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Pathetic. That’s how Kanae felt right now. Which she knew was likely hypocritical, but it’s honestly how she felt. Ever since her mom and dad died, Kanae was the only parental figure Shinobu and Kanao had left. And one thing Kanae made sure to do was to make sure her little sisters were never ashamed of themselves. She made sure they knew that just because the three of them were autistic, that didn’t mean that made them stupid, childish, or less than anyone. Them being different didn’t make them bad. And yet here was Kanae. Feeling stupid, childish, and absolutely pathetic.
She was currently sitting curled up against the wall of her room/at home office while lightly rocking back and forth. She was doing better than before seeing that she was no longer so overstimulated that she violently hit the wall behind her every rock, all while she cried her eyes out as she desperately tried to soothe herself to the point she’d hit, bite and scratch herself relentlessly. And she says relentlessly she means relentlessly. Her head was still lightly throbbing and while she couldn’t see the marks she left on her arms she could definitely feel them, each injury reminding her of their presence with a burn of lingering pain.
“ I have work to do. ” She thought. “ I have papers to grade. I put it off yesterday because I went to the movies with Kanao and Shinobu. It’s been a while since I last went to the movies with them, and I figured I could just do it tomorrow. But now it is tomorrow, the papers still aren’t fully graded, and I was supposed to spend time with Sanemi…” . Sanemi. Kimetsu Academy’s math teacher and her boyfriend. Despite how he looked and how he acted, Sanemi really was one of the sweetest people she knew. He was always a fan of tough love, as could be seen in his interaction with his brother and students. He was the type of person that would call you an idiot for worrying about something he knew you were skilled at. But with that tough love came a softer side. A softer side that knew how to cheer someone up, how to motivate someone when they really needed it.
It’s one of the things that made Kanae love Sanemi. She can admit she got to see that softer side more than most, and it was something she was proud of. It meant Sanemi felt as safe around her as she did around him. That comfort Sanemi gave her gave her the confidence to stim around him, to info dump to him, and to tell him if she was having a bit of a bad day sensory-wise. She was looking forward to spending time with him today. She always looked forward to spending time with Sanemi. But she couldn’t because she still had to calm down and grade those papers and Sanemi would probably be here soon and she was hungry and thirsty and her blanket was still wetanditwasallherfaultwhywasshesostupid-
Hot tears of frustration roll down her cheeks, a wet sob forcing its way out of her throat, and she curls herself into a tighter ball. She still remembers how she ended up like this. She still had lots of papers to get through when she realized just how hungry and thirsty she was. She was already getting antsy due to the construction happening across the street and the stress of finishing the grading, so the hunger and thirst were sending her to some bad territory. She knew that Sanemi and her were going out to lunch so she figured she’d just get a small snack. She poured a small bowl of cereal for herself, something to combat the hunger and thirst in one go. And that’s when it happened. She was walking back to her room, cereal in hand (stupid, why didn’t you just eat it in the kitchen) when there was a sudden loud noise from outside, probably from one of the machines for the construction. It startled her and she dropped the bowl. And of course, she just had to drop it right and the bed, the contents of the bowl spilling on her weighted blanket before said bowl bounced off the bed, shattering with an ear-piercing crash.
Her parents got her that blanket.
And she ruined it.
Would the texture be the same? Or had she irreversibly ruined it? With that and everything else, she boiled over. The broken bowl was still on the floor. She should really clean that up. From downstairs, she heard the front door open, and someone enter the house. “Hey, Kanae. I’m here.” From downstairs, she could hear Sanemi call out for her. That’s right, she gave Sanemi a key. Why did he have to come now? She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, especially not Sanemi. He has seen her have meltdowns before, but with this one, to have such a big one over something so small felt…Embarrassing.
Despite that, she could still hear him walk up the stairs and to her door, knocking. “Kanae? You in there?”. She still didn’t want him to see her like this, but also felt wrong to just ignore him. So, despite her reservations, she answered. “You can come in…” She hated how small her voice sounded. The door opened, her scarred boyfriend entering the room. He took a look around the room before he crouched down to Kanae. She knew that he knew how to handle something like this. “Shit, Kanae, are you alright?” Sanemi asked in a soft tone. Kanae looked up, her eyes still red and puffy from the fresh onslaught of tears, and answered. “S-sorta. If you’re wondering if the shards cut me then no, I’m fine.” She said, her voice hoarse. Sanemi gave a small smile, relief on his face “Good, anyway, what the hell happened in here?” he asked, looking at the mess that had been made. Kanae was a bit hesitant to actually say, but she relented, once again answering, “I made some cereal but I dropped the bowl.” “And from the looks of it, the cereal got on your blanket.” Sanemi pieced together in a sympathetic tone. Sanemi understood how important the blanket was to Kanae.
“Can I touch you?” Sanemi asked. Kanae didn’t answer, instead, she uncurled herself and buried her face in the crook of the math teacher's neck. Getting the memo, Sanemi wrapped his arms around the girl, rubbing her back in a circular motion, like he knew she liked it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t give me that crap. This isn’t your fault, and you know it.”
“We were supposed to go out.”
“We can just go tomorrow. Hell, we could just later if you’re up to it”
“I haven’t finished grading yet.”
“Do it later.”
She liked this. It really was easy to love Sanemi Shinazugawa. Sure, the blanket was still wet, the papers still needed to be graded, the bowl was still broken, the construction was still going on outside and she was still hungry and thirsty, but that was fine. It could be fixed. The bad was only temporary.
Kanae had taught her little sisters to never be ashamed of themselves. Despite that, she still felt ashamed of herself at times. She was the textbook definition of a hypocrite.
But thankfully, Sanemi would always be there to call her out.
And she would always love him for that.