Work Text:
And I'm fed up with you
I know it's hard but it's like that
But it's not me, it's you
Me, I was doing well before all of this
Emilien had always dreamt of becoming an athlete. At first, his dream had been set in summer. On the dreamt road of Le Tour de France. He dreamt of being a cyclist, of biking through France during the summer, joining the collective story of the Tour. Then after his mononucleosis his dream became set in the winter. He had always skied, and he was quite good at it. Maybe he could still become a professional skier even if he could never be a cyclist?
He had thought so until a spring night during a training. He was barely 18 at that time, and he had come back quite successful from the Youth World championship. He had brought back one medal in the individual, a result that wasn't that bad considering it was his first international competition ever. Fabien, his best friend at that time, was competing in the junior category. He had brought back one individual medal, and on in the relay. When they had come back Fabien had been so excited about having their first medal, he was jumping around, hugging Emilien whenever he could. At that time Fabien had been quite a touchy person, always trying to hug people. And by people Emilien mostly meant him, because he had been the only one being the target of Fabien's affection. Maybe that was why he had never refused the other boy anything. Because he felt special, receiving that affection no one else had. In a young and dumb way he felt loved even.
That's why he hadn't refuse when Fabien had told him about his great idea to celebrate their medal. A friend of his family had a house in the south, near Marseille. He wasn't using it at that time of the year so Fabien had found a way to borrow the house for a week, to enjoy their small break and to celebrate their medal far away from any adult supervision.
Emilien had liked the idea more than he'd like to admit. Maybe being alone would finally give him the opportunity to tell Fabien how he felt? Maybe this trip would bring them even closer than they already were?
In the end, it was the opposite that happened.
Fabien had a stupid idea the first night of their stay. He wanted to go dive into the sea from the calanque. He said he knew the perfect spot to do it, that it would be fun and without consequences. Maybe Emilien had accepted because he desperately wanted to see Fabien in a tight speedos, no one could know after all. Maybe he had hoped that the night would be an opportunity for more, that once they would both be in the sea they would be able to get closer, he would finally be able to kiss his friend, to let his hands touch each inch of his skin.
They had found themselves on the edge of a Calanque, looking down to the sea below. Emilien wasn't afraid of heights but there was something scary about the black abyss that was under his eyes. He couldn't really see much of the water with the soft light of the moon, and he couldn't really calculate how high the fall would be. He had looked over Fabien, a bit too stressed for his own good and Fabien had smiled softly while coming to hold his hand. That was new, Fabien hugged him a lot but he had never held his hand like that. Emilien was suddenly thankful for the dark because he knew he was blushing like crazy. Emilien realised that small contact would be enough to make him do anything. If Fabien told him to jump he would, if he told him to stop breathing, he would... He realised that night that he was very much in love with his best friend.
“Rock, paper, scissor to know who go first?” Fabien had asked with a cheeky smile, positioning his second hand towards Emilien. Emilien had done the same, doing 2 small movements with his hand before revealing paper while Fab revealed scissor.
At that time Emilien hadn't known he had just played his life at rock paper scissor. He hadn't known his whole future had changed because he had chosen paper.
Fabien had smiled, moving closer to the edge. Emilien had enjoyed the warm contact of his hands until the end, until he finally let go and jumped into the black abyss. The fall had taken an eternity into Emilien's mind, and the contact of the water had almost been reassuring at first. Finally touching something again, stopping the free fall that had taken so long in his mind. It had only been reassuring for the first seconds, before it became incredibly painful. Because Emilien hadn't only touched water. He had touched some of the rocks that were forming the base of the Calanques, hidden under the nightly water. Emilien felt like his knees were suddenly in places they were not supposed to be, both too high and too offset. His body became a blur of pain as he fell deeper and deeper in the dark water. He couldn't move, he couldn't think, his whole body was on fire from the pain and he couldn't even think about moving it. He couldn't swim, he couldn't move his knees or legs, the thought of moving them itself was enough to send waves of pain to his brain.
The last thing he heard was a scream coming from above the water before he closed his eyes, letting the abyss take him.
When he had woken up, he was in an hospital bed. His two legs were into a cast, but even with the cast Emilien could see his knees were bending in a weird way, in an angle that wasn't normal. He felt the pain of his legs before he felt anything else, a pain so terrible he left out a low whimper. The second sensation he felt was better than the first one in a way. He felt something warm on his hand. Something warm that looked very familiar with his dark hair and big frame. Something familiar that was Fabien.
At first Emilien had felt very happy to see Fabien, to see he was well, he wasn't injured like he was. But that happiness only stayed for a few minutes, a few beautiful minutes where his love was still beautiful and soft. Before it became tainted and nasty.
Fabien wasn't hurt. He wasn't hurt because he hadn't jumped while Emilien had. The idea of jumping there had been his, and Emilien was the one who was suffering from it. He didn't wish any hurt to Fabien, but the idea he was hurt because of his stupid idea made him bite his lips until he drew blood. Neither of them should have jumped, or the two of them. But not only Emilien. In a way Emilien couldn't help but thought that it was weirdly symbolic of their relation. Maybe that was all their relation would ever be, Emilien following Fabien mindlessly and Fabien never acting on it. He couldn't think about the warmth of Fabien's body over his hand without thinking about the cold contact of the water and the rocks that had been there.
The cold in his mind was joined by the coldness of the tears running down his face. His sobs must have woken up his best friend because Fabien moved softly, his head leaving the bed while is hand kept on holding Emilien. Fabien's face was as beautiful as ever, but it was also much sadder than Emilien had ever seen it. There was something close to guilt written all over him, and if he had been calmer or less in pain Emilien might had taken that into account before talking. But lost in his pain he didn't.
For the first time in his life, he wanted Fabien gone.
“Get out” he said between his sobs, taking his hands off Fabien's grip to wipe his tears nervously. Fabien looked at him, his beautiful eyes filling with tears. A part of Emilien irrationally wanted him to beg for forgiveness, to beg to stay with him. But Fabien just got up and left the room. He had certainly thought that Emilien would call him back at one point, tell him to come in the room so that they could talk about it, so that they could get over it. And Emilien thought about doing it.
Until the doctor came into the room and told him he would never be able to walk normally and without pain. Emilien knew what it meant. It would be impossible for him to think about skiing as a career, anymore maybe even to think about skiing at all. His dream shattered once again. There was no dreamt summer or winter for him anymore. There was nothing but the pain in his legs, the promise of a long and certainly painful physical therapy, and his anger against Fabien.
He had thought the anger would go away with the days. But it never did. And when Fabien had to leave to go back to training, because he was still fine and he could walk Emilien had cried bitterly in his pillow. He couldn't see himself forgetting his best friend any time soon.
He hadn't thought his anger would survive for 6 years but it had done so. Survived through his studies, through his learning of his new life with a cane and a background pain in his legs. Survived to the curious gaze of people around him, to the hundreds of text Fabien had sent him before finally giving up.
His anger had survived to everything, becoming his new best friend. A presence, something he couldn't get rid of and that kept him going through life. For 6 years Emilien had thought his anger couldn't get worst. Until it did.
He couldn't remember why he had decided to start watching biathlon again. Maybe because despite the years and the pain he still was deeply passionate about this sport. Or maybe because he was having a horrible day, the pain in his legs refusing to go away and the he had stupidly thought that watching something he had once love would help him? Actually, the idea had belonged to Emilien Claude. Despite what had happened with Fabien, Emilien had stayed in touch with his brothers and especially with the youngest one. They used to see each other all the time when him and Fabien were still friend, and he hadn't found the strength to take away his friendship. There was one rule between them, no talking about Fabien. Emilien could speak about biathlon, about his future in the sport they once had shared but he should never speak about Fabien. That's how their weird friendship worked.
That day in December had been particularly hard. Emilien woke up because of the horrible pain in his legs. Most of the days he could deal and function despite the pain but that day it was too much. Even walking from his bed to his fridge took him long and agonizing minutes, and Emilien took something random to eat in the blurry pain he felt before going to lie down on his couch. He had some post programmed for today on his social networks so he could take the break, maybe just post a story or two like he did when he was in pain like that. After his accident Emilien had given up his career at a professional athlete, but he had been unable to give up sport totally. During his hard physical therapy he had added many sport sessions adapted to his new disability, sport sessions that he had shared with Instagram as a way to stay motivated at first. It had worked a lot, a lot better than he had expected. Soon his Instagram became a sharing place, somewhere he shared about his disability, how he managed to do sports despite it, how he went on with life with the pain and the judgemental gaze of people around him. People started following him a lot, and Emilien had to switch to English because he found himself with a lot of foreigners on his Instagram. Then he had started getting modelling opportunity, photographs wanted to work with him, wanted to hear about his story, about the transition from being a young professional athlete showing a lot of promise to his current life. These opportunities made brand interested in him and his account, and after a few years of posting and managing his Instagram while working he had been able to quit his job to fully work as an influencer and model. Maybe it hadn't been the career he had wanted at first, but he was happy with it. Happy as he could be. He received comments about how he inspired others to do sport again, how his training session were challenging but also adapted. It wasn't easy every day and Emilien knew that maybe this career of his wouldn't go on for long but he was doing the most of it, hoping to at least help people in the small way he could.
He took a selfie for his Instagram, letting the pain he felt be seen on his face. He had one rule that he had always respected on his Instagram. Never lying to his followers. Most of them knew such pain, they knew what it was like to wake up on these days where rest was impossible, where pain and frustration were the only sensation. He turned on his tv, checking his phone at the same time. He wasn't surprised to have a text from Emilien this morning, but he was surprised of the content. It was a picture of him clenching his fist with a big smile on his face, followed by a text of good luck for the World Cup. Emilien eyes widened. He knew his friend well enough to know he wouldn't joke like that with him. Despite how painful it felt to think about biathlon and the world cup he sent back a text to Emilien.
<I think you sent that text to the wrong person.>
Maybe it was cold, but he couldn't find the strength to care right now between his physical and his mental pain. Emilien texted him back quickly with a myriad of crying emoji followed by one text that made Emilien curious.
<Sorry I meant to send that to...someone else and I missclicked on my phone I'm so sorry Emil!>
Emilien looked at his phone quizzically. To whom would Emilien send such a text? He had friends in the Ibu Cup of course, so maybe one of them had gone to World Cup and he wanted to support him? But the text was in French, and Emilien felt an unpleasant sensation on his back. Like he knew very well for who the text was. The fact that his friend had just wrote it was for someone else without stating a name was very much adding to his suspicion.
<It was a text for Fabien, right? >
Even just writing his name here made him nauseous. It was already a bad day, and he wasn't fond of the idea of thinking back to Fabien or to the night of his accident in that state. But some twisted part of him needed to know. He needed to know if Fabien had succeeded, had achieve their shared dream of being a real member of the national team, one that would stay for the whole season. It was a toxic need, something he couldn't explain and that was only hurting him but he needed to know.
<Yes it was I'm sorry Emil, I'll be more careful next time I swear>
Emilien didn't answer to that text. His hands were shaking so hard he wasn't even sure he could have answer even if he wanted to. Thinking back to Fabien was hard, it was only bringing him back the memories of that night, the memories of being announced he would never be a biathlete again, that he would be in pain for all his life. It was worse than the anger, that awful pain he felt when thinking about Fabien. Thinking about how his ex-best friend had the chance to follow his dream while he had been put aside, only because he had taken a stupid decision out of some foolish and childish love. When he thought about Fabien it felt like he was back in the hospital, back to that point in his life when he had felt hopeless. When he had felt like his life had no meaning anymore, felt like he would be stuck in a dark abyss of pain and anger forever. He hated that feeling because he had taken years to finally get rid of it at least partially, and even just thinking about Fabien was destroying all the progress he had done.
He put on a random show on his TV and decided not to let that ruin even more his already ruined day. He wasn't a teenager anymore; he wouldn't let Fabien make him sad and miserable after so many years.
That affirmation held until the evening. The pain hadn't gotten better, the desperation neither. He wanted it all to be gone, he wanted to stop thinking about his pain, to stop thinking about Fabien. Emilien usually never drink when he was alone. He took great care of his body anyway so he mostly didn't drink at all. But that night it felt right, to drink to drown his feeling for a while. Only a glass or too, nothing more of course.
He woke up the next day with a pulsating headache, an empty wine bottle, and a new Instagram account on his phone. Something called “Fabien.Claude.hpage”
The worst wasn't the account, it was what he had posted on it.
Emilien looked at his phone for a second before throwing it on the bed again. He had done something that was very stupid. Very stupid, but also very liberating. He felt weirdly better in a way, knowing his anger had been put in these few lines. Fabien might never read them but it was freeing, knowing these words were out there, that his scream into the void was public for once. He would of course never do it again, no matter how freeing it had felt because it was stupid and childish, hating on someone on the internet.
The thing was that it happened again. And again, at each race Fabien did. No matter what he did Emilien always found a way to see something wrong in it, to see the small flaw nobody else saw. People were still unsure if he was truly hating on Fabien or if he was a troll, and that didn't matter for Emilien. This account was a way for him to let out his frustration and pain, he didn't care about how people saw it.
Because it was indeed frustrating and painful to see Fabien in the world cup. Whether he succeeded or not it was always painful. When he did well Emilien couldn't help but think about how he might have done in the world cup if he ever had the chance to go there. How his life might had turn out if he had become a biathlete. When he did badly Emilien thought bitterly that Fabien was ruining an opportunity he had taken from Emilien's wet and broken hands. The worst was that in both case there was always a small voice in his head, imagining what it would have been like. Not to be a biathlete, not to be on the world cup but to be with Fabien. To still be his best friend... to maybe even be more than that.
No one had really minded his page at first, he had maybe 50 followers, most of them thinking he was some kind of weird troll account. Things had changed when the races in le Grand Bornand had happened. These races had been hard to watch for Emilien. Watching the audience cheers for the biathletes, scream loudly for the French one while he was stuck at home was really hard.
Emilien had barely controlled himself, trying not to write a hateful paragraph during the first two races. He knew in the state he was he might write something that went too far, something that would be too hateful. His control went away during the last race.
Fabien had done 6 mistakes. Like he had done during the pursuit. That was 12 missed targets in two races. Emilien had tried to calm himself really, but he wanted to scream about how unfair it was. How unfair it was that Fabien could compete in front of his own audience, could feel the love of the French public and had still messed up so bad. If he ever had that opportunity, he would have done so much more with it, he would have thanked the audience by giving them his best performance ever. For him it felt like Fabien was an ungrateful child. He wasn't grateful of being in the world cup, he wasn't grateful of being in front of his audience. He wasn't grateful of being healthy, A small voice in his mind was telling him everything would have been better if Fabien had been hurt that day. If he had been the one to have no career. That thought terrified Emilien. He had been angry before, but he had never wanted Fabien to suffer. He needed to let these feelings out before the voice became louder and louder, he needed it to stop.
That's why he wrote and Instagram post. With hindsight maybe doing so in the middle of what was clearly an anxiety attack wasn't the best thing ever but he almost had no control over his body at that point. What he wrote was pure and raw emotions, it was all the pain he felt while looking at Fabien's bad performances.
The end of his day was a blur after that. He drank much more than he should, trying to dull the voice talking in his head. He drank, cried and watched some old biathlon races. Races in which Fabien already was. He couldn't get the other man out of his mind, the hate and pain he was feeling were way too strong after Fabien's fucked up races. Still, something else was still here, something that made Emilien even angrier. When he was watching Fabien he felt something close to regret. But not regret about his potential career. Regret about the rest. About what they were and what they could have been. The regret brought something that had disappeared since a long time ago, since the time where Fabien had left him at the hospital. Desire.
Emilien felt sick in his stomach, but watching Fabien while he was shooting or skiing was doing something to him. Something that he had felt before, but not in a long time. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the anxiety attack, Emilien wasn't sure. But he couldn't help watching each of Fabien's muscles, the way they moved when he was in the middle of an effort. The way his body moved when he went down to the prone shooting. The way his ass looked in his tight skiing suit. The skiing suit that bothered him so much because it was covered with the French sponsors, because it was the sign of how Fabien belonged in the team while Emilien didn't. He wished the skiing suit went away, but weirdly he also wished nothing else came to replace it. He wished he could tear the skiing suit from Fabien's body, ripping it off from him because he didn't deserve it. And maybe his hands would go on Fabien's body, marking him, letting his nails scratch his skin. Maybe he would make Fabien feel even a small part of the pain he was feeling every day. Maybe he would make Fabien beg for a bit of pleasure, for anything, maybe...
Emilien tried to ignore this strange want he was feeling but there was only Fabien on his mind. And maybe...maybe the want was better than the hate and the pain that came with it. Maybe the want was better than the horrible voice in his head telling him Fabien deserved pain and suffering. Emilien let his shaky hand come to his cock. He might have felt guilt but he wasn't even sure, the blurriness of his mind making it very hard to know what he was even feeling. He closed his eyes for a bit, starting to stroke his cock quickly. He didn't even wanted pleasure, he only wanted to bury the voice in his head, to bury the pain and anger. Touching himself would be a very welcomed distraction.
He touched himself, imagining Fabien's hand on him. Imagining the two of them together in an hotel, maybe an hotel at one of the world cup's steps. And maybe in his imagination his legs weren't bent and broken anymore. Maybe he was also wearing the French skiing suit. In his imagination it was so soft, Fabien touching him until he came like a whimpering mess asking for more. But in reality, he was still alone, crying while touching himself in front of one of Fabien's interviews.
He fell asleep like that, tears still running down on his cheek. Maybe tomorrow would be better. After all, biathlon would stop for the Christmas break and maybe it would give him enough time to get better. Maybe he would be able to push Fabien out of his mind again during these few weeks, and maybe he will start the year having left biathlon and its pain behind once again.
You fill my nights, my thoughts
We've known each other for too long, I'd like to reignite all
It's my damaged mood
You wanna see me every night, I'm not answering you never again
Emilien woke up feeling sick and nauseous. He really needed to stop drinking that much, it wasn't good for his body or for him. He took his phone, going to check his notifications and was surprised to see a lot of notification from Instagram. It wasn't surprising knowing Instagram was his job, what was surprising was the account the notifications were coming from. His hate page for Fabien. He vaguely remembered posting something yesterday, but he couldn't remember what he had posted exactly.
It was worse than what he had expected. And worse than what other people expected if the numbers of comments he had received were any indication of it. He had a lot of comments, way more than he usually did. And most of them were hate comments.
<You are a nobody that hate on a new biathlete to feel like someone. What a shitty life you must have>
<Dude must not be able to even ski and he is talking shit about a professional biathlete. What a joke>
Many comments were also only insults, people calling him a dickhead, a son of a bitch... He was used to that, after all anyone living from Instagram was used to these kinds of comments. Still, it felt horrible to receive such words. But Emilien couldn't help but think he actually deserved them this time. He had been too far. His hate; or whatever the weird thing he felt for Fabien should be called; gave him no right to use such harsh words. He had written that Fabien should be gone. And he wasn't sure if he meant gone from the biathlon's world or just... gone.
He was going to put down his phone when he saw something else. A comment that had just been posted. A comment from Fabien himself.
<Guys stop harassing this page please. Everyone has the right to think what they want about an athlete performance, and even if the words were harsh this page is kind of right. I was bad this week, but I'll come back stronger. Even if this page is hard with me, it gives you no right to insult someone like that. Please, be kind to one another. >
Emilien barely had the time to register what the comment was saying before he received another notification. A direct message this time. He was expecting to see one of the fanpage that had insulted him, or any biathlon related page really. That's why he was so surprised to see a DM from Fabien. He clicked on it with shaky hands, wondering what his ex-best-friend was going to say in the privacy of this chat. Would he be harder than he had been in comment? Maybe he had understood who had created this page? Maybe he would expose Emilien to the world, make him lose his career yet again?
<Hi, I know we never talk to each other before but I wanted to say how sorry I am for my fans. They didn't though much about it and just started insulting you, I'm very sorry on their behalf. >
Surprisingly another message came a few seconds after this one.
<I do believe you aren't that much of a hater really. You tend to see things in my performance that only someone paying a lot of attention would see. Can't do that without watching me a lot right?>
Emilien looked at the message 5 times, wondering how to answer to Fabien. “Yeah, i'm not a hater, just someone you broke and that can't go over it”, “Yeah I do pay a lot of attention to you, I always did even when we trained together”? There were no good options, no options that wouldn't expose Emilien or his twisted reason for opening this page. So, he did the most rationnal thing he could. He closed the app and put his phone down on his bed. Fabien had been kind, he had told his fans to stop and he had sent him a DM. Because he sent it to reassure him, he wouldn't send another one, and he would soon forget about this page and Emilien could put all of that behind him. He could live as he did before while ignoring how Fabien had been kind despite his anger and pain. But he knew he couldn't live as he did before if he did answer Fabien. Because there would be no stopping whatever was happening if he answered. He would be back in biathlon's world, and worst he would be back in Fabien's world. And he couldn't be back in Fabien's world. He could never be back in it.
At least he thought so until Fabien sent him another message. And another one. And many others. Fabien started sending him a message each time he posted on the instagram account, and maybe Emilien started becoming less and less angry against Fabien in his captions. He had understood that despite the weird anger he still had against Fabien he couldn't do what he had done after le Grand Bornand again. Especially after Fabien had been that nice with him and had supported him against the hate of his fan. He was still very critical about Fabien's performance, always finding something to say about it, always finding a flaw. But he made sure to always add something nice, something that would make Fabien think he could get better, and not that he was a useless and lost cause. Still, despite his slight change of heart he had decided not to answer any message sent by Fabien. He couldn't do it; he couldn't start talking to him again and especially not in this page. Because it would one way or another end up in Emilien being exposed.
That was until he received a text from Emilien Claude. A short text for once, with no picture and no smiley. A text where he told Emilien that his dad had been found dead in Canada. Emilien sent him a text to comfort him, telling him how sorry he was for him and that he was here for him if he needed anything or anyone. That he would always be here. He sent a similar text to Florent, even if they were less close he wanted the other Claude brother to know he was here for him too. He then looked at his phone, going to the list of blocked number to look at Fabien's number. He should send him a text, despite their share history Fabien just lost his father. He needed all the support he could get. But maybe he didn't need Emilien's support. It would be weird to reappear after so many years to tell Fabien he would be here for him, that he would comfort and support him while he hadn't done so for so many years.
He opened his Instagram, his thumb hovering over his discussion with Fabien. Fabien had sent lot of messages here, and Emilien had never answered before. It would be weird to send him a “get better i'm here for you” text from this account. But it was the only link they had, even if it was a thin link.
<I'm sorry for what happened to your dad. He was a very nice person and … he deserved better than this. You all deserved better than this really. I'm only a random page on Instagram but my heart is with you and... I'm not going to say I hope it gets better because it won't but I hope you find the comfort you must been needing right now because you deserve to be comforted and supported.>
Maybe it wasn't the best message to send but it was the only one Emilien thought about. He looked at it for a while, and was surprise to see small dots appear on Fabien's side of the conversation. His ex-best-friend was already answering him.
<How do you know about my dad?>
Emilien looked at the text for a while, considering how he could answer. Minutes went by before Fabien sent another message.
<I guess you won't answer that either. It's not like you've been answering a lot to me. Thank you for this message really.>
<Don't thank me. If...>
Emilien hesitated for a bit. He wasn't sure what he could say to Fabien. He weirdly wanted to be here for him during this hard time, but at the same time he had no right to be here. He wasn't even sure he had the right to feel sorry for Fabien. Because he was no one for him, only a ghost of a long-forgotten past, to bitter and angry to let go.
<If anything, I could say or do could help you, could make you feel even a bit of joy I would do it without any hesitation.>
He felt sick with himself again. He had no right to do that, no right to come back into Fabien's life, even through that hate page. But... maybe he was giving Fabien a choice. Maybe Fabien needed the person behind that fanpage to do something, anything. Because he had tried to talk to them for a while, and maybe it would give him some sort of comfort to finally do it. Emilien needed to forget he was Emilien for a bit, needed to forget whatever had happened before. He was only Fabien.Claude.hpage for now, not anyone or anything else.
<Do you really hate me? I've been wondering that for a while and... I don't really want to be hated right now I think?>
There was something raw in Fabien's answer. Something vulnerable. Emilien looked at the text wondering about his feeling toward Fabien. Yes, he was bitter and angry, and a part of him would never forget what had happened. How Fabien had left him behind in that hospital after he had caused all these problems. How he had made him a broken and damaged person. But, was that feeling hate?
Had he felt hate when he had touched himself in front of Fabien's interview? Or when he had written the last captions of this account, those that were way softer and kinder? Had he hated Fabien when he had seen him at the flower ceremony during the sprint in Ruhpolding? If he hated him, why was he feeling so sad and broken for his loss?
He let his shaky hands take his phone again, writing before he could stop himself.
<I don't hate you.>
And maybe for Fabien it wasn't that much. But for Emilien it was a life changing moment. He felt lighter suddenly. He didn't hate Fabien. The negative feelings he still had were not hate. It felt like he could finally breathe again after 6 years underwater. He didn't hate Fabien. He didn't hate his ex-best-friend and the man he used to love.
Fabien didn't answer his message, and Emilien wasn't surprised about that. He knew Fabien was certainly heartbroken and crying and he needed more direct comfort. The comfort of a friend. Or a brother. Of people close to him, and Emilien wasn't part of these people anymore.
The answer came late, in the middle of the night. Emilien had been thinking about the content he would post in the comings weeks when Fabien's answer had arrived.
<You want to know the worst? Some irrational part of me is sure he … is gone because of me? Because I bring only bad luck to people I love?>
Emilien had no time to answer because Fabien sent another message.
<Me getting into biathlon had cost so much to people I love, had bring them so much bad luck.>
<I was always in competition against my two brothers, and even if I never really took their spot in the World cup some twisted part of me can't help but think that if I hadn't been here Florent would maybe still be skiing for France. Or Emilien would be here, because he is a talented kid.>
Emilien let out a breath he hadn't even realise he was keeping. He had been afraid for a bit, that Fabien would talk about something else. That he would link his bad luck to … what had happened the last time they had been together. The dots appearing next to Fabien's picture cut short to his small moment of reassurance.
<I've done something very wrong in my life. And I should be the best biathlete possible to make up for it.>
Emilien felt his hands shaking. It was like he was in the cold water of that night again. Because Fabien was certainly talking about him, right?
<I had a stupid idea because I was a stupid boy. I thought that jumping from a cliff would be fun. That it would be our thing. That after we would have done it, we would have shared a scary but fun moment and that...>
Emilien looked at the message with apprehension. He wasn't sure he was supposed to know what Fabien felt about that night. He felt like a voyeur, learning about it while Fabien didn't even know he was talking to him. It felt wrong but his body was shaking so hard he couldn't find the strength to interrupt Fabien. Maybe he also couldn't find the strength to go against the want he felt, the deep need to know what the night had been for Fabien.
<Things would be different, I guess? But everything went wrong and it was my fault. I remember holding his hand in the ambulance, telling him to stay with me. Telling him I love him and that I was sorry, that I would take the pain and damage from him if I could.>
Love? Fabien had loved him? He had told him so that night in the ambulance? He had planned this night to bring them closer, like Emilien had hoped it would happen? Emilien felt tears running down his face before he could stop himself. That declaration felt like heaven and hell at the same time. Heaven because Fabien had loved him once, had told him so. Fabien had felt what Emilien had felt too. They had been in love with one another.
Hell, because it had been 6 years ago. Because, they never had the chance to act on these feelings. Their love had been lost before it had even been brought into the world, before it had even seen the light.
<Why are you telling me that, you don't even know me.>
He took too long to type, the tears and shaky hands making it way too hard.
<I don't know who you are, but you know me very well. Too well to be a stranger. I'm sure you already knew that story.>
Emilien hesitated for a second. His opportunity to come back into Fabien's life was here. It was a good opportunity to explain why he had opened that account. Why he had never contacted Fabien again. He would be a coward to run away from that opportunity.
<You do not bring bad luck to those you love. You didn't bring that person bad luck, neither to your brothers or you dad. People are lucky to have you Fabien.>
Fabien had started typing again, before stopping. He did that a few times before the dots disappeared again. Emilien watch their conversation for a few minutes, before he realised Fabien would not answer for now. He put down his phone again, covering himself with his sheets as if it would make it easier to forget what Fabien had said. Make it easier to forget the young man he had loved had been in love with him too. Because it was useless to know about that now. Years had passed, and Fabien wasn't feeling that for him anymore. The idea hurt Emilien even if he didn't unterstood why. There was something strangely painful in the idea of Fabien not loving him anymore, something stupid because Emilien hadn't even know Fabien had loved him a few minutes earlier. And even if he had knew, it wasn't like Emilien was still in love with Fabien after all these years. It wasn't like that at all. It wasn't like he was so obsessed that he had opened a hate page for Fabien. It wasn't like he had started watching biathlon again for him. It wasn't like he had touched himself while watching his interviews. It wasn't like he had admired him while he was shooting and skiing. It wasn't like he had never felt anything as strong as he had felt for Fabien for another man. It wasn't like that really.
That night he felt asleep dreaming of Fabien, of what they could have been if life hadn't gone the way it had. Of the life they could have shared together. Of how it would have felt, to be loved by Fabien.
The next day Fabien hadn't messaged him again. And he didn't do it the other days that came after. Emilien watched him finally do a podium on a world cup race, crying when Fabien talked about his dad. Fabien took a break after that, and Emilien wasn't surprise to have no message from him. Emilien spent these days watching his phone, and wondering about his feelings. He wasn't in love with Fabien. He couldn't be after all these years, all this pain and bitterness. Still, in the middle of the night he couldn't help but think about the small embers that were still here. Maybe not burning as bright as they used to, but still warm. He couldn't help but realise how his anger against Fabien had been very useful to hide the love that was still here, this small love so discreet he hadn't even seen it among his others feelings. How under the anger and pain that had made him create his Instagram page there was something else, some form of weird pull toward Fabien that had never disappeared. How under all the critics and wrong things he had said there had been pain. jealousy and anger at first. But how after le Grand Bornand these feelings had been replaced with some sort of soft compassion, a kind of longing he hadn't felt for a long time. How he had surprised himself by smiling when Fabien had performed well, and how he had wanted to hug him every time he had been on his screen.
A part of him couldn't help but think about Fabien's last message. About how he had guessed someone he had known once was behind this fanpage. Maybe he hadn't guessed it was Emilien, but he certainly would if given more time. Emilien knew the brave decision would be to come clean about this page, to revealed who he was to Fabien. Maybe Fabien would hate him, maybe not. But they both deserved to get closure on that. Emilien deserved to get closure for what had happened that night 6 years ago. And... a part of him couldn't help but to think that Fabien deserved the same thing. He deserved to know Emilien had been bitter and angry, but that he had gotten better. He... deserved to know that Emilien had loved him at that time. He deserved to know these feelings he had never share; out of fear maybe; had been reciprocated.
Weeks and weeks passed, Emilien thinking hard about how to give them this opportunity for closure and honesty. How to give Fabien a chance to finally talk to him again, to finally... Leave that night behind them. A part of Emilien couldn't help but hope that at least that closure would let them become friend again. They would never be together because the time where Fabien had loved him was long gone. But Emilien could be happy with honesty and a chance at friendship despite the discovery of the love he had kept during all these years. He had succeeded to hide this same love for years, and he could do it again if Fabien was to be back in his life. All he needed for that to happen was an opportunity. A way to say to Fabien “This page is mine, please come talk to me I'll be waiting for you”, a way only the two of them would understand. Once again it felt like jumping from a cliff, but this time he knew the risk he was taking.
Fabien had been avoiding his phone these days. The season had just ended and he wanted to take a break from Instagram and everything that went with it. He was tired of feeling lost and confused, and Instagram only made him feel like that these days. The situation with his strange fan page was the biggest reason he felt lost and confused. He was sure he knew the person behind it. They knew about his dad, they had known about Emilien, there was no way someone he didn't know could have these information. Yet, despite the weeks he hadn't been able to understand who was behind it. At first, he had tried asking his brothers, to have their perspective on who could be behind it. But Emilien and Florent had refused to answer, only saying the person behind the page would come out when they wished to, and that Fabien couldn't do anything but wait. In hindsight, it felt a lot like his brothers also knew who was behind the page and were hiding it from him.
Fabien had thought about it a lot. Only someone that was either in the French team or used to be in it could know about all that. He had thought about every junior he had met, and the reason they could have to open such a page but none of them made sense. None of them except one. Fabien wasn't sure if this idea was the most rational one, or the one that made the less sense. The idea that Emilien could have open that page for him.
The idea hurt Fabien more then he wants to admit. Really, there was something painful about the idea that Emilien wrote the harsh and hard captions of this page. But there was also something fair in that idea. Because Fabien did deserve that, Emilien being harsh with him. Because he had ruined his life, ruined his career. He had given nothing but pain to Emilien.
Which is also the reason why he was very much doubting Emilien could have open that page. Because as the weeks progressed the page became more and more supportive. It had started to feel like a real fanpage, a weird and critical one, but a fanpage still. There had been comfort and support in the captions, always a small word given despite his shaky performance to let him know he was a good and deserving biathlete. Emilien had all the reasons in the world to write harsh things on Fabien, but writing such nice things? It made no sense.
Fabien had been thinking about that once again when Emilien had touched his shoulders, trying to get his attention.
“Did you look at Instagram today?” Emilien asked with an impatient smile. It was a weird question to ask out of the blue, and Fabien shook his head while sighing.
“I didn't, I told you I'm taking a break from social media.” Fabien had answered before Emilien had put his phone on the table, opened on a picture of a landscape. A landscape he recognised easily. Fabien took the phone between his shaking hands.
“Where did you...” He started to ask before he interrupted himself. The picture was on an Instagram post. One made by his fanpage. It wasn't possible. The person behind it could know the story, but there was no way they could know the precise point where Emilien and him had jumped. This picture was the exact place. Fabien recognised it despite the years, he could remember Emilien jumping from that cliff, the black water under him, his scream when he had met the rocks. His brother's hand was on his shoulder once again, shaking him softly to take him out of his panicked silence.
“It is possible to come back from any fall.” Fabien muttered softly. The caption was as much of an indication. This was Emilien's motto. Fabien had stalked his Instagram enough during all these years to recognise it. Emilien had that motto on some of his merch, and he had said it many times in interview. It was too big of a coincidence to actually be a coincidence.
“The picture has been posted 5 minutes ago.” Emilien said with a soft voice and Fabien looked at him. In his brother's eyes he could see he knew. He knew everything.
“Is it him? Is it...” Fabien felt too weak and unworthy to even pronounce the name of the man he loved still. He didn't deserve to pronounce his name, didn't deserve to even remember Emilien. His brother nodded quietly, patting Fabien's shoulder in support.
“You should maybe go there. I'm sure all the answer are waiting for you here. That he is waiting for you.” Emilien said, and in his voice there was a sort of confidence, like he knew with certainty that the person behind the fanpage would be here. That his Emilien would be here.
Fabien had nodded, taking his car's key and taking out his phone to get his itinerary. He had looked at Emilien before leaving, looking at him with a weird mix of hope, eagerness and curiosity.
“When I come back, you'll have to explain how you knew. And why you didn't say anything.” Fabien said seriously, and Emilien answered with an amused smile.
“Yeah, I'll do that big bro. Now go get your man.”
Fabien wanted to scream about how Emilien wasn't his man, and would never be. No matter how much he wished it, no matter how hard he loved the man. He had done something bad, that would never be forgiven by Emilien. And the other man would never love him. That was how it was. Maybe they could still be friend despite the years, the fact that Emilien had taken a step toward him with this fanpage could be a sign of that. But it wasn't the sign of anything else.
Fabien only sighed and left their house, starting the long trip toward the south of France. He spent the 7 hours of the trip thinking about what could happen. Thinking about Emilien waiting for him, then panicking that maybe he would miss the man. But a part of him was sure he wouldn't. Because he was half-sure his brother had medle into that, had made sure Emilien wouldn't wait for him on that godforsaken cliff for so long. Because his brothers and Emilien were close. Too close for his comfort sometimes, to a point where he got jealous of them. Jealous of the friendship they had with Emilien, while he had nothing. Before he remembered that he deserved nothing anyway.
Arriving at the cliff took time, he had to walk a lot and climb a bit for it to happen. He hoped Emilien hadn't hurt himself while doing it, because he knew thanks to his Instagram account how his knees and legs were still damaged because of the fall. He had climbed for a bit, wondering if maybe he would arrive and there would be no one. Maybe it was some sort of elaborate prank made by his brothers. Maybe he had been stupid to think that Emilien would even take the time to open a page about him, or to try to meet him again at this spot.
He thought so until he saw a silhouette, sitting close to the edge of the cliff. Not to close, but close enough to see the water. The short brown hair was familiar despite the years, and so was the back of the man. A back he had seen a lot on Instagram's posts.
“Emilien” Fabien said, surprising himself. He wasn't worthy of that name, especially when they were standing here. At the place where he had taken everything in Emilien's life. Emilien stood up with some difficulty, taking his cane to stand completely. He then turned slowly towards Fabien.
Fabien didn't dare to come any closer, frozen in shock. Emilien had changed since the last time they had seen each other in real life. He had become way more muscular if his bare arms and the subtle line of abs he could see under his shirt were to be believed. And if the many pictures of him shirtless on Instagram were to be believed too. His eyes were still the same, beautiful blue eyes that Fabien still saw during so many of his dreams. Eyes that haunted him, the memory of how they had been full of tears at the hospital after...
Fabien eyes went down to Emilien's legs in an automatic response he wished he had avoided. Emilien's legs were still bent in an unnatural way, a way that must hurt him a lot still. He had seen his legs before on Instagram but seeing the consequence of his stupidity and bad decision in real life was even worse.
“Yeah, that's my legs.” Emilien said with a sharp voice. Fabien shook his head, looking back at Emilien's face. He was half smiling, as if he was a bit uncomfortable and Fabien could definitely understand why. Emilien took a few steps, getting closer to Fabien.
“We should talk.” Emilien said with a fake calmness in his voice. His hands were shaking and Fabien knew his were too. They were both very stressed about meeting after so many years, years where they hadn't talk to each other... Well, in reality years where Fabien had spoken but Emilien hadn't answered.
“Are you...better?” Fabien asked and Emilien smiled in a way Fabien would have described as soft but broken.
“I am alive. I can walk. I have a career. It's not what I wanted maybe, but I'm happy with what I have. I'm better than...” Emilien didn't finished his sentence but Fabien knew the end of it anyways.
I'm better than when we've seen each other for the last time.
“I'm...sorry for that day. I...” Fabien started stuttering. He felt like a teenaged again, standing next to Emilien on that cliff again. A very anxious teenager. Emilien looked behind him, toward where the water was.
“I know you are. I know what you wanted to happen that night. You told me, remember?”
Fabien looked at Emilien quizzically before understanding.
“Oh.” he sighed softly. It was true he had told Emilien what he had wanted to happen that night. That he had wanted them to be even closer to one another. To share something scary that will become their thing, their link. He had also told him he loved him. Oh, he was going to die from embarrassment.
“I'm sorry. For opening that fanpage, for being so harsh against you on it. And I'm sorry for listening to what you felt that day. Without telling you it was me. It was a bad and dishonest thing to do.” Emilien's voice was shaking slightly, and Fabien felt a laugh escape him. Emilien looked at him almost hurt before Fabien explained himself with a shaky voice.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I deserved the harsh word. I still do. I ruined everything, I ruined you, your life, our friendship... I deserved each of your words Emil” Fabien explained with a soft voice, hoping Emilien would understand he wasn't at fault here. That he had never been at fault.
“You didn't. Deserve these kinds of words. You've been... You haven't been a perfect biathlete but still, you didn't deserve that. And you deserved better than me listening about how that night felt for you, without telling you how it felt for me”
“You don't have to tell me Emilien. I think I can guess. You trusted me because I was your best friend. And I made a stupid decision because I wanted...I wanted us to grow closer because I loved you.” Fabien felt lighter saying it finally. He loved Emilien, and he still loved him. He couldn't tell him that, but he could tell him how sorry he was these feelings had made him take such a stupid decision. That his overwhelming need to be loved by Emilien had made jumping from a cliff seem like a good decision.
“I made a stupid decision too. I shouldn't have jumped without seeing the water. But I did because...” Emilien started before Fabien interrupted him with guilt.
“Because you trusted me.”
“Because I loved you.”
Fabien's eyes widened. He felt his heart beating like a drum, so quickly it almost felt like it would leave his chest. Emilien had loved him. They had loved each other. There was something so bittersweet in the fact that they had loved each other without knowing it. That they had shared it too late. Because Fabien knew it was too late, Emilien had loved him but it had been years ago. Before Fabien had ruined his life. Now he would be lucky if Emilien even accepted to be his friend.
He looked back to Emilien's face and was surprised to see something in his eyes. Something soft, a longing he was sure could be seen in his eyes when he was looking at Emilien's Instagram. The kind of longing that was deeply linked with a form of despair. A longing that went with lost opportunities and broken relationship. Maybe the kind of longing that went with a love that had died before it had even been shared.
“Why did you open the page?” Fabien asked before he could stop himself. It felt like he needed to ask, that this small thing was necessary to understand the longing in Emilien's eyes.
“At first because I was bitter and angry. And then...It doesn't matter really.” Emilien said with a tensed voice and Fabien took a step closer. They were only separated by a few inches now, and Fabien tried to ignore how much he wanted to kiss the other man. How intoxicating his scent was, how feeling Emilien so closed made him almost crazy with want and love.
“It does matter for me. You kept that page, you kept supporting me, comforting me. I didn't deserve it, especially coming from you. Why did you do it?” Fabien took Emilien's wrist between his hand, softly brushing it with his thumb. He knew Emilien had fallen during a sport session and had broken this wrist, the small scar he felt being a reminder of that moment.
“Because I wanted to do it. Because I...” Emilien stopped himself, his cheeks red with embarrassment. It took Fabien a few seconds to understand. It almost felt like Emilien wanted to tell him he loved him but didn't dare to do it. Or maybe it felt like that because Fabien wished it was the case. He wasn't sure, but if there was any chance Emilien still had a glimpse of feeling for him he was ready to take the risk. He was ready to jump into the unknown.
“I love you Emilien. I never stopped loving you.” He said softly, looking into Emilien's eyes. He felt like a teenager, sharing his feeling for the first time, declaring his love for the first time in his life. Emilien opened his mouth and Fabien was scared of what he was going to say. Maybe Emilien would reject him, and it would be deserved. After all, he was the least worthy person for Emilien's love.
“I... love you too Fabien. It was easy to forget it when I was angry and bitter. When I convinced myself I hated you. But when I realised I didn't hate you, it was so easy to see.”
Fabien listened to Emilien closely before kissing him. He brushed his lips against Emilien's lips, enjoying how soft they were. He kissed him slowly and softly, waiting for Emilien to answer. When he did Fabien felt a bolt in his body, his hands coming to hold Emilien's face. He wanted Emilien, all of him. His smile, his love, but also his pain, his anger and bitterness. He wanted everything Emilien had been, and everything he was now.
One of Emilien's hand went to grab his shirt, pulling him as close as possible. He seemed to want as much as Fabien did. Despite the years, despite all they still had to talk about. Fabien felt Emilien shaking under his hands and he stopped kissing him, using his hands to hold his waist strongly. It was heavenly to feel Emilien's breath against his face, to hear him breathe without difficulty, without the pain that had been here the last time they had shared a breath. Feeling Emilien's under his hands, not because Fabien was desperately trying to save him from drowning or to keep him alive while the emergency services arrived. But only because they had kissed. Because Emilien was alive, and well enough to be standing, breathing and kissing him.
Still, Fabien could see Emilien was shaking a lot. His legs must have been started to hurt him because of how long they had been standing here and because of the climb he had to realise alone to come here.
“We can go down if you are tired?” Fabien asked, trying not to assume what Emilien felt or wanted. Emilien smiled confidently as he answered.
“We should. I didn't wait a lot here but we would be more comfortable elsewhere.”
Fabien tried to ignore how his dirty and horny teenager self was screaming in his adult mind. Emilien smile was at is used to was, playful and full of love and Fabien wondered how he had never realised the love he felt was shared. He held out his hand to Emilien, and the man he loved took it with a smile.
“How did you not wait for long?” Fabien asked curiously and Emilien laughed a bit.
“Emilien like the nice friend he is, told me when you left so I know approximately when you would arrive. He knew I was trying to get you to come here so that we could talk. He is a good friend really.”
“Yes, he is.” Fabien answered, trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice. Emilien turned to look at him almost curiously before smiling again.
“A good friend is all he is. My heart had always belonged to his brother.”
Fabien blushed and held Emilien's hand tighter. Emilien really was the only person of making him feel that way. Like a confused and lovesick teenager that was unable to think properly, that only had love in his mind and in his heart.
They walked to Emilien's car in comfortable silence, admiring the landscape around them. Fabien tried to take the most of it, to replace the horribles memories linked to it with the softer memories of that day. Emilien sat in his car, looking at him with shy eyes, almost as if he was scared to ask something.
“Would you like to come back to my hotel with me? It's getting late you shouldn't take the road now and... I don't want you to leave”
Fabien thought about it. Staying was a very bad idea. He just got Emilien back, after 6 years of hidden love and longing. Emilien had said he loved him and Fabien did too, he loved him very much. But he wasn't a teenager anymore. If he stayed, he was afraid of what could happen, of the desire and temptation he would feel for Emilien. Emilien that was even more beautiful than before, so confident and full of life despite what life had done to him. Emilien that could be his. He should say he couldn't stay, because being alone in an hotel room would be maybe too much for his heart. But Emilien looked at him with so much love and fear that he couldn't bring himself to say that. He couldn't refuse anything to Emilien and... maybe he deserved a bit of happiness. Maybe he deserved to stay with him, to not be away from the man he loved so much after all these years of separation and pain.
“I don't want to leave either. I'll never let go of your hand, as long as you want me to hold it.” he answered before getting in the car.
Emilien smile was even more beautiful than before. There was still fear in his eyes, but Fabien knew it was only natural for him to be afraid. After all, Fabien had let go off his hand and nothing had ever been the same. But he wouldn't do the same mistake twice. This time he wouldn't let go of Emilien's hand.
Emilien turned to him, kissing him softly. A kiss that promised more, that gave so much love and devotion. A devotion Fabien wasn't sure he deserved yet, but one he would make sure to deserve rightfully with all his actions and his love.