Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tommy sometimes wishes he knew how to hide his feelings. When he watches videos of himself he has to admit he could never play poker. Yeah, he's one hell of an actor, but he's also so so in love it's ridiculous.

It's not like he loves-loves Adam. It's not even a celebrity crush. It's just otherworldly. He breathes Adam. And it's fucking frightening. He's never met anyone like Adam, someone who makes everything else around him seem colorless, soundless, pointless.

He's tried to figure out the feeling. Of course, he has. It's love, but it isn't. It's obsession, but it isn't. It's pure need to be important to someone, to be special to someone, to be noticed and loved and cherished by someone. He needs acceptance and love. And every time Adam even looks at him he feels like he's the coolest person on the planet. Adam makes him feel special.

The thing is, Adam has loads of friends and interests. He moves fast, he goes to places, he enchants people. He's so fucking impossible and perfect and unattainable. He lets people close, every person who deserves it. But sometimes, Tommy would like to be the only one, the most important person ever. He isn't. He's one of many. And sometimes, he feels like it can never be enough.

Most of the time, Adam makes it enough. He turns all his attention to Tommy, and gives so so much of himself Tommy can't believe there's anything left of him after that. But then, Adam moves forward, does something new, concentrates on something else, and Tommy... he feels disconnected and strange.

He wishes he knew how to control this. He's like a tiny weed reaching out for the sun. He wants more. He doesn't even know what that more could be.

They are in Britain. The last days of the tour. He wants to freeze time. He wants this to last forever. He fears going back because it means Adam's whole other life will make it impossible for Tommy to be there all the time. Adam will be doing things without them, without him, and it's not going to be the same. They'll see each other. They'll have parties and other get togethers. They'll have gigs. They'll start recording. Whatever. It's not the same.

It kills him.

Today, Adam is a sweet ball of fluff. He's so happy, and it's tearing Tommy apart. Adam is seeing someone. He's happy that the tour was a success, and that it's going to be over in a few days. He's happy because he can concentrate on new things. Tommy fears it means he'll be left behind. He's jealous, too, but not in the way he would be jealous if a girl he loved was seeing someone. This is different. He feels shattered in ways he can't even put to words. He feels raw to the bone.

He knows he's a complete, wonderful, good, marvelous person on his own. He knows he's a great guitarist and a pretty damn good bassist. He knows he makes beautiful music. He knows he's special. He's a fucking snowflake. But it doesn't change the fact that he needs Adam to acknowledge all this. He hates himself a little for it.

"I love you," Adam says, and kisses his temple. He's not even drunk. They have decided not to drink because they often do, and it's pretty damn lame to play the part of jaded rocker. They're in Adam's hotel room in Manchester, and it's uncomfortable because there's just too many of them sitting on the same couch. But they so so love each other and will be missing each other and want to be close close close.

And Tommy wants to scream.

He doesn't know what he wants. Most of all he doesn't know what he should want. He's just not sure. He wants to call Mia and ask: "Does it make me gay if I want to own my boss." The thought makes him laugh, and Adam gives him a funny look.

"What are you thinking?" Adam asks. Tommy hates direct questions like that.

"It's possible I want to freeze time and stay here forever." He can't lie to Adam ever, but he can bend the truth sometimes.

Adam's smile is thousand watts, beautiful and right there. "Awww... For such a tattooed badass you sure know how to talk to a guy."

It's not fair. Tommy wants to escape, pull something over himself so he isn't so fucking exposed. If Adam just opened his eyes he would see what's right in front of him. Tommy Joe Ratliff has hearts in his eyes. It's so embarrassing. Any praise, any form of affection and he's mushy and happy, kitty-ears twitching.

He rubs his cheek against Adam's shoulder, the t-shirt so soft he wants to get even closer. He wraps both his arms around Adam, climbs into his lap. He doesn't care how inappropriate it is.

Adam just hugs him, grabs his own wrist and captures Tommy between his arms. Tommy hides his face into Adam's neck, Adam's hair tickling his nose. He sniffs Adam because he's such a perv.

He's happy because Adam lets him stay there, lets him sit sideways in his lap, legs pulled in close, one arm between Adam's back and the couch and the other one tugging at his hair and drawing small circles on Adam's neck and scalp.

Adam doesn't seem to notice. He's talking with Monte, something serious and business-like, and Tommy is not interested. He likes it there. He feels warm.

It's likely Mia would tell him he's lost it. It's true. He has. Nobody has to tell him that.

Taylor comes back from the bathroom and says to Adam, "You're wearing him again," then pulls at Tommy's hair. "I can still remember those days when you two acted like normal people."

"Never, you mean," Adam says, hands firmly around Tommy. It's easy to hear his smile. Tommy doesn't have to look at these people any more. He knows how they look, how they react, how they smile, how they do everything.

He knows these people.

After a while, Adam pushes him off his lap, complaining that his legs are dying, but he still keeps him close, one arm draped around him.

He's not going to have this for long. He's so used to it now.

Tommy finds it funny that Adam brought all this out of him. He's never kissed people so much. He's never been this affectionate with people. He's never been so open about things. Now, he can easily do any goofy and stupid thing Isaac asks, and he doesn't even think about it.

Adam didn't change him. He just removed all inhibitions he might have had. He sees and feels and tastes more now than he's ever done before. He fears that this will go away, too. He won't miss only Adam. He'll miss all of them.

It probably would be easier if he had experienced this before but he hasn't. He has no idea how it feels when they go back, when the tour is over. He has no idea if they'll be able to hold on to the wonderful relationships they've created here. He worships Monte. He thinks Isaac is his long lost twin. He adores the dancers. Camila is their voice of reason, and the only person in their little group who has as good a talent for sleeping as Tommy does. Sutan. Neil. All of them. He'll go crazy when it's over.

"Adam?"

Adam turns to look at him, seems to notice the strange tone in his voice. "What?" He speaks softly, touches Tommy's ear, brushes his hair out of the way.

"Keep us together. Please."

Adam tilts his head, stares at him, blue eyes soft but intense. "Want me to be the glue, baby?"

Before Tommy can answer Adam leans in and kisses him, lips sweet and tender, his mouth still, just touching lightly. When he pulls away there's a beautiful smile on his face. "Don't worry. Everything will be okay."

He knows people think they are secretly together, and have been for a long long while. He knows it looks like that to other people. The moment they met they connected, and since then, they've been close. It's easy for Tommy to lean into Adam. It's easy for them to kiss. Everything about them is easy.

Then why the fuck is his stomach in knots? Why does he feel like crying? It's just not easy any more.

Even now that Adam is with someone (Tommy doesn't want to talk about it, and Adam respects that) they're still like this. He's still all over Adam, and Adam is still all over him. Their hands find each other. Their eyes lock. Their bodies look for one another. Always.

It's such a fucking mess. He can't escape from it any more. He's trapped. Completely. Hopeless and needy.

He gets up, and yawns because he wants to be believable. He says he's tired. It's not even nine yet.

Adam is still talking with Monte, but Tommy missing from his side has been noticed. Adam gets up, too, doesn't want to let him go, but Tommy leaves before he loses his mind completely.

He says bye to everyone, then turns his back to them. He has to make decisions or this will kill him. He's always been bad at boundaries. He's kind of stupid that way. Even as a child he thought it was okay for other kids to borrow the toys he was playing with. Like his needs meant less than everyone else's.

Maybe he's still like that a little. Letting the fans kiss him. Letting people push and pull at him to different directions. Letting Adam rule his entire existence.

Tommy goes to his room, puts his jacket, scarf and hat on, and goes outside.

The fresh air gives him clarity, but it's not pretty. Now he only sees more clearly what he has and doesn't have. He has the best friendship he's ever had. Otherwise he has no claim on Adam. He can't demand anything. He can't expect anything. He can't ask for anything. He's on his own.

It actually does make him cry, and he feels like a train wreck. How the fuck did he get here?

The year has been incredibly long. Adam has taken him to places he's never even imagined. He's seen some weird shit, too.

He wonders if they're going to spend New Years Eve together. He knows Adam is going to Paris after the last gig in London. Everything seems so uncertain.

His nose is running, and he wipes his face with his sleeve. He's pathetic. He's just walking around, no direction, no idea where to go and what to do. He just wants to get away. Or go back. Or disappear.

Tommy looks around and realizes he's walked too far. He's lost. He takes his iPhone from his pocket, clicks the GPS icon, and finds his location. He follows the directions, his fingers freezing. He might get sick. That would be fucking brilliant.

The hotel is right around the corner, but he still doesn't want to go in. He goes to a nearby bar and orders a beer.

He finds a free table and sits down. He takes off his hat, but leaves the jacket on. He's still cold.

A pretty blonde walks by, and then comes back, smiling to him. "Hi there," she says. "Want some company? My friends haven't arrived yet." Her accent is heavy, and he has to really concentrate on understanding her.

"Okay," he says and smiles back.

She sits down, looks at him, and then leans closer, whispering, "You probably want to wipe your face." She dips a napkin into a water glass and gives it to him.

He should probably feel embarrassed as hell, but he doesn't care. The emotional roller-coaster ride has been too tiring.

"What's your name?" he asks while cleaning his face.

"Mary." She grins. "My parents had no imagination."

He laughs a little. "Tommy. Not so imaginative either."

She likes that, her eyes full of sparks. Then she says, "You missed a spot." She reaches out, takes the napkin from his hand, and wipes his chin. "Okay, you're fine."

It makes him shy all of a sudden, and he drinks his beer to hide it. He doesn't know what to do with his other hand, and he just grabs the side of his chair. He feels awkward and awful.

"You're an American, aren't you?" she asks, hiding pretty well that she noticed his discomfort.

"Yeah, I'm from LA." He mentally kicks himself. He doesn't want to talk about Hollywood crap and what he does for a living. Shit. "What about you?"

She grins, wide and beautiful, her whole face lighting up. "Manchester born and raised. I'm a teacher." She tilts her head, gives him a long look, and then says, "Can I say something? It's going to sound utterly stupid, but can I still say it?"

He nods because he likes straightforwardness.

"I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as enigmatic as you." She probably notices his frown because she adds, "It's a good thing. It also means hell of a charisma. But... I think I managed to find you when you're off your game." She takes a sip from her drink. "Would you like to be alone? I can leave. No hard feelings whatsoever."

Her openness surprises him. He knows it's written all over his face because he has no control over his stupid expressions. There are enough fan videos to prove that. "No. Stay. It's okay," he says. He kind of likes this Mary-girl. She keeps his thoughts in here and now.

"Good." Her smile wideness. "There's something I'd like to ask, and this is superpersonal. You can leave it unanswered, and we can just chat some random shit while I wait for my friends. Fair?"

She has green eyes. He wonders if that's their real color. "Ask away."

"So remember... don't answer if..." She nods, then drinks a bit. Liquid courage, maybe. "What made you cry?"

He expected this, but still wondered if she would ask it. Most people wouldn't have. "I'm a mess," he says and knows it's not an answer. "Many things in my life are changing at the moment, and I just don't know what to do with it all."

"Like what?" she asks, quiet and careful as though afraid that she might scare him away.

"I have a group of friends, and we've been doing this huge project together for six months, and now it's almost over. I don't know what happens next. I don't know anything. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe everything changes. Maybe I'll lose them all."

"I thought it might be love-related. It usually is. It isn't?" She looks less scared and more intrigued. It feels like she's truly interested in him, just him as a person.

Tommy brushes his hair off his face, holds on to a few strands, then looks at her in the eyes. "Honestly, I don't know. It's complicated."

She laughs a little, soft and warm. "I fell for my sister's boyfriend's father. Complicated doesn't even begin to describe that."

He laughs with her, and they toast to bad relationships.

Mary is talkative and nice, and so easy-going that Tommy forgets the time. They talk about movies and music and traveling. Mary has traveled around Europe by train, and she's visited the States a few times, too. They both hate flying, and Mary laughs at all the horror stories Tommy tells her. He's experienced quite a few horrible flights, and she pats his hand sympathetically, feeling his pain. The touch is friendly and he holds on to her hand after that. She doesn't pull away.

Her friends are late, and they order new drinks and some snacks, too. Tommy pays for everything, and she actually blushes. "I never let anyone pay for me," she says. "It gives them ideas."

"That gives me ideas," he says, pursing his lips.

She laughs, but he can tell that they are on the same page. She likes him. He likes her back. It's nice.

His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he gets it out. The SMS is from Adam: Are you ok?

"Is that from the Complicated?" Mary asks, a guarded look on her face.

Tommy nods. He chooses to answer the message because Adam would only worry, and despite everything he can't let that happen. A small part of him wants that, though, but he won't listen to that part. He texts: In a bar. Couldn't sleep. I'm okay. Good night.

He puts the phone away, but it vibrates almost immediately after that. "Shit. Sorry."

Come back, please.

The words slash his heart, and for a moment, he can't breathe. It's so stupid.

Can't. I'm with someone. He wants to add something, but there's nothing to add. He sends it, and Adam's only answer is: Okay. :) Have fun.

After putting the phone away, he covers his face with his hands, sighing.

"What did she say?" Mary asks quietly.

"It's nothing. I'll be okay in a moment." He breathes in and out a few times, emptying his mind of all things Adam.

"Why is it complicated?"

Tommy laughs. What can he say? Because he's seeing someone? Because he's my boss and I owe everything to him? Because I'm not sure what I feel? Because he's a he? All of these are good enough reasons on their own. Together they make it fucking impossible. "I'm not good at... knowing what I want. This person is gorgeous and perfect in so many ways, but on the other hand, it just couldn't work. I don't know." He feels like screaming again. He left because he couldn't deal with this frustration.

"I might sound like a broken record, but why do you think it couldn't work?"

She is sweet, and he can't just use that. It wouldn't be fair. Yeah, he's a fuck up. "Because I don't really matter, and because there's a third person involved, and because... it just wouldn't."

Mary looks puzzled and maybe even a little angry. "You don't matter? What do you mean? She doesn't care about you enough?"

Tommy finishes his beer while he thinks about it. "Caring is not the problem. I think there's enough caring for the rest of the world here... It's just... I'm not the right guy. And I'm not even sure if I want to be. I'm pretty sure that's not what this is. I've just never met anyone like-" Tommy stares at the door. Adam is standing there, a bodyguard beside him. He doesn't even scan the room, he sees Tommy immediately.

He vaguely notices that Mary follows his stare and sees Adam, too. "Oh..." she says. "You're with him."

He wants to correct her but can't because his voice is gone. He's not with Adam. Right now he's floating somewhere dark.

Adam walks across the room, not caring that people are staring at him. He's dressed in plain clothes, but he still manages to be an eye-catcher. He was born that way.

Mary glances at Tommy, then Adam and then Tommy again, her eyes wide. "Is he the one?" she whispers to him, and he nods, not caring that she knows the truth. He can't figure out why Adam is here. And it makes him scared. "He's filthy gorgeous," she whispers right before Adam stops in front of their table. Tommy can't help the smile her words bring to his lips, and Adam smiles back at him.

"I was worried about you," he says quietly.

Why? He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He's done it for a very long time. "I'm okay, as you can see." He introduces Mary to Adam, but he doesn't use surnames. He doesn't know hers and his would only draw even more attention to their table.

Adam sits down, Philip the bodyguard standing nonchalantly nearby. "I don't believe you," Adam says after checking Mary over. He seems to accept her as someone okay, someone who's not going to spread everything they say here now.

Tommy is not maybe as good at figuring people out, but he attracts mostly good people. He's blessed that way. It's a good thing because he would be in trouble all the time if he didn't. Sometimes he wonders why it is so. Maybe because he looks like an androgynous elf who needs protecting. He doesn't, but it's an okay image. It's also funny that he hasn't looked like this always. Adam has sprinkled fairy dust on all of them.

"You left with a face I haven't seen on you before." Adam sounds tired. Tommy wonders what they've been doing after he left.

"I needed to be alone. The end is near, and I'm not good at dealing with change. I hate it. But I'm okay. Mary here is wonderful company." He puts his arm around her shoulders, and she looks at him, green eyes sparkling. "So are you," she says, kind and caring. He actually chokes a little because she means it.

Adam pinches the bridge of his nose. "Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." He tries to get up, but Tommy captures his wrist before he can move. He panics a little because he has no idea why he did that. His body just moved on its own.

Adam stares at his hand like it's offending him somehow. "Want me to stay here?" he asks, voice sharp and edgy.

Tommy should just let go, but he can't. No bad blood between them ever. No matter what. "No, I want you to take me with you." He swallows. Stupid fucking mouth and stupid fucking words. He should have said something normal. Not something like this. So many meanings behind those little words.

Adam's eyes soften, then he closes them, hides from him a little while. There's a bond between them, has been since they met. He can feel it where his hand is holding Adam's wrist. He feels strings pulling them together. Invisible, maybe, but still there.

Mary stands up, gives him a note and a kiss, and leaves without a word. She's beautiful, and Tommy watches her walk away.

"She likes you," Adam says when they go to the door, Tommy's hand still wrapped around Adam's wrist.

"I like her, too."

"Why'd you let her go then?"

He hesitates only for a second. "I like you more."

Adam stops and Tommy runs into him. His teeth scrape his lips, and he tastes blood. It hurts. "Ouch." He touches his lower lip, feels the skin that's broken.

"Sorry. Sorry." Adam puts two fingers under Tommy's chin, tilts his head toward the light, and looks at the damage he's done. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

It's not bad. It'll be gone in the morning, he's sure. And there's nothing Sutan's magical skills can't cover.

There's a car waiting for them outside, and Adam lets him get in first. Adam sits next to him, too close considering there's lots of room in the backseat, but he's concerned and Tommy forgives him.

They don't say anything, but when they get out of the car and walk back to the hotel, Adam puts his hand to the small of Tommy's back, guiding him through the lobby and the elevator and the corridors to his room.

When Adam closes the door behind them Tommy feels like all air gets sucked out of his lungs. He has to sit down.

Adam kneels before him, and takes hold of his chin. "Shit. It looks bad."

"It's okay. Doesn't even hurt any more." He's maybe not completely honest, but he doesn't mind this kind of pain so it's okay.

"It looks hot, too," Adam says, staring at his lips.

Tommy smiles, and it's a fucking bad idea. The wound opens, and he licks the blood away, grimacing. "Now it hurts," he says.

"You surprised me," Adam says. "I’m so sorry."

Yeah, he did. He surprised himself, too. He wants to say it was nothing, but that would undermine everything. It was something. "I might be slightly insane," he says, not looking at Adam, scratching the nail polish off his fingernails.

"I like your kind of insanity." Adam hasn't removed his hand from Tommy's chin, and he turns Tommy's face up and toward him. He leans closer and licks the cut on Tommy's lip.

Tommy sucks in a sharp breath. It stings. He didn't expect that, and when Adam grabs his neck and pulls him into a proper kiss he lets it happen. He can taste blood, and his eyes tear up because it hurts. Adam is gentle but thorough, and when he sucks Tommy's lower lip into his mouth, Tommy gasps in pain.

They never do this, not in hotel rooms, not somewhere private. This line they haven't crossed before. Tommy puts his hand against Adam's chest and pushes, his fingers curling, still wanting to pull him closer instead. Adam bites his lip, won't let go.

Fuck. He grabs a handful of Adam's hair and tugs, hard.

"What?" Adam asks, voice pure sex and frustration.

"We're not doing this," Tommy says, watching Adam, waiting for him to gain control.

"Why?"

Tommy wants to slap him. Instead he strokes the side of his head, his neck. "Want me to answer from your point of view or mine?"

"Oh." Adam pulls back, stares at him, eyes dark and heavy lidded.

Yeah, the other guy. He deserves better than this, but Tommy really doesn't care about him. He cares about what's between him and Adam, and how to keep it there forever. He doesn't want Adam to take him lightly, to think that friends with benefits is something he'd be willing to do. Maybe. If he wasn't so emotionally involved. And even then it would be very iffy, considering he hasn't really done anything with guys before. The thoughts run through him, fast and violent. He can't control them.

"If this was simple would you want me?" Adam asks, careful and quiet.

"Pretty much yeah," he says, then adds, "It's possible I still wouldn't want to do anything."

Adam nods, then touches Tommy's lip lightly. "It's bleeding again."

Tommy wants to smash the moment to pieces so he says, "I bleed for you, baby,” and Adam laughs. Tommy tries not to because it hurts too much.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you." Adam gets up, takes his jacket off, then sits on the bed opposite Tommy. “Where do you want to go from here?” he asks after a while.

“As long as you’re there, I don’t really care.” He actually means it.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.” He also knows that Adam can see everything he’s feeling. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Strange life. Strange world. Strange love.

“Have you ever wondered why we’re like this?”

Tommy remembers not to smile, but it’s not easy. “Yeah. You just feel familiar, like we’ve always known each other. You’re a part of me.”

Adam looks beautiful. Sometimes he’s like normal people. Sometimes he’s not so pretty, not so perfect, not so otherworldly. But most of the time he shines. There’s no other word for it. It’s not just his voice that’s not from this world.

“I like that. Especially coming from you.” Adam sounds pleased and happy. Neither of them is religious, but Adam is much more open about things than Tommy is. He believes in funny things. Tommy believes in nothing but what he can see. He can see Adam pretty damn clearly.

He holds out his hand, and Adam takes it. “I love you,” he says because it’s true.

Adam squeezes his hand. “We’re insane.”

“Yeah…”

“I’ve never met anyone like you.”

He could have said those words. He’s never been this special to someone. Nobody has been this special to him before. He feels content, like a piece of him has returned.

“I’m so happy,” Adam says and laughs, the last word kind of broken and breathless.

“Me too.” It can be anything. Adam is right there with him. It’s enough.

Adam tilts his head, looks at him. There’s something wicked in his eyes. “You have no idea what I’d like to do to you.”

“I can guess.”

It’s the strangest conversation he’s ever had with anyone. He’s never been this honest, this fearless, this open. They are on a wire together, and neither of them is going to push the other one down.

“Will we end up together?” Adam asks, and this time his heart is in those words.

Tommy nods. That’s all he can do. No words.

That night, Adam sings Fever to him and means every word.