Chapter Text
The cafe’s busy - like always. Not quite crowded, but certainly active. There’s a table - no, wait, two - free, when Kaidan gets there and he’s quick to snag one by the balcony in the corner. He’s early - always early. But he’d been too nervous to do much else. He could’ve stayed on the Normandy, sure. But that came with the risk of running into Shepard and having to explain himself, or getting distracted with Tali about the latest omnitool she’d…acquired with Shepard’s help.
Or he could’ve wandered around the presidium for a little while longer, he supposed. But he’d already run into one elcor, distracted as he was, so that…just didn’t seem like a good option either.
But now, he was here. At the cafe. Waiting.
He didn’t really…know what he was worried about. He’d barely sent off the invitation, having been unable to figure out a casual way to drop it into a conversation, before Shepard had sent back that he thought it was a great idea.
Sure, Shepard didn’t know what the idea actually was but…even if this just ended up being lunch, Kaidan couldn’t really say he’d be upset - disappointed, briefly, maybe, but not upset. Genuinely, this couldn’t end badly. Only better.
So why was he so nervous?
(It was that better, wasn’t it?)
The minutes ticked by almost unbearably slowly, and though Kaidan did his best not to watch the time, the farther it got past their agreed time, the lower his stomach sank. Where was he?
Maybe there was a way for this to end badly.
It’s just as that thought it starting to gain weight in his mind that he feels…it’s hard to explain, and one he’s never quite been able to, except to their resident asari. There’s a friction in the air that wasn’t there a moment before - not unlike the flow of electrostatic energy that comes off a lightning strike, but…heavier. Staticy and ill-defined, but weighted back against his lungs. It’s not a feeling he expects at the Citadel. A shoot out, certainly - hell, an argument between Wrex and…anyone, even. But not here.
Sure enough, Shepard comes barreling around the corner not a moment later.
Kaidan would be mad - upset? worried? - except the man is glowing, just at the edges, where no one thinks to look without reason; he’d run the whole damn way here, loosing energy all the way. He seems to gain the sense of mind to slow down once he gets to the actual cafe, and Kaidan can see the moment Shepard finds him in the crowd - relaxed shoulders, a small smile, and a pick up in his step - and Kaidan…Kaidan can’t with this man.
“Chakwas or Liara?” He asks, as Shepard drops down beside him. That gets him a sheepish look - well, the closest he ever gets to sheepish anyway - and a glance towards the bar. “Ah, Liara.”
“I’m sorry, Kaidan. She stopped me right by the airlock.”
“Mm. Anything important?”
“Always.” Is the tired, but fond, response he gets. And Kaidan gets it - he really, really does. There’s very few…small things, these days. Very few moments that aren’t important, that don’t need immediate attention. “But, then she saw me look at my omnitool, asked if I had somewhere to be, and got this weird look on her face when I said you. Said we could figure it out later after that.”
Well. At least she didn’t blurt it out. Kaidan will have to remember to thank her for that next time they end up in the lounge drinking.
He reaches over to lightly squeeze his arm - there’s a moment there, where Shepard looks surprised, but it’s gone again before Kaidan can really think about it. “Well, glad you made it. I was really hoping we’d get a chance to do this - sanity check, you know?”
Shepard hums softly, crossing his arms on the table and giving him a lopsided smile - the first real one Kaidan’s seen in…in a little while. “Things have been a bit of a mess, huh?” And it’s such an…such an understatement, that it surprises a laugh out of Kaidan. It’s not a pretty laugh, but it’s light, in a way. And Shepard’s smile stays, like he knows exactly what he did.
“Yeah that’s…that’s one way to put it. Aren’t a whole lot of free moments left to just…sit, and be for a bit, with the people you’re with every day, huh?”
“Nah, but we found one. And I don’t intend to waste it. What’re you drinking?” Shepard asks, even as he looks back towards the bar, hand already halfway up like he knows the answer ahead of time. Hell, he probably does - Kaidan would be the first to admit his tastes haven’t changed much over the years.
“Shot of whiskey and Canadian lager - think they have it?” And it’s a pipe dream on the latter, a hope on the former.
“Batarian shard wine, if you’re lucky, and you know it.” Shepard replies, a laugh coloring his tone. Kaidan reaches over to shove him, laughing again.
“Yeah, yeah. A man can dream.”
Aethyta is definitely ignoring them, so Shepard seems to give up on trying to get her attention, shaking his head with a hum and settling back down in his chair. “He can, but delusional might be a step too far.”
It’s a joke - a completely unrelated joke at that - but Kaidan has to stop for a moment, to breathe around the weight in his stomach. It hadn’t disappeared, when Shepard had showed up. But he had been able to forget about it, if only for a moment. Shepard frowns when he notices the sudden switch, leaning forward to catch Kaidan’s eye.
“Hey, you okay?” He nods, quickly, even as he looks back out over the balcony. The nerves are back, and he can’t seem to shake them. He wants this - even if he doesn’t know what this is. Hasn’t let himself…imagine anything past this moment.
As Kaidan looks out at the balcony, he’s hit with a different feeling entirely - a sudden turn so sharp that that weight in his stomach turns to air, leaving him feeling hollow. So many people, wandering in and out of shops and storefronts - walking along the water and going about their day. From this angle, he can see a good stretch of the presidium and the…the ridiculousness of it all just hits him, then and there.
Here he is, sitting in a cafe of all places, working up the courage to ask the most important man in the galaxy right now something absolutely inane, and no one around him has…any damn clue. Including said man. No one around them is paying them a moment’s attention - all going about their day as if nothing is wrong. As if…nothing has happened.
What is he doing right now? Why is he doing it right now? They should just eat their lunch and get back to the Normandy - they had to head out in a couple hours anyway, the only reason they were even here was for a quick check of the systems and some minor repairs and then they were needed several relays out almost immediately, because what they were doing was important, and they were the only ones that could get there in time without leaving a break in someone else’s defenses and-
It’s not until Shepard gently - always gently, never carefully, not when Kaidan can’t stand it - grips his hand that he shakes himself out of his thoughts. “Right. Sanity check. I needed this.” His smile feels forced, but when Shepard just watches him, patiently, and not fooled in the slightest, he relaxes a little with a small laugh, feeling the weightlessness of before settle back down into some semblance of steady. “Sorry. Still a little restless I guess.” Shepard seems to accept that at least, leaning back in his chair - though, Kaidan notices with a traitorous tug behind his lungs, that he doesn’t let go of his hand.
He’d missed that, he realized, that easy grip. On his arm, his shoulder - a light push at a bad joke, a tug to get his attention, and the way he returned it without a second thought. They used to orbit each other, always an arm length away so that, when they fell, it seemed as natural as breathing to catch each other.
When had that stopped?
When he’d grabbed Shepard’s arm earlier…was that the first time he’d touched him since he’d been back? Had Shepard been holding himself back?
Kaidan’s getting really tired of these sinking feelings - it had been. Since he’d reinstated himself on the Normandy, they hadn’t touched. They’d been back in each other’s orbit, sure, and they’d wasted very little time reestablishing some kind of footing with each other but they hadn’t…it hadn’t been the same.
He carefully, so so carefully, tightens his grip on Shepard’s hand without a word. No matter how this goes, he doesn’t want to lose this again.
If Shepard notices, he makes no indication. “What’s going on Kaidan?” And that’s the kicker isn’t it? Kaidan has no damn clue. But, he asked for this - he vaguely planned it. And now that he’s here…
“Just…wanted to take a moment, with you. That’s all. Like I said, we haven’t really had too much time to just…be, despite the fact that we see each other every day. And no, the lounge doesn’t count.” He adds, when he sees Shepard open his mouth. He snorts when Shepard raises his free hand in defeat.
“You’re right, we haven’t. But…” He pauses, seeming to consider what he wants to say next. “You haven’t looked at the menu once. And there’s restless, and then there’s nervous.” His voice drops - warm, concerned, and soft, “And you’re nervous.”
Oh, right. Kaidan happened to be in love with a chronically observant blunt instrument.
“...First off, I have too. And second…” He sighs, before steeling himself as best he can. He asked for this - wanted this. The galaxy, the Citadel, the Reapers…all of them could take a back seat, for once, goddammit. There was no way he was backing out now, nerves or no. “We’ve been friends a long time, Casey. And…it’s been a long time since I looked at what I wanted. The end of the world is definitely the worst damn time to try to figure it out, but it definitely helps you put things in perspective. Like how I haven’t been with anyone, even looked at anyone in years. Like how maybe I’m not just…choosy, or patient, but maybe…maybe what I want is something deeper with someone I already…care about. Does that make sense?”
He didn’t mean that to be a ramble. Hell, he’d had some vague outline of a speech and everything. But, it was out there now. He searched Casey’s face for…something, anything - any kind of reaction.
But his face was as blank as ever. He was just watching Kaidan, the gears turning in his head, in a way Kaidan recognized, even if he couldn’t parse it well. As the silence drags on a beat too long, Kaidan realizes he’s holding his breath - can feel it burn in his lungs, only to break when Casey finally speaks.
“Do you want to get out of here?”