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It's not the first time they kiss.
And he's sure that it's not the last time they will do it either.
Although it's often easy for Charlie to point to the negatives after going through a huge bout of hesitation—if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong—with Nick there's a certain assurance that even if he doesn't buckle up during the journey, at the end, he'll end up touching solid ground. Like a bright beacon and a ship wandering aimlessly in the gloom, giving away shimmering light until the lost crew finds its way back without pressure and with care.
Perhaps it's because he has given him all the things that he has been unable to find with others. A person that you can take by the hand and know that it's them despite the fact that you may not know the outcome, someone to whom you can whisper your secrets (and insecurities) in the most transparent way without feeling judged, and who will stand firm despite the result being disastrous. Added of course to the fact that Charlie, regardless of the storm he sometimes gets stuck in, is willing to give the same back and even more.
Love is not just a feeling with which you throw yourself into blind faith without fear. It's a mix of everything: good and bad, up and down, black and white, grey. Where it's necessary to return and stop on more than one occasion to check that the gears are running in the right way, accept imperfections as something more worthy of admiration, and build a fortified home in honesty and mutual affection.
That's the way it feels to be around Nick. As if Charlie had been on a huge roller coaster with the entrails flying over the top of his stomach only to end up screaming with joy and excitement once the start button was pressed. Doing science homework is so much more fun with his company, even though they end up doing most of it in a rush because they've wasted time sneaking glances at each other until more than a few laughs manage to escape. Watching movies with limbs tangled covered in blankets, or just writing nonsensical jokes on Netflix Party chat late at night. Holding hands under the school desk when teachers attend to other business. Going on an express trip to a location Charlie doesn't know about because Nick loves showing up out of nowhere with a surprise up his sleeve. And even when one ends up crying on the other's lap, things don't feel wobbly because there is that certainty that soon something will get better and it's about them.
Charlie can come to doubt many things, but if there's one thing he will never think twice about, it is how much his boyfriend loves him.
They keep coming out of the eye of the storm. With Charlie attending to his routine therapies after not being around for a couple of months, and putting aside the huge monster in his head that sometimes keeps showing his jaws when he finds himself face to face with a plate full of food. Because he wants to improve, for himself, for the boy who always gives him a specific smile to let him know that he is by his side, and each one of the people around him who give him affection on a daily basis.
They keep growing. Together.
And making out in Nick's room after an afternoon playing side by side with Nellie and both having their noses pressed to textbooks is nothing new, even though there's no time when fireworks don't explode in every single cell of his body each time their breaths meet midway and their lips gently touch.
Except this time it's different.
Not because it feels bad—it actually feels more than wonderful. The thing is, it feels so good that it seems like his body is starting to turn to jelly with every passing second. They've talked about it before, of course, because issues—even the smallest of them—are brought up on the table at every turn no matter how embarrassing they may be. And it's normal, he knows it's normal, even though he can't help but feel lost halfway through.
Their relationship is made up of warm hugs and kisses painted with each of its nuances: short, warm, abrupt, excessively long and some that should not even be considered kisses because both end up smiling before being able to complete their mission. And Charlie has always thought Nick is attractive. Like, he's sure he's mentioned things about his arms on more than one occasion, but lately he finds himself entranced by the way his eyelashes sway across his smooth skin, the Adam's apple bouncing up and down every time he gulps, the escaping collarbones hidden under his sports shirt, and have you seen the amount of muscle mass resting inside those legs as if they weren't guilty of a hundred crimes against his sanity?
Does he need to take the time to talk about the ragged breaths Nick takes every time they decide to stop a kiss that has gone on too long, and how the sound makes his condition worse?
Surely it's because he plays rugby as if it were some cult that is impossible to ignore, yeah.
And it's his fault that when Charlie gets into the shower he ends up in an awkward situation when he gets distracted, thinking that Nick might be the one to touch him in the suds and hot water, running out of the bathroom without rinsing properly when the blood of his body ends up running with too much emotion to areas that he doesn't intend to pronounce now but that leaves him uncomfortable enough not to even dare to touch his own body.
In reality, what they've spoken between them doesn't have exactly concrete words.
(Would you like to do it?
Well, of course. But I don't think I'm ready now.
Phew, okay. I don't think I'm ready either.)
Do what? Ready for what?
He can ignore it, but the truth is Charlie knows the answer in great detail. And he doesn't plan to dip into the internet one more time when he knows he already has too many answers and even more questions than he started with thanks to a search he didn't skimp on details. When he says that he is not ready it is because he isn't. And going into digging up the points concerning intercourse would be an entirely different topic that will leave him standing in a place consumed by more fears: has he already mentioned that he feels he's too young to attempt such a thing? Not forgetting the social pressure or prejudice that comes with it, so what if it's painful? What if he doesn't like it? What if the person he's with—hopefully Nick, one day—doesn't like it? What if it's awkward?
Well, it sure is going to be awkward, though maybe that point is easier to deal with when the person next to you makes sure to allay your nerves rather than escalate them when they're likely to deal with their own storm running through their thoughts.
So, no. Sex has been off the list of options for a very long time.
And it sounds too pretentious for Charlie to think of anything that includes going completely naked in front of another individual when every single point he's made in the middle of his presentation revolves around what's developing this whole existential crisis: he's unable to take off his shirt in front of his boyfriend.
And it's not because he doesn't trust him, because Nick is the person he ends up coming back to again and again no matter what mess he's dealing with. Rather it's one of the many problems he carries with trying to unload the burden in baby steps. That eating the right way has cost him a lot, yes, and that he often finds himself doing sports—running trying to beat the speed of light, with the wind blowing hard against his face and the air cutting through your his when it becomes to scarce ends up being the best feeling in the world to clear thoughts. And even though Charlie finds himself working through this on a daily basis, keeping his plate empty after every meal, talking about the things that matter with others, and trying to maintain the sporting part of his life that he loves the most, there are things he just can't do blindsight.
By that he means the fact that he's skinny, thinner than an average person is. Regardless of how much weight he has gained in recent months, his bones continue to show in each of his extremities, and when he runs out of the bathroom in the middle of his irremediable episode of shame, he ends up facing a mirror that shows him a sad boy that surely the air could blow away.
His arms will never look beefy like Nick's, his collarbones probably won't be the least bit attractive because they must be similar to witnessing a live skeleton, and to be honest, people don't have an accurate record of finding Charlie attractive before.
While sex is ruled out, taking a step a little further comes to the fore among his desires, however it's one that he's not capable of even trying.
Does Nick even find him attractive in that particular way?
In the middle of a kiss that only gets deeper as time passes, his boyfriend's hand releases his face, sliding down through his back until it reaches the edge of the fabric where his shirt ends, closing his fist around it.
Then he carefully breaks the kiss, tapping lightly on his lips as he pulls back to meet his eyes. His gaze only manages to convey a devotion that should be impossible, and his free hand ends up tucking Charlie's curls behind his ear as he begins to whisper.
"Can I take this off?" he asks, tightening his grip on his shirt to emphasize what he means even though his intentions are clear from the start.
Charlie opens his mouth wide, then closes it. He reopens it. He recloses it. The words fail to make synapses in his brain and end up lost when no clear idea manages to settle.
He knows he wants him to do it. It's clear that he will replay the scene in his head later, ending at unexpected points where Nick takes off his clothes with a kindness that until that point he continues to believe non-existent, spraying kisses on every free patch of skin he finds in his path. He also thinks longingly that he would like to grab Charlie's own t-shirt and throw it across the room, run his fingertips over every inch of his arms until he memorizes how they feel under the touch and fully records each one of the curves that draw his back.
And while Nick's affection is something he would never dare to doubt, having no idea what his opinion of his slim figure will be has him spinning over and over again.
"No," he answers out of sheer inertia.
Nick's eyebrows lower a little in an expression that mixes great confusion with a hint of sadness that turns his insides.
He's vaguely aware of Nick removing his hand from his shirt, but he continues to hug him tightly from behind anyway.
"May I ask why?"
Saying things bluntly tends to be a problem at first.
"I don't think that's what you want," he admits, he doesn't look directly at him and bites his lip.
At that moment, Nick's expression ends up showing a huge accumulation of doubts that perhaps neither of them is capable of understanding. Then he smiles at him, as if he's just told a joke that he finds too funny and at the same time caresses every little point settled in his expression.
"What are you talking about?" he presses him against his chest, their faces nearly colliding midway. "I really like you, Charlie. I want you, Charlie. I love you so much, Charlie."
He betrays himself by smiling as he hears the words, entranced.
"It's not that," he speaks. He lets out a sigh, dispelling every one of his doubts knowing full well that his relationship with Nick is built on huge rungs because a part of it has been molded around trust. "What's under the shirt, I don't think that's what you want."
Amidst his many fantasies, and if he tries hard enough, he'll probably also be able to see his boyfriend's disappointed expression once that guillotine-like item of clothing ends up no longer being an impediment between them. And the thought alone is enough to leave his heart reduced to rubble.
He doesn't need to say any more words because Nick understands what he means from the first try, letting go of his back once and for all only for both of his hands to rest on the sides of his face forcing him to look straight into his eyes. Worried eyes that give love anyway.
"I think that's mathematically impossible," he replies in a much more relaxed tone.
Charlie furrows his brow.
"I'm sure the last time I checked you sucked at math."
"Hey!" Nick gives him a little smack on the chest, which ends up dissipating the tension and makes them both smile heartily. "Give me some credit, I have a super-smart boyfriend who could tear you to shreds."
"Is that so?"
He doesn't hear answers. Instead he's greeted by another kiss, only this one is quieter, sweeter, seeking to give him comfort and confidence.
When Nick pulls away again, he smiles at him more heartily.
"Extremely smart. Funny, kind, capable, caring, brilliant. An amazing person. An exceptional friend and an even better boyfriend." Each syllable escapes his mouth with an impenetrable assurance that has Charlie's cheeks painted red in a matter of seconds. "And handsome. I actually think someone should put some restrictions on him because he's so absurdly cute that I have trouble on a day-to-day basis living in a place where something like that is possible."
"I think then you should have some restriction too, or that would be unfair…"
Nick kisses him on the forehead.
"Do you want to know the truth, Charlie?" he nods slowly, already his heart beating too hard that he fears it will burst out of his chest. "He drives me crazy. Shirt or no shirt, he drives me crazy. That's something you can't change. Do you want to know what the important part of all this is?"
He nods vaguely.
"That he… no, that you know that whatever it is, I adore you." He gives him another kiss on the forehead. "And that's okay because I will never seek to make you uncomfortable. I'll just be there to remind you of the truth of my words once you decide to push forward."
This time he's unable to keep the watery layer that adorns his eyes at bay.
"Nick?" he sputters.
"Yes?"
"I adore you too," he assures, and it's something he believes with every fiber of his being.
The next thing his boyfriend does is brag that he adores him more, which is a vile lie. Then they kiss some more. And if they spend the rest of the afternoon listening to music on shared headphones, well, that's up to them, they're perfect that way.
The insecurities continue to dance around, they will continue to do so for a longer time. It's not a linear process. And it's possible that Charlie has yet to stumble on more than one to be able to define certain aspects of his life and what he wants to do with them. But once he clears his mind and takes the next step, he'll know one thing for certain: Nick will be on the other side, waiting for him to arrive.
★
It happens a couple of months later.
Once again they find themselves in Nick's room—Charlie's is really dangerous ground because whenever she can his mother throws the door wide open with a frown, or his little brother appears jumping with a huge string of questions that none is able to answer because of shame—this time they're not busy with anything related to school, because in reality they've returned from the park where they have bought icy poles already finished; in the background, a couple of songs that Charlie chose after they both deserted hearing the disastrous playlist that Tao sent them are listened to.
They're happy, as they are every time they're next to each other.
Soon their laughter ends up dying on each other's lips and the sweet taste of sugary ice ends up reaching the other's palate, doing a slow dance of tongues that ends up picking up the pace after a few seconds, completely ignoring the rhythm of the music or what happens outside the room.
Confidence settles in his chest and begins to grow excessively.
"Seriously, who gave you permission to have those arms?" Charlie reprimands with an accusing tone.
Laughter escapes Nick's lips without waiting, and before he can start to answer him something like I already knew that you only wanted me for my arms and you were taking advantage of me, bad boyfriend in order to joke a little, and continuing to kiss like they're in a teen romance movie, Charlie is inclined to take his biggest gamble.
He brings his hands to the fabric of his clothes and begins a task that he knows in great detail. His arms end up rising above his neck, dragging with him the shirt that hangs down his body and leaving exposed skin behind, until he reaches the point where his head joins the rest of his anatomy and he must pull harder and perform one or two tricks here and there until things work.
His bare chest peeks out into the room for the first time.
As soon as he removes the shirt and it loses its relevance to the game, Charlie lets his piece of clothe fall to the floor like it's nothing.
He can't help but laugh loudly.
It's not due to the perplexed expression of Nick, whose eyes are open as if they were two enormous windows, and in whose mouth a fly could enter or in any case drain torrential drool that he only wants close in a different panorama. He actually laughs because he feels liberated from a weight that until then he didn't know he was carrying with him, because the first step has been made everyone wait but he has taken it under his own conditions and he knows now that there's nothing to fear, being confirmed by the look of his boyfriend, both entranced and surprised at the same time.
He raises his eyebrows and is about to open his mouth when this time it's Nick who interrupts him, jumping from where he is to catch his lips in a kiss that competes for dominance. Although Charlie has been sure for a while that he's in total control of the situation, he's instantly surprised when Nick lifts him in his arms to turn him over on the bed until his body ends up on top of his, marking a not-so-light weight but that isn't awkward at all.
“You're beautiful,” Nick says, the breath from his mouth crashing against Charlie's skin as he begins trailing kisses that spread to his neck.
"You tickle me" he warns.
"You're beautiful" repeats Nick as if he wasn't listening to him; he pulls away from his neck just so his gazes can meet. "So beautiful."
And Charlie believes him.
He believes him so much that inside his eyes a couple of tiny treacherous tears end up accumulating, retrieved by Nick's kind lips as soon as they escape without permission. He believes him so much that it's impossible to conceive himself there's anywhere else where he could be this loved.
And Nick takes care to reaffirm it when he continues his arduous mission to leave a long path of kisses for every inch of his body that he can reach, sliding down but coming back every time his lips part to repeat how perfect he is in front of his eyes. Filling his heart with agglomerated words of meaning. The ending is different this time, with Charlie attempting to get up again trying to prove something so that his back ends up against the mattress in a matter of seconds because of Nick, who now seems unable to stay away from him for mere seconds. For surprise of none of them, Nick loses his shirt as well somewhere along the way, the feel of his bare breasts meeting, bringing a torrential electric shock to the rest on his system.
Both discovering new sensations along with uncomfortable laughs that are maintained thanks to two joined hands that refuse to let go.
It's them and just for that simple fact things will be fine.
In the end, love may be a promise.