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Lan Zhan was behaving differently.
Wei Wuxian was back to the Cloud Recesses after six months of wandering around and the first few days, Lan Zhan seemed content, even happy as far as Wei Wuxian could tell. No, he was even pretty sure that Lan Zhan had been happy because Lan Zhan went even so far and sometimes showed this tiny smile that one almost missed if one wasn’t attentive. But Wei Wuxian was very attentive and practically glued to Lan Zhan’s side, so that he wouldn’t miss even one of those smiles, the smiles that made Wei Wuxian’s heart do funny things in his chest.
They went together to Caiyi town and fed the bunnies and even slept together in one bed in the Jingshi, curled up around each other while Lan Zhan stroked his back.
That’s why he didn’t understand what was happening now. Wei Wuxian knew that he had a habit of screwing things up, which was his reason why he had left in the first place. But he couldn’t have stayed away any longer from Lan Zhan. The longer he stayed on the road, the more every fibre in his body longed for Lan Zhan. He had yearned for his easy companionship, his calm and peaceful mood and obviously his more than perfect looks. Gosh, how he had missed the perfectly sculpted arms and these strong shoulders, his defined torso leading to his- No, he couldn’t get side-tracked again, dreaming about Lan Zhan’s body. He needed to find a solution to his problem, namely that Lan Zhan was avoiding him at all costs.
Just yesterday, Lan Zhan had practically fled the library when Wei Wuxian had entered, even knocking over some books in the process. Then when he ran into him this morning in the dining hall where all the disciples had their breakfast, he had taken one look at Wei Wuxian, his ears becoming slightly red at the tips and then Zewu-Jun had nudged him in Wei Wuxian’s direction and Lan Zhan had practically bolted on the spot, leaving Wei Wuxian baffled and Zewu Jun with his ever-polite smile on his lips. Also, his sleeping arrangement had been changed. After he found that Lan Zhan was avoiding him more and more, he decided to look for another sleeping spot. He didn’t want to make Lan Zhan more uncomfortable than he already apparently was.
He was at a loss. When he had arrived at Gusu, he had managed to convince himself to finally confess his feelings to Lan Zhan, his reason why he hadn’t been able to stay away any longer. How his heart burned with desire every time he saw a flash of white robes somewhere in a city or how his stomach fluttered whenever he caught the scent of sandalwood. Wei Wuxian had been fairly sure that Lan Zhan had shared these feelings, at least to some extent, even if it just meant friendship. But now, every action of Lan Zhan made his heart clench painfully. Maybe somewhere he had misunderstood something as usual, and Lan Zhan was just looking for a way to let him down gently. Or maybe Lan Zhan was fed up with his behaviour here and was just too polite to tell him to leave. Wei Wuxian needed answers.
He knocked at the door of the Hanshi twice and Zewu-Jun opened the door only a few seconds later, as if he almost expected Wei Wuxian’s visit. Zewu-Jun still looked tired and drained but coming out of seclusion had done him some good and he was slowly going back to being the sect leader of the Lan clan. Zewu-Jun bowed his head in greeting, opening the door to let Wei Wuxian step through, who passed him by like a whirlwind, the emotions inside him churning.
“How can I help you, Wei Wuxian?” he asked, a polite smile etched on his face. Wei Wuxian took the offered seat and sprawled down on the floor.
“I have a question,” Wei Wuxian said. He was getting more and more nervous. “It’s actually -ah- it’s about Lan Zhan-”, he paused. “He has been avoiding me and I just wanted to know if I did something wrong or -”, he trailed off, unsure how to continue.
What happened if Lan Zhan really did not want to have him here. He couldn’t force Lan Zhan to let him stay here. Additionally, he didn’t know if he even could stay, when he had a daily reminder that he couldn’t have what was right in front of him. Maybe he should just-
“Wei Wuxian- “, Zewu Jun gently grabbed his shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts. “You must know that my brother is very bad at expressing emotions and I believe he finds it hard to formulate how he truly feels. But I am sure that he will talk to you soon because the last thing he wants is to lose your friendship.” And there he had it. Lan Zhan wanted to let him down gently. Lose your friendship. Something in his heart twisted painfully, like someone was stabbing him with a dagger. Lan Zhan was avoiding him because he wanted him out of the Cloud Recesses. He only saw him as a friend. Of course. Wei Wuxian had nothing to offer, and Lan Zhan was everything a partner could wish for. And now, Wei Wuxian’s teasing and flirting must have scared him off.
“Are you all right, Wei Wuxian?” Zewu-Jun’s concerned face swam into his vision. “I know my brother is quite nervous to tell you. He’s really trying to find the right time and place, but I think he’s a little afraid.” Every word of Zewu-Jun drove the dagger deeper into his heart. Lan Zhan was nervous how he would react if he asked him to leave. That must be it. He really didn’t want to leave but here he heard the confirmation that drove the dagger deeper and deeper. But even with the rejection, Wei Wuxian loved Lan Zhan dearly and if Lan Zhan didn’t return his feeling, Wei Wuxian wouldn’t force him. For once in his life, he would do the sensible thing and leave before everything became a mess because of him.
Zewu-Jun still had been talking but Wei Wuxian couldn’t process a word of what the other man was saying, too deep in his own thoughts. Some tears were silently flowing down his cheeks, but he hastily wiped them away with his hand, hoping that Zewu-Jun hadn’t noticed them. He should leave. He needed to leave.
Wei Wuxian struggled upright and quickly bowed.
“Thank you, Zewu-Jun. I think I’ll understand now.” A confused look crossed Zewu-Jun’s face but before he could say anything else, Wei Wuxian turned around and hastily fled the Hanshi to go back to the place where he had stashed some of his stuff. He didn’t care that the sun was already setting, and he would probably have to hike down the Cloud Recesses in absolute darkness. He needed to get out. He couldn’t stay any longer.
He suddenly bumped into a warm boulder of muscle and would have fallen, if not for some strong arms surrounded him, encasing him in a very familiar scent. He looked up and met Lan Zhan’s golden eyes.
“Wei Ying, are you all right?” Lan Zhan’s eyebrows were slightly crinkled, and Wei Wuxian wanted nothing more than to use his thumb and swipe over the smooth skin on his forehead. Lan Zhan seemed concerned. But Wei Wuxian was nothing but a convincing actor. He had to make sure that Lan Zhan wouldn’t feel bad about Wei Wuxian leaving. Lan Zhan shouldn’t have to worry about a thing, least of all a problem created by Wei Wuxian overstaying his welcome. He put on his most dazzling smile and stepped back, bringing distance between himself and Lan Zhan.
“Ayo, I am fine. I was just on my way to –“
“I need to ask you something,” Lan Zhan interrupted him.
Well, that was a first. One of the Lan principles was not to interrupt people’s speech. Lan Zhan must be quite upset to behave like that. But that was what Wei Wuxian’s existence entailed. He made people upset. Lan Zhan probably wanted to ask him if he were fine with leaving the Cloud Recesses. But Wei Wuxian couldn’t hear it coming from Lan Zhan. His heart was only held together by mere threats after his conversation with Zewu-Jun and if Lan Zhan now told him to his face to leave, it would shatter completely. So, he was faster.
“No need, Lan Zhan. I think I figured it out already.” For the first time in his life, Wei Wuxian could tell that Lan Zhan was genuinely baffled.
“You did? How?” Lan Zhan asked confused.
“It’s always been like this. There is just no place on this earth where I can stay for long without annoying the people living there. But it’s fine. Honestly. I’ll just find something new and be out of your hair in a second. Just give me a few minutes and then I’ll be gone.” Wei Wuxian tried smiling again, but the tears were again overflowing and dropping down on the ground. He couldn’t face Lan Zhan anymore. Without looking up, he turned around and ran away, leaving an utterly confused Lan Zhan behind.
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It wouldn’t have taken long to pack his belongings, but the never-ending tears that filled his eyes made it rather difficult to see. He ended up leaving most of his stuff because it had been paid by Lan Zhan, and he couldn’t bear the thought of looking at it and being reminded of him. He tied the straps of his bag together and threw it over his shoulder, making his way with quick steps to the entrance of the Cloud Recesses. He was a little sad that he couldn’t say goodbye to Sizhui and the other ducklings, but he made a mental note to write them, once he was in a different town.
Thankfully, he did not meet anyone on his way to the entrance and he quickly made it to the steps that lead out of the Cloud Recesses and down towards Caiyi town. Night was beginning to set and bathed the Cloud Recesses in a soft warm glow which stood in stark contrast to his frozen and hurt insides. He began his descent down the never-ending stairs. The darker it got, the more fog was starting to curl around the stairs, which made them slippery and harder to see without the light. After Wei Wuxian was more than halfway down, a soft rain was beginning to trickle down. Well, just his luck.
“Dammit,” he softly swore under his breath. His descent was already difficult enough without the light and with the fog additionally hindering his vision, but now that it was slippery, it only added insult to his truly crappy day. Maybe he should just sit down on the stairs and let the rain drown him. At least then his misery would stop. But he wanted to bring some distance between the Lan sect and himself, so he hiked up his bag and continued his descent, the steps becoming more and more like a slope.
One moment he was setting his foot on the step below and the next he was flying uncontrollably down the next flight of stairs, flipping over twice, his leg painfully connecting with the edge of the step and white-hot agony flashed through his body. He tried to grab somewhere to slow his descent, but everything was too slippery, and he tumbled the rest of the stairs down to the next platform, landing with his hip on one of the bigger platforms between the steps, his head connecting with the cold stones.
He lay there panting and dazed, trying to get his bearings back. Black spots were dancing in his vision and his whole body hurt like he had been hit by 20 angry Little Apple’s, his leg especially throbbed to the beat of his rapid pulse. Wei Wuxian didn’t know how long he lay there, trying to get up. But every time he tried, the black spot only got worse, and he collapsed back to the ground. He could do nothing but lay there in agony, letting the cold rain drizzle on him, soaking him to the bone. He was so tired. His body wouldn’t stop screaming at him. He tried again to get up, but pain flashed through him again, more fiercely than before and he felt the darkness wash over him.
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“Hanguang-Jun, here! I see him,” someone was shouting far away. Then another voice, a closer whisper - “Wei Ying.”
Opening his eyes was almost impossible for Wei Wuxian, but he managed to squint at the voice, his head aching and his vision blurry. But even with his blurred vision, the man in front of him was ethereal, with the moon illuminating his perfect face, his hair flowing behind him in the breeze and his white robes billowing around him. Lan Zhan looked like an angel descended from the heavens. Wei Wuxian gave a tired smile, his whole body protesting even at this small movement. He wanted nothing more than be held in Lan Zhan’s embrace at the moment. And miraculously Lan Zhan just did that. He gently cradled Wei Wuxian’s head in his lap, tenderly running his fingers through his hair to check for injuries. And finally, Wei Wuxian a content feeling rushed through him. He felt his eyes start to close.
“Wei Ying, you need to stay awake.” Oh, how he wished he could obey Lan Zhan’s order. But everything hurt and he was beyond exhausted, his eyes closing against his will, the darkness pulling him back under, the last thing he saw was Lan Zhan’s eyes filling with tears.
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The first thing Wei Wuxian became aware of was that his body didn’t hurt anymore, or at least not as much as before. The pain was a dull feeling that, if he didn’t focus on, was barely there. He was laying on something soft and was encased in a comfortable warmth, his whole body floating on a warm cloud. He wiggled his fingers and found them responding as they should. Then he tried to stretch his legs and feet and a searing hot agony tore through his whole body as he stretched his right leg and he hissed in discomfort.
“Wei Ying, be still,” a concerned voice said beside him, a voice as familiar as his own. Wei Wuxian forced his eyes open and was greeted with Lan Zhan at his bedside who looked tired, with dark rings under his eyes but nevertheless beautiful as always. He wordlessly handed Wei Wuxian a cup of water and helped him drink, before carefully setting the cup back down again.
“How do you feel?” he asked with that tiny frown between his eyebrows.
“I am good.” He forced a smile and scrambled to the edge of the bed, trying to hide his wince as his ankle protested at the movement.
“Wei Ying, be still,” Lan Zhan said as he pushed him back down again, “I think we should talk again,” Lan Zhan said.
Wei Wuxian’s fake smile froze on his lips. It was obvious that he was in the Cloud Recess infirmary and not in Caiyi, like he had planned. But Lan Zhan had brought him back that much was obvious, and he looked also concerned and slightly nervous. However, he also knew that he had a habit of misinterpreting a lot of things. What if Lan Zhan was now trying to throw him out again. But no, that didn’t make any sense. Did it? Why would he have cared to bring him back here then. Maybe he was –
“I spoke with brother, and he said that I might have been unclear with my words.” Lan Zhan’s intense gaze pierced right through to his soul. And then Lan Zhan reached out and grabbed Wei Wuxian’s hands and his gaze became soft. Wei Wuxian’s heart traitorously began to fill with hope again.
“Wei Ying, I don’t know how to tell you this. But I –“ Lan Zhan looked away, like he was trying to find the right words and failing miserably. Wei Wuxian grew more confused by the second.
“I am better with actions,” he said determined before he leaned forward and kissed Wei Wuxian softly on the lips. An electric jolt passed between them. Wei Wuxian’s heart was soaring, a slow smile spreading on his lips, mirrored on Lan Zhan as well.
“Does that mean you don’t want me to go, Lan-er-gege?” he smirked.
“I never wanted you to go,” Lan Zhan replied seriously.
“Then why were you behaving so differently?”
Lan Zhan paused for a second. “I was afraid that you would reject me.”
Wei Wuxian shook his head in confusion. Silly Lan Zhan. As if Wei Wuxian was physically and mentally capable of rejecting anything that Lan Zhan wanted from him. He would give him the world if Lan Zhan just asked for it. He would give him anything that stood in his power and even far more than that. He looked back at Lan Zhan whose gaze was again fiercely prying into Wei Wuxian’s soul.
“I wanted to ask you to marry me.”
Lan Wangji, Lan Zhan, the great Hanguang-Jun wanted to marry him? Him? Who had nothing to his name but scorn and disgust from other people. Lan Zhan couldn’t really mean it, could he? But then Lan Zhan had told him that he regretted not staying by his side at Nightless City and then stood with him against the Jin cultivators, he protected him against Fairy and then at the temple he never left his side, always standing right next to him and now the kiss. Slowly, a smile started to spread on Wei Wuxian’s face. Lan Zhan loved him. There was no other explanation for it.
“Yes!”
And for the first time in Wei Wuxian’s life, he saw his own smile mirrored in that of Lan Zhan, a smile as bright as the sun itself.