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I stare at the old, stained mirror at the reflection that’s always stared back at me. All of the blonde in my hair is gone now, but my hair isn’t as long as it was before; I’m not sure it ever will be.
I’ve got dark circles under my eyes from all of the nights I couldn’t get any sleep. All the nightmares I’ve had that’ve left me trembling under Sodapop’s arm, unable to go back to sleep.
I’ve never been able to gain back the weight I lost in Windrixville, no matter how much or how often I eat. It really bugs me, since I used to have a pretty good build. It makes me look even smaller than I looked before, even if Windrixville was a lifetime ago. I wish I were taller.
I wish I could be as tall as Darry. He’s real tall; the tallest person I know. He was almost taller than Dad before he and Mom died. Being that tall makes people respect him, and maybe fear him, too. It’s real intimidating, especially when he’s hacked off at you. It’s like he towers over you. He’s tall and strong, just like Superman, except Darry doesn’t have a kryptonite equivalent. There’s nothing stopping my big brother when it comes to anything physical. He can lift two bundles of roofing up the ladder at work, be as sore as can be, then show up to work the very next day and do it all over again.
I was never as tall as Darry. He’s always been so much taller than me, even when we were both little.
Sometimes I wonder if I were a bit taller, would the Socs leave me alone? Would I scare them off, being tall?
I frown, and my reflection frowns back at me. Why can’t I always be smiling like Sodapop?
I wish I could look half as handsome as Sodapop looks. He never seems to notice how people stop to watch him go by. He sort of strides when he walks, making him look confident, like someone you’d want to follow into battle. Soda’s got a smile that brightens up the whole room. When he smiles, you just have to smile too. His hair is long and golden and real shiny when he greases it back. It brings out his brown eyes that are always sparkling with that recklessness, carefree look in them.
Soda ain’t just pretty on the outside, though. He’s the kindest, most gentle person I know. He’s always putting everyone else’s needs before his own, and he’s always there to soften the blow for Darry and I. He’s always giving Darry back-rubs when he pulls muscles in his back, and even dropped out of school just to help Darry out with paying the bills. He started sleeping with me after Mom and Dad’s funeral so he could help calm me down when I have nightmares, and gets me to stop worrying and overthinking when he can tell I’m worked up about something. Soda hates when Darry and I are on the outs with each other, but he doesn’t hold grudges against me or Darry. He never gets angry at us, he just keeps giving us chances to do better. You can always tell what Sodapop’s feeling, and he can always tell what you’re feeling, too. He’ll help you out with whatever problems you’re facing, and he’ll do it again and again, a thousand times over if he knew it would help you out.
I don’t think I’m like Soda much at all. He’s got a brilliant smile that can brighten up even the darkest of places. I hardly ever smile anymore, ever since I ran away with Johnny and wound up in Windrixville. Soda’s eyes are bright and carefree and reckless, and the eyes that stare back at me in the mirror are dull and troubled. Soda’s tall and slim and all of his features are finely drawn and precise; perfect. Perfect like everything else about him. I’m anything but perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever been perfect, not even before Windrixville.
It bothers me a whole lot, looking at my brothers and how amazing they are, and how everyone respects the both of them. Then I look at myself. No one respects me like they respect Darry and Soda, and I just don’t know what I have to do to change that.
“Ponyboy, supper!” I hear Darry call from the kitchen. I grimace at myself in the mirror once before turning around to head into the kitchen for supper.
I sit down in my usual chair, but I don’t start eating. I rest my head on my hand as I scrape my fork across the different sections of my plate.
Soda drops his fork on the table, scoots his chair closer to mine, and drapes his arm around my shoulder.
“What’s the matter, Pony? Is somethin’ wrong?” he asks. I look at him. His eyes are still sparkling, but they’re filled with concern. His eyebrows are knitted together, and he’s frowning slightly, but he’s not angry. He’s never angry.
I shake my head and stare at the uneaten food on my plate, anything to avoid Soda’s gaze.
“Hey, it’s okay, kiddo. You can tell me anything, and I know you know that.”
I look over to Darry, who looks almost as concerned as Soda, but averts his gaze to tell me he’s not listening. I know he is, though.
“It’s nothin’. Really, Soda. I’m just feelin’ a bit down today. It ain’t nothin’, promise.” I look at him to try and get him to believe me, but I know he doesn’t. He shakes his head.
“I know you better than that, Pony. I’m your big brother for Pete’s sake! Now tell me what’s got you upset.”
“If you know me so well, why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” I tease, but he takes me seriously. He studies me for a good few minutes, completely focused.
Then, suddenly, Sodapop hugs me tightly and says lowly, “I love you. You’re the best little brother anyone could ever ask for.” He nods. “The perfect kid brother for me ‘n Darry. What do you think, Dar? You think so?”
Darry grins. He gets out of his chair and kneels beside me on the side Soda isn’t sitting on. He gives me a quizzical look before smiling at me and messing up my hair.
“Well, Soda, I think we got ourselves a pretty okay kid.” He ruffles my hair one more time before getting up. “Y’know, are you two even in the mood for this?” He gestures to the dinner on the table. “‘Cause I can just save this all for tomorrow night, and we can go to Dairy Queen and grab a bite there. What do you two say?”
Soda and I look at each other, then back at Darry. It wasn’t often that he offered to take us out for dinner.
“Uh, yeah!” Soda says suddenly. “I’ll let you get your wallet. Me ‘n Pony’ll wait in the truck for you!”
“You’d better wipe that look off your face or you’ll be the one payin’. And I think it’s close enough that we can walk there. So don’t forget your shoes!”
Soda rolls his eyes but smiles as he pulls his shoes on, playfully glaring at Darry the entire time.
The Dairy Queen next to our house is real close. I walk in the middle of Soda and Darry, lagging behind them. Darry looks to his side and behind him in one motion. He stops, and I almost walk into him. I look at him curiously. He bends down slightly, and I finally realize what he’s doing. I shake my head, grinning, as I climb onto his back, my arms around his neck loosely. He stands up straight, arms around my legs so I don’t fall off. I feel tall. Really tall. I’m taller than Sodapop like this, and I allow myself to smile. I look down, and both of my brothers are smiling too. There’s a mellow breeze, and the sun is in the middle of setting. When I’m tall, I feel like I can almost reach the sun. I stare as the sun subtly moves downward into the horizon, individual strands of my hair blowing rhythmically with the gentle breeze.
It’s times like these that I realize I may not be perfect, and the brothers I’m constantly covetous of are the same brothers I can always rely on to make me feel special just the way I am.