Chapter Text
The tennis court was covered up with some tent-like thing
Rey Skywalker was not completely sure who she was. The only thing she knew about herself and where she came from she learned in a big scary cave that was now being investigated by strangers. A man in all black had told her that he was her grandfather. And still, she was nowhere near understanding who she really was. Rey had thought for a while that Ben understood her and maybe he knew who she was.
But now he was dead and the last thing he did was kiss her. And quite honestly Rey was out of her depths trying to figure out how she felt about it. All she knew was that it was important. It had been her first kiss. When she was younger, Rey used to daydream about what her first kiss would be like. She imagined it would happen at the right time and in the right way. But now Rey found herself having recurring nightmares about it. Ben would kiss her and she’d feel him disintegrate in her arms. She’d find herself holding a skeleton. Palpatine would then throw her onto his thrown and put a crown on her like it was a shock collar. In these nightmares, her friends couldn’t save her.
And she couldn’t save them
Over
And over
And over again
Ben’s body was still in the big scary cave.
Alone
It made Rey imagine that he was just a little kid alone in there with Palpatine’s corpse, with its terrifying wires. That cave was the only thing she had left of her family. The only thing she had left to understand who she was. It was there with the dead boy who was the only person to ever kiss her. To see her in that way.
She shouldn’t care that he was dead. She should hate him. He killed Han, broke Luke, and shattered Leia. But still, he was alone in that big scary cave with Palpatine’s corpse, with its terrifying wires.
Rey sat in her room in the apartment she lived in by herself, trying to meditate and failing. She used to be so good at this and now-
A voice emerged from Rey’s room, “You shouldn’t go.”
Master Luke
“But I want to I need to.” Rey tried to explain.
“Your feelings will get in the way, it’s dangerous.”
Rey turned around and saw Luke sitting in one of her chairs, his beard just as messy as when she first met him. He was blue but she could still see every detail she knew about him. The biggest one was that he was worried about her.
“I need to know who I am,” Rey said softly but sure.
“I know that feeling more than you know Rey but going there again when all of this is still so fresh for you, it will only hurt if you go,” Luke told her he tried to look her in the eyes, but Rey wouldn’t let him.
“I wish Ben was right, I wish I had come from nothing,” Rey said in a whisper, trying her best for her voice not to break. She wasn't even sure if she wanted Luke to hear it.
“Rey I know that it’s hard but you have to realize you aren’t Palpatine,” Luke said getting up from his chair to walk closer to her. “Your family is something that you get to choose.”
Rey looked up at him, there were tears bottling up in her eyes but when she searched for Luke, for guidance, he was gone. So she sat on her apartment floor and cried.
***
Rey knew better than to see what the holonet was saying about her. But it was hard not to when it was always right there. And the people of the galaxy sure did have plenty of things to say.
Is Rey a secret child of Luke Skywalker?
Rey and Kylo Ren were having an affair
Rey is dangerous
Rey is not the person we think she is
Rey is avoiding her friends
I worked with Rey in the resistance and she’s a monster
I knew Rey when she lived on Jakku and she was crazy
At least none of them guessed the truth about where she actually came from. At least no one else knew except for-
Rey’s Datapad beeped
Dinner at Finn and Poe’s.
Kriff
Rey put her hair into a bun with one hand and ran to open the door with another.
***
Poe and Finn had moved in together after the war. It had taken them about a month to actually confess how they felt about each other but regardless they were happy. And most of the time being happy was enough in the galaxy. Poe Dameron and Finn had plenty of that to go around. It was obvious to anyone around them that they were soulmates.
After the war, they had all decided that they’d make a commitment to see each other at least once a week, no matter how busy life got. And so far that was going incredibly well. It was something that Rey looked forward to. Right now, she was not looking forward to it. Rey knew that as soon as Finn saw her he’d know she was having a hard time. And she did not want to burden him with that.
But regardless, Rey knocked on the door. Poe answered it and the front door slid open. “Hey, Rey!” he said, his hair was in disarray, and his Kiss the Pilot apron looked like it had been burned on the ends. It made Rey laugh, “Are you alright?” she asked.
Finn ran to the door with oven mitts on his hands that were also burnt, “Sorry about the mess Rey.” he said. “I tried to make dinner but they don’t really teach you that in stormtrooper programs so it sorta went…” Finn imitated an exploding motion with his hands.
“Hey, at least you tried,” Poe said and he looked at Finn with an amused half-smile. “Why don’t we just order take out.”
“That works for me,” Rey replied stepping into the house. She put her jacket on a coat rack. And wasn't it lovely she could do something so domestic as that with her friends.
“What are you feeling? Nabooish food or Lothalian food?” Poe asked leading the way to the living room.
“Nabboish sounds good.” Rey thought aloud.
“Seconded,” Finn replied.
***
Rey, Finn, and Poe sat in the living room eating Nabboish stirfry and it didn’t take a Jedi to tell that this was not like their normal dinners. Usually, dinners at Poe and Finn’s house were loud and they were fun and they were funny. But Rey hardly said anything.
“I saw that they are going through the cave. I know that must be hard for you,” Finn said into the conversation and took a sip of his drink. Is that why you’re being so quiet and distant? Went unspoken.
“I heard that too,” Rey said trying to pass it off as if she didn’t care that much about all of this. She should have known that she was not going to win that battle.
“It’s ok if this is hard for you Rey. I can only imagine.” Finn continued with a reassuring smile but it seemed like he was trying hard to make it.
“I’m doing alright,” Rey reassured. “I’m alive.”
“Rey,” Poe said, and the way he said it showed it was out of concern, empathy, maybe even love. But to Rey at that moment in time, it made her feel like a
Burden
A big and cold boulder in the perfect and happy lives of people who deserved to have no more obstacles to their happiness.
“Have you talked to anyone besides us since last year,” Poe asked.
Should I tell them I talk to Luke sometimes? Rey wondered. Would they even believe me? She settled on telling them what was the truth excluding the ghosts. “No.”
Finn and Poe looked at each other like they did when she had told them what she found out in the cave. And once again Rey couldn’t help but get the feeling that she was
A big and cold boulder in the perfect and happy lives of people who deserved to have no more obstacles to their happiness. And now she was rolling towards them, she hated it.
“We’re having a small get-together this weekend if you’re free,” Poe told her. “Rose will be there, you know her right?”
“I do,” Rey said but she didn’t want to go to this party and she didn’t want to infect more people with her baggage. She had monster’s blood. Rey had met Rose Tico once before she had gone to find the Way Finder. Someone like her did not deserve to be a victim of what Rey really was. She wouldn’t let anyone else be. “I’ll think about it.” Rey finally said. She got up from the couch and headed towards the door without saying a word. When she got to the door she turned to her friends, “Thanks for having me.”
“Rey, I’m always here for you no matter what, you know that right?” Finn asked with extraordinary gentleness.
That was the problem.
“Of course I do Finn,” Rey replied softly and she closed the door.
***
Rey liked to look out her window when the sunset. The colors reminded her of Jakku. Some people may have thought it was odd to want to remember any of her time there. But sand reminded her of a time before the color red and before The Dark Side. And things were so much less complicated back then.
Maybe she would go to Finn and Poe’s party if only to pretend she was just Rey with strangers. Although she worried that she was any longer a stranger to anyone.