Work Text:
3rd Person's P.O.V:
The hurt in his voice, happiness in his eyes, and the twisted sour smile reign over his face. The plot thickens, and as each word drips like venom, it slithers through his mind and distorts the picture.
Its lasting effect is more deadly than the actions themselves. Even a touch of sugar can’t smooth the bitter flow of their impending end. Each truth becomes a dagger in their souls. What may come could just be the tragic end of beautiful deceit… it was captivating, the way they could escape from their crime, but the aftermath is when they would dwell on their guilt once the high passed.
Living with a troubling mind is a trivial matter, we must shut our eyes to the acts. Being a part of the illusion is more difficult to turn a blind eye to. It is easier to believe that everyone is just as fucked up like the rest. It makes it easier to sleep. They hold on to the hope that never existed. It was a Havana of an illusion, yet the cruel joke was that they believed that there was something more to it all, that they could still keep playing this game without the casualties.
Just when things become a flowery road, they realize that the filter that covered the decay and ashes of their golden life was only a play. When the vines of madness tangle around its victim’s throats, slowly draining them of their sanity. They knew there was no way back from their actions. It was a double edge blade. How screwed up were their tangled paths becoming one so easily they could not distinguish their truths and lies? It is gray and nothing could survive the explosion. As they live with the uncertainty of the next?
They will never be the same. Even time can never heal untreated wounds, even the self-infliction is too bloody to handle. The salt that was rubbed still burns through their blemished memories. They were happy once, summers ago, and they could laugh without feeling the emptiness. There is a burden of lies that can never forgive. Time is running out, and the truth is close by. It was slowly killing them before anyone could know the actual story.
They conclude the monsters that they have created in each other, and how they could not meet eyes when a simple I love you are trapped in their throats. The grim truth is the beast never gets his ending, not with all the blood on his hand. It was too good to be true.
This is just the start of the never-ending game of cats and dogs forever stuck in this chase. Looking up at the crescent moon in the dark is pointless. What happens to their promise of forever? When did everything become spoiled? How selfish could one everlasting promise become so limited?
- ●●
Broken frames and messy sheets. Their room had become a battlefield, their pristine life was falling apart, and neither of them had the strength to wave the white flag. They couldn't put down their dagger-like tongues.
Mark knew that Jaemin wasn’t prince charming, neither was he, nor did he ask for one. He accepted the pinknette for everything he is and everything he isn’t. His only goal is just wanting to make the younger man happy.
Jaemin knew his flaws. He is a liar and a pretender, and he knew Mark was smarter than what people gave him credit for, but everyone is just a fool of the raven man’s act. He also knew that he wasn’t the one for the man standing in front of him… but he was selfish and couldn’t let anyone have what was his, nor did he enjoy the thought of it.
He loves Mark in his twisted way. To him, it is love, regardless of how it came to fruition or end. They both had a goal, but the younger knew better than to allow his feelings to blind his judgment. He is a cynic, down to his core. Love is for the losing party. When there isn't trust, there isn't love. Neither of them had a firm foundation, to begin with, rooted in hatred and adolescent rebellion, they both had an ulterior motive behind those honeysuckle lips. Or so that is what he tries to convince himself before he gets into bed?
Truth is, he didn’t know how to love.
It was hard for him to love someone besides himself, but Mark made it easy on him to “love” but someone like Jaemin could never love it was never in his nature to be so caring. Not with a heart so broken and torn, it doesn’t even resemble one anymore, and the man never bothered with it. He continued with the show. Growing up in a home without love is only thought of as a tool, an opportunity to take advantage of your opponent. His mother and father taught him it is better to be feared and hated.
As for Mark, he is a kind soul that falls in love too quickly. However, he loves with his whole being and his younger counterpart is his everything. It’s stupid, but he truly felt that way for the younger man. He would have Jaemin at any cost, even if he had to guilt trip or put on a front to make the other stay. He knew what it was like to be alone before Jaemin came into his dark world and wasn’t ready to go back into the shadows.
He truly believes he loves Jaemin... it hurts him so much, it didn’t matter how he got his addiction. He didn’t want to lose the young lover or drive him away, so he will do anything for the pink-haired beauty even denying the facts of their reality; the slippery slope of their ending. He would idly turn a blind eye... all for the sake of not wanting to be alone.
Jaemin knew that what he was doing to Mark was cruel. It was obvious and intentional, but he just didn’t know how to give his heart so easily away. It was never in his being to give without wanting in return. Love meant nothing, but the older man made love seem like a rose color gold filter. It is beautiful and shiny but he knew the truth, how ugly it can be when both parties can not bend or compromise. How something so innocent and beautiful can die and wither away just as quickly as they nurtured it… his parents did not build him to be soft.
He wasn’t the only guilty party, and he refused to take the blame for their sick ways. To be so cunning and shameless, they are both charged with a victimless crime. The older man wasn’t stupid. It did not blind him to his one-sided love to see the cracks in their foundation, and he will keep walking down that rocky path for the younger man.
He will shut his ears and close his eyes to Jaemin’s lies and deception, when you have lived your life feeling like you will never be enough… it was easy to live with the ache but Jaemin sedated the pain and misery and so he pretended the younger is a clean-cut man.
The truth hurts more than the lies, so even tho Mark knew the truth, he just couldn’t handle it. He will believe the sweet lies, the sweetest in the world, cuz he is just as crass and selfish. He could allow no one to take his spot, even if it was meaningless. It is what it is and both of them were willing participants in the bed they have made and now they must rot in it.
The older believed being human is a condition that requires a little anesthesia... so he continues to medicate himself with a warped reality. He stretched the truth to minimize the bitter thoughts, but in this life; it is a must to survive the cruelty of it all. He needed to become just as cold and cruel to keep up with the other man; he will become a bad guy for his own benefit. It didn’t matter who ends up hurt. He let go of his pathetic past all for a shining future.
“Even if it’s a lie if I can have you by my side... by doing this... I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.” Jaemin spoke as the silence consumed their bedroom.
Too stubborn and prideful to give up. The man needed the older just as much as the raven-haired needed him. Jaemin had found someone that sees him and still accepted him. He could not give up the only thing that was consistent in his life. He lived with such instability. It unnerved him just how much Mark had a hold. Even if it isn’t love for Jaemin, he needed the warmth he lacked as a child.
He knew he could never return the time mark wasted on him, he still wanted someone to be there by his side and share in his loneliness, he was just as messy and lost as he was in his youth. However, he could never truly give himself away, he could love no one when he did not love himself either. This is not some self-proclaim of self-love or becoming a better person. He knew he could never change. He knows who he is and he will always let down those close to him.
“I can’t keep pretending but I have enough respect for you to hide all of my bullshit cuz I knew you needed me more...” Jaemin could not tell the difference anymore if this was a ruse or if he was honest. All he knew was that he could not give up his addiction, either. Mark numbed the ugly parts of himself… he dwelled in his guilt, but he knew the man would hold him when it was all over.
“I was never a good person, but you brought out the better parts of me and for that, I am grateful that even someone as good as you could still stand the sight of me.” he knew he had no good left to give or how to be a lover and in his way, to the best of his abilities he loves the older male, it was not perfect but nothing ever is.
“My best trait is letting people down. If I am consistent in anything, it is being unreliable… no matter how much I try to sugarcoat the lies, it will never fix the damage I have caused.” He knew that this was their ending, but he wanted one more night.
Mark knew the weight of the truth, he knew what he has done and what he has to do… Jaemin nor Mark have been blind to one another in their vicious games, but the things people do for love outweigh the rationality.
They both were stuck in their own need for validation, their trauma had found a home in one another’s brokenness, they bonded in their similarities of youth and hardship, fearing that no one could stand their cramped walls and hideous scars… they had decided that this is better than nothing at all.
“I need you. It doesn’t matter what you have done or who you found lust in… I just need you, Jaemin-ah! We agreed and I am not gonna let four years go out the window just cuz you couldn’t keep it together. I can forgive and forget, but please don’t go.” Mark wanted to hurt the younger man the way he hurt him.
“Remember, we made a promise. I cannot go back into the dark Jaemin… I had no one but you and you have no one but me.” he didn’t care, the damage is done.
“I have turned a blind eye to all you have done and still do. Have I not been good enough for you?” The tears flow down his face as he tries not to lash out and say something he could not return from.
“Mark...” he felt responsible for all the pain and hurt he had caused his hyung. He never meant for him to be hurt and dejected.
“I love you, Jaemin, and I know you never could love me back. I will look past it.” Jaemin's heart broke at his confession cuz it is true, it is all true, but he would like to believe that the man’s statement is not completely the entire story that he has tried.
“I love you hyung don’t doubt it please,” He grabs the older hand and gently rests it on his own heart.
“You have always been enough, but I cannot keep this up and I love you enough to spare you from the tragedy I have inflicted. "Jaemin means every word. He was growing tired, and he wondered if the older would ever let him go?
He knew if he didn’t end it now, then he will always rely on Mark to pick up the pieces and Jaemin will always resent himself for not giving the man a fighting chance at finding better. He just could never be what the older needed him to be. He is made up of a stone heart and meaningless affection, and he did not know how to give up the ghost that haunts him.
He will never change. He only kept taking till he left someone just as worthless. No amount of sweet lies, he told himself, and Mark could save them now.
“Let me be selfless for once please Mark!” After all the hurt feelings, lies, heartbreak, sorrow betrayal, and possessive behavior, so much has happened between the two lovers who could never undo the trauma and trust issues.
Both males knew how to bring an angel and demon out of each other. They had both made mistakes and caused so much pain and heartbreak that this was something they could no longer run from.
“Please Jaemin!” his voice cracked as he begged for Jaemin to stay.
Jaemin’s heartfelt heavier with each silent plea, he could not bear how broken and hurt Mark looked and sounded. It is his fault, but he tried to avoid the responsibility, yet he still could not refuses to shoulder all the blame.
He sat next to the older male on the bed and allowed him to weep and hurt, but he could not shed a tear. He never allowed himself to be weak, it just wasn’t in his blood.
He did not mean for this to go on as long as it did, it just happened and he had no one else to blame but himself for being too comfortable… he wanted to feel normal and Mark gave him that.
He placed gentle kisses on Mark’s temple and his shoulder blades, hoping to soothe the man’s cries.
“I love you Jaemin, even if you don’t mean it I just want to hear it,” Sweet lies are all the raven-haired man wanted.
Jaemin is just as afraid, even more of being alone. He knows what it is like to feel rejected and unwanted and a part of him just wanted to fall back into the habit.
Maybe things could be different? He did not take long to think about the action, he just did it…
“I love you Mark-hyung.” He mustered up the confidence in him to say it.
He pulled the man closer to his chest and he love the warmth and comfort that Mark gave him.
“Thank you nana” Mark pulled the younger man into a gentle kiss.
Jaemin kissed back, and this one didn’t feel all the other kisses they shared. No lustful or selfish wants lingered in his mouth like they usually do. No, this one. It felt raw and regretful and Jaemin tried to give Mark a bit of love and affection back through the kiss.
They both fell asleep in each other’s arms that day. Maybe things could be different, maybe there is hope for them after all said and done… deep down, both of them knew they were stuck in this cycle and neither one will leave the comfort.
Their love is unorthodox and broken beyond repair, yet they tried to ignore the cracks and leaks in their house of cards, they wanted to keep on going down the rabbit hole cuz they felt just as useless alone, the fear of uncertainty kept them a hostage and agreeable.
They both have given up too much just to quit now… maybe things could be different?
-The End