Chapter Text
Regulus' parents always liked him more than his brother. He was quiet and sweet. He did as he was told.
Honestly, his life would've been bearable if it weren't for Sirius Black. Regulus' mother adored him growing up. She insisted on having weekly 'girls' days where she would take him to Diagon Alley and buy him everything he asked for.
Don't be fooled, Walburga Black was an awful woman, but for whatever reason she really had loved Regulus.
She'd known of Regulus' distaste for the men in their circle but she would always remind him that all she needed from him was a marriage to someone of 'good breeding' and then his job was done, followed quickly by a whisper that what she doesn't know won't hurt and a wink. Affairs were, after all, very common among purebloods.
The problem then, has always been Sirius. As long as Regulus could remember he had adored his older brother. Sirius slept in Regulus' room every single night, scaring away all of Regulus' monsters. He was always so brave. Regulus watched him stand up to their father in ways he couldn't dream of. He watched Sirius fall down with a tired smile day and night so that their father didn't have time to hurt Regulus.
He admired everything about Sirius, the way he never failed to try and lighten the mood even when his eyes were bloodshot and he could barely stay awake. The way he was always there, standing a few steps in front of Regulus, taking the blows. The way he refused to go to Hogwarts for months after getting his letter because he didn't want to leave Regulus alone in that house. The way he crawled back into Regulus' bed even after his first year at Hogwarts when he had new friends that Regulus had called blood traitors at dinner because their father was watching.
Jealousy was not something Regulus felt towards his brother until he was ten. Until Sirius started growing taller than him. When his voice started getting deeper and Regulus' stayed squeaky. When his jaw got harder and little hairs started to appear on it. When he came home from the park one day bragging about his new girlfriend. When Regulus realised that these things weren't going to happen to him. That one day soon his chest would grow and his hips would get bigger and he would stop looking like his brother altogether.
Now, even more than ever Regulus struggles to look at Sirius and not feel envy burning through his entire being. Sirius looks like a man. Sirius looks the way nine year old Regulus thought he would look at seventeen. Instead, when Regulus looks at himself in the cracked mirror of the Hogwarts Express, he sees a witch.
His Black genes had been a blessing in disguise. He has a naturally sharp jawline and androgynous facial features but there is undeniably still something feminine about his face that he can't quite put his finger on. The long dark mass of hair rolling down his back doesn't help his case. He had attempted to cut it off once. His mother grew it straight back and cursed it there, to this day he couldn't even cut bangs with a pair of muggle scissors, the curse was so strong.
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1st September 1977
The train rattled as it moved through the Scottish countryside and Regulus' prefect badge glistened in the late summer sun. He had pretended to be annoyed about the badge when it arrived just before his fifth year. That he couldn't care less about it but really; really he was ecstatic. His mother was proud. She'd hugged him when she found it. She hadn't hugged him since Sirius ran away or, since she found out Regulus was queer, he wasn't really sure which had driven her away. It was strange really, how she'd reacted to that. He didn't tell her. Of course he would never tell her. She'd found him snogging the daughter of someone in one of Orion's meetings last Christmas. She wasn't angry. She didn't hit him like he'd seen her do to Sirius for much littler things. She'd said as long as he still marries accordingly, and never makes it public knowledge, he could do what he wants. Not exactly the loving and accepting reaction you would hope for but from Wulburga Black this was like a dream come true.
Although Sirius tried to hide it, he too had always been jealous of Regulus. Of how much their mother cared about him. He could never understand why she was so hard on him but so relaxed about Regulus. Whatever her reason, he began to hate him for it. Regulus sometimes wonders if Sirius' friends know that he’s had them chasing his brother around the school for five years just because he doesn't get his share of mummy's love. He doubts it.
He just hopes they lay off this year. He can't be done with their painfully boring pranks, which are more often than not targeted at him. Regulus has had his most difficult summer yet with the war growing closer by the day. His father had offered their home to Voldemort in June and life had gone from bad to worse significantly in the last few months. Regulus had been counting the days until his return to Hogwarts.
The whole Wizarding World knows now that the Black family are The Dark Lord's number one supporters. Orion made sure of that. In fact, he didn't want Regulus to return to school at all this year. He said that Regulus needs to swear his true allegiance to Voldemort. Thankfully, his mother argued that it would be good for Regulus to spread the word from inside Hogwarts, suggesting that he could even create a new generation of death eaters. Not bloody likely. But his mother always wins arguments.
Regulus' name has always made him a Slytherin house celebrity, whether he wanted it or not. Girls in green follow him everywhere he goes. They don't seem to care that he isn't interested in boys or gossip, or that he hasn't so much as said a word to them in the five years they have gone to school together. All these girls care about is association. He doesn't know if it's an association to him, to his family, or if it has always been to Voldemort himself. Whatever it is, they seem to think chasing Regulus around will get them front row seats to success.
Regulus' biggest fan however, is Barty Crouch Jr. Barty decided that he was going to marry Regulus during the sorting ceremony. Last year, out of pure desperation, Regulus told him he was a lesbian. He said that they’d end up together anyway. Despite this, Barty is one of the few people at Hogwarts whose presence doesn't immediately piss him off.
Speak of the devil, as Regulus exits the bathroom, Barty is leaning awkwardly against the wall with a cheesy smile intent on ruining Regulus' day. He is about 6 inches shorter than Regulus and Merlin does he make sure he remembers it.
'Alright Barty? You've grown?'
Barty grimaced, sitting down opposite Regulus.
'Funny.'
'No I'm sure you're taller.' He just stares until Regulus changes the subject.
'Where's your little girlfriend?'
Barty's back straightened at the question.
'I broke up with her.' He glanced around and lowered his voice.
'Can't really have a girlfriend and a wife can I?'
His girlfriend came as a shock last year, the man had never shown any interest in women - expect Regulus. A wife was just physically impossible to believe. It wasn't uncommon for pureblood kids to get married while still at school but Regulus hadn't expected it from Barty. Who would want to marry this guy?
'No way. Who's the lucky lady?'
Barty just stared down at his feet and laughed uncomfortably.
'Don't tell me it's an arranged marriage? Merlin, not your cousin, Astrea? She's such a bitch.'
He doesn't look up.
'Hey, I'll probably be arranged the minute I'm of age, there's no need to be ashamed.'
He took a deep breath and finally tore his gaze away from his shoes.
'You really don't know, do you?'
'Fuck.' He put his head in his hands, his eyes peaking out at Regulus.
'Look, I can't tell you, you'll slaughter me.'
His knee has started to bob up and down.
'This doesn't look good for me, but I promise I didn't suggest it. I didn't even agree to it. I told them it was totally unfair.'
'Barty, who the fuck are you marrying?'
He sat up, eyeing Regulus suspiciously before muttering something so quietly that even a hearing amplification charm wouldn't have heard him.
'Alright fine. Don't tell me.'
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Regulus is going to kill Barty Crouch Jr. He is going to kill his mother for letting it happen. When she said he could have all the fun he wanted until he had to settle down with a man, he thought he'd at least be free until he was of age.
He sent her an angry letter that she didn't bother replying to.
He sent her a few more.
Then he tried a howler.
Nothing.
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It's been a week and already Regulus has been the target of two of the Marauder's pranks this year. One of which takes him to the hospital wing with a much rounder and redder nose than usual.
Which is funny you see... because he's a clown.
Not that he minds all that much because Madame Pomfrey doesn’t allow visitors on Sundays, so it is blissfully quiet.
The only other person in here is Lupin, his brother's friend, fast asleep in the bed in the corner.
That boy despises Regulus. More than Potter, maybe more than Sirius himself. It's clear that Sirius had been telling them all bedtime stories about his little sibling, Voldemort's best buddy.
‘Hello deary.'
Pomfrey, unlike most professors, isn't blinded by house colours. She treats Regulus as she would do any pupil.
Or maybe it's just because Regulus has been in the hospital wing a lot in his time at Hogwarts due to his older brother and she has guided him through more panic attacks than he would like to admit.
‘You're all sorted to leave when you're ready. Do try to avoid that brother of yours, he seems to think you're the perfect target for his new jinxes.'
‘He'll be out for more than a few harmless pranks once he finds out what happened over the summer.'
‘Oh yes dear, I overheard some students gossiping in the corridor. I'm so sorry your family has such a tight grip on you.'
‘Mother was fine until all this war stuff started but now she's got Voldemort watching her every move. I think- Well I hope that's why she did it.'
'Let's not say that name in here. It's not nice.'
Marrying Barty. Sixteen years old and Regulus will be raising Barty's ugly children before he's even had the chance to live.
'We are to be married at Christmas professor, I-'
Lupin groaned from his corner and sat up, wincing slightly. He stretched, somehow already glaring at Regulus before he'd even opened his eyes.
'You lucky thing. A Christmas wedding! I wonder, will the confetti be shaped like snowflakes? And bouquets of pretty green and white flowers?'
Poppy tutted and shook her finger at him. 'Now Lupin, don't be cruel.'
Regulus stormed out of the hospital wing only to walk right into the one person he didn't want to see so soon after his face had been fixed, presumably on his way to visit his own personal god, Remus Lupin.
Sirius and his friends seem to be able to break the no visitors on a Sunday rule. Thank Merlin Regulus had been discharged before they arrived.
The collision causes the book under Regulus' arm to fall to the floor and he has to kneel down to pick it up.
Sirius doesn't look angry this time.
The first time Regulus had seen him after the news of his engagement Sirius had been livid, banging on and on about how much Regulus had changed. Hence, the clown.
Now he just looks disappointed. Regulus doesn't know which is worse.
'Well, well Sirius!' Potter laughed rounding the corner with Pettigrew. Regulus curses himself for not watching where he was going. James Potter is a nightmare. 'What shall we give Reggie this time?' He laughed again. 'A white dress?'
Sirius grinned down at him and held out his hand.
Regulus picked up his book and stood himself, batting away Sirius' hand. Unbothered, he put it back in his pocket and rocked on the balls of his feet, smirking at Regulus.
'Oi Reg, why do you wear gloves now? Is it part of the death eater dress code?'
Regulus turned and headed in the other direction giving him the finger as he walked away.
But he can't help the smile forming on his face as he rounds the corner.
Regulus' birth name is girly and he's always hated it. Sirius asked him once what he wished he was called instead.
They were learning about constellations at the time, so he chose his favourite one, Regulus. And so Reg became his name. Sirius even made sure his friends used it.
Sirius hates him, Regulus knows he does. But, he still called him Reg after everything and he will love him forever for that.
Regulus had been so angry at Sirius when he left that he tried to destroy all of the belongings he left behind. Of course, Sirius had used permanent sticking charms on just about everything so the result was wildly unsatisfying. He ended up just exhausting himself and falling asleep in Sirius' bed.
He slept there every night for the rest of the summer.
He did however gain one thing from Sirius' room. One of the muggle posters on Sirius' wall was for a band. He must've charmed it to stay up to date because there were dates for a tour that had yet to happen and Sirius had left two years ago. Against all of Regulus' better judgement, he decided to go.
The gig was at a grimy little bar in Camden, filled with all sorts of people Regulus' mother would've had a heart attack just looking at. He spoke to one woman with pink hair and quickly learned that it was a gay bar.
As expected, he did not enjoy the music but he loved the atmosphere. The pink haired woman, Jackie, introduced him to her friends, one of whom really caught Regulus' attention. Josh.
Josh had messy brown hair and a lot of piercings, piercings in places Regulus didn't know were even possible. He had a fag tucked behind his ear and drumsticks sticking out of his back pocket. The collar of his leather jacket had a small badge with pink and blue stripes on it, and when Regulus asked what it meant, he told him he was trans.
Regulus didn't get the chance to speak to Josh after that though, as he very suddenly rushed off because he was in the band about to appear on stage. Regulus was left slightly bewildered, watching Josh's head disappear into the crowd.
Jackie bought Regulus a drink when he guiltily admitted to having no money. He couldn't believe she was so quick to trust him as he was clearly not poor. He was dressed in some of Sirius' unworn muggle clothes that he'd left behind when he left Grimmauld Place with just the clothes on his back. They were good quality and it was clear that he had spent a lot of muggle money on them.
But he truly didn't have muggle cash so he let her buy him his drink with a promise to repay her. She smirked at that.
'Oh yeah?'
Regulus ended up back in her little flat wondering if his parents would notice his disappearance. He decided he didn't care.
'Do you really like that sort of music?'
'Of course. I wouldn't be there if I didn't.'
'Right. It's just a bit intense. Not really my sort of thing.'
'And what, dare I ask, is your sort of thing?'
She appeared through the door of her kitchen, two vodka blackcurrants in hand.
'I promise I'm not a total waster, I just don't have any other mixer in the house. It tastes alright if you're drunk enough.'
'I don't think I'm drunk enough.'
She shoved Regulus playfully and he realised he hadn't felt this relaxed in months. He leaned back against her ever-so-soft couch as she sat down beside him, taking a sip of his drink. It really wasn't that bad.
'So?' Jackie snuggled in beside him, running a finger along his arm.
'What? Oh.' Regulus knew what he was about to say made him sound like a stuck-up twat but he didn't want to lie to her.
'Okay but don't laugh. I- I like classical music. No lyrics, just instruments.'
She laughed.
'It soothes me, I don't know what else to say.'
'Regulus, you might just be the most interesting person I know. And I know a lot of interesting people.
Regulus had desperately wanted to ask about Josh all night, and he felt this might be his last chance.
'I hope it's not weird of me to ask this.' Regulus hesitated and Jackie focused on him, nodding slightly, urging him to continue.
'When Josh said he was trans... Does that mean he was born a girl? I know I must sound crazy, but where I come from, it's - well, it's not really a thing.'
Jackie considered this for a moment, possibly wondering where on Earth Regulus could be from that he doesn't know about trans people.
'Yeah, exactly. He was born a girl and now he's a boy. Why?'
Regulus weighed the pros and cons of telling this random muggle woman about himself when he realised that she was just that, a random woman. Therefore it couldn't hurt, he will probably never see her again.
'Well, I think I'm like that. Obviously I'm a girl but I want to be a boy, I think I always have. I didn't know that it was a real thing, I thought I was all wrong.'
'It's definitely real Regulus. And it's perfectly right.'
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Regulus didn't stay at Jackie's for long after that. She gave him her number saying he could call her any time, he'd have to get his hands on a muggle phone of course but he didn't tell her that.
He lay in Sirius' bed that night, his head reeling. He couldn't believe that this feeling he'd had for years, a feeling he'd had since the Noble House of Black Christmas ball of 1971 was real. And it was okay. He wished he could tell Sirius.
That year, 1971, Regulus desperately wanted to wear the old dress robes in the back of Sirius' wardrobe. Their father wore them to his brother's wedding when he was a child.
Regulus tried them on every day for years until they fit perfectly when he was ten. Which happened to be the week before the Christmas ball.
Sirius’ new friend Peter Pettigrew was going to be there and Regulus wanted to impress him because he sort of hoped that he could be friends with Sirius’ friends when he went to Hogwarts the following year.
He even took a pair of scissors to his hair, cutting it as short as Sirius' to really get the look. It was very messy and quite frankly ugly. Regulus loved it.
He went down to dinner that evening with his suit on, short hair standing up at every angle. His mother went ballistic and used a very painful spell to grow his hair back while his father made him watch as he burned his beautiful new suit in the fireplace.
At the ball the following week, Regulus wore a frilly green dress. His hair, now longer than ever before, in two thick plaits with large bows on the end just to spite him.