Work Text:
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01-xxxx-xxxx
Congratulations! You have won two tickets for a free trip to the Bahamas! Please reply YES to begin the application process so you can get started on your tropical chance of a lifetime!
asshole ex
yes
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Please answer the following questions.
What is your name?
asshole ex
min yoongi
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What is your date of birth?
asshole ex
9 3 93
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Which vacation package would you like to select?
1) Birthday
2) Retirement
3) Wedding
4) Anniversary
asshole ex
wedding
(“oh, fuck him. i hope he chokes on a dick. no. no. i hope someone steps on his dick, rips it off, and makes him choke on his own dick. fuck you. fuck you. who the fuck do you think you’re marrying? we just broke up! were you seeing someone behind my back? oh my god, fuck you to hell, min yoongi.”)
01-xxxx-xxxx
The Wedding Package has been selected. Reply YES to confirm selection.
asshole ex
yes
(“damn you to hell, min yoongi. who the fuck is this bitch?!”)
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Thank for your response. The Wedding Package has been noted.
What is the name of the second ticket owner?
asshole ex
jeon jungkook
(“...ex-fucking-cuse me? what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck? what the fuck.”)
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What is ‘jeon jungkook’’s date of birth?
asshole ex
the day my soulmate was born
(“i will kick a bitch. and that bitch is you, min yoongi. that bitch is fucking you!”)
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Sorry, we are not able to understand that number format. Please try again.
asshole ex
the day that lives in my heart
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Sorry, we are not able to understand that number format. Please try again.
asshole ex
the day i want to celebrate every year with him until my last breath
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Sorr, we are not able to understand that number format. Please try again.
asshole ex
you’re missing a y in sorry, kookoo
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Sorry, we are not able to understand that number format. Please try again.
asshole ex
1 9 97
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We will need some more details in order to create the most perfect Wedding Package for you and your partner! Please answer the following questions.
Where did you first meet?
asshole ex
we met in college
do you remember how shy you were? hiding behind hoseok when he was introducing us
i remember thinking you were adorable
and then you sang for our demo track and it was love at first sight
(“...me too. it was... for me too.”)
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How would you describe your first date in a few words?
asshole ex
fucking chaotic
didn’t jin-hyung and jimin dress up like clowns at the fair we were at?
fuckers tried to spy on us and instead had to juggle tomatoes for kids haha
and tae threw up on the ferris wheel
we had to get you a new shirt. it had like a cat on it right?
(“...i still have that cat shirt. it’s... one of my most precious memories. i can’t believe you remember...”)
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What is your favorite moment with your partner?
asshole ex
you don’t know this but
i was awake that night
you know the one
when you were on the phone with your mom
(“oh. oh.”)
asshole ex
you were so sad but so happy
being away from your parents but being with me
it was so different than what you expected
and it broke my heart when you said it was worth the pain
you were so happy with me
i remember kookoo
(“oh my god. that means... he heard me?”)
asshole ex
i heard you
i heard you say you love me for the first time
i heard you say you were so scared
because it felt like you could never stop
do you think you can stop now?
(“...what do you think, asshole? fucking... ugh.”)
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What are some regrets you have concerning your relationship?
asshole ex
letting you go
letting you leave
it was a bad time for us both
we failed
but i was the hyung
i should’ve done more
i should’ve done better
i miss you kookoo
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i miss you hyung
so so much
wait
wait i mean
How many bags of luggage do you estimate you will bring?
asshole ex
kookoo
come on, bunny, the gig’s up
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damn it
damn it
damn you
asshole ex
kookoo i’m sorry
it’s been a week
i don’t know how much longer i can go without you
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fuck you
it’s just a week grow up
asshole ex
you literally tried using a scam attempt to figure out if i was seeing someone or not
one measly week after we broke up
which by the way was not mutual
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it was too!
i told you i would never speak to you again
then i grabbed all my belongings and escaped the prison of our home
right in the middle of the thunderstorm of the century
flood warnings all over the city
asshole ex
the sun was out and you only grabbed your wallet and kitten plushie before heading to joonie
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i wandered the streets
lost and confused
how could the person i love so much do this to me
did i mean so little to them after all this time
was i just another tool in their journey to become the greatest pokemon trainer of all time
was i just a fucking pikachu
asshole ex
pikachu is overrated baby
and if you’re playing a gen three game right now then evolve mudkip before the first gym
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you’re a pikachu!
and i already evolved mr. kipper!
ugh
how did you know it was me anyways?
asshole ex
do you think i don’t know my bunny’s phone number?
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i grabbed your phone and deleted it!
you shouldn’t have been able to tell it was me
asshole ex
again
do you think i don’t know my bunny’s phone number?
kookoo the moment you became important to me
i spent the time to memorize your number
just in case
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you did that?
for me?
asshole ex
for you
i love you kookoo
i always have and i always will
01-xxxx-xxxx
i love you too
but you hurt me
you hurt me so much
asshole ex
i’m sorry bunny
i’m sorry i forgot your case of banana milk at the store
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what else are you sorry for?
asshole ex
for pretending i did bring it home when really i didn’t
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what else?
asshole ex
for telling you that banana milk was stupid when you saw i didn’t bring any
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what else? one more thing
asshole ex
oh
oh
i didn’t kiss you before leaving to work did i?
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NO YOU DID NOT!
DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO TOHRU AND HER MOM
asshole ex
tohru slept in and couldn’t wish her mom a good day at work
her mom died that day
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YOU COULD’VE DIED MIN YOONGI
I WAS SO SCARED
I WAS JUST SHOWERING YOU COULD HAVE SLIPPED IN AND TOLD ME YOU WERE LEAVING
BUT YOU DIDN’T
YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE
YOU COULD’VE FUCKING DIED
asshole ex
bunny
what happens in an anime won’t happen to me
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EXCUSE ME
asshole ex
but no you’re right
i promised you that i would say goodbye to you with a kiss every morning
and i broke that promise
then i didn’t bring home the banana milk
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and then i walked out even though you’re scared of being with our cat alone
i told you i would never abandon you and that’s what i did
asshole ex
it’s okay
we’re friends now
he just has to get his daily bite in
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well
good
asshole ex
yeah
so
can you come back?
aren’t you tired of staying at joonie’s?
01-xxxx-xxxx
we play piano for his plants and do yoga every morning
asshole ex
you’re coming back
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god yes please
yoonie <3
hey bunny
kookoo >:)
yes hyungie?
yoonie <3
i love you :]
kookoo >:)
i love you too <3 <3 <3
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(“hey, hyung. are we getting married?” / “what?” / “you picked the wedding package. you know. for the bahamas trip.” / “...” / “...” / “i’ll propose later. first sleep.” / “hehehe. okay, hyungie.”)
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