Chapter Text
They say you have not truly experienced adulthood until you've had sex.
It's not that Levi wanted to have sex—in fact, he had never given it that much thought...until the past three days, that is. The frequency of this stupid subject being discussed among the soldiers —both veterans and recruits— only served to amplify how annoying the three-lettered word was.
Again, not because he hadn't had any, but because this wretched word remained a key ingredient in all sorts of conversations slithering into his ears. In fact, not even the hallways were free of that pesky subject. It really made walking around a chore for him.
It was as if it's a goddamn mating season.
Levi shuffled past the hallways a little more quickly when he spotted a few recruits ahead of him. Getting through the halls seemed like a mission to avoid titans nowadays. He even felt compelled to put on his extra-grumpy expression as a "strategy" to ward off the "titans". Man, it's getting tough to keep up with the times.
He rolled his eyes to no one after (finally) treading past a few people chattering at the corridor.
"Fucking horny brats." He lamented under his breath, speed-walking with his hands clenched. Despite it being a feat biologically and physically impossible, he tried to block his hearing.
Alas, bits of chatter were light and cling spore-like to his ears as he zoomed through the halls. Mentions of some soldiers and new recruits (most likely something around "which girls I'd like to screw"), the topic of kissing... Oh, for God's sake, those morons are like 15 or something. They couldn't even clean up their own fucking bed; and yet they want to bed someone ? They're too immature. Scratch that, they're not even old enough to start fucking. What the hell is up with this generation's teenagers?
Entering his destination, he closed the door behind him with a back kick. A loud bang ensued and three pairs of eyes simultaneously darted towards him. In this small, relatively undecorated office, one might feel attacked by their actions, but Levi’s used to getting accusing stares from three — no, more people.
"What's wrong? You look constipated." The first pair of eyes, covered by a pair of glasses, stared at him in mild curiosity. Paying no mind, Levi carelessly plopped down onto the sofa next to the aforementioned person.
"He looks constipated everyday." a tall bearded scout, Mike, chimed in lackadaisically while studying what seemed like some kind of map.
The bespectacled individual, Hange Zoe of the Fourth Squad, laughed heartily. "Well, I should say he looks extra constipated today, then."
Hange relaxed in their seat, the old sofa creaking as they sank in. Their eyes moved from Mike at the corner, back to the grumpy man sitting beside them.
Levi gave Hange a look as he scoffed. Without saying anything, the man then nonchalantly tossed a document folder across the room. A serious-looking blonde man caught the folder with practiced ease, his reflexes accustomed to things flying towards him.
"You should refrain from throwing things at your commander, Levi." Erwin, the blonde man, said. Like usual, his steely eyes didn't leave the paper he was writing on when he spoke.
As if on purpose, Levi threw another folder across the room, in a different direction this time. Mike caught the folder just before it hit his face, similarly with no sign of surprise or any similar expression.
Hange chuckled as they swiftly grabbed the last folder from Levi's lap before it could get thrown to them. "It's his way of showing affection, right, Levi?"
"Affection, my ass." Levi muttered, side-eyeing the taller figure sitting on his side. Hange opened the report with a grin, taking a handmade pencil from their pocket. They carried the pencil almost anywhere even if they had no intention to write — reading was faster when there’s something guiding their eyes along (a nifty trick they’d learned a few years ago from observing Levi).
"Hmph." Mike snorted with a smirk, now standing as he laid out the folder's contents onto the desk he shared with Erwin.
The room fell in silence for a few moments as Mike, Erwin, and Hange busied themselves with the documents. Levi impassively laid his head on the headrest after Hange excused themselves to find their research notes; perhaps there were some useful details for their research.
As the door to the stuffy room closed, the raven-haired man fixed his gaze at the ceiling, his mind shuffling from nothingness to the annoying things he accidentally eavesdropped in the hallways.
Not that again.
He instinctively clicked his tongue. It must be the oppressive air in this office.
The only redeeming bit from this sad excuse of a workroom was the large window behind the seat, where one could see past the courtyard. Though Levi understood that Erwin chose this as his office due to its strategic location, he couldn’t help but secretly wonder if the vibe was part of his consideration; official visits of all sorts were held here, from both military officials and civilians.
Knowing the shrewd commander, he might have thought that the oddly dreary aura could serve an extra pressure for official negotiations (and information-digging “chats” that were just subtly masked interrogations).
Or not.
One could never know with that guy.
"Levi." Mike's voice called in what Levi thought as nonchalance, but Levi couldn’t quip a response as Mike continued first. "I heard an interesting rumor about you today,"
Huh. Levi snorted quietly in a mix of indifference and amusement.
"Which brat's balls do I need to kick today?" he replied, his head now raised from the headrest.
"Well, I heard it from a female recruit," Mike, almost smirking, disclosed before shifting in his seat, crossing one leg over the other.
Levi's eyes narrowed at him in suspicion. He knew the man was mocking him; from the way he tapped his boot against the floor in a certain rhythm, the way he acted as if he was reading the report, to the way his fingers repeatedly touched his beard. All signs pointed to the conclusion that it would be pointless to continue this conversation.
Yet, the more he inspected the bearded man's mannerisms, the more curious he grew about said rumor. In the first place, it was peculiar for the untalkative Mike to initiate a conversation. What stupid rumor was serious enough to lead Mike to ask him when Erwin's present, yet foolish enough for Mike to not take it seriously?
Levi took a glance at Erwin who was indifferently reading through his documents. There seemed to be a tacit air of understanding hinting that Erwin already knew what Mike was talking about.
Damn, these two old men. What the hell are they keeping from me?
Levi thought he caught Mike's taunting snort, but before he could comment about it, Mike spoke first.
"Say, are you and Hange friends with benefits?"
Levi thought he misheard that. "What?"
Benefits? What the hell are they talking about?
Erwin paused his writing and glanced at Mike for a second before looking at Levi, as if trying to telepathically communicate with his eyes. The black-haired captain glared at the two men in annoyance. Just what the fuck are they on about?
"Answer, Levi. It's a 'yes or no' question." Erwin responded, eyeing Levi for a second longer before returning his focus to the document he was writing on.
"Like I said, what the hell is 'friends with benefits'?" Levi replied unenthusiastically per usual, though it was pretty clear he's getting annoyed at the increasingly probable chance of him being the butt of a joke here.
"There's absolutely no benefit in befriending that titan maniac. Even as a comrade, they’re a damn troublesome one. I'd say rather than getting benefits, pitfalls sound more like it. The ones that you don't want to get into but forced to due to your shitty circumstances."
Amused, Mike raised one eyebrow at Levi. Did Levi really not know about friends with benefits? That small man was a bit dull in this department, yes. But he didn't expect it to be this grave. Well, either that, or Levi was kidding. Levi had always been horrendously bad with his jokes, like an old retiree who tries to be funny around his kid's friends. Given his deadpan manner of speech, it’s understandable that people sometimes couldn’t tell when he’s kidding, of which this particular instance could possibly be one.
"Levi, do you not know what 'friends with benefits' mean?" Erwin asked (despite finding his own assumption ridiculous).
Once again Levi noticed Mike and Erwin exchanging looks. Both of them stared at the grumpy man for a good minute as they scanned for signs of dishonesty in him. It felt as if he was a criminal under interrogation.
Irritated by the two men's suspicious behavior, Levi grunted crossly. "What the hell is up with all this? You two are being annoyingly roundabout about this issue of me and Hange being, what, 'friends with benefits'. Stop beating around the bush and speak clearly already."
Levi could've sworn Erwin let out a sigh when he was done talking.
In fact, he was sure the commander did sigh, because now the blonde man’s focus was back to his document, as if signalling he didn't want to deal with him anymore.
Mike seemed indifferent about it, but he kept staring at Levi in a manner that somehow got on the short man's nerves. Levi stared back at him with heated expectancy, waiting for some sort of clarification.
The way their eyes narrowed at each other was akin to swords clashing in a battle. Where Mike examined Levi's expression, Levi was unrelenting as well—their eyes tried to dismantle each other’s facade without much success.
With neither party speaking, time silently dragged on. So grave the silence had been, that the scratches of Erwin’s pen on paper sounded thunderous in comparison.
Levi tried to construct at least one coherent sentence, but found his vocabulary emptied against the circumstances at hand. He truly wanted to understand what they were asking about, but they were going around the main issue instead of directly laying it out, which could mean there was something they needed to hide despite needing his intel. This was typical whenever Erwin’s concerned. Take what you need, and give nothing away; that was what Erwin Smith was about .
Levi understood this guy was a secretive man, and honestly, he had grown somewhat used to not knowing everything; he respected his secretiveness.
But somehow this time, it's more... annoying than usual.
His questioning eyes peered at Erwin for a moment, noticing the commander still studying his documents. One could never miss Levi’s eyeful of daggers, yet Erwin paid no mind to the dark eyes stabbing into him.
Erwin’s expression was firm and his breathing steady, implying he indeed was letting Mike take over this conversation. The answer wouldn’t come from him, it seemed. Glancing back at Mike, Levi found himself not being stared at anymore. Instead, Mike was reading the report on his hand in a studious manner entirely different from five minutes ago, as if the earlier 'staring contest' didn't happen at all.
Levi kept his eyes on him, trying to make sense of it all. Are they gonna elaborate, or what?
Again, Levi noted Mike's mocking behavior. Head tilted to the side, fingers tapping on the paper...
This is fucking ridiculous.
"Levi,"
Levi narrowed his gaze.
"Are you and Hange fucking in secret?"
What?