Work Text:
List for Tomorrow
- Thank Captain Fitzjames again for appointing me as Assistant Surgeon for this Historic Voyage, for this has also permitted me – up until now, with our being stuck in – to spend time on Naturalist pursuits. He’s been most supportive in that regard, and I look forward to resuming those activities after the ice thaws.
- Thank Mr. Wall for his services, for I don't think he receives sufficient praise – if he receives any praise at all – for the work he does on this ship. While I've had the pleasure of tasting victuals far superior to his, and I am also confident in my conjecture that most of the crew have done likewise, I do credit Mr. Wall with doing an admirable job with the resources made available to him.
- Endeavor to remain calm and obedient in Dr. Stanley's presence – although this has become increasingly difficult of late.
- Continue suppressing my urge to talk back to Dr. Stanley. Yesterday’s circumstance was most frustrating, indeed. Fortunately, I successfully restrained myself and didn’t tell him what I really thought of him after he scolded me – yet again – for something not of my doing. Had I so erred, I might have found myself lashed in front of the crew last evening for it.
- Be calm, as I've noted above, because In Truth, Fate has put Dr. Stanley in the position of being my direct superior, and I, as his subordinate. I am just an Assistant Surgeon, after all.
I must remain Close-Lipped, and Open-Minded.
- Check on Mr. Morfin’s condition when I next see him.
- In fact, seek him out with purpose to ask if his symptoms have abated. I will do this when away from the sick bay, and without telling Dr. Stanley. If he should find out, then I’ll put forth the argument that if a patient has presented symptoms, we are obliged to give him our full concern, not only at the time of his visit to the sick bay, but after, to check on his progress.
- I am certain that Dr. McDonald would adopt the same reasoning. How I wish I were working with him instead of Dr. Stanley! I know this is not possible, but it certainly doesn’t stop me from wishing it.
- Thank Dr. McDonald again for lending me his journals. I'm curious to know if he might offer other writings, not necessarily his own, concerning the Eskimaux. Perhaps they would be helpful to me as I continue my interactions with Lady Silence.
- Make a list of proposed Subject Headings for the Dictionary (beyond the two I’ve already chosen).
- Make the preliminary list of our tools and clothing. Obtain whatever Inuktitut equivalents I can from Lady Silence. Learn about her tools and clothing, and add those to the list, as well. Illustrations may be warranted. For the time being, since I am no longer drawing insects and crustaceans for scholarly papers, I’ll be pleased to put my artistic talents to use for the dictionary.
- Prepare the list of anatomy for the dictionary.
- Continue to smile at Lady Silence every day, and to make her feel as welcome as she may under the circumstances.
- Try again to persuade her to tell me her true name.
- Ask again that she call me Harry. I believe she may do so soon. She addressed me as “Goodsir” two days ago, so there is Hope.
- Continue saving ship's chocolates. Many are the days that I enjoy two or more at a time when reading in the privacy of my cabin.
- I can’t seem to recall the title of that book that so many on Erebus have recently read and enjoyed. However, I do know that it's a comedy. Ask Mr. Bridgens about this. I would be grateful for moments of comedy on this ship, even if I can find them only in a work of fiction – and especially at the end of a trying day in the sick bay with Dr. Stanley. Hs criticisms of me are unfounded, and I’d wager they’re based on his need to constantly prove his superiority. What a pompous, self-absorbed man he is!
- In contrast, Animals are honest in their dealings with humans, and they are not motivated by Ego. They harbour no ill feelings nor tendencies toward deceit. Theirs are Pure Souls. As such, perhaps I should spend more time with animals. Jacko is comedy enough, and she does seem to enjoy my company during her feedings. I find myself telling her things I wouldn’t dream of divulging to anyone else on this ship. Strange, but when I speak to her, I imagine she understands what I am saying. I am caring for her as best I can, but I can’t help but think that she misses Sir John’s presence, as we all do. May God Rest his Soul.
- Fagin is of opposite temperament. That cat is as disarmingly aloof as the day we set sail. He lives life on his own terms, and with no apologies. A Pure Soul – in his own way.
- I should like to visit Neptune frequently, too. He’s a noble canine, and very friendly, besides. If I weren’t so enamoured of Mr. Jopson, seeing Neptune would be reason enough to make journeys to Terror.
- Try to capture Mr. Jopson's gaze (those beautiful eyes!) at the next watercolour class on Terror. Smile at him – and do try not to blush.
- It would be better that I arrive early for the next class, secure a table, and make sure to reserve a space next to me just for Mr. Jopson. When he walks in, invite him to sit adjacent. With room for only two to a table, this will be an ideal arrangement.
- Don't lose my nerve concerning the item above, as I've done dozens of times before. I will no longer sit alone! It’s been nearly a year since my thoughts began to turn so frequently to Mr. Jopson – and to what might be possible for Us. (My cheeks have grown considerably warmer upon writing this!)
- Every time I visit Terror, I feel I belong there. She is in the more precarious position of the two ships, tilted and lifted by the ice, but if only to be near Mr. Jopson, I would choose to berth there, should the option be presented to me.
- But what of Lady Silence? I’ve developed a curious affection for her, as well. Thoughts of her vex me, day and night, and this seems more than mere affection. Do I dare call it Love? I do. It’s a most agreeable vexation.
What a difficult choice it would be: Berth on Terror, knowing that Mr. Jopson would be in close proximity? Or, stay on Erebus, my assigned ship, to be near Lady Silence?
- Might there be a way to take Lady Silence to Terror, so that we may both berth there? Captain Crozier expects me to find out more about the Creature – so perhaps we may transfer to Terror together, and I may resume my efforts there. Then I could be near both Mr. Jopson, and her!
- I do need to find out as much as I can about the Creature. I have been woefully remiss in this regard.
- I may need to purposely avoid Mr. Chambers. It’s obvious that the lad has some sort of fixation on me. I’m flattered, but I have no interest in what I suspect he truly wants of me. He comes to the sick bay on a weekly basis, and for all manner of minor irritations and maladies. I believe he’s feigning all of them.
- Next time Mr. Chambers comes to the sick bay, make some excuse to depart, and thus, leave him to Dr. Stanley.
- But what if Dr. Stanley should happen to be away from the sick bay? Should that be the circumstance, then I’ll simply need to be plain with Mr. Chambers. Through the fault of my own silence, I’ve likely been encouraging the boy. I need to stop his obsession from going any further. I can’t risk his stealing an errant touch, an attempted embrace, or – God Forbid – an impulsive kiss.
- Or maybe I’m only imagining that he’s obsessed with me.
- No, surely he is Obsessed – if I’m reading correctly the look in his eyes when he walks into the sick bay and meets my eyes. He smiles and blushes, too.
- Oh, dear. Blushing. The very thing I described as wanting to avoid when I next see Mr. Jopson. Yes, I’ll need to stop this situation with Mr. Chambers as soon as possible. He generally comes to the sick bay on Wednesdays. Very well, then. Tomorrow is a Wednesday.
- When we are finally free of this ice and sailing again, I must write letters to my family, and have them posted at the next Port. “An adventure for Queen and Country,” Sir John said to us at the beginning of this Expedition. This is one aspect of the adventure that we hadn’t anticipated. But, with the many events that have occurred while being frozen in, there will be no lack of interesting tales to tell when I am next able to correspond.
- I see that this list has become entirely too long, and that I’ve strayed to other topics, with excess information not germane to what I hope to accomplish tomorrow.
36. Still, do what I can tomorrow. Then, tomorrow night:
- Destroy this List.
- Make a new List - and make it short!