Chapter Text
logically, changkyun knew he didn’t have any right to be jealous of how close hyungwon and jooheon were. he was the one dating hyungwon, after all, not jooheon. but changkyun just couldn’t help but feel the cold grip around his heart when he sees a video or photo of hyungwon looking at jooheon too sweetly how he should be looking at changkyun. or the subtle sinking feeling in his stomach when he read the words jooheon used to describe what hyungwon is to him- like a lover.
he knows it’s for fan service. knows that the company tells hyungwon and jooheon to play up their closeness in public because it brings in more viewers which in turn brings in more money which is good for everyone. but he just can’t help it. hyungwon is his but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.
like now, changkyun has his phone clutched in his hand as he lays in bed, the time unimportant to him but he vaguely knows it’s some time past 1 a.m.. he has twitter open to some random monbebe account and sees a tweet that was posted almost 3 hours ago, just about the time that hyungwon and jooheon usually leave the Idol Radio studio. there’s a picture of the two, standing side by side and greeting the cameras waiting for them. that’s no big deal. it’s customary to greet the cameras. but what is a big deal is how close hyungwon and jooheon are. hyungwon has his arm slung around jooheon’s shoulder, his hand holding the opposite side of the younger’s masked face and holding it close to his own, looking as if giving him a kiss through the cloth of their masks. and jooheon has his own arm resting on hyungwon’s waist and they look so… domestic.
it makes changkyun sick and sad at the same time.
shutting his phone off without bothering to close the twitter app, changkyun looks up at his ceiling, decorated with the shadows of the street lights outside. he closes his eyes, his brain doing nothing to help try and make him better but instead supplies him with memories of all the times that jooheon had come in between him and hyungwon, whether purposefully or not. jooheon has always craved attention, everyone knows that, and he’d take it from anyone. and changkyun can’t help but feel the slightest bit bitter every time jooheon gets attention from hyungwon. there were plenty of other people jooheon could go to, yet he always seemed to go to hyungwon, even if changkyun and hyungwon were together at the moment. and hyungwon always gave in.
ding!
changkyun’s eyes snapped open when his phone went off. reaching for the phone that was resting by his head, he didn’t unlock it, only read the notification from the lock screen.
hyungwon si <3
are you awake, babe?
he clicked the phone off once again, sighing as he let it fall to the bed. he wasn’t in the mood to talk to hyungwon. turning over and pulling the covers to his chin, changkyun closed his eyes, sleep not taking long to take over his saddened brain.
-
“are you okay?” was the first thing changkyun heard when he entered the kitchen for a late breakfast. kihyun was sitting at the table, a bowl of cereal on the table and his phone in one hand. he was looking changkyun over, taking in the sullen eyes and slumped form of his maknae, obviously upset. no one liked to see changkyun upset.
“yeah,” was all changkyun said. he took a bowl from the cabinet above the sink and a spoon from the drawer, making himself a bowl of cereal as well. he wasn’t feeling very talkative and kihyun could tell, so the elder wasn’t going to risk upsetting changkyun further and decided to leave the topic at that. he’ll get it out of him later.
“tonight is my solo broadcast. what are you gonna do? go to hyungwon’s?” kihyun asked around a mouthful of cereal. typically, changkyun would go to his studio when kihyun was doing Midnight Idol alone, but he was having some burnout and was wanting to get away from the cramped studio room.
changkyun’s hand twitched at the mention of hyungwon’s name and his jaw clenched. the reaction didn’t go unnoticed by kihyun. the elder didn’t mention it, though.
clearing his throat, changkyun spun his spoon around in his bowl, “uhm, might stay here with min hyung. not sure.”
kihyun nodded, standing up to bring his dishes to the sink. he went to make his way out of the kitchen to get ready for his day, but walked back to changkyun to pat him on the head softly, a quiet way to say ’i’m here when you want to talk.’
changkyun smiled at the gesture, the weight on his brain lifting for just a moment as he watched his hyung leave the kitchen. however, the weight settled back into place when his distraction was gone and hyungwon was back on his mind. sighing for the umpteenth time that morning, changkyun put his bowl in the sink, not feeling very hungry anymore.
-
“so, what’s wrong?” minhyuk said he opened changkyun’s door without as much as a knock. changkyun looked over to his hyung, clad in a bathrobe and his hair damp. it was almost 10 p.m. and changkyun was just about to open the Naver NOW stream to watch kihyun’s broadcast.
minhyuk plopped onto the bed beside changkyun, not caring that he almost knocked the laptop out of changkyun’s lap. grasping to catch the object, changkyun sighed once it was safe in his lap, “what do you mean, hyung?”
“you’re sad and i don’t like it when you’re sad. what’s wrong? and hyungwon told me that you haven’t texted him today which is weird because you’re always trying to talk to him. are you two fighting? do i need to hurt him? because i will,” minhyuk said all in one breath, a pout on his lips as he spoke.
changkyun gave an exasperated chuckle, trying to process all the words minhyuk just spoke. but thinking about it, changkyun felt the need to get his thoughts out about what caused his sullen mood.
“hyung, can i talk to you? i don’t know if i’m being ridiculous or not,” changkyun’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper. he was fiddling with the blanket draped over his lap, his eyes downcast as his heart picked up at the thought of someone besides himself knowing how he was feeling.
“sure, baby, you can talk to me about anything. you know that,” minhyuk’s voice became softer after hearing and seeing how small changkyun looked. no, he wasn’t a baby anymore, but he was still beyond precious to minhyuk and minhyuk would do anything he could to help changkyun, no matter what.
“it’s about hyungwon hyung… and jooheon hyung,” changkyun started, his eyes never leaving the space on the bed between him and minhyuk. minhyuk didn’t say anything and changkyun knew this was his cue to keep talking. clearing his throat, he continued, “so, you know how they’re really close and stuff? i don’t have a problem with that or anything, i never have, it’s just that lately, hyungwon hyung has been… closer, to jooheon hyung than he has been with me and it makes me upset because i see all these things they say about each other. you know, lovey-dovey things, and like i know they don’t like each other, at least i don’t think they do, but they’ve just been acting more and more like a couple lately and it feels like i’m not even dating my own boyfriend anymore because he doesn’t do that stuff with me, even off camera.”
changkyun let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding since minhyuk first asked him what was wrong, but now his lungs feel heavy again as he looks up to see his hyung trying to process all that he just said.
minhyuk cleared his throat, trying to figure out the best way to respond. “well, i’m gonna be honest, kyunnie; this is something that can only be figured out by you and hyungwonnie. if you feel that he’s not holding his place in the relationship, then you need to talk to him about it.”
changkyun nodded, knowing that his hyung was right. he knew that he’d have to talk to hyungwon eventually, even if he decided to bury his thoughts about it and move on.
he had gotten lucky today, not having much of anything to do since Midnight Idol and album preparations are all he has to do these days. he wasn’t complaining, it was nice to have more rest before all of their schedules went to shit again for promotions, but it meant that he had no reason to not text hyungwon now and ask to talk. knowing that minhyuk was done giving his input on the situation, changkyun took his phone from the bed beside him and opened his messages with hyungwon.
“good boy,” minhyuk grinned as he stood up and patted changkyun on the head, taking his leave. “talk it out like the big boys you are. i’ll be in my room if you need emotional support.” and then he was gone and changkyun’s door was closed behind him.
taking a deep breathe to calm his nerves, changkyun began typing-
me
hyung, can we talk?
not even a minute later, the text bubble from hyungwon appeared,
hyungwon si <3
on my way to your place
changkyun didn’t bother to respond, instead he clicked his phone off and threw back onto the blankets beside him. he brought his hand to his mouth, chewing on his nail, a habit kihyun has tried helping him break.
what seemed like an infinity later, but was really only maybe 20 minutes, changkyun heard a knock on his bedroom door and knew it was hyungwon. minhyuk never knock, kihyun isn’t home yet, and jooheon always texts before he comes over. standing from the bed, changkyun made his way to the door and took a deep breath before twisting the handle and opening the door, being met with hyungwon standing right there.
“can i come in?” there was a certain tone to hyungwon’s voice that changkyun knew and despised. it was the tone his voice took on when he was tired, but not fatigued. more like he was inconvenienced.
changkyun felt sick knowing hyungwon was directing that tone at him.
nodding without saying anything, changkyun stepped to side and opened the door wider, closing and locking it after hyungwon walked in. force of habit.
“what did you want to talk about?” hyungwon got right to the point. he wasn’t acting like he normally did- normally, he’d make himself comfortable on changkyun’s bed or would be hugging changkyun right now, but now there was cold space between them as hyungwon stood with his arms crossed.
“uhm, well, i don’t really know how to start,” changkyun hated this feeling. this feeling of awkwardness and uncertainty. he and hyungwon had been together for nearly two-and-a-half years, known each other for nearly eight, yet here they are, standing around like they don’t know how to be around each other.
“well, you can start with why you didn’t text me back last night. i know you were awake,” hyungwon finally sat on the edge of changkyun’s bed, but didn’t look like he was at home like he usually did.
changkyun gulped and nodded, his eyes looking everywhere but at hyungwon, knowing that he needed to start talking sooner than later. he stayed standing, not caring he felt unwelcomed in his own room.
“i just, i saw something online that kinda upset me,” changkyun knew it was vague, but at least it was something. finally braving a look at hyungwon, the older had one of his eyebrows raised as he looked at changkyun, waiting for him to elaborate. when changkyun looked away again, indicating that was all he was going to say, hyungwon nodded his head and cleared his throat.
“and what does that have to do with you being upset with me?” hyungwon was on the edge of sounding exasperated and changkyun wanted to cry. any other time they argue, they have no problem talking it out and getting over it, but this is their first time arguing over something that involves one of their actions. changkyun wasn’t confrontational, he liked to let things go and move on, but this was his and hyungwon’s relationship that he was feeling excluded from and he couldn’t just let this one go.
“it was you and jooheon hyung,” changkyun felt the anxiety setting his nerves alight. he looked at hyungwon again, this time seeing the older’s brow furrow in confusion. changkyun needed to elaborate, but his throat felt full and his tongue like sandpaper trying to get the words out. his voice was quiet as he continued, “you two were really, you know, close and it just… it was different than usual and it made me upset.”
hyungwon’s eyes never left changkyun’s form the whole time he’s been in here, but now he looked around as he scoured his brain trying to think about a time he was too close to jooheon that changkyun could be thinking about. not being able to think of a time, hyungwon looked back at changkyun, “what are you talking about?”
changkyun sighed as he stepped closer to his bed, grabbing his phone from beside his pillow and opening it to the godforsaken twitter app and the account he was looking at last night.
“this,” changkyun said as he showed hyungwon his screen, the photo of the older and jooheon displayed. hyungwon leaned back to get a better look at the screen, his eyes seeing himself close to jooheon, almost looking like he were kissing him, and oh, that’s why changkyun is upset?
“baby, you know that’s just fanservice,” hyungwon looked away from the screen, his eyes landing on changkyun’s face and now, he could really see the sadness from up close. had this one picture really done changkyun in so bad?
“hyung, you don’t get it. this goes past fanservice,” changkyun’s voice was still quiet, trying to not let the pressure in his throat take over him.
hyungwon sighed, running his hand down his face as he stood up and faced changkyun, bringing his hands up and planting them on the younger’s shoulders. he leaned down just the slightest to be eye to eye with the maknae, making sure that he was looking at him. “you’re thinking too much into it, kyun. like i said, it’s just fanservice.”
changkyun felt the heat travel up his face and down his neck, a million and one thoughts running through his head as he remembered all the times hyungwon was more of a boyfriend to jooheon than to him. “i’m not ‘thinking too much into it’, hyung! everything is right there, right in front of my face, and all i see is you and jooheon hyung looking like some lovesick dogs with each other all the time and it makes me sick. it hurts to see you like that with him. it hurts to see you look at him like that. it hurts to hear the sweet things you call him. it hurts, hyung. you don’t act like that with me and it fucking hurts.”
changkyun had tears building in his eyes, not quite ready to fall. he was looking up at hyungwon, anger and frustration and pain thrumming in his brain as he tried to make hyungwon understand- this was no longer something changkyun could play off as just fanservice. it was beginning to feel too real.
“i don’t know why you think something is going on with jooheon and i, but i promise, i love you, okay? i-,” hyungwon didn’t have the time to finish his sentence because, finally-
“then act like it, hyung! hold my hand, call me ‘baby’, tell me you love me, or just fuck me! do something, anything, to prove to me that you still love me,” changkyun broke and the tears fell and it settled in. changkyun had had enough of feeling like the outsider of his relationship.
hyungwon was stupefied at hearing changkyun’s words. he took his hands off the younger’s shoulders and stood up straight, looking down at the floor between their feet as he went through his memories, all of them with jooheon and changkyun and it seems that was the wake up call he needed to realize that wow, i’ve been a shit boyfriend.
heaving a sigh that held the weight of his regret, hyungwon looked back at changkyun, tears of his own burning his eyes as he saw just how much he had been neglecting his position as changkyun’s boyfriend without even realizing.
“baby, i’m so sorry,” hyungwon’s voice came out as a whisper, trying to push past the lump in his throat as his heart crushed with the knowledge that he has hurt the one he loved more than anything in this world. the one he swore to love and protect and cherish. all because he got caught up in how easy it was to show affection to another in public without fearing the backlash.
changkyun looked down, not able to look at hyungwon’s tears anymore. even if hyungwon was the one that had caused him pain, it still hurt to see his pretty round eyes filled with anything that wasn’t all the good the world had to offer. “i just… i miss you, hyung.”
suddenly, there were arms around him and a scent so familiar it brought a whole new wave of tears to his eyes because it was so good to smell it again.
“i’m so sorry, baby. so, so sorry,” hyungwon spoke quietly, afraid that if he spoke too loudly that changkyun would shatter and he promised that he would always hold changkyun together, now matter how many times he got cut on the shards.
“is there any way i can make it up to you? show you that you’re the only one for me?” hyungwon pulled away ever so slightly from the embrace, his hand coming up to rest softly on changkyun’s cheek and wipe away the tears.
everything about changkyun is beautiful to hyungwon, even his tears. how could he ever hurt someone so perfect?
“please, just love me,” changkyun whispered, his eyes settled on hyungwon’s lips as the only thing on his mind now was hyungwon being his again.