Chapter Text
“What do you mean you’re going back to Redcliffe?” Alistair glared at his honorary uncle, trying to channel the authority of sitting behind a large, regal desk. “You can’t leave now. You have to make things right with Meri.”
“Did Meriana say something to you?” Teagan flinched at her name, confirming Alistair’s hunch.
Blight it, he’d hoped he was wrong.
“No, but she’s been moping around here for days. And rearranging her schedule so she never sees you. I’m not a complete fool, you know.”
“No, of course not.” Teagan’s voice dropped, sounding resigned.
Alistair crossed his arms. “So go make it right.”
Teagan sighed, dropping into a chair across from the desk. “I don’t know how.”
Alistair paused, compassion warring with selfishness.
Teagan continued, oblivious to his inner struggle. “She won’t even see me. When she does see me, she refuses to speak to me. She’s made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. And I think...” His voice choked off, but he rallied and finished. “I think I should respect her wishes.”
Alistair stared at him for a moment, torn. Could it really be this easy? Maybe he hadn’t lost his chance; maybe he could still have a future with Meri. All it would take would be doing nothing, sitting back and… watching someone he cared about make a terrible mistake.
Void take it, he’d never been good at being selfish.
Alistair shook his head. “No.”
Teagan blinked. “What?”
“No. I won’t allow it.” He planted his hands firmly on his desk, refusing to think about whether he could have held them steady otherwise.
“But-- what --”
Alistair leaned forward on those planted hands, glaring at his uncle with a fierce intensity. Did he have to spell this out, to draw out the torture of giving her up? “Listen to me. Meriana Cousland is the most beautiful, amazing, strong, kind, and -- well, heroic person I’ve ever met. If you’ve got any sense, any sense at all, then as long as there’s still a chance she might return your feelings, you won’t give up. You’ll keep fighting.”
Alistair tried to keep his stare firm, to pretend he hadn’t just given away far, far too much.
Teagan said nothing at first, and Alistair wanted to squirm under his penetrating gaze. Damn it, he’d definitely said more than he should have.
“You should tell her.” Teagan’s voice was soft, and his eyes sad.
Alistair shook his head and looked away from his uncle’s pity. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve had all this time, and she’s never...” He shrugged, resigned to the truth he’d realized outside the kitchens during the coronation ball. “I’m not what she wants.”
Teagan didn’t respond at first, and the silence stretched out, becoming uncomfortable. Alistair knew he should say something, but he couldn’t force himself to push any further. If Teagan couldn’t realize what he had a chance at with Meri, if he didn’t want her enough to fight for her… maybe he didn’t deserve her after all.
When Teagan finally broke the silence, his words were nothing Alistair would have expected. “How can you be so sure if you’ve never given her the choice?” He rose from the chair, squaring his shoulders as he stood. “I’ll be leaving for Redcliffe in the morning. You should talk to Meriana.”
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True to his word, Teagan departed from the capital the following day. Without so much as saying goodbye to Meri. Admittedly, that would have been hard given how firmly she’d been avoiding him, but Alistair didn’t feel inclined to be charitable as he watched Meri mope around trying to pretend nothing was wrong.
After a week of listening to Meri sigh to herself and watching her dab tears from the corners of her eyes when she thought no one was looking, Alistair couldn’t take it any longer. He sent a note requesting her presence in his office, feeling a little silly for having a servant deliver a simple message when he could have walked down the hall himself. But what was the point of being king if he couldn’t take advantage of it now and then?
Meri arrived a few minutes later, frowning, that little crease forming between her eyebrows that always showed up when she worried. “What’s happened? Did the Orlesians send another set of revisions to the trade proposals? I know Eamon wants you to be receptive, but at this point I think they’re testing to see how much they can get away with against an untried monarch.”
Alistair frowned, getting up from behind his desk. “If the Orlesians are up to anything – other than wearing silly masks and eating fancy cheese – no one’s told me about it.” He gestured for Meri to sit with him on the couch, then tried to rub his palms on his trousers without making it obvious they’d started sweating.
Meri sat on the couch, her movements unconsciously graceful as always. Maker’s breath, did she have any idea? No, she never had.
Alistair sat next to her, trying to ignore how big and awkward he felt, all sweaty palms and tangled up thoughts.
Meri groaned, sinking against the back of the couch. “Okay, so not the Orlesians, good. Who’s causing us trouble now?” Her lips curled into a sympathetic smile that melted his heart, and he had to remind himself to stop staring, keep breathing, and remember what words were.
“Take your pick. I don’t think there’s anyone in Thedas who isn’t trying to be our problem lately.” He was warmed by the easy way they fell into the plural, a team again, just like during the Blight. “But that’s not the point at the moment. Ignore the formal invitation. I just wanted to talk to you.” Alistair hesitated. If he were braver, he’d have taken her hand. But he’d never been brave when it came to her, had he? “I’m… worried about you, Meri.”
“Worried? Why?” She sat up, tucking her hair behind one ear and giving him a smile even he could see wasn’t genuine. “I’m fine.”
“Of course you are!” Alistair responded with false brightness. “And I’m just dying to meet with the Antivan ambassador tomorrow.”
The wan smile that spread across Meri’s face in response looked like she meant it, at least. “You really do need to be polite to him, though.”
Alistair rolled his eyes. “I will. Or, well, I’ll try. But that’s tomorrow’s problem.” He folded his arms with a mock stern frown. “Now stop changing the subject and admit that you’ve been sulking around for the past week.” He braced himself. “Since Teagan left.”
Meri flopped back against the couch, an arm over her face muffling her words. “I don’t want to talk about Teagan.”
Neither did Alistair. But they needed to. “Well… we could pretend that something else happened a week ago that’s put you in a bad mood ever since. Let’s see…” He raised a knuckle to his lips, pretending to think. “Someone stole your favorite shoes? Your mabari got fleas? The kitchens ran out of scones?”
Meri swatted him on the shoulder with the arm that had been over her face. Her striking green eyes looked a little damp and red, but her lips had drawn into an amused smirk that he counted as a partial victory. She sighed. “Fine, yes, I’m upset that Teagan left without… That he just left.” She inhaled sharply, almost a sniffle. “I thought that he… that we…” Meri shook her head, blinking rapidly. “I should have known better.”
She sounded so lost, so hopeless and rejected, that Alistair couldn’t help himself. Forgetting his hesitation and doubt, he caught her hand, her skin cool and smooth against his clumsy, calloused palm. “Meri, look at me.”
Startled, either by his touch or his serious tone, Meri tilted her head up, teary eyes meeting his warily.
“Okay, good…” Alistair took a steadying breath. “I need you to listen now. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to say this again.”
Her lips twitched, the tiniest hint of an amused smile, and Alistair felt a tiny surge of confidence. She hadn’t pulled her hand away, either.
“I don’t know what happened between you and Teagan. And, honestly, I don’t want to. Not in detail. But what I do know, as strongly as I’ve ever known anything, is that he made a mistake. He left. He gave up on… on you. And that’s the biggest mistake I can think of.” The flippant jokes he wanted to make froze in his throat, and instead he squeezed her hand tighter. “Meri, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You’re strong and generous and sweet and smart and… beautiful. Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are, Meri?”
She gaped at him, beautiful green eyes wide as her lips parted without any words emerging.
Alistair chuckled nervously before continuing. “And I mean, if I can see all of that, well, then, he has no excuse. If he can’t see how amazing you are, or if he can and walked away anyway…” He shook his head, swallowing. “Then Teagan didn’t deserve you. And you don’t need him. Meri, you deserve better. You deserve someone who will make you feel treasured and precious and every bit as wonderful as you are. Not someone who’s going to leave at the first inconvenience. Someone who really loves you would never leave you like that. I would never…”
His words ran out, finally, the traitorous things. If they were going to desert him, couldn’t they have done it before he’d said all of the things he wasn’t supposed to say and made a complete fool of himself? He ducked his head, feeling his cheeks warm with embarrassment.
“Oh…” Meri exhaled softly, somewhere between a word and a sigh.
Void take it, this had not been the plan. Alistair had been going to talk to her about Teagan, help her feel better about herself. Not make everything awkward and even worse by confessing he’d been in love with her since almost the moment he first saw her.
“Alistair?” Meri’s fingers were cool against his cheek, her touch almost as hesitant as the way she said his name.
He lifted his head, turning to meet her questioning gaze. He couldn’t refuse her anything.
Her brows were lowered, and she looked very thoughtful as her eyes scanned slowly over his face. But she didn’t seem upset or angry, at least. Alistair held very still, holding his breath as Meri studied him. He didn’t know what she was looking for, but he felt utterly exposed, almost trembling under the steady pressure of those green eyes.
Alistair felt trapped in a timeless moment filled with nothing but Meri’s eyes and the pounding of his own heart.
Eventually, her expression softened, a tiny smile lifting one corner of her mouth as she slowly shook her head. Her fingers still rested against his cheek. “All this time, and I never saw what was right in front of me?”
Alistair shrugged awkwardly, not sure what she wanted him to say. “I guess I’m pretty good at hiding things.”
Meri shook her head more firmly with a hint of a laugh. “No, you aren’t. I just wasn’t looking.” She stroked her fingers along his cheekbone. “But I’m looking now.”
Alistair’s mouth went dry, and every single thought flew from his head. He could do nothing but stare, frozen in disbelief, as Meri straightened on the couch and leaned towards him.
Her lips were soft against his, and her distinctive scent of lilacs surrounded him. Meriana Cousland filled up every part of his world in that moment, and all he could think was that he was the luckiest man in the world.
When Meri pulled back, she looked at him with a shy smile. Alistair’s mind reeled, still struggling to believe this could be real and not just a product of his hopeless imagination. Meri’s fingers, still resting lightly on the side of his face, grounded him. Her smile widened, and the easy, natural way she touched him dispelled the last of his doubts. Meri was here. Meri had kissed him.
“You know…” She tilted her head thoughtfully. “I think I had a dream like this once.”
“Really?” Alistair drew the word out, raising one eyebrow with a teasing grin.
Meri rewarded him with a laugh, slapping him lightly on the shoulder before leaning against his side, warm and comfortable and like she belonged there.