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Natasha stared into the glass as she swirled the last of her drink around the bottom. She was perched on a bar stool at some bar in Brooklyn that the hipsters had yet to infest. She was drinking Bourbon straight and losing herself for a moment. Memories played through her head, the ones she only occasionally allowed herself to retreat to. She never willingly thought of the Red Room. Some doors are better left closed. That wasn't exactly what her shrink at S.H.I.E.L.D. had recommended..but who knows if she was even one of the good guys? It was still hard to pinpoint in her career who had been a Hydra plant. The list of people she trusted had doubled..but it still hadn't exceeded a number that could be counted out on two hands.
She rolled the glass between her palms, an uncharacteristic restlessness taking hold of her. Today was just another day in the jumbled and tumultuous life of Natasha Romanov. This was her current life. The girl she had been in the Red Room was not who she was today...at least that is what she told herself. Was Natasha the S.H.I.E,L.D. agent her true identity? Nothing was real about S.H.I.E.L.D, just more proof of what happens when someone has too much power. Maybe that girl wasn't real either. She was just in hibernation waiting to start her true calling as a soldier. Her eyes glistened as her mask slipped slightly, revealing the woman beneath for just a moment to a room full of strangers. The thing about being a soldier is that your loyalty does not belong to you. You belong to a cause, the mission, the idea. Free will is restricted. This was the path she chose when she joined the Avengers Initiative.
The bartender gave her space but responded immediately to the slight nod towards her glass. As she toasted to a companion who wasn't there she downed a sip before placing the glass back on the polished wood bar.
"There you are."
"Hey, Steve. You found me."
"You called for someone to pick you up." Of course they would send Steve to pick her up instead of a driver.
"I supposed I did," she said, her rehearsed American accent slipping into a specifically Midwestern drawl for just a moment. She cocked her head at the bartender who brought a second drink over. As Steve reached into his pocket for his wallet the bartender put up his hands to refuse. She had been running a tab all night but Captain Stars 'n Stripes drinks for free. Typical.
"So, is this about Banner?"
She snorted and giggled. "God, I'm trying to forget that childish flight of fancy. Love is for children. It's immature...selfish, even greedy, for people like us. That isn't in the cards for me."
"What are you saying, Nat?" Steve Rogers was not quite sure what to do with a partially inebriated Black Widow so he did what he could and took a sip of his bourbon and sat on the bar stool next to her.
"You of all people, should understand, Steve. You should get it."
"I don't follow. Why should I get it? I've barely been on a date in seventy years, let alone in love."
"When I was on the run after defecting from the Red Room I had to keep a low profile so in between jobs this one time I ran with a group of gypsies. Gypsies are nomadic and also very shrewd about keeping their mouths shut for money so it was a perfect arrangement. I became quite close, as much as one could in that type of arrangement, with some of these Travelers and one night this girl who would tell fortunes for people asked to read mine."
Steve watched intently with the subtle mix of empathy and skepticism only he could pull off as genuine.
"I was a big believer in free will, but I thought it best to humor her. She told me that I had been many people and I would continue to change identities the way people change clothes. My path would never truly be my own. She also told me that I would soon meet my soulmate...The cliche is everyone says they don't believe in that kind of thing until they meet 'the one'. She looked at me with so much sympathy before she elaborated. It would not be so simple for me. I would have to be content to be by his side, but we would never be lovers."
Steve put a hand on her shoulder. "So...that was a bunch of superstition, right? I mean you're happy. You aren't broken by some man who rejected you, right? I mean Bruce could still come around.."
"I am happy, happier than I have ever been. I have a purpose, I feel like I am fighting on the right side now. I have a life I have some control over. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband to be complete. The Avengers are my mission now and it could change but for now I have no regrets here. Tell me, Cap, life dealt you a pretty shitty hand putting you on ice. Almost everyone you knew and loved before is dead. You had this window to be with the person you yearned for..but instead of seeing her, dating her, marrying her, having a family with her....you had to go stop the bad guys. You had to be angry, resentful, but do you regret it?"
"Well, I was angry, but I knew I had a purpose. I saved countless lives from death or tyranny."
"Soon after I left the gypsies I was on a job and my luck was running out. I thought it was the end. I was in way over my head. I was being hunted by multiple agencies. I didn't fear death, but I felt like there were things missing. There were things I needed to do."
"So, Nat, did you find your soul mate?" Steve asked, trying to lighten the conversation.
"Do you know what today is? It's the anniversary of the date I was spared by S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Barton had a bead on me...he saw something in me and spared my life. We used to celebrate this date every year. He gets a free pass for missing this year though. Nathaniel was born today. 8 lbs. 4 oz."
A smile tugged at her lips as she talked about Barton's offspring before her expression turned somber again. Natasha looked the Captain straight in the eye.
"There's things in this life more important than love. Commitment, honor, devotion, upholding your vows... It's easy to be greedy, to follow your heart, let passion overtake you but sometimes the greatest sacrifice you can make is letting go of the idea that you were meant to be half of something. Just because you love someone and they love you doesn't mean you get to be with them."
"I guess I do understand. The time that I came from we held those values a little closer than people do today." Steve took off his coat and draped it over her shoulders. She looked up. Chivalry was also an old fashioned value. "It's chilly out, why don't we head back to the tower and smoke a cigar for Barton."
Natasha smiled at Steve and put down some bills on the bar.
"Let's do that." The sacrifices she made for others didn't always seems worth it, but it was easier when she knew another person understood. Revealing her secret seemed freeing in some ways. It allowed a certain amount of closure and acceptance. Her story would not be remembered as the great romance, but as that of a hero. She didn't have to be a girlfriend, a wife or a mother to find meaning in her life...she was an Avenger.