Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sunoo wakes up in his empty apartment. It’s been a week since his home felt quiet. No more constant nagging, the infuriating side comments of how puffy his face looks after waking up every morning, or the incessant order to make the bed. Sunoo wakes up to the peaceful sound of the city slowly waking up outside the four walls he is occupying. However, by definition, his life isn’t so peaceful right now. His friends consider him a social person, but today Sunoo is surrounded by an emptiness that fills the room. 

No person would ever say that going through a breakup is easy. And while they reassure us that it can only get better from there, there’s not a lot of pep talk about what happens between being left by your lover and moving on. Sunoo is there right now, the in-betweens of getting your heart broken and getting a new one, and if he’s being honest, he has no idea how to navigate this maze-looking problem.

Sunoo starts by getting out of bed twenty minutes later. On his way out of his room, he sees the cactus plant that Jungwon gifted by the living room window. He has seen Jungwon’s shelf of green friends, and it should not be falling off its body. Sunoo looks at it for a minute, sees the space between the cracked soil, and debates if there’s a point in saving this or if there’s a point in everything at all. Maybe he’ll get some water from the sink after washing his face.

So he does that, socked feet walking to his bathroom sink and sees himself. If Sunoo can say one more honest thing, he’d say he looks like utter shit. Even worse than the barely hanging cactus from the living room. His eyes look barely slit open from the puffiness of his eyelids. He tries to open his eyes wider, testing if he can make it un-worse. Now he looks like a madman with bloodshot eyes. And is that dried mucus on the corner of his nose? Sunoo turns on the faucet and lets it run in the sink. He learns his lips are drier than the soil as tears start rolling down his face. God, not even an hour after waking up, the first thing he does is cry? He takes a lungful of breath and scoops some water into his hands, then splashes it on his face. He can’t tell which part is water and which part is his tears. But it’s okay. No one’s here to comment on how awful he looks right now. There’s no sound the running water needs to drown out. He’s learned how to cry without making a sound three months ago anyway.

Wiping his face with a towel that he hasn’t changed since last week, he picks up his toothbrush and stops midway. Sunoo has a lot of habits that not many people find endearing, but at least one of them is not forgetting to throw away old toothbrushes. He grimaces at the unhealthy amount of used toothbrushes, a little swamp of biome growing in the bottom of the cup. He’s not sure if he has ever found this part of him cute or if he’s just passive about it and the other flaws he overlooked, but now. He wants to hurl the cup away from his sight. And so he does that. After crying, the next thing he does is throw away the gross thing in the trash bin. He settles to cleaning his mouth with mouth wash instead. It’s not much, but it’s enough not to make people around him gag at the smell of his mouth.

Fortunately, as shitty as he feels and looks, he doesn’t feel bad enough not to eat. Last week Sunoo had it so much worse, though. But today, he manages to leave his apartment and walk to the nearest coffee shop. His outfit isn’t the most appealing he has worn—an oversized sweater that has dried snot at the sleeves, a pair of joggers he changed at the last minute in exchange for his pajamas. He forgets that the nearest coffee shop in mind is not a short walk. It’s been a while since he last came to get his usual latte there, ever since he commented on how his taste is sort of weird for liking their serving. So he hasn’t dropped by since then. But it’s a walk he needed anyway. Peaceful morning wind fills his nose; he doesn’t mind walking a few more blocks to get the coffee he didn't know he missed.

The familiar chime greets him as he pushes the door open. Four people are inside–him, two other customers, and one staff handling the bar.

Sunoo is happy to see that his favorite table by the window is not occupied. He sits on the brown upholstery and looks at the people walking outside. He wonders if one of them feels the same way he is feeling. He convinces himself that somebody out there is in the same state of affairs as he is. He feels sorry for them. Nobody should be going through what he is going through.

His train of thought breaks as a figure comes beside his table. He looks up and sees it’s the staff. He must be new, Sunoo thinks. There must be a lot that changed since his last visit.

“Hi, what can I get you?” The staff says. His nameplate says his name is Sunghoon.

“Uh,” Sunoo blinks away from his name. “Can I get a latte?”

Sunghoon looks at him in the eyes, and they linger there for a while. When it feels like it’s been a minute, Sunoo asks, “Is something wrong?”

Can Sunoo once again be honest? This Sunghoon guy looks like Sunoo just said something he shouldn’t say. Sunghoon looked like his life flashed before his eyes. He looks terrified. 

“I-no, nothing’s wrong!” Sunghoon straightens and looks at the paper in his hands and starts writing what must be Sunoo’s order and then stops. “How do you feel about an americano?”

Sunoo frowns and says, “Sorry, I don’t want an americano. I’d like to have a latte. Please.”

“Sorry. But we’re out of latte.” Sunghoon replies quickly.

“But you just opened?” Sunoo doesn't notice the change in his voice until he sees Sunghoon cringes a little.

“Sorry. Did I say we’re out of latte? Latte is so out of style, is what I meant!” Sunghoon forces out a laugh. “Americano is what’s trendy these days.”

Sunoo woke up in the worst way today, and he feels like the worst he’s been. He looks awful, he feels awful. He hasn’t known sleep since he left him a call that they’re over. And there’s nothing like forcing yourself to go out of your depressive mancave because no one will do it for you. Yet Sunoo’s here now, out of his apartment to supposedly make him feel better because he will get the latte he once was judged. And so what if he took that comment personally, but at least he’s here getting that damned latte in the hopes that it works. But here’s this guy named Sunghoon, telling him latte isn’t the shit anymore. So you see, you can’t blame Sunoo for what he’s about to do.

“I don’t care about that shit. I just want a latte,” Sunoo says, looking at Sunghoon dead in the eye.

Sunghoon takes that as a sign to write down his order finally and rushes to the back of the bar to make Sunoo’s latte. Sunoo doesn’t wonder why he was so against getting a latte and avoided it like the plague. His thoughts dwell on how he’ll have to drag himself out of this misery. There are things a cup of coffee can’t fix.

His friends, bless their hearts, try their best to make it better. But it’s always easier said than done. Sometimes a breath of fresh air means changing the clothes you haven’t washed in the last three days, fixing the hair that you haven’t showered. And it’s just a lot of work. It’s easy to say it gets better, and it’s even easier to let yourself spiral down.

But today, Sunoo gets his coffee, and that’s better than doing nothing.

Sunoo notices his order is taking long, considering only three customers are present. Just as he is about to stand up and follow up on his coffee, Sunghoon comes out from the bar with his order in hand and what he places on Sunoo’s table is the worst latte he has ever seen.

Sunghoon quickly puts down the order and says, “Here’s your coffee. Thank you,” and bolts away from Sunoo.

Sunoo is not sure whether this is a poor attempt at a latte heart or if it’s stolen from a kindergartener’s art project. Either way, there are no hearts in sight, only blobs of white surrounded by the brown liquid. Sunoo thinks this must be some sick joke.

Sunoo stands up now and goes to the counter. Sunoo isn’t hiding his annoyance, and it clearly shows when Sunghoon almost whimpers behind the bar.

“Are you pulling some prank on me?” Sunoo says in a way that doesn’t sound like a question. “Because I’m not in the mood for it.”

“I’m so sorry,” Sunghoon apologizes, “I can give you a refund for the trouble.”

Sunoo sighs. Why is life making it so hard to get one latte?

“It’s…” Sunghoon trails off, his hand reaching the back of his neck, “It’s my first day, and I’ve never made a latte heart before.”

Sunoo sighs deeper, “Why are you even here if you don’t know how to make a latte?”

“I’m not supposed to be handling the bar alone. I have to learn how to make the drinks first, but an emergency came up, and my senior will be late, so I had to fill in for him,” Sunghoon explains, “I was hoping no one would order a latte.”

“You don’t need to pay,” Sunoo waves him off, “Under that ugly heart, it’s still a latte anyway.”

Sunoo looks at his abomination of a latte and realizes the messed-up heart is fitting to the one in his chest and laughs at this thought. 

“I’m very sorry!” Sunghoon apologizes again. But Sunoo doesn’t mind it as much and goes back to his seat and drinks his coffee. He leaves once he’s finished, feeling a bit better before coming here.

The latte tasted better than it looked.

—

Two days later, Sunoo finds himself rummaging through the cupboards, looking for a new toothbrush after realizing he threw everything, including his. He contemplated using his index finger but he’s not that hopeless. Not yet anyway. He finds a bright yellow toothbrush and uses it.

Over the past two days, he’s made some sort of progress. He washed his hair and put some food in his stomach that wasn’t just a few bites of bread. He didn’t think the mundane tasks of a functional member of society would take so much from him, but no one told him his twelve-month-old relationship would end either. So there was no way he could have prepared himself for what he was to become. The point is, he’s trying, even if it’s the smallest of steps.

Speaking of things he isn’t prepared for, he still thinks about the coffee that kickstarted this search for relief to mend whatever is left of his heart. It’s not as bad as a few days ago, but he still thinks it could get better.

Maybe coffee will help. It did the last time.

So that’s how Sunoo takes the same steps back to the coffee shop at around the same time he visited a few days ago. There are only a few customers inside, but there are two staff around this time. He is unsure why, but Sunoo feels relieved because Sunghoon is behind the cash register. And he could have sworn Sunghoon’s face perked up when their eyes met.

Sunoo walks his way to his favorite spot, and it doesn’t take long before Sunghoon goes to his table to get his order. 

“Oh, it’s you again–” Sunghoon says and glances at the other staff, “--I mean, welcome to Café Zzang! What can I get you?” and looks again at his co-employee to check if he noticed his mistake. 

Sunoo raises his eyebrows and says, “I don’t remember you greeting me that way the last time I was here.”

Sunghoon puts an index finger in his mouth and shushes him, “My senior is here, so I have to act my best.”

Sunoo leans his back against the chair and says, “Well, give me your best latte then.”

“That’s not a problem!” Sunghoon reassures him brightly, “because my senior is here now. He can make the latte for you.”

“Aww,” Sunoo’s not sure why but he makes sure a pout can be felt in his words and says, “I was hoping you’d make it so I can see how much you improved since the last time I came here.”

“What, it’s only been two days!” Sunghoon replies defensively, his voice slightly rising. When he realizes this, he half- whispers, “I haven’t gotten the hang of it yet!”

“It can’t be that bad! It would be good practice for you,” Sunoo tells him. “And besides,” he says with a tinge of bitterness, “you can’t always depend on other people.” 

“Fine, I guess you’re right,” Sunghoon gives up, getting the paper pad from his back pocket. “You’re not going to leave if I screw this up, are you?”

“We’ll see.”

“Yeah and miss the chance of getting a slightly better latte?” Sunghoon teases. “May I please have your name so I can put it on the receipt? I didn’t get it the last time.”

“So what name did you put?”

“I was going to write ‘pretty boy’,” Sunghoon writes his order on the paper, not looking up. “But then I’d get in trouble, so I wrote my name instead.”

Sunoo doesn’t fight the scoff that comes out of his mouth. “‘I have a name. Sunoo. Kim Sunoo.”

“Gotcha,” Sunghoon says as he writes down his name. “Well, Sunoo. I hope you won’t have any expectations.”

I learned that the hard way , Sunoo thinks to himself.

“Excuse me?” Sunghoon asks and Sunoo realizes he blurted his thoughts out loud.

“Nothing!” Sunoo says, feeling his ears warming up, and Sunghoon chuckles before leaving. So much for thinking out loud.

Sunoo is on his table and fishes out his phone. He looks at the wallpaper and thinks he needs to change it and should probably delete all their photos. He selects all of the photos, one of them is a photo of them in the car, smiling; another is a photo of him under the rain, he was on his way to pick up Sunoo from his dance practice. They looked so happy then. Sunoo finds himself thinking if he’s doing the right thing. This was from months ago, Sunoo reminds himself. He stares at the delete button but he can’t bring himself to press it. He doesn’t know why. As painful as things are right now, these were happy memories. If he gets rid of it now, what proof does he have that it happened?

Mustering up the courage to delete the photos, Sunghoon arrives with his order so Sunoo puts down his phone and diverts his attention to him and the drink on his table. Sunghoon is looking at him expectantly waiting for his comment.

“If someone told me this was a heart,” Sunoo begins. “I would probably believe it. Probably.” The heart looks like a butt.

“That’s good enough for me!” Sunghoon cheers. Sunoo smiles back because it seems like Sunghoon’s smile is contagious.

“I’m glad to see you smiling more than the last time you came here,” Sunghoon says. Sunoo looks up, confused. “If you don’t mind me asking, are you doing okay? You look better than the last time but it still feels like there’s a lot on your mind.”

Sunoo takes a beat before he responds, “I’m sorry but that’s none of your business.”

“Right,” Sunghoon says. “Sorry for asking. Didn’t mean to intrude.”

“Sorry,” Sunoo says, feeling bad for lashing out at Sunghoon. “It’s okay. I just don’t want to talk about it. Thanks for checking up on me though.”

“No problem at all,” Sunghoon gives a smile that reassures him. “If you ever need to keep your mind off of things, you can always order a surprise latte from me.”

“Thanks,” and Sunoo means it. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Sunghoon smiles and returns to work. Sunoo drinks his latte and hums at how it’s still as good as the last time.

–

This time, it takes a while before Sunoo goes back to the coffee shop. It takes a week after he fell back into a slump and stayed home for some time.

Sunoo was doing fine, and then he wasn’t. He doesn’t sleep for days at a time and doesn’t bring to take care of himself. He was doing fine then he was reminded of overwhelming grief. And he was so, so, lonely.

So that’s how he got kicked back to square one. “Recovery sucks ass”, Sunoo says to himself as he gulps a spoonful of ice cream. It’s not even his favorite mint chocolate anymore.

What made Sunoo get back on his feet was seeing how much of a mess he spiraled back into. He looked worse than last week, and he had a good cry about it. He remembered what pulled him out of that bad place. It was a poorly shaped heart on a latte. He still doesn’t know how its wonders work, but it does the job. So he drags himself out of his apartment and walks to the coffee shop.

It’s pretty early when he gets there, and there are no other customers yet. Sunoo is surprised to see Sunghoon alone again. No one is in the bar, and he’s mopping the floor with his headphones on. Sunoo opens his mouth to greet him, but Sunghoon starts singing louder than he probably intends.

Sunoo recognizes the song. Sweet creature by Harry Styles. He isn’t sure what to do, but he doesn’t want to ruin Sunghoon’s moment, so he stays in his spot and watches Sunghoon belt out the chorus, “SWEET CREATURE, SWEET CREATURE–” he keeps singing, using the mop as his makeshift mic. “You bring me hooOOO–OH MY GOD,” Sunghoon almost screams as he turns and looks at Sunoo, trying his best not to laugh.

“No, no, keep going,” Sunoo encourages him.

“HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE,” Sunghoon asks, afraid to know the answer.

“Long enough to see the show,” Sunoo answers between laughs.

Sunghoon removes the headphones from his ears and says, “I can’t help it. It’s such a good song!”

“It is! It’s one of my favorites!” Sunoo agrees.

“You like Harry Styles too?” Sunghoon asks. Sunoo stops himself from snorting at the way he asked as if Harry Styles is some underground artist that he’s not supposed to know.

“I liked him since he was in 1D!”

“1D? What’s that? Is that some kind of survival show?”

Sunoo cannot believe what he is hearing,

“That’s the group he was in for years! How do you know Harry Styles and not One Direction?!” Sunoo asks in disbelief.

“Well, I just found one of his songs on Spotify, and I’ve been a fan since. I don’t know anyone else who likes his songs.”

“You must not know a lot of people,” Sunoo comments.

“I-what-well. What about it!” Sunghoon stutters and Sunoo laughs. “By the way, I have gotten a lot better at making latte hearts since we last saw each other.”

“That explains why they trust you to be alone again.”

“Hey!” Sunghoon says defensively. “Come on. I’ll make you the usual.”

“I trust you won’t disappoint me then.”

Sunghoon rushes to the back of the bar to make his latte while Sunoo waits for him at his usual spot.

While waiting, Sunoo looks again at his phone. His new wallpaper–a photo of the sky he took last week, greets him when he unlocks it open. But when he scrolls down his phone gallery, he sees the same photos from months ago. He selects them again and stares at the delete button with his thumb barely touching the screen. 

Before he can think any further, Sunghoon surprises him as he puts down his order, and Sunoo accidentally presses the button and deletes everything he selected. For days he’s been entertaining the idea of deleting them, but he’s never had the courage to do it, and just like that, it’s gone.

The panic must have shown on Sunoo’s face because Sunghoon asks, “Is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I was just startled,” Sunoo says as he locks his phone. He knows this doesn’t convince Sunghoon, but he doesn’t pry, which Sunoo is thankful for.

He focuses his attention on the cup before him. Sunghoon was right. It looked way better than last week.

“Now, this is a heart!” Sunoo says. “It’s wobbly. But still a heart! I’m impressed.”

Sunghoon’s ears turn noticeably pink and suddenly don’t meet Sunoo’s eyes. “I swear I’m better than this. I got nervous because you were the one who ordered.”

Sunoo doesn’t know what to feel, but it isn’t unpleasant. He lingers on this a bit longer. “Don’t worry, I believe you.”

“Okay,” Sunghoon smiles, but he wants to say something more.

Sunoo notices the hesitation, so he asks, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“Ah, nothing! I just wanted to ask–” Sunoo doesn’t hear the rest of Sunghoon’s words as he starts mumbling to himself.

“Ask what?”

“I just wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out sometime. If you’re free. As you can tell, I don’t have many friends. You seem like a nice guy. It would be cool if we could hang out. Only if you want to. But it’s okay if you won’t. It’s totally fine. Forget I asked.” Sunghoon blurts it all and then turns to walk back to the bar.

Sunoo laughs and says, “Of course, I’d love to hang out!”

Sunghoon doesn’t turn back to look at him, but Sunoo can tell he is smiling. When he finally faces Sunoo, he smiles and says, “Thanks. I can’t wait.”

Chapter Text

Sunoo realizes they never settled when they’d hang out, so he goes to the coffee shop two days later, around the same time, expecting Sunghoon to be there, as always.

When he arrives, he doesn’t hide the disappointment that it isn’t Sunghoon behind the bar. Sunoo looks around and learns he isn’t elsewhere in the shop either. But he goes to his usual table anyway, hoping Sunghoon would come out, but his co-staff comes and gets his order instead.

“Hi! What can I get you today?” He asks with a toothy grin. It must have shown on Sunoo’s face that he’s looking for someone because he asks him, “Are you looking for something?”

Sunoo catches his nameplate. His name is Heeseung.

“Uh. I was used to someone else getting my order,” Sunoo says.

“Ah, you must be looking for Sunghoon,” Heeseung says, and Sunoo perks up by the sound of his name. “He’s taking a day off.”

“Oh, I see.”

So Sunoo is left with his coffee–an americano he doesn’t plan to drink. He tells himself that that’s what happens when you don’t get a person’s number. He wouldn’t be disappointed now if he knew Sunghoon would be out today. How would he ask for his number anyway? He has no idea, so he guesses he should just wallow in his sorrow.

The door chimes, and someone comes inside. Sunoo looks up and sees Sunghoon walks in and greets Heeseung in the bar. Sunghoon scans the room as if he was looking for something. When his gaze meets Sunoo’s, Sunghoon’s face lights up into a wide smile, walks toward him.

It’s the first time Sunoo has seen Sunghoon outside of his work clothes. He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt and a light blue denim jacket over it. His black leather boots match the black of his pants that contrast with the pale silver of his hair. Sunoo is an honest man, and he knows when a person looks good. And Sunghoon looks really good. It makes Sunoo smile even more.

“Hey, you’re here. I was hoping I’d see you.” Sunghoon breaks him away from his thoughts. “We didn’t get to exchange numbers, so I couldn’t tell you I’d be free today.”

“Let’s change that then,” Sunoo says as he hands Sunghoon his phone so he can save his number, and Sunghoon happily complies, giving Sunoo his phone as well. When Sunoo gets his phone back, he sees that Sunghoon registered his number under “Handsome café Boy.” Sunoo tries to fight back the smile that threatens to spill from his mouth and rolls his eyes.

Sunghoon must have seen the americano on his table because he asks, “You got an americano?”

“I wanted to spice things up…?” Sunoo says, shrugging.

“Well, that’s the wrong way to do it. How about we go out and have some fun?”

“Right now? To where?”

“Anywhere you want,” Sunghoon answers and leans against one of the chairs and almost falls.

The fact that he let Sunoo decide shouldn’t have been a big deal to him if he didn’t always dismiss Sunoo’s suggestions. He probably didn’t mean to do it most of the time, did he? But every time he did, Sunoo couldn’t help but feel that what he thought would be nice for them didn’t matter. Like that time when Sunoo half-jokingly said it would be nice to get ice cream in the middle of a rainy weather. He had hoped he would play along, but his reaction made Sunoo think why did he even bothered to make a joke.

“Well, there is this ice cream shop I’ve always wanted to try,” Sunoo says.

“Let’s go then!”

They walk their way to the ice cream shop since it’s just a couple of blocks away. The walk was quiet and comfortable. Sunoo appreciates how he doesn’t feel pressured to fill the silence.

Sunoo spots a flock of pigeons and out of the blue, Sunoo feels a burst of energy. He runs where the birds are, raising both of his hands in the air in a wing-like formation. Lifting his right leg from the ground, he looks like he’s about to do some martial arts move. No pigeon is spared from Sunoo as they fly away from his presence.

It dawns upon him how he looks now, and he immediately drops his hands. He turns to Sunghoon to apologize, but he sees Sunghoon throwing his head back, laughing. And without saying anything else, Sunghoon rushes to his side and does the same pose, scaring more pigeons away.

Sunghoon looks at Sunoo, grinning as he says, “We really scared those pigeons, huh?”

“You don’t think it’s silly?” Sunoo asks.

“I guess it is,” Sunghoon answers, “but there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Sunoo smiles in relief and says, “Let’s go! The ice cream shop is right there.”

When they arrive outside the ice cream shop, Sunoo remembers it the same way he saw it the first time on his way home. It’s a small white parlor by the sidewalk. There’s a giant ice cream cone by the door that is hard to miss. One would automatically know what is in store for them.

Sunghoon opens the door for him, and Sunoo steps inside. Because the place is small in size, Sunoo sees the array of flavors right away, and he tries his best not to jump in joy. He already knows what he’s getting.

“I’ll get the coffee one,” Sunghoon tells the cashier behind the ice cream display.

Sunoo turns to him and says, “Wow, that is so cliche of you. You work in a coffee shop, and you like coffee ice cream.”

Sunghoon puts a hand on his chest, feigning hurt, and says, “What are you ordering then since you’re so judgemental about my choice of flavor?”

Sunoo turns to the cashier and says, “One mint chocolate, please.”

From his peripheral vision, he can tell Sunghoon made a confused face. “Mint Choco? That can’t be good.”

“It’s my favorite,” Sunoo says.

The next face Sunghoon makes next is a face of regret. “That can’t be good…it can only be great!” Sunghoon says a little too brightly.

Sunoo rolls his eyes and accepts his ice cream. He makes a pleased noise as he takes a bite of the desert.

“You make it look like that’s the best flavor in the world,” Sunghoon comments. “It kinda makes me want to try it.”

Sunoo scoops some ice cream and points the spoon in his direction. “Here, have a bite,” Sunoo says. Sunghoon blinks at the spoon and at him, but he does as he’s asked and eats from Sunoo’s spoon.

Sunghoon makes a face that clearly shows he does not enjoy it. But he forces a smile that’s breaking at the sides and says, “Hm! Delicious!”

“You are obviously lying!”

“I don’t get it, but I respect your questionable choice.”

“That’s fine by me!” Sunoo says, satisfied.

Sunghoon sighs and says, “I guess we can’t all be perfect,” and earns a slap on the arm from Sunoo.

He appreciates that Sunghoon doesn’t force himself to like what he likes. It’s enough for him that he tried, and even though he doesn’t understand it, he lets Sunoo enjoy it anyway. As simple as respecting a choice of ice cream flavor, he can’t help but feel some of the knots in his chest untying themselves.

They go to a table by the window, and Sunghoon pulls a chair out and lets Sunoo take a seat. Sunoo wonders if Sunghoon knows how that’s so nice of him.

Sitting across each other, he smiles as he enjoys Sunghoon’s company. He notices when Sunghoon smiles wide enough, a hint of his dimple pops on his cheek. He finds it endearing that Sunghoon used to figure skate but was shy around the girls he trained with. Yet here they are. He took the chance and got to know Sunoo, no sign of the shy kid he used to be.

“How about you? What did you use to enjoy?” Sunghoon asks.

“It’s boring,” Sunoo says, licking his spoon, “you wouldn’t want to hear about it.”

“I don’t mind. I just want to know more about you.”

Sunoo doesn’t fight the flush that blooms on his cheek and smiles. “Well, I used to like singing. I even thought I’d be a singer. But that was a long time ago.”

When Sunghoon smiles and says nothing for a while, Sunoo freaks out and says, “What?”

“I know where we’re going next.”

— 

“You’re insane,” Sunoo tells him as soon as he sees the karaoke sign outside the bar.

“And I want to hear you sing,” Sunghoon says.

Usually, Sunoo would panic when he is faced a situation he’s not prepared for or did not foresee. But for some reason, he’s not scared. Sunoo says, “Only if you sing with me!”

“I’m going to embarrass myself for the second time, but fine. It’s a deal. If it means I get to hear you,” Sunghoon accepts the deal, and they both head inside.

Sunghoon decides to order some drinks while they settle into their karaoke room, and Sunoo is excited to drink them. He has rarely gone out with his friends, and it’s been a while since he has allowed himself to have some fun.

“You’re not underaged, are you?” Sunghoon asks jokingly.

Sunoo laughs and waves his hands, “No, I’m twenty-one, actually.”

“Oh? You’re younger than me?” Sunghoon says, his tone is surprising. Sunoo thinks it’s adorable.

“How old are you, then?” Sunoo asks.

“I’m only twenty-two,” Sunghoon answers.

“I see. I guess I have to call you ‘hyung’ now, huh?” Sunoo says, almost teasing.

Sunghoon doesn’t say anything, and Sunoo notices his ears are a bit pink and turns away as if he realized something embarrassing.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Sunoo grins even wider at this sight. “Okay, hyung.”

—

They take time going through the list of songs. Sunoo sees a few genres he’d like to try, maybe a ballad or an RnB song, but before he gets the chance to decide, Sunghoon interrupts and says, “Okay. How do you feel about a fun rap?” When Sunoo makes a face, Sunghoon continues, “You’ll sing, and I’ll rap!”

“Hey! The deal was that you have to sing with me!” Sunoo protests.

“It is singing! Minus the tune, of course. Besides, I’ve always wanted to try rapping,” Sunghoon says. 

Sunghoon presses the code in the machine and an upbeat intro of Yours by Raiden and Chanyeol starts playing instantly. Sunoo takes a deep breath. He doesn’t remember when is the last time he allowed himself to sing.

It’s not that he was critical of Sunoo’s singing. In fact, that’s one of the things he loves–loved–about Sunoo. But he was so critical of every other thing Sunoo did, so he was scared that he would eventually have something to say about it. and Sunoo wouldn’t be able to take it.

He’s not here anymore, Sunoo reassures himself. I can do this.

But in the back of his mind, he knows he does not have to be here. He remembers when he said Sunoo’s singing doesn’t sound like his voice. “You’ve got a great voice, it’s almost too good for someone like you,” he once said. Just like everything Sunoo did, he always felt like he wasn’t capable of doing them. How does Sunoo know he can do this now?

Sunoo opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. The song has already started, and he can’t bring himself to begin. He looks down on his mic, embarrassed he can’t do something so simple.

“I-” Sunoo says, “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Is everything alright?” Sunghoon asks, putting a hand on Sunoo’s shoulder and looking at him with concern.

“Yeah, I guess I’m just nervous.” Bracing for Sunghoon to make fun of him, Sunoo takes a breath, but to his surprise, he doesn’t. Instead, he just gives Sunoo a reassuring smile.

“That’s alright. You don’t have to do it if it makes you nervous,” Sunghoon tells Sunoo. “I’d love to hear you sing one day, but for now, let’s just have fun, okay?”

Sunoo doesn’t know how to process this. He expected the worst, but Sunghoon didn’t push Sunoo into doing something he was not ready to do. This kind response makes Sunoo’s chest swell in a good way.

“Oh! My part is coming up!” Sunghoon says excitedly.

Sunoo almost forgets they are doing a duet and giggles at how excited Sunghoon is to rap. Sunoo feels the same excitement to hear him too.

“Well, if you’re not going to sing, I guess I’ll dedicate this rap to you!” Sunghoon says before delivering the most off-beat rap known to man. It doesn’t even sound like he’s rapping. He’s just saying the words really fast.

Sunoo tries to hold his laughter and gives Sunghoon the loudest claps. Somehow, the doubt resting on Sunoo’s shoulders starts to lift. Without a second thought, he picks up the mic and starts to sing.

As easy as that, Sunoo realizes how much he missed singing. It was like meeting an old friend. No, it was much more than that. He was breathing again after holding his breath for so long.

Sunoo gets so lost in singing that when the song ends, his eyes meet Sunghoon’s that is staring at him in awe.

As soon as Sunoo stops, a tear starts to roll down his cheek. This snaps Sunghoon out of the trance Sunoo put him in and immediately rushes to comfort Sunoo.

“Are you alright?” Sunghoon asks, looking all over Sunoo to check if he’s hurt. “That was beautiful! It’s one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard, honestly…But are you alright? "You didn't have to sing if it made you uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want.”

He says this softly and with so much kindness that it almost makes Sunoo want to tear up even more.

Sunoo wipes his tears away and gives Sunghoon a soft smile. “Don’t worry, I’m not uncomfortable at all. It’s just been so long since I tried singing. It feels really good, hyung,” Sunoo says.

Sunghoon sighs and relief and returns Sunoo’s smile, his hand not leaving Sunoo’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you do. I–” Sunghoon pauses and gives Sunoo a serious look, and says, “I don’t want to intrude, but I feel you’ve needed to feel good for a while. You don’t need to tell me anything, but I’m glad you feel good.”

Sunoo doesn’t know what to say. He’s been walking on eggshells for a while. But now Sunghoon, who doesn’t even know him that well, gives him so much kindness and expects nothing in return. It’s almost too good to be true. Nobody would treat him this kindly. Not even someone he thought knew him so well.

Maybe he’s just kind because he doesn’t know me yet, Sunoo thinks. Sunoo catches himself before thinking further. He feels guilty for assuming the worst about somebody who’s been nothing but kind to him.

But who could blame Sunoo? He was nice at the beginning too. What makes this any different?

“Thanks,” Sunoo says, colder than he expected.

Sunghoon looks worried again, but he doesn’t pry. Instead, Sunghoon smiles at him and says, “Come on, let’s go somewhere else.”

“Actually, I think I want to go home,” Sunoo says.

“Oh, okay,” Sunghoon says, a bit of disappointment showing in his voice. “Let me walk you home, then.”

“No, you don’t have to. I know the way–”

“I insist! I want to make sure you’re safe. I brought you here, after all,” Sunghoon says, and Sunoo can’t bring himself to say no. Not when he looks so sincere and genuinely worried.

“Fine, let’s go.”

After grabbing their things and making sure nothing was left, they start to walk home.

Just like at the start of the day, the walk was silent. Only this time, there is a bit of uneasiness. At least that’s what Sunoo thinks. They don’t talk the whole way home.

“Well, here’s my stop,” Sunoo tells him. He feels like he should say something more but he doesn’t want to. He’s tired and he just wants to stay in bed for a long time.

“Thank you for going out with me today. I had a lot of fun,” Sunghoon finally says.

There’s no bitterness in his voice despite Sunoo ruining the mood at the end.

“I…I had fun too. I really did. Thanks.”

“Don’t feel bad, okay? I’m sure you have a lot going on so just let yourself feel what you need to feel, okay?” Sunghoon says as if reading Sunoo’s mind. Sunoo just nods and waves him goodbye.

As he enters the door of his apartment, his phone chimes.

Handsome Café Boy: Let’s do this again next time! (^o^)/

With no one around, Sunoo lets himself smile.

—

The next day, Sunoo goes back to the coffee shop. As soon as he walks in, he is greeted by the warmest smile by Sunghoon. Sunoo couldn’t help but return it.

“I was worried you wouldn’t come back,” Sunghoon says.

“Why wouldn’t I? Where else would I get Korea’s worst latte heart?” Sunoo says, smiling.

“Ha-ha, very funny,” Sunghoon crosses his arms, pretending to be offended, but his smile says otherwise. “I was thinking about it last night, and I thought that, maybe, I ruined our dat–hang out yesterday.”

Sunoo raises his eyebrow but pretends not to notice his slip up.

“No, no, that was all me,” Sunoo says, “I was worried you’d look at me differently after yesterday. Honestly, I was having second thoughts about showing up, but I feel like I at least owed you an apology for ruining our date.”

Realizing what he just said, Sunoo’s face warms up. By definition, it probably was a date, right? Sunoo doesn’t mind calling it one, but he’s unsure how Sunghoon feels.

“I’m sorry, I-I mean–”

Before he can finish, Sunoo looks up to Sunghoon, whose face is just as red as his.

“Ah, no! You didn’t ruin anything at all! I’m really happy to see you again. I’m glad you came back,” Sunghoon says.

They just look at each other in comfortable silence. It’s like the two of them are the only people in the room, and Sunoo appreciates that. His guards are still up, but he’s starting to feel like Sunghoon could help drop them one by one.

Somebody coughs behind them and says, “I’d hate to break whatever it is going on here, but Sunghoon, you’re at work,” Heeseung reminds Sunghoon.

This brings them both back to reality. Sunghoon apologizes, but Heeseung doesn’t seem too bothered about it.

“I gotta get back to work. Latte, as usual?” Sunghoon asks Sunoo which makes him smile.

“I’d want nothing else, hyung,” Sunoo nods.

When Sunoo receives his latte, a perfectly shaped latte heart greets him.

—

Sunoo naturally becomes a regular after that day. He’d go to the cafe every free time he got and even started hanging out with Sunghoon outside of his work hours. Sunoo’s been doing better than he was the past few months and there’s no denying that Sunghoon was a big part of it.

Sunghoon makes him feel like it’s okay to try to get better.

Sunghoon wasn’t just a part of his day. Sometimes he’d catch himself thinking about him in the most random moments. One time he saw a snail on his way back to his apartment and it reminded him of Sunghoon. The slime trail it left reminded him of the terrible latte heart SH made the first time they met.

Sunoo: Doesn’t this look like the latte hearts you used to make?

Handsome café boy : I’ve always made perfect latte hearts, what are you talking about?

 ( ˘▽˘)っ♨

Sunoo: If that was perfect I’d hate to see what anything less than perfect would look like ^^,

Handsome café boy : Too bad you’ll never know since I never make anything less than perfect

Sunoo: You’re not the only one who makes lattes, you know

Handsome café boy: But I’m the only one who makes your lattes! You’re not cheating on me with some other cafe, are you???

That’s just one of their silly conversations that never fails to make Sunoo laugh. Sunghoon always brightens his day.

Sunoo stares at their conversation for a bit. It’s not unlike their previous conversations. He is always happy to talk to Sunghoon. But it feels like everything is too good to be true. The bitterness of the past few months still lingered, even when times were great. And Sunghoon, who’s always managed to catch every time something’s off, he must have noticed too, because he’d always ask if everything was alright. And every time, Sunoo would either try to change the subject or lash out at Sunghoon, which he felt incredibly guilty for. But Sunghoon never lets Sunoo feel like he has to be.

This is too good to be true, Sunoo thinks. And all good things always come to an end. He wonders how long this would last.

—

The next time they go out is to get some street food. Sunghoon knows a place that sells some good tteokbokki. And Sunoo is more than happy to come with him.

Right after getting their food, Sunghoon puts one in his mouth and realizes it’s hotter than he can handle. Sunoo laughs as he watches him try to blow the heat off from inside his mouth.

He doesn’t realize how or when, but Sunghoon starts to look incredibly handsome to him. Sunoo knows Sunghoon is an attractive person but was he ever this attractive? And why is he thinking about this when Sunghoon is doing arguably the most unattractive thing at the moment.

Sunghoon manages to swallow the steaming tteokbokki in his mouth and both of them laugh at what just happened. Sunghoon proceeds to get another one, this time blowing on it first. Sunoo stares at Sunghoon as he does this.

Sunghoon notices and smiles.

“Is there something in my face?” Sunghoon asks, reaching for the tissue on the table.

“Ah, no…sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” Sunoo says.

“That’s alright. I like it when I have your attention,” Sunghoon says and Sunoo looks at him. He expects Sunghoon to look smug after saying something like that, but he sees Sunghoon looking down at his feet instead, blushing. And before Sunoo can stop it, heat is rising upon his cheeks.

“Well, you don’t have to try too hard for that,” Sunoo says, looking away.

They continue to sit there in comfortable silence. There are a lot of moments like that with them. Sunoo talks, and Sunghoon listens. And when Sunoo likes to keep quiet, Sunghoon is okay with that too. At first, he didn’t notice it, but Sunoo feels at ease with Sunghoon even if it was just to exist next to him.

“I actually have something to say to you,” Sunghoon says.

“Oh? What is it, hyung?”

Sunghoon plays with his thumb, avoiding Sunoo’s eyes.

“Would it be alright if we go somewhere private? I promise it’ll be quick,” Sunghoon says.

“Sure. Is everything alright?”

“Don’t worry. It isn’t anything to worry about,” Sunghoon nods. They both head to a park not too far away from the tteokbokki stand they were at, but it’s far away enough from the crowd to get some privacy.

“So, what did you want to tell me?”

Sunghoon looks at him in the eyes this time and says, “I like you.”

Sunoo blinks twice, wondering if he heard him right.

“I like you a lot,” Sunghoon repeats.

When it finally dawns on him what Sunghoon just said, Sunoo doesn’t know what to feel. His heart is fluttering. He’s happy to hear how Sunghoon feels about him. But does Sunoo want to go anywhere beyond what they have now? He is not sure. What if he’s only saying this because he doesn’t know the real Sunoo?

This has happened before with him, after all, and look at where it ended? But if he doesn’t give Sunghoon an answer, will he pull away?

“Sunghoon-hyung…I-I-”

Sunghoon shakes his head and smiles. “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer,” he says.

Sunoo looks at him, confused.

“I like how things are right now, I really do,” Sunghoon says, smiling reassuringly, ”but I feel like it would be unfair of me to hide my feelings from you. I want you to know that I think of you this way but I don’t want you to give me an answer right away.”

Sunghoon’s hand reaches Sunoo’s shoulder and pats it, “Whatever it is you decide, know that I wouldn’t look at you any differently.”

Sunoo looks at him in disbelief. Maybe he’s just saying that so Sunoo doesn’t feel pressured at this moment. But who’s to say he wouldn’t stop talking to him when he finds out Sunoo might not give him what he wants? Sunoo has seen this all before.

He would give Sunoo choices to choose from but would lash out when he didn’t choose what he wanted. Sunghoon was probably just saying that out of respect. Maybe he was saying that so Sunoo would have more time to think of the “right answer.”

“I need more time to think,” Sunoo finally says.

Expecting Sunghoon to lash out or feel annoyed, it surprises Sunoo when he just nods in understanding.

“Of course. Shall we head back?”

They continue with their night as if nothing had happened. But Sunoo can’t shake off what just happened. He’s going to have to face this one way or another. But he doesn’t want to.

And so, when Sunoo finally heads back to his apartment, he finds very little motivation to get back out.

He doesn’t leave for a week. His phone has been buzzing over the past few days, but he refuses to check it. Sunoo knows who they’re from, anyway. And he doesn’t want to face it right now–or ever.

Just like that, Sunoo is back to where he started, alone and miserable in his apartment. 

Days pass by and it feels like he hasn’t moved for months. It’s like all those progress of feeling better doesn’t matter anymore. 

Why does it matter, anyway? He’s going to leave me either way. Sunoo tries to reassure himself. I’m just giving him a head start. That way, it’ll be less painful for both of us.

Oddly enough, his phone hasn’t stopped buzzing since last week. Sunoo was sure Sunghoon would get tired by now. He stares at his phone, contemplating whether he should just get this over with and check the messages.

Perhaps they were angry messages. Maybe it’ll make it easier if I see that he’s angry with me Sunoo thinks, rationalizing his curiosity. 

He paces around his apartment, thinking about what he should do. Finally, he decides just to check the messages. 

He starts with the earliest message and begins scrolling down the messaging app.

Handsome café boy: Hey, I hope you got home safe! And seriously, don’t mind what I said, okay? ^^;;

Handsome café boy: You weren’t in the cafe today! Not that you always have to be, but you never said anything, so I wondered if everything’s fine?

Handsome café boy: I haven’t heard from you in a while. I’m starting to worry. I hope you’re alright, Sunoo-yah

Most of his other messages said almost the same thing. Always asking Sunoo was alright. 

Handsome café boy: I don’t want to assume anything, but if it has anything to do with what I said, I’m so sorry. I hope we can talk soon. 

Handsome café boy: I’m not mad at you, okay? Maybe I came off too strong, and that pushed you away. I’m really sorry. Please let me know if you’re alright.

He prepared himself for any nasty messages, but he found none of those. They were all messages of concern. Not an angry tone in any of them.

Sunoo’s heart dropped after reading his messages. How could he still keep his kindness, even after what Sunoo did? And how could Sunoo do this to someone like him? I don’t deserve him at all.  

This pushes Sunoo to get up and finally face Sunghoon. He isn’t sure how Sunghoon will take it when he sees him, but he owes him that much.

Maybe Sunghoon will be angrier in person. Sunoo is a little nervous about that. The last thing he wants is Sunghoon to hate him., but he wouldn’t blame him if he did. At this point, he’s scared, scared of what’s going to happen when he goes to see him in person after a little more than a week of ghosting him. It doesn’t matter. He can’t just hide in his apartment like he used to. Sunghoon, of all people, doesn’t deserve that. And if Sunoo has to feel Sunghoon’s anger, then Sunoo must deserve that.

Sunoo’s pace becomes slower and slower as he approaches the coffee shop. It is early in the morning, and he hopes Sunghoon will be there like always. And he is.

There was only one other person, apart from Sunghoon, in the cafe. Sunghoon is fiddling with his phone at the counter, looking troubled.

“Welcome to Cafė ZZa–” He says and stops when he realizes who came in. “Sunoo-yah!” He almost shouts as he rushes towards him and gives Sunoo the tightest hug.

“I was worried sick,” Sunghoon says when they break apart.

“I’m sorry I–”

“Wait, take a seat. You look tired,” Sunghoon says and leads Sunoo to his favorite spot. “Let me make you some coffee, and then we can talk, okay?” he says before rushing to the back of the bar.

Sunoo sits there, thinking about what just happened. He was expecting Sunghoon to at least look disappointed or annoyed. But he wasn’t. When Sunoo believes the worst of him, Sunghoon always proves him wrong.

Sunoo feels even worse for this. How could he think so badly of Sunghoon when he’s always been good to him?

Sunghoon places Sunoo’s coffee in front of him and sits on the chair across from Sunoo. It’s a latte with a perfectly shaped heart. It felt like forever since he’s had his latte.

“So…” Sunghoon starts.

“I’m sorry,” they both say at the same time. They both look shocked.

“No, I…I shouldn’t have told you anything. If I knew it would make you uncomfortable I never would have–”

“I should be the one saying sorry,” Sunoo says, “you don’t deserve to be treated the way I treated you. You did everything you could to make me comfortable and I repaid you that way.”

“It’s oka–”

“No, it’s not!” Sunoo accidentally raises his voice. Tears are running down his cheeks now. Some, fall to the latte on the table, ruining the perfectly good heart.

“I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that,” Sunoo apologizes, “but I’m serious, stop trying to be nice to me even when I did something wrong. Stop apologizing for something that clearly isn’t your fault.”

Sunghoon is quiet.

At first, Sunoo thought that he said that because if Sunghoon was mad it would be easier for Sunoo to move on. But then he realized, Sunghoon reminded him of how he used to be. How he used to say sorry for things that he had no control over. How, even when he was treated like literal shit, he still tried to see the good in people. He couldn’t bear the thought of Sunghoon experiencing what he felt, especially from him.

“Please,” Sunoo continues between the tears, “stop putting my feelings over yours. It’s okay to feel angry with me.”

Sunghoon doesn’t answer for a bit. He looks out the window as he starts to talk.

“I suppose I was mad,” Sunghoon says, “no, I was angry that you just left me like that.”

Sunghoon is clearly holding back his tears.

“I wondered if the idea of me liking you was so repulsive that you’d choose to leave me just like that.”

“No, it’s not like that at all–”

“Then what was it?” Sunghoon says this in a tone that Sunoo has never heard from him before. He is upset.

“I was scared…I was scared you’d leave me if I didn’t give you what you wanted,” Sunoo answers.

“Why would I do that?” Sunghoon says, shocked, “I like you, yes, but I value our friendship more than anything else. You’re important to me, and I want you to be happy.”

Sunghoon is looking at Sunoo dead in the eye this time. His voice is trembling like he was frustrated that Sunoo wouldn’t know something so simple.

“I know that. I’ve always known, actually,” Sunoo says. “It’s just that I didn’t have the best experience with…love.”

Sunoo says the last word hesitantly, unsure if that’s what he would call it.

“I’m used to people breaking my promises. I’m used to expecting the worst from people when it comes to these things. So of course I was still doubtful about your intentions.”

Sunghoon doesn’t look upset anymore. Concern replaces the frown in his face.

“You’re a good person, hyung, I of all people should know that. But I’m not. I don’t think I deserve someone like you. I don’t think it’s fair for you to like someone like me,” Sunoo says, fighting the trembling in his lips.

Sunghoon sighs and puts a hand on top of Sunoo’s.

“Stop saying that,” his voice was stern again. Sunoo looks at him, confused.

“I understand now why you’d put your guard up and think the worst of me. And I know that you’re trying not to,” Sunghoon says, “but I hope you’d do the same for yourself.”

Sunghoon rubs his thumb on the back of Sunoo’s hand.

“You’re not a bad person, Sunoo. I wouldn’t like you the way I do if you were. You’ve had to deal with a lot of bad things but you aren’t bad,” Sunghoon says, a kind smile returning to his face, “the fact that you came here, the fact that you told me to be honest with my feelings even if it meant hurting you, those are only a few of the things that make you good.”

And Sunoo tries to believe him but it’s hard to change what he’s been conditioned to feel about himself. Not when it’s all he’s known. But Sunghoon seems like he wants to help him change that.

“I’ll always be here to remind you of how good you are, as your friend or otherwise. You deserve to be loved. Even if you don’t return my feelings, I’ll never regret having them for you.”

“I-I can’t return them,” Sunoo says sadly, “at least, not yet.”

Sunghoon smiles and nods. He says, “That’s alright. And if it’s fine with you, I’d like to stay friends. You mean a lot to me.”

“Of course. You mean a lot to me too.”

Sunoo feels the weight off his shoulders. He’s able to breathe a lot easier now. Of course, Sunghoon would take it well. Suddenly all his doubts about him felt silly. He was never that kind of person, to begin with. And he’s grateful for that. He is grateful that he’s patient with Sunoo, as he tries to get himself back upon his feet, always reassuring him that Sunghoon is behind Sunoo if he stumbles and falls. Sunghoon is one of the few good things in Sunoo’s life, and he doesn’t want to let go of him. And if it’s selfish for him to do so, maybe he’ll allow himself to be selfish this time.

For now, he’s just ready to start over. To begin again.