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“ Now you're moving on and you say you're alone
Suspicious that this string is moving your bones
We are the fire, we see how they run
Lift me higher, let me look at the sun
And once I hear them clearly, say
Who are you really?
And where are you going? „
- Who Are You Really , Mikky Ekko
Condensation on the walls dripped to the floor, the leftovers of a rainstorm. Castiel watched, carefully tracking each droplet, like he was observing a living soul on an important journey. He strangely identified with each single drop, as he too, in this moment, felt small and insignificant, even though truthfully he was the size of a skyscraper.
His thoughts raced around his mind, and he couldn't keep up with them. He felt vulnerable. It unsettled him.
"Have you made a decision yet, Castiel?"
The voice came from inside him, a man’s voice, that he'd grown quite used to. Jimmy Novak, the man whose body he was occupying.
"It is difficult," Cas replied. "Rebellion is not a simple matter."
"You're gonna have to talk to that other angel, Anna, aren't you?" Jimmy asked, and somehow even his disembodied voice gave off the energy of a trembling man. He sounded scared.
Castiel sighed. "She's the only one who can help me. She has… experience . And I trust her."
There was silence for a while. Cas had the urge to bite his fingernails or fiddle with the buttons on his coat, and he understood that if it was Jimmy who was in control, that’s what he’d be doing. Human nervous habits that Cas wanted to divulge in, as if Jimmy’s humanity was influencing him. The thought terrified Cas, and the fact that he could even feel fear so strongly also scared him. Everything was changing.
Confined to this warehouse, which seemed to be collapsing at every point Cas could see, Cas could appreciate the irony, how it reflected how he felt trapped and breaking in this human vessel. Which, in fairness, was not a very kind thought in regards to Jimmy. But then again, nothing about this situation was good for Jimmy.
There was a moment where it felt like Jimmy was about to say something, and Cas sat up a little. It was awkward, communicating like this, especially for Jimmy, but it also helped Cas to understand how Jimmy was feeling. Jimmy hated that, but Cas found it useful, because otherwise he found it impossible to read people's emotions (it was especially difficult when talking to Dean).
"Jimmy, please know that I whole-heartedly respect your opinion on this matter. I am happy to listen to anything you want to say about this. It is, after all, your skin."
Jimmy scoffed, causing an uncomfortable sensation to come over Castiel, equal to your stomach twisting.
"Cas, I get that you're not big on the whole 'empathy', and I sincerely wish you good luck on developing some, but that's pretty funny coming from you. You 'respect my opinion'? Castiel, my opinion doesn't matter when an angel of heaven is controlling my limbs."
Castiel was afraid of this. Ever since he'd developed a friendship with the Winchesters, ever since he'd discovered a deep affection and admiration for humanity (or: re discovered, but he didn't yet know it was pre-existing), he'd felt a creeping sense of guilt for Jimmy's situation. But, he'd been extremely good at burying it, at pushing it back down and continuing to try and get the job done while ignoring the feeling. Guilt was not an emotion he'd been created to experience. Feeling empathy was the furthest thing from angelic he could ever reach. If he ever reached that point, he might as well cut off his own wings and live on Earth permanently. Jimmy did not know how close Castiel was to that. But, Castiel also did not know how much pain Jimmy was in. They're emotional connection may be strong, a result of sharing a body, but it was not all knowing, all seeing. And this made it difficult to communicate non-verbally.
"Okay, I'm- I'm sorry, I admit that was a little harsh." Jimmy spoke up out of nowhere, and Cas was suddenly alert again. "If I'm being honest, I do owe you. You've kept my wife and daughter safe so far, and I'm grateful. And up til now, nothing terrible has actually happened to me, directly. Considering the circumstances, that's a lot. So-" Jimmy seemed to take a deep breath, and Castiel prepared himself, "-what I'm trying to say is: I appreciate that you wanna hear my thoughts. So, these are my thoughts: Here I am, being given the chance to help you stop the end of the world. Turning it down would be the stupidest thing I have ever done. And the most selfish."
Castiel was beginning to brighten up. He felt like, as Jimmy spoke, a heavy weight was being lifted from him.
"You're powerful, Cas, and you mean well. Despite all the crazy shit that's happened, I did agree to this and I did put my faith in you, and- Yeah. You still have it. I still trust you."
Castiel smiled, in spite of himself. "What are you trying to say, Jimmy?"
"Go to Anna. Tell her you're ready. Tell her what you want to. Help Sam and Dean, those sons of bitches. And…" Inside Castiel, a ball of warmth spread, and Cas had the feeling that Jimmy was placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze, a gesture of friendship. "Let my daughter live. Don't let the world end when she's still so young."
"Jimmy, you realise the weight of your words, do you not?" Cas said, now standing up, suddenly nervous again. "The sacrifice you are about to make. This could result in your death, Jimmy."
"Yeah, Cas, I'm pretty sure I weighed out that risk," Jimmy teased, but there was a heaviness to his voice. "But seriously, I know." He sighed. "I know."
The silence that followed was intense, and Cas once again found his eye wandering to the water dripping from the wall. This time, his sight followed a specific droplet that slid off the wall into a puddle, starting a ripple effect. Cas watched, and smiled.
A small drop of water, creating something bigger. A ripple.
"Well? It's taken you long enough, Castiel. I put in my two cents. Make your mind up."
Castiel, still standing, clenching his fists and feeling, for the first time, something so intense, something so freeing, and he allowed it to wash over him. He accepted it. And he was ready to speak to Anna.
"Thank you, Jimmy. I owe you."
"Yeah. You sure fucking do."