Archive of Our Own

He opened the door to the throne room and the humming abruptly stopped.

Sitri froze, the paper dolls only halfway cutout. “You didn’t hear anything, did you?”

“You know, your singing’s not half bad.” An understatement. He thought she had the most beautiful voice he’d ever heard, better than Rosalia’s even. (If you’d asked anyone else they’d say Rosa was better by a long shot, but Enzo was a little biased.)

Her face went red. “Forget you ever heard that.” She drops the paper in her hand and points the scissors at him. “Or else you’re dead, got it?”

“Wow Sitri, you have such a way with words.”

She rolled her eyes. “Shouldn’t you guarding the tower right now?”

“Should I? Yeah. But come on, it gets boring up there. And ain’t you a bit of a uh, what’s the word again? Hypochondriac? Hypotenuse?” “Hypocrite? Tch. I can afford to take breaks. I already have this whole place under my thumb. Besides…” She looks away. “It does get a little boring all alone up here.”

“Well then, what do you say you take a break right now?” He holds out a hand and grins. “Come on, don’t tell me I dragged my bike up here for nothing. We can even cause a little chaos if you’re interested.” “Chaos you say? Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.” A ‘little’ chaos with them was nothing short of total destruction for everyone else. Shangri Spa wouldn’t know what hit them. The day would undoubtedly end with bloodshed, fire, and so many fines they’d have to rob a bank to pay them off. In other words, it was going to be a perfect romantic date.

Everyone in the area stopped in their tracks when Sitri stepped out of the castle. The sight of her blades was enough to intimidate everyone into submission… it also helped that she was at least a foot taller than all of them. But what probably scared them the most was that time when someone mockingly called her cute and she described how she’d kill them in such vivid detail that they quit their job. No one dared to even look at her the wrong way after that. (It had taken every ounce of self control to hold herself back from following through on her threat. She doubted she’d be able to hold back like that again.)

“So, where to first?”

“Well…” Sitri made a list in her head of places she’d yet to cause mayhem. It wasn’t very long. “I’ve heard there was a secret spa around here. What do you say we try and find it?”

It wasn’t the first time they’d rode his bike through sacred places (they’d done donuts on the Sea Tower regularly) but it was the first time they’d done so here. Turns out recklessly driving through basically heaven is frowned upon. Fortunately when you lack morals you’re not concerned with what’s frowned upon, and you're definitely not concerned with grumbles from bystanders about how difficult the tire tracks will be to clean up. What did matter to them was doing wheelies and as many tricks as possible and laughing hysterically as an employee chased them around with a broom yelling at them to clean up their mess. Said employee must have not gotten the memo about Sitri. Or maybe they had but didn’t care. Props for that I guess.

Every employee forced a smile as they parked the bike directly in the lobby. Sitri approached the desk as one of the toads lectured Enzo about proper parking spaces.

“Ah, our esteemed guest. Anything we can do for you and your, er, plus one?”

“So, you’ve mentioned a special prize for visiting every spa, right?” She pulled out her stamp card and slammed it on the table. She did in fact visit every single spa. They should have known better than to challenge her like that.

“Oh! The Spring of Rainbows!” The manager handed over a shiny pass. Fancy. Sitri stared at it for a minute. Very shiny. “Can you tell me where it is?” “It’s no fun if you don’t find it yourself!”

“It’s also no fun for you if I slice everything in this room to shreds, including you. But it would be loads of fun for me.” The threat was just supposed to be for show, but saying the idea out loud made her really tempted to follow through. It’d been too long since she’d caused destruction (it had been thirty minutes) and she was aching to unsheathe her blades. Surely a little bit of dismemberment would be fine right?

The manager’s face went pale. “Of course. It’s right here.” He points at a spot on the map. “I-I can escort you, if you’d like!”

Was it wrong for her to be disappointed that she didn’t have an excuse to break things?

“Don’t bother.” Enzo said. “We don’t really need a third wheel. C’mon, Sitri, let’s go.”

Drat. No violence for her. Not yet, anyway.

Sitri would proceed to daydream about destroying everything in sight as they rode to their destination. Well, until her violent daydreams were interrupted anyway.

“Ey, did that guy in there ever tell you about that submarine thief?”

“Hmm. Yes. I didn’t listen, but, yes.” She’d zoned out and left three sentences into the story.

“Well, it makes me think maybe the boss is a little bit wrong about toads because that guy sounded pretty cool.” “Say that again and really think about what you’re saying this time.”

“…Yeah, maybe cool’s a bit of a stretch. Would like to meet ‘em one day though. If only he hadn’t been, you know, turned into a popsicle.”

Oh. So that was how the story ended? Sitri hadn’t stuck around to find out but the idea of being frozen for such a crime felt a little off putting to her.

She decided to go back to daydreaming about destruction instead of dwelling on it.

When they made it, Enzo didn’t attempt to ride down the flight of stairs, but it was obvious to anyone watching them that he had considered it.

“I’ll need to see your vip pass.” Oh great. Another obstacle. Just how many toads were at the spa? It was like it was infested. (Sitri thought they made fine servants and great target practice, but Enzo thought they were pests. The toads thought the same about Enzo.)

Yes, they had a vip pass. No, they weren’t going to use it. Why bother entering through legal means when you could be creative with it?

“Don’t you realize who you’re talking to, eh?” Enzo had stepped up this time, which was a relief because Sitri knew that if she made one more threat she wouldn’t have the self control to not follow through on it. She didn’t want to burn down everything just yet. She had to wait for the perfect moment- it would be more dramatic that way. “Come on, Sitri, you wanna show them how skilled we are with these blades?” “It would be my pleasure.”

“T-that won’t be necessary! You can just step through, no worries, pleasedonthurtme-” The toad immediately stepped aside.

Once again, Sitri couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. Enzo wasn’t going to admit it but he was too. The best outcome either of them could imagine for this day was fighting side by side. Dueling each other was fun for sure, but it’d be a nice change of pace to destroy someone as a team.

They walked together through the dim cavern, silently hoping they’d find some enemy there. Sitri wondered if Olly would be mad if they cut up some folded soldiers. Yeah, he definitely would be. That was an idea she’d have to keep to herself.

“This is the secret? These toads are pretty lame, huh.” Enzo said. “I was hoping for something more… interesting. Oh well,” Sitri shrugged. “I suppose it’ll be interesting to set this place ablaze, at least.” “Wait- maybe hold off on the arson, I think that’s an exit.” “Oh?”

Yeah. It was an exit alright. Climbing out of the cave led to a cliff's edge.

“Is that… railing? Are we supposed to climb across?” Sitri said, already walking across the ledge.

“Seems pretty risky, huh?” Enzo said, following her without hesitation.

“You mean fun?” “I definitely mean fun.”

The most perilous part of the journey was in fact not the wind or any obstacles. Nope, it was the fact that whenever the wind blew it led to Sitri’s hair smacking Enzo right in the face. Also the time halfway through that Enzo decided it would be safer if they held hands- which was certainly not an excuse or anything. Approximately 12 seconds later it became clear that it was in fact not a great plan and made everything much more difficult. Crime might be a cute date idea but life or death situations are a questionable place for romance. Well, most of the time anyway. Regardless of this, they did make it across without dying.

“Hey, Sitri, by any chance was that the secret spa?”

“I wouldn’t be disappointed if it was.”

“Aren’t spas supposed to be… I dunno, calming?” “Wait, they're supposed to be calming?” She wasn’t fond of that word. Calm. It was equivalent to boring and she hated being bored. Did people really come all the way up here to relax?

“I thought you’d been to all the spas, what impression were you getting?” “Well, there’s boiling water, which seems more hazardous than calming. Also, whenever I approach the spas people are always screaming and panicking so my impression is that they aren’t quite ‘calming’ as you put it.” “You know what, I like your idea a lot better.” Enzo wasn’t a big fan of calm either. When it came to him and Sitri he was certainly the calmer of the two, but that wasn’t saying much. He certainly wasn’t calm but he wasn’t, well… Sitri. So he won that title by default.

“Well… what do you wanna do now?” Enzo leaned back against the wall… which fell in. As luck would have it, they found a door! On the downside he did fall down with it.

“I’d say we do whatever's in here.”

Instead of helping him up like a normal person, she simply scooped him up off the ground and carried him in her arms.

“I can walk you know,” He grumbled, glad the darkness of the room obscured his red face.

“I wouldn’t want you falling through any walls again.”

It was oddly quiet in the room… a little too quiet. Until a spotlight came on and suddenly it wasn't so quiet anymore.

“Ladies and gentlemen! It’s time for… Shy Guys Finish Last!”

“A… gameshow? You know just who you’re talking to right?” Enzo crossed his arms, unimpressed.

Sitri, on the other hand, was grinning from ear to ear. “Gameshow, huh? Sounds entertaining.”

“Usually, we have just one player-” The host caught eye of Sitri’s hand on her sword. “But hey if you’re both interested, it could be a special event.”

“At which point did you think I was interest-” “We’re in.” Sitri already had that manic look in her eye, it was far too late to stop her. “What? You’re scared you’ll lose to me again?”

A gameshow sounded like something Rosalia would have signed them up for, in other words, definitely not something that caught Enzo’s eye. But hey… as long as they were doing it together it could end up being pretty fun, right? “Sure you can beat me in a duel, but this is a different battlefield. Good luck, sweetheart.” “I don’t need luck.”

“Okay drop the banter you two and let’s get started on our first question!”

First up was puzzles. Puzzles were neithers strong suit, they preferred brute force to logical thinking. But out of the two, Enzo was better. The difference was Enzo knew how to pick a lock, while Sitri would rather break down the door. Sitri devoted all 5 of her braincells to planning battle strategies and writing her villainous monologues and one liners, after that there was none left for puzzles. Her problem solving method was stabbing.

That didn’t stop Sitri from shouting out her first instinct answer for every question. They went through the board, not exactly racking up points. The score had ended up with Sitri at 30, Enzo at 40. The last question was up and Sitri had been getting increasingly frustrated.

“Hey! What do you mean my answer’s wrong?”

“It’s basic math.” The host said. “Well, here’s a math problem for you. When I slice you up will you be in halves or quarters? Let’s find out after the commercial break.” Sitri had held back long enough for the day, and math was a reasonable thing to snap over.

She drew her swords, and threw one straight for the host. It soared right past them- Sitri made a note to work on her aim.

“This whole show is stupid! You’re telling me I lost? At a bunch of dumb puzzles too? You didn’t even test us on anything valuable. No weapons, no fighting, no explosions? How does anyone watch this show with no violence?” “Well if you hadn’t earned yourself a disqualification just now, you might have learned that there’s a sudden death round actually-”

“Sudden death? Oh there’s a sudden death round alright!” She threw her other sword, which would have hit… if the host didn’t duck. Instead it ended up clattering back to the ground. She clenched her fists. “You’ll regret the day you ever-”

The camera cut away from her mid monologue, zooming in straight for the host.

“Well that’s all for this show!” The host continued closing the show. In the background the audience could hear an ongoing villainous monologue, complete with various threats, along with some supportive shouting in the background along the lines of “yeah, sweetheart, get ‘em!”

By the time the credits rolled, Sitri was running out of breath to continue. “Well. I hope you enjoyed this. You’ve made a powerful enemy today.” She went to pick up her swords.

“Hey, don’t worry about paying for the damages, I’m sure this’ll lead to the highest ratings we’ve had in years! You might just have yourself a future in show business… just, don’t come back here.”

The spotlights dimmed and the two made their way to the exit.

Sitri turned back suddenly and threw her sword once more. “Sneak attack!” It missed by several feet. A minute of silence followed. “Yeah… I’ll go pick that up.”

The two were quickly informed that they had earned a lifetime ban and were thrown out. At least they were thrown right towards the spa.

“Oh. So this is the spa.” Sitri said. “It’s very… colorful.”

“It’s tacky.”

“I think it’s sort of nice.”

“It looks suspicious. I bet it’s poisoned. I’m not getting in that. I bet this is where they send all the losers on their gameshow, straight to the death spa.”

Much more interesting than the other spas, that’s for sure. “You’re so smart… I never would have considered that. Remind me to send my enemies here.” First they could be tortured with terrible puzzles and math questions, and then thrown into a pool of poison… brilliant. Maybe Shangri Spas employees were more evil than they were letting on. Sitri had to respect that- as much as she could respect anyone that wasn’t herself or Enzo.

The two left, ignoring the actually not poisonous spa, and went back where they started, the slightly ominous castle in the middle of paradise that Sitri had taken over.

“Well, I guess I should be going now, huh?” Enzo said, not really wanting to go. Though, really, if he had a choice he’d be goofing off all day anyway. Guarding the streamer had gotten old.

“Already? We didn’t even get to fight together.”

“We duel all the time, there’s always tomorrow.”

“Not with each other. I was hoping to fight side by side, for once.”

“You know, that sounds pretty fun.”

“You see… I’ve been working on this army. Wouldn’t it be a shame to send them out without testing their strength first?”

“Right. That’d be an absolute tragedy.” He grinned.

“Well then, what do you say to one battle before the night ends?” Sitri held out a hand.

“It’d be my pleasure.”