Archive of Our Own

"Everything tastes better from this place," Jihyo says, linking an arm with Momo as they stroll through the Dongdaemun market. The gesture isn't unusual, but her cheery attitude this early in the day is out of the ordinary. Paying her a sidelong glance, Momo knows she probably looks especially grouchy as she sips from her coffee.

"What's your problem?" Jihyo asks, looking right back at Momo with a smirk tugging the corner of her lips up.

"You're being weird," Momo says plainly, taking another longer drink from her coffee, willing the earthy bitterness of the drink to spur her into waking up properly. She still doesn't know why Jihyo wanted her to come with to the market so early in the day. Nor does she know why she agreed.

Oh yeah. She promised free coffee, Momo reminds herself, though realistically no one else could get her out of bed on her day off this early. Least of all coffee she could just as easily make at home.

Jihyo stops suddenly in front of someone making fresh rice cakes for tteokbokki, forcing Momo to stop with her. Then the smell of the sauce hits her nose in a way that's unpleasant when combined with the taste of her coffee and the wafting aroma of brown sugar pancakes being made in the adjacent stall.

"It's too early for that," Momo protests, trying to urge her along. Jihyo groans out a whine, but ultimately lets herself be tugged away.

Strolling along, the two remain quiet, and it's then that Momo realizes that Jihyo isn't even looking at anything in the market. She's just... walking.

"You're being weird," Momo repeats flatly, catching Jihyo's attention. She frowns, taking her arm from Momo's to zip up her nice leather jacket and stuffing her hands in the pockets.

"You're being weird," she shoots back indignantly, earning an eyeroll out of Momo.

The two of them had kept a close friendship for a while despite pulling from a similar dating pool. Both had the tendency to dress in such a way that attracted a certain type of woman, so it wasn't unusual for them to be interested in the same girl. It happened once with a girl named Sana who rejected them both, and again with Mina who--as far as Momo knew--was still Jihyo's long term girlfriend.

"Competition" aside, the two had always maintained a sort of kinship. Momo had said once that there's a special friendship held between women who were exclusively interested in other women, and Jihyo was quick to agree. She'd only kept close company with men up until Momo became a part of her life.

It was only when Momo became friends with her that she could ask questions like Am I butch? To which Momo openly scoffed and asked her: "How many girls have kept one of your nice flannels?" No answer was given, but the frown and the speed at which Jihyo's face turned red was enough of a response for the both of them.

Maybe that's why they made such good friends. They could relate to each other on their attractions, and neither liked to live by conventional feminine standards. Which... is to say you wouldn't catch either of them in a sundress. And maybe this shared "style" is also why neither of them ever considered one another as a romantic partner.

No, instead they could just be friends in a close, unique, but uncomplicated way.

Or, so Momo had thought.

"Mina broke up with me," Jihyo finally says, her voice taking on a thick quality and her head turned to look at the stalls. Though it's pretty clear that she's not looking at anything. She's merely avoiding Momo's gaze.

Which she understands. Momo doesn't like people seeing her when she's upset either. So, she plays it cool.

"How recent?" Momo asks, keeping her tone level.

"Last night," Jihyo answers solemnly and something about it makes Momo's chest feel tight.

There's a beat of tense silence before Momo can even think of something to say. She was never good with this kind of thing.

"That explains it then," she murmurs, just loud enough for Jihyo to hear.

"Explains what?"

"Why you got me up so early."

The remark manages to earn a scoff out of Jihyo, which is precisely what Momo wanted. Something to lighten her mood even a little.

"I'm still surprised you agreed," Jihyo admits, which gives Momo pause. She wants to ask Why would you be surprised? but she knows. She understands that things between them had never been especially deep, but for Jihyo to turn to her in a moment like this meant that she had no one else. Predictably, this realization has a way of tugging on her heartstrings.

"You should have a rebound," Momo suggests, but she hates the words the moment they leave her mouth.

"Yeah, right," Jihyo says with a scoff, "You already know I'm not the type. It's why Mina picked me over you anyway."

Which was true. Momo was never the type to commit and made as much clear whenever someone took an interest in her. It just so happened that she'd caught Mina's eye and subsequently scared her off when she said she wasn't looking for anything serious. Which drove her straight to Jihyo's arms.

Maybe if I'd just dated Mina myself, this wouldn't have happened, Momo thinks unconsciously and has to catch after it happens. Wait, what am I thinking?

"I don't think walking around Dongdaemun is going to make you feel better," Momo says for lack of anything better to say. She wants to find something comforting to say, but when that doesn't come to mind, she opts to tug Jihyo back around in the direction of the exit against all her groaning in protest.

When they wind up outside, they both tense up as the cold spring air hits them, but Momo continues pulling Jihyo along.

"Where are we going?" she asks, her tone a mixture of amusement and annoyance that immediately registers as an improvement in Momo's head. Anything is better than sad.

Though to be honest, Momo doesn't even know where she's taking Jihyo until she spots movement on the corner of one of the avenues. A man dressed in a uniform pulling back the gate and propping open the door to a new arcade. She quickly reasons that it's better than a cafe where they'd eat and Jihyo would talk and make herself sad. It's better than just walking around aimlessly, and maybe shooting some aliens or zombies would help work out some of her frustration.

Just as they're about to walk into the building, Jihyo looks up at the sign, realizing where Momo is taking her and blurts out: "An arcade?! This early??"

What follows is a strong effort at distracting Jihyo and making her laugh. Momo is absolutely terrible at the zombie game with the plastic guns, but manages to impress on the dance game on one of the harder difficulties. They try a fighting game that neither of them know how to play and Jihyo manages to find the one ability that lets her crowd Momo into a corner and whittle down her health unfairly. But, she laughs--cackles, even--the whole time, and even though Momo whines in protest, she can't help but smile seeing her friend in high spirits. It's almost like she hadn't just gone through a breakup at all.

She's not sure why she's doing all this. Why they grab lunch and even spend the rest of the afternoon together. Eventually they wind up at their favorite haunt: one of the only gay bars in town that caters mostly to women. One of a few places in the city the two can truly relax.

"I just wish I knew what I did wrong, y'know?" Jihyo says, and Momo pauses just as she's about to bring the bottle to her lips.

"What do you mean?" she asks, then taking a drink.

"With Mina," she explains, "I thought things were good. I took care of her, she met my parents, I bought her gifts..."

She saw this conversation coming. Against all her best efforts, Momo knew she wasn't going to stem the tide of Jihyo's sadness indefinitely.

"Sometimes... things just aren't meant to be," Momo says unhelpfully, feeling a bit lame for even letting the words leave her mouth.

Jihyo lets out a sigh, "I know. Doesn't really make it hurt any less. But... thanks. For today."

Then for some reason, holding eye contact with Jihyo is difficult. Not awkward. Just... challenging. Momo feels heat rise to her cheeks and she stares forward at the display holding all the bottles of liquor as she takes another drink.

"Don't mention it."

-

In the month that follows, Jihyo and Momo fall into a routine of meeting up most nights at their bar, and on weekends they'd go shopping together for groceries and Momo would drive them both with their laundry to the cheapest laundromat in Jihyo's district.

When she sat and thought about it, Momo was going out of her way to spend time with Jihyo in just about any way she could. So, when their routines were suddenly interrupted by a new girl in Jihyo's life, she felt the sting of loneliness keenly. She just wishes she understood why it hurt so badly.

Ultimately when she sees the pics on her feed of Jihyo with Dahyun she tries her best to be happy for her friend. Despite whatever weird, festering bitterness was trying to make its home in the pit of her stomach any time she saw them.

She never did meet Dahyun, and the relationship ended within a handful of months. Again, Jihyo had been dumped, leaving Momo to pick up the mess. She takes her to hotpot and lets her order all the meat she wants, then takes her to drive go-karts in a place that had opened up at one of the malls before the two of them once again landed themselves back at their bar all over again.

It comes as a relief for Momo, though for reasons she can't quite figure out. Whatever the case, she's happy to see a return to their routines. Until--

"Was hoping I wouldn't wind up here again," Jihyo says bitterly into the mouth of her bottle before taking a long drink.

"Huh?"

"I like being in a relationship," she explains, leaning on the bar with both arms, again sporting her leather jacket despite how warm it'd become. "It's like being given a pair of blinders. I don't look at other women, I don't feel the need to look."

"You sound obsessive," Momo comments, letting the words fly out of her mouth before thinking. It makes Jihyo pause and look at Momo, though she can almost see the cogs turning in her head as she considers the observation.

"I guess I am. Maybe that's my problem."

"I didn't mean it in a bad way," Momo says, though she knows it's a flimsy half-apology, "I think any girl would be lucky to have a fraction of your attention."

I know I am, comes the unconscious thought after and Momo narrowly restrains herself from making a face as she replays it.

"Maybe I'm too suffocating," Jihyo considers, "But... I'm not sure how to be any different."

"Well. Consider why you act like that. What's gonna happen if you take the blinders off?"

Jihyo blinks, then her brow furrows. "I might look at other women?"

"Would it bother you if the person you're dating looks at other women?"

Again Jihyo takes a second to think of her answer before speaking up. "I dunno. I don't think so. As long as she was still loyal, I guess I don't see the harm in looking."

"Looking at other women isn't being a bad girlfriend," Momo reiterates, "Not giving her your full attention constantly isn't being a bad girlfriend. You can have a life of your own."

There's a groan and a whine out of Jihyo that follows and she tips her drink back.

-

Another two months pass and it's Momo who gets a girlfriend this time. Apparently Sana had changed her mind, and they seemed a reasonable fit, Momo decided. In terms of appearances, they looked like a good match, and their contrasting personalities leave her thinking This is how it should be, right?

Where Sana is sunshiney and sweet, Momo is more pragmatic and calculating. While Sana is swift to pick up new trends and retain new information, Momo is a little slower, a little more set in her ways--though Sana had a way of prising her out of old habits. This included seeing less of Jihyo. It meant drinking less and eating healthier--which Momo would reluctantly agree was a good change.

And it isn't long before Jihyo finds someone. To Momo's surprise it's a mutual friend of theirs: Jeongyeon. It comes as a complete shock. For as long as Momo had known Jihyo, the two of them had similar interests in women: feminine, smart, and kind.

It's not that Jeongyeon is none of those things. It's the lack of contrast that surprises Momo. They look like they could borrow out of each other's closets, whereas Momo couldn't ever see herself wearing anything in Sana's. Which is how she thought things should be. It makes sense, right? When you're at different ends of a spectrum, there's less chance for envy to rear its ugly head. To compare yourself to each other unfairly.

Worse than that: things seem to work between them. Jihyo had apparently heeded the advice Momo had given her and gave Jeongyeon space. Enough space that she craved Jihyo's attention. It surprises Momo how effective it manages to be with someone like Jeongyeon who had always been just a little standoffish and difficult.

It isn't until the both of them manage to find a night to meet up that Momo can ask her about it.

"How are things between you and Sana?" Jihyo asks, and Momo notices she's in higher spirits than usual.

"About the same," Momo says with a shrug, "Though if I'm being honest, I'm not sure it'll last much longer."

That catches Jihyo off guard and she cants her head as she looks Momo over.

"You're gonna break up with her?"

And Momo realizes she wishes she heard something in Jihyo's voice other than surprise. Excitement. Relief, maybe. It's a weird thing to wish for and she knows it.

"I don't know," Momo admits, "I feel like we're a good match, but..."

Jihyo leans in slightly, "But...?"

Something about the closeness puts Momo on edge. Has her feeling oddly self conscious.

She's not you, she thinks absently and as soon as she recognizes the thought for what it is, she can't meet Jihyo's gaze. She feels on the verge of panic.

"Something's missing," she states, hoping that would be enough of an answer. But, it only manages to earn more of Jihyo's curiosity.

"What do you think it is?" she asks, genuine concern coloring her words, "You seem like such a perfect couple on the outside..."

"A spark, maybe. Just... something," she answers, feeling the heat of the spotlight being shone on her.

"I'm probably just overthinking it or not trying hard enough," Momo is quick to add after meeting Jihyo's gaze for half a second.

"You should talk to her. Maybe she can tell you what's missing," Jihyo suggests as she leans over to knock her shoulder into Momo's affectionately. It'd be solid advice if Momo were telling the truth to begin with. She makes a thoughtful noise as though she were considering what Jihyo had to say before quickly changing the subject.

"How are things with you and Jeongyeon?" she asks, and Jihyo smiles.

"Good. She's busy a lot, so we only see each other once a week or so, but it's been nice."

Momo pauses for a beat before finally asking the question that's been on her mind since the start of all this:

"Why her?" she asks, then mentally kicking herself for the poor wording. "Why Jeongyeon, I mean. She didn't seem your type."

The question doesn't seem to surprise Jihyo much and she first answers with the same broad smile and a shrug.

"I don't know, honestly," Jihyo answers, and for some reason that stings, "We both happened to be single and I hadn't really considered her before. She's kinda like us, y'know?"

Momo nods, again staring straight ahead at the bar shelves. Jihyo can't know how her words make Momo's stomach knot up angrily. Can't know Momo's chest feels tight with regret for not realizing what she'd been feeling sooner.

"But she makes me laugh, so I thought "Hey, why don't I just try?" y'know?"

Don't I make you laugh? Momo wonders before she mentally kicks herself for not having better control of her impulsive thoughts.

"So I asked her out and she couldn't think of a reason not to," she concludes and there's not much Momo can say. Jealous as she is, she can't justify being angry with anyone but herself for not taking a chance on Jihyo.

"You seem happier," Momo observes, for lack of anything better to say. She hopes Jihyo might say something to the contrary.

"I am!" she agrees, "You know I prefer being in a relationship, and after I tried your advice with Jeongyeon, it's been pretty smooth sailing."

So this is my fault? Momo wonders, then following up the thought with: Stop being childish. You should be happy for her.

Momo then changes the subject, preferring to talk about anything but Jihyo and Jeongyeon. Instead they get on the topic of the latest races, which subsequently leads to Jihyo needling Momo for being slow on the go-kart track. It's a convenient segue for Momo to plot a rematch and an excuse to spend time with her again.

"Fine. I'll race you and if--no, when I kick your ass, you have to agree to talk to Sana," she bargains, earning an eyeroll out of Momo. But, if it means she'll get to see Jihyo again soon, she'll agree.

"Whatever," she says, half-heartedly accepting the condition.

-

They make plans to meet up the following Saturday, and to Momo's shock, Jihyo comes prepared.

"What are you wearing?" she asks, her words shaken with a laugh as she looks Jihyo up and down. At her question, Jihyo poses, showing off the full racing jumpsuit.

"I came prepared, unlike someone," she says, leading the way to the counter where they pay the fee.

"I didn't know we were dressing in costume," Momo quips, getting a haughty laugh out of Jihyo.

"It'll look a lot less like a costume when I'm at the finish line waiting for you to show up," she shoots back, leading the way to the track where the two get themselves fitted with proper helmets. Conveniently, there's an orange one to match Jihyo's orange and black jumpsuit.

As usual, they start with a warm-up lap. Momo decides to use this as an opportunity to egg Jihyo on and purposely pushes her out to the outer rim of the track, overtaking her on one of the curves, securing her victory. It succeeds in incensing her, and after a little good natured shittalking, they both get lined up for the real race.

They agree on three laps, and in the first one, Momo tries the same technique of pushing Jihyo out so she can speed ahead on the inside. It manages to work, if only marginally for the first lap. Though during the second lap, the pair employ the same technique back and forth, one overtaking the other and it's too close to call who reaches the finish line starting the final lap.

Again, Momo tries to push Jihyo out of the way, their karts even scraping noisily against one another. It prompts one of the workers to flag them to slow down--which Momo heeds, but Jihyo uses to her advantage to fake her out. She starts to slow as Momo does, only to push the pedal to the metal, surging her forward so suddenly that Momo can see her whole body jerk in response.

Just as she'd promised, Jihyo gets to the finish line with time to spare before Momo can close the distance. Naturally this leads to plenty of teasing on Jihyo's part as the two of them get their helmets off.

"Sana can thank me later," Jihyo says with a content sigh as the two of them wander back into the mall. "I missed spending time with you," she adds as they start for the food court, and the comment catches Momo off guard.

"Yeah," Momo says and she knows her response falls flat. She knows Jihyo can't actually hold her accountable for their bet, but she's going to follow through on it anyway. She needed to have this talk with Sana regardless of the race's outcome.

It isn't until the two of them are sitting down with ice cream in hand that Jihyo pipes up again, this time really surprising Momo.

"Did you ever consider the two of us?"

Momo freezes, staring at Jihyo who locks eyes with her, waiting for an answer. Several awkward seconds pass before Momo finally breaks eye contact to make a lame joke.

"I didn't know you were into me."

Jihyo chuckles, landing a weak punch on Momo's shoulder that looks stronger than it really is.

"Would you?" she presses, once again forcing that intense eye contact that leaves Momo questioning everything.

Momo avoids her eyes this time, pretending to have her attention caught by the noisy kids entering the mall and the ice cream in her hand.

"Would I what?" she asks, trying to buy herself time, and Jihyo makes an annoyed sound.

"Would you consider the two of us? Do you think we'd be a good match?" she asks, and again Momo avoids her eyes.

"I'm trying to fix one relationship and you want me to speculate on another?" she shoots back and she looks up long enough to notice a soft, playful smile on Jihyo's face that makes her heart skip a beat.

"Humor me."

Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Momo tries to think of another deflection. But, ultimately she decides to try something a little honest.

"Sure. You make Jeongyeon happy, so you could probably make me happy too."

The answer seems to satisfy Jihyo nearly to the point of smugness, but Momo can't shake the feeling she gets when Jihyo continues to lock eyes with her. She feels exposed--and worse than that, she feels like what she has to say to Sana is going to be a lie. A lie to fix something she isn't even fully committed to.

-

Returning home, Momo finds Sana on her couch watching a rerun of a gameshow. She perks up in her spot when the door opens, her face suddenly breaking into a smile. It's infectious as always and Momo doesn't even realize she's smiling until she remembers what needs to come next.

"Welcome home!" she chirps and Momo isn't sure why she's suddenly filled with dread.

At the very least, she'd done the smart thing on her way back, stopping at the convenience store to grab Sana’s favorite jelly candy. Though it seems a silly thing to use to soften the blow.

Taking the spot next to her on the sofa, Sana relaxes into Momo instantly and Momo places the package of jellies in her lap.

"For me?" she asks in delight and Momo responds with an affirmative hum. Then, as Sana tears into the candy, Momo figures it's now or never.

"Can we talk?" Momo asks, and the smile leaves her face when Sana looks back at her.

"Yeah, of course," she says as she sits up, turning to face Momo.

She'd had this conversation in her head several different times, several different ways, all with varying degrees of perceived success. She could only guess how Sana would react, even if she wants to believe she's a good judge of her character by this point. There's always been something unpredictable about Sana.

"I don't want you to get the wrong idea," she starts, and already she can see the worry reach Sana's eyes, "You haven't done anything wrong."

"... But?"

Momo takes a deep breath, unsure exactly how to best pick her words, so she chooses to just do what's easiest and speak plainly.

"But something is wrong."

Sana cants her head, brow furrowed, "wrong?"

Momo nods.

"What... can we do?" she asks, brows upturned in worry and suddenly Momo really feels like the bad guy.

"I'm not sure," she answers, "I thought it'd be good to tell you how I was feeling so maybe we could fix it together."

"So you... don't want to break up?"

I could, Momo thinks unconsciously, then following it up: I could end it here. Then she could move on and find someone who really loves her.

But then looking at Sana's face, twisted up with an anxious sort of sadness makes Momo's chest tighten up and her stomach knot.

Or I can try to make this work. And forget whatever I'm feeling for Jihyo. If anyone can make that happen, it's Sana, right?

"No," she finally answers and relief is painted all over Sana's face, so she adds: "We can figure this out."

-

"You talked it out, right?" Jihyo asks, tipping her bottle back.

This time, the bar is almost completely occupied, pushing them from their usual spot to one of the tables against the wall. Having to see Jihyo in her nice leather jacket with her hair pulled up into a half-ponytail and sporting her big round glasses has Momo regret stepping foot into the bar with her.

Jihyo has her regretting a lot of things, it turns out.

"Sort of," Momo admits, and Jihyo gives her a curious look.

"... Sort of?"

Momo nods, "I told her how I felt, said I didn't want to break up, but we could work on it."

Jihyo pauses for a beat, seeming to wait for more before she sits up, leaning over the table on both her arms, beer still in hand.

"And...? That's it?"

Momo shrugs, "What were we supposed to do?"

Jihyo looks at her like she's stupid--and Momo thinks maybe she is stupid for a second.

"Talk?! Try to... I don't know... Figure out what it is you're missing??" Jihyo blurts before taking another drink and sitting back again.

Momo's eyes fall to the table where her finger digs into a scratch in the wood's finish. Lately it's been harder and harder to meet Jihyo's gaze. Especially on topics like this. She wishes she could go back to just seeing Jihyo as a friend. As competition, even.

"I don't think it's a thing I'm missing," Momo admits, and Jihyo's expression softens.

"What do you think it is then?" she asks, her voice matching her expression, but there's a glint Momo can't ignore when she finally meets her eyes.

Rather than immediately answering, Momo lets her eyes travel briefly, taking Jihyo in before dropping to the table as she shakes her head.

"C'mon," Jihyo pushes and Momo chances to look her in the face again.

"I think it's a "who," not a "what,"" Momo answers, locking eyes with Jihyo and watching her carefully. Her reaction is subtle. There's momentary, restrained surprise, and then she's changing the subject.

Then Momo can't help but think: You know it too, don't you?

-

She knows the timing is bad. With the holidays coming, Sana had plans to return to Japan to visit family, and it's just before she leaves that Momo finally ends things. It ends with Sana in tears and Momo knows it's cold of her. She figures spending Christmas and New Years alone is her punishment.

Standing outside the bar, Momo turns her gaze upwards, watching the coils of cold breath leave her in steady plumes that fade into nothing while colorful sparks light the sky with the start of the new year. She absently wonders if her family is enjoying some good food back in Japan. Then her mind inevitably wanders to Jihyo, wondering if she's making new resolutions with Jeongyeon.

And then, with some measure of guilt, she wonders if this year will be kinder to Sana. Even if she was never unfaithful, Momo can't help but feel like she'd done something wrong. Though ultimately, she figures the decision to break up was the right thing. Someone like Sana deserves to be with a person who loves her without reservations and for as long as Jihyo would be in Momo's orbit, there would be something keeping her from being the person Sana deserves.

All wrapped up in these thoughts, she doesn't notice when someone comes to occupy the corner with her until she's being nudged. Looking over, she first notices the slim box being pushed against her arm, then the person holding it: Jihyo. Dressed in her favorite leather jacket and smiling at her in a way that's... strangely playful.

"What're you doing here?" Momo asks, but Jihyo doesn't answer other than to nudge her more insistently with the box until Momo finally takes it.

"Late Christmas present," she clarifies, and Momo pays her a sidelong glance with a raised brow, though she also can't help the smile on her face.

In the box is a pair of fingerless leather gloves, earning a scoff out of Momo.

"What're these for?" she asks, tossing the box in a nearby trashcan before she slips them on, flexing her hands.

"Racing gloves. Figured you could use all the help you can get if you're ever gonna beat me," she teases, getting a bark of a laugh out of Momo in response.

"You've gotta slip up and lose one of these days," Momo says, half-joking, "But that doesn't answer my question. What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Jeongyeon?"

Jihyo gestures for the two to start walking, starting off in the direction of where the fireworks were being lit and Momo follows, walking at her side.

"I broke things off with her last night."

Shocked, Momo turns her head to look at her, unsure what to say at first.

"What? But things seem to be going so well."

"Yeah."

Momo blinks, even more confused.

"Then why?"

Jihyo's smile broadens and she takes Momo's hand.

"Something was missing."