Work Text:
I look front and back, left and right,
But when it comes to you there’s no exit.
“–shouldn’t have done that, Jeno! You should’ve been more careful.”, Jeno winces in pain as soon as the cotton swab made contact with the open wound on his forehead, bringing him out of his daze. It distracts him from the thought of his crush, pouting in distress, standing between his parted leg. The distance made him blush. If he pushes forward a little he can kiss him. Maybe he can kiss the frown away. The sudden cease of movement prompts Jeno to look up to see the frown before has already deepened. He smiled despite the heat that crawls up his neck and his ears burn.
“If I hadn’t, it would’ve been worse for you Renjun,” Jeno ended his sentence with a defeated sigh. Renjun’s hand caresses his head softly and Jeno leans in a bit into the touch. This has been going on for so long. Jeno does not know why Renjun continues to endure all the backlashes and bad treatments he gets from people who aren’t happy with him being the newly elected school president.
Jeno stepped in not because he thought Renjun couldn't handle it. In fact, he was the one who couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle
He stepped in because he hates seeing Renjun hurt, even if he does his best to not show it because he cares. He really does. He cares from Day 1. Renjun who has been in and out of his house since he was 16.
“They won’t do anything crazy to me Jeno… They’re not stupid.” Renjun sighed.
“They were pushing you! They could’ve hurt you!” Jeno held on both of Renjun’s wrists, trying to ground himself in his anger. He doesn’t want to let it out on the wrong person. He knows Renjun is not in the wrong but it angers him that Renjun lets them do anything they want to him.
“Jeno, you like me… right? ”
Jeno felt his breathing become quicker. It felt like the world stopped moving. He knows he never really made any attempt to hide it but he has also never made a conscious effort to make it deliberate. He racks his brain, carefully searching for an answer. Should he confess? Will it ruin anything between them? What answer could be the right one, the one that Renjun would want to hear from him?
“Hey,” Renjun softly tilts Jeno’s chin so he can hold his gaze. “You can be honest with me. I just want to hear the truth.”
Oh.
“I like you Renjun. I care about you. Can I be your boyfriend?” that came out of his mouth much more hastily than he planned 2 seconds ago. Jeno holds both of Renjun’s hands in his.
“Sure. We’ll try okay?” Renjun engulfs Jeno in a hug. He snuggled a little bit more in Jeno’s neck.
Comfort. They wanted to live in this moment forever. That’s all they want. To be with each other.
Even if I don’t dance at the club,
My heart is dancing with you,
I still don’t know how it feels to get tipsy
But I think I’m drunk with you.
Jeno coexisting in the same space as the seniors has been a routine, and not that they can complain. He had been waiting for Renjun to finish his class for lunch, sometimes walking Renjun to class in the morning, entering the seniors' class just to give something to Renjun. Jeno is from the Lee family that owns the biggest security company. They’ve been in the school for generations too. Nobody really dares to complain. For Jeno, he doesn’t really like to rely on his status but if it meant Renjun won’t be hurt, then so be it.
It hasn’t been long since they started dating but the daily routine has been the same since Jeno was 14, so it doesn’t really change their dynamic. Renjun visiting Jeno’s house after school or them just sitting at the playground near Renjun’s house talking about their day. What shifted was the subtle way Renjun looked at him and the increase of sweet small gestures. Renjun was never the one to initiate anything, so he sometimes flustered himself as the brazen one.
The first time when Jeno met him was when he was 14 while Renjun was 16, that is two years ago. They met in Jeno’s kitchen when Renjun was eating cake in the kitchen aisle cursing something about losing games to Mark and Jaemin. Jeno came to the kitchen to eat his cake but saw a pretty boy eating it, well… he didn't mind, his feet were glued to the ground staring at Renjun eating the cheesecake so cutely. It’s comical really, Jeno is a type of person whose possessive over everything that’s his. That includes Renjun now.
“ You don’t have any extra classes today?” Jeno tucked away Renjun’s bangs so it doesn’t touch his sparkly eyes. Yeah, maybe it was those eyes that attracts him in the first place alright. Renjun is comfortably laying his head on Jeno’s thigh. They are sitting on the rooftop lazing after school.
“ I don’t. Don’t chase me away Jeno, just say you’re happy we have time for us.” Renjun giggles, extending his hand to touch the mole under Jeno’s left eye. Then slowly moves down to his cheeks, pinching them.
“ Ow, hey don’t do that. ” Jeno rubbed his cheeks, surely it’s red by now.
“ You’re so handsome now Jeno. Where was the small boy that kept following me around back then? You’re so cute with your mochi cheeks and shy smile.” Renjun kept on rambling on about how he misses smaller Jeno, well he’s going through puberty so his physical appearance is becoming more defined now.
Jeno stares at Renjun’s lips while the other is still rambling. He can’t take his eyes off it. All he could see is just the lips moving now. He can’t even hear anything Renjun is saying. Jeno leans in. It’s a weird position but he doesn’t care. He’s going for it.
It’s happening. Fuck.
Renjun’s lips are so soft. It was just a long peck and Jeno quickly straightened up back to his sitting position. His heart is thumping loudly and racing so quickly. He took a peek at Renjun. He looks dazed. Jeno is amused although he himself is burning on the tip of his ears.
Before he could even laugh at Renjun, he was being pushed down to a lying position. Renjun’s on top right now straddling him and Jeno is confused. He looks at Renjun, he’s red and there’s a glint he never sees.
“ Jeno. I’m going to kiss you. Okay? That’s all it will be.”
Jeno can feel Renjun breathing heavily in his mouth. He’s so close. They’ve never been this close. He nods signaling he’s okay with it, and Renjun dives in. It was a short peck at first, and then long ones. Then, too many long ones.
I wanted to do better,
I still don't know,
I’ve only reached this far,
Love is difficult,
I guess I didn’t want my immature heart to get caught.
Renjun brushes away the bangs from Jeno’s eyes. Jeno is sleeping soundly on the sofa in the middle of Renjun’s solo apartment. It’s been 2 years. Now Jeno is in his last year of high school, also the captain of the athlete club. Making it harder for Renjun to meet him. He himself has various schedules to be done for uni marks, non-stop. It’s not like they don’t understand each other, it’s just the time they’re trying to make for each other seems to be taken away by the exhaustion.
“ Hey. Jeno baby… wake up, let’s go to the bed. ” Renjun tried his best to wake Jeno gently. Jeno stirs and grabs his hand. Blindly letting himself be dragged by Renjun.
One thing Renjun looks forward to is coming home to this. Someone waiting for you at home. Coming home to warmth, all he needs. Someone comforting, someone to be open to. He likes their cuddling to sleep and loves everything about now. Wouldn't trade for anything.
As soon as they enter the bedroom Jeno shoves Renjun onto the bed. Already tangling their bodies, Jeno already burying his face in the crook of Renjun’s neck, mumbling something Renjun can’t really grasp at. Renjun continued patting Jeno’s back.
He’s never letting go of this kind of warmth he searched for. He searched for it all along.
“ Renjun ah, can we stay like this? Forever? Please…don’t leave me please.” It’s slurred, but since Jeno’s mouth is so close to his ear, he can make it out. He breathed an I won’t Jeno-yah and pecked his boyfriend a kiss on his forehead and continued to drift away to sleep.
I thought everything would work out if we did everything together,
Those were the days of youth, it was like a movie.
Right next to love, concerns also came together
All those were memories, everything has passed,
I’m going crazy because I fell for you and went straight from there.
It felt distant. Somewhat all the time they had, slowly dissipated. The small problems suddenly became so big that it overwhelmed both of them. Yet, they still try. Try to fix all the cracks on the glass they treasure. Like all the colors they painted on the white paper fade away.
“ You-you said, if I wear slippers you’ll be mad. ” a shaky exhale, indicates that Renjun’s trying to control his tears. Jeno is still crouching down, tying his shoelaces. Still the same, from day one.
Renjun had been running from his apartment after he had read Jeno’s letter. He searched for him everywhere. The school rooftop, Jeno’s home, around the neighborhood, and he found him sitting on the swing at the playground they always went to after school back when he was still in school. They can fix this. They should.
“ You still have to tie this Renjun-ah, you’ll fall. What are you going to do if-if I’m not here-” Jeno stops. To be honest it felt as if the world around them slowed down. Then Renjun sees it, droplets on his shoes, the shaky hands that are clenching on the shoelace, and he breaks. The wall he tries to toughen up falls down. He grabs Jeno’s shoulder, the wide shoulder seems to be small now.
“ We can fix this Jeno, we-we can! We have been doing this for 2 years. ” Renjun tries to persuade him. It is not supposed to end blatantly like this. They love each other, surely they can fix this. His legs are about to give up when Jeno got up and pulled him into a tight hug.
And he breaks. The tears wouldn’t stop, dampening Jeno’s cotton shirt. Jeno is rubbing Renjun’s back trying to calm him down, maybe calming himself too. Renjun’s shoulders are wet. They stayed like that for minutes, turning into hours. Renjun tightens his hold around Jeno’s waist.
“ I’m sorry love…I’m sorry. I think I’m not doing enough for you. I think we need time for ourselves. It’s hard for me Renjun, I can’t keep going.” Jeno’s voice trembles but he still hasn’t let go of Renjun. His heart is heavy and wounded to say things like this because he does not want things to end, but saying the truth is what he had been thinking for a very long time.
“ Renjun? ”, Jeno peeked a look at him seeing his being silent. Renjun had stopped crying but he hasn’t said a word. Slowly, Renjun lets go of his hold onto Jeno’s waist, face still looking down at their shoes. Ah, the couple shoes they bought on their first anniversary. He lets out a pained sigh. It stings. It felt like his heart is being torn up little by little, but he knows they can’t go on like this. The tears that stopped a couple of minutes ago came back.
“ I’m sorry… I’m sorry Jeno. Thank you Jeno, for everything you had done for me. I had fun. Please take care Jeno…” Renjun looked up to have one last look at Jeno, his ears red from the cold, his sad glazed eyes, his bangs that covered his eyes. He should be the one comforting Jeno, but he can’t take it upon himself. The words just seemingly couldn’t get out, stuck in his throat. Everything feels overwhelming and sad. He roughly wiped his tears with his sweater sleeve, when he felt Jeno wiping his tears with his thumb, gently placing his hand on Renjun’s right cheek, before leaning in, resting his forehead on Renjun’s.
“ You’ll do better than me. Will always do. Take care of yourself Renjun. ” and Jeno steps back. Renjun can’t stand it, he turns his heels and runs. He runs in the cold leaving Jeno alone.
Love doesn’t end
With experiences
I don’t think I’ll get over it
It feels like it’ll stop and caught somewhere in my heart
It’s winter again. Now Jeno is already in his second year as a University student. He went to the same one as Renjun, but they never met. It makes sense, he’s probably busy. After their breakup, winter two years ago felt extremely cold for him. Watching Renjun run away crying shattered his heart, but his feet are planted on the ground. He needs to let Renjun go.
Maybe because he’s too young back then to know love, to know that they can actually fix that, he doesn’t want to risk it. He doesn’t want to risk playing Renjun's heart like that. That week felt like hell to him. Fighting the urge to go to Renjun’s apartment, waiting around the snacks stall they used to go to. It was unreal really. He loves Renjun dearly and can never let go of the feeling.
The walk to his dorm room felt long, cold but what made him breathless was the figure in the end of the hallway. He hasn’t seen him since then but he’s still pretty. The sparkles in his eyes are like the stars, and the laughter that ringed in his ear is what he longed for. Renjun is there in flesh. It’s not his imagination. Renjun’s hair is different now, two-toned and long. He’s laughing along with a guy taller than him. His hand is unmoving from his doorknob. He locked his gaze on Renjun until he was gone.
Like pressing a button on a remote control
That smile deletes everything
When I look at your eyes
After he saw Renjun, all he can think of is him. The pretty laugh Renjun’s let out. When he’s eating, showering, or in class. He misses Renjun so much that he feels like running around and searching for him. Yet, he knows he can’t. He knows it’s probably not what Renjun wants. So he buries the desire deep inside.
He can’t stand it, it’s been weeks so he went for a drink at his favorite stall to blackout and try to forget about it. It’s quiet tonight. There were no other customers other than him, and he was already on his second bottle of soju. He should stop drinking now if he wants to go back and sleep on his bed not on the streets but he keeps going to forget Renjun. It wasn’t a big much of a deal since it was him that saw Renjun, it wasn’t even an interaction but he needs it, or else he is going to pursue Renjun like it was not him who hurt his first love in the beginning. Like it isn’t him who’s not willing to try.
But he simply can’t. He kept thinking of Renjun’s plush lips, and Renjun’s long hair that he wants to tuck behind his ear, but he can’t get rid of it. It seems to be worse now that he thinks he imagined Renjun is in front of him. He lets it be and before he closes his eyes passing out on the table he remembers to spit out an I really miss you Renjun.
I’m drunk on you but
Rather than feeling tipsy,
My body feels light
From my head to my toes
It feels like I’ve taken a shower
In flutters
“ Fuck…” Jeno groans. His head is throbbing with pain. At this rate, his brain will split in half. Never a good hangover at all. He opens his eyes to a ceiling that certainly doesn’t look like his. So who brought him home? Mark? Jaemin? He tried to sit up but his head felt so heavy it felt like there was something weighing him down.
Looking around he realizes it’s definitely not his dorm room, or Jaemin’s. It smells like warm vanilla with some kind of cherry? Wait. Jeno got up and ran for the door so fast he forget his legs are actually wobbly but he can’t give away this chance. There’s no way–
“ Hey, you good? Need anything? ”
That voice, that warm honey-like voice he’ll never forget for sure. Jeno stood there in disbelief, gripping the doorknob. Renjun is standing there with an apron, cooking something that smells incredible but honestly, his brain is chanting curses, his heart is beating so loud he fears Renjun hears.
“ Come here sit and eat. ” Renjun’s tone is like how he remembers, firm but holds no demand. Shuffling his feet in small steps, Jeno sits across Renjun while the other is busy putting food for Jeno. His eyes locked on Renjun. It’s rude but he can’t help it. Eyes trailing to the fair slim hand busy putting soup in the bowl, lips in a tight line, his bangs slightly long prickling his eyes.
Jeno’s fixation was broken when Renjun puts the bowl in front of him. He picked up the spoon beside the bowl and muttered a small thank you before eating. The table was filled with silence, rather than an awkward one it still feels the same. It still felt like 2 years ago. He was about to speak but Renjun beat him to it by suddenly getting up.
“ I’m gonna shower. I have something to do at the faculty so I need to go first. The door locks by itself so just make sure to close it before you go out. ”
Renjun didn’t even look at his eyes while talking but he circled back halfway through the door to Jeno’s side. He tilts his head to look at Renjun who’s looming over him at his side, noticing how his hands are clenching and unclenching hesitantly.
This time he really looks into Jeno’s eyes, his gaze saying too many unvoiced words. He noticed it a bit tad late but Renjun’s eyes are swollen. Like slow-motion, Renjun pats Jeno’s head and before Jeno can lean into the touch, Renjun retracts his hand.
“ Take care of yourself Jeno, please? ” And Renjun dashed out.
Ah.
Hot tears streaming down his cheeks. Even with his throbbing head, Jeno whimpers. Food forgotten the sleeves of his shirt keeps getting wetter with how much he rubs the tears away. He should stop crying, nevertheless, it still falls. It still hurts as much.
What you were saying,
I think now I kinda get it
Even though you spat it out in passing
I was so dense
I didn’t even know back then
I think you’re curious about me too
With how much they crossed paths with each other right after Renjun brought his drunk ass home, it dawns on to Jeno there’s no way they didn’t bump at all in the past 2 years. Was it the will to not try and search for Renjun in the crowds? Was it Renjun who’s sneakily been hiding from him very well? They met in the cafeteria, bumped each other in the halls, and accidentally sat at the same table in the library. Sometimes Renjun even comes to watch his evening football practices. Well, obviously not for him, it’s the same person he saw with Renjun before, the tall junior in his team whose name is Jisung.
He’d be lying if those interactions between Renjun and Jisung doesn’t make him twitch in annoyance, but all he can do is watch from the sidelines. He shouldn’t interfere with Renjun's personal affair. They don’t have anything really but his body reacts faster when he sees Jisung arm circling Renjun’s waist, and before he can stop himself, his hand is already holding Jisung’s arm to prevent his action.
“ Wha– Oh, Jeno? Is there anything I can help you with? ” Jisung looked at him with a very confused look. Jeno isn’t the type to approach people so this is weird. Jeno on the other hand busy staring at Renjun who also seem confused with his antics. Realizing what he had done, he lets Jisung’s hand go. Muttering a hasty apology, he scurries away to the change room with a hand sweeping his hair back, frustrated.
Renjun looks at him endearingly, knowing the exact reason why this happened. He smiled to himself before turning to look at Jisung and asking if he was okay.
***
“ You study here? '' Jeno didn’t mean to offend Renjun but he seriously never saw Renjun in this library area. It’s a table of four hidden behind the bookshelves of the engineering section. He’s pretty sure he has never seen him here before. Not many know about the spot anyway. Renjun looks up at him and smiles with amusement.
“ Every place in the library is never reserved for anyone. If you wanna sit here, then just sit. Don’t be silly.” He shifts his focus to his laptop. Jeno stood there stunned for a second before taking a seat in front of him. Arranging his items like laptop and notebooks before working on his assignments in silence. Okay, he lies. Jeno doesn't even try to work on his assignments to be honest. He spends his time staring at Renjun, leaving his laptop unattended. He tried to be discreet but no way it’ll be unnoticed.
“ Am I that pretty that it’s been an hour and you’re still staring? ”
“ Yeah, I do.”
Renjun chuckled, finding the act far from uncomfortable yet endearing. It’s a normal thing with Jeno really. Jeno’s the type that doesn’t speak his feelings much but his action really does speak louder. He took care of Renjun gently, like he’s a fragile thing even when he’s 2 years younger. Still doesn’t change. Still the same Jeno.
It became a weekly thing, going on for a couple of months. Coming to study at the library, same place, same time. They exchange small talks alongside studying or working on assignments. Jeno’s place went from in front of Renjun to right beside him.
Renjun is sleeping, head on his arms facing him. Pink lips jutted into a pout, looking so calm like a cat sleeping soundly. So cute. Jeno resists the urge to pet him. He wonders are they okay now? With just a couple of hours studying weekly, where do they stand now? Did they have their closure right? If someone asks if he still loves Renjun, he does. He still loves his first love. It doesn’t fade away one bit.
Letting out a sigh, he gently woke Renjun up. It’s already past 9.00 p.m. The library will close in about an hour but they usually end their study session before 8.00 p.m. He was too caught up in his thoughts ( and watching Renjun sleeping ) to realize the time.
“ Renjun, it’s already 9. Let’s go back. ”
Renjun sat up straight trying to make sense of everything in his sleepy state. Jeno who had already tidied up his things tidies up Renjun’s scattered paper and pens. Renjun just watches Jeno moving his hands like a movie playing in front of him. When he’s done, Jeno stands beside Renjun who stares off into space. Before he could say anything, Renjun hugs his waist, nuzzling his face right into Jeno’s stomach. Jeno halts. His brain kind of stopped working too.
“ Thankyou Jeno… You’re always so nice…but I kinda wish you don’t have abs so this can be soft right now. ”
What the fuck
***
Jeno remembers he said no. He remembers he already tucked himself in his bed, already choosing a movie to watch before sleeping. Then what is he doing at this party right now? How did he get here? Jaemin. Jaemin who begged Jeno to go with him since there was no one else wants to or they already went first. Jaemin who even chose the outfit for Jeno to wear tonight said he needs to get laid saying “ I don’t remember you being abstinence so I’m gonna make you sexy tonight! ”. Jaemin who left Jeno alone right after they stepped into the house. Hah, what a joke.
The loud music blazing rings in his head. He wants to get away quickly, making quick steps trying to get past sweaty bodies searching for the kitchen. When he got to the kitchen, the kitchen counter is full of soju bottles. He’s tempted. Grabbing one, he sits on top of the kitchen counter, gulping down the cheap alcohol in his hand right from the bottle. All he can think about now is Renjun. He wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him stupid. He wants Renjun. His mind travels back to times he hooks up with other people, in the heat of moment, he imagined it’s Renjun. Renjun’s slim hands gripping the sheets, Renjun’s pink lips he’s kissing. He felt both guilty and disgusting so at one point he stopped. He stopped right around when Renjun brought him home. No one can ever replace Renjun.
He was snapped from his thought when he heard some kind of panting near him. There’s a bathroom a couple of steps beside him. He slides down the counter to get away before he hears more when he recognizes the voice. He didn’t even think further and knocked on the bathroom door frantically until it opens up. There, stood Renjun panting with his hair messed up, lips swollen, and a guy he doesn’t recognize with his shirt that has been unbuttoned. He felt his eyes burn at the sight, grabbing Renjun’s hand and blindly going outside. Hand holding tightly on the soju bottle he forgot to put away. He stopped walking when Renjun yanked his hand.
“ Hey! Didn’t you see what I was doing? ” Renjun’s voice sounds frustrated. No, he is. It’s written all over his face.
“ I hate what I saw.” Jeno heaved a heavy sigh and crouched down on the grass. He hates so much he didn’t know how he couldn't punch the other guy first. He can’t look at Renjun. Bet everything is showing on his face right now. He stared hard at his own shoes. Fuck. He shouldn’t come at all tonight, he’s better off not knowing.
“ If you hate people fucking me, ” Renjun bends down grabbing Jeno’s cheeks, tilting them so he can look at him.
“ you’re going to be the one who’s fucking me.”
***
Sunday morning felt incredible. Jeno woke up earlier than he used to, shifting to lie on his side so he can watch Renjun sleeping. It’s his favorite thing to do. Watching how calm he is, how steady his breaths are. How he’s here. They can’t be separated now that they have been fucking, on a daily basis at that. Couldn’t even get their hands off each other.
On slow days, they go out together. Frequently visits movies, eating lunch together between classes, drinking their stress away together. They spent their time mostly together and they’ll end up on the bed at the end of the day. Jeno chuckles, tucking away Renjun’s bangs behind his ear, Renjun stirs his eyes open.
“ Sorry, did I wake you up? ”
Jeno’s raspy morning voice made Renjun smile. He inched closer and hugs Jeno, kissing him square on the lips. Jeno didn’t even wait before kissing him back. They move gently, different from the eager ones before. Renjun the one who pulled away first, caressing Jeno’s right cheek with his other hand that’s not occupied with hugging his waist.
“ I wanna talk about this. Can we? ”
Jeno nods, allowing Renjun to go on. Hands mindlessly tracing Renjun’s back.
“ Do you love me? ”
The question caught him off guard that he choked on his spit. Definitely didn’t expect that was going to be the first question. He stares long into Renjun eyes. All he could feel was truly bliss. Hands cupping Renjun’s cheek, pecking his lips.
“ Yeah, I have always been in love with you. I love you with all my heart in all different ways. ”
“ Me too. I do love you.”
“ You sound like saying I do to get married. ”
“ Yeah. I’m saying I do to start again. Will you? ”
“ Yes, I do.”
They giggled, hearts full of emotions they stored away for two years. Hugging each other tightly not wanting to let go. Maybe it’s easy for them because they know they still love each other dearly. They held tight to the feelings they have instead of letting them go. The trust they have for each other is what keeps them going. The sex was only a catalyst to let the feelings be free. They can start again and if anything happens, they’ll fight for it this time. It’s true first love never lasts but that only applies to people who don’t hold on to each other as much as they love them.
The short time where you weren’t by my side
I needed that, for this ending to happen
Did my memories get erased
I don’t even remember being hurt
Baby when I look at your eyes
I didn’t expect this day
Would appear again like fate