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♫ i remember it all too well
♫ they say all's well it ends well but i’m in a new hell every time
taylor swift's all too well 10 mins version hit especially hard right now for the long haired poker faced lady with bangs covering more than half of her forehead, who is now sitting on a bar chair, half drunk may i add.
♫ you double crossed my mind
a certain twenty five year old male crossed her half awakened mind and still she would say she won’t cry being drunk.
and yes it never happened before, never has she ever cried drunk, at least not until she let him go,
just like that,
after tying her shoelaces and hugging her.
everything is a blur, it feels unreal, all the times she dared to say they would last together forever and ever, just got proven wrong.
it’ll be safe to say she once thought she knew everything in life, but it seems like she’s just as clueless as a new norm now, how can someone know everything at 18 but not at 21 anymore ?
the feeling is empty, you feel lost, the feeling when what you have always believed in lasts forever, is just gone.
and it would be an understatement to just say, it fucking hurts.
If you ask Na Heedo, who’s trying to drink her mind away, it doesn’t just fucking hurts, i don’t think it can even be described in words, it’s like she dropped her own heart, except it was glass and it broke, it’s like a piece of paper being crumbled up, unable to be open and wrinkle-less again, It’s like her once coloured world just get shaded into a piece of mono painting which the paint got soaked and dissolved in the rain. He has taught her a language she can’t speak with anyone else. It hurts more than a physical wound could ever fucking hurt, because this time it’s the heart that’s broken, everytime she breathes, it hurts.
Just like a physical wound though, it can be healed with treatment and you can put a bandage on it to prevent the condition from worsening. This wound at her heart can be healed too, except the only treatment and bandage , she knows too well, is only Baek Yijin.
Heedo misses Yijin.
On an hourly basis, she wonders how Yijin is doing, worrying more about him than her own self becomes her daily routine now.
things must be hard for him
i wonder if he has anyone supporting him now like i once did
if only my support could still reach him
all these thoughts clouds Heedo’s tiny head
but
she just can’t get herself to call him. because she knows, they broke up for themselves, for their own good. they can’t be lovers at the bad times, only a damned burden. Maybe someday, when they can truly rely on each other, then that will be their time.
after all, it was a peaceful break up, and frankly, Heedo has never ever actually imagined this will be how a breakup feels like. of course it feels worse than she ever imagined, but she also never thought a relationship can end with a hug, it’s just not the same as the toxic ones she sees on tv drama as,
baek yijin you always teach me new things
she whispers, followed by a cold laugh she gives herself.
-
‘Did I do the right thing?’
♫ maybe we got lost in translation
The man with a wrinkled top, unshaved, lies on his bed, with all too well playing on his phone speakers.
today have been a long day for him, covering all sorts of tragic stories,
and yet the first thing that pops into his mind once he lies on his bed is her.
if only she chose to share everything with her, including all the sad stuff, if only ….
of course, regrets, but it’s too late.
Baek Yijin has learnt the lesson of keeping shit to himself the hard way.
He puts down a half full cup of alcohol and carefully lights a cigarette as regret washes him over.
That's when Heedo’s last advice for him pops up, don’t rely too much on alcohol, go to therapy.
But he knows damn well, the therapy that will work the best, as it has always been, is her, na heedo, the one who is capable of healing him the best is only heedo.
oh, if only he could turn back in time,
“I'd go back in time and tell myself, Na heedo is someone you can tell everything to, you don’t have to suffer alone, she’s always there for you.” Yijin mumbles staring into the empty walls of his room.
all the if onlys again, unfortunately, this ain’t a sci-fi world nor a fairy tale but the harsh reality.
nevertheless, fuck a sci-fi fuck a fairytale fuck the harsh reality,
He misses her so much, her tan skin, her sweet smile, and mostly, her unwavering and never ending support for him.
if only lying next to him isn’t bottles of alcohol, but Na heedo.
if only….
-
Yijin’s phone suddenly rings.
and the name that appears on screen got him slapping himself and pinching his face.
Na Heedo
it says.
He picks up a second after composing himself.
no voice
three seconds
still nothing
“hey heedo?” Yijin says.
Still there’s no response, Yijin’s starts to worry if something happened.
but suddenly the other side of the phone starts wailing, loudly. and yijin can be sure it’s heedo.
“Heedo,'' Yijin mutters under his breath, unsure what to say while trying to stop a tear from dripping down his watery eyes.
“Are you okay, na heedo?” He asks as if it wasn’t obvious enough.
“I FUCKING MISS YOU” there comes heedo’s monster yell.
that’s enough for yijin to break down into a sobbing tear mess.
“me too”
no response
“you're drunk heedo”
“I'M NOT” heedo yells into her phone again.
Yijin signs, if only he could be right next to her right now.
“Is there anyone to take you home?” he tries again.
“I'M TWENTY ONE I CAN WALK MYSELF HOME.”
Yijin is beyond worried, Na heedo is twenty one and can NOT walk herself home being drunk.
“hey heedo i’ll hang up now” his voice through the speaker.
“WHYYYYY”
hearing that made Yijin’s heart break into a million pieces.
“bye heedo”
quickly he dials seungwan’s number telling her to pick Heedo up.
oh how much does he wishes he could be the one running to pick heedo up now
if only he’s not in New York
if only ….