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They’re just finishing loading up the patient into the back of the ambulance when TK’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He’s not really sure what compels him to pull it out and check who is calling him during an active call. Pretty much all the people he cares about that would be calling him are on shift right now anyways. Seeing the unknown number flashing across the screen causes his brow to wrinkle and his heart rate to pick up. Ignoring the funny look Nancy is giving him from where she is closing the ambulance door next to him he turns and presses the button to accept the call.
Everything after that happens in slow motion.
“Hello?”
“May I please speak with a TK Reyes-Strand” comes the voice too loud in his ear, as his stomach feels like he’s been pushed off a cliff, and his breath leaves him in a rush.
Somehow he manages to get his voice working enough to answer. “This is TK.”
“Sir, you are the emergency contact for Carlos Reyes-Strand. I am sorry to have to tell you that he’s been admitted to West Park and has just gone in to have emergency surgery.”
He hears the words, but his brain is having a hard time making sense of them. Emergency, Carlos, West Park. Surgery. They all shout at him loudly, but it doesn’t make sense.
“Sir?”
He tries to clear his throat. It feels like he’s drowning, he can’t get any air and at the same time ice fills his bones like it did that fateful day during the ice storm when he was plunged under the freezing water. Except this time it’s not him whose hurt. This time it’s Carlos.
The phone buzzes in his hand again and he looks down, surprised that it has somehow dropped from where he was holding it against his ear. Carlos’ partner’s name flashes on the screen. Matt Wilson and Carlos have been partners since Carlos switched to being a detective almost two years ago and TK’s gotten to know the man quite well in that time.
“TK?” Nancy’s voice from behind him startles him and he’s spinning around to face her. One hand still gripping the phone tightly like he can somehow hold on to Carlos through the device, the other going to touch his wedding ring which hangs next to the Austin PD pendant around his neck.
TK doesn’t even realize that the back doors of the ambulance have opened again, Captain Vega stepping out to see what the hold-up is, until she’s standing right in front of him. He can’t seem to focus on any one thing, his mind unable to process what is going on around him while his heart is lost somewhere in West Park Hospital.
He vaguely feels Captain Vega take the phone from his grip, having to gently remove his fingers from the white knuckle hold. Her face is a serious mask of professionalism as she responds to the voice that TK hadn’t even realized was still sounding from the other side of the void.
TK’s free hand searches for something to hold on to, immediately going to his head and pulling at his hair in a tight grip that would make him wince, but he doesn’t feel. Nancy gently pulls his hand free, guiding him to sit on the footboard of the ambulance when TK realizes with a start there patient is still inside glancing curiously at the trio.
Nancy seems to notice this at the same time and TK thinks he hears her say something to the man about being on their way soon. The next second Captain Vega is back in front of him and he’s being guided to the passenger seat of the ambulance.
The drive to Memorial is short, Memorial being the closest hospital to their call. Memorial usually is the closest hospital to their service area and Carlos’ district. The fact that he was brought to West Park strikes another icy bolt into TK’s heart. West Park is a trauma center. Trauma means nothing good for Carlos or TK.
TK recognizes that Nancy is shooting him worried looks the whole drive over, but it’s beyond him right now to be able to respond in any way. He’s drowning in the idea of a world without Carlos. Some morbid part of his brain telling him that this is what he gets for having too much of a good thing.
Soon enough Captain Vega is pulling him out of his seat and gently guiding him into the back of the ambulance. Her warm hand wraps around his wrist, fingers gently pressing over the pulse point. TK knows his heart rate is high, in some disconnected way he can feel the panicked thrumming of it in his chest, but he’s helpless to change it. Helpless to do anything.
Then the incessant buzzing of his phone in his pocket is back. The feeling of it being what triggered this whole damn mess. He harshly pulls it out, pounding on the decline button and shoving it back into the depths. He knows it’s likely to go off again, but he can’t bring himself to be bothered to answer or to turn it off completely. As predicted the phone buzzes again not two second after it’s back in his pocket and this time when TK pulls it out he presses the green button to accept Matt’s call.
“Hello?” his voice comes out scratchy and low, lifeless.
“TK, thank god, Carlos was injured. You should probably come down to the hospital man” Matt’s voice comes through. TK can tell that he’s trying to keep his voice steady, probably so as not to panic him, but they’re way beyond that.
TK nods his head before remembering he’s on the phone, so he clears his throat, “yeah I know, the hospital called.” Matt swears under his breath and it floats across the line. “How.. how bad is it Matt?” TK’s voice stutters on the question. He wants to know, actually he needs to know, but despite his initial panic he’s not prepared for the answer that greets him.
“He was shot. Twice.” Matt answers solemnly and TK hears the moment his voice and his resolve breaks. “He wasn’t wearing his vest, TK. We weren’t even out doing anything; we were getting lunch.”
The words dunk TK right back into the icy water and again he’s struggling to reach the surface. Somehow he’s choking out his next words.
“Where was he hit?”
The long pause between the question and Matt’s reply is answer enough. This isn’t a hit to the arm or leg which can obviously be bad, but treatable. No this hit is devastating.
“Twice in the torso.” Matt’s whispered words might as well be a bullet to TK’s own heart. He loses his grip on the phone, as everything in him goes numb. The sound of the phone dropping to the floor of the ambulance shatters the remains of TK’s hold on his control as he curls into himself, shaking hard, breaths coming in short, fast puffs of air.
“We’ll be there in two minutes, TK.” Vega’s reassuring voice is in his ear, hand rubbing up and down his back. "Just try to take a deep breath."
He jerks away from the touch. It doesn’t feel right. It’s not Carlos. The only person he wants touching him right now is Carlos.
Time means nothing throughout the rest of the trip to the hospital, but by the time the ambulance pulls to a stop in the bay of the emergency department, TK has shoved his emotions back inside the box that he hasn’t bothered hiding inside for a long time. He’s not sure he’d be able to find his way back out if he were to lose Carlos now.
Jumping out of the back of the ambulance TK walks purposefully up to the nurses desk. The familiar site, one he’s seen numerous times while dropping patients off, feels ominously different now.
“Hey TK.” Steph, one of the nurses TK has become friendly with over time greets him with an easy smile. It drops from her face as she takes in his stiff posture. “What can I do for you?”
“My husband, Carlos Reyes-Strand, was brought in not too long ago.” TK answers flatly back, not even bothering to try and muster a smile.
“Shit, TK I am so sorry, let me check on him for you.” Sympathy is painted on Steph’s face as she taps the keys of the keyboard. The clicking sound makes TK want to grind his teeth, instead he clenches his jaw hard.
Steph looks back up at him, stepping around the desk as she relays what TK likely knew was going to be the case. “Looks like he’s still in surgery. I can bring you up to the surgery waiting room and try to see if I can get an update from the OR nurse.”
TK’s sinking back into himself at the thought of Carlos in surgery. At the thought of the damage he’s seen bullets do to human flesh. At the worst case scenarios running through his head at a pace too fast for him to latch on to any one thought.
He feels the steady presence of another body step up beside him, hearing Nancy’s voice answering for him, “An update would be great, I think we can manage to make it up to the waiting room.”
“Sure Nancy, I’ll go see about that update.” Steph answers before lightly placing a hand on TK’s shoulder. The action causes a visible shudder to race through him and he has to clench all his muscles to stop from shaking off this touch the same as Captain Vega’s. Thankfully Steph seems to understand it’s not welcome and she drops her hand before addressing TK, “I’ll be back soon, just hang in there TK.”
Nancy’s hand replaces Steph’s on his shoulder a second later and he swears he knows she’s only trying to comfort him, but this time he can’t hold himself back from shaking it off. Even in his hazy state he doesn’t miss the surprised hurt that crosses his partner's face. He doesn’t blame her; any other time he’s the first to reach out for physical touch. The connection usually helps to ground him, now it just feels like a betrayal. Like any touch he allows himself to accept will jinx the delicate balance of the universe.
Just then the familiar voice of Carlos’ partner breaks through, as he’s calling across the waiting room to them, “TK. Have they told you anything?” Matt rocks back on his heels, an uncanny gesture for the usually unflappable detective. When TK looks at him he can’t help but notice the red stain on his shirt sleeves and the collar. Such a bright color standing out against the light blue of the shirt. Red that represents Carlos’ blood being spilled. TK realizes he’s staring, fixated on the stain when Matt carefully folds the sleeves over, hiding the worst of the blood under the fold. It’s been an awkward minute and TK recalls that Matt asked him a question, but for the life of him he can’t recall what it was as his eyes carefully catalog every speck of red he can find on the other man.
It's Nancy that answers after another uncomfortable beat, bless her for taking over when she knows TK isn’t able. “No, one of the nurses was just going to get an update, and we were going to head up to the surgery waiting room. You should come.”
Matt nods at Nancy. They’ve met a few times at the family dinners that have expanded over the years outside of just the 126. “Yeah, thanks.” Matt nods, moving into TK’s space to pat TK’s shoulder and it’s all he can do to bite back the retort at another unwelcome touch. Thankfully this touch only lasts a second and TK is able to step gracefully away in an effort to both make it to the waiting room to hopefully get news about Carlos and also to put some distance between himself and everyone else.
Once in the waiting room, minutes turn into an hour, of the three of them sitting side by side in the stiff hospital chairs. Captain Vega has returned to join them, bringing Nancy and TK a change of clothes and a welcomed coffee, while telling them they're off rotation. The hour is steadily ticking into two before the appearance of Andrea and Gabriel Reyes jump starts TK’s brain enough to realize that he hasn’t bothered to contact anyone else. He glances questioningly at Tommy, grateful for his team’s ability to communicate without words about almost all things.
“I ran into your dad at the station, I presume he called them.”
“TK mijo.” Andrea is crying, as she pulls TK up out of the chair and into her tight embrace. TK leans into this touch, not daring to pull away or give her any more reasons to worry.
Gabriel stands close to his wife, hand placed on her back comfortingly. “Has there been any news?” He asks gruffly.
TK shakes his head as he steps out of the embrace. “Not for a couple of hours and even then it was just that he was in surgery and it was going as well as can be expected with his injuries.”
His words send a fresh wave of tears sliding down Andrea’s cheeks and Gabriel’s eyes shine. TK’s eyes are suspiciously dry. Posture stiff as he offers his chair to Andrea. Nancy gets up to move from the spot she was occupying beside it and both Andrea and Gabriel sink gratefully into the chairs.
“We are sorry it took us so long to make it here. We were working on the ranch and didn’t get the call for a while.” Andrea tells him softly.
He shrugs, not really wanting to admit that he hadn’t necessarily noticed their absence in his drowning world of despair. “S’okay. Not much here to do besides sit and wait anyways.”
“Si, but we’ll always be here to support you, both of you.” Gabriel answers steadily while Andrea takes TK’s hand, pulling him to sit in the chair next to hers.
TK let’s everyone else carry the conversation as he sits in the chair, silently twirling his wedding ring round his finger. The skin beneath the ring feels slightly raw despite the callouses that have already developed from his habit of fidgeting with the ring. Ever since Carlos placed the ring on his finger almost two years ago, TK hasn’t been able to stop playing with it.
When he’s happy, he runs his fingers along the light engraving, picturing the moment Carlos placed the ring on his finger at their wedding. When he’s nervous, he’ll spin the ring around allowing the energy to flow out of him and the feeling to center him. A constant reminder of the love he has always waiting for him at home. His favorite though is to link his left hand with Carlos’ so that their two bands clink together softly. The sound a happy reminder of the amazing partner he gets the privilege of loving every day.
TK pulls Carlos’ ring out from where he tucked it underneath his hoodie when Steph handed it to him amongst Carlos' other personal effects. The ring is still attached to the chain holding the 252 pendant that Carlos wears it on while he’s working. TK gently clinks his ring against Carlos’, but the sound isn’t quite right, the pitch is off, quieter, dimmer, lacking. Like the sound is confirming the desperation of the situation.
That small sound is all it takes for TK to break again. His hand raises to press his fist hard against his mouth in an attempt to stifle the cry that wants to escape. The small sound that manages to make it out draws the unwanted attention of everyone in the room. All heads swivel to him, laser focus on TK’s impending breakdown and he really doesn’t want an audience for this. He stumbles clumsily to his feet. Head spinning a little at the change in position after sitting so long in the same spot. A warm hand catches his elbow, grip strong as it steadies TK whilst guiding him past the staring faces into the hall. The hand doesn’t leave his arm even as they make their way down the hall, around a corner, finding a quiet bench in front of a window.
Once he’s out of sight and hearing of the other’s the dam breaks, great heaving sobs tearing out of him. Arms he instantly recognizes as Andrea Reyes' wrap around his back, pulling him into her chest. He can feel the beads of the rosary she has clutched in her fist digging into his spine, but the discomfort is almost a blessing. It grounds him in this reality. It lets him focus on a different feeling than that of his heart literally being ripped out of his chest.
“Shhhh mi amor. Carlos is strong. He won’t leave us. Especially not you.” The quiet words are whispered in his ear. He wishes he could believe them, but sometimes he knows the body and soul just don’t have a choice. He’s seen it too many times as a paramedic to believe any different.
He lets her have her words though. Not willing to argue with the woman who has become the closest thing to a mother he has left in this world. He doesn’t know how long they sit there, but his body feels stiff by the time he leans out of the embrace and he watches as Andrea stretches her back. “I’m sorry.” he whispers remorsefully, a part of him wishes he could be the one giving the comfort, telling Carlos’ mom that he knows it will all be okay, but he lost that ability sometime between the words West Park and emergency surgery during that very first phone call.
Predictably Andrea waves his concern away, a gentle kiss pressed to his temple as she guides him to standing again. They make their way back to the waiting room, entering just before a doctor dressed in scrubs comes in asking for TK.
“Here.” he answers, “But they’re all family, whatever you need to say.”
The doctor takes a look around the room before nodding his head. “Carlos is stable for now. He was hit twice, one bullet pierced his left upper quadrant narrowly missing his stomach, but it did puncture his lung. We were able to repair the lung and I am confident it will recover full function in time. The other wound was a bit more complicated, making a mess of the left lower quadrant. We did exploratory surgery to repair the damage and I believe we were able to find it all, but there is always the chance for complications. On top of that we had to remove his left kidney and resect some of his colon. I can’t lie to you, he’s not out of the woods yet and he is looking at a long recovery, but I am optimistic.”
TK’s knees have gone weak at hearing all of the damage that has been done to Carlos’ body and he has to lock them into place to keep himself upright.
“When can we see him?” Andrea asks, stepping forward slightly.
The doctor regards her with kind eyes, but a firm voice as he answers, “I’m afraid only one visitor will be allowed in the ICU for now as his situation is still precarious.”
“TK,” the doctor says, turned to him, “If you would like I can show you there.” TK is startled by the question directed at him. Andrea is Carlos’ mom and she deserves to go see him first. He tries to voice this as he glances at her, mouth moving open and closed, but no sound escaping.
The gentle nudge from Andrea on his shoulder, followed by Gabriel’s words, “Go on son, we’ll go after.” get him moving. He follows the doctor on unsteady legs, sure they’re going to give out at any moment and the doctor's quick pace is almost too much for him to keep up with. But then they enter a glass walled room and as the doctor moves forward to the side of the bed; TK gets his first glimpse of Carlos. It’s lucky that a chair is strategically placed close to the bedside he’s on because at that moment he becomes a puppet whose strings have been cut, collapsing heavily into the chair.
“We have him on the ventilator to give his lungs time to rest, but I am confident we’ll be able to wean him off that tomorrow. As long as everything continues to trend in the right direction.” The doctor’s voice is steady, calm, almost soothing and yet it sets TK on edge. He knows professionalism, normally respects it, he has had to employ it daily in his own work, but here and now it just feels detached, unfeeling, like Carlos is just another body on the table, not the warm, kind, strong man TK needs in his life.
“He’s heavily sedated, but people often find comfort in talking to their loved ones, some studies even suggest benefits of it.” The doctor continues until it’s clear that TK isn’t going to give him a response, “I’ll leave you then, the call button is there if you need anything.”
Then the doctor is gone, leaving TK alone with this shell of Carlos that occupies the hospital bed. As TK watches the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest happening in time with the hiss and suck of the ventilator, TK comes to find a new appreciation for all the times he ended up in that bed with Carlos sitting in this chair. Thankfully they’ve had a relatively quiet couple of years, some minor injuries, but nothing serious. TK wonders if this is just the universe’s way of telling him he was getting too comfortable, that he was thinking he could have it all.
TK loses track of how long he sits in that chair, hand gripped tightly to Carlos’ limp one, dry eyes hardly blinking as he stares at the face he knows better than his own. The squeak of shoes on the floor announces the presence of another person, a middle-aged woman with kind deep brown eyes that remind him just a little too much of another pair of brown eyes he would do anything to see again.
“Hey hun, I’ll be Carlos’ nurse for the next 12 hours. I’m real sorry, but visiting hours are going to end at 7 and due to his condition we just won’t have room for you to stay the night.”
This startles TK, he’s never been super aware during any of his hospital trips, but from what he does remember, Carlos was always there throughout the night, never leaving until he was stable and the fear had passed enough for them to sleep separately.
“Oh, I didn’t realize.” he mumbles, “Do you think his mom and dad could visit while I’m here then? I don’t think I can leave him.”
The nurse smiles kindly at him, “I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
He nods numbly, already not sure how he’s going to survive leaving Carlos in just … he glances at the watch on his wrist, it’s already six o’clock. He has no idea where the day went. He sits there trying not to obsess about the time that’s ticking down until he has to leave Carlos again or the thought of something terrible happening the second he steps out of this room. Twenty minutes have passed when he hears several more footsteps at the doorway. Picking his head up from where he had rested his forehead on Carlos arm he finds Andrea and Gabriel entering the room. Their steps are quiet, tentative, like they might break the seal that’s keeping the peace if they walk too heavy or move the wrong way.
Andrea’s eyes are wet as she makes her way to TK’s side, reaching her hand to squeeze his and Carlos’ joined hands. Gabriel opts to go to the other side of the bed, clasping a careful hand on Carlos’ leg. TK sees the way his fingers shake and his eyes close tightly against the pain of seeing his son in such a state. Sometime in the next minute TK remembers his manners and he stands to let Andrea take the only seat in the room. She purses her lips at him, but one glance at the stubborn look on his face and she sits down. Throughout the whole movement none of them break their contact with Carlos.
TK begins to feel the exhaustion of the day creeping into his bones. His limbs feel heavy with it and his eyes are gritty. Still the next 30 minutes pass agonizingly quickly and soon the same nurse from before is back. Apologizing, while gently explaining again how they can’t have any overnight visitors tonight. Both Andrea and Gabriel take one look at TK and begin to argue on his behalf, but it’s no use. Apparently no one is winning this battle.
When it becomes clear that TK isn’t going to be able to leave this room of his own volition, Andrea takes over. She pulls TK’s hand with her once she releases Carlos’, giving TK’s a gentle squeeze. TK wants to fight back, pull his hand away, hold on to Carlos with everything he has left as if he could pull the other man back from the brink with his bare hands. Instead he grips Andrea’s hand back tightly, leaning over to place a gentle kiss to Carlos’ forehead and to whisper an “I love you” and “I’ll be back soon” in his ear.
TK is surprised when instead of detouring back to the waiting room Andrea pulls him right into the elevator and pushes the button for the first floor. He glances up at her, eyes flashing between her and Gabriel questioningly.
“The nurse explained that we wouldn’t be able to stay the night, so we sent the others home assuring them we’d take care of you.” Andrea answers softly. “Plus I knew if we let you back into that waiting room you were likely to claim a chair for yourself and declare that you were staying the night. You deserve real rest Mijo.”
She’s not far off the mark, that had actually been TK’s intention when he was told about visiting hours. Part of him is frustrated at her knowing him so well, at pulling him away from Carlos, but a bigger part of him knows it is only because they love him too, and want what’s best for him.
They arrive back at the loft, it being closer to the hospital makes sense for them to be there even if there isn’t a lot of spare space for guests. Once inside Gabriel guides TK to sit on the couch while Andrea moves towards the kitchen. TK hears her sharp intake of breath and his head whips over to find what the problem is when it hits him. She’s staring at the counter hand covering her mouth, staring at the pamphlets and information books that TK had carefully placed there for him and Carlos to look through after their shifts were done. They had been talking about it for a while now and had officially decided to look into adoption. They were both so excited.
“Dios TK.” Andrea whispers, eyes widening as they meet his. TK feels his own eyes fill with tears, as he gets up slowly making his way to Andrea with Gabriel following closely behind. TK brushes his fingers gently across the edge of one of the papers, remembering vividly the conversation he and Carlos had a month prior about how they both felt ready to have children. They were so excited. He remembers the way Carlos’ eyes sparkled in excitement as he talked about how he always wanted to be a dad and how great he felt TK would be. Carlos’ confidence in TK never wavering, even as TK voiced his lingering concerns about his past and his struggles.
TK’s been clean going on four years now and even though he still has struggles they come less often and he has become better at managing. He has kept a support system through it all, regularly keeping in touch with his sponsor Cooper, although three a.m. phone calls have been rarely needed since that first tumultuous year. Thinking about it now, beneath the numb ache that Carlos’ uncertain health has left, TK feels the itch, the desire to hide away from all the feelings swirling inside him. The want to avoid what he sees as inevitable pain. A call to Cooper is probably in the cards for TK sooner rather than later.
Now though TK focuses back on Andrea’s face, her eyes are still scanning over the papers and her fingers have joined TK’s in reverently touching the edge.
“I didn’t know you two were thinking about adoption?” She asks softly.
“It was a recent thing.” TK answers, “We had actually planned to tell you both at the next family dinner. Adoption is a long process so we thought we had time.”
The end of his sentence trails off. Time, something that is so easy to take for granted.
“You still have time TK. Carlos will come back to us and you’ll have all the time.” Andrea assures him. They stand for a long moment in the kitchen just being together before Gabriel ushers TK back to the couch, and Andrea makes herself busy in the kitchen. Before long a steaming plate of food is placed in front of TK and despite not feeling like he could eat anything his stomach growls loudly.
Gabriel chuckles, “Best not to argue with your body son, or Andrea, because you know she’ll make you eat it.”
TK nods, picking up the fork next to the plate and beginning to eat. He feels bad because he knows Andrea’s food is always delicious, but right now it just tastes like sand on his tongue. He does manage to finish half the plate before giving up with an apologetic smile and a soft “thank you” directed at his mother-in-law.
“De nada.” She answers back, pushing him up off the couch and in the direction of his and Carlos’ bedroom. “Why don’t you go take a shower and then try to catch some sleep.”
TK nods and then asks, “Do you two need anything before I do?”
“We’ll be fine.” Gabriel assures him and TK doesn’t have the energy to argue or even really think about it more.
Walking into their bedroom is torture, so TK slides the door shut and crosses into the adjoining bathroom as fast as he can. Not able to bring himself to look at anything, he quickly strips off his clothes and steps into the shower. He barely feels the heat from the water even though he knows it’s just this side too hot, he wishes he could feel it though, craving the pain as something tangible to hold on to. He needs anything besides the weak staccato of his own heartbeat that feels out of sync ever since he left the other half lying in a hospital bed alone.
He somehow makes it through the shower and without much thought pulls a pair of sweats and an old sweatshirt of Carlos’ from the closet, before sinking into the bed. It feels too big and empty without Carlos there, which is kind of ridiculous because TK has slept in this bed before when Carlos has a night shift or comes home late during an investigation, but everything is different now. The thought that the other side of the bed won’t ever be filled again curls itself into TK’s stomach making him nauseous.
TK pulls Carlos’ pillow to his side and buries his face into it. Taking a deep breath and letting the smell of Carlos wrap around him like a blanket as TK lets go. He lets go of the tight hold on his emotions, he lets himself step out of the box he shoved himself back into, he lets it all out. He’s sure they Reyes’ can hear his sobs echoing, but he’s grateful that they give him this time. He knows by morning he’ll have shoved all of these feelings back into their tightly packed compartments, but for tonight, in this moment laying on the bed he shares with Carlos he lets it go.
Waking up in the morning is painful, for a moment TK forgets all about the events of the past day, but all too soon it’s rushing back at him. He sits up quickly in the bed, eyes catching the time on the bedside table clock, bright red showing him it’s only 5:45 am. He hears the muffled sounds of people moving through the loft and feels the need to pull himself out of bed to join them.
He is surprised when he does, to see not just Andrea and Gabriel, but also Nancy and his Dad mingling at the kitchen table. His eyes dart nervously to the kitchen where the adoption pamphlets were and he’s grateful to see that someone must have put them away last night. He must make some sound because four sets of eyes are suddenly on him and his dad is up out of his chair engulfing TK in a tight embrace before he can even move.
“He’s gonna be okay TK. He’s strong.” His dad says encouragingly. The words are similar to those he’s been hearing from everyone and TK doesn’t want to deny them, but he can’t quite believe them until it becomes reality. He follows his dad back to the table, sinking into the chair Nancy pulled out for him next to her, rubbing his fists against tired, dry eyes.
He leans into the embrace Nancy offers him, an apology for pulling away yesterday, and a comfort for his bruised soul now. It still doesn’t feel quite right letting himself have all these touches, all this comfort while Carlos is still laying in the hospital, but in the light of a new day TK knows Carlos would want him to take the comfort, to lean into the support. They’ve gotten really good at not just supporting each other, but also knowing that they both need additional support systems and people.
Andrea sets a steaming to-go mug of coffee in front of him, “We figured as soon as you were up you’d want to head back to the hospital.” she answers the unspoken question in his eyes. He nods gratefully, looking down at the comfortable clothes he wore to bed and trying to decide if it’s worth the time to change. Not wanting to spend all day in slept-in clothes he jumps up from the table, almost tripping over his own feet in his new haste to get back to the hospital and Carlos.
It only takes him a minute to change and when he’s stepping back out Andrea is handing him his backpack. “I packed a few things for you to stay busy with today.” she tells him, “I figured you wouldn’t want to leave, but I know how you get when your mind doesn’t stay busy.”
“Gracias.” he answers sincerely, placing a kiss on her cheek and gripping her hand tightly in his. His accent is horrible, but he’s been learning Spanish over the last several years and speaking it more often when around Carlos’ family. They had discussed how they wanted their children to be bilingual also and TK has loved being able to communicate with Carlos’ family in what feels like a special way and it just feels right now.
They arrive back at the hospital just before visiting hours begin again, but the nurse from the previous night waves him in as he stands at the door to Carlos’ room. There is another nurse there also.
“Good morning TK. I’m just about to leave, but Heather here will be with Carlos all day and the doctor should be rounding soon.” she says and with a gentle smile she continues, “Carlos had an uneventful night, which is great.”
TK smiles gratefully, telling her thank you as he sinks into the same chair as the night before. He notices another chair has been pulled in and Andrea takes a seat next to him. “As long as everything stays stable you’ll all be able to stay in his room today.” the new nurse, Heather, TK reminds himself, addresses him, Andrea, and Gabriel. He realizes suddenly that somewhere along the way they lost his dad and Nancy.
“They’re in the waiting room, mi amor.” Andrea assures him. “They said they’d come in to visit a little later.”
TK grabs Andrea’s hand giving it a squeeze of thanks while bringing their hands up to take Carlos’ just like the night before. The color has begun to return to Carlos’ cheeks, and his hand under theirs is warmer than before. These are real reminders for TK of the life still living within him and that he still has something to fight for. TK and Andrea remain sitting together, hands clasped on top of Carlos’ until the doctor enters the room an hour later. He looks up from the tablet in his hands with a wide smile on his face.
“Carlos did excellent overnight.” he exclaims. “We’ve begun to wean him off the ventilator and will continue to do so throughout the morning. With any luck by the afternoon we’ll be able to remove it completely. Also, his labs show that his remaining kidney is functioning well and compensating for the removal of the other. All things considered, I am very happy with the progress he has made.”
The news is like a piece of duct tape for TK’s shattered heart, temporarily holding it back together so that it hopefully has time to heal. Andrea next to him takes a deep breath and lets out an exclamation of joy. They know there is still a long way to go, but this positivity is bringing light into the dark for all of them.
“Thank you doctor.” TK says, “What can we expect for him recovery wise?”
“It’s still too soon to say much about his recovery, but this is all good and I am optimistic that if these trends continue he’ll be able to make a full recovery.”
“I understand, thank you.”
“Of course, please hit the call button if you need anything, otherwise I’ll be back a little later to check on Carlos again.” the doctor answers before leaving the room with sure steps, certainly moving on to the next patient of the morning.
A few days pass with more of the same. Thankfully Carlos is making acceptable progress, having moved from being critical to serious after the first night. As predicted the doctor is able to wean Carlos off of the ventilator that first afternoon, and he is breathing on his own with only small supplemental oxygen support. Everyone keeps telling TK that these are good things, Carlos is making good progress, but all that pales in comparison to the fact that he has yet to regain consciousness.
TK feels like he’s hanging on the edge of a cliff, with waning strength not sure how much longer he can hold on and feeling like the moment he lets go it will all be lost.
The afternoon of the fourth day he’s sitting in the same chair by Carlos’ bedside, hand clutching tightly to Carlos’ hand, head resting on top of his arms on the edge of the hospital bed. Andrea Reyes sits quietly in the chair next to his reading from a book she pulled out of her bag an hour or so ago. The past couple of days there has been a cycle of visitors popping in to see Carlos’ and TK, bringing food to eat and company to distract. Through it all Andrea Reyes has been a constant companion for TK. She’s given him space to be alone with Carlos and he’s done the same for her, but mostly they just exist in their love and pain together.
Andrea glances up from her book and TK feels heat on his cheeks at being caught staring at her. She just raises one eyebrow and tilts her head in question before setting the book aside and reaching into her bag to pull out something else. She reaches out to hand the stack of papers to TK and when he sees what they are his breath catches.
“I thought maybe you could read them to Carlos. Remind him of the future you both have that he has to come back to.” She tells him softly. “I can go for a walk, give you some privacy.” She moves to stand, but TK reaches out his hand to stop her.
His voice is shaky as he talks, “Would you like to stay? I think I could use the company for this.”
“Of course mijo. I just didn’t want to overstep my place.”
His lips pull up into the best approximation of a smile he can manage right now, “This is your place. He loves having you a part of our lives. We love having you a part of our lives.”
They’ve both cried enough tears for a lifetime in the last four days, but these sentiments have them blinking back wetness as TK turns back to Carlos and begins to read the information from the adoption pamphlet. Some of it is old information they already knew from when they first started looking into options. Some of it is new, but he reads it all.
“Carlos has always wanted a big family.” TK admits during a pause. “We used to joke about how much chaos that would bring into his orderly world, but then he always reminded me how much he loved my chaos and he was sure he’d love more.”
“He has always loved you for who you are.” Andrea states firmly.
TK nods and smiles, “Oh I know, and I love him for who he is. We just know each other better now that we work with each other instead of around each other.”
“We do.” comes the whispered, hoarse words from the bed and TK shoots up out of his seat in surprise.
“Hey baby, hey.” TK murmurs as he takes in warm brown eyes looking at him through hooded lids, with so much love he could drown in it. Carlos stares at him for a long moment and TK feels himself hold his breath.
“Breathe TK, breathe.” Carlos reminds him, and the familiar words from so long ago startle a chuckle out of TK as he takes a deep breath.
“Oh it’s so good to see you awake, mijo.” Andrea says as she places her hand on Carlos’ arm, drawing his line of sight to her.
That brings Carlos to look around the room, taking in his surroundings with drowsy eyes.
“You’re in the hospital babe. You were shot, do you remember?” TK asks while running a gentle hand through Carlos’ disheveled curls, elbow going to rest on the bed by his shoulder, face a breath away from his.
“Mhhh, yeah I think.” Carlos’ brow scrunches and TK knows he’s thinking hard, trying to piece together the puzzle in his likely foggy brain.
“Shhh, you don’t need to remember right now babe, but you’re here and you’re safe.” TK assures softly before he’s disrupted by the doctor and several nurses entering the space. TK pulls back just slightly giving them room to check on all the equipment and wires.
“It’s good to see you awake Carlos.” Sincerity is clear in the doctor’s voice, “You’re doing quite well all things considered.”
This makes anxiety flash in Carlos’ eyes and TK squeezes his hand, sending him a reassuring look when Carlos looks at him instead of the doctor. TK squeezes Carlos' hand and smiles gently in reassurance.
“We’ll give you some time, you're likely to still be groggy for a while, but I’d like to try to get you sitting upright by this afternoon. The sooner we can get you moving the better your recovery will go.”
TK winces in sympathy at the thought of Carlos moving any time soon, he knows recovery is going to be painful for his husband. He’s just glad he still gets the good hospital drugs to keep the pain at bay.
Carlos as expected seems to be slow to follow the conversation, but he nods his head in agreement, eyes never leaving TK’s.
“Great, we'll leave you then,” the doctor says to them before turning to address TK and Andrea. “Don’t be surprised if he falls asleep again rather quickly, he’s likely to still be in and out for some time.”
They both nod at him as the hospital staff file out of the room leaving the three occupants to share in the joy at having Carlos awake and truly on the mend.
TK picks up a cup of water with a straw from the bedside table, bringing it to Carlos’ lips gently urging him to take a sip. After several long sips Carlos pulls back, fixing an intense look on TK. “Were you reading about adoption to me?” He asks carefully, eyes flashing quickly to his mom before going back to TK.
“You heard that?” TK asks with wide eyes, “I mean I was hoping you could hear and it would help you come back to me, but I never thought.”
“Mhh yeah I heard you.” Carlos murmurs, “and it did help me come back. I want us to get to have our family TK.”
“Me too babe, more than anything.”
“Let’s not wait any more then.” Carlos suggests and TK gives him an incredulous look, pointedly allowing his gaze to move around the hospital room in emphasis. “You are not getting out of the late night of the baby stage by being laid up in recovery, babe.”
“Oh so you’ve decided you want a baby now.” Carlos jokes back.
TK pinches the skin on Carlos arm gently with just enough pressure to show he’s annoyed, “ No I just mean maybe," he hedges, "but let’s wait until you leave the hospital at the very least.”
“Listen to your husband Carlos. Just let us enjoy having you back.” Andrea interjects with humor clear in her tone, smiling fondly at them both.
“Si Mami.” Carlos agrees readily as his eyes begin to droop closed.
“Sleep babe, we’ll be here when you wake up.” TK assures softly, kissing Carlos’ head gently as he watches him drift back into a peaceful sleep.
“A baby hmm.” Andrea jokes to TK and he covers his eyes with his hand while shaking his head in embarrassment.
“We honestly hadn’t talked about it, and I think we’d be happy with a child of any age, I just can’t help but think of how adorable Carlos would look holding our baby.” TK responds genuinely. The picture clear in his mind and he thinks Carlos is right, they shouldn't wait any longer.
6 months later
“Are you sure this is the right time Carlos? I mean we just got everything moved into the new house and you only just started back at work a couple months ago.” TK worries his lip and bounces his leg as he asks his husband the same question he’s been asking on repeat since they got the call yesterday.
Carlos places his hand on TK’s knee stopping the bounce while simultaneously kissing him, forcing his lip from between his teeth. “We’re ready TK.” Carlos assures, “And we agreed no more waiting, we’ve had enough warnings already that time is a fickle thing.”
“You’re right.” TK asserts moving to open the passenger door of the SUV and hopping out before walking around the front and taking Carlos’ offered hand in his.
“Of course I’m right.” Carlos’ smug reply comes.
A mere ten minutes later TK watches Carlos hold their baby daughter for the first time TK can’t help but agree. He also can’t help snapping a picture and sending it to Andrea Reyes with the caption: Adorable. 😍