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There’s this dream I have sometimes.
I’m back in that field, grass up to my hips and lungs crushing with the weight of the world. My body is numb, and I can hardly breathe. I can’t keep going. I beg for God or whatever else may be listening to save me. In this dream, they do not answer.
I hear people approaching. They cut down the grass with their footsteps, methodically making their way through. I know they’re looking for me. I should run, but my legs are too heavy. By the time, they surround me, I’m passed out on the ground.
This is where I wake up. My heart is pounding, and I’m drenched in cold sweat. I’m back in my bedroom in this time outside my own. I see my desk and PC across from my bed with the lava lamp illuminating it with all its glory. My cat stirs from somewhere I can’t see. All I hear is my heartbeat and a clock ticking somewhere in the distance.
I get out of bed, taking a moment to steady myself. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this time, in this house, in my new life. The scrapes and bruises that used to mark my body are gone. Some left faint scars on my milky skin that few ever get to see. Here, where I can live with my new friends—my new family—I know I can be safe.
I need some water.
It’s about 3am. In normal houses, most people would be asleep. However, time meant very little to streamers. Even less so to those who traveled through it. This is why I’m not surprised to find someone in the kitchen at this time. Alban is halfway in the fridge, presumably rummaging for snacks. When all his gear is off and he’s stripped down to the boxers he calls his pajamas, it’s easier to startle him. Like me, he was always on edge by noise, knowing at any point someone would hunt him down. Here, we’ve learned to let our guards down, but some habits die hard.
Alban whips around hearing me enter. He has the milk jug open and a milk mustache to go with it.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Uh,” he stutters, wiping away the milk from his lip. “Definitely not eating cookies.”
I should be mad at him since I was the one who made them to save for today, but my emotions were still catching up to the present. He knows something’s wrong from the way I dismiss it. They all know me too well.
“Did you want some too?” he asks.
I shake my head and grab a glass from the cabinet. My hands are so shaky that it slips from my fingers. Alban catches with feline grace and sets it on the counter. He gets too close and notices the sweat over me.
“Are you—”
“I just need some water.” I fill my glass and down it within a minute. My throat still feels dry, but my stomach is in knots. Softly, Alban’s hand touches the small of my back. He’s hesitant. When I don’t pull away, he presses it firmly.
“You know if you need to talk, we’re all here, right?”
There’s that earnest look in his eyes so unlike the mischievous one he usually dawns but all so familiar. I used to struggle holding someone’s gaze. It gave too much away. Even before I was psychic, I could see the hatred in someone’s eyes when they saw me. I could see the genuine care there when I look at Alban now and any friend now. Before I realize, tears streak down my face.
Alban sits me down on the couch in the living room and holds me. Before coming here, I’d never felt love like this. No hugs. No loving words. No family. Yet, I’d known this boy for a small fraction of my life, and I can’t imagine being without him or the rest of our little family.
He stands when I begin to calm down, motioning for me to wait. One by one, he pulls out every member of Noctyx. Fufu-chan is always the first to sleep, but he’s the fastest to appear by my side. Even if his II’s aren’t open and his metal arms are cold when he holds me, I feel warm inside. By the time Yugo and Sonny wander out, I’m already on his lap with his arms tight around me as he whispers half-coherent assurances.
“Uki?” Sonny sits beside us, resting his head on my shoulder with a hand on my thigh. “Are you okay?”
Even slightly dazed, Yugo still calls out to me affectionately. “Mommy, you okay?” It nearly makes me laugh to see everyone like this. They huddle around me in a cuddle pile and Alban throws a blanket over all of us.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, baby,” Fufu-chan says. “We’ll be with you no matter what.” His II’s are open wide now, staring up to me. I could never tell him how much he means to me. How much Noctyx means to me. How when he holds me, it’s the safest I’ve ever felt. Like all the bad memories are only nightmares faraway. I can believe that everything will be okay.
I bury my face into his neck, feeling more tears down my cheeks. This time, I know they’re happy tears. Fufu-chan presses a kiss to my forehead and strokes my hair. “You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”
It takes me a while to catch my breath. I mutter into his skin, “I dreamt I was back in my time again.” His arms tighten around me. I hear the breaths they take when I say it. For most of us, for me especially, the future is a time we’d like to forget. Fufu said he was the one to find me the day I arrived here, even if I don’t remember it. He never tells me what the day was like when he did, and I know better than to ask. I don’t want to think about what he and everyone else saw that day.
“I was back in the field.” I pause, holding onto Fufu tighter. “The people were chasing me, but… Nothing happened. No star. No portal. No Noctyx.”
“Uki…” Yugo leaned his head on my lap and hugged my legs. “You know we’re here with you now though, yeah? We’re not going to leave you.”
Sonny and Alban chip in, reminding me that I’m not alone anymore. And maybe I can believe that this really is my present now. I laugh while the tears continue streaming. Seeing me smile, they all huddle in closer, squeezing me tighter. I can feel hands in funny places and their faces smushed in my sides. Their bodies weigh me down, but I feel light and warm.
“I love you guys,” I whisper.
“We love you too,” Fufu says and nestles his head against my neck. “So much.”
We rest there for a while with nothing but our breathing between us. When someone starts to snore—Yugo adamantly argues it isn’t him—we reluctantly head back to our rooms. Alban, Yugo, and Sonny each place a soft kiss to my cheeks and forehead before it’s just me and Fufu. He slowly rubs circles on my hips, still holding me softly in his lap.
We had yet to really put a name on what we were. While I flirted with any attractive man, Fufu was different. The way he could banter with me, unafraid to push back, putting me happily in my place. The way he could push all my buttons while making me smile. The way he could set aside everything to make sure I’m okay. The way he could hold me so sweetly in his arms while making me feel truly treasured.
He looked up at me, cheek resting on my shoulder. I can feel the questions rattling around in his head with worry and love. “I’m okay,” I whisper. I cup his face in my hands and run a thumb across his lips. It’s so soft in sharp contrast to the hard metal of his body. “It’s just the two of us…”
A smile breaks onto his lips as he laughs. “That’s true.”
“Can I…?”
Without me finishing, he leans up and presses our lips together. He is never one for public displays of affection. At first, I thought he was too shy or embarrassed to be with me, but it’s not true. He gives his everything only to me, for my eyes only.
Mine.
“Yosh.” Fufu hooks an arm under my legs and one behind my back. With a grunt, he stands with me in his arms. My hands immediately grab onto his booba, and I let out a little yelp. I feel his laughter rumbling in his chest as his hands tighten around me. “You are sleeping with me tonight.” He sees the glimmer in my eyes, and a blush quickly crawls up his neck to his cheeks. “Not like that.” He pauses before adding quietly, “Save that for another night.”
He takes me to his room, laying me gently on his bed. The room is filled with plants, a sight unfamiliar with his own reality now far from us. It makes the air here lighter. The sights brighter. The world livelier. He gets in the other side, pulling me into his arm. My head rests against his chest with the rest of me tucked against his frame.
“Hey, Fufu?” My fingers idly explore his torso, drawing constellations in his freckles. He twirls a lock of my hair and hums. I will never get tired of hearing his voice. Whether it’s the archivist in him or the Legatus he wants to be. I love it all. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“And thank you for being you.” He nuzzles against me closer. “I mean it. For me and all of Noctyx. You are an amazing person.”
He doesn’t say it, but I hear it. That “L” word we’re too afraid of admitting between just us. At least, for now. One day, he’ll say it. It will be just the two of us, and there won’t be a shred of hesitation in his voice. That day isn’t now, but it will be soon. I steal glances of our future now and then, waiting for the day they come true.
Fufu-chan falls asleep before I do. I lay there with the beat of his heart and the oh so quiet whirring of his mechanical parts, convincing myself that this is real, and all meant for me. I’m still afraid of closing my eyes and losing it all.
I didn’t tell them something. Some things are too hard to say aloud because then they feel real. I can’t tell if it’s a dream or a vision. The universe telling me that one day, I’ll leave this time as quickly as I entered it and return to a home that never wanted me. I’m so afraid that it’s not my imagination toying with my worst fears, and it’s a vision of the future chasing me down.
I touch a hand to Fulgur’s chest, following the steady rise and fall of his breaths. For now, this is real. For now, I am with people who love me and cherish me. For now, I’m with someone who makes the future seem brighter.
This is where I’ll stay. No matter what the universe tries to tell me.