Work Text:
“Hey.”
Kate’s emotions had run the freakin’ gamut. The day started with the exhilaration of a great wave and the hopefulness of seeing a stammering Lucy on the beach. Then terror at having almost being shot. Factor in a literal and figurative gut punch and you have a rollercoaster of epic proportions. It was a heart-in-your-throat good time, except with nothing necessarily good. Like, zero percent good. So when she opened the door to Lucy Tara holding a bag of takeout, the rolling shock rippled right through her from her toes. It sparked in her stomach and burst through her chest. A zipline went through her heart and down the mountain to Whatthefuckville which is probably tucked somewhere near Mt. Waialeale. Because it rains there. All the fucking time. And, most interactions with Lucy ended a little stormy these days. It was a lot to say the least.
“Uh, hi,” Kate said, already physically bracing herself against another torrent of Lucy declarations. “What are you doing here?”
“Delivering food,” Lucy said evenly, thrusting the bag at her. “Spicy lo mein, typical Saturday night Whistler. You’re definitely a creature of habit.”
“Is that my Door Dash order?” Kate asked. She took the bag and studied it for a second before looking back at Lucy.
“I guess you’re not the only one offered a job recently,” Lucy said. “Surprise.”
Kate struggled to keep up. “Wait, what?”
“I met Door Dash Dylan downstairs,” Lucy explained. “He recognized me as 1204’s old lady. He hasn’t seen me around recently and you used to tip better.”
“I used to tip for two,” Kate said even though she was having a really hard time deciphering any kind of meaning attached to the words that Lucy was saying. Mainly because Lucy was there at all. They had seen each other a few hours before. She was absolutely sure of it. Although, she did have some minor head trauma.
“Did today happen?” she asked tentatively, grabbing for her injured arm just to make sure. “Because, this does not compute.”
“Yeah,” Lucy said with an exhaustive sigh. “It did.”
Kate wasn’t sure where to go from there. She looked down the corridor beyond Lucy to have something else to focus on before asking, “Are you going to yell at me some more or something? I’m not sure I can take it.”
“No,” Lucy answered. She cleared her throat, thinking and then settled on, “I can’t sleep.”
“Oh,” Kate responded apprehensively. There used to be a very specific way that Kate helped with that and not only was she very much out of play tonight, but also despite Lucy’s joke about being horizontal, they were as far away from being horizontal together as you could get. She willed the thought out of her brain. “Um...me either. I tried. It was very uncomfortable. Everything kinda hurts. And, you know, there was a gun aimed at me today. So...”
“Same.”
“Are you okay?” Kate asked her softly. “Did she hurt you?”
“No,” Lucy said, head shaking. She took a few steps toward the entry and leaned on the door frame. She started, then paused, looking intently at Kate. “I went on a date tonight.”
Kate closed her eyes and swallowed and rocked backward with the confirmation of what she already thought she knew. “You know, I’m literally wounded, right? Don’t back the salt truck up and dump it on me or anything.”
“That’s not what-ugh,” Lucy groaned and pushed off her resting place to walk away. “You know what, It doesn’t even matter.”
“Did you really come here to tell me that?” Kate called out to her back. “What are you doing, Lucy?”
Lucy stopped and spun around. “I want to be done with this!”
“Done with what? Me?”
“Yes,” Lucy shouted. “We’ve been doing this dance for two years, Kate. At least, I’ve been doing it. You’ve been...fuck, I don’t even know. Having secret girlfriends and job offers. I can’t anymore.”
“The pin is out?” Kate wondered. “You finally want to talk now ?”
Lucy stepped closer again. “I went on a date-”
“I don’t need to know about it.”
“And she was perfectly nice. And fun-”
“Lucy,” Kate nearly begged. “Please, don’t.”
“But, I just kept thinking about you and you being hurt and you being kinda dumb today. You’re never that dumb. And I don’t know why. And I should know why, but everything between us is so so fucked up-”
“I’m sorry.”
“So I’m playing mini golf with a perfectly nice person and all I can think about is if you made it home okay and if you’re in a lot of pain and that you probably lettered in mini golf in college when Skylar can’t even get past the windmill,” Lucy kept on. “I’m trying to move on and there you are. Always. Still. So, I don’t even know why, but I came to tell you that I went on a date and it sucked ass.”
“Good,” Kate said adamantly. “Not sorry for that.”
“And I blame you.”
“This is shocking news,” Kate shot back, clenching her jaw in frustration.
Lucy rolled her eyes. “I’m not telling you to hurt you.”
“Yet, you’re still telling me,” Kate said flatly. “And won’t stop.”
“Okay, you’re obviously fine,” Lucy snapped, turning around to split. “Bye.”
“See ya,” Kate said, giving the door a hard shove and then cringing at both the pain and the echo it must have sent through the building.
Thirty seconds later, there was another knock on the door.
“I still can’t sleep,” Lucy said when Kate opened it.
“You couldn’t have gotten more than ten feet down the hall.”
“I haven’t been able to sleep for a while,” Lucy confessed, brushing her hair back. “Since...you know...and whatever concoction you made that time before helped and...”
“Cherry juice,” Kate said after a moment. “It was cherry juice.”
“I knew it was something weird like that,” Lucy smiled in spite of herself. “Thank you.”
“Well,” Kate licked her bottom lip. “I’m not so sure that was the only thing that helped on that particular night, but...hm, yeah, cherry juice and yogurt. It’s going to be really sour unless you add a sweetener.”
“I’ll write it down.” Lucy kept standing there. She studied the floor hard before finding Kate’s eyes again. “Maybe I did tell you to hurt you because there’s this really fucked up part of me that wants you to hurt as badly as I do.”
“I do!” Kate told her, voice cracking ever so slightly. “If that’s the goal, you’ve achieved it. I’ve achieved it. Whatever. It’s my fault that we’re here, but you keep running over my corpse, Lucy. I mean, we’ve broken up four times now. I know what I did. I know that I hurt you. I know that you’ll never forgive me. I know-”
“I don’t want to break up anymore,” Lucy said, effectively cutting her off. “I don’t really even know what I want. Except to be around you, even though, yeah, it hurts to be around you. So, I don’t want to be around you. I don’t want to see you. But, also, I can’t keep myself from wanting to catch any glimpse possible. I don’t know what to do.”
“Well,” Kate opened the door wider and extended her good arm. “I’m watching ‘Is it Cake?’ and about to eat what is probably cold Chinese food. You can do that if you want.”
Lucy thought about the offer. She considered the option hard and what it could mean, what message it would send. And then she took Kate up on it. “Okay,” she said, crossing the threshold of her apartment for the first time since she took the travel mug.
And it was awkward as fuck at first. Like, peed-your-pants-in-public awkward. Awkward and silent. Kate didn’t know where to sit after Lucy plopped down on the couch. She hovered around for a few minutes holding her styrofoam box of noodles until her body started to ache purely from the exertion of standing with so much tension so she slinked down into the farthest corner away from Lucy.
For her part, Lucy stared forward at the television, almost unnaturally fixated on Mikey Day.
Kate, who really is a terrible hostess, didn’t even offer any of her noodles. Though, to be fair, Kate really didn’t eat. She just sat there, mostly with a grimace while she side-eyed Lucy as they very ironically shared the loveseat.
“What did they prescribe you?” Lucy finally broke the silence. “You look really uncomfortable.”
“For so many reasons,” Kate mumbled. She repositioned herself gingerly. “I’m fine. I think I’m going to ice again, though.”
Lucy put her hand out suddenly, “Don’t get up. I’ll get it.”
“You really don’t have to.”
“I can get ice,” Lucy said, already up. “I know where it is.”
“K,” Kate gave in, mostly because of the pain. “Thanks.”
Lucy made her way to the fridge and opened the freezer. The ice pack was exactly where she knew it would be. The ice pack that she knew was there because Kate bought it for her. The ice pack that had been applied to her own jaw after one night that she took a suckerpunch to the face. Kate had held that same ice pack to her cheek while Lucy’s head rested in her lap and Kate’s fingers scratched at her scalp. Kate had kissed the purple bruise right before she had placed the ice pack back in the freezer right there. She let the cold air blow in her face while she shook herself out of the memory. No need for all the reminiscing.
“Do you need anything else?” she called as she grabbed the ice.
“No,” Kate answered tersely.
“Are you sure?” Lucy checked.
“Well, it’s been four hours since I’ve medicated.” Kate chanced, “Could you bring the bottle on the counter and some water.”
“Lie back,” Lucy said when she rounded the couch with all the items.
“Excuse me?”
“Lie back,” Lucy repeated and made a gesture to further explain what she meant.
“Oh-kay,” Kate said as she leaned against the arm of the couch, then reached up to accept her meds and water.
Lucy plopped down and held the ice just above her abdomen. “Shirt up.”
“Huh?”
“Shirt,” Lucy said again, thumb in the air.
“Are you trying to get my shirt off?” Kate said with a half grin, half wince as she pulled it up.
“I know how to get your shirt off,” Lucy remarked monotone. “It’s not that hard.”
“You’re awfully conf-ouch!” Kate squealed when Lucy dropped the pack. “Damn, Luce.”
“Hold still.” Lucy held the ice in place and made herself comfy beside Kate. “So, what was the offer? Curtis said some fancy job at the DIA?”
“Oh, that’s how you found out,” Kate realized as she downed the medication with a drink. “Um, yeah, it would have been strategic planning and policy. Probably would have gotten me on the shortlist for Deputy Director after a few years.”
Lucy nodded. “Sounds like part of the Whistler plan.”
“The Whistler plan has changed,” Kate said informatively.
“When?”
Kate narrowed her eyes. “When did the plan change?” she asked to clarify.
“When did they offer you the job?”
“They contacted me around the day we decided to, um, officially date. I guess that’s what we decided, right?” Kate glanced up to see Lucy’s reaction.
“Is it?” Lucy asked sincerely.
“I thought so,” Kate said, eyes flicking away from Lucy’s. “That’s what I wanted. To date you, to be with you...in public.”
“Somewhat reluctantly,” Lucy reminded her. “But, yeah.”
“Not fair,” Kate replied. “There were reasons for that.”
“Yeah, yes, there were reasons,” Lucy chuckled sardonically. “The reasons have a name and an address in the District.”
“If I gave a shit about her, I would be in DC by now,” Kate said with more force than she intended. She drew in a breath, letting some tension roll out of her. “I wanted to be here. You’re here.”
“You should have told me,” Lucy said sadly. “Why didn’t you just tell me? Why is it so goddamn hard for you to just say things?”
“I don’t know,” Kate shrugged. “I thought it might have been too much. We were so new. And…I needed to work out the logistics. I wasn’t entirely happy at the office here, which you probably knew. The DIA was more than willing to give me better opportunities, but it wasn’t on the island. You live in Hawaii, I need to live in Hawaii.”
“But, then you just say that,” Lucy replied. “You just tell me what your plan is, so that I’m in on it. Because we were...together-ish. And that’s a big deal.”
“I know that.”
“There’s no logistics at play here, Whistler,” Lucy continued. “We are just us. You and me. There’s no strategic planning involved. Just tell me when you have life events.” She stopped and collected herself, realizing her mistake. “Or...I mean, you obviously don’t have to now. Because we aren’t...”
“I can still go,” Kate offered. “If it’s too hard for you. I get it. It’s hard for me. It’s becoming impossible. And you love your job and your team and you’re great here. So...there’s other jobs in other places. I just...if there’s a shot for us at all-”
“Don’t,” Lucy said simply.
“At some point you’ll have to let me talk, Lucy,” Kate said too loudly. It shook her body and she groaned. “But, if there’s no hope left at all. If you’re really done-”
“Don’t go,” Lucy said to clear it up. “Don’t.”
Kate’s eyes widened at the revelation. She sucked in a breath and fought to keep her tears of relief away. She couldn’t quite help the rush of optimism that bloomed in her heart. “Don’t?” she asked, just to confirm.
“No,” Lucy said. “I don’t know what comes next and I know how selfish that is, but, please don’t go.”
“Okay,” Kate agreed. “I won’t.”
Lucy pulled the ice pack off Kate’s skin and couldn’t help tracing the red, cold outline. “Are you happy here?”
Kate watched her finger trail a featherlight touch over her ribs before saying, “I’m okay right now.”
Lucy looked up to Kate and then down at her hand and pulled it away quickly. “Sorry.”
“You made the hands-to-ourselves rule, not me.”
Lucy couldn’t help the smirk that graced her lips. “Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m sorry.”
Kate took a beat before answering candidly. “Honestly, I’m miserable. This really sucks, Lucy. But I was happy. I was the happiest I’ve ever been when we were... together-ish. That’s why I wanted to stay. There’s no other reason I would have stayed. Besides, y’know. You.”
“And the surfing.”
“Bonus.”
“Fifty/fifty?” Lucy teased.
“Eighty/twenty,” Kate bargained with a smile. “Wish I could have gotten you on a surfboard at least once.”
“Not a chance,” Lucy replied quickly.
Kate pulled her shirt down and sat back up on the couch. “Too bad. You’d look good out there.”
“I would drown out there.”
“I would not let that happen.”
Lucy accepted that and took her place on the other side of the sofa. She turned her attention back to the television for a moment. “There’s no way that’s cake.”
“Pretty sure, it’s cake,” Kate objected. “It’s shiny. Can cake be that shiny?”
“Why would you eat something that looks so convincingly like a shoe?”
“Fetishist?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m sorry I fucked everything up,” Kate blurted out after it was revealed that the shoe was indeed cake. “And broke your heart into a million pieces. God, Luce...”
“I wanted us so much,” Lucy responded. “That night, when you said we could go to a regular restaurant. It’s ridiculous how happy it made me. I thought that was the beginning of the proper ‘us’, you know. I was just so fucking proud to be with you.”
Kate rested her head on the couch and studied her as she spoke and took in the anguish of the broken heart that Lucy still sported. “Lucy,” she began softly. “Do you think I wasn’t proud to be with you?”
“I definitely had a complex about the secrecy thing,” Lucy admitted. “It’s so antithetical to who I am and I would never have been okay with that with anyone else.”
“I know.”
“I agreed to it, though,” Lucy said, almost in a haze of disbelief. “I agreed to sneak around because, oh my god, I was so into you. You could have asked me to do anything...”
“I know.”
“But, the seeds were sown already, Kate,” Lucy said. “It felt like you weren’t really committed to it. It already felt like...it was me. It was me you weren’t committed to...then, your girlfriend happened...but you stayed...and didn’t even tell me...I just...I don’t even know what to think anymore.”
“I told you it wasn’t you,” Kate said. “We talked about this.”
“I just didn’t know for sure.”
“Lucy,” Kate leaned forward abruptly and instantly regretted it. “Ow. Fuck.”
“Are you okay?” Lucy reached out, not quite touching.
Kate dismissed her worry. “Are you insinuating that you didn’t think I was attracted to you enough or didn’t like you enough...or what exactly?”
“Uh, yeah?” Lucy struggled to put it into words. “You’re...well, you...and...”
“C’mon,” Kate was gobsmacked. “Since the second you sat next to me in that bar, I’ve been...I don’t even know, um, entranced, maybe. You are an amazing pocket-sized gorgeous human who is way, way, way too cool for me. You...sparkle with charm and wit, which is intimidating for someone like me. You’re fun. And, I’m awkward and uptight and struggle with social cues.”
“You do not struggle with social cues, Kate Whistler,” Lucy denied. “And you can be fun...sometimes.”
“You’ve said on more than one occasion that I’m not fun,” Kate pointed out.
“That’s when we were bantering,” Lucy shook it off. “I was messing with you.”
“Sure.”
“You’re fun!” Lucy insisted, then a blush dusted her cheek. “You are a lot of fun when you want to be.”
“I’m a certain kind of fun,” Kate guessed. “Ah.”
“No,” Lucy shook her head. “I mean, yeah. But, we hit a groove there for a second that we could just exist together...and...I was having fun with you all the time. Even when you were being serious Whistler.”
Kate looked doubtful, but grinned nonetheless. “Hey, I’m sorry I made you feel like I was anything other than completely in this,” Kate told her. “I never had doubts about you. I doubted myself. My neutrality. I doubted my ability to maintain my professionalism around you. That’s why I got so hyper focused on denying you any break at all. You broke me too easily. You knew all the buttons to push.”
“Well, it helped that we had an intimate relationship before we ever worked together,” Lucy commented. “The pushing buttons part.”
“Yes,” Kate said, glancing over Lucy’s body. “You definitely know where and how to push.”
“Hm,” Lucy coughed and then stood up suddenly, “Okay!” She brushed off the front of her jeans and looked back down to where Kate was sitting. “I’m hungry for tacos. Are you?”
“Uh, no,” Kate answered.
“Well, I am.”
Kate stared at her. “Where are you going to find tacos right now?”
Lucy shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Kate said. She shifted painfully back to her spot on the couch and frowned at the thought of the temporary truce ending with the night. “I guess that’s it-”
“Are you coming?” Lucy asked.
Kate’s eyes grew wide, “It’s 1am, Luce.”
“Oh,” Lucy looked around for the clock and then back at Kate. “Are you coming?” she asked again.
“Yeah,” Kate answered and then started to struggle to get to her feet.
Lucy reached out to gently pull her up, making sure she was steady on her feet. She let her hands slide down Kate’s arms. “You good? You don’t have to, I can-”
“I’m going. I’m fine.” Kate nodded as their eyes locked.
“Tacos!” Lucy shouted to intentionally break the intensity of the moment. “Let’s go.”
They made it out the door and Kate let Lucy lock up before they made the few steps to the elevator. They waited there and shared a tentative glance. Lucy huffed a laugh. “Is this as weird as it feels?”
Kate nervously giggled. “It’s a little weird,” she affirmed. “Not as weird as this morning, though.”
“What was weird about this morning?” Lucy asked nonchalantly.
“Uh,” Kate looked at her suspiciously. “On the beach. Looking at me? Needing me for business ? C’mon, Luce.”
“Nope,” Lucy acted completely unaffected as she stepped into the elevator car. “Have no idea what you’re talking about. Didn’t you say you had some minor head trauma? Probably a side effect.”
“Creating memories? From a blow to the head?” Kate asked. “Is that a real thing, Doctor Tara?”
“Yes, in fact,” Lucy said. “That is my diagnosis.”
Kate followed her into the elevator and pushed the starred button. “It was cute.”
“Stop making fun of me,” Lucy said with a playful growl. “I was nervous...I’m not usually that close to the ocean so early in the morning. Very deep and salty.”
Kate leaned down, closer to Lucy’s ear. “I was flattered.”
“I think my brain short circuited,” Lucy said. “Sorry for...anyway, thanks for bringing it up.”
“For a second, I thought you had just come to find me,” Kate squeaked out. “Weird, hm.”
Lucy opened the passenger side door for Kate when they reached the car and held her elbow while she got situated in the SUV. “I’m literally being supportive,” Lucy explained away the contact. “Get in, already.”
“It’s fine,” Kate said as she slid further into the seat. “Thanks.”
Lucy started her vehicle and put it in reverse just as the chorus of All By Myself blasted through the car causing her to tap the brakes harder than she intended. “Shit!” she exclaimed as she turned down the dial.
The abrupt motion slammed Kate’s already sore ribs into the seatbelt and sent her phone flying into the floorboard. “Ahh,” she moaned.
Lucy eyed Kate. “What is this?”
“What is what?” Kate asked, trying to recover.
“This is your phone,” Lucy said, pointing to the screen on the dash to prove that her phone had connected to Lucy’s speakers. “iPhone o ka Whistler.”
“Oh, oh!” Kate said, looking at her lap for her phone. “Uhh...”
Lucy leaned over to help look, futilely patting Kate’s thighs in the dark. Kate just lifted her arms as much as she could and let her. She was content to just let Lucy rub her legs, honestly. But, these songs were going to get more and more embarrassing if she let it play. So, just after the song transitioned into Ain’t No Sunshine , Kate said, “Um, it’s down there.”
Lucy first looked at Kate’s crotch area, “Down there?”
“No,” Kate said, trying not to smile. “There,” she pointed to the floor.
“Oh,” Lucy said, leaning further down and hitting her forehead on Kate’s knee. “Ugh.” She finally came back up with it. “Here,” she handed it off as the screen lit up and the song changed again.
Kate accepted it and cleared her throat. “So, tacos?”
Lucy put the car in drive and eased the car onto the darkened street. “Guess it’s my turn to be flattered. If I’m worth the Saddest Songs Ever playlist you’ve got going on there.”
“It was a particularly rough day,” Kate responded.
Lucy let it go as they picked up speed and they continued toward their destination. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah,” Kate answered, even as she steeled herself. “Although, you seem to keep asking me questions you don’t really want the answer to. So be careful.”
“When you accepted the job here,” Lucy started. “Did I-hm...did you ever think of looking me up? Or did you even remember until you saw me that day?”
Kate guffawed at the question. “Are you serious, Lucy? Did I remember?”
“It’s a valid question!” Lucy exclaimed as she tapped on the steering wheel.
“Yes, Luce, I definitely remembered our, um, time together.”
“So, did you look? For me, I mean?”
Kate turned her head to inspect her counterpart. She couldn’t quite be sure what the correct answer to the question was, so she told the truth. “I went to that bar every night for the first week I was here hoping to see you again.”
It was the correct answer, because Lucy absolutely radiated with the smile that appeared on her lips. “Oh, yeah?”
“Okay,” Kate struggled to rearrange herself within the seat, “Those two nights with you were...” Kate couldn’t find the right superlative, so she just said, “...wow, fuck, just, yeah...”
“Yeah,” Lucy said, blowing out a deep breath. “That was...yeah, those were, um...” She looked over briefly, “It was amazing.”
“Yes,” Kate agreed. “At the risk of sounding cliche as hell, I’ve never felt as connected to another person in my life. And...we didn’t even know each other. It was crazy, and...yeah, amazing.”
“Yeah,” Lucy agreed quietly. If Lucy had to describe her dream girl before she had met Kate Whistler in that bar, she’s not sure what she would have said. She’s never boiled it down to something as flippant as a type. But, now. Even knowing what she knows, if the question had been posed to her today, she’d be hard pressed to not have a picture perfect sketch of the woman sitting next to her. And frankly, that wasn’t helping a fucking thing.
“If we hadn’t had the jobs we had or the circumstances had somehow been different,” Kate continued, “then...when we met again, I would have...” she sighed, knowing nothing good could come of what she would say. “I just hate that it took so long for us to figure it out.”
“I don't think we ever did figure it out, Kate,” Lucy suggested.
“Maybe not,” Kate said absently as she tapped her knuckle on the window. “You didn’t say you wanted a great taco, so this might be your only option at this time of night.”
“Probably,” Lucy said as she eased the car into the drive-thru. “You want anything?”
“No,” Kate shook her head. She waited until Lucy had paid before risking, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” Lucy said, unbothered.
“You said that you loved me,” Kate mentioned.
Lucy immediately tensed at the statement. “Really? In the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru?”
“Did you mean it?”
Lucy pulled forward and accepted her food from Timmy, who was definitely stoned, and dug into the bag. She took an initial bite, waited until she chewed and swallowed, which should have given her enough time to think through a response, but all that came out was, “Yep.”
Kate sat patiently for any kind of further explanation and none came.
“Since when?”
Lucy lifted a shoulder, then let it fall. “Maybe two years ago. Maybe when I saw you the first time in the bullpen. Could have been the day you were wearing that pinstriped jacket and told me my antics weren’t nearly as cute as I thought they were. Which, of course, meant they totally were. Might have been the second time you slept over and you tried to wear one of my t-shirts. Possibly holding hands at the restaurant. All of those times built on top of each other, I guess.”
“Luce, you know that I l-”
“No, no, no,” Lucy waved her tacoless hand at her. “Don’t. I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to say, and I’m not really in the emotional headspace for that. It complicates things unnecessarily. Because, there’s nothing to complicate anymore.”
“But, you seem to have no qualms about my emotional state when you scream it at me in the bullpen, so...”
“Yeah,” Lucy acknowledged. “That’s me being an asshat.”
“You’ve never given me a chance to tell my side, you know.”
“You don’t have a side, Kate,” Lucy said. “You didn’t bother to tell me you had a girlfriend.”
“An ex.”
“She didn’t think so,” Lucy reminded her. “She was still in to win it. Flew all the way to Hawaii to win it.”
“But she didn’t win it,” Kate rebutted. “If there was winning, then you would have won hands down.”
“And this is my prize,” Lucy said, holding up her taco. “An after hours taco.”
“Nobody won this game,” Kate commented. “Believe me. Everyone lost.”
“Well, I didn’t know it was a competition, so color me ill-prepared for battle.”
“It wasn't,” Kate said. “I’ll admit to being a complete coward about breaking it off with her. Or maybe even worse, just being unbothered about how she felt at all. I just didn’t really care. And I hoped she’d just let it go so I didn’t have to be the bad guy. Because I’m so tired of being the bad guy...but...she also had my cat...so...”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? You have a cat?” Lucy asked in disbelief while she swerved dangerously into the other lane. “What the hell? Do I even know you at all, Whistler?”
“ Had a cat,” Kate corrected. “I left the cat with her. She sent an occasional email about the cat and how beautiful Hawaii must be. I might have responded twice with a picture. That’s about it.”
“Holy shit,” Lucy was entirely perplexed by this development. “You share a cat.”
“No,” Kate said. “I had a cat. I left the cat in DC with her. She took my cat. I no longer had a girlfriend or a cat when I left the mainland.”
“And how long were you together?”
“Cara or the cat?”
“The woman, Whistler,” Lucy said, unwilling to say her name.
“A few months,” Kate answered. “We met through a mutual friend. We dated casually before I came here. Then, I ran into you. And she...is not you.”
“Then why, Kate?”
“Because you scare the hell out of me,” Kate said bluntly. “I’m not good with feelings and vulnerability and feelings . And, I knew it could and would be something. I didn’t know until very recently that I was ready for all that might entail.”
“So instead of breaking it off with her and giving us a chance, you just-”
“I wasn’t with her,” Kate pleaded. “It was over when I left DC, I swear.”
“But, Kate ,” Lucy grumbled. “You have to say the words . You have to take responsibility for your role in your relationships. And you have to be a fucking adult when it doesn’t work and make your intentions clear. Otherwise, you’re just fucking with people. Me. Her. Yourself, apparently.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Lucy argued. “I was in love with you. And when I found out about her, I felt like that meant nothing to you.
“That’s bullshit, Lucy!” Kate argued. “You know it wasn’t meaningless to me.”
“Did I, though?” Lucy asked her. “We talked every day. I slept next to you most nights. My plans had started to include you and all of a sudden, there’s another person in your apartment calling herself your girlfriend and...holy fuck, raising your cat...I felt like nothing. I was on the outside. I can’t undo that. I can’t unfeel that. It’s done now. There’s no going back.”
“She can call herself any one of a million things, Lucy. She doesn’t mean to me what you mean to me. I don’t know her favorite song or how she likes her eggs. I didn’t give up my side of the bed for her because it’s further away from the water. I don’t have pictures of her on my phone. My heart doesn’t pound when I think of her. And I didn’t change my life and my goals to stay close to her. That’s all you.”
Lucy took in the information with a quiet stare. She took another bite of her taco and concentrated on the road ahead. It was minutes later when she asked, “What’s your cat’s name?”
Kate couldn’t help but laugh at the question. She felt exposed and weary, but, hey, why not. “Madeleine Albright,” she answered. “Mads. She’s an asshole. Never really liked her. She didn’t like me either. We were both aloof and evasive with our affections.”
“You know what’s absolutely wild?” Lucy asked. “You legitimately were mad at me for not asking enough questions. And...” she made a circular motion with her hand open, “ all this was happening. We had a whole conversation about it afterward, too. You didn’t think it would be a good time to say, ‘hey, there’s a woman in DC. No big deal. That’s over.’”
“By that time,” Kate thought over her word choice carefully. “I was afraid to tell you.”
“And you didn’t think to clear things up with her?” Lucy asked. “We were actively moving our relationship forward and it didn’t cross your mind to reply to a cat picture email with a hint that you’d moved on.”
“I thought it was clear enough,” Kate reasoned. “What was I supposed to say?”
“Nice cat, I’m fucking someone else,” Lucy snapped back quickly. “Send a big bag of kitty chow and be done with it. Then, hey, novel idea, tell me about the situation yourself instead of me finding out like that.”
They let the rest fall into silence while Lucy drove them back to Kate’s building. Kate had resigned herself to the night ending in disaster as Lucy parked. She tried to desperately wipe the tears out of eyes before the interior lights illuminated the car, but she failed. When she chanced a glance, Lucy was watching her.
“Don’t move,” she said as she opened her door and hopped out. Lucy walked around and helped Kate out gently.
“Thanks,” Kate said genuinely. She turned to walk into the building and realized that Lucy was following. She slowed so they could walk in step. “You’re coming up?”
“Have you kicked me out yet?”
“No,” Kate answered.
Once they were back inside the penthouse, Kate excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she returned, she had traded her contacts for her glasses.
Lucy looked up to see her and then did a double take. “Not cool.”
“My eyes hurt,” Kate told her. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to seduce you, Luce. I swear.”
“Fine, wear your sexy glasses,” Lucy huffed. Lucy pointed to Kate’s arm, “Do you need help?”
“I’ll figure it out,” Kate said. “I’ll have to eventually, right?”
“Well, it’ll be easier to navigate when it’s less painful,” Lucy said from experience. “Let me help you at least get more comfortable clothes on.”
“Luce, you’ve done enough,” she replied. “I got myself into this, which you so kindly pointed out this morning.”
“I was freaked out,” Lucy said, barely containing the same frustration she had earlier. “You could have gotten killed, Kate. You wait for me!”
Kate nodded in acceptance. She had been properly admonished earlier and didn’t want to relive the disappointment in Lucy’s eyes about her job performance. Her disappointment in her as a girlfriend and human was enough. “I’ll wait,” she said, the double meaning fully intended.
“Let’s get your clothes off,” Lucy said, brushing away the mine Kate left there. “Platonically.”
“Okay.”
Lucy stood on Kate’s bed to carefully extract her shirt without making her bend. “There,” she said and leaned closer while she had a view from above. “Can you grab a rag? There’s still some blood in your hair.”
Kate looked upward, but of course, couldn’t see a damn thing from her vantage point. “Yeah, okay.”
Lucy gently wiped the red ooze out of her hairline and tilted Kate’s face up with her finger for closer scrutiny at her bruised jaw. “Don’t ever do that again,” Lucy said when she caught Kate’s gaze. “Ever.”
“Got it.”
“Thank you.” She nodded sharply, then climbed off the bed. Her hands automatically reached for the waistband of Kate’s jeans before she pulled her hands back. “Sorry, sorry,” she said. “Um, do you want me to help? Or...?”
“Please,” Kate said softly.
“Okay,” Lucy said. She went back to work, trying to undress Kate as mechanically as she could possibly do it. She vaguely noticed Kate’s hand flexing and she wondered if she was trying to keep herself from reaching out for her. Kate did that sometimes. When she was overwhelmed, she would ball her hands into fists to cope. She did it when she was pissed at work. She did it a couple of times when Lucy was calling the shots and wouldn’t let her touch. Lucy pulled her pants down and tapped on her calf to signal that she could step out. She looked up into a very serious pair of brown eyes staring back. “What?”
“Did you sleep with her?” Kate asked.
Lucy stood up, never dropping the eye contact. “That’s none of your business.”
“I need to know you didn’t sleep with someone and then come here,” Kate stated unevenly. “Even if you lie about it. Just tell me you didn’t. It’s going to take some time before I can...deal with that.”
“God, of course, not,” Lucy answered. “Even though, still, none of your business.”
Kate breathed out a sigh of relief. “Okay...”
“What would you say if I had?” Lucy asked her. “What if I was fucking some random girl? What would that mean to you?”
“You know I didn’t sleep with Cara, right?” Kate responded with a question of her own. “There’s no way I would have done that to you.”
“I’m not sure what you’d do to me at all anymore,” Lucy said. “But, yes, I know you didn’t. You didn’t have time. So goddamn thorough, Kate Whistler. At work and at play.”
“What?” Kate squawked. “What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said,” Lucy answered as she threw Kate’s jeans down and went to her drawers to pull out a pair of sleep pants. She walked right back up to Kate, forcing her back to the bed. “Sit.”
Kate rested on the edge while Lucy bent to help dress her.
“Stand,” Lucy instructed and pulled Kate’s pants up in a swift motion. “You...tend to hit all the spots. Methodically.”
“So, that’s good, right?” Kate asked slyly, readjusting her glasses.
Lucy had the good sense to blush ever so slightly. “You know you’re good.”
“We’ve agreed we’re good together, but methodical?” Kate inquired. “You’ve never mentioned that.”
“You’re very good at what you do,” Lucy reiterated.
“Hm,” Kate tried to hide her smile. “Good to know.”
“I was pretty vocal about that,” Lucy remembered. “You’re just fishing at this point.”
“No, no,” Kate contested the statement. “Isn’t this like an exit interview? The good things and bad things about doing business with me?”
“Oh, yeah, one of the best things I’ll take away from working with your company, Ms. Whistler, is the tremendously great sex. A plus.”
“I’ll send that info up the chain,” Kate remarked.
“Be sure to tell all your superiors.”
“Well, we do hate to lose you,” Kate said laughing at first and then she sobered quickly. “Except I’ve already lost you, huh?”
Lucy did not reply. She didn’t have a reply. She honestly didn’t know. Everything in her heart and body told her to crawl into bed next to the woman that she loved and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and push forward. She knew she could be happy with Kate. She knew Kate would do everything she could to make it work, to make it better, to make them survive. But, then...her head would remind her of what happened. Her insecurities would wave all those red flags about secrets and lies and make her question everything.
“I’m seeing someone-”
“Oh, I know about Skylar who sucks at mini golf,” Kate said derisively. “Whom you did not sleep with. We really don’t have to discuss it again.”
“It was one date,” Lucy replied. “Of course, I didn’t sleep with her, Kate. I can’t believe you even asked me that.”
“Well, we barely made it through a few drinks before-”
“Sooo!” Lucy interrupted. “I’m seeing a mystical healing kahuna.”
Kate was taken aback by this news. “You’re what now?”
“I’m praying for healing and the ability to forgive,” Lucy told her. “And I know what you’re going to say, so please-”
“I’m not saying anything,” Kate replied. “I think you should do whatever you need to do, Luce.”
“I’m supposed to be achieving a peacefulness that only comes with the firm closing of the door that leads to grief and sadness,” Lucy announced. “Shut out the tension and find a higher purpose.”
“Oh wow,” Kate smiled. “The Lucy surf quotes. Gotcha. So this is some form of closure you’re trying to achieve? Is this what tonight was about?”
“Maybe,” Lucy said honestly.
“How’s that going?” Kate asked hesitantly.
“Is any door ever firmly shut?” Lucy asked. “I don’t know if my grief and sadness are because of you or because we’re not on the best of terms right now. Is my purpose to move past and forgive or is my higher purpose to find someone else that trust might come easier with?”
“Ouch,” Kate recoiled. “I knew that we were going to have trust issues, but to hear you say it, hurts.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Hey, just so you know, I will do everything in my power to avoid hurting you like that again,” Kate told her with conviction. “However. Whatever. Know that.”
“I want to believe you,” Lucy replied.
“Then I’ll be here until you do.”
“We can choose which waves to ride,” Lucy said. “You’re the tallest, most dangerous wave. You’re the wave of a lifetime. But...you’re also the wave most likely to suck me under. And I just don’t know if I can do it. I’ve fallen off the board already. I’m spooked now.”
Kate leaned in as close as she could. “I know. You’re my wave, too, Luce. I was scared and stupid. But, the difference is, I’ve realized in the last few weeks that I’m more than ready to try. Because, you’re worth it.”
Lucy let the statement hang. They were at an impasse. And, they would probably continue to sit at the red light until something grand and unusual bounced them out of the pattern.
“Time for bed?” Lucy inquired as Kate’s eyes closed of their own volition before she forced them open.
“No,” Kate said. “No, I’m fine.”
“You need to sleep,” Lucy said. “I should have let you sleep hours ago.”
“You don’t have to go,” Kate tried. She reached out for Lucy’s hand, but missed it. “Stay here. I promise, I’ll stay on my side. Just stay with me.”
“You’re a Grade A snuggler, Whistler,” Lucy retorted. “There’s very little chance of that.”
“Best behavior,” Kate promised.
Lucy placed all the pillows in a stack on the bed. “I’ve had some experience in sleeping while all busted up,” she said as she left the room for a few seconds. She returned with the throw pillows from the couch and also stacked them to the left side. “To rest your arm.”
Lucy sat on the edge of the bed and adjusted the pillows for a better angle. “How’s that?”
“Fine,” Kate said as she let her head fall back. She looked at Lucy with a small smile. “You are amazing. Thank you.”
“Go to sleep.”
“Lucy,” Kate whispered as her eyes got heavier. She was aware enough to know it might be her last chance to say it. Now or never. So, just as she was losing the battle, she breathed out, “I love you, too.”
She tried. She gave it her all. But, eventually sleep took over as she was propped against the stack of pillows behind her back and under her arm. She didn’t know how long she dozed off, enough time to slump slightly to the right and drool. Her eyes snapped open and she knew by the undefined shapes around her room that Lucy must have slid her glasses off her face.
Lucy.
She looked around the room, wondering if Lucy had accepted the invitation to sleep next to her.
She hadn’t.
She groaned as she swung her feet off the bed and walked stiffly into the other room. She hoped Lucy had taken up residence on the couch, at least.
She wasn’t there, either.
Not in the kitchen. Not in the bathroom. No sign that she had been there at all.
Kate wondered if it had been real. It felt real. It seemed real. A styrofoam container was on the counter, next to some painkillers. Netflix was asking her if she wanted to continue watching. The sweater she had been wearing was draped over a chair. But, no Lucy.
She convinced herself that it could have been a dream. It certainly wouldn’t have been the first vivid dream she had had about Lucy. That was believable enough. She showered with as little movement as possible. She made herself some toast because pressing the little lever on the toaster was just about all the strength she could muster. She got dressed in an old t-shirt and sweats and crawled back into her bed, content to sleep away the day. Just as she had settled on that plan, her hand grazed her phone that had been tucked under the pillow stack. She pulled it out, swiped up and Lucy’s name appeared with a text notification.
Tell me again when I’m ready to hear it.
She smiled, a beaming grin that glowed on her face even through the pain of her jaw. It was a tiny glimmer of hope that they’d make it. She leaned back into the pillows and closed her eyes. The Whistler plan had indeed changed, and there was a chance that Lucy Tara could be a part of it again. That was all the encouragement she needed.