Chapter Text
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Gerri eased herself under the covers and stared up at the ceiling, feeling the weight of her thirty years with Waystar settle deep into her bones. Laurie had left for New York nearly twelve hours ago, saying something about understanding her workaholic nature, but he was looking to slow down. I’m tired, Gerri. Aren’t you tired?
The predawn light hovered at the Italian horizon, and she knew she only had a few hours til Logan called her back again, his reliable little filing cabinet, his sin cake eater. Once more unto the breach, and this time she knew she wasn’t going to be among those remaining. One small tear slipped down over her temple; she hated it, but Laurie was right. She was so deeply tired.
Turn down these voices inside my head
Roman hovered outside her door. He didn’t know why. He stood there, for what seemed an eternity, his brain and his heart and his whole entire body numb to the world around him. Numb, but somehow also aching, aching so deeply he wasn’t sure he’d ever recover. Mind full of static, and yet racing.
Despite the wealth that had always cocooned him, his life had not ever been easy. But these last twelve hours were the worst he’d ever experienced. If he could only see her, be with her for just a minute, he knew he would be able to think clearly again. She was the only antidote he’d ever found to the chaos inside his head, and he found himself on autopilot, seeking her out, drawn to her as if that red string of fate bound them together.
Maybe it did. He wasn’t religious or spiritual or even superstitious, but he knew he would always come back to her, that unconscious pull towards her stronger than even the hold Logan had on him. He took a deep breath and turned the knob, surprised when it wasn't locked.
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
The door opened with a soft squeak, and Gerri didn’t have to look to know who it was. She hadn’t intended to leave the door unlocked. Or maybe she had. It didn’t matter anymore.
She sighed as Roman stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, then pulled back the covers to slide in on the conveniently empty half of the bed. He lay staring at the ceiling, not speaking, leaving a respectful distance between them. She wanted to be angry still, wanted to scream at him, make him understand how stupid he had been, how he had nearly ruined everything she had worked for for half of her life and most of his. She wanted to be selfish in the way she always had been, shove him away, show him she didn’t need him, kick him to see if he would come back. She knew he would; Logan had trained him well.
But right now, she was selfish in a different way. Right now, she wanted to bury herself in him, feel him buried in her. Mutually assured destruction, mutually assured comfort. Ouroboros. Yin and yang.
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
After several quiet minutes, Roman turned to face her, propping his head on his hand. It was dark, the curtains mostly blocking out the burgeoning dawn, but he could see her clearly enough to notice the silent tears sliding down her temples, over her ears, wetting her hair and her pillow below it. His free hand gently tucked a lock of frizzy hair behind one wet ear. There was a softness to her now, a vulnerability he had never seen until that moment, in that room, on his knees. She had always been steel to him, hard as diamonds, her compass always pointing north, leading them all, the secret power behind the throne. He realized now she was as helpless as he was. No one escapes Logan Roy. No one. Not even stone cold killer bitches.
She turned suddenly, buried her head in his shoulder, startling him. They had never really touched. Now he wrapped his arms around her, tears beginning to slip down his own cheeks, his nose buried in her crown. She smelled faintly of sun, of lilac, of skin and sweat. He kissed her hair gently, pulling her in closer to his chest as they quietly let the pain and the exhaustion of the day wash over them.
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
Gerri was overwhelmed with the feel of him, so solid against her but never suffocating the way Laurie was. She wanted to hate him so much, but no one had held her this tenderly since Baird, and it struck her then, how utterly alone she had felt for so long. She hated it that it was Roman who made her feel seen, feel safe, feel almost… she couldn’t even think it. She pulled away, back into her own space, brushed the tears off her cheeks with frustrated fingers. She needed to stop this now; any further and she wouldn’t be able to pull back.
“Gerri,” he whispered as she closed her eyes, her name a plea yet again, an echo of the battlefield where she witnessed the slaughter. They never stood a chance. She shook her head, pressed her hands over her mouth, choking down the sob that threatened to undo her.
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Roman knew she didn’t feel the same about him as he felt about her. He had always known that. But now it was thrown into sharp relief, that jagged edge of her always pressing into the softness he never could hide. He knew he was her favorite, her slime puppy, her toy. But she didn’t love him, not in the way he loved her, that white hot pulsing ache under his ribs he had carried for so many months.
He knew it was love because it hurt. He knew it was love because, as much as he desperately wanted to spirit her away with him and never come back, he would let her go. The only thing worse than not having her was keeping her; he couldn’t bear the thought of being her jailor. Not after Waystar had filled that role for so long.
So now he pulled her hands away from her face, caressed that soft, tearstained cheek, and kissed her so softly he thought he might die right then. And really, what a way to go, finally fulfilling the softest fantasy he’d ever had. He had nothing left to lose anyway.
Morning will come, and I’ll do what’s right
Gerri couldn’t help it. She kissed him back, her remaining anger fading, the last of her defenses washed away at the first taste of his tongue. He always pushed everything to the limit, too hard, too far. He had crossed every boundary she had ever set, was crossing one right that very second, but the difference was this time she wanted him to. And somehow he knew it. Or maybe it wasn’t instinct as much as his usual impulsive nature. She succumbed anyway.
She knew she would regret this, knew that in a few hours she would push him away, go back to his father, go back to dig her own grave, serve her own head on a platter to the shareholding gods. She would do it, even though every part of her screamed to fight back, but she wouldn’t. Too many years she had spent under the violent hand of Logan Roy. She was already grieving her career, already missing the heat of it, the adrenaline, even though she was still in the middle of it all. But she knew that golden parachute was waiting, knew another sin cake eater was hovering in the wings, ready to take center stage as soon as she stepped back.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, letting go, letting the tide take her where it may. In this moment, as her body awakened under his touch, she considered the fact that giving up might very well serve her own interests.
Just give me til then to give up this fight
Roman was shocked she didn’t push him away, didn’t kick him out into the hall and out of her life forever. Tentative hands slipped under the hem of her pajama top, and he felt her respond in kind. Her skin was soft and warm under his fingertips, so very solid and alive, energy thrumming between them. They twined together, the remains of their tears mixing, a metaphor that made him want to roll his eyes and pretend to puke. But she sighed into him, deepening the kiss, and all other thoughts disappeared, every sense and synapse was filled with her.
He knew this was it. There was no happy ending for them, no life outside this Italian guest room, no future he could look to for comfort. So he let himself live in the now, inside her touch and her sighs and her greedy kisses. He knew she didn’t love him like he loved her, but right now it felt like maybe, just maybe, she did.