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Unlike the other college students who spend their Friday night with party to welcome the weekend, for Haechan every damn night is just the same. He’ll just shrink his body on the floor, his back pressed to the side of his bed, eyes roaming his phone screen as he practically smash his thumbs on it.
“Left! Left! Fuck!”
Haechan swears he’s about to lose his mind as his team mates screw up the mission. He doesn’t remember when did his friends get this lame. Haechan thought his game couldn’t be more messed up but then his phone screen switches to a calling display as someone’s name pops up.
The thing is, rather than pissed off because he gets interrupted in the middle of his game, Haechan somehow has a bad hunch about this call, that he actually is worried as why that person is still awake at this hour. Because the truth is let alone interrupting his game, hell, if that person ever asked for a star in the sky Haechan wouldn’t think twice and try to get it for him.
“What?” is what he says as soon as he picks up, abandoning his game.
Haechan is honestly worried that he unnecessarily sounds bothered at all because he picks up the call pretty soon though, which won’t make any sense for him to sounds pissed.
But there’s no answer from the other side, not even a quiet noise that he could hear. It then builds up concern in Haechan’s mind.
“Renjun if you won’t talk then call me later. I’m in the middle of pushing my rank up, you brat.”
Haechan lies, he doesn’t want Renjun to end the call. He wants Renjun to talk, to tell him what happened to him because Haechan somehow gets that something just happened that he called him but couldn’t afford to say it right away.
“Haechan,” he finally speaks. “Am I ugly?”
The question makes Haechan frowned, his best friend is indeed someone that would come up with bunch of unexpected words and idea but this time Haechan can’t help but get another question on his mind instead of answering him.
“Did you just get rejected by someone?” he asks back.
Haechan hears Renjun sighing. “Just answer it. I’m curious.”
Well, it’s not a hard question for Haechan, the answer is so clear yet Haechan can’t just blurt it out. As much as he really wants to say it out loud, he can’t find the courage. So as always, he tries to find the safe way to be not so obvious.
“I don’t even know why this matters,” he mutters.
Then Haechan hears Renjun retorts in the other side, “Just answer, damn it.”
Haechan can’t hold the urge to scoff, at this point he nearly crossed the line that he drew himself. Oh how Haechan really wants to compliment Renjun, how he really wants to tell the boy that all his life he never came across someone as beautiful as him, that Haechan truly adores every feature of his.
“You’re not ugly.”
“Are you seri-”
“Not pretty either.”
“Fuck you,” he hears Renjun cussing him, not even missing a single beat.
Rather than feeling offended, Renjun’s curse drew a smile on his face instead. Haechan really loves teasing his best friend and every little punch or curse that he earns from Renjun is like a reward for him. Haechan actually lost count of how many times he purposely tries to annoy Renjun just to get his attention.
“What is it? Cut out the bullshits,” Haechan continues.
Renjun turns silent again, but Haechan can wait. He doesn’t mind waiting, after all that’s what he’s been doing all this time, for his favorite boy.
“I’m just.. thinking, you know,” Renjun finally speaks.
“About what?”
Renjun heaves a deep sigh, as if the question Haechan asked earlier is the equivalent of pouring a salt to an open cut that he currently endures.
“Mark Lee has a boyfriend..”
Haechan shuts his eyes closed, there they go again.
Renjun is going through another heartbreak and of course as a best friend Haechan has to be there for him. It’s not the first time that he resorts to Haechan when he’s hurt, but one thing that Renjun doesn’t know after several heartbreaks he went through, that everytime he called Haechan and told him that he’s hurt, it made Haechan's heart also as broken as his.
“Then what?” Haechan finally responded.
“Then I’m sad.”
A few moments later, when Haechan is still trying to figure out the kind of words he has to utter, he hears it, the sound that breaks Haechan’s heart even more. Renjun is crying on the other side, and Haechan can’t even begin to point out the things that he hates at the moment.
Mark Lee is not an unfamiliar name. Haechan sees him a few times in campus but never been in the same class with him. However, his best friend shares a few classes with that boy and they became close after some group projects they did together. Renjun never told Haechan that he caught feelings for Mark Lee but Haechan isn’t dumb and he could tell it from the way Renjun eyes sparkle everytime he mentioned Mark Lee.
“Do you like him that much?” he asks softly.
He hears Renjun sniffing, “I.. I don’t know. I’m just thinking about how he was so good to me, and the times when I looked at him but he was already staring at me.. I thought he liked me, but he’s just nice to everyone I guess. But still, he shouldn’t have been so good to me.”
Renjun’s voice trembled as he let out the pain that he was holding before. He doesn’t have anyone else but Haechan to share his emotions and it’s just that he’s so used to let Haechan see him at his lowest state. The boy trusts Haechan so much and eventhough Haechan rarely shows Renjun that he cares for him, once in a while Renjun would say that he just knew that Haechan actually listens to him.
Little does he know that he keeps missing the point.
“Am I really ugly, Haechan?”
Haechan knows that Renjun question was for real but he just can’t take it seriously, there is no way his best friend is this naive.
“You think that shithead doesn’t reciprocate your feelings because you’re ugly?”
“Don’t call him like that!”
Haechan chuckles. Look at him, still defending the person that brought him into tears.
“I’m the one who should call him with things,” Renjun finished his words at last.
Haechan could’ve told Renjun the answer that he probably would never imagine to hear but of course Haechan also would never bring himself to that point.
“You’re not ugly. Maybe it’s just because Mark Lee’s boyfriend is prettier than you.”
“You’re really not helping,” Renjun retorts.
How Haechan really wants to see Renjun's annoyance right now. So then Haechan just paints Renjun's face on his mind while leaning his head back to the bed.
None of them says anything for a few moments before Haechan finally breaks the silence.
“Should I come over?”
That’s the least he can do, he thinks. Perhaps in this state Renjun actually needs someone to be next to him and listen to him all day and night until he doesn’t feel the pain anymore. And Haechan is so ready to get to wherever he is to make sure that he gets through it and feel alright again.
“No, don’t. I just want to sleep after this.”
“You sure?”
Renjun hums and Haechan wishes that he means it. After all, he doesn’t want to push Renjun to let him physically be there for him, he hopes Renjun knows that if he wishes Haechan to be next to him then he could count to three and he would be there.
“Alright then.”
Haechan waits for Renjun to say something after that, but he doesn’t prepare for the words that slip from Renjun’s lips.
“Thank you, Haechan,” he mutters softly. “As always, I only have you.”
Renjun has no idea how the words actually set Haechan at the state where he doesn’t know whether to feel happy or sad about it, or probably both at the same time. He wants to tell Renjun the same, but he has a whole another meaning behind it.
“I know,” Haechan hates himself that he could only afford saying that.
“Shut up.”
“Stop crying, I’ll kick his ass tomorrow.”
He then hears Renjun clicking his tongue. “Like you will really do it.”
Haechan’s lips then curls into a faint smile. His mind is wandering around, thinking about the possibilities of letting Renjun know someday about how he truly feels about him. They’ve been friends for so long that sometimes Haechan wonder if he ever noticed the little clues he left unconsciously. But even today, it seems like he just doesn’t get it.
“Just sleep then.”
It’s not like Haechan really wants Renjun to sleep, he actually still wants to talk to him, listening to his favorite voice. But as always, Haechan just keeps doing the opposite of what he wants to do.
“You want to proceed your game that bad, huh?” there’s a slight annoyance in Renjun’s voice. “I hope your rank will decrease.”
Haechan chuckles before he answers, “No way. I’m too good at this game.”
Little does Renjun know, he is talking about another game. A game of pretending.
“Are you feeling better?” Haechan hears himself asking in a tender voice.
Renjun doesn’t answer immediately, there’s a little pause and Haechan almost think that he probably was about to break down again.
“I am,” he says at last.
Haechan doesn’t know what else to talk. Deep down he prays that Renjun will have a good sleep and forget about his feelings to Mark Lee completely. If only heartbreak was that easy to handle, then Haechan himself should’ve had good sleep as well all this time.
“Night, Haechan.”
Haechan bit his lower lip. “Good night.”
The call ended and that’s when Haechan finally heaves a deep sigh that he had been holding. They’re going in the circle over again and there’s nothing that Haechan can actually do.
It’s like Renjun just tosses his heart everytime anywhere else and never really see the one who’s ready to risk everything for him has always been there, all along, standing right in front of him.
Because Haechan is too reluctant to come into the light, too afraid to risk the bond, as if one wrong word would make everything crumble down in a blink. So here he is, swallowing every bit of the pain that he at some point has became familiar with, hiding behind the shadow of a best friend.
+++
“Have you decided?” Jeno asks.
Haechan looks somewhere else as the question hit him. He knows for sure what Jeno is talking about, but he just doesn’t want to think about it. Not yet.
“Nope,” he simply answers.
Jeno taps his shoulder once. “Oh come on, the earlier you say yes, the more amount of time that we can get to pratice.”
Haechan chuckles at that. “You’re that positive that I’ll say yes?”
“Of course you would? It’s not like I recruite you to join a cult or something,” Jeno retorts.
Haechan could only laugh at his friend’s bicker. Jeno is right to be sure about it anyway, because Haechan is actually more than fifty percent agree to the idea.
About a week ago, Jeno asked Haechan to join his band along with the other three guys that Jeno introduced to him, they’re Jeno’s friends who somehow have the same interest to form a band. They need a drummer and Jeno happens to know a friend of his with a talent of playing a drum who’s now sitting right next to him.
“I haven’t played drum for a while, you know?” he said.
Jeno claps. “That’s why we need to practice.”
Haechan sighs as he feels that this friend of his is just too good at convincing.
But he still takes his time to consider the offer because once the confirmation slips out from his mouth, then he has to spare his energy and time for it. Haechan won’t count it as a burden though, but he can’t just blatantly take it either.
“When is it, again? The festival?”
Jeno beams him a smile and Haechan swears that Jeno looks at him as if he’s a fish that’s trapped in his fishing net. “July, we still get plenty of time to practice. Yeah?”
Aside from playing games right after his class ends, Haechan actually has nothing to do and it won’t hurt to get back to his old hobby, he thinks. Jeno even said that it’s not a permanent project, their main goal for now is just to perform at their campus music festival, he also heard that the performers will get paid.
“Okay,” he says at last.
Jeno claps once again as he finally got the answer that he’s been waiting for a whole week.
“Nice!” Jeno exclaims, he then take out the phone from his jeans pocket right away. “I’ll tell the others that you’re in.”
At the same time, Haechan feels his phone vibrates and he sees the most anticipated name pops up on the screen, Haechan smiles at the preview of the text he received.
Where are you?
He doesn’t waste even a second to swipe up his lock screen, typing the answer to the sender of the message.
My faculty’s park. Why?
Haechan glances at Jeno, finding him still busy with his phone then looking back at his own phone as he received another reply.
See you in a few minutes.
Haechan somehow feels his mood lights up. He didn’t get to see Renjun for almost three days because their class schedule just didn’t match and he got piled up homeworks to be finished too. Haechan misses Renjun so much that he could feel his chest tightened at the thought of seeing Renjun in a few minutes.
“Who’s that?”
Haechan doesn’t realize since when did Jeno lean closer to him that he could peek at Haechan’s phone. He then hisses at the sudden invasion.
“My friend,” he answers anyway.
There’s a big grin that slowly blooms upon Jeno’s face and Haechan frowns at the way he is looking at him.
“Friend, huh?” Jeno asks again. “You saved his contact with ‘Silly’ next to his name.”
Haechan doesn’t understand. He’s been naming Renjun’s number that way since long ago, well, to be precise ever since he found out that Renjun saved his contact as “Silly Haechan” at first. It was when Haechan lost his phone and Renjun said that he would save his new number with “Silly”.
“Because you lost your phone that’s why I saved it as Silly Haechan. Alright?”
That was what Renjun told him so then he also did the same for Renjun’s contact.
“So?” Haechan asks with one eyebrow arched upwards.
“Don’t tell me it’s not a kind of affectionate name,” Jeno says, the curiosity in his tone is so obvious.
Now Haechan gets what Jeno is trying to point. It’s complicated, Haechan thinks. It’s not like Haechan would deny the fact that he also finds it cute, this little thing like saving Renjun’s number with a nickname. But one thing that Haechan can’t blurt out is how it’s probably just him alone who finds it affectionate.
“Does he know?”
Haechan frowns at the question, but before he could answer Jeno speaks again, “Let me guess, he has no idea at all.”
This can be a played out as a joke, Haechan can just pretend that Jeno is trying to pry over nothing. But the thing is, Haechan doesn’t intend to dodge it.
“No, he’s just really stupid,” he answers at last.
Jeno laughs, he somehow feels excited to know more about his friend whom he only knew since last year after they shared some classes.
“How long have you two been friends?” Jeno tilts his head.
Haechan could sense excitement in Jeno’s voice and he actually can’t believe that Jeno could probably read him by the minimum clue he accidentally sees. Haechan isn’t the type to easily open up to anyone, but he feels like it’s not going to hurt him to at least share a little to lift off the burden that he’s been enduring for so long, all by himself.
It doesn’t take long for Haechan’s mind to find the answer that Jeno asked earlier.
He still remembers vividly the day they met for the first time. How the wind blew Renjun’s long brown hair to the back that it made it easier for Haechan to see Renjun’s face features from the side. How Renjun was the one who approached Haechan because he was the closest one who was standing around him. How the prettiest smile that Haechan had ever seen in his whole life bloomed in Renjun’s face after they introduced each other’s name.
The moments of the following days then flashes before Haechan’s eyes. Then it hit Haechan, how he had spent lots of his time with him, and yet he just couldn’t find any chances to grasp himself together, that he probably wasted plenty of moments to let Renjun know.
“Since middle school,” Haechan says.
Jeno nods at the answer. “It must’ve been hard for you since the first time you realized that you develop feelings for him, he’s been around you for so long and you’re probably afraid to cause a damage to your friendship.”
Haechan almost choked at how precise and accurate Jeno’s words are. He isn’t quite sure if Jeno didn’t pry at his life to get into that conclusion before this exact moment where the two of them are sitting on a bench in their faculty’s park.
For a moment Haechan finds it hard to let out another words, but he also doesn't intend to deny it either. Haechan has been lying to Renjun, to himself, and he just doesn’t get any strength left nor the will to lie to Jeno as well when this friend of his seems to understand the situation quite well, even only by tiny fragments of the clues from the way Haechan carries it up throughout this conversation.
“Exactly,” Haechan could only manage to say that.
“Did you ever think about telling him?”
Of course he did, a little too many times. In fact, every once in a while Haechan caught himself imagining some scenarios on his head, yet none of them is finalized to be practically executed.
“I watched him dating some guys all this time, accompanied him to went through plenty of heartbreaks, and never even once I had the guts to step closer. At this point it would surprise me more than him if I tell him how I truly feel.”
Jeno wants to utter some words but he notices someone walking not too far behind Haechan. The boy seems like going to approach them so Jeno holds back whatever he wants to say. Haechan glances at Jeno because he doesn’t give any response but then he knows why when a velvety voice greets his sense of hearing.
“Hi.”
Haechan finds himself spins his head in such a rush, slightly feels afraid if Renjun heard what he said not too long ago to Jeno. But judging from the innocent gaze Renjun has at the moment, Haechan chooses to believe that he didn’t.
But then he watches Renjun and Jeno exhange awkward smile as their eyes met. For an odd reason Haechan feels like he has to keep Renjun away from looking at Jeno for too long because he can’t bear to hold the stupid tingling of jealousy that creeps onto him.
His heart finally becomes more at ease when Renjun sets his eyes on him at last.
“Are you done with your class?” he asks.
Haechan blinks as he finds it hard to answer immediately, he still thinks about the way he looked at Jeno.
“I have one more,” he tries to sound as unbothered as he can. “Are you?”
“Same. Wanna have dinner at Cleo’s?”
Haechan just nods. “Alright.”
The next thing that Haechan didn’t see coming is how Renjun throws his gaze back at Jeno and beams him a smile. “Do you wanna come with us too—“
Shit, he’s flirting.
Haechan could only swallow his curse along with the lump that’s stuck on his throat.
“No,” Jeno chuckles. “Gotta go somewhere later, thanks for inviting.”
Part of Haechan actually starts to crumble down as for a moment he thought Jeno would agree to the idea and come along with them for dinner after Haechan disclosed his pitiful friendzone situation to him.
Meanwhile another part of Haechan is just numb as he is actually used to see this, to witness Renjun setting his eyes to another guys while he’s right there.
Haechan is too scared to look at Renjun and see the expression that he displays as Jeno turned down his invitation, but he glances at Renjun anyway even when his heart is not ready.
Turned out Renjun just nods along, looks totally unbothered though much to Haechan’s surprise. But Haechan doesn’t think Renjun would blatantly show his disappointment either.
“I’ll let you know when my class’s over, okay?” he nudges Haechan’s arm.
Haechan just submissively nods before Renjun nonverbally bids them goodbye and leave.
Just when he fully vanished from his sight, Haechan lets out a sigh which then somehow sounds more like a scoff. Jeno couldn’t help but laugh at his expression.
“He’s something else, right?” Haechan utters at last.
+++
Haechan’s class ended earlier that it should be, so he waited in front of Renjun class. When he sees him again, Haechan swears his legs wobbled a bit as Renjun shoots him his beautiful smile.
The walk to the Cleo’s is filled with Renjun ranting about his days. The rant doesn’t stop even when they’re arrived. Most of the time Haechan just listens to Renjun's stories for the past three days. He tells him about how his partners for the new group project in this semester are such pain in the ass that he would actually do several back flips if it would make him able to change partners.
Renjun also tells him that his mom visited his dorm yesterday, brought him some food and the highlight is the cake that she baked, she told him to share Haechan some.
Haechan tries so hard to make sure that he doesn’t stares too long at Renjun when he speaks because once his eyes meet Renjun’s, it would be hard for him to break free from those eyes and he’d surely lose himself so he chose to stick his gaze on his food while occasionally hums everytime he pauses.
When Haechan thinks Renjun doesn’t pay attention, that's when he’ll secretly adore him. Haechan loves the fact that he can catch up Renjun days, he doesn’t mind to spend the rest of his life just to listen to him.
After they finish their dinner, Renjun says he doesn’t want to go back to his dorm yet, saying he has no class tomorrow so he wants to spend more time with Haechan. So now they’re both walking to Haechan’s dorm because he just randomly says about the new video game that he installed and perhaps Renjun will like this one.
As they’re arrived in Haechan’s room, Renjun lets out the cakes from his paper bag and put it upon the counter at the corner of the room. Haechan’s room is just the casual size of what every other room for college students and he never really had time to manage his room but still tries to keep it decent somehow.
Haechan begins to plug the video game tools and turn it on, meanwhile his best friend prepare the cake and some other snacks they bought on the way.
“Mario Kart?” Renjun chuckles once he sees the screen.
Haechan is confused at Renjun’s reaction so he glances at him. “You can’t even play this?”
Renjun shoots him a glare. “Look at you, underestimating me again. I just didn’t think this is the game that you were talking about.”
Haechan shrugs as he hands Renjun one of the wireless joystick. “Well this is the most basic game that I believe your poor skill can afford.”
Of course Haechan is aware of another shove he receives later from Renjun as he reaches out to get the cake Renjun mom baked.
“Oh, I never met your friend that you talked to earlier,” Renjun says after they started the race.
Haechan knows whom he is talking about and his heart somehow sinks at the realization that Renjun tries to bring up about him.
“That was Jeno,” Haechan’s eyes still focus on the screen. “I share some classes with him.”
From the corner of his eyes, Haechan could see that Renjun slightly nods.
“He’s cute.”
In a cue Haechan’s breath hitches. He doesn’t know how to respond as he feels his heart slowly starts to shatter. It’s just barely a compliment yet it still hurts him, he has experienced worse though. But this one somehow bothers him because Jeno is his friend, not just some random guys. He is sure that Renjun is now letting out the bait to make Haechan tell him more about his cute friend.
“Just saying,” Renjun adds.
Haechan licks his lower lip as he maintain his position on the race, he’s currently first while the other boy is third, that’s his best rank so far. Haechan now plays the game by instinct, because he can’t stop thinking about the possibilities of Renjun wanting to know more about Jeno.
Eventhough he seems like he’s really just saying it, Haechan can feel in his guts that sooner or later he will bring up Jeno again. Because unlike the other days, the guy that caught his eyes is someone who is pretty close to Haechan and it is highly predictive if later he will dig some information about him from Haechan.
“He’s a close friend of Mark Lee,” Haechan hears himself speaks. “Just saying.”
“Huh?”
At Renjun’s quite bewilderment, Haechan can’t help but slightly turn his head to see Renjun’s face and he is somehow delighted by the funny nose scrunch Renjun does as he keeps focusing on the screen.
“Well, that’s not cute.”
This time Haechan doesn’t retain his chuckle at Renjun’s reply.
It’s been weeks since the last time he talked about Mark Lee. Renjun told him ever since he found out that Mark Lee already had a boyfriend, he made sure not to breathe in the same space with him in their classes, under any circumtances, saying he just couldn’t bear anything related to Mark Lee, that he wanted to stay away from him for good.
But it’s true about what Haechan said earlier, that Jeno is a close friend of Mark Lee. Eventhough they aren’t in the same major, Jeno and Mark Lee are friends from high school and Jeno sometimes bring him along when their group of friends hang out.
So Haechan thinks that Renjun probably wants to withdraw from his hunt as he seems like he’s still reluctant to be attached to someone that will remind him about his previous heartbreak.
“Damn it, Haechan, let me win for once!” Renjun whines.
The noise from the joystick on Renjun’s hands sounds like it’s about to break.
Haechan clicks his tongue. “You can’t even pass the second racer.”
“That ugly massive turtle always missed my traps,” he retorts.
Haechan couldn’t help but laugh at the way he whines. Eventually Renjun somehow managed to hit the second racer with his trap, coming in the second place and exclaims right away after getting rid of the annoying second racer. Renjun’s shoutings become more noisy as he gave his all to catch up Haechan.
Slowly Haechan loosens his pace and wait for Renjun to approach his kart, he glances at Renjun’s side of screen as his kart is not too far ahead from him.
“Wait for it, Haechan.”
He sees Renjun preparing a bomb to throw at him and Haechan could barely retain his laugh as he letting out panic noises because it’s the last lap and Haechan is getting closer to the finish line. But in the end Renjun throws his bomb and eventhough Haechan could’ve avoided it, he chose to stay.
“Damn it!” Haechan reflectly pretends to whine, while in fact he waited for the moment.
Renjun made Haechan’s kart flew away and with five seconds left, he managed to pass the finish line first. Haechan scoffs at how he celebrates his winning with a childish mocking dance.
“Happy, huh?”
Rather than answering, Renjun throws a few chips at Haechan’s face, making the boy yelps at his best friend’s unexpected attack. Renjun demands for a second round but Haechan denies right away, he said one round is enough and he wants to eat the snack instead, which then earned a slap on his arm by the boy who whines about second round.
“Ahh! Okay, okay, but let me eat first,” Haechan tilts his body to avoid the continous slap on his arm.
Renjun slaps his arm for the last time. “Can’t you just eat while playing?!”
Haechan doesn’t even bother to answer, he takes the little white box that he thought about a lot since he knew what’s inside of it. The cake looks so delicious and Haechan believes that it tastes much more delicious, he remembers that Renjun’s mom really bakes well and whenever she bakes she always gives some to Haechan.
“I always love your mom’s bake,” he chirps.
Haechan glances at Renjun, he looks like he just yawned but then smiles right away at Haechan’s words.
“They’re bussiness worth, right? I already told my mom, but she’s so hard to to convince, saying that she has no energy to receive orders.“
Haechan can actually understands why Renjun’s mom refused to what he recommended, because his mom probably bakes only to fill her free time though.
They’re both now leaning their backs on the side of Haechan’s bed while enjoying their snacks. Haechan is lost on his own mind, wondering should he tell Renjun about the idea of him joining a band with Jeno and the other guys.
Of course it’s not a big deal, Haechan will tell Renjun anyway but he just wonders is it the right time to discuss it or not. Renjun knows that Haechan used to love drumming and he also loved playing cajon back in high school, but he played it just for fun, this time the band that he’s about to join does have a goal which is to perform in the campus festival and although Haechan is somehow excited to play in front of big amount of audience, he still feels quite nervous about it.
So he needs reassurement and it should come from no one but Renjun, he believes. He needs Renjun to keep him stable and on track, to tell him that he’ll be fine and do it right.
“Listen,” Haechan finally begins. “Jeno asked me to—”
He doesn’t get to finish his words as he feels a weight suddenly landed on his shoulder. Haechan doesn’t realize about how close their proximity is that Renjun’s head is now leaning on his shoulder, eyes closed and seems to just fell into slumber.
Haechan tilts his head a bit to have a better angle to see if Renjun is really asleep, he’s sure that earlier he could hear Renjun munching but it seems like he is sleeping for real. Haechan really wants to chuckle, but he’s afraid it would wake Renjun up.
So he just stares at Renjun and God, Haechan is struggling to retain himself from screaming out loud because he just come into the realization that they’re painfully close right now.
From this angle, Haechan can see Renjun’s face features in detail. His favorite boy is always so beautiful but now seeing from this up close, Haechan can’t help but nervous at how breathtaking he is.
Haechan loves every part of Renjun and now he’s taking his time to appreciate it one by one, from the way Renjun bangs parted, showing a glimpse of his forehead, then his eyelashes that flutters a bit as he breathes, his perfectly crafted nose, his cute puffy cheeks that he loves to squeeze in every chances that he got, and finally his lips that he just found out looks much more pink from this close.
His lips, the gate of all his being, Haechan found himself gazing at it, realizing that it’s slightly parted as he can hear the sound of his soft breathing. Haechan then wonders how it feels like to have Renjun’s lips pressed on his, to let Renjun know how he truly feels all this time, to make Renjun stop looking away.
So Haechan slowly leans even closer, his gaze still attached on Renjun lips as he unconsciously gulps, Haechan can feel his heart is now on his throat that he can probably burst out at any second. As the distance of their lips is getting thinner, Haechan shuts his eyes, feeling his body tensed up.
It only takes one second for Haechan to feel a pang on his heart.
He opens his eyes again, heart still pounding and in the next second he realized that he doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want to take away things as pure as kisses from Renjun when he has no idea at all about it.
Haechan loves him, so ready to be willingly trade anything of his for Renjun’s happiness, for Renjun to always feel loved and content, but even if he never knows anything about that it doesn’t make Haechan has the right to be selfish. He loves Renjun unconditionally and he just wants to let it be like that until his heart clenches to the point he’s unable to feel anymore.
Haechan sighs as he pulls himself away, eyes glancing the features of Renjun’s face one more time. Before Haechan could stop himself, he plants a gentle kiss on Renjun's forehead instead, this time he doesn’t let his brain give any judgment to what his heart cries out.
It was so quick, just a chaste kiss that barely lasts, but enough for Haechan to stole the soft scent of Renjun’s hair and smiles afterwards.
For a moment Haechan wonders if there’s a universe where he's brave enough to tell Renjun how he truly feels, where Renjun only looks at him and feels the same, where he can drown Renjun in kisses. That’d be the universe Haechan craves the most.