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James knew something was wrong the moment he opened his eyes.
It wasn’t only that he was in a cold, sterile hospital room, or that he felt like he’d been trampled by a herd of Hippogriffs. It wasn’t only that he couldn’t recall precisely how he had ended up here.
It was that when he turned his head, the chair beside his bed was empty.
He was alone.
True panic didn’t set in until James tried to sit up, and found that he couldn’t. He was being restrained by a series of spells; he could feel the magic crackling around him as he fought against the invisible restraints. What the hell was happening?
At that moment, the door opened and several Healers poured into the room. What followed was highly confusing and only exacerbated the pounding in his head. He was asked a number of questions about who he was and what he remembered last and how he was feeling, all while the various Healers cast a number of spells on him. He tried to ask his own questions in return, and was met with nothing. He struggled against the magic holding him down, but of course it was no use.
“Enough!”
James turned his head, and relief flooded him. Sirius.
He wasn’t alone after all.
Sirius canceled the spells that were holding James down with a flick of his hand, and then he cleared all of the Healers out of the room, shutting the door firmly behind them. When he came back over to James's bedside, his cheeks were wet with tears, and James didn't know what was more shocking--that Sirius was crying, or that somehow overnight, he had grown a beard. Sirius Orion Black had a beard, and hair that was long enough to tie into a messy knot at the back of his head. He embraced James tightly, and James clung to him, emotions brimming over even though he had no idea why.
“What is this?” James said, laughing through his tears. He pulled back and then brought his hands to Sirius’s face, cupping it, marveling at the scratchy beard beneath his fingers. “Don’t tell me I’ve been in here long enough for you to grow this monstrosity. It’s gotta be a spell, yeah?”
Sirius looked startled, and then something complicated played out across his face before he settled into an easy smile and said, “Monstrosity? Rude, Potter! I’ll have you know that Remus loves it.”
James rolled his eyes. “‘Course he does. It’s you, innit? He loves everything about you. Bet he loves the hair, too.”
Sirius winked. “You know he does.”
“Ugh, gross, Pads.” James scrubbed a hand over his face, shaky with relief now that the spells that had held him down were gone. “What the hell happened?”
“Not exactly sure, mate.” Sirius shrugged, sobering. “You've suffered spell damage of some kind. You were found unconscious in an alley. We think you might have been jumped, but we don’t know.”
“Spell damage?” James echoed. “Was that why I was…restrained?”
Sirius grimaced. “Yeah, you kept thrashing about. The Healers didn’t want you hurting yourself further.”
“And how long are they planning to keep me here?”
“Until the end of the week. You can go back to the mansion after that.”
James snorted. He knew how Sirius felt about the tiny shoebox flat he shared with Regulus. “Mansion. Right. Very funny, Pads.”
Sirius gave him an odd look, then shook his head. “Get some more sleep, mate. The sooner you heal up, the sooner you can go home.”
---
The rest of the week passed uneventfully. Sirius was James’s only visitor, which he tried not to read too much into, but as hours and then days ticked by, his uneasiness became almost full-blown panic. Why hadn’t anyone else come? More importantly, why hadn’t Regulus come? Why had James been alone in that alley? Had something happened to Regulus? Was Sirius keeping it from him, because if James knew the truth, it would impede his healing process?
He suffered from these panicked thoughts for three days before he finally worked up the courage to ask.
“Pads?” James’s stomach was twisting itself into knots, but he couldn’t go on not knowing. “Why--why hasn’t Reggie been by?”
Sirius went very still. “What?”
“I mean, I’ve been awake for a while, yeah? And I know I haven’t been exactly lucid these past few days, but I thought--” James cleared his throat, blinking away the burning behind his eyes. “But he should have been here. I know him, Sirius. He wouldn’t have left my side unless--unless something had happened. Is he--is he hurt, too? Or did--”
He couldn’t go on. His throat was closing, he couldn’t breathe--
“James.” Sirius grasped his hands. “James, look at me. Regulus is fine. He’s safe, he’s not hurt, he’s okay. Breathe for me, would you?”
“But why--where--”
“Breathe, Potter.”
James finally did, dragging in deep, ragged breaths, because Sirius would never lie to him. If he said that Regulus was okay, then James believed him.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” Sirius asked after James finally got his breathing under control..
“Er,” James said, fighting a flush, because his last true memory was of smirking lips wrapped around his cock and of sinking his hand into dark curls. “Going to bed, I guess. Reg had just got back from a work trip and we--we turned in early.”
He could feel the blood rush to his cheeks, and Sirius scowled at him. “I don’t need to hear about you defiling my baby brother, Potter.”
“I didn’t!” Well, he hadn’t done anything Regulus hadn’t asked for, at least.
Sirius cleared his throat, looking uncharacteristically grim, and said, “Look, Jim, it’s…the Healers think you have a touch of amnesia.”
“Amnesia?” James blurted. “What are you talking about?”
“Reg getting home from a trip…that didn’t happen recently.”
“How long are we talking?” James asked, dread pooling in his stomach.
“A few weeks,” Sirius said after a moment. “Not days.”
“Merlin.” James frowned. “But then why hasn’t Reg been by?”
“They’re limiting the number of visitors you’re allowed,” Sirius said. “They don’t want you overwhelmed or stressed.”
“And my boyfriend doesn’t even make the list?” James asked, indignant. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, Pads, but what kind of bollocks is that?”
Sirius held out his hands, placating. “I’m a Healer, Jim. Since only one person was going to be allowed to see you, we decided it should be me. I know what questions to ask about your care. I know the Healing procedures that have been used on you.”
“Well, I’m awake now,” James said. “I’m getting better. Surely I can see other people now?”
“We’ll see,” was all Sirius said.
---
During one of the brief stretches of time that James was awake, he asked for the items that had been on him when he was brought to the hospital. He was given a bag that contained his clothes and shoes, his father’s watch, his wand…
And a wedding ring.
Sirius turned up later that morning with two steaming cups of coffee, but the smile died on his lips when he saw James’s face. He set the cups aside and hurried to James’s bedside.
“Jim? What is it, what’s wrong?”
“They returned my personal effects to me.” James’s voice was strangely hollow, even to his own ears. He uncurled his fingers, showing Sirius the gold band nestled in his palm. “I’m not missing only a few weeks, am I, Padfoot?”
“No,” Sirius said quietly, shoulders slumping in defeat. “You lost seven years, Prongs.”
James closed his eyes. Seven years. A quarter of his life, gone like that.
"When did you grow the beard, then?" he asked hollowly, like that was the most important question.
"Four years ago." Sirius's lips quirked feebly. "You called it a monstrosity then, too."
"Yeah, well, it is."
"Rude."
“Reg is gonna kill me,” James said with a wet laugh. “I can’t believe I don’t remember our marriage. He’s gonna have a fit, he was always getting on me about forgetting anniversaries…”
“James,” Sirius said quietly, reaching out to curl his hand around James’s. “Jim, you’re not married to Regulus. The two of you broke up years ago.”
James wrenched his hand away and glared at Sirius. “That’s a cruel joke, Pads, even for you.”
“It isn’t a joke or a prank,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry, Jim, but it’s true. You never really told me what happened, but you definitely broke up, and…and it was your idea. Not his.”
“Sirius, I would never.”
“You did, Jim.”
“Who the fuck did I marry, then?” James demanded. “Who could…who could possibly measure up to Regulus?”
“Evans,” Sirius said. “You got married three years ago.”
“Lily?”
“Come on, is that really so surprising?” Sirius asked weakly. “The way you went on about her at Hogwarts…”
“Yeah, but I got over that our sixth year, when--” When he’d snogged Regulus in the locker rooms after a particularly heated Quidditch match. Of course, after that he spent years pining after Regulus before Regulus finally agreed to go out with him.
“You started dating her about six months after you and Reg broke things off,” Sirius said. “You married her, bought a mansion, and we’re expecting you two to announce that a sprog is imminent any day now.”
James wrinkled his nose. That didn’t sound like him at all. Yes, he wanted to be married, and yes, he wanted children, but he hadn’t ever pictured it happening like this.
“I want to see him,” he said, but Sirius shook his head.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jim.”
“Why not?” James demanded.
“I just don’t want you to be hurt,” Sirius said softly. “It is over for you two, Jim. It has been for seven years. Seeing him again…might be more painful than it’s worth.”
“You don’t know that.”
“And he’s my baby brother. I don’t want him hurt, either.” Sirius ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Look, I’ll talk to him, alright? But it’s his decision if he wants to see you. I’m not going to force him.”
James felt nauseated at the idea that Regulus wouldn’t even want to see him, to talk to him. There had once been a time when the two of them couldn’t get enough of each other.
“I understand,” he managed. “Thanks, Siri.”
Sirius gripped his hand. “I love you, you know.”
“Yeah.” James squeezed his fingers. “Love you, too, Pads.”
---
The next morning, when his hospital room door opened, it wasn’t Sirius who stepped through.
“Hello, James.”
James had to blink back a sudden burning behind his eyes. It was absurd, but the only thing--the only thing--he’d wanted since he first woke up was for Regulus to hold his hand and call him Jamie like he always did.
But those days were over now, apparently. Had been for years, and he didn’t even remember it. Where had they gone wrong? How had they gone from forever to…this? Being called James, and having Regulus look at him with nothing more than cool indifference.
“Reggie,” James whispered, and Regulus flinched. He was twenty-eight now, and his face had lost much of the softness of youth, but he was still as breathtaking as ever. He had let his hair grow out slightly, so that it curled around his ears, and though he didn’t have Sirius’s bulk, he had filled out nicely in the shoulders and chest. James wanted desperately to be held by him.
“Sirius said you wanted to see me.”
“Yeah,” James said weakly. “I, um. I had a bit of an accident.”
“I can see that, Potter,” Regulus dryly, and James felt himself recoil as though he’d been slapped.
“I don’t remember anything past ‘82,” he said. “I thought--when I woke up, I thought that we--”
“We’re not,” Regulus said shortly. “We haven’t been together in years.”
James didn’t know what he’d been hoping for, what he thought this would accomplish. “Right.”
Regulus sighed. “Look, for what it’s worth, you seem…happy. With your life. At least, Sirius always says you do.”
“We don’t--” James licked dry lips. “We don’t talk?”
“No,” Regulus said. “We don’t.”
Not only was he no longer with the love of his life, but they didn’t even speak anymore? James couldn’t fathom it. This was worse than being dead. Had he fallen into an alternate universe somehow? How could this have happened?
“Is that all?” Regulus asked coolly.
And no, that wasn’t all. A thousand and one questions burned on the tip of James’s tongue. Do you still take your tea the same way? Do you still play Quidditch? Is there someone else in your life now? Do you still look the same in the morning, soft and serene? Did I ever give you the ring?
“Yeah,” James croaked. “That’s all.”
---
James was released from St. Mungo’s at the end of the week. Sirius drove him to his house, not trusting James’s still-bruised body with more volatile modes of transportation like Apparating, Floo, or Portkey. He drove them in Remus’s old beater, which James was so relieved to see, he nearly burst into tears right there. At least something had stayed the same after seven years. At least there was something familiar in this hellish world he had woken up in.
Remus and Lily were waiting for them at the house--at the mansion. James still couldn't believe that he had gone from the cozy flat he and Regulus had adored to this gaudy place. What had happened to him? Remus got to him first when he stepped through the door, wrapping James in a hug that was at once both gentle and desperate. James clung to him, breathing in the smell of Moony, and didn’t ever want to let him go.
But eventually Remus disentangled himself, and James could put it off no longer. He had to greet his wife, despite the dread that was tying knots in his stomach. This was Lily. He’d had a crush on her since he was twelve, and at this point had known her more than half his life.
Lily hugged him tightly, pressing her face into the side of his neck, and James’s arms went around her mechanically. He felt her tears against his skin and wished he could feel something, anything in return. Anything besides the hollow ache in his gut. He was wearing someone else’s skin, stepping into someone else’s life. All he felt was wrong.
“James,” she breathed. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re home.”
Remus and Sirius stayed with them late into the evening. James was absurdly grateful for this, which warred with the guilt of needing his friends there as a buffer between him and his wife. Merlin, there was a time in his life when he would have been thrilled to find out that he had married Lily Evans, but all it did now was serve to remind him of everything he had lost. And, having no recollection of their relationship, he had no idea how to act around her once Sirius and Remus finally left.
They changed for bed. James nearly asked if he could sleep in the guest room, but thought better of it. He needed to get used to this life. He couldn’t hide from it. This was his wife. How could he even think about sleeping apart from her? That wasn’t what married couples did.
When Lily leaned over to kiss him goodnight, he had to force himself to respond when all he wanted to do was recoil. She must have noticed, because her expression fell, but she mustered a smile anyway and said, “Goodnight, James.”
“Night, Lily,” he murmured. He laid awake for a long time after she fell asleep.
---
James tried, he did. He was James fucking Potter, he was too stubborn to give up on something just because it was hard.
But he couldn’t live in the house he apparently shared with Lily, surrounded by memories of a life and marriage he couldn’t remember wanting. He tried it for a week, sleeping in the guest room and letting her look after him. That was what you did when you were married, right? He was her husband, he was injured, and she was taking care of him. He was supposed to want this, he was supposed to like it.
But all it did was make him miss Regulus like a limb. Regulus, the man he was hopelessly in love with. He could no longer remember falling out of love with Regulus, couldn’t even fathom what it would take for that to happen. Hell, he’d been planning on proposing, he’d bought the ring and everything! And now here he was, seven years later, no longer even talking to Reg and married to someone else. This was hell.
So he packed a suitcase and crashed in Sirius’s guest room.
“Can’t believe you’ve been with Moony for ten years now and you still haven’t moved in with him,” James grumbled one night as they sat on the couch together, working their way through a stash of Firewhiskey Sirius had inherited from Alphard.
“Not all of us are as obnoxiously domestic and co-dependent as you are, Prongs,” Sirius said, running his fingers through James’s hair affectionately. “Some of us like having our own space.”
“But you love him, yeah?” Back in ‘82, on the heels of the end of the war, their relationship had felt fragile and precarious.
“Oh, desperately.” Sirius winked. “I may even marry him one day.”
“Sirius Black, get married? Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
“I could ask the same of you. Since when does James Potter run from his problems?”
“He does now,” James said, suddenly angry. “What did you want me to do? Fake it? Pretend that I felt something whenever she kissed me or hugged me? That’s not fair to either of us, Sirius.”
“You were only there for a week, Prongs,” Sirius said tentatively. “You might have to give it more of a go than that.”
That was true, but the problem was that he didn’t particularly want to. His heart simply wasn’t in it.
---
Sirius and James fell into a routine as easily as if they’d never stopped living together after Hogwarts. James was apparently between jobs, so he spent much of his time at the flat, reading and cooking and filling his time with small projects. Sirius worked full-time at St. Mungo’s, and was also permanently on-call for Hogwarts, in case Madame Pomfrey ever ran into a medical problem she couldn’t handle on her own. That kept him fairly busy, but he always found time for James whenever he was home.
James woke from a nap one afternoon to the sounds of Sirius clattering around in the kitchen. He cast a quick Tempus, and frowned. It was too early for Sirius to be home from St. Mungo’s--he didn’t often go in on Sundays, but when he did, it was usually because he was covering someone’s shift for the afternoon.
He threw on a t-shirt over his joggers and wandered out of the guest room. But it wasn’t Sirius in the kitchen--it was Regulus.
“Oh.” Regulus narrowed his eyes when he caught sight of James. “What are you doing here?”
James nodded at the guest room. “I’m crashing here for a while. What, um, what are you doing here?”
“It’s Sunday,” Regulus said, and when James continued to blink at him, he rolled his eyes. “Sirius and I have dinner together one Sunday a month.”
“Oh. Oh, I didn’t know that. Erm, he didn’t say…”
“Probably forgot, the berk. He’d best not be heading over to Lupin’s tonight, I brought the good wine.” Regulus sighed and fished his mirror out of his pocket. “Sirius Black!”
“I didn’t forget!” Sirius’s voice said frantically over the mirror. “I was at Mungo’s. I’m heading home right now.”
“Yes, well, you neglected to tell your guest that I was coming.” Regulus scowled at the mirror. “You also neglected to tell me that there would be company.”
“Oh, shit,” Sirius said.
“Don’t take too long,” Regulus said shortly, and ended the call.
“Look, I’ll stay out of your way,” James said, because he would do anything to erase the unhappy furrow between Regulus’s brows. “I just came out for some water.”
“Why are you here?”
“I told you, I’m crashing.” James sighed. “I--couldn’t keep living with Lily.”
“Oh?” Regulus’s voice was deceptively mild. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Right. Listen, I’m--I’ll go to Remus’s for the night. Let you two have the flat to yourselves.”
“James--”
But James had already grabbed a fistful of Floo powder, and he let the flames whisk him away.
---
Remus was in the middle of marking some essays when James came tumbling out of his fireplace. He glanced at his watch, and said, “Right on time, Prongs.”
James paused in brushing himself off. “What?”
He noticed then that two wine glasses sat on the table next to Remus, as well as a bottle of red wine. Remus uncorked the wine and poured some for them both.
“Sirius forgot to tell you about dinner with Regulus, didn’t he?” Remus said, silently holding out a glass to James. He took it and sat down. “They do it every month.”
“A little warning would have been nice,” James muttered petulantly.
They chatted about mundane things for a while. Remus finished grading his essays while James started poking around the kitchen, and eventually cobbled together a decent dinner for them both. When they finished eating, they retired to the couch in the sitting room, and James’s thoughts once again turned to Regulus.
“Moony, did he--did he cheat on me?”
“Not that I know of,” Remus said.
“Did I cheat on him?” A horrid thought occurred to James. “Merlin, did I cheat on him with Lily?”
“No! No, of course not.” Remus sighed. “All you ever told us was that you’d grown apart, and that you weren’t right for each other anymore. Regulus said the same.”
“And we just--stopped talking? Just like that? I broke up with him, and then I cut him out of my life?” James ran a shaking hand through his hair. “Remus, I don’t understand.”
“I wish I had answers for you, Prongs.” Remus squeezed his hand.
“The last thing I remember is Christmas of ‘82. I’d just--” James swallowed hard. “I asked Sirius for permission to propose to Reg, and he gave his blessing.”
“You did ?” Remus looked at him, surprised. “He never told me that.”
“Well, obviously I never got around to actually proposing, did I?” James said bitterly. “We’d split by the spring, and I don’t know why, and I still love him, Remus.”
Remus reached over and tugged James into his arms, and that was how Sirius found them hours later when he Floo’d over. He joined them on the couch, burrowing under the blanket they had been sharing, bringing with him three spoons and a tub of ice cream. It had been their ritual, in the years after Hogwarts but before Reg, when James had his heart broken seemingly every other month. His best friends had always been there to put him back together.
But they couldn’t fix this.
---
There was a Healer in the spell damage ward of St. Mungo’s who specialized in memory recovery, but they hadn’t wanted to perform any complex magic on James until his body healed and he was strong enough for it.
“There’s no guarantee all of your memories will come back,” they warned James as he sat in their office several weeks later. “Or that any of them will come back. You may even lose more.”
“I’ll take that chance,” James said. He had to know what he was missing. Even if the spell didn’t work, at least he would know that he had tried. He would never be able to live with himself otherwise.
The Healer sighed. “Very well. This procedure will likely take two hours, and you won’t be able to travel afterward. We will keep you overnight for observation, and you’ll be released in the morning if all goes well.”
Sirius stayed with him that night, feeding him ice chips whenever he woke, hazy and feverish and with a pounding headache. The pain didn’t abate until midday, and that was when the Healers declared James well enough to be released. He had been told, multiple times, not to actively think about the seven years he had been missing. It was akin to prodding an open wound, and might undo the recovery spell. Best to let the memories surface naturally, and not actively seek them out.
Sirius took him back to the house he shared with Lily, and James had to fight the irrational urge to beg him not to leave. Sirius, always scarily attuned to James, patted him on the arm when Lily left the bedroom to go fix him some food, and said, “Give it a shot this time, Prongs, eh? It’ll be different now that you remember your relationship.”
“What if it isn’t?” James asked quietly.
Sirius’s face fell.
“It’s gonna have to be, mate,” he said. “You and Regulus are over, okay? You can’t go back to that.”
---
James had thought that when his memories returned, his love for Regulus would fade.
It didn’t.
Two weeks after the recovery spell was performed, James asked Lily for a divorce.
“He’s never going to love you back, you know,” she said through angry tears.
“Probably not,” James agreed. “But I can’t keep doing this, Lil. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“Did you ever love me?”
“Yes,” James said. “I just…love him more.”
He moved into Alphard’s old flat, which Sirius had held on to since his uncle’s death but had never lived in or leased out. Remus and Sirius dropped by regularly, ostensibly to hang out, but they also not-so-discreetly brought meals with them and quietly stocked James’s cupboards, and James once caught Sirius trying to sneak out with James’s dirty laundry shrunk down and stuffed in his pocket.
“I’m capable of doing my own washing, thanks!” he protested. “I can actually look after myself. What is with you two?”
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look.
“Jim, you are getting divorced,” Sirius said. “That’s kind of a big upheaval, yeah? We just want to look after you.”
“And you call me the mother hen,” James groused. “Yes, I am getting divorced, and I am fine. I’m happy about it!”
“You’re…happy about it,” Remus repeated. James winced.
“I know Lily’s upset. I’m not happy about that,” he said. “But it’s a relief, you know? I don’t have to pretend anymore.”
“I thought you loved her,” Remus said, and he sounded sad. James instantly felt guilty. Lily had been Remus’s friend first, years before she would willingly speak to James, and he knew Remus didn’t like seeing her hurt.
“I do still love her,” he said, “but not the way that she wants. Not the way she deserves. It’s always going to be Regulus for me, and it took me nearly dying and losing my memories to see that. I’ve been deluding myself these past few years, and I won’t any longer.”
“Mate,” Sirius said finally, “he’s moved on. If you just blew up your marriage for him, it’s all going to be for nothing.”
“I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me,” James said. “I’m not living a lie anymore.”
---
For a while, James was fine.
He was between jobs at the moment, having retired from professional Quidditch the previous year, so he didn’t have work as a distraction. He kept himself occupied with various projects around the flat, which hadn’t been updated in almost forty years and which also hadn’t been touched since Alphard’s death. He found that he liked completing projects without magic, as they took longer and gave him less time to dwell on his thoughts. He started having pub nights with Sirius and Remus, and it was nice to fall into a routine; something that felt like a normal life.
But there was something missing . It wasn’t just the empty space next to him in bed or the vacant chair across from him at the breakfast table. A piece of him was gone, and he wanted it back like he’d never wanted anything else in his life.
One evening, James stared at the two cups of tea he’d just poured and admitted to himself that he couldn’t do this anymore. Even after all these years, fixing a second cup for Reg was still a habit, and now he had an extra mug of tea and no one to share it with.
He couldn’t go any longer not knowing.
James closed his eyes, and Apparated to Grimmauld Place.
He ended up in the empty and dilapidated park across the street from Number Twelve. Taking a deep breath, he strolled up to the front door and knocked with a confidence that he didn't feel.
The door swung open, and James blurted, “I have my memories back.”
Regulus’s shoulders slumped. “Oh.”
“Can I come in?” James asked. “Please. I won't stay long, I promise.”
Regulus considered him for a moment, then slowly stepped back and waved James inside. James had only ever been to the dreary Black ancestral home once before, and it looked like it hadn't changed much in the intervening years. Regulus obviously hadn't put any effort into making the house his own, not like when he had thrown himself into decorating the flat they purchased together years ago. This wasn't a home, not like that had been.
“Can we sit?” James asked.
He knew by the tightening of Regulus’s jaw that he was pushing his luck, but Regulus nodded. He chose the armchair, leaving James to sit alone on the sofa.
“I left Lily,” James blurted.
Regulus’s expression betrayed nothing. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time coming.”
“You’ve only been married for three years, James.”
“I never should have married her in the first place. Hell, I never should have even dated her. It was a mistake, Regulus. We never should have broken up.”
“You said you had all your memories back,” Regulus snapped, suddenly angry.
"I do!"
"Then why are you acting like this is my fault? You left me, James! Don’t pretend like that wasn’t a choice that you made. Dating her was a choice, too. Don’t come here groveling to me when you were the one who--”
“You were the one who pushed me away, Reg!”
“What choice did I have?” Regulus roared. “You remember what it was like, don’t you? The reporters, the paparazzi, the articles. You weren’t just dating a Black, you were dating a Black who was a former Death Eater.”
“I could have handled the press--”
“But you couldn’t and you didn’t, James,” Regulus shot back. “Not back then. We were--fuck, we were kids. You kept--you kept giving all these interviews, and you mentioned me less and less, and you didn’t like for us to be seen out in public anymore, and after a while I just thought--what was the point? What was the point, if the man I loved never wanted to be seen with me or acknowledge me? What was the point, when I couldn't even blame him?”
“Reg,” James whispered brokenly. “I’m so sorry--”
“Don’t,” Regulus said. “We both could have handled it better. But, yes, the press started to get to you and I didn’t want to make life harder for you, so…I withdrew. I picked fights. I made you think I didn’t want you, didn’t want us. And less than six months after you broke up with me, you were dating Lily Evans, so I thought I’d done the right thing.”
“Reggie, I--” But now James couldn’t deny that Regulus was right, that he had started to withdraw. They went out in public less and less because James was tired of the paparazzi and answering questions. He gave fewer interviews to sports outlets because inevitably he would get asked about his boyfriend. When he did give interviews, he had mentioned Regulus as little as possible. And now that he had his memories back, he knew he had done it all on purpose. “Reggie, I’m sorry. Godric, I treated you like garbage, didn’t I?”
Regulus shrugged. “I am a former Death Eater, Jamie. That’s never going to change. Dating me is never going to be easy for anyone.”
“But I don’t want anyone dating you,” James said. “I want it to be me. Reg, can we try again? Properly? Let me take you to dinner. Just once. I won’t ask for anything more than that if you don’t want it. I just want a chance.”
Regulus dropped his head into his hands. James sat there for several moments, listening to Regulus draw steadying breaths, unsure of what to do. Every instinct in him wanted to reach out, to touch Regulus, to hold him, but he didn’t have that right. Not anymore.
Finally, one of Regulus’s hands went to his collar, and he tugged on a gold chain that had been hidden beneath his shirt, pulling it out. A ring hung from it, a ring that James recognized instantly.
“I found this two weeks after you moved out,” Regulus said. He still wouldn’t look at James. “When were you planning to propose?”
“Your birthday,” James whispered. “I asked Sirius for his blessing that Christmas.”
“Of course you did. You sap.” Regulus’s eyes were overbright. “Seven years, and I’ve never been able to shake you.”
“Good. Don’t.” James got up from the sofa and knelt in front of Regulus, resting his hands on the other man’s knees. “Don’t, Regulus, because I can’t shake you, either. I never should have tried, and I’ll spend the rest of our lives making up for it, I promise.”
Regulus finally looked at him then, his grey eyes searching James’s face. Then, his mouth was on James’s, his lips soft and pliant. He still kissed the same, James noted with a dull ache, kissed with the same single-minded determination he applied to every other aspect of his life. How had James thought that he could ever give this up?
“I believe you said something about dinner?” Regulus murmured against his lips.
“Did I?” James said, dazed.
“Yes.” Regulus kissed his cheek. “And you’re buying.”