Chapter Text
You were always haunted by nightmares; it was a common occurrence. Every night they would haunt your mind, some nights worse than others. Though deep down a part of you knew that they weren’t dreams, they were memories… reminders of your mistakes: all the deaths, the blood, the mutiny, everything that you’d caused and witnessed.
Tonight, was one of the nights where it was worse. A blarble of different paths all blending together in a mash of loud voices, taunts of what once was or will be.
“Right, Captain?”
“Have we been here before?”
“It was you?! You caused this?!”
“I won’t let you destroy the universe.”
“It all comes down to bad leadership.”
The voices taunted you as you twisted and turned.
“The only person I trust more than myself is the Captain.”
“The Captain knows what they’re doing.”
The deaths that happened due to the choices you made.
“We trusted you, I trusted you!”
“How could you do this?!”
“CAPTAIN!”
You sat up gasping to catch your breath, you were sweating and rather close to crying. You gulped and got out of bed to distract yourself. It was early, very early, and no one else was awake, they normally weren’t. You sat down at your desk reaching for your book pile.
Nights like these you’d learned that there was no point in trying to go back to sleep, the nightmares would just come back, so you’d grown accustomed to simply reading until everyone was awake. You reread your pile of books which consisted of two books about space, three about leadership and communication and the last was your favorite: a picture book. The only thing that really seemed to still hold pieces of Mark.
You’d been taken aback when upon opening the cryopod and rather than seeing Mark per usual, you saw Mack. He was quick to take hold of the problems and take care of them, happily taking the role of ‘Captain’, you had let him too. You had grown too jagged to choices and the responsibility placed on your shoulders to make the right one.
Now Mack was a smart man, a great leader, but he was a tad full of himself. He wasn’t one for physical touch as you had quickly learned, seeing as after you patted his shoulder out of habit, he took your hand off telling you not to touch him and quickly sanitizing his hand. Ever since then you’d never bothered to do anything physically affectionate again. If you were honest, you were slightly touch-starved but for the comfort of your crew you would be more than happy to deal with it privately.
Finally after what seemed like ages, you began to hear the spaceship bustling with life, deciding now would be a good time as any to step out, you put your book down and head for your routine. Despite basically being demoted from Captain, you still usually did routine checkup on each station to ensure everything is functional and fine, and you were only more thorough after nights like last.
First was the control panel room, the room where it had technically all started; where the loop always seemed to lead back to. You quickly shove down the bile of emotions rising and greet the crew usually working there with a head nod, one which they returned. You’d then head to check on the ADS where Gunther usually greeted you and gave a general report and continued to talk about whatever it was he felt like talking about and you would simply listen.
Gunther often reminds you of an old friend, allowing more unwanted memories to flood the gates of your mind, adding more fuel to your mind. Many of the crew reminded you of people you once knew, it was… disorienting to say the least.
You’d go to the Cryo where Celci would give you a very thorough rundown of how things are going. She looked so similar to another friend you’d known, yet all at once she seemed nothing alike. The room's temperature, despite being average for any day, clung to you taking away any warmth you had, it reminded you too much of what it felt like to be frozen. After checking with her you’d go check on the reactor room where Burt would often give you strange quotes and pieces of advice, but you’d still nod and take it regardless. Still you remember all that had taken place there, each room only added more and more to the weight on your shoulders.
The last place you had to check was down an all too familiar corridor, it led to the warp core. Even looking down the hallway gave you a wave of nausea, and you began to sweat again, however to keep anyone from picking up on your panicked state you forced yourself through the door. Only freezing after the door closed behind you, the walls felt so close as you forced yourself to walk closer to the room.
You tried to force down any panic as you body tried to lock yourself in place, the echoes of the past were growing louder and louder with every slow step. Your breath began to become shallow as you raised your gloved hands in order to block out the noise that wasn’t there, you were so close to the end, so close. Just a bit more and-
“Captain?” one clear voice rang through all the chaos of all that was happening in your head, you whip your head around and see Mark Mack looking at you with what you had mistaken to be concern. You weren’t quite sure why he still called you that despite having already taken the authority of ‘Captain’, though even then what else was he supposed to call you? You knew Mack was also not an emotional person, you could even see his discomfort of having seen you distress. You quickly straightened yourself and forced yourself to take the final steps into the warp core, whereas everything else seemed fine but always induced more memories to surface.
After your round was finished, you restarted once more. After nights where the dreams were as vivid as last night, you had to constantly check that everything was okay, that everyone was okay. As you rush back to the control room you hear a set of footsteps follow behind you, they continue to follow you as you continue through your round. No one questioned you as you consistently came to check on them.
“Captain, is something wrong?” Mack asked as you finished talking with Celci for the umpteenth time.
You shrug it off with a head shake, and head to your last two checks before needing to loop around again. You felt so anxious about everything that even as your crew members enjoyed lunch, you would rather focus on the ship. Mack seemed to follow you around with his cup and a sandwich in hand.
“Captain, you’ve checked here five times already. I assure you the status of the ship hasn’t changed since the last time you checked on it ten minutes ago. Besides, the computer would have alerted us to any changes.” He stated as you look over the control panel once more.
You still studied everything, trying to calm the panic of the past from rising again.
“Captain, are you sure nothing’s wrong? You’ve been acting odder than usual today, and this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this.” Mack pointed out before taking a bite out of his sandwich. You honestly weren’t surprised he’d notice, of everyone of course he would be the first one to notice.
Once more you try to shrug him off, feelings of panic and guilt begin to crawl and get worse so you rush yourself into your quarters. Surprisingly you hear a quick set of footsteps following you and despite your best efforts to keep him out, Mack somehow got in.
“Alright Captain, what’s wrong, and don’t shrug me off. Something is very clearly wrong.” Mack stated simply yet slightly assertively.
You opened your mouth and raised a hand about to tell him everything, but you still decided against it.
“If… if this is about the fact that I brushed you off when you touched my shoulder all that time ago… I- I’m.” Mack’s voice grew quieter and more unsure as he rambled. “I’m sorry.”
This of course shocked you, you’d never seen this side of Mack, he was usually very confident and never apologized. Even more shocking was that he had thought that you were upset over that? It’d been forever ago and even back then you hadn’t been that offended.
You gave him the signal of it being alright, showing that you had never been upset over that in the first place. He looked pleased with this and sat next to you, rather close actually, both your legs were practically touching. You scootched over a bit to give him his space but in return, he scooted closer again.
“I know you're not one for words Captain, it’s honestly one of the reasons why you’re such great company” He began refusing to meet your gaze. “You’ve always listened to my ideas and ramblings. You’ve even put up with my arrogance towards you… so I- I wouldn’t mind listening to you in return.”
You were once more shocked, it was really one after another with him. Was he attempting to comfort you? So you decide to tell him about your dreams, only describing them as such, and true to his word Mack didn’t speak and heard you out all the way. Once you were done he simply sighed and carefully placed a hand on your shoulder, rubbing it slightly.
“They were just dreams, Captain, despite what I may say you’re not that bad of a Captain… You always did the best with what you had and I always admire that about you. Don’t feel too bad.” You nodded and he removed his hand off your shoulder. The two of you sat in comfortable silence, and for once the voices had stopped. Soon the two of you had to return to your duties, Mack being in control and you making sure everything was working fine. Before the two of you split off Mack looks at you.
“Hey Captain, next time you have dreams like that just come find me. I’ll do what I can to help.” Mack promised with a glint of honesty and sincerity in his eyes. You return a nod at him.
You were always haunted by nightmares; it was a common occurrence. Every night they would haunt your mind, some nights worse than others. But they are no longer so bad once you’ve woken up and walked around for your routine. And once you heard that second pair of footsteps follow not too far behind you, you knew that things would get better.