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Chapter Text

Clarke sprinted to her gate with frizzy blonde hair and her orange suitcase flying behind her. Clarke would have been on time but she couldn't find the exact shade of red to match the new fall leaves for her canvas then just lost track of time. She didn't even have time to check her watch and see it was 11:15, 10 minutes after her flight took off. And she definitely didn't have time to check the flight schedule and see her plane was delayed.

Skidding to a halt at her gate, Clarke breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the flight had not even begun boarding. Then she glanced at the board and realized her good fortune was not due to navigating the airport at top speed but because bad fortune tampered with the plane.

Clarke approached the desk and asked the worker about how long a delay they expected. Per the usual airport worker, he was extremely helpful giving her a shrug and mumbling something about an overheated left phalange. Frustration built in her chest knowing she was already cutting it close with this flight. She would only arrive with a few hours to spare but it was the cheapest one and she wasn't going to ask her mom for even more money to cover the trip.

Resigning to her fate, Clarke found a tight spot next to a large man with a bit too much neck beard (as if any neck beard wasn't "too much"). Pulling out her phone, Clarke shoots Octavia a text:

"Plane delayed. I'm sorry O but don't worry Raven has everything covered! I'll be there as soon as possible. I'd run if I thought I could make it faster."

She adds an xoxo at the last minute and prays Octavia is not going to replace her as maid of honor with Raven or worse.. Jasper. Why did the wedding have to fall at the same time as the biggest show at the gallery she was ever allowed her to manage?

Neck beard guy reaches into his bag, smashes Clarke even farther into her corner, and searches the bag far too long for its small size. He finally pulls free a smashed orange bag of Cheetos. Neck beard guy begins struggling to open the air filled bag. Once Clarke is about to yank the crinkling bag out of his hands, she finally hears a pop and the plastic cheese smell fills the air surrounding her. The nauseating odor pushes her over the edge and she decides standing is better for her health anyways.

Her phone beeps. She pulls it out hoping for a response from O but all she receives is "battery low" and her screen fading to black. Looking around, Clarke spots one open outlet and runs to it. In her hurry, she accidentally trips over the feet of the other girl taking advantage of the power. Clarke attempts to reach out her hand to catch her fall but still ends up in the girls lap.

"I'm so, so sorry!" Clarke quickly sputters out attempting to scramble off the girl. She manages to roll awkwardly off the girls lap and slide against the wall on the opposite side of the outlet. Finally having her bearings, Clarke allows herself to glance up at the girl. She only notices the brilliance of her green eyes as the girl looks at her curiously. Clarke busies herself looking for her charger and prays the girl doesn't notice the red creeping from her neck all the way to the tips of her ears.

Clarke is plugging her phone into the wall when she realizes the girl has spoken. She looks up at her and stutters out "What'd you say?" actually looking at the girls for the first time. She has an immediate urge to pull out her sketch book and draw the girl to immortalize her beauty.

"I said, 'you are forgiven,'" the girl informs Clarke.

A bit of time had passed since Clarke's apology but she soon realized what the girl was referencing and simply nodded. She was uncertain how else to respond to the girl's formality. She looks at her vibrating phone to see a text from "O my Warrior" as Octavia programmed her name.

"Justy gwt your ass hrre I wadnt surw avoit mimosas but I thikk thry were a giid"

Well, at least Octavia wouldn't be too caught up in her not being there. Clarke quickly shoots Raven a text to get some water and coffee in O in preparation of the rehearsal tonight. And quickly got an "Already on it boss."

Clarke lets out a sigh of relief that Octavia wasn't mad at her. She catches a movement next to her and looks up at the girl having nearly forgotten she was there.

Clarke reaches out her hand as she says "I'm Clarke."

"Lexa." the girl Lexa responds.

"It's nice not to just think of you as 'the girl' now… I mean not that I was thinking about you much.. Just cause.. Like I tripped on and was on top of you.. I mean not on top like that.. I just.. It's nice to meet you Lexa. I'm sorry about falling on you." Clarke could barely form sentences looking into the girl's eyes as green as the grass currently buried beneath the slush outside.

A grin slides onto Lexa's lips for the first time since Clarke had walked over. "It's nice not to just think of you as the girl who fell on me as well, Clarke."

Wow does Clarke like the way her name sounds on Lexa's tongue.

"Where are you headed?" Lexa asks.

"I'm actually the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. This flight already got in later than I wanted and with this delay I'm just praying to make the rehearsal dinner."

"I hope you make it in time." Lexa asserts.

"Me too." Clarke begins to ask where Lexa's headed when static shoots through the intercom and announces the flight is beginning to board. Clarke jumps up ready to rush the flight and yanks her phone cord out of the wall hitting Lexa in the process.

"Such a klutz. I'm so sorry!" Clarke exclaims reaching down to somehow help Lexa after hurting her.. again. She ends up helping Lexa stand from the ground.

Lexa just smiles and shakes her head at Clarke, "Nothing was injured, Clarke. No reason to feel bad. It was nice speaking with you."'

"Yeah, you too." Clarke says wishing for a way to continue the conversation. Lexa heads towards the plane and Clarke realizes she can't even board yet so she just watches Lexa walk away.

On the plane, Clarke smiles as she passes Lexa and heads to her seat. Arriving at her row, she double checks her seat. Then, triple checks. Sure enough, she gets the pleasure of riding the entire 2 hours next to neck beard guy-now with a bit more of an orange tint to his facial hair.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Translation:
"Justy gwt your ass hrre I wadnt surw avoit mimosas but I thikk thry were a giid"

"Just get your ass here. I wasn't sure about mimosas but I think they were a good choice"

Chapter Text

Lexa scanned the crowd walking into the warehouse she was pretty certain came straight from a Pinterest photo. Twinkle lights swooped down from the center of the ceiling to the walls with flowers entangled in them. More flowers covered the aisle in a thick layer leading to the front where they continued up an arch made of two tree branches. Lexa's favorite piece was a glass chandelier hung in the center of the altar. She smiled a bit imaging Octavia hounding Lincoln about the colors and different flower types. Though, it's more likely it was Lincoln bugging Octavia.

Relief floods her when she spotted Anya and Indra sitting a few rows from the front. She pushes her shoulders back and walks carefully to them over the carpet of flowers.

Anya stands to give Lexa a huge hug and allow her to slide into the row. Too much time passed between seeing each other now that they both existed in the real world. As Lexa moves into the seat, Indra gives Lexa's wrist a reassuring squeeze. Lexa returns a small smile at the gesture. She wishes she could have joined them for dinner the prior night but work prevented her from seeing anything but what was right outside her window and the hotel's lovely beige walls.

The music begins to change and everyone's focus shifts to the wood doors at the back of the room. After a few beats, they swing wide to reveal the four groomsmen beginning their walk to the altar with Lincoln striding behind them gallantly in a classic black tux with a single white flower boutonniere. A woman follows (the officiant Lexa assumes) dressed in a tan dress with flower patterned lacing on the top. Lexa noticed a slight gait in her walking leading her eyes to find a brace covering much of her leg.

The bridesmaids come next in simple blue dresses. Lexa watches them uninterested until she sees flashes of blonde curls peeking out from behind a girl's head. They remind her of the fascinating albeit clumsy girl in the airport… Clarke. The girl sways a bit to the side and Lexa's mouth drops as she realizes the shock of blonde does belong to the one and only Clarke of the airport looking like a princess. Upon Lexa's recognition, Clarke's eyes connect with hers with the brilliant blue highlighted perfectly by the dress. Clarke does nothing to suppress the shock spreading across her entire face. Their eye's never leave each other as Clarke continues down the aisle. As she passes Lexa and turns her head in an attempt to continue looking at her, Clarke's heel comes down on one of the flower petals and slides out from under her.

Lexa jumps to her feet in an attempt to prevent Clarke from crashing the floor. Only able to grab Clarke's wrist when reaching over Anya, Clarke continues her topple and drags Lexa down as well. Lexa slides off Anya's lap to the floor and somehow ends up with Clarke on top of her… again. The cellist falters in playing as the church falls silent.

Lexa is uncertain how to proceed so she just lays on the cool tile floor. Thankfully, Clarke hops right to her feet and offers her hand to Lexa with a sheepish smile. Lexa grasps her hand and Clarke pulls her to her feet. Clarke reaches towards Lexa and pulls a stray petal from her hair.

"I think this deserves more than just an apology. Drinks on me all night." Clarke hurriedly whispers to Lexa.

Without giving Lexa a moment to respond, Clarke continues her saunter up to the altar to an applause lead by the officiant.

"Do you know her?" Anya asks startling Lexa out of her trance staring at Clarke's back.

"No. Yes. No. I guess? We met at the airport when she fell on me." Lexa responds never looking away from Clarke.

Anya lets out a sound of disbelief mixed with a chuckled, "She sounds like a dangerous one. I would stay away."

Clarke finally looks to her and offers an apologetic smile making Lexa's heart flutter. "I believe you are right." Lexa mutters and finally pulls her eyes away to the now closed doors at the back of the church as the music changes again beginning the Wedding March.

The doors open again revealing Octavia in a lace wedding dress with pearl accents and a delicate pearl belt. Bellamy stands tall by her side in his dress blues with tears clearly shining in his eye.

The rest of the wedding flows without a hitch. Though if a piano crashed through the roof, Lexa likely would not have noticed. Her eyes remained glued to Clarke the entire ceremony—only for Clarke (and everyone around her)'s safety of course.

After the ceremony, Lexa is happy to sit and catch up with Indra and Anya. She feels someone grab her arm and whips around yanking it away. It's only once she's pulled her arm away that she sees Clarke.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you!" Clarke says with a grin. "I was hoping to offer you that drink now?"

"I would like a drink," Lexa turns back to Anya and Indra, "Please, excuse me."

Anya wiggles her eyebrows and nods enthusiastically. Indra just watches impassively as Lexa slides her chair back and walks off.

"Is falling this often a normal occurrence for you?" Lexa inquires as they head towards the bar.

"Only around you it appears." Clarke answers honestly.

"Maybe I should stay away then, Clarke."

"No! Don't do that." Clarke exclaims looking at Lexa recognizing the cheeky look on her face. "Oh. You just.. I didn't realize you joke."

"I did not realize the impact I was having." Lexa says as they finally reach the bar.

"What would you like?" Clarkes asks focusing too intently on the simple menu behind the bar.

"A Cosmopolitan, please," Lexa requests ducking her head.

"That was not expected." Clarke laughs turning to the bar tender ordering herself a whisky on the rocks as well. "Now, where were we?"

"I believe you were informing me of the incredible impact I have on you and the gravity around you."

"Don't get cocky!" Clarke laughed. She hadn't stopped grinning since walking over and Lexa was basking in the joy Clarke expelled. Clarke began using her fingers to make patterns on the bar's wooden surface.

"My apologies," Lexa responds and questions "Are you from TonDC or just flew out of the city?"

"I live downtown in the city. You?"

"I live downtown as well." Lexa answers as the bar tender returns with her pink drink and Clarke's whisky.

Clarke reaches to pay for the drinks as she's informed the bar is actually open. "I guess that takes away my apology of buying you a drink."

"You were long ago forgiven, Clarke."

"I still need to make up for hurting a beautiful girl.. For hurting you three times. I guess now we will just have to meet up in TonDC so I can truly buy you a drink," Clarke pushes.

"If you insist." Lexa responds with a smile playing on her lips.

Chapter Text

(5:34 PM): Are you free right now?

(5:36 PM): Yes. I just walked out of work.

Lexa’s phone had not returned to her pocket when it began ringing. She could not stop the slight upturn of her lip upon seeing Clarke's name flash on her screen. She took a deep breath before sliding the screen.

"Hello, Clarke" She answers.
"I like that you know it's me." Clarke says with a teasing voice.
"Well, you did grab my phone at the reception to plug in your number. Then called your phone to have my number." Lexa states.
"You could have deleted it"
"I would not."
"I'm glad" Clarke admits sobering up from her previous joking. Before Lexa could respond (not that she had a response), Clarke rushes into asking, "Are you free tonight for drinks?" She pauses for a moment but then continues before Lexa could interject "I know we just got back… Well I did… but drinks are good… and I just... I want take you to drinks... to apologize of course… and see you." Clarke's voice lowered as she continued her rambling.
Lexa waits a moment, uncertain if Clarke has more to say. "Are you finished?" She asks.
"Uh... Yes, I believe so."
"I would love to go to drinks," Lexa responds.  "With you," she adds.
"Sweet!" Clarke exclaims. "Do you know the Ark? It's downtown... Right next to the coffee place, Grounders and the weird statue that sorta looks like a UFO."  Clarke responds the smile obvious in her voice
"I know the place. My friend works at Grounders."
"How about we meet there about... well, you just left work so I guess you wish to go home so… 8:30? Unless that doesn't work for you?" Clarke inquires.
"That sounds great." Lexa says well aware of her quickened heart rate from the anticipation of seeing the fascinating girl again. "I have just reached my apartment. I will see you then." Lexa asserts.
"Can't wait," Clarke responds her tone back to the flirtatious teasing it held at the beginning of the conversation. 

Lexa hangs up and pauses for a moment. She stood at the bottom step of her two story ascent to her apartment. Adrenaline coursed her veins from just talking to Clarke on the phone. She needed a shower before seeing the girl. Counting down from 10, Lexa slowed her pulse and began the climb to her place.

Over two hours later, Lexa applies her final touches to perfect winged eyes and pulls back to assure they are even. She did a few tight French braids on the side of her head to keep down her flyaways. She kept it simple with a tight black tank that dipped a bit lower than her normal and dark jeans. She even added a silver necklace with a few chains. She can do this. It's no big deal. Just drinks with Clarke. 

Turning away from the mirror, her eye catches on the black surrounding much of her forearm. She stares for a moment thrown back to years ago.  Rather than the guilt which often swallows her, she's reminded of the same feeling in the pit of her stomach preparing for her first date. The perfect date: sitting and talking for hours about nothing and everything. Getting in trouble for sneaking in hours past curfew but how worth it the punishment was. Especially those final moments lost in another universe intertwined with Costia. She brings two fingers to her mouth kissing them and touches the band softly.

Lexa laces her combat boots and throws on her leather jacket. She wasn't lying to Clarke when she told her she knew the area. The Ark was not even a block from her place. And her friend did work at Grounders... she just also happened to own the place. Walking down the steps into the brisk air, a shiver drops down her spine as she begins her short walk.

Clarke arrives at Ark a bit early, thirty three minutes to be precise. She may live close but what if she tripped and ripped her pants so she had to run back home. It had happened before. She decided to set up camp at the bar to wait. She chose the Ark because it was where she was most comfortable but was now beginning to rethink the option. Too many knowing eyes on her during the date. No. Not date. Just drinks with the most stunning woman.

Monty immediately came up for her order, even though the place had already begun filling.
"Only a water, please," (she did not wish to start without Lexa--no matter how fluttery her stomach).
"Detoxing tonight?" Monty asked filling a cup from the drink hose.
"Waiting for someone," Clarke said with a small smile.
Monty's eyes widened slightly but he quickly focused on the drink in an attempt to hide it. "A someone, someone?"
"I... I don't know," Clarke admitted.
"I hope it goes well. You deserve it." Monty told her though Clarke barely caught the last part it was said with such speed. He handed her the glass with an encouraging smile.
"Thanks. Could you actually bring a cosmopolitan and my normal whisky over when my someone arrives? Please!" She asks biting her lip.
"Damn, Clarke. This definitely sounds like a someone, someone. Good luck," Monty turns from her to tend to the rest of his customers.

Clarke sits staring at her water just focusing on her breaths in and out. She tries to keep all other thoughts at bay and just watch the breaths. She suddenly feels a poke to her side and jumps. Out of the corner of her eye, she catches manicured brown hair and all black. She's completely encased in it within the next moment. "Hey, Bell."
"Clarke."
"I didn't know you were back in the city already." Bellamy releases Clarke from the hug but keeps his arm around her.
"Octavia and Lincoln left for their honeymoon yesterday so I figured I would come back. Some extra time with the boys before I have to head back." Bellamy runs a hand through the hair as if to push its previous length out of his eyes. He was still unfamiliar with the shortness.
"How long again?" Clarke revels in being able to touch him after just FaceTiming for over six months with practically her brother. The boy who picked her up when she fell off her bike. The boy who drove her and Octavia to the mall with almost no complaints. The boy who stood next to her father with his arms crossed glaring intimidatingly after her and Finn the first time he took her out.
"A few weeks," Bellamy answers starling Clarke out of her memories.
"Too short," Clarkes tells him with a frown.
"You know why," Bellamy's eyes begin to take on the sad look which seemed to be permanently engrained since those months ago. The look which began to lift after he joined the service. He takes a step back from Clarke who had returned to staring at the glass and breathing. "Look, I told Jasper I would kick his ass at Call of Duty so I need to head out. Your mom invited me for dinner on Sunday. I'm guessing you'll be there?"
Clarke pulls her eyes from the water to look at Bellamy again. "Never miss it," she says attempting to keep the sadness out of her voice. Tonight's a good night so she does not need to think of the person who always misses Sunday dinner now. She smiles at him. "I miss you, Bells."
"I miss you, too," he leans back in to give her another hug. They sit like that for just a moment taking comfort in the presence of another who understands the pain.

Lexa stands awkwardly next to the entrance. Initially, she had been uncomfortable with how the guy had his arm slung around Clarke. Then she realized who he was and began to feel like she was intruding just watching the conversation. She knew vaguely of the stories about how Bellamy suddenly dropped everything and ran off. It seemed like everything happened last year. Octavia and Lincoln got engaged. Bellamy left to join the army. And she had also heard something about their father figure dying in a horrible way.

Bellamy walks out the doors with a faraway look not even noticing Lexa. Clarke looks nothing like the vibrant girl she previously met. Her shoulders slump around her drink and she looks like she has carried the world on her back.

Chapter Text

She can feel the pressing on her eyes. Seeing Bellamy threw her off guard. They FaceTime'd often but being in his space again transported her back to that night.

No, not tonight.

Lexa. Lexa. Drinks with Lexa. Clarke repeats the mantra a few times in her head and rolls her shoulders. The past won't ruin tonight.

Lexa wants to wrap Clarke tightly in her arms and fix everything for her. She begins the short walk from the door when a transformation begins in the girl. Clarke throws her shoulders back and shakes her head a few times. Her back loses the dejected curve and, from the slight bit of face Lexa could see, it appears a smile masks Clarke's previous face. She is again the Clarke Lexa knows.

Lexa falters for a moment about three feet from Clarke's stool. She was prepared to comfort the girl but now she is uncertain how to approach. She is doubtful to even let Clarke know she witnessed her vulnerability. Clarke cuts her analysis short by turning her head to check out the rest of the bar and catching sight of Lexa's frozen form. Lexa tries to remember how to smile but her brain suddenly muddles only seeing Clarke.

"Hi." Clarke's perfect lips form the perfect word and her perfect legs bring her perfect body closer to Lexa. Clarke's dark blue shirt hang's loosely slipping slightly off her right shoulder. Lexa's eyes move down to see painted on grey jeans and snap back to Clarke's face as she swallows thickly. While Clarke's lips carry the expected smile, her eyes carry the unexpected weight of many horrors.
Lexa still stands stuck in the headlights when Clarke's arms reach for her. Grateful for the body's automatic response system, Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke's torso.
"Hi." Lexa finally responds into Clarke's shoulder. Her lips brush Clarke's bare skin as she speaks causing chills to run down her spin. Lexa already misses the warmth when Clarke releases her.
"I guess great minds think alike." Clarke says to Lexa who know her face reveals a questioning look. Clarke's smile widens and begins to touch her eyes as she grabs the bottom of Lexa's unzipped jacket rubbing the material between her fingers. A laugh bubbles to Clarke's lips as she spins around lifts up a very similar leather jacket of her own. Lexa finally understands and offers a grin back.
"Well, I always appreciate a compliment to my intellect."
"Not what I meant but I'll give it to you. Do you wanna sit?" Clarke asks gesturing to the bar stools behind her.

Before even settling into her chair after putting her jacket on the back, the bartender already placed a Cosmopolitan in front of her. "I did not…" she begins to protest.
The shaggy haired (very young looking) man shakes his head and points to Clarke. "You may not have but she did." He grabs a glass and fills it with whisky to place before Clarke. He flashes a grin at Clarke sauntering away.

Lexa stares at Clarke in amazement. "Thank you. You are surprising."
"I'm not just a clumsy mess you know. And this was nothing."
"I know." Lexa shakes her head reaching for her drink. "To delayed flights," she says lifting the delicate glass. She clinks it with Clarke's hard whisky.

It was going well. Better than well honestly especially considering how the night started. Clarke did not know if Lexa saw her conversation with Bellamy but she hoped not. She did not want her relationship with Lexa to be contaminated by the toxic of her past. Lexa unwound a bit by the time the second Cosmo wet her throat. Clarke had to force herself to pace the drinks with Lexa. It did not matter how much slower than normal she went, all she wanted was to be around Lexa tonight.

It was going well. Clarke had noticed the man watching them for a bit but tried to pay him no mind. Her eyes struggled to leave Lexa's face anyways. Who needs whisky when she could watch Lexa's lips and excitement discussing the current struggle to convince her boss it was not okay to refer to the woman staff as chicks and babes. The conversation flowed easily and Lexa's quiet laugh, which popped out every so often, tilted Clarke's world off its axis.

Then, the drink shows up in front of her. Monty had been relieved by another bar tender who shrugs at her and gestures to the guy she noticed before. Clarke attempts to tell him no thanks but he is already tending to another customer. Her eyes accidentally catch on the bulky man and she tries to remain indifferent. She turns back to Lexa and decides to just ignore the drink and creepy man. Lexa looks at her with uncertain eyes but Clarke shakes her head and offers an encouraging word to continue.

Clarke is animatedly telling the story of Octavia and Raven attempting to rig a contraption to catch Bellamy and his date on the front porch in high school, when she feels goose bumps on her arm. That's when Clarke feels the tap on her shoulder. She looks at Lexa whose face has lost the light look from the night as she looks over Clarke's shoulder. Clarke turns around unprepared to face the intrusion.

"Would you like a different drink?" the man booms closer to Clarke's face than she anticipated.
"What?" she asks instinctively leaning back.
"You didn't drink the one I bought you, so I was wondering if you wanted another type of drink," the man offered.
"No… No, thank you," Clarke objects still trying to be polite.
"My name's Quint. I just wanted a way to break the ice but I understand if you don't want another drink." Quint respond somehow moving closer to Clarke. "How's your night been?"
"I'm good. I would like to return to my d..conversation. Thank you." Clarke begins turning her chair back to Lexa when she feels a hand wraparound her arm. She yanks away and is about to scream when she can no longer see the man. Her vision's been filled with the black of Lexa's back.
Lexa stands defensively in front of Clarke and spews at the man, "You never touch a woman if she does not wish to be touched."
"I was just trying to be friendly," the guy shoots back.
"No. My date told you she was not interested so you will respect her wishes. Do you understand?" Lexa enunciates every word ensuring Quint follows.
"Come on. Don't act like this is a big deal," Quint mutters.
"I asked if you understood." Lexa stares the man down unfaltering.
"Yaa…yes. I get it. I am sorry for bothering you."
"Do not apologize to me. Apologize to her," Lexa says stepping to the side and allowing Clarke to see the man again. The man who once stood tall and bold now melted into a puddle at Lexa's will.
"I am sorry for being rude. Enjoy your night," he apologizes practically groveling.
Clarke simply nods at him taken aback by the entire exchange. The man's chin nearly hits his chest as he shuffles away from them. Clarke watches till he's out the door and it closes firmly behind him.

Lexa did not mean to react like that. She had been uncertain how to shoo the man when he first approached but once she saw the man touch Clarke, something snapped. She's uncertain if it was the man's large hand encasing Clarke's arm or the fear which flashed through Clarke's eyes that finally catapulted her from the seat. Lexa returns to sitting and takes a long sip. Her eyes just stare on Clarke's blonde ringlets. When Clarke does not turn back around, fear begins to surge her body. All she wanted was to keep Clarke safe. She wants to touch Clarke's back to bring the girl back to her but decides against it. Her head droops and she stares at the pink in her glass until she hears the girl turn back towards her.

"I am sorry if I scared you." Lexa apologizes keeping her eyes downcast toward her drink.
"You called me your date," she believes she hears Clarke whisper. At that, Lexa's head lifts to see a grin occupying Clarke's entire face.
"What?" Lexa breaths. Her eyes lock with Clarke's and her face morphs to match the smile.
Clarke leans closer to Lexa's ear and repeats, "You called me your date."

Chapter Text

Rolling over, Clarke can't suppress the large grin spreading across her face. It one of the first nights in months, her sleep was not plagued by horrors. She could definitely thank Lexa for that. The date… yes, she could now allow herself to think of it as a date… went perfectly. Heck even the guy could not ruin their night. He forced the ice to break and the girls to admit the night of drinks was in fact a date.

She stumbled from her bed with one goal in sight: coffee. Popping the cup into the Keurig she barely heard a ding from her room. The thought of caffeine slid quickly from her minds forefront replaced by the dazzling girl.

Clarke ran back to her room only crashing once into the couch and one close call with the coffee table. She's halted by the sound of laughter before reaching her door. Laughter directed at her. She turns to see Raven watching from her own doorway.

"Where's the fire, Clarke?"
"No time for your shit today, Raven."
"Harsh, babe. Harsh!"

Clarke simply flashes a quick grin at her before returning to the race for her phone. Grabbing the contraption from where it somehow ended up on the floor, she opened the awaiting messages.

(10:01 AM) L: Thank you for inviting me last night. I had a great time. I hope you did as well.
(10:01 AM) L: :)

Clarke laughs at how formal Lexa sounds after they both could barely keep their words straight by the end of the night. Though sat talking till the bar closed down, the last half hour or so the conversation had deteriorated into just a smorgasbord of giggles and stares. It was hard enough for Clarke to keep her eyes off Lexa when sober, drunk Clarke had been practically smothering the girl with her gaze. Though, Lexa definitely returned every look.

(10:02 AM) C: I had a ton of fun. Thanks for coming :)

Clarke went back to the kitchen with the need for coffee creeping back into her brain. Walking to the machine, she finds her cup missing. Glancing towards Raven, she spots the steaming cup being lifted to her mouth as she reads something on her phone.

"You're welcome."
"What?" Raven looks up with a shit eating grin.
"You're welcome for the coffee."
Raven's face transform to a look of perfect innocence. "Thank you very much. It is very delicious."

Clarke's phone dings and she swipes it from the counter immediately.

(10:05 AM) L: I have tickets for the opening of the new art exhibit at the Jaha, tomorrow. Would you care to accompany me?
(10:05 AM) C: Yes. Yes. 100 times yes. How'd you score those tickets??

"Wow."
Clarke's startled out of rereading the text for the tenth time. "Hm?" She asks not removing her eyes from the message.
"I haven't seen that since... Since you moved in here"
Clarke finally lifts her head to see Raven staring at her like Clarke was walking for the first time.
"What?" She asks unable to hide the immense joy she felt and not just from receiving an invite to the most exclusive art event in town.
"That." Raven points to Clarke's face. "That real smile."
"I slept well," she says trying to bat away the coming inquiry.
"I didn't think I heard you last night… Well, I didn't hear you after you came tripping through the door singing loudly."
"I wasn't loud," Clark defends.
"Oh, babe, you likely woke old Mr. Johnson on the tenth floor."
Clarke does not have a response for her so she just grabs her second cup of coffee to sit with Raven at the table. That's when her phone goes off again.

(10:11 AM) L: Oh. It was nothing. A friend gave them to me. I can pick you up at eight in an Uber.

Clarke settles into her seat a bit curious as to why Lexa was not just driving. Jaha was a bit far from TonDC.

(10:12 AM) C: I can drive if you wish! 8 sounds great.
(10:12 AM) C: Get it? It rhymes.
(10:13 AM) C: That was bad. Please still let me come! I'll be a perfect date.

She debated on the last word but decided to throw care to the wind. Lexa had invited her in the first place. She put down her phone and finally has the first glorious sip of coffee.

"So I guess that means the date went well?" Raven inquires.
"Well would be an understatement." Clarke counters vaguely.
"So, things happened?"
"We talked and drank at the Ark."
"Aw! Come on, princess, spill."

They both freeze. Raven realized a few moments too late the nickname which slipped from her lips. Clarke's eyes glaze over with the look they used to hold constantly. She realizes hearing it no longer sent a sharp burn like a soldering iron to the heart. It just made her more aware of the constant weight sitting on her heart. It felt like it was leaking and spreading a cool numbness across her chest.
Raven tries to bring her back. "Clarke? Hey! Clarke come on tell me more about Lexa and that date last night."
Clarke blinks her eyes rapidly and takes a deep breath trying to refocus. The mention of Lexa directs her mind back to the night before. She shakes her head and looks back to Raven. Clarke tries to paste the smile back on. Fake it till you make it… right?

Her phone decides to ding at that moment.

(10:18 AM) L: That was bad but I will forgive it. :) I am sure you will be a great date. If you wish to drive, that is fine with me. I can send you my address.
(10:18 AM) C: Sounds fantastic

Clarke looked up from her phone with her head in a much better place to see Raven watching her expectantly. "Anything exciting?" She questions.
"Lexa just asked me to attend a gallery with her."
"Go!" Raven exclaims.
"There was never any other option," Clarke admits.
“So, let’s get back to how that date went.”
Clarke knows she could only shove away the questions for so long. She might as well dive in.
"Some asshole almost ruined the night but Lexa was a total badass and sent him away with his tail between his legs."
Raven gives an approving look with raised eyebrows. "So you thanked her with a large kiss?"
"I bought her another drink and we talked more," Clarke admitted.
"And then you kissed her good bye," Raven pushed.
"Raven. I like her but.." Clarke pauses unable to form the words. Her throat too thick, already thrown off by the prior reminder of him. She finally gives up continuing and just bows her head.
"Clarke," Raven whispers attempting to bring Clarke back to the conversation. "He'd understand. Especially if she's as amazing as you say."
Clarke finally looks back up. "She is amazing."

Her phone dings again as Raven's buzzes. Checking the screen, Clarke's surprised to find a message not from Lexa.

(10:21 AM) O: What's up, bitches?? I hope you aren't lost with me gone. Costa Rica's been amazing! Lincoln's out sketching some flower so I have a few minutes free.

The next message comes in showing an unbelievable view of a waterfall cascading down a cliff.

(10:22 AM) O: We jumped off that
(10:22 AM) C: Wow O! That's gorgeous and looks super safe
(10:22 AM) R: Damn girl! I thought this was supposed to be relaxing
(10:23 AM) O: It is!! I miss you guys!!
(10:23 AM) C: We miss you too!! Come back soon!
(10:23 AM) R: Yeah come back soon.. I still have wedding gifts in my room and they’re taking up space. I’m going to claim them for myself soon
(10:24 AM) O: Don't be a brat Raven.
(10:25 AM) R: Love you too!
(10:25 AM) O: I'll be back in a few days and get the gifts then. I have to run.. We're climbing a volcano today. Love you guys!!
(10: 26 AM) C: Love you!!
(10:26 AM) R: Be safe!

The two returned to finishing their coffee scrolling through social media missed during sleep.
"I saw Bell last night." Clarke attempts to throw it out nonchalantly.
The comment causes Raven to break from Twitter. "Oh?" She simply asks. Wanting Clarke to only share what she was willing.
"Uh… yeah. He's back in town for a few weeks. He suggested we grab lunch." She pauses but Raven does not say anything. "It was so different from FaceTime. It was like… being back to before. When he was just around. I just wish he'd never left." Clarke just shakes her head uncertain how to continue.
"He needed his own way to heal. Last year was a lot for everyone. I know you suffered the worse but he was close to them too."
Clarke bites her lip and closes her eyes. "I know," she says in a low tone.
"Give him time." Raven stands and lays a hand on Clarke's back before walking back to her room. Clarke sits staring at her coffee for a bit longer until two dings come from her phone. The first message is simply Lexa's address.

(10:35 AM) L: I look forward to seeing you.
(10:35 AM) C: Can't wait

The message goes through and Clarke smiles. Last year was bad but she was starting to think Lexa could be a new beginning. She scoots the chair back from the table and prepares to begin her day.

Chapter Text

Clarke's whole day went by in varying intervals. Sometimes her excitement made the hours pass unbelievably slowly. She'd be in the gallery and look at the clock then check the clock again believing an hour passed but the minute hand only moved to the next tick. Other times her anxiety for the night made the minutes just slip through her fingers. Organizing a new exhibit seemed to take minutes when she realized hours had flown by.

Looking at her phone after work, Clarke groans seeing so many missed text messages. She knows it's likely just sassy gifs sent back and forth between Raven and Octavia. The accuracy of her prior assessment rang partially true: the first thing she sees is a gif of Spider-Man flicking her off but there was also discussion of the reunion Sunday dinner at her house. It would be the first time the whole group was together since before Bellamy joined the army.

It's… funny how they spoke to her mom more than she did. Clarke decides to just shoot off a quick text to let her mom know she will be there Sunday. There was honestly never any doubt she would not be there with last week being one of the few she ever missed. Her mom was at the wedding though so it is not like she actually missed.

Another message sat amongst her friends' banter which she almost missed.

(2:08 PM) L: I am looking forward to tonight :) I hope your day has gone well

The eruption of butterflies upon seeing the text was actually ridiculous but the fact that Lexa thought of during the day made her anticipation for the date increase 10 fold. Clarke pauses before responding not wanting to overwhelm the girl with her excitement.

(5:49 PM) C: Sorry I didn't check my phone at work! I can't wait! I can't wait to see this exhibit
(5:50 PM) C: And you. I'll be at your place at 8

She adds the overly smiling smiley to the end of the second message. Her phone dings as she hits send on the second message.

(5:50 PM) Mom: Hi baby. I'm glad u will b there. Bellamy made it sound like the whole gang is coming. Love u! 3
(5:51 PM) C: Love you too! 3

It brings a slight comfort to exchange a few words with her mom. The now missing piece had always been their bridge. Clarke pulls her hair into a top bun and practically runs to catch the metro realizing she only has two hours. She tries to hurry methodically though so no accidents can occur.

So maybe Lexa had not been completely honest with Clarke but she did not wish for the girl to know her struggle to acquire the tickets. The second Anya mentioned the display at Jaha Clarke popped into her mind. Not that she was ever far from her thoughts lately. Thank goodness one of Anya's coffee supplier's son worked for Jaha and was able to get his hands on tickets for the exclusive opening.

She ran into a mental roadblock at work today and went to grab coffee and talk to Anya. It was there she thought to send a text to Clarke. The date sat front and center all day (likely the cause of her work struggle) but thinking back to her original conversation with Anya and Clarke's enthusiasm for the exhibit pushed her to send the message.

Lexa felt foolish when Clarke did not respond but realized she likely did not have her phone on her at work. She finally received the response leaving her office. At least, the wait for the text pushed her nerves for tonight away slightly. Now the heart pounding was back in full force.

She left her apartment a few minutes later than planned. Raven had given her a full interrogation over the night and plans. Then she made Clarke change her necklace to a gold triangular piece which laid nicer on her grey dress. Raven approved of the booties though because apparently they "accentuate Clarke's calf muscles."

Traffic sucks, per TonDC usual, but she arrives at Lexa's address only ten minutes after 8. Her building was in the nice area of town. The place was simple yet elegant which fit Lexa. Clarke thankfully found a spot for ten minute parking as she did not wish to text Lexa informing of her arrival. She locates Lexa's button and buzzes up. A long moment passes before she hears Lexa's voice crackle a simple, "Hello," out of the speaker.
"Hi." Clarke responds. A beat passes so she adds, "Uh... I'm here."
"Oh, yes. Of course. I will be down in a minute." At least that's what Clarke believes she hears, the speaker was not the greatest.

Less than a minute later, the door opens and Clarke watches a perfectly sculpted, tan leg step over the threshold. The leg ends with simple black, peep toe heel. Clarke remembers the leg connects to a body when Lexa lightly clears her throat. At the sound, Clarke snaps her head up with a sheepish smile. Lexa's head is held in its normal proud position though her lips allow a slight gloating turn.

"Hello, Clarke."

Lexa looks impeccable as always. She wears high wasted leather shorts with a flowy white shirt. The sides of the shirt are higher than the front and back. Her necks entangled with a mixture of bulky and delicate necklaces. A single thin braid sits amongst natural, wavy hair. Lexa's eyes are adorned with the black wings Clarke has begun to associate with her.

Clarke realizes a moment too long had passed since Lexa spoke.
"Um... Hi," she says unable to keep the smile from her lips. Lexa loses the amused tone to her face as her eyes soften and she flashes Clarke a genuine smile.
"Ready?" Clarke asks.
"Oh, the night has more planned than to just look at each other on the steps?" Lexa jokes.
"Well, I'm appreciative of anytime I can spend looking at you." Clarke teases back but by the end of the sentence she begins to doubt her confidence. "I mean... I… you're just... Uh…"

She's grateful to Lexa for cutting her off with a laugh and a hand on Clarke's arm to guide her down the entrance steps.

When Clarke offered to drive, Lexa accepted with barely a second thought. Approaching her car, she realizes she cannot remember the last time she was in an actual car—not a taxi or driven by an Uber driver. She definitely cannot recall the last time in the front seat of a car. Her breath begins to quicken and she becomes very aware of her heart beat. Sweat coats her hand resting on the door handle. Thankfully, she does not need to immediately enter as Clarke still searches her bag for the keys continuously swearing at the tiny thing.

Lexa forces herself to stop thinking about the impending drive and rather watch Clarke. She traces the silhouette of her face and listens to the mumbling. When Clarke finally locates her keys, she gives a whoop of joy and meets her brilliant eyes with Lexa's.

The ride to Jaha allows for comfortable conversation just catching each other up on the past day. Lexa felt strange not seeing Clarke for one day. She cannot believe how short a time it has taken to become so use to the girls presence.

They pull up to the futuristic metal building with random windows and doors that slide open like a garage. Clarke finds a spot easily and turns to Lexa before shutting the car off.

"Are you okay?"
Lexa's bewildered. She thought the last 25 minutes went well.
"I do not know what you mean?"
Clarke points to Lexa's grip onto the door. "Your hand is still latched onto my door and your knuckles are white from the effort." After Clarke points it out, Lexa snatches the hand into her lap. "I might not be the greatest driver but I don't think I'm that bad."
Lexa releases an uncomfortable laugh. Everything's going amazing with Clarke. Clarke is amazing but this is really just their second date. She had not been prepared to reveal her past. Lexa swallows. As her mother says, either say it or do not. Do not stutter over the words trying to get around it.
"I was in a car accident a long time ago. I lost someone special to me. Her name was Costia. I was driving. I do not ride or drive much since." Lexa admits methodically.
"Oh! You should have told me… I didn't have to... I'm sorry!"
"No. It was time. My fears were weakness." Lexa stares straight ahead ensuring this time nothing hints to her emotions.
"I'm sorry. I feel I forced this." Clarke's head angles downwards as if studying the middle console intently.

Lexa waits a minute to speak. She wishes to ensure her voice will hold steady. Before saying another word though, Lexa reaches for Clarke's chin and lifts Clarke's eyes back to her.

"No one forces me to do anything. No apology is necessary." She pauses before adding, "Now, shall we go look at the art or just continue your favorite activity of staring at each other?" Lexa attempts to lighten the mood. The unveiling of her heart's scars had not been in the plans for tonight.
"Well, you know I do love that but... Art." Lexa's finger still presses lightly on Clarke's chin so she slides her hand up to move a stand of hair from Clarke's eyes. Clarke watches the movement closely and grabs Lexa's hand before it leaves her face.
"Just one last second to look?" Clarke pleads.
Lexa laughs and nods with faux solemnity. They remain in the car a bit longer before heading into the venue.

Chapter Text

Clarke was in her glory from the moment they enter the event. People walk through rooms of white decorate with black and white photos. The entire project was like going through a timeline. Though plenty of people were around, the rooms were barely filled with sound only hushed deliberation over the photos. The exhibit explored how all man is one. It follows the phases of life from birth to death to the next generation. The display integrated quotes with photography and paintings. The design was phenomenal.  Clarke's favorite was a quote from William Blake: "For mercy has a human heart, pity a human face... "

Everything was amazing. She turns to Lexa and shares her unabashed appreciation. Lexa whispers right into Clarke's ear with tickling breath, "There was no one else I wished to be with." Sometime between the first and second room her hand found itself connected with Lexa's. The photo of a group of people laughing at a movie entrances Clarke when she notices everyone staring at the screen except a single man lovingly watching the women next to him. All eyes remain to the front but she's the entertainment for him. In that moment, her hand locked with Lexa's, she turns to see Lexa's eyes only on her as if Clarke was the art.

They settle into a comfortable viewing of the project, Clarke studies the art and Lexa studies at her. The system works perfectly until the round the bend to the room of fathers. Clarke realizes what the section is quickly having already assumed it would be on the horizon after the mother section. She steels herself before even looking at the first photo pretending without actually seeing while stuck in her head. Lexa then squeezes her hand.

"Hey. Clarke. Where'd you go?" Clarke forgot Lexa's gaze remained on her from earlier.

After being honest with Clarke, Lexa admits she feels lighter. She finds herself able to be present with Clarke 100%, something she has not been able to do with anyone since Costia. Clarke contemplates the art with a face as unguarded as a child's. Sometimes the art delights her and causes a lift to her lips while others make her teeth smash together and presents a slight protruding of her jaw bone. Others bring a look of wide eyes and open mouthed smile, those are Lexa’s favorite. Lexa was even able to appreciate the few which cause weight to her face as her eyebrows shadow her shimmering eyes. One brings concern, though, when her eyes lose complete focus. Clarke acts as if she is still looking at the photos but the showing is weak after Lexa’s observance of her throughout the exhibit. Trying to figure out what happened, Lexa grips Clarke's hand a bit tighter. Oh. Yeah, hand holding. That may be the best part of the whole night.

Clarke's eyes slowly blink being drawn from the daze. Though she does not cover with a quick smile as Lexa has become accustomed, Clarke glances to Lexa and only offers a slight shake of the head before returning to the wall of fathers. Recognizing the room they are in pushes for a slight stirring in Lexa's mind. She feels she knows something but cannot grasp anything firmly. For some reason, the scene between Bellamy and Clarke at the bar floats to her mind.

Before she can truly ponder the thoughts, Lexa feels the hand held in her own go limp as she witnesses Clarke's face break. Lexa watches her attempt to take a deep breath and steady herself but it comes back out as a gasp. The sparkling blue eyes glaze over and she feels Clarke begin to pull away. Lexa takes a step closer and puts her free hand in the same spot on Clarke's cheek as earlier. Clarke's eyes have shut and her breath continues to stutter. Sweat begins beading on her face as she tightens her closed eyes. Lexa's thumb gently brushes Clarke's skin. Clarke's eyelids drag back and Lexa sees her effort to look at her. The small labored gasps continue as Clarke stares at her. They stand in the middle of the room with one of Lexa's hand on Clarke's cheek the other intertwined in Clarke's hand. Lexa quietly begins counting backwards from ten.

Clarke realizes her eyes glazed over the moment Lexa says something. She knows from Raven and Octavia how easy it is to spot when her face loses expression and she becomes lost her labyrinth of horrors. From experience, she knows she just needs to find something to focus on to keep her grounded. Lately, the mantra has been Lexa related so her presence makes coming out of the trance almost easy.

Before she is able to become comfortable with her Lexa mantra though, Clarke's eyes fall on the first photo. It is of a son being held by his father with a gun in hand. The father is obviously preparing to leave for war and in turn leave the child. The screaming child and the father's look of pure agony shatters Clarke's mantra and shocks her out of her head. All she can do is feel. All she feels is the shards in her heart. Clarke feels Lexa's grip tighten around her as she fails to move. Her breath refuses to go deeper than her throat and red begins leaking into her vision. Clarke attempts to excuse herself to the bathroom but words fail and rather Lexa takes a step closer.

She wants to run. She wants to curl in a ball. She wants to hold her head together and scream. She is going to die. She feels she is underwater. She hears every heartbeat in her ears. She feels the thudding will suffocate her. She cannot remember how to breathe. When was the last time she took a breath? She needs to go. She feels something brushing against her numb cheek. What is touching cheek? Why can she not tell what is touching her cheek? Oh. Her eyes are closed. She puts everything into forcing her eyes open. She is grateful for the endeavor because on the other side of darkness she is faced with Lexa's beauty. She still cannot force her lungs to cooperate. She realizes Lexa's lips are moving. She focuses past her pounding heart. She hears Lexa counting backwards. When Lexa hits one, she goes back to ten and starts again.

On the third time, Clarke mouths the numbers with her. On the forth, Clarke whispers the numbers. On the fifth, Clarke realizes she can breathe. On the sixth, she leans in and pushes her lips to Lexa's.

Chapter Text

Lexa's mouth still hangs slightly open from counting when Clarke's lips press upon her own. She jerks back startled by the sudden contact. Hurt immediately seeps into Clarke's expression as realization spreads through Lexa's body at lightning speed. Clarke steps back but Lexa follows moving both hands to Clarke's cheeks. She lays another kiss onto Clarke's pink lips. The kiss is delicate just skin to skin, closed mouth, no tongue. A child's storybook first kiss. Lexa begins to feel Clarke's want to deepen the kiss but no matter the fire Clarke set to her, she  remembers Clarke's state moments ago (not to mention where they are). One of Lexa's hands snakes around Clarke's waist to hold her near as she moves her head back.

Lexa's uncertain what to say but feels something should be uttered. Before anything comes to mind, Clarke just gives a small grin and shakes her head with eyes locked on Lexa's. No matter the questions begging to be asked about the panic attack and its trigger, Lexa knows then there is nothing to be said now of before. The moment has become Clarke's and hers. Clarke's eyes have not left hers and she begins to feel incredible exposed. Lexa ducks her head and is jolted back to reality.

They are together in the middle of a room in the middle of a crowded, exclusive art exhibit. When the emotions-mostly embarrassment at how she was swept away-reach her face, Clarke moves her hand to her mouth to suppress obviously budding laughter. Lexa steps back and separates all spots of contact with Clarke, who is still struggling to hold back the giggles. Lexa stands stiffly trying not to look around at the fellow patrons. Clarke just shakes her head and grabs hold of Lexa's hand pulling her towards the rest of the exhibit-never looking back at the emotional photo.

She had not planned to kiss Lexa in that moment. Maybe she had thought about kissing Lexa-okay, fine, she had definitely thought about kissing Lexa… a lot- and maybe even tonight but certainly not surrounded by people following a panic attack. It had happened, though. And who cared if the kiss was not the one of her day dreams? Lip to lip with Lexa was not overwhelming. It was not like drowning in Lexa as she thought. It was like the cool breeze on a hot day. The first drink of water after a long run. The gasp of air after drowning for so long. Clarke cannot get enough of the relief.

When Lexa pulls back to speak, Clarke stops her. She wants this moment to be theirs. No matter where it started. She's well aware of their surrounding but she could not care less about the art (and witnesses) when she can rest her eyes on Lexa. The moment pops when Lexa's startled out of their bubble. She looks so confused about everyone around, Clarke struggles to keep down her laughter. Lexa's loses all the freedom of their kiss and returns to standing at attention. Clarke gives up hiding her reaction and just grabs Lexa's hand to continue to the next area of photographs.

They reach the photo before the final room with sweaty hands but neither have thought of releasing their intertwined fingers. Staring at the largest photo of the exhibit, Clarke's eyes shut unwilling to process what humanity had previously done. She wants to move along to the final room, the next generation, the continuation of life. She nearly pulls Lexa when she feels a tightness in Lexa's grip. Clarke turns towards her and away from the mushroom cloud result of the Atomic Bomb.

Lexa stands in her normal, tense pose but tears clearly shimmer in front of faraway eyes. The conflict and horror contort her often stoic mask showing her cheek bones prominently. Clarke stays silent by Lexa's side and allows her all the time she needs to glare at the photo. After a few minutes with the tears still sitting on the sill of her eyes, Lexa releases clipped speech, "They were people."

Clarke has no response so she holds Lexa's hand tighter.

"Who could annihilate people? They could have killed the world." Lexa's voice holds a ferocity sharper than Clarke had heard from her-more so even than towards their date's intruder. "How can that be peace?" Lexa continues, her final words nearly spit at the photo.

"It's not," is all Clarke can think to reply. She knows the questions were rhetorical but wants Lexa to know the anger stewing in her as well. Lexa continues to give the photo a death stare and with a last grimace spins to Clarke asking "Ready for the final room?"

Lexa knew the Family of Man stemmed from the artists study into World War 2 and revolved around its course yet failed to expect that photo. The photo which could just look like a neat cloud if one did not know better. The photo showing a manmade creation which could end the entire world. A bomb which could which did change the course of history. The weapon may have brought peace, but at what cost? Lexa becomes so lost in humanity's inhumanity she forgets to watch Clarke. All she can do is stare at the photo and bite her cheek to prevent tears from spilling over.

Lexa has no idea the time length for which she has contemplated the photo when she notices a movement of blonde in her view and notices Clarke shifting her weight from side to side. Unable to rip her eyes from the photo, Lexa still wants to acknowledge Clarke. But so much anger and so many ideas run through her mind, she struggles with normal speech. Everything comes out choppy as if English was not her first language. Everything in her mind has become blurred by the intense anger in her chest which she just wants to find a release. People are people so these people are her people.

Lexa does not even know what she is spewing to Clarke. She wants to talk to the creators of the killing machine. She needs to know their thoughts and how they imagined the world if nuclear war happened. Although she is uncertain of the words, letting them out takes off much of the pressure in Lexa's chest. A few moments after she stops ranting, she hears Clarke sigh out, "It's not."

Lexa's grateful she's not alone in the fury the photo created. Breath comes to her again and she can be with Clarke. They are almost to the end but not yet there. The artist did not leave them to reenter the world with hopelessness in the air. She allows her mind to move past the unanswerable questions and return to the present. She gives the artist credit for the emotions provoked by the large image and prepares to finish, inquiring if Clarke is ready as well.

The final rooms brings joy with photos of the future generation. The generation who did not create the atomic bomb but were given responsibility over it. The generation with a choice to never use a weapon of such devastation again. Lexa cannot move her eyes fast enough to experience of the photos and Clarke's reactions of delight to the photos. She finally gives up on the photos and just enjoys the bliss of Clarke's face. She looks so immaculate with the small grin and engaged look Lexa does not even recognize her own movements until she recognizes the pressure on her lips from earlier.

Clarke feels a sense of hope the second she enters the last area of the exhibit. Human's resiliency provokes a strong sense of pride. Looking at the photos of children's joy, offers Clarke a remembrance of the future she still has. No matter the past, she still can choose happiness. Clarke's caught up in the photos when all of a sudden she can only see Lexa's eyes and feel Lexa's lips. She automatically leans into the kiss while closing her eyes. Lexa's lips falter slightly as if Clarke was the one to plant her mouth on Lexa but Lexa continues with a slight turn of her head.

This time, their lips move refusing to sit passively against familiar contact. Lexa's hand sits on the small of Clarke's back and Clarke's hand has found its way into Lexa's effortless waves. The kiss lasts less than a minute but when they separate all Clarke can feel is the electricity buzzing through her lips. The feeling of Lexa on her is relentless. Rather than embarrassment, Lexa's face holds its typical tilt of pride. Lexa slides her hand from Clarke's back to Clarke's hand in a graceful movement. "Ready?" Lexa simply asks.

Clarke continues to watch Lexa in wonder entranced by the spark she can bring to the room. Lexa assumes the silence as agreement and leads back to the car. Clarke can feel the same tightness in her grip as with the atomic bomb photo when they near to the vehicle. Clarke sneaks a peek at Lexa but in place of the expected drawn appearance from the prior ride she sees grim determination. Lexa's chin continues to hold the confident angle. Lexa guides her to the driver's door and opens it for her. Humor flashes through Clarke's mind but the only true feeling she holds toward Lexa is pride.

Clarke pauses a moment before stepping towards the opening. She fixates on everything Lexa is as she holds the door trying to memorizing everything in that moment. Lexa gives her a perplexed eye brow raise—unable to appreciate her own strength. Clarke places a kiss on Lexa's cheek and offers a hushed, "Thank you," before climbing in.

The drive home unfolds to an air of silence both lost in thought, though, the clasp of their hands never loosens. Clarke pulls into the lucky spot in front of Lexa's complex but does not release Lexa's hand. She faces Lexa who sits waiting.

Clarke gathers her rehearsed thoughts of the ride before speaking. She stares into Lexa's eyes trying to ensure her honesty is transparent in her words. "You said earlier fear is weakness but you were wrong. The fear itself is not weakness. Weakness comes from allowing that fear to be all consuming. You rode in my car. Your fear is not weakness. You are not weak." Lexa's eyes soften, though never shy away from Clarke's throughout her speech. At the end, Lexa nods wordlessly. She quickly gazes toward the car ceiling and pushed her lips together in an apparent attempt to suppress her emotions.

Staring out the front windshield having regained control, Lexa whispers, "Thank you." There's a slight pause before she continues with "For tonight." Another pause, "And driving." One more pause, "Just, thanks."

Clarke nods. "Anything for you… because you supplied the tickets to the most exclusive art in town. I mean why else would I… yeah." Clarke presents a small smile to end her rambling effort at mood lightening.

Lexa looks back towards her and provides a formal, "Good night, Clarke," though softness remains in her eyes. She opens the door, stepping out.

Once closed, Clarke rolls down the window yelling out, "Thank you for an incredible night!"

Lexa turns back with a small smile playing on her lips. "Anything for you." Clarke simply bows her head in pretend bashfulness and rolls the window back up.

Clarke is still riding a high while parking her car beneath her building. She practically skips to her door though she fumbles slightly with the lock. After a bit jostling, she finally opens the door. Turning to put down her bag, she sees the kitchen light. Finishing with her stuff, she calls out to Raven, "You know we really need to get the Landlord to fix that dang lock!" She spins back to walk into the kitchen, continuing hollering about the lock when she's startled by a larger figure on the couch.

"I've been waiting for you, Clarke," She hears him say.

Chapter Text

Clarke jumps a bit at the deep voice and bangs her knee into the corner table but tries to cover with a smooth "hha...hi."

He ducks his head to hide a smirk, "Sorry, I thought you saw me." Bellamy heads towards Clarke pulling her into a hug. She relaxes into his arms barely aware of her throbbing leg. He pulls back and holds her at arm's length. "The phone screen does you no justice."

Clarke shakes him off with a laugh. "'Yeah, well..." She shuts her mouth before finishing the sentence and starting an argument. Her head is screaming, "It's your choice to be so far away" but, instead, she continues with "Is Raven home?" 

"She headed out a bit ago. Something about a loose carburetor?" Bellamy answers without much certainty. He rushes on before Clarke can speak, "I came over to talk to you."

Clarke raises her eyebrow, "Too important to wait for family dinner Sunday?"

"I, uh… actually wanted it to be said before we were with everyone." Bellamy appears uncomfortable in her living room. Clarke hates it because it is just another thing lost last year. She nods but otherwise stands silent not knowing how Bellamy plans to continue. He runs his hand through his (lack of) hair. He can't seem to get rid of his habit of pushing it back. "Uh... Can we take a walk?" he gestures to the door requesting to take the conversation on the road.

Clarke nods and walks to the door without waiting. She thinks she hears a sigh as he follows behind her. After locking up the apartment, they begin the stroll along a dark city road. Neither have spoken since his suggestion of the walk. "Sooo" she stretches attempting to get out whatever is on his mind.

He appears to be wrestling with something but, eventually, blurts out, "I miss you."

Clarke stops and her eye brows furrow. "I don't understand why that needs a whole walk and talk? We discussed missing each other a few nights ago."

"No. I miss talking to you." Bellamy says venturing further into the full reason behind the conversation.

Clarke begins understanding but hopes to be wrong. She takes a shot in a different direction than the one she believes he is heading, "You left. Talking's hard when I don't even know where you are most the time. And we talk on the phone. Even see each other on the phone."

Bellamy shakes his head trying to find the words to explain. Clarke knows she was right about where the talk is headed. She already wants to sprint home. He finally appears to be able to voice his thought, “We talk but you say nothing. I may be the one who joined the army but I'm still available. You're the one who never actually talks to me. We were both there, Clarke. I know he was your dad but I lost him, too. O did, too."

Clarke takes her first direct look at him since the walk began. He gazes across the street with shining eyes but the tears are nowhere near falling. She cannot remember the last time someone was honest with her. When someone did not just treat her as a poorly, glued together porcelain doll.

"I," she realizes she does not know what bullshit excuse she plans to spit out so she just closes her mouth. How could she tell him as long as she focuses on the trivial with him, she can keep the ghost of her father away? How could she tell him because they faced it together, she only sees her father's blood when looking at him? Talking about it would be like being in that alley again.  Bellamy stares at her expectantly. It is Clarke's turn to gaze across the street. The truth will help no one but she knows denial will fail. "I…I'm sorry. You're right."

Bellamy looks exasperated but not surprised. She has avoided these conversations before but the previous ones had all been over the phone. "I'm not looking to be told I'm right, Clarke. There's a reason and I just want to make sure you're doing okay."

Clarke lets out a low chuckle. "Okay?" she repeats back to him enunciating the syllables in an attempt to process the word. She thinks she is doing okay but how is someone okay after everything last year? Lexa pops into her mind. She has been the first thing to make her feel normal again. But does that make her okay or not okay?

"I mean… just I'm here, Clarke. I'm here and I may not understand fully but I was," Bellamy pauses the same glaze going over his eyes Clarke knows personally. But unlike her, he pushes himself to continue, "I was there. I remember the fear and living nightmare. I don't know anyone else who… well, asides from Abby, I guess. But I'm here and I will listen."

"Thank you" she responds uncertain how else to reply. Maybe he understands best but shouldn't that make him understand why she can't?

Bellamy falters slightly after her thank you. He appears frustrated with how much she still holds back. She wishes she could explain more but she does not want to add to his pain. After a few minutes, he lets out a low, simple, "I miss you."

Clarke smiles and tries to joke with him, "You said that already, Bell. Getting a bit senile in your old age?"

"No." Bellamy nearly growls at her. Clarke takes a slight step back puzzled by his harsh response. He never takes insult to her old man jokes.

"No." This time he continues, "You do not get to flash a smile and pretend everything's fine, Clarke. You quit medical school. You got a job at a gallery, which is great if that's what makes you happy, but you were the one who wanted to save lives. You were the one happy being an artist in your free time. You made the choice of becoming a doctor. I may have run, Clarke, but you're still running."

All Clarke can feel is heat. She barely could hear Bellamy by the end. She is shocked she is not screaming or crying or in the fetal position on the pavement. Medical school sits in a tight box in the corner of her mind. Next to Finn and her father. Did she want to save lives? Of course. But she could not save two of the most important people in her life, how could she ever save anyone? She shoves the thoughts back into their rightful box, she needs to focus on escaping. Clarke turns about to run when she feels Bellamy's hand on her arm. It grounds her enough to look at him.

His eyes are still shining but they are filled with determination. "They're gone but I'm here, Clarke."

She has no response for him but he knows. He watches her. "Bell." She whispers with no intent more than the familiarity of his name. He offers a small smile and steps closer to her but does not make the first move to touch her. Clarke closes the gap and wraps her arms around him. "Thanks."

"Anytime, princess." The nickname brings no pain coming from his mouth.

Chapter Text

Clarke returns to her apartment on autopilot. She wants Lexa but knows the clock sits near one. She does not even know if their relationship is there yet. She does not know if there even is a relationship. Though, Lexa allowed Clarke a glimpse into her past today. She does not want to analyze their relationship—she just wants Lexa.

Instead, she does the same thing she does every time the chasm in her chest swallows her heart. She grabs her keys, gets in her car, and heads to the Ark.

Monty looks resigned but not surprised when she takes her regular seat in her regular hunched position. All he says before handing her her regular whisky is, "Been awhile." So many thoughts crash in her skull, Clarke cannot even pull her eyes away from the regular wooden bar to acknowledge him.

Why couldn't she save them? How can she not try to save others? Lexa. Should she go back to med school? Can she go back to med school? Why couldn't she save them? Does she want to focus on just art? Lexa. Is she just surviving? Lexa. Why couldn't she save them?

Her thoughts fire in all directions never slowing to allow an actual answer. Instead, she revels in the burn of the whisky sliding down her throat. She is grateful Monty knows to bring another without request. Bellamy's conversation forced boxes open and she needs to numb them closed again.

Lexa walks into her apartment at 12:02 AM and an overwhelming exhaustion settles over her. All she wants is her bed and warm comforter. Moments later, her clothes are off and her now clean face is shoved into a pillow.

She believes it to be morning when she awakes to her phone vibrating. Grabbing it off the dresser, she sees more than a few texts from Clarke—and that it's 1:34 AM.

Right after she had fallen soundly asleep Clarke sent:

(12:30 AM) C: Thank you for the art tonight. It meant a lot. I loved experiencing it with you.

Lexa's heart thumps loudly and she smiles at the text. The rest of the texts were sent later.

(1:16 AM) C: I'm tired of running

(1:25 AM) C: Being weak
(1:25 AM) C: You're Stronger
(1:26 AM) C: Beautifuler too

(1:34 AM) C: You nake me fell normal

By the end, Lexa's smile slid into a worried frown. Something happened in the open time between the first and second texts. Lexa sees the three dots indicating Clarke's typing. She wants to respond before Clarke says anything more.

(1:35 AM) L: And thats a good thing?

Right as she hits send, Clarke's message blips through.

(1:35 AM) C: In sorry your asleep aweet dreams Lexa
(1:35 AM) L: No you're fine. I'm awake. Where are you Clarke?

By the time Lexa sees Clarke's next message pop up, she already had her clothes back on and is shoving her bare feet into combat boots.

(1:37 AM) C: Yes. Ark

Lexa's grateful Clarke has enough sense left to type the three letters. Better yet, Lexa can be there in less than 5 minutes. She sees three dots appear but texts back while running down the stairs.

(1:37 AM) L: I'm coming to pick you up

The next text comes as Lexa runs on the sidewalk nearing Grounders.

(1:39 AM) C: Hey Lexa. It's Raven. O and I are with Clarke. We'll make sure she gets home safe and awakens to water and aspirin.

Lexa comes to a complete stop. She's uncertain what to do. She already stands on the sidewalk next to Grounders, almost to the Ark. She wants to check on Clarke but, at the same time, they have not been together that long. If they even are together. They have been on one official date and out to drinks. But she knows how she feels about Clarke. She knows how she feels kissing Clarke. But Clarke never shared what brought on the panic attack tonight. Thinking about it, Lexa realizes she knows nothing of Clarke's past.

While lost in thought deliberating her next move, Lexa sees the door to the Ark swing open. Lexa watches Clarke be lead with her arm looped around Octavia's neck. She makes no decision and remains in her spot. Clarke's head and shoulders droops towards the floor and Lexa worries she drank herself unconscious. Her heart sinks when she realizes Clarke's positions results from lost hope.

Clarke stumbles over the small stoop and Lexa takes a reflexive step to help but Raven grabs Clarke's other arm to keep her upright. Clarke lifts her head slightly and Lexa sees her mouth moving without stop. Octavia and Raven's appear to offer soothing words. The two's actions seem almost routine.

Lexa strains to hear Clarke's words as they near her. She realizes she missed the opportunity to show herself and slips deeper into the shadow of Grounders' entrance. The group walks on the edge of the sidewalk by the road so Lexa remains unseen as they pass her. She still makes out Clarke's words, "them. I couldn't save them. I couldn't save them…"

Clarke wakes up to aspirin and water next to her pounding head (as Raven promised). She groans and chugs. Her phone vibrates showing texts from Lexa, O, Bell, and her mom. She opens Lexa's first.

(10:02 AM) L: Hey! I just want to make sure you are okay. And to thank you for a great time last night.

Clarke has no clue why Lexa thinks she wouldn't be okay. Then, she scrolls up. Her head aches as she groans louder.

Chapter Text

"You're gonna make us late!" Clarke hears Raven holler at her from the front door. She wishes to call back a snarky comment but she's lost in memories. She sits on the edge of her bed thinking back to the last true family dinner. Ever since she was a kid, Sunday dinners were a thing. Everyone was welcome and dinner lasted hours. They laughed so hard she almost peed her pants multiple times those nights. After her dad died, her mom continued the tradition and though she never ran from her seat to the bathroom, the nights were often bright spots in her months of numbness. It was over a year at this point since everyone gathered around the table. She fast forwards her mind to a month later-the last family dinner before Bellamy went to training. She barely sees through the fog but remembers how everyone lingered after, not wanting to say final goodbyes. Even though there were two empty chairs at the dining room table, that Sunday dinner was not a somber night. Everyone wanted to give Bellamy a great last memory together.

"Clarke! Did you hear me?" Raven's tone softens as she pokes her head in Clarke's room and sees Clarke sitting on the bed just staring at her hands.

Clarke raises her head with teary eyes and a small smile. She takes a few moments to formulate her words and Raven's face begins to mirror Clarke's. After Clarke doesn't move, Raven takes a few steps into the room. Before she reaches the bed, Clarke whispers, "We had some good times. Didn't we?"

Raven takes a deep breath and shifts all her weight to her good leg. She glances away from Clarke and her eyes catch on something. Clarke follows her gaze and lands on a photo of her, Raven, Finn, Bellamy and Octavia. It had been snapped at the beach the day after high school graduation. Finn wasn't even looking at the camera. He was grinning at her and she had on an innocent smile holding no inhibitions or hints of pain. Raven sat on Bellamy's shoulders and Octavia's arm was slung around his back. They were happy. They had their lives in front of them. They had each other. Tears well at her own naivety. Raven turns away from the photo and back to Clarke. She swallows a lump and gives her a smile. "Yeah, Clarke, we did. Now, let's go have some more." Raven reaches down to grab Clarke's hand and yank her up.

"You're late!" Octavia hollers at Clarke before running to throw her arms around her. She hadn't even made it a step through the door before Octavia's attack. Even though her honeymoon had only been a week, Clarke feels like she hasn't seen Octavia in months.

"I missed you, too," Clarke responds squeezing her tight before Octavia moves on to Raven and Clarke's engulfed by Lincoln. The next in line is Bellamy and his hug feels more meaningful than a hello. After releasing, he gives her an expecting look but she moves on to the women in the kitchen doorway.

"Hi, Mom," Clarke says into Abby's shoulder as her Mom holds her close. She loves her mom. There's never been any doubt about it but ever since that night, being around her always makes the weight in her heart a few pounds heavier.

Her Mom leans back and holds Clarke's face in her hands. Her Mom examines her face for some time before nodding as if Clarke somehow passed a test. "How's my favorite kid?" Abby asks. Clarke ducks her head and debates the answer. She looks back up giving a smile just for her mom. Clarke moves further into the kitchen allowing for Abby to greet her actual favorite daughter―Raven.

"What's for dinner?" Bellamy yells over the hubbub of greetings. That gets everyone moving into the kitchen and living room. Lincoln and Clarke help Abby finish prepping while the rest goof off in the living room. Clarke stifles a giggle toward Bellamy gagging as Octavia alludes to night time activities on her honeymoon. Before she knows it, the group's gathered around the dining room table passing dishes.

Once the battle for food dies down, Abby gets everyone's attention. She raises her glass in a toast as she has every family dinner. "We celebrate two things at tonight's dinner: Octavia and Lincoln's union and Bellamy's short return. To the couples happily ever after and to Bellamy's safety while protecting our country." Abby pauses for a moment and stares at the empty chair opposite her before continuing with her traditional quote, "To the health and joy of all present and the peace of those not." As Abby sits, she grabs a tight hold on Clarke's hand. Clarke gives her mom a small nod of appreciation before reaching for her fork and food.

The rest of the time around the table goes by in typical Family Dinner fashion. Octavia talks more about the honeymoon (though no more about what happened after sundown) and doing something extreme. Abby shoots her looks of disdain which Octavia happily ignores. Raven talks about blowing something up but gets way too technical. Bellamy interrupts her to inform her of a better way to arm the bomb and they bicker. Lincoln shows off some of his sketches from hikes. Clarke's the only one who appreciates them as everyone else cheers on Octavia hanging a spoon off her nose. No matter the squabbles, everyone's in good spirits and it's almost like before. Clarke laughs often though it once catches in her throat when she looks towards the empty spots. She covers it with coughing but everyone knows. Everyone also knows to allow her to recover alone.

Clarke's drying the dishes as Lincoln washes when she hears her phone buzz. She's fairly certain the text is from Lexa because everyone else she texts sits in the adjacent room. She puts down the dried plate and unlocks her phone. There sits a new text from Lexa:

(8:15 PM) L: Hey! I just wanted to check you are still coming over at 9
(8:18 PM) C: I'll be there :)

Clarke reads back through the texts from the day before when she struggled to even get out of bed.

(10:02 AM) L: Hey! I just want to make sure you are okay. And thank you for a great time last night.
(11:16 AM) C: Hey… Sorry about the texts.
(11:16 AM) C: I had a great time too
(11:18 AM) L: Do you want to talk about it?

(12:32 AM) L: I am sorry. I did not mean to push. I just want you to be happy.

(01:03 PM) C: No no I'm sorry. I fell back asleep. Um.. Not over text
(01:04 PM) C: But I want to
(01:05 PM) L: Oh, it is okay.
(01:05 PM) L: I have to work today but maybe we could do something tomorrow?
(01:06 PM) C: I have a dinner tomorrow but after? Like 9?
(01:08 PM) L: Sounds like a plan.

Lincoln grunts making Clarke peek up from the conversation and realize he had been watching her the whole time. She knows a small smile plays on her lips but doesn't hide it―Lexa's texts show how much she cares and are what pushed her to want to talk. She hadn't had a bad night like Friday in a while. She usually never texts anyone while in her drunken state. She thinks her and Lexa are something but doubts they can become more without her being honest. She wants to heal and maybe talking to someone Lexa about it will help.

She flicks the drying towel at Lincoln causing him to give her a nod before returning to the dish in his hand. Clarke glances toward the living room to see Raven and Abby gossiping together. Her Mom looks her way but snaps her head back towards Raven when she sees Clarke staring back. Clarke raises an eyebrow towards a now angelic looking Raven. She shakes her head laughing and returns to drying.

Everyone's gathering up but Clarke's the first to make her way to the door (Raven's catching a ride with Bellamy home). Good byes take the typical 20 minutes and she's almost outside when she feels a hand on her arm. Clarke turns to see her mom watching her with a smile. Clarke raises an eyebrow. Her mom whispers, "So Raven mentioned I should ask you about who you were texting?"

Clarke can't even shoot Raven a death stare due to her position so she just swallows the glare and thinks through what to share (and payback for Raven when she gets home). Clarke decides honesty works best though maybe not everything. "Her names Lexa. We went on a date to an art gallery. I don't know what we are but.." She tapers off for a moment considering her final words. "She's good for me."

Her Mom gives no response just wrapping Clarke into a smothering hug. "I need to go, Mom," Clarke mumbles into her shoulder.

Her Mom releases and smoothes Clarke's hair. As Clarke turns to leave, her Mom shoots out, "I love you."

Clarke looks back over her should and declares, "I love you, too."

"You're right on time," Lexa blurts out before the doors fully open.

Clarke smiles at Lexa's eagerness and responds, "That would be the first time today."

Chapter Text

All Clarke can think is how badly she wants a drink. What'd she think coming here? She was just going to tell Lexa all her problems and they'd go away? And Lexa would still look at her the same way? She doesn't even know where to start and it adds up to making Clarke thirsty. They've been sitting on Lexa's couch for the past twenty minutes, not touching but close enough for Clarke to feel the heat radiating from Lexa. The first ten were joking around and small talk but the last ten have been tense silence with Lexa looking at her expectantly and Clarke staring at her hands. She hears Lexa clear her throat and glances up. Lexa's beauty always startles Clarke. The regality in her smallest actions such as the tilt of her head. Clarke breaks the silence, "You're beautiful."

Clarke sees a splotch of red appear on her neck and Lexa's mouth offers a small twitch. "Clarke," is all Lexa responds with in a tone saying that's not what Clarke is supposed to be saying.

"I'm sorry. I just, well… for once, I don't know what to say. Where to start.. How to start," Clarke knows she's rambling but there's just so much and once it's on the table Lexa will never look at her the same. Never see her without seeing the death toll following her. Lexa remains silent allowing Clarke to process more. Clarke admits, "I don't want your pity." It is all Clarke manages to form into a complete enough phrase to say aloud.

"Pity would be me just looking at your surface, Clarke, I know the strength in your heart. I would. No. I could not pity you ever," Lexa

Clarke tries to hide her burst of laughter. "Did you read that on a tumblr post?"

Lexa looks slightly bewildered then steels her face realizing Clarke's teasing. "I thought it was deep." Lexa's lip goes out as Clarke settles her giggles.

"You're pouting, Lexa." At this point, the two have turned to face each other sitting cross legged. Lexa gives Clarke a glare but Clarke knows it's about more than her joke. She came here to be honest with Lexa. Clarke takes a deep breath and stares over Lexa's shoulder. "I guess I'll just start from the beginning." Lexa's glare softens and she nods encouragingly.

"Finn." Clarke's proud of herself for how smooth his name comes off her tongue. No longer a stuttered mess. She got through one word, now onto a couple hundred more.

"He was my boyfriend from the end of high school through college into the start of medical school. He was a cop and he… he just wanted to keep everyone safe. He was good."

Clarke's transported back to his graduation from the police academy. He stood so tall. Everyone was there, Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Lincoln. Everyone watched him proudly receive his badge and it just felt so right. Clarke feels a hesitant touch to her arm. She looks up, brought back to the present. Brought back to Lexa.

"He sounds great."

Clarke simply nods. She already feels the pressure in her eyes but she doesn't resist it. She knows to truly have this conversation, her eyes won't remain dry. She can tell Lexa's uncertain if she should touch her. Clarke moves to lean her head on Lexa giving Lexa the confidence to wrap her arms around Clarke.

"All he wanted was to help people but it became too much. He became paranoid. He just wanted everyone to be safe but after seeing one too many bad outcomes, he started to just be scared all the time. So scared. Scared for me especially." Clarke thinks back to how crazed he looked when a guy simply bumped into her. She had to hold him back and whisper in his ear before he released the guys shirt. She should have known. She shuts out the memory and returns to the couch with Lexa.

"I should have realized. I should have done something but I just started med school. I was crazy busy and he was still the perfect boyfriend. I just didn't realize the horrors going on in his head. Right after winter break, I got a call. Raven…they were each other's family since growing up…Rav..Raven called. He had been so scared. So lost. Raven called and said. Raven said."

Clarke's speech slows but she can't stop tripping over words. Lexa rubs her arm and runs a hand through her hair. Clarke appreciates Lexa's patience. Others at this point jump in and try to finish but Clarke just needs time to get everything out. She swallows and collects herself to try again. She steels out the memories and states it methodically.

"Finn shot himself."

Clarke feels a shudder rock her entire body. She can't hold the sob that escapes as she thinks back to the night of Raven's call. Lexa just pulls her closer lightly quieting her. They sit like that for a while. Lexa holding her tightly while running a hand through her hair and Clarke just staring overwhelmed by memories. Maybe minutes later. Maybe a day later, Clarke feels Lexa press a kiss to her curls and whisper so quietly she's unsure she hears "Thank you, Clarke."

Clarke turns her head to look into Lexa's eyes for the first time since she began speaking.

"I wish that was the end."

Lexa is unsure if touching Clarke would comfort her or make it worse so she's grateful when Clarke makes the first move. Lexa's heart breaks while Clarke tells the story and she's thankful for the contact as well. She's grateful Clarke's head lays on her shoulder unable to see her face because tears flowed silently down her cheeks almost the entire time. She cares for Clarke and hates imagining her suffering like she did after Costia.

Lexa thinks she understands. Clarke broke down at the photo of the soldier because Finn was a cop. She wishes she could tell Clarke she gets the pain but she knows from experience that's the worst thing to hear. It doesn't matter that she lost her first love too. Everyone's pain is different. Everyone's healing is different.

After Clarke finishes the story of Finn, Lexa's prepared to sit with her all night. She knows Clarke's not with her anymore so she presses her lips to the back of Clarke's head as a reminder she's there. She also whispers uncertain if Clarke would even hear her appreciation for Clarke opening up to her. Lexa's unprepared when Clarke turns to her. At least, her tears dried a bit before Clarke looks at her face. Lexa thought she understood Clarke's suffering until she heard Clarke utter the unimaginable words that Finn was not the only source her pain flowed from.

Lexa's shock and concern must radiate off her face for Clarke offers a small smile. "It's been a hard few of years," she tells Lexa much lighter than Lexa could have managed. Lexa nods brushing some stray strands of blonde from Clarke's eyes.

"If you are not ready to share, I understand." Lexa tries to express how much she understood Clarke's pain without an ounce of pity. She could never think Clarke would need her pity. She was uncertain if she had ever met a stronger woman.

"After Finn, I went home for the semester. I planned to return for spring but knew I was useless at school. I needed my family. I needed my friends."

Lexa watches Clarke's eyes glaze over.

Chapter Text

Since the talk began, Lexa and Clarke shifted from face to face to her head burrowed into Lexa's shoulder with knees tucked on Lexa's lap. Now that she has started talking, there's a pressure in her throat to get everything out. Although Lexa offers to stop for the night, she needs her to know. She's so tired of bearing the pain alone. The dead escaped their boxes and their stories are furrowing in her mind, clawing to be released. Focusing on the mindless finger making designs on her legs, Clarke closes her eyes and allows herself to be transported back.

"After Finn, I went home for the semester. I was useless at school but planned to return for spring. I needed my family. I needed my friends." That was the easy part of the story. Clarke returned home broken but her family and friends patched her up. Anytime the thought of him overwhelmed her, she could turn to Raven or Octavia or even Bellamy. They always knew if it was a day to hold her close and tell her everything would be okay or slap her upside the head and tell her to buck up. They made sure she ate, drank, and got enough sunlight. While lost, she believed there was still hope for a day she felt whole again.

Clarke prepares to dive into the real stuff. She allows the weight in her chest to pull her down. She sinks with it and tries to feel nothing before continuing. God, could she use a drink. Just flipping her mind to that night, she knows her attempt at numbness failed. She shudders in a breath and appreciates Lexa's hand rubbing her arm as her thumb moving in circles. "We went to dinner. Bellamy, my mom, and my dad took me to dinner a few nights before I left for spring semester. It was nice. Bellamy and my dad wore ties. They wanted to make the night special just to be special. We all drank wine and ate too much. Then ate some more. It felt normal." Clarke knows she's rambling. She knows these parts don't matter but she feels like if her mind sticks to how good the beginning was, the bad didn't happen. But the happy parts end and real life took over. Lexa smooths her hair and gives her a patient nod.

"We left the restaurant and there sounded like a cry from the side alley. My mom and dad went to check it out. It seemed to be a guy was hurt so my mom, being her typical doctor self, went to help. My dad tried to stop her but when duty calls, she's determined. My dad followed but told Bellamy and I to stay." Clarke can see the scene in her mind. The dark alley with a dumpster and pile of boxes right next to the restaurant. The acrid smell of the few days old food rotting in the trash. The guy, barely visible leaning against the wall, moaning in the blackness. Abby walking with her hero complex to his rescue and her Dad's quick jog to catch up.

"My mom leaned down to check the injury the guy's hands hid over. Suddenly, the guy jumped up and knocked her over. My dad took a step forward to defend my mom when the guy shows the gun in his hands. I felt like I was underwater. Everything fragmented with a whirring in my ear. I couldn't move. The guy starts whispering so not to attract attention. I can't hear him but I get it when my dad removes his watch. The guy turns his gun down to my mom for her purse. Then things go bad. My dad makes too quick a motion into his pocket and startles the guy. He whips the gun up then it goes off. The guy sprints down the other end of the alley." Clarke knows she just recited the report she gave to the police. Everything logical and with almost no emotion. She knows there's more to tell. More to the story that can't be told with a monotone voice. The parts after the scream that still wakes her at night.

"That's when I hear a screech. My mom. It's only then that I realized the gun shot hit my dad. I grab Bellamy's arm and dragged him into the alley. The blood was everywhere."

Clarke realizes she lost herself in the pool of dark red and minutes of silence have passed. She forces her eyes open and looks up at Lexa. Tears roll silently down Lexa's cheeks and Clarke lifts her thumb to dry them. Lexa looks at her with a guilty expression as Clarke swallows back her own tears and ragged breaths. Lexa opens her mouth and begins an "I'm so…" but Clarke covers her lips to stop the apology. Clarke allows the silence to engulf them as she calms her breathing.

Clarke's mind begins yelling at her that the stories not finished so she gulps and continues, "My mom had ripped my dad's tie and was stuffing it in the bullet hole. Bellamy was calling 911. I stared into my dad's eyes as the light of my world flickered off. I held his hand and all I could think was how my dad's tie was ruined."

Clarke knows if she stops again, she's done. The clawing in her mind has moved to her throat. Once silence settles, the sobs will not be held at bay so she soldiers on.

"My heart broke that night and I continued to drown in the blood for months. Everything was blurry. I have one moment of clarity. At the funeral. I saw him in the casket and suddenly was on the ground. I could feel arms on me within second. O and Raven. But then the red fog came back. They were my saviors. When I came out of it, two months passed. I don't even think I changed my own socks."

Clarke pauses. She realizes she's never told anyone this. Everyone around her just knew. Everyone's eyes filled with pity before she even knew they knew. She licks her lips preparing to continue. Sometime during the story, Lexa's hands had taken her own. Her thumbs made patterns on Clarke's palm. Her eyes watched with no judgement.

"When I came back to the real world, Bell had joined the military and O was engaged. I knew I couldn't return to school. The sight of blood floods me with memories of the pool on my dad's chest and the utter helplessness to stop it. Raven suggested I move in with her and find a job in the city. That's why I'm in TonDC at a gallery and not medical school. So that's now." Clarke knows only bandages covered her shredded heart which results in leaking blood still pulling her under sometimes. Releasing her pain with Lexa feels like stitching replaced the bandages tonight. Maybe not pretty. Probably still scarred. But definitely better. Now that the stories done, all Clarke feels is exhaustion flowing through her veins. She can't even lift her head to look at Lexa's face.

Lexa wasn't prepared. She thought she knew. She thought she knew Clarke was a little broken. How Clarke continues, Lexa doesn't know. Lexa knows how to be stone on the surface. Knows how to inhale-exhale and focus her mind into silence. If she lost all Clarke lost, she doesn't think her counting and deep breathing would do a damn to help her. She thinks back to their first meetings and the want need to know the girl with golden hair exuding joy. How even after everything, Clarke was still good. Clarke's blonde head still leans heavy on her shoulder with small sobs still ripping through the girl. Lexa's hands rub circles on her back trying to take away any pain Clarke releases.

Lexa feels something build in her chest. An anger shredding at her heart demanding to be released. How the world could be so cruel to a girl so pure. All Lexa wants to do is punch and scream but she looks down at Clarke, the girl laying bare in her arms. Clarke was willing to be vulnerable enough to break apart in front of her and Lexa knows destruction must wait. Lexa locks the beast in her chest and pulls Clarke closer. As she brings the blonde in, Clarke releases a wet sigh. Not in content but showing awareness to Lexa's comfort. Lexa refuses to allow her fury to rain down on Clarke. Lexa keeps her arm tight around Clarke until she realizes many minutes have passed since whimpers found her ears. She risks a peek down at the girl to find Clarke's eyes closed and breath even.

She waits 20 minutes to ensure not to wake the calmed Clarke before slowly sliding off the couch while simultaneously lowering Clarke onto the cushions. She weightlessly steps to her back porch. Lexa double checks the sealed door before mercilessly unleashing her rage onto the bag hanging from a stand. She can taste rust coating her mouth and forces down her disgust. She wails on the bag as images of smudges of hazelnut skin poking out from beneath the heat of red blood everywhere. Her ears deaf to all but shrill screams. The screams she later realized escaped her own throat as Costia lie dead and silent beside her. She blinks and sees nothing but blurs obscured by tears pouring hot and fast down her cheeks. Her vision lost to the world's cruelty. Knocking down its greatest creatures.

Lexa's final punch rips through her now tattered knuckle resulting in a steady stream of blood pouring from her hand. The power comes from a rush of pure hatred. Hatred at herself for allowing a streamline of sun into her blackened heart. A flash of joy at Clarke opening up. Elation at the knowledge of a definite we when thinking of Clarke and Lexa.

The pain forces Lexa back to reality and the exhaustion tinging the edges of her mind. She promptly turns her back on the bag and opens the door to walk inside. Lexa walks mindlessly into the kitchen to wash the blood sliding down her hand. She meticulously cleans and bandages her knuckles before heading into the living room. She realizes questioning blue eyes watch her from behind curtains of curls. Lexa offers a quick head shake with no explanation before sliding wrapped hands under Clarke and lifting her to her chest.

Lexa moves with purpose to the bedroom and balances Clarke in one arm while pulling back the covers. She slides Clarke into her bed and begins the process of tucking her in. Clarke makes a noise of displeasure and grabs Lexa's arm, startling her. Lexa worriedly glances at her hands but realizes Clarke is staring at her face while pulling her into bed. Lexa crawls beneath the sheets with Clarke and tentatively fits her body to Clarke's back. Lexa wraps an arm around Clarke's waist trying to hold together the jagged pieces―the fragments of Clarke as well as herself.

Chapter Text

"We're gonna be late" Clarke hears Raven holler at her from the front door. She wishes to call back a snarky comment but everything she is is devoted to worshiping the radiant girl beneath her. Clarke straddles Lexa with her arms on both sides of Lexa's head encasing the stunning brunette. The blonde bends her arms to kiss the girls cheeks then eyelids then the tip of her nose. Lexa releases a low whine but Clarke refuses to touch Lexa's lips. She rather moves to trail kisses down her neck and onto her slightly exposed collar bone. Clarke's hips roll into Lexa as her kisses turn to nips followed by her tongue to cool the sting. Lexa's impatient hands sneaks under Clarke's shirt and pulls the girl closer. Clarke's about to fulfill Lexa's wish by placing her lips to the other girl's when she hears her door slam open.

"You gotta be kidding me!" Raven yells at the occupied girls. Clarke reluctantly rolls off Lexa and faces the fuming Raven. "We're supposed to be at your mom's in 2 minutes. I support everything about this relationship except when it makes me miss out on food."

Clarke glances toward Lexa who attempts to appear put together with cool eyes and the upturn of her chin. She can't hide a grin watching red splotches bloom up her otherwise composed neck. Clarke whips her head back toward Raven and attempts to look sheepish offering apologies. "Give us one minute! We'll be right there," she request climbing off the bed. Raven rolls her eyes and walks out—leaving the door open. Clarke is on an exploration searching for a missing shoe when she feels Lexa behind her. She spins to find the girl a touch closer than expected. Lexa's heat radiates into her and God, does she want her.

"Hi," Lexa whispers with wide eyes.

"Hi, yourself," Clarke laughs leaning in to take the girls lips between her own when she's interrupted by Raven's scream of "I can see you! I will take your keys!"

Clarke sighs and places a quick kiss on Lexa's cheek before grabbing her hand. On the way to the door, Clarke stumbles over her lost shoe.

"You're late!" Octavia hollers at Clarke before running to throw her arms around her. The abrupt action forces Lexa's hand from Clarke's. Octavia begins to move towards Raven before noticing Lexa somehow hidden behind Clarke's tiny form.

"Lexa! This one's finally kind enough to share you with the rest of us?" Octavia asks before throwing an arm around Lexa's shoulder.

"O." Clarke gives the girl a stern look. "No teasing the guest." Lexa appears pleased by the other girl's remark though.

At this point, Lincoln's joined the group and offers Lexa a tight squeeze before moving to Clarke and Raven. The line continues in typical fashion with Bellamy following before Clarke reaches her mom.

Before Clarke can begin introductions, Abby smiles and questions "So, this is the girl who makes you smile at your phone?"

Clarke grins at her mom who pulls her into a quick hug. Once released, Clarke offers "Mom, this is Lexa."

Lexa puts out her hand to shake formally stating, "It is a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Griffin."

Abby, seemingly pleased, meets Lexa's hand and tells her to call her Abby.

Everything has a sheen to the night. Clarke feels like this must have been how everything looked before the fog took over. Maybe Lexa truly brought her the final steps. Clarke observes Octavia tell an animated story to Lexa and Lincoln while she finishes dinner preparations with her mom.

Before Clarke knows what's happening they are all gathered around the table. Abby begins the meal with her toast. "To the health and joy of all present." Clarke's grateful Abby does not use the time to embarrass Lexa or herself.

The conversations remains typical though none of the regular petty arguments even happen. Clarke doesn't notice because the only person she can see is Lexa. Clarke would have sworn the girl actually radiated light like an aura.

"So this is the girl your mom told me about?" Clarke's startled out of her Lexa study and turns to the end of the table. She nods unable to keep the stupid grin off her face.

Her dad stares into her eyes then smiles, "She makes you happy. That's all I ever wanted."

Clarke wakes with a start waking Lexa whose arm lays across Clarke's chest. Lexa shakes off the dream of drowning in a blood filled car and pulls some blonde curls from her mouth before peering at Clarke's face. Tears cascade down rosy cheeks yet, Clarke appears almost peaceful. Lexa moves her arm to wipe the tears and caress Clarke's cheek. Clarke shuts her eyes and a small smile sits on her lips. The girl appears to be remembering something. Without opening her eyes, Clarke speaks. "He liked you."

Lexa hums questioningly at Clarke not wanting to speak and break the moment. Clarke does not answer immediately but takes a deep breath. Lexa cleans the last tears remaining on her face. Clarke opens her eyes and gives Lexa a look which can only be described as adoring. "My dad. I dreamed of my dad. He liked you." Lexa snuggles closer to Clarke knowing no response is needed as Clarke adds, "It's the first time he wasn't a nightmare since his death."

Clarke sighs in content before leaning down to place a kiss on Lexa's lips. The kiss remains chaste with still sleepy lips repeatedly finding each other. The two doze until Clarke's stomach grumbles. They both release pent up giggles and Lexa hops out of bed. She pushes Clarke back onto the sheets and orders her not to move.

Walking to the kitchen, Lexa thinks back to the nightmare before she woke. Costia's blood filled the car and Lexa's screams echoed off the walls until the thick liquid swallowed her voice. Rather than lying in bed paralyzed by the pain of Costia's death, Clarke stopped the horror without even knowing. The blood was cleaned and forgotten by the joy Clarke brought to her. Lexa knows her hearts attached but if she had to pick a poison, Clarke's ecstasy tops the list.

Clarke learned something about Lexa the morning after her tell all—the girl can cook. And not just like a little omelet. Lexa prepared smoked salmon and eggs baked in an avocado. She somehow whips it up in less than 20 minutes to deliver to Clarke still half asleep in bed.

Lexa hands Clarke the plate and a cup of coffee then walks out. Clarke sits up a bit confused till Lexa returns with a plate and coffee of her own. Lexa pauses in the doorway and leans against the frame. She stares at Clarke with an unreadable expression. "What are you doing?" Clarke asks.

She attempts to look very serious but Clarke sees right through it. Lexa doesn't break her gaze but the corners of eyes crinkle and soften before she answers, "You're beautiful and I like looking at beautiful thing."

Clarke throws a pillow at Lexa but makes sure it lands a few feet short. No need to spill coffee and a perfect breakfast on the floor. Lexa deliberately struts to the pillow and turns around before slowly leaning over to pick up the pillow. Clarke knows she's mocking but takes advantage of the view. She lets out a low whistle as Lexa stands back straight.

"Cat calling is not okay!" Lexa snaps back while turning around with stormy eyes.

"Get your pretty little ass back in bed," Clarke yells with an eye roll.

"You think my ass is pretty?" Lexa questions with an eye brow raise and cheeky grin. Clarke can't stop the burst of laughter that escapes her lips as Lexa rejoins her in bed.

Chapter Text

"Lex," she hears Clarke whisper into her ear with a hand rubbing her back. Rather than respond, Lexa rolls over and pushes her nose into Clarke's neck.

"5 more minutes," Lexa mumbles not willing to remove her face from its lovely position. That's all Lexa wants. They can be people in 5 more minutes but, for right now, Lexa just wants to enjoy the feeling of her girlfriends skin flush against her own. She hears Clarke hum in response. Lexa rubs her nose against skin which causes a quiet laugh.

After a few minutes tucked into Clarke's side, Lexa walks light fingers across a bare stomach satisfied when goose bumps rise. Her hand reaches the flawless curve of Clarke's hip and she slides her hand down the naked flesh. Lexa relishes in the shiver that runs through Clarke's body.

"Lexa," Clarke chastises grabbing her hand to prevent further exploration, "We really need to get up." Lexa groans in response still wanting to live in the dream state of their bed. Their bed. A grin slides on her face. Even after months, it still felt so good to know the apartment and everything in it was theirs. Not Clarke's. Not Lexa's. Theirs.

"I can feel you smiling," Clarke comments, "A grinning Lexa in the morning is just unheard of." Lexa finally removes her face from Clarke's neck and pulls back far enough to see Clarke's watching eyes. The smile hasn't left her lips as she leans in to catch Clarke's waiting lips. Savoring the kiss for a moment - wandering hands stilled - Lexa's smile continues.

Leaning away, Lexa forces her mouth into an unwanted frown and mockingly warns Clarke, "Don't get used to it." She leans in for another kiss. After too short a time, hands push against her chest forcing a separation from the warmth of Clarke's lips.

"Kissing after. Up and ready, now," Clarke commands. Lexa moans but rolls over and sits up. She ensures to get up slowly with exaggerated movements knowing Clarke's eyes follow her every motion.

Before disappearing into the bathroom, she looks back at the girl she loves. "I love you," Lexa declares, "I don't know if I will ever be prouder of you than I am today."

Clarke's face holds a small smile. "It's not rocket science," she jokes wanting to lighten the moment.

Lexa laughs and states, "Graduating med school's better than rocket science," before sauntering away.

"Come on!" Lexa yells back at Clarke. She grabs Clarke's hand and speed walks through the crowd. Ever since she was young, Lexa never struggled to move through hordes of people. Something in her eyes just told them to stay out of her way. "Hurry!"

"Lexa, slow down!" Clarke yanks Lexa back forcing the woman to halt in her well made progress. They made it past the huge crowd and were finally at the doors.

"We're late. We can't stop!" Lexa tries to force Clarke back to the prior pace. Clarke refuses to budge and Lexa finally looks back. Lexa can't read the look on Clarke's face which brings her to her girlfriend's side. "Clarke?" Lexa questions worried about the slight glimmer of tears in her girlfriends eyes.

"I… I just need a second." Clarke leans against the wall with hands in her golden curls. She slams her eyes shut. Her mouth moves and Lexa realizes she's counting. Lexa stands in front of her shielding Clarke from the world.

"Hey. Hey. Look at me. You're fine," Lexa glances at her watch, "We're not late. We made it. I was just overreacting. You're okay." Clarke's lips stop moving but her eyes remain closed. Lexa's unsure if she should continue but seeing the tilt of Clarke's head, she knows the woman's listening. "I love you, Clarke. I love you and I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished. My life is so much more because you're in it. I'm so grateful for your clumsiness and that you literally fell into my life."

Lexa pauses and blue eyes finally meet hers. "Thanks," Clarke smiles sheepishly. Lexa shakes her head and leans in to kiss slowly, making sure there's enough time for her girlfriend to refuse. Clarke instead meets her halfway. The kiss only lasts a moment but Lexa takes comfort in the small gesture.

Clarke takes a deep breath. "I can't believe it's finally here. I didn't think I would actually reach this moment," Clarke's eyes flicker to her feet before she admits, "I just wish my dad could be here."

"Hey," Lexa puts her fingers beneath Clarke's chin to lift her eyes to her own. "I may not have known him but from what you've told me, your dad would be so proud. I know he's watching from wherever and he'll be cheering you the loudest of any of us." A grin breaks through Clarke's lips at that and Lexa pushes for another kiss. This one lingers a bit longer but Lexa takes a step back before too long.

"I need to find my seat. Are you okay?" Lexa makes sure before leaving her girlfriend. She may be worried about the time but Clarke's mindset is always more important. It had been awhile since Clarke had a panic attack but Lexa knew even after time and therapy, Clarke was still healing. Maybe they were both still a little broken and maybe that was okay.

"I'm good," Clarke smiles with a slight eye roll at the concern still on Lexa's face. "Really, Lex. Thank you. I need to go but don't worry you can find me in the black gown and hat!" Lexa gives Clarke a final kiss for luck before she runs off.

"I didn't think you were going to make it!" Abby exclaims standing to give Lexa a hug. Lexa smiles at the older woman simply shaking her head.

Shuffling into the row of Clarke's family, Lexa receives a pat on the back from Lincoln, a hug from Octavia, a hand squeeze from Bellamy, and a tackle from Raven. "Hello to you too," she says as Raven holds her tight.

"Our girl did it!" Raven beams. She might as well be the one on stage today for the excitement radiating from her body. Lexa's forever grateful to Clarke's friends for supporting her as they do. She knows without them she might never have had a Clarke to love.

The lights dim and the music begins to play. The line of graduates walk into the auditorium and Lexa struggles to find Clarke. She finds a beautifully decorated hat and recognizes Clarke's art. She sees Raven struggling and points out Clarke for her.

The ceremony's as boring as expected. The time passes slowly but it's finally time for Clarke to cross the stage.

"Clarke Griffin," the loudspeaker booms.

Clarke walks with her shoulders back and head high. She accepts her diploma and shakes the man's hand. She reaches the second half of the stage and turns to look at the audience. Lexa did not expect her to find them but her tear filled eyes immediately lock with the blonde's. Clarke's grin widens as she continues across stage.

Clarke's foot slips and her arms windmill. Time slows. Before Lexa knows it, her love is on her butt.

The end