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“Wuming.”
The boy raises his head at him, like he always does, from where he’s slightly below him, the mask on his face hiding the skin behind it-
“Take off your mask.”
For the first time ever, Wuming seems to be against one of his ideas. It’s not like Xie Lian expects him to follow his orders. However, it’s quite surprising that this isn’t the case this time.
“Your highness.”
His voice is deep. Xie Lian hasn’t ever properly noticed this; probably because he just constantly feels empty, and on days that he doesn’t feel empty, he feels every single emotion at once, which is probably how he ended up with this stupid idea.
He knows he can’t die. In theory, he does; but the hope that something will kill him, it remains. And of all things, this is probably the only thing he hasn’t yet tried out.
(He knows that while this is partly true, it is also an excuse to hide the fact that he wants to do this. That on days of him being able to feel things, he thinks about this, his heart fluttering at the other man’s voice, every single accidental touch setting him ablaze until he thinks he’s going to burn to the ground.)
“Why are you asking this of me?”
Xie Lian braces himself, hiding behind his own mask. One half of it crying, the other one smiling. He wished it was only smiling, like the one of the person opposite of him. He wonders whether he indeed never wants to cry. He wonders whether he ever doesn’t know if he should be laughing or crying. He wonders if there are others like him with lives so miserable and hopes and expectations crushed like the white flower below his feet just some days ago.
It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t really know Wuming. Wuming doesn’t know him.
He’s a ghost, and Xie Lian is a human. If they want to, they can just cut each other off, never speak again, never meet again, avoid each others for eight centuries or more if that’s what they long for.
So no. It doesn’t really matter.
“I want you to kiss me.”
There’s no response.
“Your highness, why are you saying this?”
Why is he making this so complicated for them? Usually, he just obeys. However, Xie Lian wouldn’t do this with consent. He’s not that far gone yet.
Emphasis on the yet part. If this numbness continues to haunt him, who knows what else he will end up doing?
“Because I want to,” he answers, because he’s not going to tell him that really, he just wants to die, and kissing might lower his cultivation powers in one way or another to the point this might be possible.
And yet… he’s not lying-
(-is he? He wants to. Something about Wuming’s height, his voice, the way he’s so obedient to him, barely ever questioning him, it sets his heart on fire. There’s something about him that makes him feel something. Even on numb days. There’s something about the way he gifted him this white, innocent, little flower, being so kind and modest about it. Trying to make him believe. Again. After all this time of having lost faith. Trying to push him back on the right path and yet he didn't acknowledge it, and wouldn't do so until centuries later.)
“Your highness. I’m not sure you want to.”
“When I’m telling you I do,” he replies, reaching for the mask on his own face with one hand, for the other with his left hand.
He wants to know what he looks like without a mask. Wants to know whether his image matches the one he has in his head, of him.
Whether his skin really is so pale compared to his raven-black hair-
“Don’t.”
He stops.
“Please.”
“I do not deserve to be kissed by you.”
“Then you kiss me,” Xie Lian says, “I’m asking you to.”
“I do not deserve to kiss you, either,” the other one replies, earnestly, “I would taint you, your highness.”
“I’m asking you to.”
Something about this sentence must have done the job, because he sees Wuming crack in front of him; the way his chest heaves, his non-existent breath gets caught in his throat, a glint in the dark eyes barely visible behind the mask, his body tensing up.
“Close your eyes, your highness. I do not want you to see me.”
Maybe that’s indeed for the better. Maybe he’s so ugly that Xie Lian would be put off by it, would forget all about his only way left to finally die and leave this word behind.
He closes his eyes.
“Okay. They’re closed.”
He hears the boy taking off the mask, and then feels cool and slender fingers against his own cheek, brushing it for a moment, then they come to a halt on the crying side of the mask, as if trying to comfort it.
And he peels it off him all easily, stealing the last two emotions he knows away and leaving him with only the unknown emotion of fire in his chest and in the places the cold fingers touched him.
He keeps his eyes closed.
“Are you sure, your highness? I am not one to disobey your orders once given.”
“Kiss me.”
He hears a sigh that sounds so much younger than anything else, and the fingers remain on his skin, the mask having fallen into his lap all naturally, lying there, waiting to be picked up and used as an excuse to betray his own ideals once more, over and over again, until there’s nothing left of him but an empty shell of what he once was.
“Forgive me,” the boy says, and Xie Lian feels hair tickling his face, for just a little.
There’s no breath. There’s only a nose, its skin soft, a slight tremble of the fingers on his cheeks, and he thinks that this would be the sweetest death possible for someone as rotten as him.
A death that he does not deserve.
Then, lips meet his own.
A piece of his soul does die; forever lost to the other.
*
“San Lang-“
His eyes are still full of tears, and he’s still shaking all over, even though he’s wrapped in his loves blood red robes over his own. He’s cold, no matter how much Hua Cheng embraces him, his eye looking right at him, blinking.
“I’m right here now, love. No need to call on me, your Highness. Is there something particular on your mind? Unless you mind me being naked, I am absolutely willing to give you even the last of what I’m wearing.”
It does make Xie Lian laugh, and he leans more into him. It’s pretty shameless how he asked for his robes, just because he needed his smell all around him, sinking into it, and yes, maybe, just maybe, part of him though Hua Cheng would find it adorable if he did.
“No,” he whispers, “I want to talk about something.”
“Hm? Feel free, I’ll be listening. I’ll be listening to you forever, my Highness.”
One of his hands lets go of Xie Lian’s back, and soon, Xie Lian finds their hands intertwined, Hua Cheng’s slender fingers right between his. So reassuringly.
His heart leaps, and this fire is back. He’s so warm. Despite being so cold. He truly is everything he’s ever needed. Apart from the bamboo hat, Hua Cheng is the only one he has ever needed in his entire life.
“I haven’t forgotten our first kiss, ever.”
His love stays quiet.
“And I’m sorry. It was insincere. I asked you to kiss me because I wanted to die.”
“I only agreed because I knew it wouldn’t kill you.”
So he does remember.
“However,” Xie Lian whispers, “Wuming was also my first love.”
If Hua Cheng had a heart, Xie Lian is sure it would be stopping now. Judging by the way he tenses up at least, his muscles rippling below the part of his back where Xie Lian is holding on, his hand gripping his hard for a second before letting go a little, stroking the back of it as an apology.
“Your highness.”
“My name is and has always been Xie Lian. I wished you would use it already.”
“…X-“
Hua Cheng is clearly struggling with himself, and Xie Lian feels his fingers move, trying to get out of his grasp, but he doesn’t let him. Not after they’ve only reunited tonight. Not after being apart from what felt like so much longer than eight-hundred years to Xie Lian.
He’s never going to let go of his hand.
“Xie… Lian?”
Kisses didn’t kill him. But hearing his name, that does the job. He immediately breaks out into tears.
This is the first time he’s said his name. The very first time.
“I’m sorry,” he sobs, and buries his face in the other man’s face, pressing himself against him, “I’m so horribly sorry that I used you in order to kill myself. I cannot ever forgive myself. I am also so sorry I didn’t recognize you. I should have. After all, I’ve loved you. I thought about that one single kiss day and night. I was broken when I realized you had died for me. I realized your feelings for me all the way back then. And then, when you kneeled in front of me after the fight-“
He stays quiet for a second, but the next words, they leave his mouth despite all efforts to hold them back. He just hopes it won't hurt Hua Cheng.
“And you left me without being able to address this.”
“You’ve loved me the entire time?”
Xie Lian nods against his chest, clings to him, wanting to just crawl into him and become one with him forever. The hug becomes even tighter.
He can’t help but keep crying. He smells so good. He’s so good to him. More than Xie Lian ever thought he would deserve. Someone who he used mercilessly, loving him so unconditionally, a love so pure and eternal like no one else could ever imagine.
“You loved me… the entire time… Xie Lian?”
He nods again, frantically, and feels the hand on his back grip the red robes.
His heart aches. He wants Hua Cheng in every way, shape, or form, despite having hurt him, and his insides are screaming that he doesn’t deserve him-
“Kiss me and I promise I’ll bring you to life, Xie Lian.”
He doesn’t need to be told twice.
He keeps his eyes closed when he distances himself, but then opens them, meeting Hua Cheng head on, looking into his eye.
“I love you,” slips his tongue, and then Xie Lian leans up and kisses him and it does.
It does bring him back to life.
All the fire is back inside of him.
“I love you, Hua Cheng,” he sobs, kisses him again, these lips feeling the exact same as back then, “I’ve always loved you, Wuming,” he kisses him again, again, again, “my San Lang.”
“Yours.”
“Mine,” Xie Lian whimpers, kisses him again, “you’re mine and I’m yours and you’ve brought me back to life so many times-“
“And I’d do it again every day-“
Hua Cheng tightens his grasp on his hand, brings it to between their chest, presses them between themselves.
“Not enough,” Xie Lian whispers into his mouth, “I love you. I’ve loved you for so long. You’ve seen me at my worst. And yet you love me. How could I not love you?”
“How could I not forgive you when you say such things, love?”
“Hold me.”
“I’m already holding you.”
“Never let go of me ever again, San Lang.”
“I’m not letting go of you, ever.”
“Stay by my side, always, no matter how greedy of a plea this may be. Stay by my side until the end of times, San Lang. I need you. I’ve needed you ever since you first kissed me.”
“I’ve needed you ever since you’ve caught me in your arms. I’ll stay by your side. You wouldn’t need to ask. I’d do it of my own accord, Xie Lian.”
And he kisses him again, kisses him again and again and again until his tears stop and his life flashes before his eyes.
Kisses him until the end of times.