Work Text:
The daily Nightcord call is slow and quiet. Normally, there's at least the buzz of conversation and a slight energy to everyone's interactions, but tonight just feels stagnant.
It's past two already. Ena is working off-call to reduce risk of "Mizuki-induced distractions" as she put it, and Kanade is already asleep (allegedly-- her housekeeper insisted she go to bed at a reasonable hour. After the explaining of 25 o'clock and some intense mom-friending, the two managed to compromise on Kanade going to sleep no later than 1:30AM. But realistically speaking, Kanade was probably fully awake and playing around with their synth). So it's just Mafuyu and Mizuki now.
It's pretty quiet without the others, Mizuki thinks. Her and Ena tend to make up a solid 80% or more of the conversation, so that was certainly a factor, but the call seems extra silent without Kanade. Even if she doesn't speak much, there's that occasional crunch in the background that's missing. (Ena was horrified to find out that this crunch was not caused by chips like she initially thought, but by hard, uncooked instant ramen noodles. Mizuki was honestly not that surprised, and Mafuyu seemed to already know the whole time.)
God, Mizuki misses them. It's fun to talk with all four of them there. She's knows she's being silly by feeling lonely, because they'll probably all be talking again in less than 8 hours. And Mafuyu is here. But it still sucks.
"Hey, Mafuyu. You think Kanade is actually asleep right now or nah?" Mizuki asks, just to break the oppressive silence. It's not that she dislikes being on call with just Mafuyu, but it can really make her anxious.
"Asleep I hope, for Mochizuki-san's sake."
"Yeah, me too. But just wait for them to drop a file in the chat tomorrow morning, like "Hey I wrote this whole song from scratch when I was supposed to be in bed."
"Ah." Nothing else, just that little sound of acknowledgement.
And back to silence.
Mizuki fidgets a bit in her chair. She laces her fingers together and unlaces them, and then back again. Normally she'd be animating right now, but there's not much she can do without Ena's art.
"You don't seem very talkative tonight. Like, even less than usual."
Mafuyu hums. "There's something on my mind."
"Oh? You wanna talk about it?"
"No. Wait-- Maybe." Mafuyu seems deep in thought on the other end, likely struggling to reconcile her stubborn inclination to avoid any talk about herself with the recently learned knowledge that it's okay to do so. "Can I ask you about something?" she finally says.
"Yep. Hit me."
"How did you know you're a girl?"
Oh. Mizuki can feel her face heat up, and she knows she's about to lash out, but instead she bites her tongue. She's been in this situation a million times before with a million different assholes, but there's something in Mafuyu's voice that's different. It's not accusatory or patronizing, it's… genuine curiosity. There's an undeniable hint of uncertainty, yes, but Mizuki has a sneaking feeling that she is not the subject of that uncertainty. And it's a tone that Mizuki's never heard from Mafuyu before. There's emotion to it, completely different to her usual flat and disinterested speech. Mizuki's curiosity has been piqued enough to trust the question at face value. And, well, maybe it'll be better than sitting in agonizing silence.
"It's hard to explain," Mizuki begins slowly, trying to speak carefully. Getting agitated isn't the right move here. And it's been several months since Mizuki came out to everyone, but it's still hard to talk about. "I… well, when I was younger, I didn't fit in at all. My classmates knew I was different somehow, but they didn't know exactly what it was. Neither did I at the time. But it's like… I always felt like no matter what I did, I would never be accepted by them. And, I guess… At some point, I realized that was tied to how they see me. Everyone thought I was--" Mizuki swallows, "a little boy, but I never acted like how a little boy was supposed to. And I didn't really act like how little girls were supposed to either, but… I wanted to." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "I realized at some point in middle school that other people's opinions won't change, so I just started ignoring them. And that led me to thinking less about what people saw in me, and more about who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be me. I wanted to be Mizuki."
She waits for a second, and then decides to add, "People had expectations of who I was supposed to be, but I couldn't fit those expectations. The person they saw when they looked at me, that just wasn't me at all."
There's a long pause. Then, "Expectations, huh…" she hears Mafuyu say quietly on the other end of the line. A mumble that was probably intended only for Mafuyu's ears.
Mizuki definitely made the right call using that word. Being unable to fulfill expectations is something Mizuki knows Mafuyu can relate to.
It's quiet for a while. Not quite a comfortable silence, but definitely much better than before. Suddenly, Mafuyu's voice comes back again. "Does it feel like you're crumbling apart from the weight of everyone's opinions, but also that their opinions are lies that don't matter, and they're just idiots who refuse to think about anything besides surface-level. So it feels so heavy but so light because you know it's all bullshit but you can't help but be bothered by it anyway. And the people around you all say that you're changing but deep down you feel like you're not really changing, it's just that you've stopped constantly trying to become someone you're not."
Mizuki sits in silence for a second, stunned but at the same time not really surprised in the slightest. "Yeah. That's exactly how it feels," she says.
"Hm," Mafuyu replies quietly. Another pause. "Sometimes I think about how my life would be different if I was born as a guy."
Mizuki almost laughs, because of course, of course Mafuyu would say that, of course they would think about it. But she has the self control to not do so. It'd be terrible if she laughed and Mafuyu took it the wrong way. "How does it feel to think about?" she asks, hoping her voice doesn't betray any particular thought. And also hoping she doesn't sound too much like a therapist, yuck.
"I'm… not sure. I started thinking about it maybe a year ago. I thought I can figure out who I am if I start by figuring out who I'm not. And it's really hard, because I don't really know what my personality is like, so I don't know what I'd be like if I was different. So really, the only things I could think at first are if I was born in another country or if I was a man. And I never really got anything out of the different country thoughts, but I keep coming back to that idea of me being born as a man. But…" Mafuyu trails off. "I don't know."
That checks out completely. It explains the uncertainty in their voice earlier, which as it turns out really hadn't been for Mizuki. And it explains Mafuyu's disinterested behavior in general and their lack of a sense of self. Mizuki has had the exact same thoughts with the genders reversed. The person she is as a woman is so much more accurate than as… before. So, for Mafuyu…
"...Would you be happier as a man?" Mizuki asks, silently praying that it's the right call.
"Happy might be a strong word but… I think it'd be better." Mafuyu pauses and takes a shaky breath. The next sentence comes with the most hesitation Mizuki has ever heard from them. "Hey. Mizuki. Do you think I might be trans?"
This is the hard part. The part where deep down they both know the truth, but Mafuyu hasn't fully realized it and Mizuki can't just say it outright. It likely wouldn't even help anyway, it'd just be another opinion from a foolish outsider for Mafuyu to deal with. Plus it's not her place to reveal something like this. This is Mafuyu's journey, and she's not going to steal that from them.
Mizuki chooses her words carefully. "I can't tell you who you are. That's something you have to figure out on your own. And it's hard, but I'll be here to talk about it if you need."
"Thank you, Mizuki. It... doesn't feel good, but think I feel better at least."
"Hehe, glad to help! That's what--" she cuts off.
Mizuki's mouth silently twitches as her brain fumbles around with the words. No, she can say it, she will say it. "Th-That's what friends are for!" she stammers.
"Mm. I'm glad you're my friend, Mizuki." The way they say it is surprisingly comforting. There's no hint of uncertainty in their voice right now, and no question about Mizuki's difficulty saying it. Just the assertion that they are undoubtedly friends. It feels right.
"I think I'll leave now. There's a lot for me to think about."
"Oh, of course! Take your time. I'll be here for you. And so will Kanade and Enanan."
"Alright."
"See you--"
"Wait, before I go. Instead of Mafuyu, could you start calling me Yuki?"
Mizuki feels her face smile without even thinking. It makes sense that Yuki would pick their online alias as a name. It's the only place they've ever been close to expressing themself. "Of course I will. And I'm sure the others would too when you tell them. See you later, Yuki!"
"Mm. You too."
The telltale beep sounds as the call ends, and Mizuki sits there staring at the screen for a few seconds before closing her laptop.
There's a strange feeling in Mizuki's chest that confuses her for several seconds, and then she realizes she's proud of Yuki. That type of conversation would've been unfathomable even just a few months ago. For Yuki to be that open is a welcome change. Well, actually… Mizuki reflects on something Yuki said earlier. They're not changing. Just becoming closer to who they really are.
With a sigh, Mizuki flops onto the bed and stares up at the ceiling. Then she closes her eyes and smiles again. It's nice to see Yuki make progress on their goal of knowing themself. And… it's also really nice to not feel so alone.