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“Would you… like to stay?” T’Rina asked, hoping he would take the hesitancy in her voice not for reluctance to invite him in and rather for excitement. Having given this a lot of thought beforehand - for longer than she would like to admit - she did not know exactly what eventually made her ask this question.
It had been a few weeks since they found a way to communicate with the species 10-C, since the threat of the DMA had passed, since Ni’Var and Earth were safe again - since she had allowed herself to admit to her feelings for Mr. Saru.
The question, of course, was directed at Mr. Saru - or just ‘Saru’ as he had asked her to call him now - who she had just spent a beautiful evening walk in the cooling Ni’Vari air with, and the extent of her question was whether he wanted to join her in her apartment, and possibly spend the night with her instead of leaving for his accommodations provided by Starfleet. If he agreed this would be one step further for both of them since things had progressed… slowly between them. Impossibly slow, some people might say, but for them it was just right. Between their busy schedules, her spending most time on Ni’Var and him being either on Keminar or flying missions on board the Discovery there was little time for personal interests. Short calls were possible here and there, a few stolen moments between meetings, early in the morning or late at night, but mostly their communication comprised short voice or written messages from when they had just missed each other. This was only the second time they saw each other in person since T’Rina had returned home, and the first time they were able to spend a few hours in just each other’s company.
“I- I would be delighted,” Saru replied, seeming hesitant as well at first, but genuinely happy at her request.
They transported to her presidential home, a penthouse apartment overlooking the city. They passed security and were scanned for identification, T’Rina had previously arranged clearance for Saru so it would be easier for him to visit her here. As soon as they entered the apartment, the lights came on, not too bright, as the sun had already set a while ago, filling her home with amber light, mimicking the evening sun of Ni’Var.
“Would you like to join me for a cup of tea before we retire?” What had almost become a ritual for them seemed appropriate now, especially considering that T’Rina was unsure of how to proceed. If Saru were to spend the night they had some things to talk about and discussing them over tea somehow made them appear easier.
“I would like that very much,” Saru responded, giving her a soft smile before gazing around her spacious, yet humble, apartment with its high ceilings and wide windows.
When they had settled at the table across from each other with a cup of salt tea each - she had grown to like the taste of the drink from Saru’s home world a lot - they fell into a strained silence that was finally broken by Saru: “You appear… worried, T’Rina.”
Her heart jumped when he called her by her name, no title, no formalities, just her name. It felt incredibly intimate. And she loved it.
“You are very perceptive, Saru, as usual” she replied, setting her cup firmly down on the table.
“May I ask what is troubling you?”
She avoided his eyes this time, knowing that this was the moment she had dreaded since she first took his hand when they had been on the Discovery. She looked at his hands now, wrapped around his cup of tea, remembered how it felt holding them, how thin the border between his emotions and her mind had become then, how cool his hand had felt in hers… she wanted to feel it again, and yet she was afraid.
Afraid of what? She asked herself. To what it could lead? She was not a young woman anymore; she should know by now how to act in these situations. Was she scared that they were incompatible due to their cultural backgrounds? That - whatever was going to happen between them - she would not like it? Or even worse, like it too much? Scared of losing control? Scared that she misinterpreted things between them? No, surely not-
“T’Rina?” His voice reached through her thoughts like a sprout breaking the soil after the rain, and she finally looked up.
“I apologize,” she said, slightly embarrassed she had let her train of thought carry her away. “You asked what was troubling me, and apparently it is of greater significance than I had previously thought myself.”
He bowed his head in acknowledgment, not pressing her to continue talking, merely giving her the necessary space to continue if she wished.
“It is… something I never had to consider before. The matter of our relationship appears… more difficult to me, considering our differences in species and culture.”
“Ah,” he breathed, nodding slowly. “That is a matter I have found myself thinking about as well.”
Her shoulders relaxed slightly, his words were yet another confirmation that this relationship was not one sided, that everything that concerned her concerned him as well.
“It seems to me that the best and only thing to do about this is to talk openly about it.” He phrased it like a statement, but his voice lilted at the end, marking it as a question.
“I agree.” Her gaze dropped again, and she took a sip from her tea. Not wanting to let silence stretch for too long she began to speak after a few moments. It was illogical to delay this conversation any longer, may it be uncomfortable for her to discuss or not. “I have been thinking a great deal about the subject of physical contact.”
“Ah, yes. That would be indeed a subject to discuss between us.”
“As I understand, physical touch is quite common among Kelpiens, is that correct?”
Saru nodded. “It is. We are quite... physical people. Touch for us means making sure the other person is still there, it is a… reassurance. It helps us feel safe and grounded. For you… it is quite the opposite.” Again a statement sounding like a question.
She nodded. “Touch is extremely… intimate for us. It is not simply touch itself, but that through touch our telepathy becomes much more… intense, the emotions of our… partner, the person we are touching become much clearer for us. And to do it with a non-telepathic person… I have no experience in doing so. I do not know how it will be if it is not balanced.”
Saru cocked his head to the side. “Balanced?”
“When I engage in physical contact with Vulcans or other telepathic species both parties are aware and prepared for how it will feel. We can… control our thoughts and emotions, shield them from one another or only show parts of them. Only rarely do we choose to show them completely.”
“I see,” Saru said, carefully weighing his words. “What you are implying is that my emotions might be overwhelming to you, since they are not filtered?” She could hear in his voice that the simple thought of that hurt him.
“No,” she replied immediately, but when their eyes met, she knew he could see the lie in them. “…yes.” She let out a soft sigh. “I know that it would not be your intention to harm me. And I obviously do not know if it is an unpleasant experience until after…”
“We do not have to do… anything,” Saru interrupted her. “I am fully content with just being in your presence.”
A wave of affection swept over her. She knew that he meant every word of it, even if it meant to forego a big part of his whole being.
“I do not want you to make such sacrifices. Just a few moments ago you told me the importance touch bears for you. I do not wish to take it away from you.” Her usually sure and steady voice had become so small, realizing that she herself didn’t know where she was going with this statement. She was torn between her fear of the unknown that this relationship brought and the fear of making Saru unhappy by expecting too much from him or giving him too little.
He shook his head. “But you were right when you said that I don’t want to harm you in any way…”
“I don’t believe you would harm me.” Now she was the one interrupting. “I might just need a longer period of adjusting to your touch.”
An air of surprise lifted his face. “T’Rina…”
“What I am trying to say, Saru… I do want to engage in physical contact with you. Not just because I know that… you… enjoy it, but because… I… I think I enjoy it as well.” Finally she had said it, finally she came to terms with him and herself.
“Ah-“
“I hope I did not misread you. I do not mean to impose any assumptions upon you, I apologize if I was too forward.” Too many words came tumbling out of her mouth too fast.
“Not at all,” Saru smiled. “As I see it, we simply have to find a way that is agreeable for both of us. After all, we are both part of this… relationship.”
Her heart fluttered, yet she tried to keep a calm exterior, something she found more and more challenging in his presence.
“May I propose a way of how to continue from here on?” Saru asked.
“I welcome it.” She sipped her salt tea, which had become much cooler already.
“For the time being, I won’t engage in any physical contact with you, not unless you say otherwise. This way you can choose what feels right for you and when.”
T’Rina’s expressions softened immediately, she felt such an abundance of affection and appreciation for Saru she had never thought possibly. That he again would put her comfort before his own, that he would make such a sacrifice for her…
“That would be agreeable for me. But will it be enough for you?”
“Enough?” He gave her the warmest look. “Please, Rannah, do not think in these terms. This is a shared experience, neither of us should worry about giving or receiving ‘enough’. All I want us to be concerned with is that we are both… comfortable. And yes, this arrangement would be agreeable for me as well. As I said, being near you is most pleasant for me.”
“Thank you, Saru.” T’Rina said, smiling and blushing when he called her by his petname for her.
She got up from the table and he quickly followed her movement. Looking up into his kind eyes she felt a lightness she hadn’t felt since she first considered Saru as a possible partner, which had been another great moment of truth for her, just like this one.
“Is there… something else?” He asked, as if he had read her mind.
She gave him a small, almost shy smile. Now that he had given her so much security to navigate their relationship, she felt much more comfortable, almost eager to go just one small step further.
“When I was reading about Kelpien culture…” He smiled at her words, obviously touched that she would do such a thing. “I learned that one form for you to show affection is to… touch foreheads?”
“That is correct.”
“If you don’t mind, I would like to… experience this.”
She could see, almost feel, his surprise and joy over her words and he stepped a bit close. She, too, took one step to minimize the distance between them, craning her head while he bend his down to meet her forehead, their difference in height now more apparent as ever, but no hindrance. Her breath hitched slightly when his cool forehead touched hers and her eyes fell shut. She had prepared herself for the touch, knew it was coming, had shielded herself for the tumultuous emotions, but even if she hadn’t, she doubted she would have been overwhelmed. His presence had always been calm, even calming, still she had not expected his touch to have the same effect, even after having a similar experience back on the Discovery. His emotions - although plenty and somewhat chaotic - did not sweep over her, they merely brushed against the edges of her mind like waves on the shore close to Saru’s hometown he had shown her on the holodeck. She breathed deeply, feeling her mind calm down even though her heart hadn’t stopped racing since they stepped into each other’s personal space. For a moment she felt nothing but peace.
Her breath shivered slightly when she broke contact, and she could see the worry in his eyes.
“Was it too much?” He asked.
“Not at all. It was quite… pleasant.” She smiled, and he returned the smile, relief and joy taking over his features.
Feeling the tips of her ears becoming increasingly hotter she tried to play over her lightheadedness by asking if they should now retreat to the sleeping chamber. He agreed and without further conversation she led him there.
“I’m afraid the environment conditions are quite different to what you are used to sleeping in,” she mentioned as she stopped in front of the door. “If you would prefer something more to your liking, I’d be happy to prepare a different room for you…”
“That won’t be necessary,” he replied. “I will adjust to it…” especially if it means I can stay close to you for a bit longer, he seemed to add.
His unspoken words made her smile again. Gods, she couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled this much. She would have to meditate before she began her long day of meetings and official business to keep her composure. But that could wait until the morning. A few minutes later they had settled onto the bed, her closer to the door, knowing that she might get up earlier than him.
“Are you comfortable?” T’Rina asked in a low voice a few minutes after they had turned off the lights but with both of them still wide awake.
“I am. Are you?” She heard him shuffle slightly and from the corner of her eye she saw that he turned his head towards her.
“I am comfortable as well… Saru?” She asked suddenly, eyes fixed on the high ceiling above her.
“Yes?”
“Would you like to… to hold me?”
As soon as the words had left her mouth, she felt foolish, childish, needy. Who in their right mind would pose such a request? She heard him shuffle again, and when she turned her head, she saw that he was now lying on his side, facing her, his whole face brightened up by a wide smile.
Despite the darkness of the room could read the answer in his face, yet she waited for him to give his consent. She didn’t have to wait for long, and as soon as he nodded, she moved into his arms until her back touched his chest. He gently wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer until she was flush against him. They shuffled for a moment, getting comfortable against each other, then they lay still. Years of meditation and breathing exercised did not prepare her for this moment, for the moment where she was being held by someone who she simply seemed to melt into, whose body felt like it was meant to be pressed against hers. How did her small form fit so well into his arms?
She felt his heart thumb against her back and for a moment she felt his embarrassment spilling over from his mind. To counter his feeling, she carefully took his hand and placed it over her own heart.
“T’Rina…” Saru murmured softly into her ear, his thumb gently stroking her abdomen.
“The Vulcan heart beats much faster than that of a Kelpien...” she began to explain, knowing that there was no use. There was no explanation as to how fast her heart was beating except for the situation she found herself in.
“I know,” he breathed, and she could feel him smiling as he nuzzled his face into her hair.
“Are you laughing at me?” She asked, unable to hide a smile.
“I would never dare,” he replied, pulling her instinctively closer. She didn’t object. In fact, she sidled even impossibly closer. Again she took his hand, in both her hands this time, pulling them to her chest, holding them close like something precious. Suddenly, induced by the skin-to-skin contact, a strong emotion lapped at the edges of her mind, and for a moment she was overcome with his adoration for her. His emotions for her were so clear, so untainted, so… raw. And yet it was comforting in a way she had never known before. There was nothing hidden, nothing blurred, no secrecy at all. Nobody had ever shown their emotions so openly to her. But somehow she had ended up exactly here, pressed flush against Saru, the person who was so different from her, the person who fascinated her the most, and she did not mind feeling the entirety of his emotions at all.
“Are you alright, Rannah?” His breath tickled the shell of her ear.
“I am,” she replied, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
“I am… glad to hear that,” he said, and she felt a wave of relief from him.
Bit by bit she let her inner shields down, bit by bit she let his mind come closer to hers, and it was as he was wrapping himself around her, similar to what their bodies did. She felt neither cornered nor suffocated, neither overwhelmed nor burdened. She felt… safe. His physical and mental presence actually made her feel safe.
Without fully realizing what she was doing she lifted his hand to her lips and pressed a kiss on his fingertips, and for a moment his fingers lingered there, gently tracing her lips until she led his hand back to her chest where she could hold him close.
“I... believe the conversation we had earlier is now obsolete,” she said in a low voice, which still seemed to drone unnaturally loud through the room after they had been in silence for several minutes.
“Why is that?” Saru asked without moving, but she could feel him stiffen slightly.
She turned her head so she could look at him over her shoulder and he lifted his head so their eyes could meet.
“Because I cannot imagine ever disliking being touched by you.”
Seemingly speechless Saru stared at her for several seconds before pressing his forehead against her temple, thoughts and emotion of pure love and devotion spilling into her mind. She noticed how hard he tried to control his emotions, and, not wanting him to strain too hard she lifted her hand and gently brushed two fingers over his cheek. She had to tell him that this was not too much for her, had to tell him that he could never be too much, that she was wrong to have the slightest doubt to their compatibility.
“Do not worry, Saru, you don’t have to hold ba- aah,” she sighed, as Saru suddenly wrapped his fingers around hers, pressing into her neural points, sending a soft but unmistakable tingling through her whole body. Either he was especially perceptive, or he had somehow read exactly what she wanted to say in her mind, because within a moment she felt his body and mind relax again and he lay before her open like the proverbial book.
“If you are absolutely sure...” he whispered, now leading her hand to his lips. She just nodded, and he pressed a kiss on the back of her fingers.
“If there should ever a moment arise where you wish to withdraw your consent...” His lips now lingered over her temple.
“I know...” She whispered, closing her eyes when his lips brushed first over her temple, then her cheek, leaving a small peck on her neural point there. Her breath hitched and she could feel him smile, content with the reaction he was able to draw from her.
“Does this feel pleasant for you, Rannah?” Saru asked, pressing another featherlight kiss on her cheek, resulting in a deep intake of breath by T’Rina.
“Very much so,” and to underline her statement she turned in his arms until she faced him. He gifted her with one of his warm smiles, of the sort that he had given her on many occasions when they had met in public, at meetings, diplomatic dinners, but also in private. However, this time it seemed brighter, more free, even more honest.
“Your smile is... very beautiful,” she whispered, not entirely sure where those words were coming from, but also not regretting having said them.
A small laugh escaped Saru’s mouth and her heart jumped at that sound. “Intriguing, I was about to say the same about your smile.”
She averted her eyes, feeling her face and ears turn hotter and hotter, so hot he surely would see the green complexion even in the dark. She heard him chuckle and a moment later her head was tilted up by a finger under her chin.
“You are also very beautiful when you blush,” he said before pressing a kiss on her forehead.
Her skin tingled, even seemed to burn under his touch, and she was sure that by now she was practically glowing in the dark. Suddenly remembering that Kelpiens were able to see heat signatures, this was not a farfetched thought. She let out a small, embarrassed sigh and nuzzled deeper into his embrace, hiding her face in his chest. She heard, felt, him chuckle and wrap his arms around her tighter, holding her fast, tucked under his chin. She felt a wave of protectiveness when he gently cradled her head and pressed a kiss on top of it. She didn’t need protection, but then, she also didn’t need to be held, but for nothing on Ni’Var would she want to give up this moment.
“Sleep well… ashal,” she whispered when his breathing became deep and calm, his arms still strongly wrapped around her. For a quick moment she thought she could feel him smiling into her hair, as if he had heard her through the daze of half-sleep. She nuzzled closer one last time, and finally allowed herself to completely relax. For the first time in a long, very long time she felt calm, and safe, and truly at home. This feeling had nothing to do with her being on Ni’Var. For all she knew she could have been on the edge of the galaxy again, with Saru’s body and mind wrapped around her so tight and yet holding her so gently, as illogical as it sounded, she would feel at home everywhere.