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Seung Tak stumbled backwards as though he’d been pushed, blinking several times to get used to the bright white of the hospital once again. The hallway he was currently standing in was only slightly askew, barely fazing him.
This sort of disorientation was normal after possessions and Seung Tak was quite used to it already. It only took him a few moments to get his bearings and gauge the situation he found himself in once Professor Cha left his body. These days, the older man was being a bit more considerate and made sure to leave his body in a mostly secluded place.
Seung Tak turned to smile at him but before he could, the room spun again, forcing him to take a step back and press his palm against the wall beside him. The disorientation seemed to be lasting a bit longer this time around, but Seung Tak wasn’t too concerned. After all, that was only to be expected after all the work Professor Cha was putting his body through.
Not that he was complaining of course. This was all to help him wake up faster, to help the ‘happy hormones’ do their job. Seung Tak could bear with a little fatigue if it meant Professor Cha would get better soon.
But when he turned back to the professor, it seemed as though he didn’t have the same idea. Seung Tak grinned to see him standing a distance away, face drawn in a gentle frown, a hand hovering uncertainly over his shoulder.
Seung Tak stood up straight, his balance finally having returned and beamed.
“Oh? What’s this?” He teased the older man. “Worried?”
Young Min’s frown faltered, replaced with vague annoyance as he stepped back and rolled his eyes.
“As if.” He shot back. “You’re so fragile. Why don’t you work out more?! Shouldn’t you be more concerned that a few hours of surgery is affecting you this much?”
“Why?” Seung Tak said, grinning as he began walking to the on-call room. “It’s not like I’m doing anything. Seems to me like you’re more concerned about losing your only outlet than you are about my health.”
“You rude brat.” Young Min seethed. “That’s not true! I-”
“Oh? My untouchable professor does have a heart?”
Seung Tak grinned when Professor Cha simply glared and let out a long suffering sigh. He turned back, opening the door to the room long enough for Young Min to enter after him before letting it fall shut. Sighing heavily, he threw off his white coat, dropping it somewhere by the foot of his bed before falling onto the bed dramatically.
Now that he was lying down, he was starkly aware of all the aches and pains riddling his body. His back ached, his head throbbed, and yikes his shoulder wasn’t bruising , was it?
Frowning slightly, Seung Tak wrapped himself up in his blankets, burying his face into the pillow and shutting his eyes. With any luck, he’d be able to get a few hours of sleep and a coffee right after. He’d be as good as new for at least a few hours after that and if Young Min decided to run his body to the ground again during that time (which he probably would), then he’d just do it all over again.
This was fine, he truly didn’t mind any of it. It did get a little tiring sometimes, but if he really thought about it, this was the only thing he was capable of doing, the only patient he could save. He couldn’t do anything with his own hands, all he had were his words when it came to other patients. But if lending his body to Young Min was truly saving his life, then who was Seung Tak to complain? As a doctor, this was just his job. It was as simple as that.
His sleepy thoughts scattered when he felt the bed dip slightly as a familiar weight settled next to him. He cracked his eyes open, squinting to make out Young Min sitting near him but not touching him. Not that he could anyway.
The frown was back on his face as he stared thoughtfully at him and Seung Tak smiled tiredly.
“What? Need me again?” He teased.
Young Min’s frown deepened and he shook his head silently. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it right away, his brows furrowing even more. Finally he sighed and glared at him without heat.
“Are you really that tired?”
It seemed like a strange question and Seung Tak couldn’t help but think it came out of nowhere. Professor Cha had made comments about his fatigue before but only ever to scold or tease him. This sounded like… concern and it confused Seung Tak.
Now that was not to say that Seung Tak thought his professor was heartless. No, of course not. If anything, during these past few weeks, the two of them had become very close and could pretty much dissect (metaphorically of course) each other’s thoughts and feelings if they really wanted to.
Most of the time, they didn’t though. What was the point when none of it would last? When one of them would forget about everything once this was all over?
Regardless, Seung Tak had received and accepted the man’s veiled concern and praises before. But he’d never seen him being so open before.
Unsure of how to answer, he simply shrugged as well as he could lying down.
“Well, kind of, I guess.” He muttered. “It’s whatever though.”
Apparently that had been the wrong thing to say because Young Min continued to frown.
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
Now it was Seung Tak’s turn to frown. Confused, he blinked, opening his eyes wider to stare at him.
“Ask what?”
“Well…” Professor Cha seemed to be floundering for words. “Aren’t you going to ask what happened when I possessed you? Or how long it’s been this time? Usually you ask for a whole incident report so…”
He trailed off and Seung Tak simply shrugged once again. That was all true but… He just didn’t feel the need this time around. Maybe he really was that exhausted. Even if he wasn’t, it wasn’t like knowing made much of a difference. It wouldn’t be long before the man possessed him again and he’d be back to square one, with none of the previous information being valid anymore.
It was like asking someone for the password to something when you knew they’d change it again at an unknown time. Eventually, you realize it’s pointless to know and you just make do without.
And so he told him so.
“Why do I have to know? It won’t be important the next time I’m back to myself.”
Young Min fell silent for a time, his expression dark and thoughtful.
“You don’t even wanna know simple things? Like the date and time?”
Again, Seung Tak shrugged.
“Would it matter?” Seung Tak mumbled sleepily. “Like I said, it won’t be important later on. The date and time’s just gonna change drastically again once you’re done using me….”
He trailed off, his heavy head begging him to shut up and just go the hell to sleep. The warmth of his blankets beckoned to him and he leaned deeper into his pillow. Sighing, he waved away his professor tiredly.
But the man wasn’t done yet.
“Using you…?” He said, his voice distant. “Is that what…?”
Seung Tak didn’t hear what he said next. Maybe if he was more coherent, he’d have forced himself awake, cut the man off, or take back his own words.
But exhaustion clouded his mind, darkening his thoughts and numbing his emotions. The last thing he saw before his eyes slid shut was Young Min’s face, sad and regretful.
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If he really thought about it, perhaps he’d always known deep down that this was all this was. That he really was just ‘using’ the poor kid for his own desires. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel bad about it, of course he did. He often hid his concern behind jokes and taunts. Because really, he didn’t deserve to be concerned when he was so openly using the kid.
But still, it was another thing when Seung Tak himself voiced it. Until now, Young Min was going along, albeit hesitantly, but because Seung Tak was always so willing, he never backed down either. The kid never seemed to have any issue with it, even looking relieved that he basically had a scapegoat to count on whenever he was asked to participate in a surgery. And afterwards, he’d always have this bright glimmer in his big eyes, as though he’d just been told he’d saved the world and all the people in it.
Sure, it wasn’t him doing the surgery and Young Min made sure to remind him of that in the beginning. But these days, he let him have that small victory, that enormous comfort. Because that’s what it was to Seung Tak, and Young Min knew that now.
He had thought both of them were getting something out of this ridiculous situation but…
Was that really what Seung Tak thought? That he , Cha Young Min, was using him?
The twinge of regret was quickly replaced with a burst of anger. How dare he, the rude little punk? If anything, Seung Tak was the one using his golden hands to save lives. Or… was it him using Seung Tak’s shitty hands…?
Young Min sighed in frustration, shaking his head at such useless thoughts. His gaze landed back on the resident’s face, drawn and exhausted even in sleep.
He laughed wryly at himself and decided this was stupid. It wasn’t like him to let such small things get to him. Young Min didn’t think too deeply into other peoples’ words about him. He knew better. He knew himself. He knew his intentions.
He knew that his concern for Seung Tak was genuine. He knew that he wasn’t just using him, but cheering him on silently, waiting for the day he woke up and could finally stand beside him, watching on proudly as he became an amazing doctor in his own right.
He was already proud of the kid, even if he didn’t show it too often.
He’d thought that they were close enough now to know each other’s intentions and feelings but well. Even if he knew himself better than anyone else, Seung Tak was still second in that regard. Of course there were things he wouldn’t know.
And if he thought he was using him, that he didn’t care, well… Young Min would just have to prove him wrong somehow, wouldn’t he?
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It wasn’t much but even in the deepest of sleep, the enticing smell of ramyeon always managed to shake him out of his fatigue. His mother had discovered the secret ages ago when he was still a child and since then, she’d always make ramyeon for him whenever he came home, especially exhausted.
Blinking to clear the sleep from his eyes, Seung Tak pushed himself up slightly on his elbow, grinning when he saw Young Min sitting on the couch at the foot of his bed, a bowl of ramyeon on the table next to him.
And not just that, but a bag filled with all his favorite snacks from the nearby convenience store. It wasn’t much, but to Seung Tak it was a feast.
Young Min caught his eye, barely grinning back when Seung Tak completely sat up and crawled to the other end of the bed, reaching out to grab the bowl and the bag. The older man leaned back to avoid his hand, his face set in a strange expression.
Seung Tak glanced at him furtively, settling back into his blankets with the warm bowl in his hands. Something was up with him, but right now Seung Tak was too hungry to care.
He found the chopsticks in the bag and snapped them, grinning at Professor Cha once more just so he’d have a few more seconds to decipher his expression.
“What’s all this?” He asked lightly, blowing on the noodles and taking a big bite.
Young Min clicked his tongue in annoyance and crossed his arms, deliberately looking away.
“It’s not much. But you should eat.”
Seung Tak narrowed his eyes teasingly, the expression clicking all at once. That was Cha Young Min’s ‘we need to talk’ expression. And as such, Seung Tak needed to deflect.
“How did you even manage to get all this? You couldn’t have left the hospital yourself. You didn’t find someone else you can possess, did you?”
“No, you brat.” Young Min sighed. “Tess Hyung helped.”
Seung Tak grinned, happy that he was managing to push his professor onto a tangent. He wasn’t even upset that Young Min had tattled to Tess Hyung about… his health or whatever. Although, now that he thought about it, he was very curious what the man had told the ghost.
It would only help in his deflecting so it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
“What did you tell him?”
“Nothing much, just-”
All at once, Young Min seemed to realize what he was doing and frowned angrily, sitting upright and uncrossing his arms.
“Yah! You punk, I know what you’re doing!”
“And what is that exactly?” Seung Tak asked, grinning.
It was inevitable, but Seung Tak had tried. Oh well, he’d sit through the man’s lecture and then call it a day. It wouldn’t be the first time and he was quite used to his nagging.
Young Min made another sound of annoyance and shook his head. For a while, he simply watched as Seung Tak ate the food he got him, almost ravenous in the way he was eating.
“You’re so irresponsible.” He said finally, raising his voice slightly. “Do you even remember the last time you ate?”
For some reason, that made Seung Tak laugh just the slightest bit. He suppressed the giggles quickly when Professor Cha’s glare ticked up a notch.
“No?” He told him honestly.
Because really, how was he supposed to remember when this whole possessing business had thrown off his inner clock?
“I remember eating… yesterday? Or was it before? How long did you possess me?”
“Oh, so now you want to know, huh?” Young Min scoffed, shaking his head. “Anyway, it doesn't matter. Like I keep telling you, you should take more care of your body. I know you were just going to go get coffee after you woke up instead of eating a proper meal like a normal person. What if you pass out or something, huh? What am I supposed to do then?”
He looked like he wanted to say more but stopped and fixed his exasperated expression on Seung Tak even as he laughed openly this time. Though he couldn’t decide if he was laughing out of sarcasm or surprise. It wasn’t the first time the professor had bugged him about this but… something felt different in his tone this time around.
“Back to nagging already? And I just woke up too…” Seung Tak said with a pout, thoughtfully chewing another bite of some gimbap he found in the bottom of the bag. “How am I supposed to know? You should make sure to take care of my body when you’re the one using it more often these days.”
He said it carefully, watching Young Min’s face intently to see his reaction. Seung Tak didn’t know how he expected the man to react to that but he frowned when his expression softened. He actually seemed to be contemplating Seung Tak’s words. The words he’d just thrown without a definitive plan, just to mess with the professor. But he sighed and looked at him thoughtfully before speaking again.
“Should I?” He asked. “And what if I eat something you’re allergic to?”
Seung Tak shrugged, now unsure of how to proceed. If Young Min was really so worried about him that he’d make sure to eat as though it was his own body… well, who was he to tell him otherwise?
Besides, he really just wanted this conversation to be over now. He was never good at talking about himself and his needs because most of the time they were already taken care of. And in the case they weren’t, there was always a good reason for it, at least in his head.
Ignoring his own needs for a little while to help others wasn’t a tall order, and it was all Seung Tak was really capable of doing at the moment.
“I’m not really allergic to anything so you can eat whatever when you’re using my body.” Seung Tak said simply, hoping the man would take his words for what they were and stop nagging him.
He found a strange milkshake sort of drink in the bag and hoped it tasted better than the weird stuff in the hospital vending machines. Taking an experimental sip, he decided it was good enough and nearly chugged it down when he realized Young Min had fallen silent.
Lowering the drink, he watched him curiously as he stared off into the distance. Seung Tak had wanted the conversation to end, but now that it had, the silence was making him the slightest bit uncomfortable.
Fidgeting with the drink in his hands, he leaned forward slightly, clearing his throat and opening his mouth to-
“Seung Tak, you…”
Seung Tak sat back, eyes wide and curious when Young Min brought his gaze back to him. There was something unreadable in his eyes but Seung Tak frowned when he realized it looked like hurt . Had he said something that upset him? Did he not believe that he had no allergies? Did he not like Seung Tak’s teasing about his nagging? What-
“Did you mean what you said?”
Oh shit , so it was something he’d said. The last thing he wanted was to upset someone who was already at the edge of death. And someone who was helping him through the very thing he tried his hardest to avoid.
He had to fix this. As soon as he found out what this was.
“D-did I mean… what?” He asked hesitantly.
“Before you fell asleep? That I'm using you?”
Seung Tak winced.
Ah.
That.
Right, now that he’d mentioned it, Seung Tak remembered it clearly. His sleepy words last night, his stupid mouth spouting nonsense, and the regret flashing across his professor’s face.
His words hadn’t been a lie exactly. But he wasn’t upset about it! Of course not! As far as he was concerned, they were both using each other. And he told him so.
“I mean, it’s true.” He began, trying for calm but breaking off into a ramble. “But we’re both using each other! In the end, all that matters is that we’re saving patients while also saving you! So it’s ok for you to use me if it’s for a good cause. I'm also using you to feel good about myself so there’s that. I know it doesn’t sound good but there’s no better word…”
He trailed off pathetically and glanced up, smiling sheepishly for the professor’s sake. But Young Min’s expression remained dark and upset. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, seemingly contemplating the words.
“You don’t…” He said finally. “Resent me for ‘using’ you, do you?”
The question had Seung Tak’s eyes widening and he nearly waved his hands frantically before realizing he still had his drink in a death grip. He settled for shaking his head adamantly, worry gripping his heart at the serious way Young Min had asked the question. Had he somehow made it seem that way?
“No, I just said it’s fine!” He said frantically. “Where is all this coming from? Are you ok?”
That made annoyance return to his gaze but Seung Tak found that he didn’t mind it at all. As long as his eyes didn’t shine with regret, he would take the professor’s nagging any day.
“I’m fine.” Young Min said simply. “Worry about yourself. You really do have a one track mind sometimes.”
Seung Tak didn’t respond to that, simply smiled in silent relief as he chugged down the rest of his drink. He peered into the bag, dumping out the rest of the contents to see if there was anything else he wanted. All the while, Young Min watched on with an expression between mock disgust and pity.
“If you were so hungry you should have eaten earlier.” He said, almost too quiet to hear.
Seung Tak could tell he was getting serious again and somehow, the logical side of his brain told him he ought to let him be for the time being. But his deflecting instincts were strong today for some reason.
And so he laughed it off and shook his head.
“There’s no time for me to just ‘eat food’.” He told the man. “Didn’t you say in your resident years, you didn't even have time to go to the restroom?”
Seung Tak grinned triumphantly when anger glinted in his eyes once more.
“You’re insufferable.” Young Min huffed. “Seung Tak, that doesn’t matter. We made time to at least try to take care of ourselves. Please tell me you aren't always like this. It’s just because of this situation, isn't it? You’re usually such a slacker!”
Once again, Seung Tak got the feeling he shouldn’t tease or provoke him but he was on a roll.
“Hey, that's just rude.” He said, grinning. “I can be focused and hardworking when I want to be.”
“And then you neglect yourself.” Young Min stated, his straightforward words making Seung Tak wince. “Seung Tak, I’m trying to be serious. You can see that right?”
For a second, Seung Tak stopped messing with the bag of food, forcing his fidgety hands to still. He deliberately avoided eye contact since it was clear he wouldn’t be able to avoid the conversation any longer.
Sighing, he said, “Yes, I can.”
And then, slowly, hesitantly, Seung Tak spoke the tiniest bit of the truth, his heart tugging against it all the while.
“But professor, I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m ok, I promise. It's just… you’re right, I do end up neglecting myself at times but… does it really matter when I’m using my time to take care of others who need it more?”
He looked up, meeting Professor Cha’s eyes and immediately regretting it. He was still frowning but now his eyes held a glint of sorrow and Seung Tak was just about ready to disappear into his blanket-
“Seung Tak-ah…” He sighed heavily.
Seung Tak shook his head, frantically trying to fill the silence before Young Min could.
“Look, I promise I’ll take care of my body more so we don’t accidentally mess up a surgery or-”
“Seung Tak, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?” Seung Tak asked, the slightest hint of frustration creeping into his voice. “It's not like you to be this concerned. Even if you are genuinely concerned, you’re a realist! Surely you can see that I just can’t afford to take time to myself. Most of the time, we’re doing surgeries, there’s just no time!”
Now that he was losing his cool, Young Min was the picture of calmness and it only served to irritate Seung Tak more. He had finally voiced some of his worries and he didn’t know if it was relieving or not. Everything was just so twisted in his mind, a constant back and forth of wanting to take a break, to take care of himself, but knowing he couldn’t while Young Min was still bedridden.
“Ok…” Young Min said calmly, his words slow and deliberate. “Then here’s what we’ll do. We’re taking a break. We’re not doing any more surgeries for the time being until you-”
“What?” Seung Tak couldn’t stop the incredulous question from leaving his mouth.
This was not how the conversation was supposed to go. He cursed himself silently for allowing himself to give up control of the situation in exchange for being truthful. He should have just continued deflecting and teasing because now Young Min was concerned and he was willing to sacrifice the one thing he loved doing just because Seung Tak couldn’t keep it together.
“No, we can't do that.” Seung Tak said firmly, hating the slight panic in his voice. “What about your happy hormones and the patients-”
“What about you, Seung Tak? Hmm?”
The question caught Seung Tak off guard and his addled brain fumbled for words. In the end, he frowned in irritation and shook his head, saying the first stupid thing that came to his mind.
“I’m not that important-”
He knew even before Young Min gave him the look , an eyebrow raised, that he’d said something idiotic. Waving his hands and huffing in frustration, he shook his head again.
“Ok, ok, I am, but…” He sighed heavily, trying to slow down and make sense of what he was saying before he said it. “I'm alive and mostly well, Professor! I can't complain when I see what the patients are going through, what you're going through! It… it doesn’t feel right to take a break when you’re stuck in your room, unable to even open your eyes…”
He trailed off and again, Young Min fell silent. Seung Tak bristled at the tension of it all, very aware of the fact that he was actively being analyzed right now.
Sighing heavily, Young Min said, “Ok… I can see now that this is just your mindset. And I'm going to change that mindset.”
Seung Tak opened his mouth to protest because, what mindset , this was just him looking out for others when they needed it more, what was wrong with being selfless sometimes, why was he making this into a big deal-
But Young Min cut him off with a frown and a raised hand and despite everything, Seung Tak still held some measure of respect for the man. He fell silent, a frustrated pout on his face but Young Min continued, unfazed.
“It won't be easy. Trust me, I know. But I will do it. Because your well being as a living person is just as important as mine, someone who’s stuck in the middle. You are the reason I can even hope for a fighting chance, Seung Tak. So you need to take more care of yourself.” He sighed, expression softening. “This is going to sound dramatic but I don't want you to end up on this side of the picture.”
Perhaps it was a last ditch attempt at directing the conversation away from such seriousness but Seung Tak found himself laughing at that. Even though it was anything but funny because well… He had been on that side of the picture, however briefly. It was the whole reason he could see ghosts in the first place.
But still, he laughed slightly at the words.
“You’re right, that was dramatic.”
And surprisingly, Young Min decided to humor him the slightest bit. For the first time since Seung Tak woke up, the older man smiled at him softly.
But the smile lasted only a second before he became serious once more.
“But I'm serious, Seung Tak. If you let this sort of mindset fester, things will only get worse for you. Don't let outside circumstances force you into neglecting yourself.”
And while his face was set in a frown, the look in his eyes was different. There was a deep sort of care behind the light glare that Seung Tak couldn’t remember seeing before.
Seung Tak was used to that soft look in everyone else’s eyes. After all, there was only ever one person that had never fallen prey to his obvious charms. And well, now even that person, the one person who had hated him, didn’t seem to do so anymore. Perhaps he never really hated him from the start.
Why was he trying so desperately to run from such care? It felt nice, he had to admit. And yes, he wanted to be there for others but… it was nice to know someone was there for him too.
Young Min cleared his throat awkwardly, fidgeting uncomfortably when Seung Tak didn’t immediately answer.
“Well…” He said, grabbing Seung Tak’s attention again. “Did… any of what I just said make any sense to you?”
Seung Tak chuckled softly and nodded slowly.
“Yes, I guess.” He said. “I understand what you're trying to say and… I'll do my best to take better care of myself.” And then, giving him a sideways glance and a lopsided grin: “I see you’re also finally under my spell.”
That got Young Min’s demeanor to change immediately as he frowned in familiar irritation and tried to throw a pillow at him, missing completely.
“Yah, you rude brat! It has nothing to do with your non existent charms. I don't even know what the others see in you.”
Seung Tak didn’t respond to that, just grinned cheekily and allowed the now comfortable silence to persist. For a while, it was nice to just be together without having to say anything.
And eventually, Professor Cha’s expression softened completely, the frown replaced by a warm smile.
“Anyway…” Young Min said, breaking the silence but not harshly so. “Let’s be a bit more careful going forward, yes? We’ll both take better care of ourselves.” A pause and then, his voice more genuine than it had been thus far : “I need you, Seung Tak-ah. And not just your hands.”
Seung Tak hadn’t realized his professor was capable of being so cheesy. He was filing that one away for later to tease him about it. But for now, the words made his heart sing and he smiled from ear to ear.
“Professor Cha…” He said in a singsong voice, leaning closer to him, waiting for him to roll his eyes in mock disgust and move away.
Instead, the man smiled, seemingly lost in the moment. Super lost because he actually reached out to put a hand on his shoulder and neither of the two realized until they’d already touched.
Black overtook his vision for a split second before it went back to normal, the room spinning slightly before righting itself.
Seung Tak chuckled slightly, shaking his head at their stupidity as Young Min simply shifted awkwardly, clearly embarrassed at his mistake after the promise of being careful.
“Looks like we’ve got a long way to go.” Seung Tak laughed.
Young Min sighed, a smile on his face as he relaxed.
“Well, that's ok. Soon I’ll be awake and then I really won’t leave you alone.” He said with a threatening wink.
But Seung Tak smiled back, unfazed.
“Back at you.” He teased.
“Eh? You already stalk me though?”
“Me?! You’re the one who-”
The rest of the conversation went as they all did, bantering and teasing. But there was something else behind it now that was never there before. A sort of camaraderie and a promise to always be by each other’s side. Even if there was a possibility that Young Min would forget everything eventually, Seung Tak knew one thing for sure.
They’d never leave each other alone and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.