Chapter Text
Regulus waited anxiously beside his mother, who was glowering at the crowd in search of her older son. Regulus saw Sirius Black in an embrace with a boy around Sirius’ height, but everything else about the boy was different. His skin was dark and his tie - which he should not have had on - was bright and his glasses were large and his voice even more so. Regulus didn’t know his brother had made friends the year they had been apart, let alone another Gryffindor.
His mother inhaled sharply. “That’s the Potter boy,” she hissed at her younger son, “I shouldn’t have brought you, this may be too much of an influence.”
“It’s okay, Mother.” Regulus said, barely above a whisper. It was the only way he didn’t have to hear his voice. Walburga was glaring at Sirius, who undoubtedly saw her, but he made it a mission to ignore her. Regulus really wished he didn’t.
Walburga pushed her way through the crowd, one hand tightly on Regulus’ shoulder. “Lyra and I have been waiting, Sirius.” Regulus flinched at her words and her tone of voice.
“Last I checked, Mother, that wasn’t his name.” Regulus was entirely grateful and disdainful for his brother at that moment. Sirius had just outed him to the random dark boy, but he had corrected their mother.
“It is the name on the tapestry, so it is the one I will use. It doesn’t bother you, right, Lyra?” Walburga said, digging her nails deeper into Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus wished he could Apparate away, but he would end up taking his mother with him even if he had the skills to do it without killing them both. Maybe that would be better. The dark boy - Regulus should really learn his name - stared at the pale family, but especially at Regulus. He shifted uncomfortably in the gaze of the stranger, but felt more safe with him there than if it was just the two brothers and their mother. It must have been his eyes. They were warm, warmer than anything Regulus had ever seen. “I asked you a question.” Walburga said, taking the warmth away and replacing it with the cold Regulus should be used to by now.
“Yes, Mother.” Regulus whispered again. Sirius’ friend - Regulus felt bad calling him “the dark boy” in his mind - raised an eyebrow. Sirius gave his friend a look which apparently both boys understood. Regulus longed for that. Sirius’ friend got whatever message Sirius was trying to send him.
“Alright, mate, make sure to write. Have a good summer.” The friend shook Sirius’ hand and Regulus saw some object change possession. Sirius immediately placed his hands in the pockets of his jacket, a denim one with plenty of patches that was new to Regulus.
“I’ll see you, James.” James Potter. Regulus envied his broad shoulders, his effortless confidence, the air he had that showed everyone he knew what he wanted in his life.
Walburga was already several strides ahead of Regulus by the time he took his eyes away from Sirius and James. He scurried to meet her, whereas Sirius took his time. Regulus saw happy families embracing each other after a long year away at Hogwarts, wondering how it must feel to be hugged by a parent. Maybe, if Regulus was a girl and he got sorted into Slytherin, he would get more than an angry glare from his mother, or more than a grunt when he asked his father a question. His mother had passed through the platform by the time Regulus approached, not waiting for either of her children. Regulus knew what it was like to go through the platform by himself, but it did not make the moment any less jarring. He stumbled into the King’s Cross station most people saw, wondering what his life would be like if he saw it the way they did. Maybe non-magical people had less worries. No. They are the bad ones, we are the good ones, Regulus reminded himself.
Regulus saw the tall figure of his mother, pushing through this crowd quite more forcibly. Compared to her presence, Regulus was nothing. And she never let him forget it. Regulus had to keep stopping amongst the patrons of the train station to relocate his mother’s dark hair, putting him further behind. He didn’t understand why his mother was walking so fast, she would have to wait for them at the Apparition point anyway. He finally found his way out of the lobby of King’s Cross, thinking more about catching up to Walburga than someone who may be catching up to him.
A hand grabbed his own and dragged him behind a bush. “Merlin, Reg. Why in such a hurry?” Regulus had not heard his brother’s voice directed at him in almost a year. He took a few deep breaths, both to calm his fear from being dragged by what could have been a stranger and having his brother back.
“Mother will be waiting. We can’t stay here long.” Regulus breathed.
“What did they do to you, Reg? I’m the blood traitor.” Sirius said these words like they meant nothing, like they were not the words Regulus had nightmares about, seeing possibilities for his future.
“I’m fine, Sirius. Mother and Father haven’t done anything to me.”
“We both know that is a lie.” Sirius tried to brush some of Regulus’ hair back and he flinched, moving away. “I can cut that for you, if you want. It’s not like they can glue it back on.” Regulus really wanted to take his brother up on his offer. But, instead of saying that, he left the area between the bush and the brick wall the same way he had been dragged in, knowing that even these few minutes of conversation would anger his mother.
He set off for the Apparition site, pretending not to care if Sirius was following him.
Walburga Black was tapping her foot when Regulus arrived, looking down from the hill at the parking lot of King’s Cross. She glared at all of the muggles with their normal lives and didn’t change her expression for her youngest child.
“Took you long enough,” she said, grabbing Regulus’ hand and pulling him to stand near her.
“I’m sorry, Mother.”
Regulus heard his brother on the hill before he saw him. When Sirius finally came into sight, Regulus finally noticed his very large and very blocky boots. He liked them.
“Mummy dearest, how have you been?” Walburga scoffed, grabbing Sirius’ shoulder and Apparating with a CRACK, even though Sirius was far enough away from her to risk getting splinched.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three Blacks appeared in front of Grimmauld Place. Regulus could hear other kids his age playing games and laughing. He had never been able to join them.
Not even when he was six and he couldn’t understand why Kreacher kept him away from the door when Mother and Father were out. It wasn’t like he couldn’t hear the ice cream truck or the block parties through the invisible door.
As quickly as Walburga had grabbed her oldest child, she released him once her feet were on the floor of their foyer. He reminded her so much of herself before she met the love of her life and learned the right ways. She hated it. Sirius was trying to anger them, trying to make them hate him.
Regulus watched dizzily as Sirius stumbled out of their mother’s grasp, almost immediately bounding up the stairs with one of his bags and a grin on his face. Regulus got the feeling of someone roughly scraping him, a feeling he knew well, but they were inside his skin, scraping away at the muscle and the bone and the tissue that was supposed to hold him together. His mother went into the house, calling for Kreacher and leaving Regulus alone in the foyer. He had been in this foyer just a few hours earlier, but something was different now.
Sirius was back.
Regulus slowly walked up the stairs, fully expecting his mother or father to appear, yelling at him for going to his room. Orion Black wasn’t even home, instead at his brother-in-law Cygnus’ manor. His oldest daughter and Orion’s niece, Bellatrix, was to receive her Dark Mark, having just graduated from Hogwarts. Bellatrix would have a manor of her own someday soon, especially as she was on track to marry Rodolphus Lestrange, a very well-standing pureblood follower of the Dark Lord, shortly after her eighteenth birthday. He only hoped his daughter would be like Bellatrix.
“Reg!” Regulus didn’t want to answer his brother. It was probably one of the only times he would hear his name correctly this summer.
He could still remember when he told Sirius. It was the summer before he left for Hogwarts. Sirius had noticed when Regulus had started to stay more away from their parents, pulling at his hair and his clothes, spending a lot of time in the bathroom. He had dragged Regulus into his room, closing the door immediately.
“Did you get your period or what?” Sirius had asked. Regulus had looked his older brother in the eye, with the short hair he oh-so wished for, and tears pooling in his eyes, and cried. He knew his brother would blame it on the hormones that came with a period, but he was barely ten and no one he knew had ever felt like this.
“I - yes, but that’s not all of it.” Regulus said through his tears, taking deep breaths like he had taught himself many years ago when his parents would first harm them.
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t - I don’t know how to explain it, Sirius. I feel wrong.”
Sirius wiped some of Regulus’ tears off his cheeks. “You feel sick? I can call Kreacher, he can get you a potion or something.”
“No, I feel fine. It’s… my body, it’s wrong. I feel like you, like, a boy. But my body isn’t.” As soon as he said it, Regulus regretted being honest. Sirius would tell their parents and they would send Regulus to St. Mungo’s psychiatric asylum because this wasn’t real, this was insanity. But the edges of Sirius’ mouth slowly turned up into a smile.
“So, you’re, like my brother now?”
“I think I am.” That was the first time Regulus had admitted it. He wasn’t a girl. He was a boy.
“I can’t say it wouldn’t be hard to get used to, but I like the idea of having a brother. Do you have a name you’d want other than Lyra?” Regulus flinched when he heard that name. Of course he wanted another name.
“I don’t have one, but I really want one. I need one.” Sirius went over to his star chart.
“Well I already have the brightest one.” He dragged his fingers over the chart of the sky they could never see in full, landing on one. “Pollux?”
“I don’t think so.”
Sirius laughed breathily. “I didn’t think so either. Hm,” he trailed off, looking at more stars. “I got it! The heart of the lion.”
“Regulus?” Sirius nodded, the grin large on his face. Regulus let the name wash over him. He liked it. He liked it a lot.
“Regulus?” Sirius said, now right in front of him, eyebrows furrowed. Regulus snapped back from his memory, looking at the person he so longed to look like.
“Hm?”
“I called for you. I assume Mother is downstairs?” Regulus nodded, looking over his shoulder to make sure Mother wouldn’t see him talking to his traitor of a brother. The things she had said this past year, Regulus couldn’t believe they were about the same person who gave him his name. The same person who would comfort Regulus and be comforted by Regulus after particularly rough snaps from their parents, directed at one or both boys. The same person who would comfort Regulus after nightmares, the only one able to do so, understanding enough that the things seen in their minds were not those you talked about out loud. The same person who wrote him secret letters about his first year at Hogwarts, knowing that making the letters known to their parents would endanger his little brother. The same person who accepted him and loved him, even if it hurt. That person was his brother. Not the blood traitor, the disgrace, the abomination, the reason for all his parents’ problems.
Sirius pulled his brother into his room, being careful not to slam the door but shutting it with force anyway. Regulus flinched at the sudden movement and the noise, but it went unnoticed by Sirius. What didn’t go unnoticed, however, when Sirius tried to hug his brother after months of not seeing him, was another flinch from the younger boy. Instead of continuing the hug that may make him uncomfortable, Sirius put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, looking down into his eyes. Sirius was taller now, his eyes were bluer, and he looked healthier.
No shadows of bruises on his arms, minimal bags under his eyes, more muscle on his body. Regulus knew he would never look like that and hated it. Hated himself, hated Sirius for having the body he wanted.
“You could have told me it was getting bad again,” Sirius said, his voice not quite deep yet but deeper than when Regulus had seen him over the hols.
“It isn’t.” Regulus Black’s consistent defense mechanism - denial.
Sirius ignored the deflection. “My mate, James, the one from the platform, said we could stay with him and his parents for a few weeks before school, if you want. I’m going to go because I doubt Mother and Father would want me here that long anyway, but his parents wanted to make sure you knew you were welcome too.” Regulus had never felt welcomed. He really wanted to go. James seemed nice.
But he’s a blood traitor. His family will put the wrong ideas into your head. One side of his mind said.
I can decide which ideas are the wrong ones, I’m not agreeing with them if I stay with them! The other side argued.
He then remembered what Mother and Father would do if both of their children befriended the Potters. He was already losing by being a boy in the wrong body. No, it was better to let Sirius be happy and have Regulus deal with their parents. Right?