Work Text:
Parson:
Who does he think he is?
Zimms has tangled with the wrong man!
Shitty:
Say what?
Parson:
No one says "no" to Parson!
Dismissed! Rejected!
Privately humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.
Shitty:
Tub juice?
Parson:
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
Shitty:
Who, you? Never! Parse, brah, you've got to pull yourself together.
Shitty:
Fuck it disturbs me to see you, Parson
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Parson
Even when taking your lumps
There's no hockey bro as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why
No one's slick as Parson
No one's quick as Parson
No one's quite as adept with a stick as Parson
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Wayne Gretzky or Lord Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on
Shitty and the Frogs:
No one's been like Parson
A king pin like Parson
Shitty:
No one's got a sweet cleft in his chin like Parson
Parson:
All those records I broke are intimidating!
Shitty and Frogs:
A modest bro, that Parson!
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
Shitty:
Parson is the best
And the rest is all drips
Frogs:
No one fights like Parson
Douses lights like Parson
Shitty:
When the gloves come off nobody smites like Parson!
Puck bunnies:
For there's no one as lithe or athletic
Parson:
As you see I've quadriceps to spare
Shitty:
He's not even a little pathetic
Parson:
That's right!
Though I wish I could do something about this hair
Frogs:
No one quips like Parson
Matches wits like Parson
(Jack, huddled upstairs in his room:
No one cuts to emotional quicks like Parson)
Parson:
I'm especially good at demoralizing!
Catch you later, Zimms!
Frogs:
Ten points for Parson?
Parson:
When I was a lad I did four dozen squats
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I do five dozen squats
So my glutes are the size of a barge!
Frogs:
'Swawesome!
My what a guy, that Parson!
No one shoots like Parson
Makes those beauts like Parson
(Jack, rocking back and forth a little:
Weaponizes uncomfortable "truths" like Parson)
Parson:
I use hockey in all of my decorating!
Frogs:
My what a guy,
Parson!