Archive of Our Own

You don't remember much about how you landed exactly where you are now; on the dirt floor of an open field, just outside of the Shinganshina District. But you do know a few things: there was an odd throbbing sensation on your side, your dead horse was crushing your legs, rendering them useless, and you had seen Commander Erwin get decimated by the Beast Titan. 

And you were cold. Freezing, actually.

Your troubled mind could only begin to assume you were bleeding out. The sun was shining still, though its rays did little to warm your body, and while the air around you was crisp, your lungs burned and your senses were overwhelmed with the iron stench of blood.

Looking down, your tired eyes travel from your, no doubt, broken legs, to your torso. There, you spot it: an open wound on your side and blood quickly staining your Scouts Uniform red. Your mind, plagued with the aching in your side, makes a futile attempt at distraction by forcing you to acknowledge the flowers blooming to your immediate left, and you might have found them beautiful, had they not been stained with your blood and the blood of your comrades. It was a cruel irony; the flowers would no doubt use your body, along with the bodies of many others who had given their heart, as fuel for their growth. Next spring, you anticipated the field would be alive with flora. 

The grim realization sets in that you won't be there to witness it, or any seasons that follow. 

I'll never hear the end of it, you think to yourself. You chuckle, in spite of your situation, and break into a coughing fit, Levi will never let me hear the end of it once he sees how dirty my uniform is.

The thought of your captain being more worried about your uniform were the mechanisms of a dying mind trying to take focus off of the pain you were feeling; it wasn't helping. You laughed again when you realized that you were bleeding out, and the first thing your mind brought to your attention was your Captain Levi.

And that's when everything came back to you.

You had been part of the last wave to charge at the Beast Titan. Commander Erwin was among the first. After years of serving faithfully alongside Captain Levi, you had been reduced to cannon fodder; a mere distraction so that Levi could get close to the Beast Titan. And you had saddled your horse with a smile on your face, even after Captain Levi urged you to scale the wall and leave the rest of the Scouts and volunteers behind. It was so unlike him, you had thought. He was always a man of few words, and any feelings were masked behind seemingly emotionless eyes. 

But you knew better than anyone; Levi felt everything all at once, and showed nothing.

"And leave the fun to you?" You laughed. "I don't think so."

Levi's tired gray eyes searched your face, though he said nothing. This silent form of communication was enough for you; you had grown to learn what each gaze meant. This time, his steely look was loud, vulnerable and begging, and your expression, in turn, immediately softened. You set your horse's reins down on the ground and took a step closer to him.

"We can't be selfish, remember?" You remind him as you place a gentle hand on his face.

You cough as your eyes scan the battlefield, searching for him.

You could only faintly make out the bodies of your fellow comrades, all scattered and strewn about, their blood staining the grass and dirt in surrounding areas. They are unrecognizable, in part due to the brute force of the Beast Titan that left their bodies mangled, and your vision beginning to fail you. In your fatigued state, your mind begins to remind you of tender moments shared between you and the Captain.

Most of your interactions with Levi were stolen moments throughout the day, hidden within the corners of his office, behind closed doors, down a hallway after making sure no one else was around. A gentle kiss here and there, his hand cupping your face, his eyes meeting yours. Secret moments of time stolen within the few minutes of the day when you weren't both busy. Fleeting moments; just the two of you. 

And some of your interactions were a lot more intimate. They were shared within the confines of his home; when you would spend the night and wake up to make him his favorite tea. They were shared smiles between the pages of a book, and they were sitting out in the backyard, staring at the clouds in the sky, attempting to make out any familiar shapes, hand-in-hand.

You saw a softer side of the usually rugged and stoic Captain Levi Ackerman. You saw something vulnerable. You saw him as a human being. As the little boy who lost his mother far too young, and as a broken man who had lost too many loved ones and close friends. You saw him as the heavy guilt that burdened his shoulders, and as the façade he bore as a result. You saw him as a happy person from time to time, and you saw his love for you through little actions that someone else might have deemed insignificant. 

You saw his expressionless gaze riddled with guilt and trauma that only you could decipher. You saw the dejection in his eyes during each funeral; one after the other. And you saw what brief flicker of hope remained dim with every death he witnessed.

You saw him as something no one else would ever see: a broken man, relentless, and unbelievably tired. 

And in one of your final moments together, right before you departed for Shinganshina, you witnessed a man who dared to be selfish for what might have been the first time in his life.

"I don't see why you can't be a part of Hange's task force on the other side of the wall." He said as you finished getting dressed. You were lacing your shoes, sat on the edge of his bed. "You would be much safer out there than facing the Beast Titan."

"Levi," you sighed, and he knew this was your way of saying you didn't want to argue with him. Yet, like he did with most things in his life, he persisted.

"Listen," he said finally, kneeling in front of you so that you could meet his eyes. "I don't want to lose you, too."

His words alone were enough to make your heart seize and your chest tighten.

Levi had never been one to demonstrate any sort of selfish behavior like this; his heart and mind were set on sacrifices for the greater good, and he understood that with the heroics, one might argue stupidity, of the Survey Corp came the greater good of losing loved ones.

He was all too familiar with this concept.

And yet there he sat, staring up at you through those tired gray eyes that you had grown to love absolutely, begging you to join Hange's task force. You were taken aback by his words.

"You hand-picked me for your Special Ops Squad," you stated as a matter of fact, "you know I'm a more than capable of taking care of myself."

He nodded, growing exasperated as if what you had said was already obvious. "Of course I know this. You think I don't know this? I know you're capable. But I also know that things can go South very quickly, and I know that if they do, I don't want you on the front lines."

You offer him a smile and raise a brow. As you finish lacing your shoes, you lower yourself to the floor so that you are level with him. He doesn't have to argue any more for you to see the conviction he felt about the matter. And he could, as your captain, order you to be with Hange. 

But he didn't. And he wouldn't. 

He knew also, that while his conviction was strong, yours was stronger. And your loyalties lied with him. If he was going to face the Beast Titan, he knew better than anyone that you would be, if not at his side, the first to ride into battle to defend Humanity's Strongest. 

"I'm a soldier, Levi," you say. He looks away, but you place a hand on his cheek and gently turn his face so he's looking at you again. "I belong on the front lines alongside you and Commander Erwin. If I go with Hange and the others—"

"I'm tired," Levi interrupts. He stands, beginning to pace the room. It was the first time you had ever seen his patience be so fleeting. Anyone who knew Levi, even in passing, knew him to be quiet, composed. Not feeling. "I want to be selfish. I want to tell you to stay here and you listen. I want to keep one good thing for myself without putting it at risk. I want you. And I want you to be safe. I just. . ." his voice trails off before he can finish voicing his thoughts.

"I just want one thing to myself," he finally finishes. He offers you a hand up, and you take it. "When we first met, I was cold to you and pushed you away for this exact reason; there's no guarantee you'll make it out alive tomorrow. I can't protect you."

"You don't need to worry about protecting me, Levi, you know this. You won't lose me," you assure. "The plan will follow through exactly as Erwin planned it. We'll come home and all of this will have been for nothing." You pause, then, "But we can't afford to be selfish just yet. There is so much riding on this one battle for us to throw it away."

He scoffs, causing you to frown. "The plan isn't full proof."

Your silence is a cue for him to continue, he takes a breath, "but I know I'm not going to stop you. I can't. And I need you out there." 

He sighs, finally resigning. "No heroics, okay? That's an order."

You smile and chuckle as you place a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Sir, yes, sir."

You cough again, and this tears you from your dream like state. When you finally come to, the titans that had surrounded the Beast Titan were fallen, slain by your one and only Captain Levi, rendering the monstrosity of a titan ultimately defenseless. Your hazy eyes finally spot him; he is at the last titan in the formation, and quickly approaching the biggest target on the field. You watch Levi make the Beast Titan know why he was granted the title of Humanity's Strongest Soldier. He begins to lay waste to the beast titan without wasting a beat. 

And he looks glorious. 

Your sacrifice was well worth it, then.

Your tired mind takes you to your favorite memory of you and Levi. It was a moment that you know was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or in the cosmic timeline of the universe you were living in. To you, it was without a doubt the most important moment in your life, right alongside meeting Levi as a rookie. 

The two of you were laying on a blanket in his backyard, examining a late night starry sky. You both knew you shouldn't have been up as late as you were, but neither of you could help it or be bothered to resign to sleep. The night was escaping you through your fingertips, and you wanted nothing more than to suspend the moon, keep her there for all of eternity. The air was crisp and cool, it felt good in your lungs and you wished you could go back now more than ever. 

Goosebumps riddled your skin. And maybe it was the moon, but you were feeling particularly brave that night.

"I love you," you said to him suddenly.

He turned his head to look at you, and then wordlessly turned his head back toward the sky.

"Brat," he scoffed. "I told you not to say something stupid like that to me."

You couldn't help but laugh, not taking offense to his words. You hadn't known him to ever speak any differently. "I know, but I can't help it. I really do love you."

"You know what you're doing, right?" Levi asked finally. "There's no room for things like love in this world."

"And yet," you sighed, "I managed to find a small corner of the world to make room for it. Right here, next to you. In your backyard, on this blanket, staring at the stars tonight. It exists. It's real and there's no helping it. It was inevitable."

Levi shakes his head. "Don't be a fool."

"You know better than anyone that I have done many foolish things in my life," you pause, "but this isn't one of them. Joining the Scouts and accepting your invitation to your Special Ops squad both led me right to you. And you, Levi, are by far the best choice I have ever made."

You could practically hear him roll his eyes. "You're dramatic. And annoying. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"And yet here you are."

Silence drifted between you two for more than a few seconds. It was suffocating and deafening all at once. You knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to say it back to you. It is who he was as a person. He was all at once the most emotionally unavailable person on the face of the Earth and the most hurt. You knew he had stomached enough trauma to break anyone. 

Not wanting to overwhelm him, you speak first. 

"You don't have to say it back," you clarify. "I know you feel the same way. It was something I needed to get off my chest." 

He clears his throat. "I do care about you, idiot." 

You grin. "I know." 

He didn't have to say it for you to know.

He would show it to you. You could always feel it in the way he touched you, the way he said your name, when he called you idiot or brat and when he reprimanded you for being reckless. When he took care of you when you were sick, and when he made you tea and brought you your favorite books.

I love you always resonated in his actions, and they were much louder than words. You were content with this. 

Your last thoughts are with Captain Levi Ackerman.

You dream of you and him in your small corner of the world. In his backyard. In his bed. His eyes on you, his lips on yours. Hand-in-hand with him; your mind paints a portrait of what Armin had described. A vast expanse of saltwater reaching across an infinite horizon, surrounded by miles and miles of fine rocks grinded down into miniscule minerals, warm sand between your toes. You feel the cold water at your ankles. 

You can imagine Levi reaching the Sea. 

And you die with a smile on your face, no regret or fear in your heart.

Hundreds died for nothing. You died for nothing.

He falls to his knees next to you and grabs your limp body, holding you in his arms. Your unseeing eyes stare up at the sky, just like when you were laying with him in his backyard.

"Idiot," he mumbles. 

His fingertips gently go over your eyelids, closing them for you. And just like that, he gets left alone, and you are lost to him.

We'll meet again someday, he promises you, though the promise is more for himself than for you. He places a gentle kiss on your forehead, daring to hope that your skin might be warm still. You are cold to the touch, just as he suspected you might be.

He carries your body back toward the wall and knows it is too late to use the Titan Serum on you. You died before he reached the others, leaving him to choose between Erwin and Armin instead of you. Even if you were a choice, he knew you wouldn't let him choose you. He decides for you, and ultimately Erwin as well, that you two should be allowed to be selfish, after giving your hearts. 

His troubled mind is at ease knowing you are no longer struggling through the Hell he and the others live in.

At the end of the battle, he has you buried underneath the shade of a tree. With the arrival of Spring, daffodils bloom where your body has been laid to rest. 

On days when he misses you the most, he allows himself to finally be selfish and sneaks away from his work to visit you. Your headstone reads your name, and the epitaph Hero to Humanity.

"I love you too, brat," He'll confess one day, one hand on the cool stone.

"I love you, too."