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Again and again and again. The nausea faded away after taking a deep breath and holding on to the sink next to me. A sink? My eyes searched the small room, my brain trying to process everything. I had ended up in a bathroom, barely able to see without lights turned on. I have been here before. Or have I? It felt familiar, everything felt familiar. Jumping from one universe to the next left my mind scrambled and confused. My grip on the ceramic sink strengthened and I glanced at the small device on my wrist. Cursed thing . I had tried ripping it off and throwing it away, I had tried to pull the crystal out of my hand but everytime that I woke up again - it was back. Voices echoed in my mind, images flashed before my eyes. I couldn’t do this anymore, I just couldn’t take it.
Slowly my senses returned back to normal and I tried to pull myself together. A quiet noise came through the closed door in front of me. It sounded like sobbing. I hesitated but in the end I had to see what universe I had ended up in - so, I cautiously pushed the door open. It squeaked a little. The next room looked like a bedroom. A few cupboards stood against the walls, it was dimly lit and the bed was neatly made. But my attention was drawn to the person sitting on the bed. Even from behind, sitting in such a hunched over position, I recognised him. The fluffy black hair, the broad shoulders.
“Mark?”
He raised his head slowly, taking the headphones he had been wearing off. Then he turned around, dark eyes widened in shock. He simply sat there, staring - and I just stood there. My beloved Head Engineer… I had seen him die, so, so many times. His screams haunting the back of my mind. But there he sat. Alive.
“Captain…?”, Mark stammered, his voice hoarse. How long had he been crying? “Captain, you-” He rose to his feet. He was nervously playing with the cable of his headphones. “You- You are-” Mark started sobbing again. I stepped closer and opened my arms for him; and he came running right into them. He sobbed and cried as I caressed his back.
“It’s ok”, I whispered, feeling tears burn in my own eyes. My throat was clogged. We held each other close and it felt so good. Mark’s hands clutched the back of my uniform as I could feel his tears through the cloth on my shoulder. “What happened?” I didn’t know how much time we had, so I needed to find out.
Mark cleared his throat, his fingers digging into my back. “You saved us, you saved us all.” We let go of each other and I looked into his face. Dark shadows circled his red eyes. I reached out, gently cupped his cheek with one hand and proceeded to wipe away his tears. “You saved us but…”
“But?” My hand dropped to his shoulder. A bad feeling came over me, like a cold hand creeping up my spine. “Mark, please.”
“You can’t be here. You died.”
My stomach turned, cold sweat formed on my forehead. I can’t be here. I looked down at my hands - they were trembling. Full of anger and desperation, I ripped the device off of my arm and threw it against the wall as hard as I could. A few pieces broke off of it as it hit the floor. “I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t know how to fix the mess I made!”
“Captain-”
“Don’t call me that!”, I shouted, not actually wanting to yell at Mark. He looked hurt, he was hurt. All the things I had done and tried in the other universes came back to me. “I’m not a good captain”, I continued now more calmly. “The choices I made… were against anything a captain should stand for. I sacrificed everything and everyone to save one person.” Tears were forming in my eyes again but I couldn’t blink them away. I closed my eyes and rubbed them until I felt like I could look at Mark again. “And still, I keep seeing you die and die again, no matter what the fuck I do!”
Mark reached for my hands. “Don’t doubt yourself. You always believed in me, so I will always believe in you.” Somehow he managed to smile. It was the same smile that had gotten me through so many bad times and situations already. “I need to tell you something-”
“Paradox detected.”
I frantically looked for the device on the ground. “No, not now, not now!” I hurried over and stomped on it and kicked it, breaking it into a hundred small pieces. But the crystal in my hand started tingling. I can’t go, I can’t! My thoughts went in circles, they screamed as I ran to pull Mark back into my arms. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”, was all I could say.
“Don’t leave me again, Captain. Don’t leave me”, Mark begged me, his face pressed into my shoulder.
The feeling in my hand became stronger and harder to fight it. Tingling turned into a burning sensation. I ended the hug. “I promise you, I will fix this!” I didn’t know how. It was another promise doomed to fail. “I won’t stop searching until I've found a universe where we can both be happy.” I could feel my strength waning - it was time to go. Again. The world around me faded to black but I made sure to take one last good look at Mark’s face.
“Captain, wait, wait! Please! I need to tell you that I-”
His unfinished sentence echoed and faded away into nothingness. I had to go on, knowing that I had left him behind with his grief. But I still smiled. “ I know. And I feel the same.”