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The night sky shows no signs of its glitter. And if he would face the mirror, his eyes perhaps reflect the skies’ absent glimmer. It doesn’t disturb him though. He gained one level up to indifference. The outside of the window displays the vast view of darkness. Its gloom stretches up to where his sight can reach. It was dark and bleak and it manifests how he feels at the moment.
But the city underneath is sparkling. It’s full of life even below the ambiguity of the skies. And so he looks at the man sleeping on their bed. He’s like the city. Boisterous with the way he acts, consistently serious with his grind and most importantly, he is full of dreams. He deserves to be this scintillating.
The view beyond the window somehow complements each other. One is dull, the other is dynamic. He hopes that it could be the same for them but he knows it isn’t. This is different as it involves their feelings and not just some scene that a person can exclaim their own opinion about. This is not concerning how they look good together, this is regarding how they live through together.
Stell’s fear of the unknown is growing. It’s mounting up to the point Paulo can no longer bring his feet back to the ground of reality. He was once like him. They both had dreams, huge ones at that. They both had the same vigor. But as time passes, the light keeps on dimming. The candle is melting into a liquid wax and it is scattering in different places—like how his life seems to confuse him and drift him towards the indefinite.
This has been going on for months now. As much as he wants to bring himself to stand straight and walk again, no will has ever touched him. Even an inspiration to continue is difficult to obtain. And it hurts because Paulo is always beside him. Always ever so patient. Always understanding of the situation yet he couldn’t find it in himself to make his lover the source of his strength.
He couldn’t count how many times he had cried inside their bathroom to hide his pain. But as soon as he comes out, Paulo is waiting and ready to give him the tightest embrace and the greatest comfort. It worked for a while. Until it doesn’t.
And his tear ducts seem to be dry as he couldn’t cry anymore.
The situation he’s in is wearying him and at some point, he just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing at all. Because he doesn’t understand how or why it went like this. From having huge dreams to nothing at all. Paulo let him. But he couldn’t do it for days, he still has work to do. A job he once loved but then one day he hates it and now it just feels nothing. And he doesn’t want his feelings for Paulo to go to the point of apathy. No, though. It wouldn’t happen.
Maybe this was the only thing he’s certain—his feelings. He knows he will always love Paulo. But it isn’t enough drive to resume. And if he continues to be like this, Paulo wouldn’t be the same.
All this time, he was wallowing in his own thoughts and emotions he forgot Paulo has his own too. And it sends a punch to his gut and a pierce to his heart thinking that Paulo is hurting because of him. Paulo would always say he likes Stell’s eyes, because it shines. Now that it doesn’t, it must’ve been disturbing him.
The strong shoulder he’s been leaning on for the past months was crying silently inside their room as he got home from work this late afternoon. That was the last straw for Stell.
It must’ve been too hard for him too. Knowing Paulo for six years and loving him for four, the man will always try and do his best for Stell’s happiness. Now that he fails to do so, Stell couldn’t imagine how hurt Paulo is feeling. He couldn’t imagine how Paulo’s been doubting himself or blaming himself for Stell’s sorrow.
The tears are now streaming down his cheeks, he keeps his sobs to himself even if it hurts his chest and it makes him hard to breathe. Nothing is more painful than what he’s feeling now. It’s stinging twice or even thrice more than what he felt the last months. He slumps down the floor, covering his mouth to prevent his cries from being loud. He wanted to wail and scream and even throw things near him but he couldn’t.
His ability to cry came back and he wants to swear all the curse words because it seems like it’s mocking him for what he’s about to do. With all his weak body, he stands up and nears Paulo who’s sleeping soundly. He stares at him for more than three minutes while he cries. His vision is blurry and the room is dark but he achieves to see every point on Paulo’s face. He won’t ever forget this.
“I love you, Pau and I’m sorry. All of this is--is not your fault. And no darkness can cover how bright you shine. You can stop hurting for me now.”
He manages to whisper it all straight through his sobs. And he wishes Paulo hears it and brings it to his heart and mind.
Stell grabs his bag which loads some of his clothes and leaves their humble apartment at three in the morning. Leaving Paulo with no note or anything, just his part of the couple things they own still intact inside, the few clothes he left, and the memories they made.
He’s so sure that this is the best thing to do. He lost himself on the way even if he’s still with him. He couldn’t afford it if Paulo would lose himself too because of him. Because of this fucking indefinite feelings. He needs to find himself again. It might take too long and he doesn’t want to drag Paulo in this vague suffering. And he assures himself that this is the best. He needs to do it alone because the problem itself is just him all along.
His strides are fast enough that he’s already seeing the nearest taxi bay but he halts as he hears an angry shout, “STOP!”
Stell shudders in the cold and in fear as he hears Paulo but no, he needs to get away. So he runs and Paulo continues to yell at him to stop until the man reaches his wrist and breaks them from running. He’s crying like he does. They’re both panting and in tears and no one seems to want to say anything until Stell tries to break free from the hold.
“Pau, I’m sorry but please this is for you—for the best. Let me go!” He pleads but Paulo’s grip is strong.
“How, Stell?! Tell me why you’re leaving me and how this is for the best,” Paulo is angry but he tries his best to not scream at him and that makes Stell cry more.
He doesn’t deserve Paulo. He is way too good for him and all Stell did was to hurt him. That’s why this is the only way.
“I heard you crying,” he admits and Paulo’s eyes widen in shock. The man starts to shake his head and was about to defend himself but Stell continues, “This is my problem, Pau. You know this.”
“I can help, Stell. I’ll always be with you and I’ve always been so patient and I will continue to do so. You don’t have to leave, Stell, please, love. We can do this together, please.” Paulo’s so close to beg to his knees but Stell doesn’t let him. This sight of Paulo with his disheveled hair and face tear-stricken stabs his heart with a sharp kitchen knife, over and over again till it bleeds out all his blood. And maybe he deserves it.
“We’ve been doing that for five months already. Nothing has changed.” All Stell can do is tell the truth even if it hurts both of them more.
And Paulo cries and pleads even more, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Stell. I can do better, I’ll help you more, just please don’t leave.”
Stell loves Paulo so much. He wants them to hold on together and for a second, Stell wants it too. But again, this is his problem. He has been swallowed by darkness, he lost himself and he wants to find it himself. Maybe he really needs help but receiving it from Paulo makes it harder because they are both hurting within each other’s grasp. So maybe instead of healing, it’ll probably result in more lacerations and damage Paulo too in the run. And it’s happening now.
“Paulo, I love you so much but you need to understand that this is not your fault. This is me trying to find my life’s purpose and I don’t want it to be me hurting you. I don’t know, I’m sorry if this sounds like you’re nothing in my life, no. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, please remember.
It’s just that I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I am very much grateful for your love, your patience, and your comfort but I’m so sorry that I can’t find myself to hold that as my strength, as my will to go on. Pau, I’m sorry you’re hurting because of me and this might cause us more problems in the future.” Stell stops to catch his breath from talking and crying at the same time. Paulo doesn’t say anything so he continues.
“I felt angry, I hated myself and at some point, I just didn't want to care about me anymore. I don’t want to help myself anymore. Pau, you might feel the same way about me. I know you. I know you’re mad about this situation, or just straight up angry at me-“
“No, I will never be angry at you, never, Stell.” Paulo cuts him.
“Maybe Pau. But if I stay, you might hate the situation and then the worst is that you won’t care anymore.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.”
They both fall quiet. It’s cold yet Paulo’s hand that still holds him gives a bit of warmth. In a few hours, the sun will rise and its heat will be the one to provide him the warmness he needs. So he basks in Paulo’s hold, one last time.
“I need to go, Pau. I hope you understand.” Paulo doesn’t answer him, “Pau, can you please look at me, hmm?”
He does and Stell smiles a sad one, “I’m sorry if I broke myself while we’re together and now I’m breaking you too. I’m sorry if we end up like this. I don’t want you caged with me as I try to find myself back. I may or may not though, but I will try my best. This might sound unfair to you but this talk with you somehow gave me strength to find and care for myself. I’m sorry but it’s better if I-”
“It’s better if you do this on your own. I understand now, Stell. Sometimes in life, the only one who can help you is yourself. Stop saying sorry anymore, I understand.” Paulo nods, acknowledging where all this is heading. Stell’s free hand reaches for Paulo’s cheek, the man closes his eyes and leans in to the touch.
“Thank you, Pau. Don’t hurt for me anymore, okay? You don’t have to wait for me. You’re free now, Paulo.”
“I love you, Stell.”
“Yeah, me too.” This is it, Stell thinks. And it crumples his heart to think that this is the last.
Paulo leans in to kiss Stell one last time. Their lips stay touching, they don’t move, and it feels more than enough. It tastes bittersweet and Stell will forever remember this. He says that Paulo is free now, he meant it, but at the back of his mind and at the bottom of his heart, he still hopes to come back to him. It's wishful thinking but he won’t say it.
Leaving doesn’t seem too hopeful before yet now, leaving Paulo becomes the drive to continue further. It still is painful. But he hurt Paulo more than ever and he needs to repay it with him being better. It sucks how life can be once happy and then a second after it all crumbles down and gives you the most hated existential crisis to exist. And if fate and Paulo permit, he’ll come back as the night sky with a scene full of stars and a bright full moon to a city that shines as much. Still indefinite, but he’ll come back.