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Dazai stood in front of an elegant black door, sweating bullets internally, but not letting it show in his composed features.
He was nervous, he hadn't been this nervous in years, actually.
What would happen next was an essential part of his current plan.
He needed to get it right in order to have his sweet, sweet Chuuya back. After all, he could pursue him once again, now that the Port Mafia and the Agency had a truce.
Still, he hadn't even started talking to the redhead and everything was already going downhill.
Chuuya no longer lived in their old flat (his prediction had been wrong), and that meant the Chibi had moved on with his life way more than Dazai thought he would.
He had expected Chuuya to throw his stuff away, or change their flat's furniture. Actually moving to another place, though? That was too out of character.
Everyone and their moms knew Chuuya was a stubborn little ball of anger, one that got attached to people and objects easily. Therefore, it didn't make sense for him to just leave all their memories behind.
(He wasn't supposed to be like Dazai.)
Dazai would have to pull through anyway. He considered himself smart and sly enough to come up with something on the spot, if Chuuya ended up being more obstinate than he predicted. Ultimately, no one knew Chuuya better than him.
Breathing in, he knocked the door (See? He was already showing that he had changed by not simply breaking in)... only to be met by loud barking.
Dazai blinked. He knew that Chuuya loved dogs, but the redhead never got one because Dazai despised them.
Maybe he got the wrong address? No, Akutagawa wouldn't lie to him, he literally couldn't.
The boy had been reluctant about giving Chuuya's information, but that in itself didn't ring any alarms, the Chibi must have taken him under his wing when Dazai left. Chuuya had always had a soft spot for kids.
"Nala! Simba! Calm down a little!"
Yeah, that was definitely Chuuya. Dazai's chest bloomed with warmth, the same way it did every time that he heard that voice... whether it was soft, or angry, it didn't matter, he loved all of Chuuya.
The barking stopped and Chuuya opened the door.
He looked so comfortable and homely it was adorable... it also reminded Dazai that it had been four years since he saw Chuuya in anything other than his mafia black suit.
He had his long blazing hair tied in a ponytail (Dazai clenched his hand to avoid playing with those curls), while his tiny body was covered with an oversized 'Bohemian Rhapsody' t-shirt, black joggers, and gray slippers. Clearly, he hadn't been expecting guests.
Dazai wanted to pick him up and pepper kisses all over his face, wanted to take his t-shirt away and grope at his narrow waist like he used to do. But he couldn't, not yet anyway.
Mentally slapping himself (this wasn't the time), he decided to speak up when he saw the utterly confused expression on Chuuya's face.
"Nala and Simba? Really hatrack?"
Chuuya blinked, taking his time to process the unusual situation, and raised an eyebrow, unimpressed (way to go, genius). Dazai could see that he was trying to control his temper, his clenched jaw and tense arms where enough of a sign.
"Elise-chan picked the names." Chuuya gently pushed his dogs back, as they were trying to get in between his legs to leave the flat. "What the fuck are you doing here anyway?"
Dazai gave him his most innocent smile (Chuuya wouldn't buy it, he knew that). "May I come in?"
After a couple of seconds, one of the dogs whined.
Chuuya sighed. "Only because I don't want my babies pushing past me to run around the hallway."
Dazai's smile widened.
He hid a wince when he walked by the dogs, though. They were huge.
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Dazai inspected the living room, every single thing in there was new. There was nothing to remind him of their shared memories.
He looked at the red couch where Nala and Simba were now laying, waging their tails at Chuuya and looking at the redhead like he held the moon and the stars (the same way Chuuya used to look at him, the same way Dazai still looked at Chuuya like, when the Chibi wasn't paying attention).
The couch wasn't the one in which they used to cuddle, or play video games and eat junk food, it wasn't the couch in which they had their first time, and it hurt. Moreover, it was obviously expensive, but it had been bought at least three years ago (three years ago, Chuuya stopped calling him drunk, asking him to please come back, or to say something, anything).
"So?" Chuuya's impatient voice snapped him out of his thoughts.
Dazai lifted his gaze to look at the love of his life in the eyes. This was it.
"I want to apologize," Dazai started straight to the point, the way Chuuya wanted all conversations to be, but he was interrupted by the redhead.
"What for?" Chuuya asked harshly, he was studying him, as if he was looking for something (When did the little Chibi become so hard to read?).
Dazai swallowed. He could do this, he had to go through way worse, and do far more difficult task (he ignored the little voice in his head telling him that his experience didn't matter, because this was Chuuya, and he was unpredictable when it came to things that mattered).
"For a lot of things, for not being... the best boyfriend when we were together, for dragging you to the mafia only to abandon you, for not leaving at least a letter explaining my actions to you, and for leaving you alone after using corruption." He paused, organizing his thoughts properly. "I had to abandon the mafia, but I have no excuses for having cast you aside, you deserved better than that, you deserve the world, Chuuya."
He used his name instead of a nickname on purpose. Chuuya needed to know that he was serious.
He also decided to not mention that he wanted Chuuya to leave the mafia and join the side that saved lives, to take his place next to Dazai, where he belonged. He needed to gain his trust back first.
After a few seconds, Chuuya broke the piercing silence. He was calmer, now.
"What about my car? You put a bomb in it, I could have died."
He actually had an explanation for that one. Great!
"I put it to make sure the mafia didn't question your loyalty, it was placed in the back seats to make sure you wouldn't die." He had been 100% sure that Chuuya was going to be just fine after the bomb exploded.
Slowly, Chuuya nodded, then, he looked at something behind Dazai, and a small smile appeared in his face. He looked as angelic as the last time he saw him smile, something that felt like eons ago, he couldn't believe he had survived this long without seeing his little sun.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could make out that Chuuya was zeroing on a picture of said redhead with the Akutagawas, Higuchi, Elise, Kouyou, Kyoka, Q, Hirotsu and Kajii in what looked like an Amusement Park. They looked... happy, blissful even.
"You are forgiven, then."
Dazai actually balked. What?
"Just like that?" He has to ask because what the hell? He knew Chuuya was as loyal as one can get, and extremely forgiving, but that had been simply too easy.
Chuuya chuckled, and went to crouch in front of Nala (she was heavily pregnant, Dazai noted).
"Dazai, I forgave you ages ago."
The detective was honestly lost, and he realized that Chuuya was the only one who could make him this confused without even trying.
"But... why?"
Chuuya started to pet the golden retriever. "I needed to move on," he said, as if it were that simple.
Perhaps, to Chuuya, it was.
"I cried and raged, for a long, long time, but then Ane-san decided to voice her thoughts 'You need to forgive, learn, and move on, lad, you already shed enough tears because of a man that left you behind' she said."
Dazai was starting to see where this was going, and he didn't like it.
Chuuya gave him another one of his oh so dazzling smiles. "So that's what I did, I forgave you because I needed to go on with my life, I learned and started avoiding people like you whenever I could help it."
Then, he tilted his head, a sign that he was considering saying something else (at least that pretty gesture hadn't changed), and ultimately decided to do so.
He stood up and walked to be right in front of Dazai, he had to lift his neck in order to see the detective's face properly. "I knew what you wanted the moment I saw you at my door, but I can't give it to you, I just can't be in a relationship with you."
Dazai felt like a statue. He wanted to run away and never look back (Chuuya didn't want him anymore), but he had to try, at least one last time.
He used to be the demon prodigy for fuck's sake, he could do this. Chuuya never saw him as a demon, though, he never felt afraid of him.
(He used to be full of cocky smirks and hard kicks, but not fear, never fear.)
"Please, Chuuya, I miss you." Dazai cupped the redhead's freckled cheeks with his hands. "You are it for me, Chibi, we are soulmates, you know that."
The universe, or god, or whatever was up there, it insisted on them being together. They would always come back to each other. Dazai believed that, Chuuya used to belive that too, What had changed?
(He had left him, that's what.)
"Osamu, listen, I had a horrible experience with you, you shattered my heart, I was only able to heal thanks to the help of my family, of the mafia." Chuuya took his hands and moved them away from his face. "I just can't bring myself to love you like that again, and I shouldn't have to."
Dazai's lip trembled, this wasn't supposed to happen, they were soukoku, Chuuya was his, and he was Chuuya's. So why? Why did he keep losing every single person he cared about?
"You can't do this to us, just please give me a chance, I'm so sorry, you have no idea just how much." Dazai pleaded, putting his ego aside, and trying to convey through his eyes that he meant it. He wasn't lying, he would never lie to Chuuya again.
Chuuya's face, which had previously been soft and understanding (something he didn't deserve, since Chuuya was too good for him, but he was a selfish man), hardened.
Now he had done it.
"I'm not doing anything! You fucking did, Dazai, and I just adapted, because contrary to popular belief, my life does not, in fact, revolve around you."
Chuuya took a step back, breathing heavy like he did every time his temper exploded in the worst ways. It was not the steel cold fury that Chuuya's enemies fell pray to, but that of a boiling volcano that few people could elicit
"I don't want to be friends with you, and I certainly don't want to be your boyfriend once again," He huffed. "Just looking at you hurts me, and whatever you want to have isn't worth it, I don't want to go through that ever again."
He then muttered to himself, something along the lines of: "Can't believe I tried to be empathic with such an asshole."
Shit, shit, shit.
Dazai was officially desperate. "I changed Chuuya! A swear I did! For me, for you, for us."
Chuuya swore under his breath, and started taking even deeper breaths. Then, almost impossibly quietly, he whispered, "It doesn't matter, you hurt me in the past, and that's a valid reason for not wanting anything to do with you."
"Chuuya! Are you hearing yourself? It's in the past, just like you said, are you seriously going to give up what we can have because I was a dumbass when I was an eighteen years old brat?" Dazai asked, sounding quite a bit astonished.
It just wasn't like Chuuya to give up on anything, the redhead was the one that was always insisting in fighting for what he considered important. Where was all this negativity even coming from?
"The fact that you've changed, or that the nonsense you put me through happened a long time ago," Chuuya started, slowly, dangerously, "Doesn't invalidate my feelings, past and present, and it does not mean I'm required to give you back the knife to see if you will stab me again or not!"
As he seethed, Chuuya lifted his arms to the ceiling in pure frustation, and, for a second, everything in the room was engulfed in a red light. Upon The Tainted Sorrow lifting all the objects a little over the ground.
Dazai grabbed his wrist just as fast. Letting No Longer Human cancel Chuuya's ability before the argument started to get worse than it already was.
Chuuya's eyes flickered over Dazai's hand. It was so much bigger and paler than his. He used to love those hands with all his heart.
He calmed down. Freaking out would get him nowhere, especially in a conversation with Dazai Osamu.
"My answer is no." Chuuya stared at him dead in the eyes (it took all of Dazai's will not to get lost in those ocean eyes, they were just the perfect shade of blue). "If you want to show me that you've really changed, you will respect that, and you will need no other reason as to why I don't want nor need you again in my life, other than because I said so."
Dazai bit his lower lip. He noticed that he should play the long game, Chuuya clearly wasn't going to come back to his arms after just one chat.
"Will you at least think about it some more?"
Dazai watched the Chibi argue with himself in his head once again. Then, slowly, a blush appeared at the tip of his ears, and he started to unconsciously play with his curls.
(Seriously, Dazai had not been expecting that at all.)
Dazai almost sagged in relief and hope, maybe his petite mafia still felt something for him. However, Chuuya decided to explain his behavior, simultaneously crushing his dreams.
"I have... someone else in mind, I honestly think I fell in love again."
Dazai fell to his knees. So he really didn't have a chance anymore, did he? He destroyed everything he could have had with his Chuuya... no, just Chuuya, he wasn't his, anymore, he couldn't keep thinking like that.
"For what is worth, I really love you, always have," Dazai whispered.
Chuuya kneeled in order to make eye contact, but Dazai kept his gaze on the ground. "I know, but sometimes love isn't enough." He patted his head (he wouldn't do that ever again).
"Besides, I'm not your Chuuya anymore, I've changed, a lot."
Dazai was beginning to see that. He should have come to Chuuya sooner, or better yet, take him with him when he decided to leave.
"I'm just someone that you used to know, but not anymore." Chuuya grabbed his hand and easily lifted him up (he was so strong, and Dazai, Dazai wasn't).
"You should do what I did, yeah?"
"Cry, forgive, learn, move on?" He mumbled. "You didn't do anything wrong, I can't forgive you for doing nothing".
Chuuya started leading him to the door, and hummed.
"Forgive yourself, then."
Dazai opened the door on his own. He hated it, he hated it so much (so dark and elegant, it looked almost mocking... maybe he was going crazy), but he hated himself even more.
Nala and Simba didn't approach the door this time. They probably knew that the situation wasn't... the best, right now.
"Don't do anything crazy, Mackerel," He said. 'Don't kill yourself for something that was already lost a long time ago' He meant.
With one last longing look, Dazai spoke, softer than ever. "Yeah... yeah, I won't."
Chuuya would feel guilty if he did, he would probably cry, too, and he already hurt him enough, he didn't want to do that anymore.
"Good bye, Dazai."
The door closed.
Dazai walked with his head in the clouds until he made it to his apartment. His cold, lonely, and dirty apartment.
He burst into silent tears the moment he made it to the bathroom.
Maybe in another world, he would be the one to pick up the pieces of Chuuya's heart. But not in this one.
(Here, he just broke everything he touched, and wasn't there to fix the mess.)
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