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“But today, I drove through the suburbs, Crying ‘cause you weren’t around.”
Yet again Wylan had walked past the Crow Club without going in, but it wasn't the same without Jesper. Why was he doing this to himself again? This building used to be a happy place that he spent with his friends, in a way it was their home, but after Jesper, it turned into a dreaded place. These past couple of months, Wylan has tried to gain the courage to enter the club and return to a peaceful state of mind, but his emotions always got the better of him. Usually, in a situation like this, he would run to Jesper and calm down. The problem with that would be the fact that Jesper left him. With his current situation, Wylan had to go in this time. He left some of his mother’s sheet music in his old room and needed to pick them up. They were one of the last pieces he ever played with his mother. So, after an hour of pacing back and forth, he finally went in.
The smell of the Crow Club through Wylan into a trance of nostalgia, every nook, and cranny of this place held significance to him. When he looked at the bar, all he could see was the time he and Nina were laughing at Matthias’s uncomfortable face, as he was being hit on by multiple girls that evening and they wouldn't leave him alone. Walking up the stairs reminded him of the time he and Jesper were roughhousing on them and Jesper tumbled down them breaking his arm. Boy was he mad at Wylan for a while. Finally, when walking into his old bedroom, Wylan recalled a peaceful memory that made his eyes well up with tears.
Three months ago, to the date, he woke up in his bed like normal, opening his eyes and immediately looking next to him seeing his beloved sound asleep. He always thought Jesper was a pretty sleeper, especially in the mornings. The sun would reflect off of his skin, creating an illusion that Jesper was made out of gold; his long eyelashes rested upon his cheeks, hiding away the beautiful honey colored eyes underneath. Every morning, without fail, Wylan’s breath was taken away by his lover’s beauty creating the perfect wake up environment.
“Good morning my love,” Jesper mumbles into the pillow with his gravelly morning voice.
“Morning Jes,” Wylan replies immediately, cuddling up to his beloved’s chest relishing in the morning sun.
“What time is it?” Jesper grumbles, “Kaz wants me to go on a job today.” Upon hearing the request, Wylan leans over to look at the nightstand figuring out the time.
“It’s only 7:45 we have another two hours.” He whined, cuddling further into the body next to him, it’s not like Jesper had any complaints, taking Wylan further into his arms. Mornings like these were their favorites, they were slow and uneventful, meaning they could just relish in each other’s company. The memory became too much for Wylan, causing him to cry even harder and run out of the room. The memories of his relationship with his forever love, Jesper Fahey, are still too raw.
“And you’re probably with that blond girl, who always made me doubt…”
Walking back into the main area, Wylan subconsciously looks over at the gambling tables, a place where he and Jesper would spend most of his time in the establishment. He can still see the numerous times he would drag Jesper away from the tables after losing almost all of his money, scolding his lover as he pulled him away. It also reminded Wylan of the many times he scooped Jesper away from the girls who flirted with his boyfriend on the daily. They would always claim that he was their lucky charm and threw a wink in Jesper’s direction.
Even with the constant reassurance from Jesper, Wylan always had insecurity floating around in the back of his mind. It didn’t help that Jesper always went out gambling and was found with the same blond girl numerous times. A variety of people came up to Wylan, asking about Jesper’s girlfriend, breaking his heart every time as it was a mutual decision to hide their relationship. The reputation of The Crows meant they risked their lives every day, a romantic relationship becoming public knowledge could mean death, a homosexual one at that.
Wylan has never personally met the girl, but he has seen her. She looks older, much more mature than Wylan, something he has always struggled with. It started with the abuse from his father because of his severe dyslexia. This made it impossible for him to take over his father’s shipping empire, leaving his planned legacy behind. The verbal abuse corrupted the boy’s mind making him feel like an immature child. Why would Jesper want to date an immature crybaby like Wylan when he could be with someone smarter? The thoughts and what-ifs plagued his mind, he even convinced himself that Jesper would be happier in a heterosexual relationship. This girl would become the wrench in their relationship after Wylan asked about her one day.
“...She’s everything I’m insecure about.”
“And I know we weren’t perfect but I’ve never felt this way for no one.”
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about Wylan, I’m just going gambling!” Jesper yelled one day after being exhausted from a mission.
“Every time you go, you get drunk and that blond girl always hangs on your arm!” Wylan exclaimed back. He was rightfully upset, every time he brought her up, Jesper would become
uncharacteristically defensive, setting off alarms in Wylan’s mind.
“She’s just a friend Wylan, you need to stop being so insecure, and trust me!”
The room got quiet, like time froze altogether. Wylan’s eyes meet Jesper’s for what felt like forever. A flood of emotions rushed into his head, the one person who was supposed to understand his insecurities downright admitted it was a hindrance. He sees Jesper’s mouth opening and closing his mouth trying to get an apology out, but looks too shocked at his own actions to do anything. Wylan took the opportunity to run out of the room, crashing into people as he went. He turned his head to see if Jesper was following him; when he did he saw Jesper on the floor with the blond girl lying on top of him. Giving it a second, Wylan never saw Jesper push her off and with all rationality thrown out of the window he just ran. Throughout the entire situation Wylan never once felt an ounce of anger. Yes he was upset and felt betrayed, but his love for Jesper outweighed his other feelings. This fight was just another bump in the road, they’ll make up soon, right?
Wrong. This fight tore them apart worse than before. Jesper was out every night gambling his earnings away, while Wylan stayed in his room distracting himself with music. He felt like a little kid again, using music to distract himself from his bad thoughts. The only difference now is that this time he was truly alone. He joined the Crows long after Jespers did, meaning he didn’t have as good of a relationship with them. They would say that Wylan was being too insecure and needed to calm down. That he was overreacting. His father used to tell him the same things. Situations like this made Wylan miss his mother, she would understand his point of view.
“God, I’m so blue, know we’re through but I still fuckin’ love you babe.”
Coming back into the room, Wylan realized he had been zoned out for a while. Clutching the sheet music in his arms, Wylan takes one last look at the Crow Club, mentally saying his goodbyes to his past life. Opening the door let the cool Ketterdam air blow into Wylan’s face bringing him back to reality and allowing him to think about his current life. Reliving some of these memories helped him realize how much he has already healed. It was reminiscent of the time when he found out his father’s true thoughts about him. He still loves Jesper with his whole heart, but their relationship turned toxic. It wasn't worth anymore heartbreak, sleepless nights, and jealous fights.
While walking away from the club for the last time, an old conversation with his father plays in his head. It was when they were talking about his company and what Wylan was going to do for the rest of his life. In short it was about Wylan’s legacy. What was he going to do with his life? Because of his dyslexia he couldn't take over his father’s empire and now he can’t do anything involving the Crows. Then it struck him, his legacy didn’t have to be all about money like his father, about his ability to be a good gang member, or a sharp shooter. He just had to be himself. Something that he hasn't been in a long time. Wylan was something of a people pleaser, always wanting to make sure everyone liked him, surely something his father brought out of him from a young age.
This day was the day that Wylan Van Eck made a promise to himself. A promise that he would never become a victim to Ketterdam’s clutches of greed and lust. He wanted to be the person that set the example of a role model, not because he had the most money or prietties partner, but one that set a good example. Wylan wanted to become his true self and that's exactly what he is setting out to do.