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It’s a typical Tuesday night, I’m listening to music while trying to study in my room, and I can hear the yelling coming from outside my window. I try to look, and, in that moment, I see them straight away, her calming blue eyes, and beautiful plumped lips. They are always the first thing I notice. Today is different though, because today there is sadness in her eyes, and it hurts me to see them like that. Her name is Clarke, and I have loved her since the day I could remember. We were childhood friends, but time changed, we changed and high school came and now we are no longer close like we use to be. Now I’m just the friendly nerd next door. And that’s fine because at least I still get to see her every day from across the window.
Clarke is on the phone, to her boyfriend, the pretty and perfect Finn. They are arguing, normally it’s because Finn is upset about something Clarke said, because Clarke’s funny and Finn doesn’t get her humour like I do. He doesn’t even like the same music she listens to. And he will never know her story the way that I do.
Finn is perfect and well I’m not; he wears tights shirts and I wear vest shirts, He’s captain of the cheer squad and I’m just on the bleachers dreaming about the day when Clarke will wake up and find that what she’s looking for has been with me the whole time. But Clarke will never see me though.
After Clarke ends the phone call, she looks over at me. Crap, I was staring too long, now she thinks I’m a freak. But instead, she smiles, sad, but smiling. I want to comfort her, but I can’t, so I communicate to her like we always do, I grab my notebook and I write, “You, Okay?” enough to show concern but not to look like I’m prying. “Tired of drama” she replies, it kills me, she could be rid of the drama, and she could be at peace, with me. But she’s not. “Sorry” is all I can reply, I want to say more but I can’t. She looks back shrugging but thankful. Then I have this sense of courage, this moment it’s perfect, and so I write… but when I look up, she’s gone, curtains drawn. I’m holding up the note waiting for the next moment that may never come. “I Love You.” If only she can see that I’m the one who understands her. I have been her all along, if only she can see that she belongs with me.
It was a few days later, I was sitting on a bench, reading C.S Lewis for the hundredth time. I’m in the park and it’s a nice sunny day. I look up and she’s there, walking over to me, I start to sweat, panicking. She sits next to me; her long blonde hair and her smile that could light up this whole town. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it like that, since Finn brought her down, Clarke says she fine, but I know her better than that. I start to wonder what she’s doing with a boy like that. I’m staring and she’s talking again, but I’m not listening, she talks a lot, but still, I am not listening, she laughs and it’s the perfect sound, and so I listen, and I stare. I start to think how this is easy; and that this is how it’s meant to be. Clarke moves her hand to my hair, brushing them over my ear. And then I think this is the moment. But it’s not. Because the perfect moment is ruined. Ruined by him. He drives up in his perfect red convertible. Wearing his perfect new sneakers, while I’m sat here in my comfortable shoes. Clarke doesn’t hesitate as she gets up and walks over and gets in the car, just as Finn kisses her, he gives me the coldest stare. But I stare back knowing she doesn’t belong with him because she belongs with me.
On game day, Finn is cheerleading with the cheer squad, while I’m on the bleachers performing in the school band, dreaming about the day when Clarke wakes up and finds that I’m the one she’s looking for and I’ve been here this whole time. Clarke
is playing the game, I can’t help but watch her play. As always, she plays perfectly and of course she scores the winning touchdown. I can see the smile on Clarke’s face, it lights up the entire world. I look on proud and even more in love. Clarke doesn’t see me though; she’s looking for him. I watch as Clarke approaches Finn who’s distracted by another girl. Clarke looks upset but he doesn’t care. I watch them argue, Clarke looking hurt but mostly annoyed. I want to hug her, make her feel better but I can’t. If only Clarke could see her worth, that I’m the one who understands her, why can’t she see that she belongs with me? I watch with concern as Clarke walks away from Finn and the game.
Back at home, I’m trying to study, but I can’t concentrate. How can I? When I voluntarily leave my curtains open knowing she’s just across the window. I can see her in her bedroom, she’s getting ready for the dance. And my god she is beautiful, she is wearing the most amazing dress I have ever seen. As I admire Clarke looks up, she sees me looking but I don’t care, because she’s worth it. She picks up her notebook, so I pick up mine. “Are you going tonight?” I want to go but studying is more important and I-, god look at her, I want to go so bad but only with her. “No, studying” is all I can reply. She won’t miss me there anyway. “Wish you were” she responds back with a little frown. I laugh because, why? Why would she wish I were going? But when Clarke gets up, her face is sad and has this expression on her face, she’s disappointment and I know, I know because I understand her. But what does this mean?
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I’m at the dance and it’s not fun at all, times are only fun when I’m with her; whether it be sitting on a park bench trying to make her smile, moving her hair so I can see her eyes sparkle. Or driving to her house in the middle of the night because she’s the one who makes me laugh, especially when she knows I’m about to cry. She knows my favourite songs and I can tell her all my dreams. I wish she was here with me; I wish she could see. I know where I belong, and I know it’s with her. If only she could see that she’s the one who understands me, and she has been here all along. So why can’t Lexa see that she belongs with me
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I’m nervous, what am I doing? I’m wearing this stupid suit, just hoping she will see me. But I know that I must do this, because god made me, and god knows that I need to do this and so I’m doing this! I’m going to make Clarke see me for the nerdy girl I am.
She’s the first person I see, in her white dress, her long blonde hair, god she is perfect. Everyone is staring at me, it’s this ridiculous suit, it’s because for once I’m not at home studying. Either way I don’t care, it’s not them I am here for. And just like that, like she sensed I was here, she turns around and she looks straight at me. And she’s walking. Why is she walking? She’s walking towards me. Is this real? Finn tries to stop her, but her eyes don’t leave mine. And then she’s here, in front of me. Looking at me like it’s the first time she’s ever seen me. She grabs me by the neck, and her lips press against mine, soft and sweet. I pull away in disbelieve. I can’t help but smile, she smiles back. She goes for her purse, and I reach for my pockets, and both at the same time, we communicate like we always do, a note, we hold them up “I Love You.”
Who knew that after all this time that we both knew that I belonged with you, and you belonged with me.