Chapter 1: Daemon Must Die!
Summary:
This is a parody of Jesus Must Die from the musical, Jesus Christ Superstar. It is the male members of the Greens' reaction to Daemon and Rhaenyra marrying early than in canon.
Notes:
Source: https://genius.com/Jesus-christ-superstar-original-studio-cast-this-jesus-must-die-lyrics
Chapter Text
113 AC
King’s Landing
Septon Eustace:
Good Ser Otto, the council waits for you.
The lords and knights are here for you.
Ser Otto Hightower:
Ah, gentlemen, you know why we are here.
We’ve not much time and quite a problem here.
Smallfolk Outside:
Lord Flea Bottom! Prince of the City!
Ser Criston Cole:
Listen to that howling mob of sinners in the street!
A trick or two with dragons and the whole’s town on its feet.
All: Septon Eustace, Ser Otto Hightower, Ser Criston Cole, and Lord Jasper Wylde:
He is dangerous.
Smallfolk Outside:
Prince Daemon, the Rogue Prince
Tell us that you’re who we say you are.
All:
He is dangerous.
Ser Criston Cole:
That prince is in town right now with his whore to whip up some support.
Lord Jasper Wylde:
A rabble rousing mission that I think we must abort.
All:
He is dangerous
Smallfolk Outside:
Prince Daemon, the Rogue Prince!
All:
He is dangerous
Septon Eustace:
Look Ser Otto, they're right outside our yard.
Ser Criston Cole:
Quick, Ser Otto, go call the King’s Guard.
Ser Otto:
No, wait. We need a more permanent solution to our problem.
Septon Eustace:
What then to do about Prince Daemon Targaryen,
Seducer of princesses, hero of the Gold Cloaks?
Lord Jasper Wylde:
A dragon, an army, and control of the fool king’s heir.
Ser Criston Cole:
We dare not leave him to his own device.
His sinful followers will get out of control.
Lord Jasper Wylde:
But how can we stop him? His power increases
By leaps every minute.
Ser Otto Hightower:
I see bad things arising. The crowd crowns his wife Queen
Which the Citadel would despise.
I see blood and destruction. Aegon elimination’s
Because of one prince.
Blood and destruction because of one prince.
All:
Because, because, because of one prince.
Ser Otto Hightower:
Our elimination because of one prince.
All:
Because, because, because of one,
Cause of one, cause of one prince.
Lord Jasper Wylde:
What then to do about this Daemon worship?
Septon Eustace:
How do we deal with the Prince of the city?
Ser Otto Hightower:
Fools! You have no perception!
The stakes we are gambling with are frighteningly high!
We must crush him completely
So like Aemma before him, this Daemon must die.
For the sake of Prince Aegon, this Daemon must die.
All:
Must die, must die, this Daemon must die!
Ser Otto Hightower:
So like Aemma before him, this Daemon must die.
All:
Must die, must die, this Daemon must
Targaryen must, Daemon must die.
Chapter 2: Me!
Summary:
This is a parody of Me! from the Beauty and the Beast Broadway musical. It sums up what I think Robert and Lyanna's relationship was like in canon.
Notes:
Source: https://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/disneysbeautyandthebeast/me.htm
Chapter Text
Lord Robert Baratheon:
You’ve been dreaming, just one dream.
Nearly all your life.
Hoping, Dreaming, just one theme:
Will you be a wife?
Will you be some lord’s property?
Good news! That lord’s me!
This equation, lady plus lord
Doesn't help just you.
On occasion, women can
Have their uses too
Mainly to extend the family tree.
Lady, extend with me!
We'll be raising sons galore.
Lady Lyanna Stark:
Inconceivable!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
Each built six foot four!
Lady Lyanna Stark:
Unbelievable!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
Each stuffed with every Baratheon gene!
Lady Lyanna Stark:
I'm not hearing this!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
You'll be keeping house with pride!
Lady Lyanna Stark:
Fucking cunt!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
Oh so gratified
Lady Lyanna Stark:
I would die before I marry you!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
That you are a part of this idyllic scene.
Picture this: Storm’s End,
my latest kill roasting in the kitchen,
my little wife massaging my feet, while
the little ones play on the floor with the dogs.
We'll have six or seven!
Lady Lyanna Stark:
Direwolves?
Lord Robert Baratheon:
No, Lyanna! Strapping boys...like me!
Lady Lyanna Stark:
Never in the Seven Hells!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
I can see that we will share
All that love implies.
We shall be a perfect pair
Rather like my thighs.
You are face to face with destiny!
All roads lead to...
The best things in life are...
All's well that ends with me!
Escape me? There's no way
Certain as "Do, Re,"
Lyanna, when you marry…
So Lyanna, what would it be?
Is it "yes", or is it "oh, yes”?
Lady Lyanna Stark:
I...I just don't deserve you!
Lord Robert Baratheon:
Who does?
ME!
FeralG4 on Chapter 1 Thu 19 May 2022 11:27AM UTC
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