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Mr Potter, The Gryffindor Incarnate

Summary:

Harry Potter wants something so badly but he's just so bad in getting it that he nearly rips his trousers to two and sets fire to an innocent fancy pair he doesn't remember getting (probably Tom's choice). Still Harry won't stop and nobody can stop him.

Is it?

A one-shot crack fic for those who have lost their braincells. Welcome!

Notes:

Honourable mention: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me. It belongs to You-Know-Who. I'm just an asshole who loved to fuck things up.

Here you go! Another part of my drunk-self idea. This time, I'm prettty sure it isn't as disgusting (I can hear my friend's sigh of relief as I'm typing this) as the previous fic. So enjoy everyone! Oh btw, if anyone has any tags they'd like to suggest, pls do cuz the me who's editing this story is the sleep deprived one sooo S.O.S (cuz I have to maintain some form of incoherency so no choice but to write while sleep deprived)
warning: unbetaed work. Enjoy!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Today’s the day Harry will definitely succeed in his endeavour. There have been several attempts before alas, the results are looking grim. Again and again, they are only to be doomed with failure after another. As the attempts grow in number, Harry slowly starts to get slightly nervous too, but he can’t possibly stop trying. Not like he can’t stop now… Harry refuses from staying in this position although he’s getting more nervous each day and scared of the outcome. His obstacle is not to be laughed at, not even for a little bit. This is serious. He’s nervous beyond words.

 

Whatever he has accumulated in his rather interesting 20 years of living on this Earth, facing many dangerous situations yet none has ever made him this scared:

 

Exhibit A:

Of course in every magical school there have to be some magical occasional break ins, a handsome senior once told him it’s a normal thing. So, there was this one day where a gigantic mountain troll came strolling for a night walk while they’re all having dinner and coincidentally his best friend was having a row with them, sulking in a girl’s lavatory. Oh no sir, Harry was no coward, he didn’t shy away from the said troll nor did he shy away from walking into the ladies’. He went straight with Ron into the lavatory and fought with the monstrous creature who had a club in hand and Harry knew only one spell. It was very shameful to admit his incompetence, but it wasn’t like he used the bloody spell anyway, he opted to stick his damn wand into the troll’s nostril. Somehow it worked like magic! The troll sneezed and Ron managed to get his levitating spell right for the first time hence they were saved (luckily).

 

Exhibit B:

Nature. Habitats. Animals. Pft, common things. All of those, except they’re all magical. There had to be a thousand ways on how it could go wrong, couldn’t it? Well, there was this one year where Harry couldn’t make it to Hogwarts Express but fret not, Ron was there as well. They had this one smart idea of driving a car to school. Smart ain’t it? Despite an absence of licence on Ron’s part, it’s fine because the car was no ordinary car, it was a magical car . Wizards didn’t print out a licence because they weren’t driving on the road, they were driving by flying in the air (if that even made sense). They should’ve got suspended from the school for they might’ve been spared from the next horror to come. However, by this point, everybody knew that trouble just simply adored Harry and sought him whenever possible. Which was why it came in the form of a tarantula named Aragog but trouble had a different idea. Why should it settle for one tarantula when it could have the entire arachnoid family chasing Harry in once again, the Forbidden forest? Thankfully he was saved with a spell from the same handsome senior who by accident told him the previous night like he knew Harry would be in much, much bigger trouble if he didn't know the spell, such a kind person!

 

Exhibit C:

When he was in year 5, a centaur that could possibly strangle his beautiful delicate neck made a conversation with him in the middle of the Forbidden Forest (Harry didn’t want to, but he was asked to be in the forest… as a detention of course). Harry replied in kind with fiery enthusiasm despite knowing zero knowledge about what the creature is talking about. In his defence, Harry didn’t really read astronomy stuff, he had help with studying using a secret technique he wouldn’t ever ever reveal to the world (which involved a lot of caressing and whispering in the ears from a certain handsome senior). But again, he wasn’t scared of conversing with a talking smart horse that could kill him. Then the same said centaur went ahead and brought down a toad-like teacher who meddled with Hogwarts, Harry wasn’t complaining at all, he had his mouth zipped tight. 

 

There are many other adventures that Harry can put them into account (even if he’s excluding his adventure whilst using his Invisibility Cloak) but they’re all pale against tonight’s adversary. 

 

What kind of situation can possibly make Harry this nervous despite being Gryffindor’s golden poster boy for seven solid years? 

 

Well Harry might have, might have not, dated the said senior who urm— has helped him in school. Oh, the one who's kind and all that fluff, but he’s just getting too much as years go by (actually he has seen this coming, but for Harry, red means go!). In their six years relationship, Tom has turned from handsomely tolerable to still handsomely, but intolerable. Why? He’s demanding too much from Harry! 

 

Harry don’t do this! Harry don’t do that! Harry, no. Harry, are you listening to me?

 

He’s listening, you asshat! It’s just he doesn’t want to listen, listen to Tom. So he wants to break up. A clean, fair, break up! But dear Tom just has to make it difficult. The first time he tried, Tom spectacularly rejected it saying it wasn’t sincere enough then he proceeded to show him his toothy sexy smirk with hooded eyes on his stupid face and his legs spread just enough for Harry to fit in. What else could he do except for sliding in? They fucked that night and it was painfully good.

 

So the first attempt failed, fine. Then Harry tried again a few weeks after that. He wrote a list of reasons why they should break up and they sounded so convincing to his ears but when he showed it to his best friends, they only laughed and called him silly (Harry suspects that his best friends love Tom more than him). Therefore, he forwent the useless advice and just went straight for the kill, which was telling Tom. Yet he stuttered in the middle and cried for absolutely whatsoever reason. Tom had to console him the whole night and fed him treacle tarts (Tom's own recipe). 

 

From the second attempt, to the third then the fourth until Harry can’t possibly count them anymore. They all just somehow failed embarrassingly. It’s hard, Harry knows that because Tom is a force to be reckoned with, which is why tonight Harry will practice his break up speech.

 

He just finished his piece this morning, his friends won’t be much of a helping hand so Harry’s doing this by himself. No big deal. Afterall, Harry’s a responsible colourblind adult. He inhales the air deep into his lung,

 

“Dear my love Tom Marvolo Riddle, my boyfriend, my little snake, my um– handsome bastard…?” okay, he doesn’t remember writing that bit but he can work with this. Tom’s indeed handsome and this is an undeniable fact, Harry’s technically not lying but telling what he's feeling along with his desire to break up therefore no harm done. 

 

“You’re handsome to look at, but if only your behaviour is just as handsome. Yeah Harry! You can do this.” Harry punches his fist in the air, “Tom, why the hell are you so… um, I don’t think this will work. Maybe I have to change from handsome to annoying… yeah, that’ll work. Tom, why the hell are you so annoying? You annoy me so much with your possessive streak. I can’t do a lot of things because of y–”

 

CRUNCH.

 

What the hell? Who just ruined his perfect practice session? Harry once again inhales deeply and exhales slowly. Don’t worry he can try again.

 

“Dear–”

 

CRUNCH

 

Now that’s getting annoying. He wants to cast a silencio but right now he doesn’t have his wands and is too lazy to take it. Well, maybe this is one of the time he must tolerate. So he better get his words right before Tom gets home.

 

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

 

This is too much and too annoying so Harry immediately heads downstairs to check upon the damn offender. Somebody might have broken their wards around their house because the last time he checked, Tom’s rather zealous in putting whatever nerdy wards he knows, it’s impossible to break them considering how meticulous his boyfriend can be, but trouble likes him right?

 

Harry’s not taking any damn chances considering his stellar record in getting in trouble thus he grabs his wand from the kitchen. Tonight he’ll get the break up that he wants, not even a snotty mountain troll with a club or stupid spider and its whole family or a rag-look-alike ghost who sucks soul can destroy his mission. 

 

When he moves to the dinner table, he notices the plate where he puts the cookies is gone. Realisation dawns on him, somebody has taken Tom’s cookies. Boy, Harry’s seeing red, that culprit(s) will surely return home in a very much different shape. So he inspects the whole house but nothing seems amiss. Ah! He forgot to check the living room. Tom’s a fussy person, hence their house design has many rooms that Harry doesn't think they’re necessary but Tom has a genius mind, he’s very creative. They have used most of the rooms for a very different purpose than what the room is specifically intended for. 

 

Not that he’s complaining when his muscles ache in a delicious way the next day. 

 

He sprints to the living room to inspect it quickly just so he can go back to his room to practice his speech. They’re breaking up, tonight, and dot. 

 

But his trouble-o’meter flares up. 

 

Knock, knock, knock

Tom’s here . His hubby is here and Harry’s not yet ready for his speech. Now what should he do to get his desired break up?

 

Fuck it! Might as well die while trying to do it. If taking Tom's cock doesn’t kill him in the middle of the bed, this one won’t as well! Harry’ll survive as he always does.

 

Inhale and exhale, he’s ready to break up with Tom.

 

Like a good boyfriend (househusband) he is, Harry opens the door for Tom when actually the other party could’ve just done so. Harry’s being nice so Tom’ll be nice as well and he might just let him go even if he botched his speech tonight. Then when he sees his boyfriend’s face he greets him happily, “Tommy, Welcome home! I miss you soo sooo much I can die!” 

 

Tom and his ever smug expression, smirks at Harry, like he knows something is up but Harry’s sure his acting is spectacular that he can win an Oscar. “Darling, I miss you as well. Now be a dear and take my case upstairs, will you?” See? Nothing’s amiss, Harry wins an Oscar.

 

With as much eagerness he has with quidditch, he brings Tom’s briefcase upstairs in a flash. Tom Marvolo Fucking Riddle will fucking agree to this break up tonight. Oh, before he makes another mistake, it’s better for him to review his speech once again. 

 

Bla bla bla bla bla, okay done, then he incinerates the paper for good measure before going downstairs.

 

In the living room, Tom’s already undressed himself leaving only his dress shirt and trousers (his dress shirt shorts of two buttons). Harry immediately hugs his lover’s side, “Tommy?”

 

“Yes darling?”

 

“Um-” Fuck, he’s forgotten his script. Although he’s pretty sure it doesn’t start with Tommy. Now what should he do? The paper’s gone for good.

 

Tom, the ever saint, seems to sense his distress as he caresses Harry’s hair gently, “Darling? What’s wrong?” But Harry can’t possibly say, no sweet baby boo, I’m just thinking of breaking up with you now can he?

 

Fuck, he fucked up. No worries, he remembers some bits here and there… he can do this… he gulps, “Tom– Boyfriend– handsome– handsome– no, annoying? Handsome? Urgh!!” It’s so frustrating, Harry cries on his boyfriend’s shoulder. As if on cue, the older guides Harry to the couch and positions him on his lap. Harry keeps on crying, unaware of the gesture or the fact he’s already on Tom’s lap.

 

Tom rubs Harry’s back and consoles him, “what’s the matter honey? Are you sad that I’m handsome? You should be proud that you’ve managed to snatch a catch.”

 

Smug bastard alert, red red red , Harry thinks robotically. 

 

His fists lightly punch Tom’s chest, “No you prick! I don’t mean thaaat! I mean–”

 

“You mean?” Tom asks.

 

“I mean… I wanna break up!”

 

Then silence.

 

“Harry, I know you don’t mean it… It’s not sincere. Don’t ask something that you yourself don’t want to. I don’t think you’re sincere enough for this. One minute you’re calling me handsome and missing me and next, you’re breaking up with me? Harry, it just doesn’t add up.”

 

Harry whimpers pathetically, Tom’s right . “Fine, I’ll try again.” Tired of scheming and being defeated with such a powerful foe, Harry lies his head on Tom’s chest, counting his heartbeat with each breath. 

 

“Yes, Harry. Please do try again and don’t forget next week we have to meet your parents.” 

 

Oh? 

 

“Harry, we have to set the wedding’s date.” Harry whimpers again and replies okay weakly. It seems his window of opportunity from running from Tom Riddle is getting narrower each day. Still, he knows he has the chance until the day he says I do. Tom’s hand, loving as usual, caressing his head with much attention.

 

“Want to fuck?” Tom asks casually. Harry whips his head off from the chest so fast, “yes please. Hurry!” then immediately gets on his knees to unbuckle Tom’s belt.

 

The room is filled with Tom's chuckles briefly before turning into something else.

THE END

Notes:

Comments are very much appreciated and ooh ohh tags!! Tags recommendation pls!1!!

p/s: There's a reason for the crunching noises that I've saved in notes but it's in somebody else's pov sooo let's see if it'll make it into this fic.

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