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If you were honest with yourself, you knew better than to expect nothing - but you’d never expected your feelings would lead to something like this.
The breeze on the docks of Liyue Harbor was usually comforting - a reminder of your dear companion and his intriguing connection to the elements. Tonight, however, it contained a bit more bite than usual; the chill was unwelcome and bitter, and even though he was right there, sitting before you on the edge of the dock, it already felt like Kaedehara was miles away on the Crux.
You were no stranger to Kazuha’s long voyages with Captain Beidou - she’d even invited you to join her crew for a trip or two, but you’d always declined; he longed to be free, and you respected his wishes. But respect didn’t make the heartache any easier.
Honestly, you’d be fine if it weren’t for these fluttering feelings of yours - it was foolish to have feelings for a wandering soul, but you couldn’t help but be drawn to the way he interacted with the world around him; the way he made melodies out of falling leaves, crimson gaze capturing what most people couldn’t fathom in their wildest dreams. Every detail, every note so perfectly clear in his mind, not to mention his natural charm and charisma - Archons, who wouldn’t be swept away by the Anemo-wielding wanderer?
But that was just the problem: he was a wanderer, and your home was nestled in Liyue Harbor. Even if you wanted to go with him, it wasn’t fair to either of you to tell him, especially not when you knew his heart was carried with the wind.
And so you stood, waiting with Kazuha as the Crux crew loaded the last of the supplies for their voyage onto the ship. It was only going to be two weeks, a relatively short voyage to and from a cluster of nearby islands, but something about this trip felt heavy. An unspoken weight was hanging in the air around you, and as always, a crimson gaze turned to you in acknowledgement.
“Something on your mind?”
You smiled softly. “Observant as always, Kaedehara.”
“Then I’m assuming my guess was correct. Care to elaborate?”
Your gaze dropped to the wood of the dock. “Nothing much, Kazuha - no need to worry.”
“I beg to differ,” he said, concern stitching its way into his brow, “Any matter of yours is of great concern to me. Please share, if you’re comfortable - I’d like to help.”
And there it was again: the endless charm you’d gotten lost in. Who could deny that charm a response?
“I’m just… going to miss you, is all.”
Kazuha stilled. Red eyes seemed to calculate your expression as it fully dawned on you what you’d said. Your face began to flush as you realized he wasn’t responding. Of course he wasn’t responding, you thought, he’d only be gone for two weeks and you’re upset because you’d miss him? If that didn’t make your feelings blatantly obvious, it likely made him think you childish. You opened your mouth to attempt a sputtering apology, but before you could, the bellows of the sea captain echoed through the harbor.
“Five minutes, crew! Everyone to the deck, prepare to set sail!”
The crew let out enthusiastic cheers throughout the harbor, and people started flooding towards the ship. Hastily, you turned your back to leave.
“Well, I suppose that’s your cue to go then! Safe travels Kazuha, don’t forget to-“
“Wait.”
You stopped in your tracks. Even if you’d wanted to move, a bandaged hand held onto your wrist, gentle but firm. You slowly turned to face him, eyes darting everywhere but his own.
“I’m sorry Kazuha, that was stupid, I shouldn’t have-“
“Not at all,” he said, eyes fixated on your hand still in his grasp. “I’m sorry that I can’t alleviate the loneliness. My voyages may be necessary, but they don’t go without impact on those I care about; I truly am sorry.”
A melancholy grin spread across your face. “It’s alright, really - I understand, and I’ll be ok. So long as you’re happy.”
Kazuha’s expression seemed to scrunch in contemplation before Beidou called out one final warning to her crew.
“Kazuha, you should really-“
But no more words could escape your throat. The warm press of lips to your knuckles made your throat run dry, and the fond look in his eyes was enough to pin you in place.
“I’m afraid I must be going now - wait for me, dear companion. I will return to you soon.”
You nodded wordlessly, still too dumbstruck to form a proper farewell, let alone a response to whatever just happened. Kazuha only smiled, releasing your hand and waving goodbye as he walked towards the ship - the ship that your gaze followed long after its silhouette vanished beyond the horizon. Only once the sun started to set did you start heading back to your own house, but the imprint of his kiss was felt on your hand even then.
As soon as the door shut to your abode, you collapsed against the frame, mind racing at a hundred miles a minute - did that really happen? It had to have, but what did it mean? Did he take pity and try to offer some form of solace? No, it couldn’t be - pity wasn’t exactly in Kazuha’s nature, particularly not with you - so what was it? Was there even a slight chance that maybe, just maybe-
A violent cough ripped its way through your throat. You tried to shake it off, but there seemed to be an object clogging your airways, making breathing harder than it already was - and not in the pleasant way.
You hacked and wheezed, panicking as you tried to dislodge whatever was trying to choke you when you got a glimpse of the cursed object.
Were those… petals?
Oh no.
Terror set in as you practically forced your lungs to wring themselves out - not this, anything but this - but despite your desperate pleas, only more petals spilled from your mouth, as well as the bitter tang of copper and bile, until finally, finally the flower escaped your airways, falling to the floor in a mangled, bloody heap. Shaking, you fell to your knees and failed to bite back tears as you registered what the flower was.
Pink camellias.
How poetically tragic.
Of course it was nothing - it had to have been. Why would someone like Kazuha take interest in a stationary soul, tethered to the place it called home? He was a wanderer, and always would be - and you’d always be here, longing for something that simply couldn’t be.
Well, after this, perhaps not always.
But there was always hope - cruel, selfish hope that you’d at least be able to see him one last time. That you’d see him off on one last voyage, maybe even see that fond look in his eyes for a moment more before this painful longing had its way with you. That you’d survive the two agonizing weeks that he was gone, and see him smile one last time before you faded from his memory like foam upon the waves.
Clutching the camellia to your chest, you wept quietly, bitterly, with that damned imprint of his lips still hot on your skin, fresh in your mind, and chipping away at what was left of this broken heart of yours.
—————
He shouldn’t have kissed you on the hand that day - he should’ve kissed you on the mouth instead.
Of course, thinking about it rationally, that likely would’ve made his longing worse - but Gods, that didn’t stop him from wanting to. Saying you’d miss him like that - he almost considered abandoning the trip entirely. Truly, Kazuha was immensely grateful to the captain of The Crux, but with you - he’d give a hundred voyages with them for an hour more with you on that dock. Better yet, he’d ask you to come with him - he requested Beidou to ask on his behalf before, but you’d always refused; maybe hearing it from him would convince you.
Before this line of thought could continue, however, heavy footsteps were heard behind him.
“Care for some company, Kaedehara?”
Smiling, Kazuha kept his eyes on the ocean.
“When have I ever refused you, Captain?”
Grinning, Beidou made her way towards the edge of the boat. The sun had long since set, and most of the crew was sleeping below the deck - save for their captain and the poet, staring out at the moonlit sea as the sights and sounds of Liyue Harbor faded in the distance.
“Quite the show you put on at the docks there,” Beidou teased, “Care to share with the class what that was about?”
Kazuha’s grin softened. “I was simply saying goodbye - nothing more.”
Beidou’s brow arched as her grin turned to a curious smirk. “A simple goodbye? Didn’t look like that to me, Kazuha - and I’ve definitely listened to enough of your ramblings to know that that was not a simple goodbye.”
The moonlight had a way of hiding his embarrassed flush in shadows, but nothing could disguise the smitten grin that crept its way onto Kazuha’s face. Beidou only smiled knowingly.
“So, when did you tell them?”
The bubble of daydreams popped around Kaedehara’s head. “Pardon?”
Beidou chuckled. “Don’t ‘pardon’ me - clearly if you were confident enough to pull something like that, you must’ve told them how you feel by now. So indulge me: how long ago did you tell them?”
Kazuha’s smile dropped, and rather than meeting the curious captain’s gaze, his eyes dropped back to the ocean. Beidou’s brow furrowed in confusion.
“Uh, Teyvat to Kazuha - that wasn’t a rhetorical question. When did you tell them?”
The only answer the captain received was silence. Realization seemed to dawn on her, and her playful attitude dropped in an instant.
“You did tell them, right Kazuha?”
Kazuha pursed his lips, eyes glued to the sea below. “Telling them would be a fruitless endeavor, Captain - you and I both know that. Even if they did reciprocate, I can’t be stationary for long - it wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.”
“Oh, that is such bullshit .”
Kaedehara jumped at Beidou’s sudden change in tone - the words seemed to be dripping venom and icy anger, and what scared him is that it seemed to be directed at him. Confusion sculpted his expression as he turned his gaze towards the now fuming captain.
“Forgive me, Captain, but I’m not sure what-“
“Cut the poetic crap, Kaedehara - did you even bother to look behind you after pulling that little stunt?”
Kazuha’s mouth zipped shut - he’d never seen the sea captain this upset before. Wordlessly he shook his head, and Beidou scoffed.
“Of course not. Let me tell you something, and listen well, Kazuha - the way they stared at you? They looked like they wanted nothing more than for you to come back - more starstruck than my crew the first time we found treasure. Now if you’d already explained yourself, that’d be cute as hell - but with zero explanation before a two week trip? Kazuha, do you have any idea what could be going through their head right now?”
His shoulders dropped, and so did his expression - he’d never thought of it like that before. Beidou sighed heavily, anger giving way to something more vulnerable - something unfiltered and gritty and painful as her gaze found its way to the silhouette of the newly rebuilt Jade Chamber in the distance.
“All that confusion, right before a long trip - it’s not exactly something that’s easy to shoulder, Kazuha.”
Oh.
He’d never thought of it that way.
Beidou’s gaze turned to meet his once more, this time filled with a determined urgency that he couldn’t quite place.
“Let me ask you this, Kazuha - are you serious about your feelings for them? Or is this some type of whirlwind schoolboy crush for you?”
Kazuha’s brow set into something confident - something determined, yet filled to the brim with yearning, as if there was no other answer:
“How could I not be?”
Because for him, there was no other answer - no other option besides you. You and that wonderstruck look in your eyes as he explained the songs of the trees and nature to you and your eager mind. You and that dazzling smile of yours as he recited yet another poem he’d written in your image, though he’d never tell. You and your wondrous mind that he could spend hours prying and picking at and he’d still get lost in, like a labyrinth of fascination he’d do anything to learn more about. Everything, every question led back to the unwavering answer that was you, you, you - the one thing his wandering soul could manage to tether to.
And he’d taken that bond, that trust, and shaken it - all for a momentary act of bliss on his part.
He felt sick to his stomach.
Beidou’s gaze hardened, but this time it wasn’t with malice - at least, not entirely. She was still upset with him - justifiably so, he thought - but now there was a strong sense of determination swimming in that moonlit gaze of hers.
“Good. Then tell them that, and apologize properly, Kazuha - it’s the least you can do.”
Kazuha nodded decisively, now more determined than ever to tell you of his feelings - even if they weren’t reciprocated, it was the least he could do to explain himself.
Beidou’s signature confident grin found its way back to her face. Standing tall once more, she nudged him with her elbow.
“And Kazuha - the next time you board my ship, it’s either both of you or neither of you, you hear?”
Kazuha chuckled, a grin finally finding its way back to his face as the captain smiled teasingly at him once more.
“Loud and clear, Captain.”
“Good. Y’know, for someone who’s usually so straightforward, you have a really roundabout way of telling people the important stuff.”
“Forgive my presumptuousness, but I hardly think I’m alone on that front, Captain.” Kazuha said, smirking as he nodded towards the Jade Chamber in the distance. Beidou scoffed before turning back to the deck.
“Alright, that’s enough out of you for one night - get below the deck and get a good night’s rest. And I’m serious about getting them on board, Kaedehara! Both of you or neither of you!”
Kazuha laughed, walking towards the door with a smile. “Will do, Captain.”
Beidou smiled knowingly in return. “Good.”
—————
Something was wrong.
From the moment that Liyue Harbor was in sight, the wind had sent him countless whispers, each one more urgent then the last that something was wrong. The wind seldom spoke, but it never told lies - Kazuha knew this. Something was definitely wrong.
The moment he stepped onto the docks, the scent of flowers hit him like a ton of bricks. He looked around for a flower stand, perhaps a traveling merchant had set up shop around the dock to entice incoming passengers - but to no avail. Pity, he’d hoped to maybe bring some along to accompany his apology - but if not a merchant’s stand, then where was the scent coming from?
Once again, the wind urged him: something was wrong.
Nervously, Kaedehara turned to Beidou. “Do you know where that strange scent is coming from? I like flowers as much as any romantic, but even this is a bit much.”
Beidou only tilted her head in confusion. “Flowers? Afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about Kazuha, I don’t smell anything funny.”
An eerie chill set in his veins. Something was wrong.
Concern stitched its way into Beidou’s brow. “You alright, Kazuha? If you’re sick, I can-“
“No, no that’s alright Beidou - I’m going to go look for them, ok?”
But she didn’t get to give a proper response - Kazuha had already taken off.
He didn’t see your face in the crowd amongst the harbor, and so he ran - ran down the familiar streets leading to your house, head swimming with the scent of flowers and the sickening feeling settling in his stomach, all while the wind urged him to go faster. He turned corner after corner, urgency settling deep in his veins as he got closer and closer to your house until finally, he’d reached your front doorstep-
-and immediately felt dread settle deep in the pit of his stomach.
The wind had gone eerily silent, but it carried the sickening scent of flowers, now stronger than ever. Your mail hadn’t been touched in days, and most disturbingly, your front door was unlocked and slightly ajar - as if an open invitation for strangers.
Time seemed to slow as he walked towards the door, cold sweat beginning to form on shaky palms as he reached to open the door. Tentatively, he stepped into the living room just as another scent hit his nose.
Blood.
Panic set in as he finally got a good look at the room - flower petals coated in the rust colored substance littered the floor, and the concentration of both petals and blood seemed to increase as they grew closer to your room. The scent was enough to make his head swim, but nothing could compare to the fear of something happening to you, of you-
No, he refused to think about it.
He couldn’t lose you. He just couldn’t.
Arming himself and bracing for the worst, he quietly approached your room, stepping over what he realized were piles of camellias in the process. Slowly, he nudged open the door, resisting the urge to break it open in sheer panic-
-before being met with a sight equally as horrible.
Piles and buckets of blood-coated camellias littered the floor, petals coating your blankets and every surface in between. You sat upright in your bed, but even though he knew it was you, he could hardly believe it - you looked like a hollow husk of who you were two weeks ago. Dark circles and dreary irises replaced the joy-filled glow in his memory, and your frame was gaunt and haggard. It made him more sick then the scent of the bloody flowers.
Your eyes widened when you caught sight of the figure in the door. “Kazuha..?”
His sword clattered to the floor.
Rushing to your side, his hands reached out to your pale frame, gently grabbing hold of your hands.
“What happened?!” He asked, the full extent of his panic abundantly clear in his eyes, “Are you injured? Did something happen, did someone attack you while I was away? A-And the flowers, the camellias, what-“
“Kazuha, it’s ok,” you cooed, stroking his fingers with your thumbs. “No one attacked me - I’m alright.”
“Forgive me, but you very clearly aren’t.” He said, worry evident on his face. “What happened to you while I was gone?”
Your gaze dropped to your bedsheets. “I’m sorry Kazuha, I never wanted it to come to this-“
“Come to what ?!” he pleaded, “Please, tell me!”
You paused before sighing heavily. “Kazuha, have you heard of a disease called Hanahaki?”
His heart shattered.
No.
Not this.
Of all the cruel twists of fate, anything but this.
He’d lost too many loved ones, too many friends, too many companions - please, Archons, anything but this.
“I’m so sorry Kazuha,” you said, “I didn’t want you to find out like-“
“Who is it?” he asked, “Tell me.”
“What..?” You asked, as if dumbfounded by his question.
“Tell me who it is,” he stated, this time rather harshly, “now.”
You smiled sadly, holding his hands a bit tighter. “Kazuha, there’s no use. He simply doesn’t feel the same - I can’t fault him for that.”
No. No, there had to be a way - even if it wasn’t him, there had to be a way to help, a way to save you, and damnit , why was he crying about his own feelings right now?!
You were the one suffering, shriveled in a heap in your own home because of the pain of unrequited love - and still he was upset about his own broken heart, bitterly jealous of the oblivious moron who failed to see the wonder of life that was you. Hot, angry tears spilled over his cheeks as he wept for all that never was; the missed opportunities for travels together, the countless times he could’ve reached for your hand but didn’t, the poems unwritten and songs unsung, and that Gods-forsaken hand kiss on the dock - the first and last glimpse of what could’ve been.
And amidst all his sorrow, he failed to realize that your hands had found their way to his cheeks, thumbing away his tears as he continued to cry. His hands drifted up to your wrists, selfishly vying to keep them by his face for even a moment longer. Your melancholy smile persisted, but confusion knit its way into your brow.
“Why did you want to help me?” You asked.
Kazuha only chuckled bitterly. If he was going to say anything, now would be the time.
“For you…” he said, “For you, I would sing the songs of nature until my throat ran dry. I’d write poems until my fingers bled, and even after my tongue and pen were useless, I’d hold you until my last breath. For you, my dear, I would do anything.”
Your breath stilled in your throat. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”
“And why not?” He asked, brow furrowed in petty curiosity.
“Because you’ll give me hope,” you said, eyes refusing to meet his gaze, “and make me think you feel the same.”
Time froze in that moment. His eyes widened, grip tightening ever so slightly on your wrists. “What?”
Tears welling up in your own eyes, you tried to pull your hands away. “I’m sorry, perhaps you should just go, I-“
“No,” Kazuha said, grip on your wrists tightened just enough to keep them in place, “Tell me again.”
You tried tugging at your wrists one more time, but his intense crimson gaze met yours and you knew it was over.
“I… The object of my affections is you, Kazuha. A sentiment that clearly isn’t reciprocated, and I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but-“
“You’re wrong.” He stated, more intense then you’ve ever seen him, “Archons, you couldn’t be more wrong.”
Your heart jumped, but you remained steadfast. “Kazuha, please don’t lie to try and-“
“If my words don’t convince you,” he said, eyes full of something you couldn’t quite place, “then perhaps my actions will.”
And without another word, his bandaged hand turned over one of your wrists, and he placed a kiss atop your knuckles. You jumped at the sensation, and immediately there was fire where his lips touched, the burning feeling returning after two weeks of nearly being forgotten. Before you could say anything, much less protest, he turned your hand around yet again and placed another kiss on your open palm. He didn’t wait for a response as his lips moved from your palm to your inner wrist, eyes meeting yours with a longing and intensity he’d reigned in for Gods knew how long.
His other hand reached to touch your cheek, making you flush as he leaned in closer. Rather than your mouth, however, his lips moved to your forehead, fingers tracing your jaw with a painstaking gentleness. His kisses then moved from your forehead to the bridge of your nose, then to your eyelid, your cheek, and the corner of your mouth before he was a hair’s width away from your lips, achingly close and yet so far away.
“Darling,” he said, barely above a whisper, meeting your eyes with that same intensity, thumb agonizingly tracing over your bottom lip. Your gaze dropped to his mouth, the mouth that set your skin ablaze, and in silent permission you gently grabbed his wrist, directing it back to your face, and Kazuha followed, leaning in until your vision was engulfed in flames.
And Archons, how he lived without this feeling before, he’ll never know.
He tried to be gentle, handling you with care and keeping your fragile state in mind - but the longer the kiss lasted, the more he found himself drowning in the endless ocean of you, defenseless against the pull to hold you closer. He found his hands moving from your jaw to trace the skin of your neck, fingers tangling themselves into your hair as you gasped, gripping the front of his shirt and whispering his name like a prayer that he was more than happy to answer as he crashed back into you, this time with the fire and intensity that he’d wanted to show you since long before that day on the docks.
Moments later, Kazuha pulled away, albeit reluctantly - he did need to breathe, after all. His gaze, however, didn’t lose any intensity as he spoke.
“How are you feeling?” He asked, concern laced into every syllable. “Any better?”
You paused, taking a moment to assess your physical wellbeing - you felt much better than before, and as you took notice of the room around you, you noticed the camellias had long since shriveled and withered away. Realization dawning on you, you smiled from ear to ear.
“Yes,” you responded, “I think I’m much better now.”
Kazuha’s relief and joy knew no bounds, and as tears of joy pooled in his eyes he pulled you in for one more kiss, failing to restrain his smile. You ended up smiling into it as well, and as you pulled away giggling, Kazuha gave you a proposition.
“Come with me,” he said, “on my next voyage. I know your heart lies in Liyue, but-“
“My heart lies wherever you are,” you replied, “I’d be more than happy to join you.”
And just when he thought he couldn’t fall even more in love, you proved him wrong.
“Alright then,” he said, fond smile adorning his features as his forehead came to rest against yours. “I’ll let Captain Beidou know.”
And you sighed in content, warm in the embrace of the wanderer whose tether had somehow found its way to you.