Archive of Our Own

Thunder strikes in the distance and I flinch.

It’s almost nine and the windows are so dark I can’t really see anything through them, not even the road opposite the flat I’m renting. Only the streetlights are visible, but even so their light is weak and shallow compared to the fury of the storm going outside in Leeds, the city I moved to to attend university.

University.

Both the joy and the bane of my existence.

Last year, I finished high school at Truham and I was more than ready to move to a different city, meet new people, finally study something I am genuinely interested in, become independent. That’s what university means — and I have to say that after almost two months of attending Leeds’, it’s also true. Moving to a big city was beyond exciting. Decorating my new place, even so. I am decently passionate about the classes I’m currently following, and I enjoy buying the groceries or making dinner and everything that a full time adult does.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its downsides too.

Because right before school ended, just a few months ago, I got into a bad fight with my boyfriend of more than two years, Charlie.

Thinking about it now, I’ve been such an idiot back then.

It all started at a party, with Charlie being annoyed at me and refusing to tell me what was bothering him until he got drunk and yelled at me and I yelled at him and we both thought we had broken up.

Those two weeks of not talking are without the shadow of a doubt the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and I never want to go through that again.

In the end, none of us wanted to break up. It happened only because our friends Tao and Elle had supposedly parted ways due to Elle leaving for university like me, but in the end they just stuck together and now they’re doing pretty fine even in a long distance relationship.

Then my old phone acted up and didn’t display all of Charlie’s attempts at sending me all of our photos together (which are now printed and kept in my picture book, possibly one of the most precious things I have), and the impasse lasted until Charlie finally got the courage — I still hate myself for not reaching out first — to send one of those pictures into my mailbox. And then we met, and we laughed and we made up, stronger than ever and too stubborn to give up the love that changed our lives forever.

After clearing things between us and deciding that we wanted to try long distance, we proceeded to have the best summer of our lives before I had to leave and Charlie helped me with my move. And even though I’m approximately two hundred miles away from where he is, we visit each other every two weeks — and we text, call, see each other through Facetime, go on dates when we’re together, kiss and make out at every possible occasion, simply spend the night together when I visit him in our town.

Now that we’ve made it clear that none of us ever wants to break up, we’re really stronger than we’ve ever been.

But. There’s a but.

…

I’m fucking terrified.

That’s it, I’ve said it.

While moving I was so ecstatic I basically forgot all my initial fears and doubts about leaving. Fears that have now resurfaced and threaten to make my life here a living hell if I think about them long enough.

Not that I couldn’t not leave. For God’s sake, I’m an adult now. I had to go to university, I wanted to — and I still do. But that fight, that fight still haunts me among the other things and lately I’ve been feeling… not good.

First of all, I miss Charlie.

We both knew long distance wasn’t going to be easy for us — and we’re good, we really are — but I never expected the first night I slept here to cry softly on my pillow at the thought of what I’ve left behind. The fact that even though we’re together and we’re fine, I can’t see Charlie every day like I used to for the last two or three years.

We meet regularly, I know, but it’s not the same. I don’t see his smile as much anymore. I can’t see him blush and get all flustered when I flirt with him over the phone, I can’t touch his beautiful dark hair or his little dimples he knows I adore, I can’t physically be there for him when he wakes up shitty and doesn’t feel like eating breakfast or lunch. I can’t kiss him every time I’d like to, I can’t let my hands explore his body like we’ve done a hundred times before and make him feel good, so good, while whispering him how beautiful he is and how much I love him.

I mean, I can sometimes. But it’s not the same.

Then, there’s everything else.

I really miss my mum. For so long she’s been the only one I could really rely on — when I told her I was dating Charlie, when my brother was being an ass, when my dad needed to hear he wasn’t really a good father, when Charlie was struggling and I felt terrified at the thought of somehow losing him, when I thought me and Charlie had broken up. My mum, Sarah — she’s really my rock, as someone would say. And thinking about her, alone in the quiet house only I shared with her along with our two dogs (please, please don’t make me talk about leaving Nellie and Henry. I don’t think I can handle that right now) makes my chest ache all over.

I also miss my friends. Uni’s not bad, and there are some cool people in my class, but in two months I haven’t made a single proper friend here. I tried going at parties, but in the end they have never been my thing and I’ve felt disappointed at discovering that so many people here are homophobic and stuff. I thought that by going to university things would be different, that people would be grown ups. Turns out it’s the same as Truham, except for the fact that Charlie, Tara, Darcy, Elle, Tao and the rest of our friends are not here by my side.

Every day we text in our Paris Squad group and it always brings a smile to our face. We’ve really grown close, all of us, and I like to believe that we’re going to stay friends for a long time. But again, not having them here feels weird. Empty.

Sometimes I wish we were all of the same age, so I wouldn’t have to deal with this.

I just… feel so fucking alone right now.

Back when Charlie was hospitalized for his eating disorder (and OCD, depression and anxiety, although I didn’t exactly know about them all at the time) my own mental health was kind of bad. I think it started even earlier, when I was trying to help him in every way I could and I realized that I couldn’t do that by myself.

The day after I said goodbye to Charlie I just went to school, sat in form room and realized Oh. Charlie’s not coming. He won’t come back anytime soon and I just kind of lost it. I had to excuse myself and go to the toilet because suddenly breathing came hard and I felt all jittery and my stomach wouldn’t open even if I tried. I spent so many sleepless nights simply because my nerves wouldn’t relax and I felt really, really lost and scared.

It was only a while later that I did some research and discovered that it had been anxiety all along that I just came home from a walk and dumped everything on my mum. Okay, that might not have been the best choice, but I had to let it all out somehow and she was really supportive and talking to her almost every day helped me. I learned that Charlie’s relapses and downfall weren’t my fault. Experiencing anxiety in certain situations is normal. I accepted it and I felt better.

But lately it came back. It’s not bad, really, but I don’t know how to make it stop and it’s been stressing me out basically all the time when I’m not with my mum or with Charlie. I hate how nervous I get whenever people from my class invite me out because I’d really like to make some friends, but most of them are definitely not the people I’d like to be friends with. I’m pretty sure they’re interested in me simply because they think I’m straight, anyway.

I’m also really stressed about me and Charlie.

It’s stupid and irrational, I know, because there’s literally nothing to worry about. But when we’re not together and I come back to Leeds, my mind just keeps going back to that fight. To how much of an idiot I was for not noticing that talking too much about university was overwhelming Charlie, to how I lashed out at him when I was the one who got it all wrong, to how I didn’t text and didn’t make sure he was fine while perfectly knowing how fragile a part of him still is. I love Charlie, I love him more than anyone else in the entire world. And I know he loves me just as much. But I’m scared that one day he’ll wake up and realize that long distance is too much for him and will want to break up.

As I said, it’s stupid. Really fucking stupid. We’re thriving, me and Charlie. But there’s a prickling feeling on my skin wherever I go nowadays and I cannot shake it off no matter how hard I try. I forget all about it when I’m with him, when he says he loves me and we kiss like the world could burn around us and we wouldn’t notice. But as soon as I come back here, as soon as I enter my empty house and I’d like to say “I’m home” to someone waiting for me, only the silence answers and it’s honestly kind of depressing.

I’m an idiot.

I can’t even talk about it with my mum because there’s really nothing to say and I don’t want to ruin those few moments we have together when I visit. And there’s no way I’m going to talk about it with Charlie, not when all these thoughts are irrational as hell and he might assume I want to break up with him like it happened last time.

And that’s how I ended up here, in my bed trying to watch Avengers for the hundredth time on a Friday night when everyone from my class is out there partying and having fun.

(I’ve actually been invited, but I don’t feel like going. Not when it’s not going to be fun for me.)

After half an hour, I give up Avengers and take out my phone. I open Photos to scroll down and look at the pictures I’ve taken with Charlie when we went to London for my birthday back in September, and I smile at how cute we look together. I’ll honestly never get tired of taking photos of us, especially when they keep me sane in times like these.

I’m really tempted to call Charlie so I don’t feel alone, but then I remember that he’s out with his friends and I just leave him a text.

You

Heyy
How are you?
Are you out with Tao and Aled?
I hope you're having fun!! 😚

I wait for a few minutes — and almost fall asleep — before the phone screen suddenly lights up.

Charlie 🐱

hiii <3 
yeah we're having movie with night :) pretty cool tbh

I smile again.

You

I’m glad to hear that!

Charlie 🐱

how about you? are you out with someone from uni?

You

Nah there’s a party but I didn’t really feel like going

Charlie 🐱

you ok??

You

Yes! Just kind of tired

Charlie 🐱

oh i see :( 
at least we'll see each other again tomorrow!! can't wait to see you ❤️

The thought of seeing Charlie again immediately warms my heart.

You

Me too ❤️❤️

Charlie 🐱

sorry i have to go now 😭 tao is stressing me, he says i should pay attention to the film...
i love you so much ❤️
see you in two days, ok? i'll text you tomorrow

You

It’s okay don’t worry!!!! I love you so much too ❤️

Charlie answers with another heart and then disconnects. I sigh. We’ve already texted more than enough this morning, but I still wish I could call him.

…

Why am I so clingy all of a sudden?

I slip under the covers and close my eyes. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. Is this how Charlie usually feels when his mental health is not great? Suddenly, I feel a whole new level of respect for him. Charlie’s always been strong, so strong, but I’ve never emphasized with him as much as now. I know what I’m going through is nowhere near what he had to face in the past, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

Suddenly my eyelids feel heavy and I close my eyes. I just want to sleep and see Charlie. As long as we’re together, I’m fine.

Before I know it, it’s Saturday afternoon and me and Charlie are passionately making out in his bed.

It’s a very good day. The weather is good, warm but not too much. This morning I visited mum and then Charlie joined me at my house before we had lunch and went out for a walk with Nellie and Henry. Then me and Charlie went to his place (his parents, Tori and Oliver are away till this evening) and that’s how we ended up here. Happy. Desperately in love. With Charlie sitting on my tights and the air around us extremely hot.

“Charlie,” I breathe, his body stuck to mine in all the right ways. He’s shirtless, which always makes me feel kind of emotional considering how much trouble doing that used to give him the first times we considered going beyond kissing.

He leans back a bit to look into my eyes, his face all red and beaming. “Yeah?”

I chuckle. “I love you,” I say in earnest.

Charlie laughs too. Seeing him happy like this makes my heart flutter and want to cry. Then he throws me one of his flirty looks and I think I’m going to combust like every other time he does that.

“I love you too, you big idiot. Why are you being so sappy today?”

I shrug. “No reason,” I say, “I just missed you. I miss you all the time.”

He blushes adorably and kisses me again, this time with more urgency — igniting the flame between us and making me feel like I’m on fire.

“Let me show you how much I missed you,” I breathe, and he nods enthusiastically and and we proceed to take off the rest of our clothes and everything leads to… well, sex. Which is good. It’s always been good between us, and I swear I’ll never experience something so out of this world with anyone else.

For half an hour, only us exist.

Charlie is walking ahead of me, his dark hair shiny under the sun. The waves are crashing in the distance and he’s pulling me along trough our beach — the one we always go to whenever we want to escape the world a little bit and just be together for a while, our personal corner of paradise no one else can touch.

“Nick!” he shouts, and he brings me to our favorite wooden pier to watch the sea. I love the sea. And Charlie, which means that having both combined all in one go makes me pretty happy if you ask me.

We eat ice cream and end up dozing off on each other’s shoulder until all of a sudden Charlie speaks.

“Nick,” he calls quietly.

I stir. “Yeah?”

He looks me in the eyes, and he looks distant. “Nick, I have to tell you something.”

My stomach lurches and my heart skips more than one beat. I don’t know why, but I get worried as heck. I don’t like that tone. I don’t like his face, unhappy and closed off.

Charlie leans away so that our bodies aren’t touching anymore, and I feel cold.

“I want to break up with you.”

The world freezes. “What?” I ask in disbelief. It can’t be possible. He’s joking, right? We can’t break up.

He looks away. “I’m sorry, Nick. I’ve tried being in love with you while you were away, but it didn’t work. It’s not your fault, I understand it. But I cannot go on like this. I need someone my age who can be by my side whenever I need them. And sadly, you don’t fit in that category anymore.”

There’s a ringing in my ears. “No,” I say. “We’ve talked about this, Char. We promised we would try.”

Charlie shakes his head. “I know. But it’s not working. Can’t you see it? It’s time to move on. It’s time to have a fresh beginning, both of us.”

“But I love you,” I say, this time almost desperately. It can’t be. It can’t be, it simply can’t. We’re Nick and Charlie. We’ve gone through much worse.

“I don’t. Not anymore.”

And I think those are the words that hurt me the most. Because that’s what I’ve been afraid of ever since I left.

Now I’m really starting to panic. I think I’m going to be sick and my vision is kind of spotty and I can’t breathe, fuck, I really can’t breathe —

“Nick!”

I don’t really register what’s going on until I feel a hand shaking me by the shoulder and my eyes blink wide open, a painful gasp leaving my throat as I try to assess where I am.

“Nick, are you okay?”

Charlie.

I turn my head slightly to the left where Charlie is basically towering over my face, his light eyes dilated and scared. “Nick,” he calls again, voice full of worry and concern. “Nick, what’s wro—”

Before he can speak another word, I throw myself at him and wrap my arms around him like a koala, shaking all over as the remains of the scene — the dream — I just had replay over and over again in the back of my mind. For a few minutes, I cannot process anything that isn’t Charlie’s thin but strong drummer hands rubbing my back and sides in soothing motions, trying to calm me down.

And I’m scared as fuck, because God if that dream didn’t seem so real. I can remember most vividly dream Charlie’s expression as he told me what I feared most in the whole world, the way all warmth and love had just left his face.

I don’t notice I’m crying until Charlie leans back and cradles my face with such delicacy I’m suddenly aware of the way my tears are wetting him. “Nick, it’s okay now. It was just a bad dream. You’re alright, Nick, you’re alright.”

I force myself to breathe through my nose, and after a few moments I manage to calm down. He’s right. It was nothing more than a dream.

“I’m sorry,” I choke out. This was supposed to be our most relaxing night of the month. No dates, just a peaceful sleepover wrapped in each other’s arms while talking and listening to music on Charlie’s bed after having dinner with his family — especially since I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I guess now the night is ruined, and all because of a stupid nightmare.

Charlie shakes his head and hugs me. “You’re starting to sound like me. Don’t apologize for something like this. It’s not your fault.”

We rock back and forth for a while before he leaves to get me a glass of water, and I try to collect myself. There’s really nothing to be scared of.

When he comes back and makes sure I drink, he just leaves the empty glass next to the radio and pulls us down on the pillows again.

“Was it that bad?” he asks quietly, and I can tell how concerned he is. Ever since we’ve known each other it’s been him who sometimes struggles with nightmares, while I usually don’t get them at all — and even if I do, I barely remember them in the morning.

It’s probably kind of unsettling for him to see me this panicked.

I nod and place my head against his warm chest. “Yeah.”

Char gently strokes my hair as he always does whenever I’m upset. “I don’t want you to tell me if you don’t want to, but do you remember it?”

I try my best not to think too hard about it.

“Oh, I… I don’t really remember, actually. But I got really scared for a second back there.”

(I know I shouldn’t lie to him, I hate it, but I cannot bring myself to speak about it.)

Charlie keeps up with the stroking. “You’re fine now. No need to worry about it anymore. Now let’s just sleep, okay?”

I nod again, ever so thankful for his presence and wondering how in the world I managed to deserve someone like him in my life. “Yeah,” I reply, and I’m starting to doze off again. I feel relieved now.

“Thank you, Char,” I mumble.

His lips against the top of my head are the last thing I feel before falling into oblivion.

The next morning I feel fine (or at least, definitely better) and we sleep till nine when Tori comes to wakes us up. Charlie’s got this adorable bedhead that makes me giggle like an idiot and we spend a good ten minutes kissing softly before getting up and having breakfast together.

I can see Charlie’s a bit worried about how I acted last night, but other than that we’re more than okay. Times like these remind me that my stupid fears are actually all in my head, that Charlie still loves me like the first day we got together if not more and there’s nothing else I want in the entire world than spend the rest of my life with him.

Around ten we stop Charlie goes home to change clothes and I go back to my house to say goodbye to my mum before I have to leave. Again.

I hate it, but I have an exam tomorrow and I don’t know what I’d do if I fail it. I’ve been having trouble concentrating lately, and as much as I’d like to stay with Charlie, I also recognize that I have to go early this time.

Mum hugs me and ruffles with my hair with such a bright smile I would like to rejoice too, but the anxiety is coming back and I’m feeling kind of fidgety.

She notices and squeezes my cheeks. “Nicky, I’ve noticed you’ve been looking off lately. Is it because of tomorrow’s exam? I’m sure you’re going to be great at it.”

The way she always senses whenever something’s wrong with me still astonished me up to this day.

I would like to lie. I would like to tell her nothing’s wrong and I’m just a little tired, and that’s all. But even though I’m literally in the corridor about to leave, something urges me to blurt it out.

“I’ve been feeling bad again,” I mutter, and it doesn’t take her long to understand what I’m referring too.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she says, and hugs me again. “Is something wrong had school? Or with Charlie?”

I force myself to speak. “Both,” I answer, and I suddenly feel very exhausted. “I just… people there aren’t that good, mum. They’re not cool. And I feel alone. So alone,” I explain, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “I miss you and Charlie all the time. And I’m scared he’ll want to leave me.”

Her eyes turn downcast. “I thought you boys were doing well.”

I nod. “We are. But now that I’m away I can’t be there for him when he needs me. And I fear he’ll get tired of being with me now that I’m not physically here just as much anymore,” I say, and the last part comes out almost as a whisper.

She squeezes me again. “Have you talked about this with Charlie?” she asks.

When I shake my head, she pats my face. “Then you should, sweetheart. I’m sure Charlie doesn’t want to break up with you. But it’s always better to talk these things out whenever one of you is scared or just feeling insecure.”

Is that what it is? Insecurity? Maybe it is.

I look down, ashamed. I know I should tell Charlie about this.

“I will, mum. I just need to focus a little bit more on school first.”

I still have a couple of minutes, so she convinces me to drink a cup of tea and comforts me while I sit on the couch. Then, when I’m ready, I sigh and take my backpack to leave.

When I look back at her, she seems sad but hopeful. “Nick,” she calls as I’m about to step out of the door.

“Yeah?”

She gives me a sad smile. “No matter what happens, Nick, you’re my boy and I love you. So if you feel like that again, just call me, alright? I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me. You can talk to me.”

And at that point, I can only rush back for one last quick hug as I tell her, “Thank you.”

Charlie’s parents drive me to the station and that’s it, our weekend together is already done.

We’re planning to see each other next week again to compensate it, actually, but as I turn to Charlie to say goodbye my heart feels as heavy as the grey clouds above us.

“See you next weekend,” Charlie says while wrapping his arms behind my back to give me a kiss. I know he hates seeing me leave just as much as I hate doing it, but he looks peaceful. Happy. Content with how our relationship is going, even though long distance doesn’t make it easier for us.

I kiss him back passionately (I don’t care his mum can see us) and after a few minutes he leans away, his eyes full of love just for me. “You’ll be late if we keep this up,” he laughs, and before I know it I lunge forward and hug him like my mum did with me not even an hour ago.

The initial tension in his shoulders tells me he’s kind of surprised by my sudden move, although he holds me just as tight and quickly runs a hand on my back. He seems to notice that it’s harder for me to let go this time.

“Is everything okay?” he asks quietly.

I just nod, not daring to talk and betray the mess of emotions that would be surely displayed all over my face.

I’ll tell him. I’ll talk to Charlie and explain my fears to him, so that we’ll both feel better about this situation that’s obviously dragging him down too.

“I love you so much,” I say, and I mean it with all my heart.

I can feel his little smile stretch against my hoodie. “Me too,” he says, and the raw earnesty of his voice sticks with me all the way to Leeds.

Something’s wrong with Nick.

I know it. It’s a gut feeling that has been prickling at me for a while now, but I never realized how serious it was until he woke up basically screaming the other night when we were at my house and he had a bad dream.

Yeah, something’s definitely not right.

The problem is, I don’t know what it is.

When Nick left for uni the morning after that night, he seemed like a total wreck. Like kind of really down or something. At first I thought it was just the dream (he still hasn’t told me what it was about) but then he got more emotional than usual when we had to say goodbye at the train station and although I cannot say I didn’t like it, it’s kind of unusual for him.

Nick’s like… my anchor. He’s always been super cool or something, the kind of person you feel safe with in every sort of situation. If it hadn’t been for him and his support, I don’t know where I’d be now. Which is why seeing him act like this has been worrying me. A lot.

Our summer together was great. We did so many things and had so much fun in general, and for a few months — especially after that last fight — nothing mattered except for us and how happy we are when we’re together.

However, I’m starting to notice that ever since Nick started uni he’s been acting… different. Weird. He’s over the moon when we meet or call, and I know how happy it makes him. But he’s been telling how he hasn’t been able to sleep properly ever since moving to Leeds, and he hasn’t made any new friends yet.

For someone like him, I thought making friends — especially at uni — would have been a piece of cake. But although rugby season hasn’t started yet and he hasn’t met his future teammates as applications are still open, he’s strangely never told me about someone whom he became friends with while he’s there.

I may have not seen that before, but after this last weekend it’s obvious that something is bothering him and I’m dying to know what it is.

Of course, my first thought when I realized it was that he’s not happy with us.

After our fight, we made up and promised to try long distance, but when I saw him so distant and overall so gloomy I thought, That’s it, it’s over. All of my old fears came back and I had to call Geoff to talk about it calmly without having the urge to jump to conclusions like I usually tend to and do something stupid like I did a few months ago.

(My mental health is more or less fine now. Bad days still happen, and sometimes I just really wish Nick was here with me because I think he’s the only one who truly understands, but I am positive about the fact that the worst has passed and I’ve done a huge progress.)

After me and Geoff had a talk, anyway, I came to believe that it’s not us the real problem. Or, at least, I’m 99,99% sure it’s not. I’m a huge overthinker, I’m aware of it, but I’m not blind. I can see how Nick’s mood instantly changes when I’m around, as if I’m the fresh air he’s been dying to breathe ever since he went away. He’s been even more vocal than usual, telling me he loves me at every possible occasion with such an intensity I sometimes still get flustered.

And yet, that doesn’t change that I’m worried about him.

I’m seeing him in three days, when he’ll come back here again, but it’s hard not to get nervous in a situation like this. Nick’s just the kind of person who gets excited over anything — he was partially the reason I got annoyed with him and started our previous fight. He was talking too much about university and how enthusiastic he was to start it.

Now, it feels like uni’s been dragging him down all along and I really want to know if the problem is me or something else occurring in his life.

(I admit a small part of me is kind of annoyed that he hasn’t told me anything about it yet, but I have the feeling he’s not doing it on purpose. He sounds as if he’s not really aware of it himself, which is honestly kind of worrying.)

Mrs. Nelson has also been kind of evasive and quiet when talking about him, one more reason to speak with him as soon as possible.

(If there’s something I learned from our more than two years together is that communication is the key to basically everything.)

This is also why on late Friday night, as soon as I stop revising for my upcoming calculus text with Tao and the others, I immediately rush to his house to see him.

I knock.

“Oh, Charlie! Hello, come inside.”

Mrs. Nelson welcomes me into her house with a warm smile and a quick hug, which I reciprocate before stepping in and taking my shoes off. It’s already dark outside, and I really wish I could have seen Nick earlier, but at least he’s staying till Sunday afternoon this time and we have a whole two days ahead of us.

That doesn’t make me less impatient. I want to see Nick, right now.

I still take some time to pet the dogs as they welcome me.

“Where’s Nick?” I ask.

Mrs. Nelson smiles apologetically. “We finished having dinner a while ago and now he’s taking a shower, but he should be here soon. Did you have dinner already, sweetheart?”

I shake my head. Between the study session and the rush of getting here, I actually forgot about dinner as a whole.

“Do you want anything? We have some leftover pasta.”

And since Nick’s not here yet, I can only oblige. I was a little hungry anyway, and I’m long past the need to come up with excuses every time Mrs. Nelson offers me dinner or lunch whenever I don’t have the time — or desire — to go home and cook.

I eat in silence, only interrupted by Mrs. Nelson polite questions about what I’m currently studying at school until I finally clear my voice and speak up.

“Mrs. Nelson, could I ask you something?”

I didn’t mean to sound so tentative, but I can’t take it back now. I have the feeling she too has noticed about Nick’s abnormal behavior, and I want to give it a try and understand this whole situation before confronting him directly.

“Of course, Charlie.”

I take a deep breath. “Do you think Nick has been acting off lately?”

She stops doing the dishes and stays quiet for a while.

Then, she sighs.

“Oh, sweetheart. You’ve noticed too, haven’t you?”

I nod. I try not to think about how serious her voice sounds right now.

Slowly, she leaves the dishes and comes sit down at the table next to me.

“I cannot speak for him, if that’s what you’re asking. I think it’s something you should both discuss together as soon as you’re ready, but…” she trails off, unsure of how to go on. “I noticed Nicky got different after moving out. He’s still the same boy as always, but I noticed how tired he always sounded when he called me from Leeds.”

I nod again.“Yeah, me too. But that’s just because uni’s stressing, right?”

Mrs. Nelson takes another sigh. “I thought so too. But I didn’t know the extent of it until he told me himself last week. He looked more exhausted than usual, and before he left he told me a few things that partially explain how he’s been acting lately.”

I hold my breath.

“He did?” I question, rather surprised that not even Mrs. Nelson knew about it till a few days ago. If there’s something I know about Nick and his mum is that they are rather close, much more than how I am with my own mum, and they basically tell each other everything. Nick staying silent about whatever’s going on with him for so long is so unlike him.

Mrs. Nelson nods.

“You see… Nicky has always been a very sociable boy. However, he doesn’t make friends easily. For the longest time, I’ve seen him struggle with being around people he didn’t truly felt like himself with and that has brought him to internalize a lot of things — like the fact that he often feels like he doesn’t belong.”

A lump forms in my throat as I hear this. I’ve known Nick for a while now, but up to this day I still can’t fully grasp the struggles he went through. Nick’s just so good at hiding his insecurities, although I know he has many more than he lets on.

Mrs. Nelson goes on. “That’s why I was so happy when he found you and the rest of your friends. I could finally see him blossom into the person he ha always wanted to be with the people he really wanted by his side. But now that he’s attending university, he’s been forced to leave a part of all of you behind. Maybe it’s only temporary, that’s true, but I just think he misses you guys so much — and everything to him feels much worse right now, as he told me he can’t seem to find his own place there. That is also the reason why his anxiety has come back.”

I cannot even begin to speak up. There’s definitely too much to unload here, and I suddenly feel very much overwhelmed with the amount of information that Mrs. Nelson has just dropped on me.

Like the fact that Nick is not just stressed about the lessons and the exams, but that he’s having a hard time fitting in.

Or, the fact that Nick’s anxiety came back.

I first knew about it a while after I came back from the mental health hospital, back when my anorexia got pretty bad. I remember one night when I was laughing about something stupid he’d said while we were cuddling in his bed, and out of the blue he just got all emotional and started crying all over my chest. It was the first time I discovered how hard and stressful my own relapse and hospitalization had been for him (and yes, at that time I immediately felt so freaking guilty about it all), but even in his fragility Nick managed to reassure me — telling me that it wasn’t anyone’s fault and that he just needed some time to get better.

From that day onwards I began to pay extra attention to his own mental health as well, but the anxiety didn’t really come back.

Until now.

My heart sinks and once again I feel that familiar twinge of guilt inside my stomach, a recall of that night as I go over all the times I could have been there more for him, how I should’ve noticed his struggle. For the longest time ever since the university topic was brought up between us I’ve thought that it was me getting left behind, but only now I’m starting to realize that Nick’s having it maybe even worse. Because while I still have Tori, Oliver, Aled, Tao, my family and some more of my friends still by my side, Nick is at Leeds alone. Alone and unable to make friends in a place that probably feels empty and foreign.

In that moment my heart is so full of emotion and love for him, just for Nick, I almost cry on the spot.

I love him. More than anyone else. And I know it’s sappy and I’ve thought this before, but I really see no point in living without him.

I swallow, briefly looking Mrs. Nelson in the eyes and giving her the best smile I can manage. “Thank you for telling me, Mrs. Nelson.”

She smiles back at me just as softly and ruffles my hair. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out together, sweetheart.”

I nod shakily and I thank the world Nick has someone like her in his life.

“Charlie?”

A voice — his voice, quiet and somehow raspy like autumn leaves — tears me away from my thought and I turn my head towards the stairs and there he is.

Nick.

He looks tired as he always does lately, but there’s a twinkling in his eyes and a smile so sweet on his lips that tells how happy he is to see me and how surprised he is by my unexpected visit.

For a second we just stare at each other, somehow communicating a thousand words without even speaking or knowing what they’re specifically about, and then I just stand up from the chair as if in a daze and walk up to him and hug him.

I feel the smallest exhale when he wraps his arms around my back, his warm breath tingling my neck as I touch his silky hair still a little damp from the shower.

Then, after what seems like centuries, we part. He looks just as surprised as before.

“I didn’t expect to see you till tomorrow,” Nick says.

“I couldn’t wait till tomorrow,” I answer truthfully, and then I turn towards Mrs. Nelson. “Is it okay if… if I sleep over tonight?”

She smiles and shakes her head. “Of course not. Just make sure to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, okay?” she says, and then blinks at Nick.

He turns tomato red. “Mum!” he squeals, and I can’t help but chuckle. I look at Nick again. “I’ll be up in a second, okay? I need to let my parents know I’m staying here or else they’ll get worried mad.”

While Mrs. Nelson finishes tidying the kitchen up, I call my dad to tell him I’m sleeping here at Nick’s, and once I hang up I basically rush upstairs where I find Nick already handing me a pair of pajamas I always leave here for times like these.

“Thank you,” I smile, and we get ready for bed before ending up kissing under his duvet.

He kisses me just as passionately as last time, except now I’m aware of it. I now understand why he’s been so desperate lately every time we made out or had sex — as if he feared each one of those could have been the last time we’d ever do that.

He’s been scared, and I want nothing more than clear out all of his doubts.

We kiss intensely for about ten minutes before we part and lay on our sides, both panting and breathless. Then, Nick chuckles and lets his head fall against my chest.

“I don’t think I’m in the mood for sex tonight,” he mutters. “I’m sorry.”

I hold him closer. “Don’t be,” I say, and kiss the top of his head.

We stay quiet for a while before I finally, tentatively break the ice.

“I talked with your mum while you were showering,” I say quietly.

Nick perks up. “About what?” he asks curiously.

I begin to run my hand through his hair again. “About you.”

He looks up at me. “You mean…?”

I sigh and give him a sad smile. “Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been feeling anxious again?”

Nick lowers his eyes in shame and furrows his brows, but before he can speak, I interrupt him. “And don’t you dare apologize for this,” I say, tone calm and quiet. “I know I’m the last person who should be saying that, but I understand how it feels like and I want to help you. I’ve noticed how down you’ve been, lately.”

Nick’s eyes turn downcast. “Oh,” he says, and stays silent for a while before speaking up again. “I just…”

I keep stroking his hair. “You’ve been struggling with uni.”

He nods.

“I do like it there, at least on a certain level. But it’s not really what I believed it would be.”

“Your mum told me you don’t get along with your classmates,” I say, and he nods again.

“They’re not all bad. But honestly, most of them are just… not it. I’m pretty sure most of them are homophobic or just really closed minded.”

My chest aches because I get it. I get it so well and I’m just fucking angry at the fact that Nick has to go through this, the fact that he cannot come out to anyone there.

“I’m sorry about that,” I mutter sadly. “Have you tried meeting other people that are not from your class? I’m sure there’s someone decent.”

Nick sighs. “Probably? But I’ve been super tired lately, and I don’t really want to go to parties.” Then, his voice gets lower — almost a whisper. “And it’s not just that… I know it’s stupid, but… I’m…”

“It’s not stupid.”

I hold him closer, spurring him to go on. I want him to say it out loud, because I know from personal experience that admitting that something’s wrong actually helps you. And, most of all, we’re together right now, we can talk it out.

He laughs nervously.

“Honestly, I’m fucking terrified. Terrified that since I’m far away, you’ll lose interest in me and you won’t love me anymore.”

There. He’s said it.

That doesn’t make it any more comforting, because there’s a lump in my throat at the thought of how much Nick has suffered while I didn’t notice. After that fight, my fears haven’t disappeared. They’re sometimes still there, in the back of my mind. But I’m only now starting to realize how huge the toll of that fight took on him, and I swear there’s nothing I want more than to make it right.

Instantly, my brain makes the connection.

“Is this what you’ve dreamed about last week?”

A beat. “Yeah,” he answers, quietly and after a while.

My heart feels as if it’s being squeezed out. Oh.

“Did you have any other dreams like that one?”

He looks down, ashamed and visibly agitated. “I… I’ve had a couple ones this week. And as I said, it’s really stupid, but —”

“Nick,” I start, but he interrupts me. It seems like I’ve broken a dam, and everything is starting to pour out.

“I just don’t want to lose you. And all of our friends. But lately I’ve been feeling so lonely, and scared too. It’s as if by moving, you and mum and the others are… drifting away, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And it sucks,” he says, voice wobbly.

“Oh, Nick.”

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I —”

“Nick, look at me.”

I must sound very serious right now because Nick does as I’ve told him, and even though I can see the few tears rolling down his cheeks, the way I cup his cheeks with my hands is firm and steady.

“I love you,” I say, nothing but the truth leaving my lips. “I love you so much, Nick, and I will keep loving you no matter what happens. I don’t want to break up with you. Not now, not ever, if that’s possible. And I know we’ve fought about you leaving before, but that argument was stupid and impulsive and it could have easily been avoided if we hadn’t both been idiots,” I declare out loud, and I manage him to crack a sad smile. “And yes, I miss you every day you’re not here, but this whole situation is only temporary, remember?” I ruffle his hair. “So no, I’m not leaving you. And I’m not going to stop loving you either, because I do love you more than anyone else and my life would be empty without you.”

I can’t even remember the last time I’ve made such a long and emotional speech, but everything I’ve said is true. And I know Nick already knew all of this at least on a subconscious level, but I can recognize those times when it’s better to speak those feelings out loud and now’s one of those times.

“Char,” he wetly says, and it seems like my speech has worked because the tension leaves his shoulders and his eyes look hopeful again.

I kiss him, warm and solid, trying to convey the enormity of my love for him. A love so strong it used to scare me — but not anymore. I’m not scared, because I know that we could go through anything and come out fine. Maybe not unscathed, but just fine, and I know it’s enough for me as it is for Nick.

”I’ll visit you next week. So you can show me around properly and we can find new people you could be friends with, okay?” I say.

“I love you,” Nick whispers, and then completely loses it as he starts crying softly against my chest again. “Sometimes I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

I bring my other arm around his back, keeping him there, keeping him safe from his demons and fears and everything that makes his insecurities raise their head.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you either,” I whisper back, and now I’m crying too. Between Nick’s uni and my school, we haven’t shared such an open and deep moment between us for a few months and I realize there’s something so comfortingly therapeutic about talking like this. Me and Nick, we’ve been doing pretty okay with communicating ever since we started going out — but it’s no surprise that by both being very insecure at times, we tend to swipe what’s bothering us under the rug in fear of annoying the other until the bubble breaks and we have to deal with the consequences.

Luckily enough, we’re both too stubborn to give up on each other that easily.

Nick notices that my own silent tears are staining his pajamas and looks up, surprised, before wiping his and my own cheeks and kissing me softly. “Why are we like this?” he laughs, and for the first time in months he looks as if a huge weight has been taken off his shoulders.

I laugh too, and we stare at each other with that same love filled gaze we had when we were younger. “Because we’re both idiots,” I say, and he laughs again.

“I love you,” he repeats.

I give him a peck on his lips. “Me too,” I answer, and then: “But… talk to me about it next time, okay? Both me and your mum were really worried about you.”

He’s about to apologize again when I put my hand in front of his lips. “No S-word, remember? I think it’s time I ban it for you too.”

“Well, I’m still sorry though. I didn’t… I really didn’t realize. Anxiety sucks.”

I smile knowingly. “I know it does. And sometimes you might think you won’t be feeling better. But — you can talk to me. Anytime. And your mum, too. We might be apart, but we’re not going anywhere.”

Nick reaches up to touch my face. “Me neither,” he says. “I’m always here for you too.”

And maybe you’d think we’ve reached the limit of tooth-rotting things we could say to each other in a night, but we don’t work like that.

“Will you talk with your mum too, then?”

He nods. “I promise I will. Even tomorrow.”

After that, we talk some more — although none of us specifically mentions Nick’s anxiety again. There’s no way I’m forgetting about it, and I’m sure as hell going to try to help him out with that as much as I can (maybe I can suggest him to have a chat with Geoff. I’m sure he’d benefit from it), but we’re both too tired and exhausted to face that now.

When we’re on the verge of sleep, I gently pull the blankets over us and tangle our legs together.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper. And I mean it. God, if I mean it.

Nick hugs me closer. “I know I’ve said it so many times already,” he whispers back, “But I really love you, Char. So much.”

I smile.

“I love you too, Nick.”

He’ll be fine.

We’re fine.

We fall asleep like that, with his hand clutching mine and both our bodies and souls — or whatever the inside of our hearts looks like — sharing the same air once again.