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Remus John Lupin is the human embodiment of comfort. He is the kind of guy that people would have a secret crush on. He is the guy that you would see one day, walking down the street then the next thing you know, you are thinking about him that night even if he is just a mere stranger to you. Remus John Lupin is simply unforgettable.
She knew that. Why? Because every single day, she would find herself thinking about him out of nowhere. His laugh. His smile. His hugs. She does the same thing before going to bed. And sometimes, when she is desperate, his name would be the one thing that she prayed about.
This is a love story. A beautiful one.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just not hers, unfortunately.
***
She was 11 when she first met the boy who wore a brown jumper. Back then, she did not know his name yet. She was entering the famous Ollivander's shop. And he was going outside of it—to the opposite direction as her. She remembers seeing the wand in his small hand, the brown knitted jumper that he wears but mostly she remembers the large smile that is printed on his face. She didn’t know why she felt so much joy just by looking at someone else’s smile.
Later that day at Diagon Alley, she would constantly look around hoping to find him once more even if it was just the back of his head. She remembers her mom telling her about a thing called a crush. And she wonders to herself if it’s possible to have a so-called thing as a crush on a stranger. So she asked her mother when they got back home. Her mother's first response was to laugh but then she crouched down to match her height with her beloved daughter—asking her why she would ask such questions like that.
She tells her about the brown sweater boy from the Ollivander’s shop. And then her mother nodded, smiling widely, saying yes. Yes, it is possible for someone to have a crush on an unknown brown sweater boy.
That night she prayed to the moon and stars. Hoping that they will meet again at Hogwarts.
And they did.
***
Getting a piece of chocolate was not something that she expected to happen when they went on the same boat to Hogwarts with two other male students. Those two were talking about how there are sea monsters under the water around them. How they will crawl around Hogwarts’ grounds at night—punishing students that dare to go out after the curfew time that has been set by the school.
“Do you want some chocolate?” That was the first time he ever talked to her directly, offering her a piece of chocolate. He must sense her uncomfortable state and the fear in her eyes as they wander to the water around them, "Go on. Here take one." He softly grabbed her wrist and then put the chocolate on the top of her palm.
"Thank you.” That was the only thing that she could say. She watched as the boy scolded the other male students, telling them to stop talking about the myth stories. The trio seems to be close, which makes her wonder if they already know each other before Hogwarts.
“Did you all know each other before?” She asked.
The trio looks at her, scarily in sync. The one with the glasses put his arms around the brown sweater boy and the charming-looking boy—who smirked as a response. “Nope. We just met on the train earlier." He replied.
“I’m Sirius Black, by the way,” The charming-looking boy shook her hand then winked. “Nice to know you."
This one is troublesome, she thought. The last name was obviously familiar to her. The Black family is quite famous in the Wizarding World.
“I’m James Potter at your service.” The glasses guy said.
Then, her eyes went onto the brown sweater guy who was already looking at her with a sweet awkward smile on his face. “I’m Remus Lupin.” Her face can’t conceal the smile on her face as she introduces herself to the trio, although her eyes remain on the guy that has been on her mind since a week ago.
James muttered about how there was another person with them but they got separated to another boat. Little did she know she was sitting with 3 out of 4 infamous future Marauders.
Moments after that, she got sorted to Hufflepuff—separated from the trio who all got sorted into Gryffindor. And on her first night at the dorm, she found herself praying to the moon and stars once more, hoping that she could be friends with the Gryffindors.
They answered her.
And it comes true.
***
She was 13 when they began to spend time together in the library. At the start of their third year.
She was reading in her usual space when he came up and sat in front of her, claiming that the other spots were occupied by other people. She only nodded before going back to read her book, thinking that he probably won't even remember who she is.
"What do you read?"
She looked up at him, head tilted slightly to her left.
Remus pointed to the book she read then replayed his question.
"A love story." She replied.
"A good one?" He asked once more.
"I can't say. I'm not done yet," She shifted in her seat slightly, looking around nervously, glancing at the book in front of him."Homeworks?"
"Yeah. History. It's quite confusing."
Then even before she realises it, the words come out of her mouth. "I can help you with that," She bites her inner cheek, cursing herself in her mind. "Only if you want me to help yo-i mean, it's not like you're struggling that much. Like you're one of the top students and I'm just m-and I'll stop right here."
The boy in front of her looks amused by her response, his mouth curved upwards, forming a half-moon smile. "Yeah, yeah sure. I can use some of your help."
And she did end up helping him with some of the questions that he found difficult. They talked a lot, mainly about books, something they found common in. And it was during this time, that she noticed the absence of his three other friends. "By the way, where is the-"
Before she could finish her words, there were loud noises coming from outside the library followed by the sounds of someone running and then there was a laugh, a very familiar one to Remus' ears. Hearing it makes a smile form on his face. It was his laugh.
"Rem, you wouldn't believe what just-oh hi." The face of young charming Sirius Black appears in front of them, his chest going up and down—the effect of running too fast from McGonagall. "Am I interrupting something?" He narrowed his eyes to his best friend.
Sirius Black is a ladies’ man. Doesn’t matter if he is only 13 going on 14, the charms and effect that he has on other girls and sometimes boys are no secrets anymore. Even she can’t deny that he is indeed a very attractive person. His boyish grin. Bad boy persona. Girls swoon over him. Boys wish they were him.
“No,” Remus closes his book then stands up. Clearly, the head and mom of the group aka Mr. James Potter himself are currently in trouble, somewhere around the school for whatever he has just done. “And what did he do now?”
She can feel Sirius's gaze lingering on her for some moment before he looks back at Remus. “Snivellus. James he-“ Sirius grinned widely, having a hard time holding his laugh. “We really should go there now. Like right now.”
Remus looks at her, a warm smile plastered on his face. “Gotta go now before James got into trouble. Thanks for your help,” And just before he ran with Sirius, he looked back at her once more. “Do tell me about the book when you’re done with it.”
Then laughter echoed as they both ran to save their beloved friend until eventually, it faded away. And for the first time since she met him in Diagon Alley, she felt that warm feeling in her chest again. She still can’t explain why she felt so much joy just by looking at his smile and hearing his laugh.
And at the last moment, she realises that he said her name at the end of his sentence.
***
It was April, Spring of 1974 when he first opened up to her. He had disappeared from the school grounds a day before, due to his time of the month. It was the first time she had ever seen him looking so tired even if it was just for a split second.
"What was that?" The sound of his voice startles her as she instantly closes the sketchbook in her hand, gripping it tightly to her lap. "Nothing." She squeaked, voice went slightly higher than usual. Eyes widened at the sight of the third-year Gryffindor.
Remus sat down next to her, leaning his back to the tree, his eyes held mischief in them—doubting her words. She gaped at him, “I’m not lying. It's nothing." She defended herself once more, trying to put on her best fake expression.
"Okay. I won't ask." He said, holding his hands up before looking around at the scenery around them. People are walking past them, some are going to their next class, some are going to meet their friends, some just want to go back to their room and take a break from this tiring magical life.
"You're not with James and the others." She stated.
He looks at her, "You're not with Lily or your Hufflepuff friends."
Funny that for the past 6 months, she has gotten closer to that Gryffindor girl and her group of friends, just as she once wished for. She thought it was just a coincidence at first but maybe there is a greater power out there that listens to her words and answers her.
"Why are you here then?" She asked. They have become closer, yes. But it is not usual for Remus to just casually pop up out of nowhere then sit next to her in a place that is not a library. Makes her wonder what he is about to do. About to say.
He shrugged, “You weren’t in the library. So I figure you’ll be here instead.” A tight smile plastered on his face as they both sat there enjoying each other's presence. Remus looks up to the sky, taking in the bright blue view above them. He always enjoys the daytime more than the nighttime. When people take their time stargazing and admiring the moon at night, he will hide beneath the shadows, hiding from the painful reminder of his fate. He envied those people, they can enjoy the beauty of the light that shines so bright, light up the dark—without having to go through so much pain.
“I’m not feeling well these days,” The words come out naturally, just like that. He never hesitates around her. He couldn’t really understand why. Her gaze fell onto him as she waited for him to continue. “There’s something in my life that I’ve always found painful and it went on a cycle. Every month the pain will come and then go and so on.”
She didn’t say anything. She just listens to him. She knows that he only wanted someone to listen to him without constantly saying reassuring words into his ears. Just listen, that is enough for him. That night she prayed again to the moon and stars to make the pain go away for the boy that radiates so much comfort. To spare him a night so he can look up to them and just stare.
They didn’t answer her. Because she asks for the impossible. Because his fate is not in their hands.
***
She was 16 when she realised she was in love with Remus Lupin and that he was in love with another. Someone that is not her. The opposite of her. Someone that would never be her.
It was the Winter’s ball and she was sitting on the stairs when the boy that radiates so much comfort suddenly fell right next to her, a frantic look on his face. His hand went to untie the tie around his neck, feeling it get tighter all of a sudden. “I think I just kissed Sirius Black.” He said very fast that she has to confirm if she heard him right.
“Please don’t say anything,” He put his head between his legs, muttering some curse words. “I’m such an idiot. I just kissed my best friend.” She put on a small smile, her hand went to pat his back trying to calm him down from the moment. A panicked Remus Lupin is not something that you see on a daily basis. He is always calm and collected one out of the 4 pranksters.
Even though the ache in her chest grew larger and larger, the fact that he comes to her during a time like this makes her feel included in his life. These little meaningless things are enough to warm her heart like he always does when he is around. “And I like it. I like kissing Sirius Black.” He confessed to her then she leaned back and listened as she always does.
Finally , she thought in her mind. The tension between the two friends is so transparent. Anyone close to them can tell that the two care deeply for one another in a different way than they do for James or Peter. “Then what is the problem?” She asked, trying to get a look at his face.
Remus looked up, hands gripping his hair. Then his eyes wander around warily before going back to her. “He froze. I-I-I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. But he froze. He froze like a deer.” He emphasises the last word with his hands.
“A-Are you drunk?” She asked, finally.
He is drunk . She had seen Sirius earlier with James in the Great Hall, accidentally eavesdropping on their conversation about smuggling firewhiskey to the dorm for the night.
But the boy didn’t listen or answer her question as he keeps going on about his current situation with Sirius. “Which is ironic, by the way, cause he is a dog. James is the deer. Peter the rat and I’m-“
“Remus!” Her hand landed on his shoulder. Stopped him just in time before he can reveal his top secret to the world. “Calm down. Everything is fine. Just calm down first.”
And when he eventually did calm down, he looked at her, taking in her situation. He was too busy thinking about Sirius that he didn’t realise that she was sitting alone on the stairs, distancing herself from the party that was happening inside.
“Why are you here?”
“I just like it……here. It’s noisy inside.”
“Did someone stood you up?!” The thought of that makes him straighten his posture. He thought about the possible pranks he and the other three marauders can do to mess with whoever is hurting his dear friend.
“No. No, I didn’t come with anyone. You know I’m not a party person.”
I want to come with you only. That part of her sentence remains in her heart.
He grabbed her right hand, holding it tightly, brushing his thumb on top of hers. Eyes locked with each other as his mouth curved into a sad smile. “You should have asked me. You wouldn’t have to go alone that way.”
She raised her eyebrow, wanting to tease him a little bit. “Wouldn’t you rather go with Sirius instead?”
He groaned, throwing his head back. “Oh please don’t remind me. He’s my best friend. And friends don’t kiss each other.” He said.
“Maybe you’re right. But I know, the fact that two friends who cared so ardently about each other, whose eyes light up when they see the other, is too significant to be called just friends.” She turned his body around to face her. He went quiet. There was nothing but silence at that moment
Then he apologised. She doesn’t know why. She never dared to ask why he said that.
He shouldn’t be sorry because there is nothing to be sorry for. She is not sad. She won’t be. Because Remus Lupin is the human embodiment of comfort. He is like a cup of hot chocolate that accompanies you during the cold days of Winter. And it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t matter if you are just his friend. His acquaintances. His classmate. It doesn’t matter if you’re just a stranger walking down the street. You will feel warm and safe around him—as if you’re tucked under a massive bundle of a blanket. As if you were a child whose mum just finished reading a bedtime story.
She wishes she can be the person that will experience that feeling for the rest of her life. She wanted to be able to keep him close. But she can only dream about it and even then, in her loveliest dream, he would still have his eyes on Sirius only.
“I’m in love with Sirius Black.” He said at the end of the night.
And she learns to accept the truth.
After that night, she stopped praying to the moon and stars.
***
It was the summer of 1978 when James Fleamont Potter and Lily Marie Evans got married.
That day was like a breath of fresh air in the middle of such a dark time. Every problem that was happening outside the area suddenly vanished into the air. The only important thing was to celebrate. To live in the moment. To reconcile with friends that they have not met since graduation. Not many were there. The wedding was very much secretive due to the First Wizarding War.
Her eyes found Remus’ on the other side of the room. He raised his glass slightly to greet her from the distance between them which she replied with a subtle nod. She then saw his eyes light up as they went to something or someone behind her. Turning around, she found herself standing in front of the best man and the main attraction of the event—Sirius Black. Someone that would never be her.
“Hey, little puff.” She shakes her head at the nickname that he gave her. He has been calling that since their third or fourth year, she can’t precisely remember when. His eyes went to scan her dress. “You’re looking good. You’re here with someone or are you alone?”
“Are you flirting with me, Black?” She raised her eyebrows to him, narrowing her eyes to the tall man. A playful smile appears on his face and he holds up both of his hands in the air. “Old habits tend to appear by themselves when pretty women are around.” He exclaimed.
She rolled her eyes, knowing that he was just joking around her. “Nice to see you too, Sirius.” She said, smiling at the slightly older man.
“Likewise, little puff.” He grabbed two glasses of wine from the waiter that had just passed them, shoving one of them into her hand. Both pairs of eyes fell onto the newlywed couple as Lily laughed at something that James said. She was practically glowing at that time. There was no time when Lily has ever looked happier than she is right now with the love of her life.
“Are you not planning to confess anytime soon?” Sirius empties his glass of wine, glancing at the shorter girl beside him, making her freeze for a moment before looking at the side of his face. Then, her eyes went onto Remus's figure once more.
“Does it matter?” She said, “His heart is yours. And it will stay that way forever. He is happy with you. Why should I ruin that?”
He nodded then pointed to her chest. “Cause you’re hurting yourself, little puff. It’s not good for your heart. I’ve seen what kind of damage that action can do to someone.” His eyes flickered to James for a moment. The image of his younger brother appeared in his mind. “Love is an awful feeling. It hurts you. Makes you feel frightened. Makes you doubt yourself. That is why it’s something that you don’t want to do on your own.”
A sad smile appeared on her face as Sirius leaned down to her. “So one day, if you want to get rid of that pain in your chest. I want you to know that I’m okay with it.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulder, bringing her into his warm embrace. “I care for you, little puff. And so does he. He loves you in a different way, but as special as he does to me. You’re his dear friend.”
He wiped a tear that fell down her cheek when he pulled back. Her eyes are already brimming with tears. “Thank you, Sirius.” She said before watching him as he went back to take his place beside Remus.
In her mind, she wonders if this happiness could last a little longer.
But of course, it can’t.
The fates hate it when good things are happening.
The gods are greedy.
They only want tragedy.
People should have known better that when happiness comes, madness will follow after. They should have learned their lessons.
Cause months later, Marlene Mckinnon, their beloved friend, was found dead.
And that was a reminder of the cruel world they’re living in. That the war is still going on outside there.
***
It all happened so quickly. So many Patronus cast that day. Begging for others' help. Spreading the news of the defeated Dark Lord. Of the death of the Potter family. Of the Boy Who Lived.
She was hiding when she heard the news of the passing of her two beloved friends—leaving one-year-old Harry as a surviving orphan in such a cruel world. Right after she received a Patronus about the Longbottoms, Alice and Frank.
And God forbids her to take a break. Forbids her to properly mourn and grieve over the death of her friends and her family. Because after that, another piece of news comes up. This time about Peter and Sirius. And the 12 innocent muggles that he killed in cold-blooded murder. The news of Sirius betraying his best friend. The news of Sirius killing his friend until there was only a finger left of him.
She slumped against the door, looking around to see the mess she has made in the tiny room that she has occupied for the past few weeks in hiding. Her wand, held in her right hand, as the left one went to cover her face. Pain erupted in her chest when the realisation hit. They have won, people said on the streets. But it cost so much. It costs almost everything for her.
Almost. She thought about how Remus would probably be the next news she heard at that moment. She braced herself for that news. She waited, not being able to move from her position as shock took over her body, as it went through the first stage of grief. When nothing comes, she stands up and apparates to his place, with all of the strength left in her body.
***
By the time she arrived at Remus’s (and Sirius’s) hiding place, she was greeted by a wand pointed at her and the familiar chocolate-like eyes that were no longer filled with warmth or comfort. She pursed her lips then let out a shaky breath, not being able to find her voice.
The hand that holds his wand begins to shake as he points it at her, wanting her to prove if she’s actually herself or not. She opened her mouth and let the words roll out by themselves, something that only the two of them would know.
She expected him to embrace her at the end of her sentence, but he only lowered his wand then disappeared behind the door, inviting her in. Just when she stepped in, the sound of glass breaking was heard from the kitchen area.
He stood in the middle of the area, looking down—not wanting to look at any furniture because every single trace in this safe house reminds him of him . Of Sirius. He leans forward and grips the edge of the pantry and for the first time that day, he looks at her, letting her take in his messy appearance that is no different than her current condition. “ He is gone. ” He said, finally. “It’s always like that, isn’t it? It is either you die or live long enough to become the traitor .”
“I can’t believe I loved him,” His heart breaks at the thought of using past tense to describe his love. They were just here together, hours before it all happened. They have plans. Multiple of them. For their future. Together.
“Remus, stop.” She croaked, as his hand hovers above the single glass that is left in the pantry, the last one remaining—as everything else has already been thrown to the floor by him.
“No. No. No. You don’t get it. I don’t think you are hearing me right now,” His hand gripped the top of his hair as the other pointed at the framed picture that is now laying down, broken, on the floor. “ He is gone. James died . Lily died . Peter died . Sirius gone hauled into Azkaban. You will not understan-“
“THEY WERE MY FRIENDS TOO.” She finally snapped, no longer able to hold the tears anymore. A shaky breath escaped from her throat as she tried to find her voice back. Her eyes burned with hot tears— she looked up, and for the first time in years, she prayed again, begging to God, to the moon, to the stars, or to any greater power that existed up there to wake her up from this nightmare. Begging them to stop the pain.
“ Marlene ,”
“ Mary ,”
“ Alice and Frank ,”
“They were all my friends too.” She slowly walked towards him, careful to not step onto the piece of glass—shattered on the floor. And when she is in front of him, she brings her hand to hold his face before letting him bury himself on her shoulder as his arms wrapped themselves around her waist.
They hold onto each other for what feels like hours. Trying to absorb the comforting feeling before it fades away completely. Trying to remind each other to stay sane. Trying to seek warmness in the cold of the night. Before they let go of each other.
She stayed with Remus that day. Fixing the mess he made. And then she stayed the day after. And she stayed again. And again. And again. Making sure she can fill at least half of the emptiness Sirius has left in Remus’s heart.
They helped each other during those days. Living together—in a different place now cause Remus can’t handle being in a place where every corner reminds him of his one true love. Then eventually, they become each other's lifeline, the one thread that keeps the others alive. The sole reason why both are still holding on.
She tried to argue with Dumbledore regarding Harry’s situation. But he strictly forbids the two from having any kind of contact with the young child. There is nothing that they can do without going against Dumbledore’s order. So they stay down, not being able to see how similar the little boy looks to his father, how his eyes are the copied version of his mother’s. Harry will not remember his uncle Moony. And he won’t remember her either.
***
She was nearing the age of 30 when the news of her younger brother's sickness reached her ears. Her brother. The remaining one of what used to be her family. They all died during the War, except for him. He married a muggle, said that he wants nothing to do with magic anymore cause it’s so painful for him.
Instantly she packages all of her things and plans to travel there with the muggle transportation. And for once, she doesn’t know when she will come back home. If she would ever come back here.
That night, she and Remus sat on the front porch, talking about their life, a cup of hot chocolate in their hand as they laughed together at a memory. The marauders' story in Hogwarts. The happiness that once was there for such a long time.
“We’ve been through a lot,” She said, circling the rim of her cup, bringing it to her mouth.
“Yeah, we did.”
Her eyes flickered to the side of his face. She has been thinking about what Sirius had said to her many years ago. About getting rid of the pain in her chest. “You know, Rem. I just realised that I never got to tell you the end of the book.” Their minds went back to when they met in the library.
“How was it?” He asked with warmness coated his voice.
She looks up to the ceiling, letting out a breath. “It wasn’t a love story but rather a story of love. Cause, if it’s a love story then the characters will get their happy ending, together. That’s not what happened to them, but there is something about the ending that I found so beautiful. I guess some people would disagree with me and say that it ends with a sad ending. You see, the characters did get their happy ending in a different way than they expected it to be. That does not mean it’s a sad ending.”
Remus hummed quietly from beside her then he spoke, “I think……….I think some endings are meant to be interpreted differently.” He turned to her and found her already looking at him with sincerity in her eyes.
Go on , he thought. Let it all out.
“I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately.” She looked at him as if he would vanish into the air if she ever looked away or blinked for a split second. “Remus, I……..I have been irrevocably in love with you for so many years now.” She confessed with a smile on her face. She can feel a weight being removed from her shoulder.
A knowing smile appeared on his face as he nodded, gesturing for her to continue her words. “But you already know that. You’ve known about that for years. So did Sirius. And the others.” She paused, thinking about what to say next. “I’m not expecting an answer. Cause whatever the situation is, even if the past, future, or present change. Even if we’re living in another universe. The outcome will stay the same. Your heart will always be his. Like his has always been yours.”
Then they just stared at each other. No words had been said. No responses.
Just silence from him as he looks into her eyes.
“There was a time………where I thought I could love you the way I do for him.” She noted that he didn’t use past tense as he spoke about Sirius. “There was a time where I tried to. I wish I could. Cause loving you would have been so much easier than loving him. Cause you were right here and you weren’t going anywhere else. But I guess you were right, it always ended the same.”
She nodded then looked at her now emptied cup.
“Is it gone?” He asked, carefully touching the tip of her shoulder. By the time she looked at him, tears were already coming out of her eyes. Her mouth curved into a sad smile as she nodded. For the first time in years, the heavy feeling in her chest evaporated into the air. “Come here.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulder. He kissed the top of her head while she leaned her head on his shoulder.
The next day, she went to her brother’s house.
Remus hasn't seen or heard anything from her since then.
***
He thought his world was going to end as he watched Sirius go into the veil. Gone. Forever taken away from his grasp as he holds Harry back from going to Bellatrix as if he doesn’t want to do the same. As if he wasn’t holding back the scream that he let out in his heart.
Take me with him , he begs the Gods.
But they didn’t listen to his words.
So he changed his words.
Take her to me , he tried once more.
This time they listen. They answered his words.
She showed up during the next Orde of The Phoenix meeting where she met Harry for the first time since he was just a baby. Where she met so many familiar faces. Where she saw Remus once more. He had been the first one to greet her, without saying anything, he went up and took her into his warm embrace—which she leaned into almost immediately. He silently cried to her shoulder. Both found themselves in the same position as they were years ago, mourning over another loss of their family.
The others left them alone to have their moment. The younger bunch of the group asks Molly Weasley about who she is. She could only answer that the woman is a dear friend of Remus Lupin and the Orde. Harry could swear he had seen her around Privet Drive Number 4 before.
Watching them as they naturally interact without any hesitation beside the others, makes Harry wonder what the nature of their relationship is. He had seen Remus happier before beside his Godfather. But this was something different. Something that he can’t really explain with words.
It was not until 2 years later that Harry finally understood what they had. When he found the two of them, laying down beside each other, hand stretched out but did not have enough time to reach the other—both no longer breathing. He does not know their stories but he remembered that Sirius had once talked about her when he was still there. He remembers that Remus, himself, had mentioned her very vaguely during his teaching time at Hogwarts.
That day he understands that even though Remus' heart will always be Sirius'. There will be a part of him that yearns for her. Longing for her. Because they are bound together. There is a single thread that connects the two wherever they go, no matter how far they were from each other.
She can’t survive without him.
He can’t survive if it weren’t for her.
That’s why she came when he subconsciously called for her. That’s why they keep saving each other from the madness in this world. And that is why there won’t be a world where Remus died and she remained.