Archive of Our Own

It only really hit Josh after the show had ended. 

They had just played at the Newport, the venue where Josh met Tyler, where they had set their intertwining minds into unstoppable motion. They loved this venue, had played it once or twice after Josh had joined the band. After Tyler wanted him to play. After he chose him. 

They had never sold out this venue. They had never sold out any venue for that matter.  

Until now. 

Tyler was practically beaming after he walked off-stage, lighting up the hallway to the greenroom a thousand times over. He had run off-stage, Josh trailing behind him, realizing that they had actually done that. The entire capacity was filled, and each one of those people cared enough to show up and sing along. Josh felt his chest fill with warmth to the point of bursting. 

“Dude!” Tyler exclaimed, pulling Josh into the biggest crushing hug he had ever given him in the year and a half he had known him. 

They didn’t really hug much, if at all. Even if they were best friends. Josh was just a little scared to do it. 

He knew Tyler was his best friend. He knew it since the day he met him. He just had to let it sink in, and it had for a while, but best friend didn’t seem to encompass everything that Tyler was to him.

They didn’t touch as much as Josh would’ve liked, but they were slowly opening up more and more to each other. Late nights would be filled with not only Mario Kart games, but confessions, secrets, fears and hopes and dreams. Josh had never really been this close with anyone, so he didn’t know what he was doing. But neither did Tyler, which Tyler confessed to him, so Josh felt alright. 

He leaned into the hug, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s back as he pressed himself further into him. He couldn’t help but burrow his head into Tyler’s shoulder, but Tyler didn’t mind. He just pressed further, swaying with him as the leftover adrenaline mixed with the sweat on their skin. 

They eventually pulled apart, Tyler’s grin a welcome sight. Josh thought he could stare at him forever. 

“I can’t believe we just did that,” he breathed, leaning his back against the hallway wall. 

Josh watched as Tyler’s heaving chest kept even time. “We sold it out. We--we’re doing it, Tyler. We’re making it!” he said with excitement as Tyler leaned over to him and rested his head on his shoulder. 

“I knew we could,” Tyler whispered as the tips of his fluffy brown hair brushed against Josh’s neck. 

Josh started to breathe in time with him too, letting a warm smile settle on his face. He didn’t care if he was sweaty and disheveled and out of his mind. He had just sold out his first show with his best friend. 

But he was more than that. He was everything to Josh. If he could give him every constellation in the sky, he would do it in a heartbeat. 

He couldn’t think about what it all meant. Not now. Not when Tyler was against him, humming softly, dressed in matching red and relying on Josh in tandem. 

“Yeah. Me too.”

--

Something seemed to shift after that. 

Josh didn’t really know what it was, or if he could even explain it, but the energy between him and Tyler seemed more…open? Yeah, that was the right word. 

It was free-flowing. They weren’t holding back anymore, or at least, they were both trying not to. After the show, they both went back to the rental house, barely making it in the front door before they both collapsed on the couch.

Sometimes Josh would just stay over at Tyler’s, especially more recently. They practically spent every second together, with all the music and video games and just talking. Why wouldn’t Josh spend as much time as possible with him? It just made sense. Tyler was his entire life now. It was illogical to be apart from him. 

They had a few days off before the next show, which they spent making more music, rambling, and laughing at the dumbest things. Michael and Mark lived in the rental house too and never batted an eye at Josh being around so much. 

Josh wished he could live here. He doesn’t really like his apartment, much less his roommates. Those guys were his friends before Josh knew what true friends really were. He had already emotionally grown out of them, but at the moment he was stuck in some sort of weird liminal space with them. A friendship purgatory, or something. 

He’d have to work on the term. 

He desperately wished he could live here with Tyler though and spend even more time with him. He never knew how to bring it up, or if it was even a thought he should be having. After all, every day they were getting closer, but Josh didn’t know how to identify the point in which they were close enough to make that next step. He figured if Tyler wanted him, he would ask, so he buried the thought back down.

Now, they were approaching their next show at some park in Piqua. More? Mote? If he couldn’t remember, Tyler probably couldn’t either, since he was the one who remembered faces better.  

They were on the road. Josh was sitting next to Tyler in the back of the van, which was their sort of “safe haven”, if you will. Josh always thought of the back of the van as a place to escape from it all. Most nights over the summer where they couldn’t get a hotel and had to sleep in the van, they would share the mattress in the back. Josh was always careful to give Tyler his space. He never really touched him, or cuddled with him, no matter how much he really wanted to. 

He had to stop thinking about Tyler’s arms around him. He didn’t know why it made him feel so warm and safe inside. Tyler was just a friend. 

Just a friend. His best friend. That’s it. 

“Josh?” he heard Tyler comment, looking up from the burrito he was eating. Michael had picked them up Taco Bell about thirty minutes ago. Josh had zoned out thinking about Tyler with his own taco still half-eaten in his hand. “You good, bro?”

Josh started kicking himself internally, feeling embarrassed but not really knowing why. Way to go, Josh. Tyler is gonna see how much of a dork you are. 

He probably had already seen that at this point, and Josh was severely overdramatizing the whole situation, but still. 

“Y-yeah,” he managed to get out, just barely, hurriedly stuffing a bite of taco in his mouth. 

Tyler just grinned, laughed a little with that lighthearted giggle of his. It was adorable. “Whatcha thinking about?”

You , Josh wanted to say. I’m thinking about how much you’re confusing me and how much I’m scared of this and scared of you not liking me and then you realizing you wanna leave me--

Slow down, Josh. Now is not the time.

“Just the show,” he started. “And how excited I am because of the last one.” 

Well, that wasn’t a complete lie. 

Tyler gave a small hum as he positioned his back against the side of the van. “I’m excited too,” he smiled, then looked at Josh. His stare would always make Josh feel cornered and stuck in place, almost like he couldn’t pull away. “After all this touring, I think things are finally paying off.”

“Yeah,” Josh breathed. “This is all I’ve really dreamed about. I mean, you knew that, obviously.”

“I did,” Tyler laughed, and Josh joined in on the sound. “I think all that dreaming did us some good.”

Josh didn’t really know exactly what he was feeling at that moment, but he knew the magnitude was so big that he felt like he could overflow. 

“I think all your hard work did us even more good,” Josh admitted, and at that moment he didn’t even care if it sounded cheesy. 

“Aww,” Tyler vocalized quietly before ducking his head down. 

Things went silent for a little bit except for the occasional quiet remarks passed back and forth between Mark (their creative director) and Michael (their tour manager). Eventually, Tyler balled up his trash, reached over and took Josh’s, and then settled back into the spot where he was sitting. Except now he was moving closer, mirroring what he started doing after the show at the Newport. He was leaning in, and Josh thought maybe he would just stay there, not do anything else, or just put his head on his shoulder again. 

What Josh wasn’t expecting was Tyler’s soft, barely-calloused fingers to brush against his thigh and stay there silently. 

Josh had never felt so alive by a touch before. 

He needed more. 

“I’m really glad I get to do this with you Josh,” he said softly, his voice soft and low. 

Josh didn’t know how he managed to breathe. “I’m really glad I get to do this with you, too.”

They stayed like that for the rest of the ride. 

--

The show went pretty well, with no major snags or anything getting in their way. The park outside was pretty chilly as far as Ohio went, but once Josh started to pound on his drums, he worked up enough of a sweat to keep warm. 

He couldn’t help but watch Tyler on stage, who was taking every breath and singing every note with passion. The way he moved was so enthralling that Josh nearly dropped his sticks multiple times. 

He really didn’t know how he didn’t see it before. Tyler was a beast. 

Not a monster that was grotesque, or something to be feared, but a creature that was mythical and majestic. It was like he was a dragon finally set free from his chains, no longer bound and restricted. It was mesmerizing to watch.  

Suddenly, Tyler looked over to him, singing his heart out with his eyes sparkling and wind in his hair. 

Josh couldn’t tell you why, but he blushed.

-- 

They had a few days off before their next show. Now, they were kicking off a few shows in their December run, starting with one in Chicago. Josh could tell that Tyler was nervous. He didn’t even have to say anything, and maybe that was the giveaway. While Josh would ramble when his anxiety was flaring up, Tyler would go completely silent. Just the slightest noise out of his own control would make him even more stressed. 

It didn’t help that some random guys started to pick on them as they were setting up their equipment. The drunken guys took one look at Tyler and started to hound him with every homophobic insult they could think of. 

It didn’t take long before Josh was losing his composure, and before he knew what was happening, something was taking a hold of him, like a stronger, more confident version of himself came to the rescue at the last minute. 

“Hey assholes! Just leave him alone!” Josh yelled, getting in both guys’ faces. 

“And who are you? His boyfriend?” one of them sneered. 

Josh’s heart skipped a beat at how much he liked the sound of that word. 

Not now. 

Just then, before Josh could say anything else, Michael was stepping between him and the guys. He said something vaguely intimidating or threatening. Josh couldn’t remember what. Not when he was looking back to see that Tyler had shrunken in on himself and that his reserved, cautious demeanor had taken even more of a beating. 

His eyes were glassy, sparkling in the stage lights, and suddenly time stood still. There was so much pain in those eyes, so much heart, but in the split second he was staring at Josh, all of that seemed to fade away. 

That was until he walked off and disappeared quickly backstage. 

Josh ran immediately after him and when they were in the hallway of the venue, Tyler looked startled to see him. 

“Josh--” he tried to get out, but Josh was already grabbing him lightly by the shoulder and pulling them into their green room. 

Josh closed the door behind him quickly, and without a second thought, he brought Tyler swiftly into his arms and held him. Tyler’s remaining tension only lasted a second before he melted into the contact. He wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck weakly and buried his head into his shoulder. His breaths were uneven and jagged. 

“Hey, just breathe for me, okay? In and out. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.” Tyler did what he was told as Josh guided him through it, his hands rubbing gently up and down his back. “Good. That’s good, Ty.”

Josh had realized he had let the little affectionate nickname roll off his tongue without a second thought. He had never called him that before. 

Tyler looked just as surprised because he was pulling away slightly to look at him. Josh suddenly felt a deep pang of guilt wash over him. 

“Ty?” he asked slowly. 

Josh gulped. “S-sorry. I didn’t know if you liked that nickname or not--”

Tyler’s eyes were suddenly lighting up, some of the color returning in his face. He looked warm. Almost happy to be in Josh’s arms. It made Josh ache. 

“No, no. I like it,” he said, and suddenly he was blushing. “It’s just that no one has ever called me that before.”

“Oh,” Josh said slowly, and now he was smiling too. 

Tyler hands lowered to rest around Josh’s waist. The movements made Josh almost shudder. “Now you just need a nickname.”

Josh just laughed as he watched Tyler wrack his brain. 

“Jish,” he finally settled with. “I like Jish.”

Josh beamed even more. 

“Yeah. I like Jish too.”

--

The comfort had helped Tyler through, for this show at least. Now they were onto the next, and Tyler was still nervous. This time, he was having more of a quiet day. He hadn’t mentioned Josh’s hug or anything that happened in the green room. Josh didn’t blame him. It sort of came from left-field, but now that he thought about it, it really didn’t. They hugged after Newport. 

Maybe this would become more of a common occurrence. Josh hoped it would. 

When Tyler’s sunken demeanor didn’t go away after the show had ended, he 100% knew that it was just Tyler having an off-day. He hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him the whole day, didn’t really talk or joke. He was unsure if he could really be of any help. Sure, they were best friends, but did Tyler trust him that way yet? He hoped he did, but Josh still wasn’t sure. 

He knew that Tyler’s behavior was a common thing. He was becoming quite versed in the way Tyler acted, in all the little quirks and habits he had that cued Josh into whatever emotion he was feeling. So naturally, Josh knew that Tyler could act a few different ways after a show. 

For the first, he could be excited and giddy. If they had a good show (and they’d been having a lot of them even before Newport), Tyler would bounce on the balls of his feet, walk with more of a spring in his step, perk up and engage even more in conversation than normal. Just little things like that to show he was happy. It went without saying that Josh loved this reaction the most. 

If he wasn’t happy, and if it was just a show that went “fine”, not really good but not terrible, he would be indifferent. Usually after shows, either on the way back to the rental house or to a hotel or place to park the van for the night, Tyler would talk with him, Mark, and Michael about things to improve for the show. Or rather, Tyler mainly talked to Josh about it and the other two friends occasionally chimed in with their thoughts or approval. Tyler was always looking for ways to make their show better so they could be the best they could be, even if it was a lofty feat. Still, Josh admired his dedication and took inspiration to work harder from him. 

Then there was the least favorite: the one where there would be a bad show, and Tyler would be upset. Well, not outwardly upset, but Josh could tell based on his shorter sentences that he was obviously holding back. Most nights after these shows, Josh would just leave him be and let him deal with it on his own and come back to him when he was ready. 

But now things were different. Even though he was scared of doing anything to make it worse the entire day, he was growing tired of holding back just because he was worried he wouldn’t do a good enough job. They knew each other now. They really understood. 

So when Tyler was sitting in the back of the van in silence, his body completely still with a hazy look in his eyes, Josh didn’t stop himself.

He let his hand wander to brush against the top of Tyler’s hands, resting there, a silent question, asking if any of this was okay. He wouldn’t push it. If Tyler didn’t want the contact, he wouldn’t force it. He didn’t really even know what he was doing or asking for. 

But Tyler didn’t pull away. He didn’t flinch. Instead, wordlessly, eyes still fixed on the ground. He ghosted his fingers away from Josh’s a bit before positioning them to fit in his. He squeezed tightly.

He didn’t let go. 

--

Being asleep didn’t last long. 

The temperature was dropping in and out, which wouldn’t be a problem if every night was a hotel night. But every night wasn’t because they had to spend their money wisely in order to not go broke after the first week of touring. They had mastered this art all through playing shows in the summer, but the cold wasn’t a problem then. At night, they could all spread out in the van and stay at a relatively comfortable temperature with ease. 

But now, it was winter. And depending on where they went, it would be cold. Tonight was an especially rough night. Josh had been managing on his own up until this point. He learned to pull his knees up to his chest and control his breaths to keep warm. 

None of that was working right now. 

With his heart stuttering, he realized Tyler hadn’t let go of his hand. Not even in sleep. 

Josh blushed to no one. 

Surely Tyler wouldn’t mind if he got a little closer. Because of their budget, they could only share one blanket. Tyler was still relatively close. What harm would there be if Josh just threw his arm around him and came closer?

There would be lots of harm. Extreme amounts of harm , Josh thought to himself. He didn’t want Tyler to wake up and realize what he was doing. Josh didn’t know if he could handle the sight of Tyler coming to consciousness and writhing away from his grasp. He guessed he’d just have to suffer through the cold. He could still play drums with hypothermia, right?

Just as Josh was moving to roll over and try to fall back asleep, he felt the grip of Tyler’s hand get stronger. He started mumbling softly to himself before Josh could make out what he was saying. 

“Josh…” he said sleepily, eyelids fluttering as he let out a sigh. 

Josh had to remember how to speak. “Y-Yeah?” he asked, his voice low and timid. 

“So cold…” he mumbled into his pillow. 

“Do you want my sweatshirt?” Josh offered, because even though he was still freezing with it on, he would gladly give it up in a heartbeat if it meant that Tyler was warm. 

He didn’t really think that was the kind of stuff best friends did. It was the stuff boyfriends did. 

There was that word again. Josh swallowed slightly before listening to Tyler’s breathing. 

“No…just…hmm..”

And with that, Tyler moved closer to Josh, wrapping his arms around him and letting his head rest on his chest. His legs tangled with Josh’s, his knees resting and separating Josh’s legs. He let out an airy sigh as he burrowed into Josh.

“Better…” he mumbled before falling deeper into sleep again. 

Josh’s heart was on fire as soon as they settled into each other. 

At that moment, everything seemed to make sense. 

It was easy to deny it when Josh only had limited contact with Tyler. But here with his best friend clinging to him for warmth under a blanket on a shitty van mattress, he finally started to understand. Josh noticed the curve of Tyler’s lips, the sweep of his eyelashes, the bridge of his nose. Every feature came together to create their own symphony. Tyler was a work of art. 

This couldn’t be love, could it?

It was a complete coincidence that Tyler had started to incorporate the song We Found Love into Guns For Hands , the final song of the show. It was just a song that people knew. It didn’t reflect what was happening here. 

But just for tonight, as he drifted off to sleep, feeling so comfortably warm, Josh pretended that it did. 

--

They didn’t talk about it the next morning. Tyler had only woken up, flashing Josh a sleepy grin before jumping out of the Van to order McDonald’s with Michael. Josh couldn’t help but watch him walk all the way into the restaurant. He didn’t know he was staring until Mark was raising his voice a little. 

“Hey? Josh? Hello?” Mark was calling to him from the passenger seat. 

Josh snapped out of it, shaking his head involuntarily as he met Mark’s eyes apologetically. 

“I was just saying that it’s your turn to pump gas…” he trailed off a bit as he noticed Josh looking out the window one last time. 

“Oh. Yeah sure, I’ll do that now,” Josh assured him before Mark was smiling a little. 

“You seem… distracted ,” Mark said a bit smugly, drawing out the last word. 

Josh froze a little. Mark definitely knew that he was staring at Tyler. There wasn’t really any way for him to explain himself out of this. 

Fortunately (or unfortunately, he couldn’t decide) for him, Mark started to talk again. “Hey man, if I was that close to Tyler, I’d be checking him out too.”

“What--Mark I wasn’t--that was--” Josh stuttered, his cheeks turning red. “I wasn’t checking him out,” Josh finally choked out. 

Mark only gave him a teasing grin and an eyebrow raise which clearly signaled that he had gotten the best of Josh. “I’ll go do the gas,” he said, almost as if it was a consolation to Josh getting completely embarrassed. 

While he was standing outside near the pump, Michael and Tyler got back into the car, Tyler climbing right next to Josh and sitting with him, shoulder to shoulder, and handing him his egg McMuffin and hash browns. 

If Tyler noticed the persistent blush on Josh’s face, he didn’t say anything. 

--

That day, they stayed in town, Tyler excited at the prospect that they had another interview planned. Sometimes, in addition to getting to play shows, some small radio station would be kind enough to offer them one. They’d be crazy to refuse. They needed to get their name out there somehow, even if Tyler’s primary way of achieving that was with the music itself. 

They had another interview with Fearless Radio, a station that had interviewed them back in July. Josh thought back to that time during those hot summer months where all he had was Tyler by his side in the heat. By then, they were still just getting comfortable around each other. Sure, they’d joke, sit close to one another. But now it was different. Josh was noticing things about Tyler that he’d never care to notice about other people. He would relate to him and tell him things he’d never say out loud to anyone else. 

And maybe, just maybe, Josh thought Tyler was cute. Just a little bit. 

They were both sitting in the lounge area of the building, Josh on the edge of a black leather couch while Tyler was on the tan one near him. Mark had taken a picture of them both looking off at whatever and looking distant, but Josh felt anything but. With his graphic tee, brown jeans, black shoes, and keys attached at his hip, he felt overdressed. Like he appeared cooler than he actually was. He fiddled with one of the white gauges in his ears before turning to look at Tyler. 

The sudden wave of anxiety Josh got as he heard one assistant tell them the interview would start in five minutes hit Josh in full force. His leg started bouncing while his hands started to shake, his breath staggering as he tried to control it. He always hated how sporadic his anxiety could be. For weeks it would stay at a manageable level, but out of the blue, it would just hit him in uncontrollable bursts. He didn’t really know how he’d ever be able to manage it. 

As he looked at Tyler, he couldn’t stop staring again. How could he not? What, with that gray sweatshirt under his black leather jacket and his short hair and pretty eyes and-

Tyler was moving to meet him, getting up on his feet and sitting down right next to Josh. His hand brushed his fingers lightly and intertwined them loosely with his own. 

Josh forgot how to breathe. It was one thing for Josh to initiate holding Tyler’s hand, and to try and justify it by saying that it was a friendly thing when clearly, he felt like it wasn’t. But for Tyler to initiate it without any warning? It made his entire body weak. 

Tyler looked up to meet his eyes, giving him a small smile. “You alright?”

Josh’s mind was swimming with a thousand thoughts, but all he could manage to say was a small “Mhm” and nod swiftly. He was alright now that Tyler was here. 

Tyler was now smiling sweetly, holding onto Josh’s hand tighter. “Good.”

---

After the interview, they had a day off before their next show, one back in Lebanon, Ohio. Josh was grateful for the little days of break. Even though it didn’t seem like much, he would take full advantage of it. He needed the rest, and so did the rest of the crew. 

He should’ve felt grateful for it. He should’ve thanked the luck of Michael’s booking schedule that he had some time to sleep in his actual bed, and rest his tired body after going nonstop for days straight. But all he felt was…loneliness. His bed was empty, and the lack of contact with the guys was making him distract himself by going out and doing errands and then sitting around in his apartment all day, laying on his couch and watching reruns of X-Files.

Even though he said he missed “the guys” as a plural, he missed Tyler more than any of them. In fact, he practically spent the entire day sitting around thinking about him. He tried to come to a conclusion based on what he knew. 

For one, Tyler was his best friend. He could see that now, after confessions and jokes and laughter, after emotional distress and quiet secrets. They were in this for life. 

For another, Josh thought Tyler was cute. He really couldn’t help it. How could he not? Tyler’s hair was so soft, and his eyes were so warm, and besides the physical, he was beautiful inside too. He was loyal and kind and honest. He was everything he could ever want, everything he didn’t know he needed. And Josh was still denying that this was really a “crush”, because it felt like so much more than that. It felt so much more serious, so much more real. 

But the last thing that Josh knew and was more certain about than anything else was the fact that he couldn’t act on his feelings, no matter how much he wanted to. No, he couldn’t ruin his relationship with Tyler, as bandmates, and as friends. He had to suck it up and bury it down, no matter how hard it would be. 

This was easier said than done, because as soon as Josh went over this fact in his head, his phone started to buzz with the familiar vibration of a phone call. 

Josh picked it up to see who it was. His heart nearly stopped as he realized it was Tyler. 

“Tyler?” he asked, coming off more timid than he intended.

“Hey Josh,” he returned, sounding a bit more cheery than him, but still hesitant. “What’s up?”

Josh was almost taken about by the casual nature of the conversation, but he was happy to be talking to Tyler nonetheless. “Not doing much. Just laying around.”

Tyler gave a small chuckle at that, to which Josh blushed. “Has your day been weird too?”

Josh gave a sigh of relief at that. “Super weird,” he laughed, and then, without thinking, he added, “I missed you a lot.”

Immediately after he let it slip, he froze, expecting Tyler to just shrug it off or not acknowledge it. 

Instead, he was met with even more of Tyler’s soft, perfect laughter. “I missed you too.” And then, when Josh thought he couldn’t get more happy, Tyler continued. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come over?”

Josh felt like every star had aligned at the same time. Of course he wanted to see him. He wanted to spend every possible second with him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life--

He couldn’t say any of that. He settled with a small, “I’d love that.”

“Great!” Tyler said, perking up. “I’ll order us some real food. Not just Taco Bell.”

“Tyler, you don’t have to--”

“Too late. I already called it in before I called you.”

Josh was blushing even more. “You ordered the food…before you even knew I was gonna say yes to coming over?”

Tyler giggled again. “Well, yeah. I knew you wouldn’t say no.”

With the tone of Tyler’s voice, Josh almost thought he was flirting. He had to be delusional. “You got me there.”

When the laughter subsided, Tyler came back in again. “Alright so, be here in twenty minutes?”

“Make it ten,” Josh said confidently as he got up from his couch. 

Josh could hear Tyler’s grin. “That’s what I like to hear.”

--

Tyler had wasted no time or enthusiasm welcoming him into the rental house. As soon as Josh saw him, with his comfortable gray sweatpants and his soft hoodie, he couldn’t help but stop and stare. He was embarrassed with himself, but Tyler didn’t seem to notice. He really couldn’t keep it together. Tyler was just so perfect. It was incredibly challenging not to fantasize about him, which Josh was doing a lot of. 

They sat down on the couch side by side, Tyler curled into the corner while Josh stayed on the other side. Tyler’s socked feet occasionally poked him as they ate their Olive Garden and watched a rerun of some movie Josh wasn’t paying attention to. He could really only focus on the commentary he and Tyler were making, on the way Tyler laughed, the way his eyes lit up and the way his feet would sometimes bump against him. Tyler was the cutest person he had ever seen. 

After they finished eating, they dove into their traditional Mario Kart Tournaments they’d always have when Josh came over. He was always Yoshi, and Tyler was always Mario, and they’d always play Mario Kart 64 because Tyler swore the franchise fell off after that game. Tyler would normally sit close to Josh, and Josh would never mind that their shoulders were practically touching by the end of it. 

But now, Josh was hyper-aware of it. All of it felt different. Now, those touches weren’t just friendly to him. He wanted Tyler pressed up against him in different ways, meaning that he wanted him in his arms and just wanted to cuddle with him and forget about the world for a little while. The whole world could wait, because the whole world wasn’t anything outside of Columbus. No, for Josh, the whole world was Tyler. And if Tyler would have him, then he’d be the luckiest person alive.

Just then, Tyler was moving closer to him, their thighs bumping into each other’s as Tyler smiled with his tongue in-between his teeth. 

Josh lost most of the games, but of course it wasn’t because of how adorable Tyler looked. It definitely wasn’t that. 

After they finished their games, it was already getting a little late. Joking around with Tyler always made time fly. But now, with the stars shining outside and the house getting darker with the lack of lights on, all Josh could really make out was the soft glow of Tyler’s face with the light of the lamp in the corner of the room. His eyes were warm, his smile was soft, and Josh had never felt so entranced by a face before. 

He was staring again. As soon as he looked away while blushing, Tyler smiled more, saying nothing. Would he ever say anything about it? Josh hoped he would and he wouldn’t at the same time. He didn’t know what he wanted. That was the hardest part. 

“It’s getting late,” Josh said quietly, the sound of his voice just a whisper. Somehow, he still felt like it disturbed the peace. 

Tyler glanced over at the small digital clock near the lamp. It only read about 10:30. They’ve stayed up way later together. 

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed. “We should probably go to bed so we can be well-rested for tomorrow’s show.”

At that, Josh gave a small, disappointed sigh, before realizing that Tyler said “we”. He imagined them cuddling against each other in the van, about how that was probably the best night’s sleep he’d ever gotten, and it was all because they were in each other’s arms. 

He wanted it to happen again, but that’s probably not what Tyler meant. Still, he could dream. 

“Yeah, we could do that,” Josh hummed, “or we could keep hanging out.”

With a sly grin, Tyler lit up. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

They eventually found themselves on Tyler’s rooftop, blankets and pillows piled as they huddled together for warmth. They were sitting right outside Tyler’s window on the shingles and overlooking the night sky. Even though it was cold, and it would’ve been a much better night in the summertime to do this (which they had done before), they still decided that this was somehow even better. 

At least Josh could have a reasonable excuse to sit close to Tyler. He was just cold. That was it. 

After a while of contemplative silence between them both, Tyler spoke up. “Truth or truth?” Tyler asked. 

Josh thought he had misheard him. “Don’t you mean truth or dare?”

“Nope,” he said with a smile. “Nobody likes doing the dares anyway, and I’d rather have deep meaningful conversations with you than you picking up a bug and eating it.”

“That’s oddly specific,” Josh chuckled, and Tyler beamed. 

“Saw a kid do it once in sophomore year to impress the girl he was crushing on,” Tyler explained like it was a commonplace occurrence. 

“Did it work?” Josh asked, maybe a little too eagerly. 

“I guess it must’ve, because they started dating a few weeks later,” Tyler laughed softly. 

Josh might have to try that. He was that desperate. 

“You still haven’t answered the question, though,” Tyler continued. 

“It’s gonna be a truth no matter what!”

“Alright, alright.” Tyler stopped to think before bringing his head back up and letting the moonlight hit his eyes. “I’ll start easy. What’s the last movie you cried to?”

“Geez, that’s your easy one?” Josh joked as Tyler giggled. 

“Yep. C’mon Dun, what’s it gonna be?”

Josh wracked his brain, sifting through any of the movies he remembered watching or rewatching in the last few months before coming to a conclusion. “Pride and Prejudice,” he whispered quietly. “What about you?”

“Dead Poets Society,” he replied softly, almost instantly. 

“Wow, you had that one ready,” Josh chuckled, and Tyler gave him a playful hit on the arm. A chill went up Josh’s arm. He didn’t know if it was from the cold or from the contact. 

“Your turn,” Tyler said as he pulled the gray blanket up on himself a little more. 

“Hmm,” Josh hummed. He left a moment of silence before thinking of one. “What’s the most embarrassing thing you did as a kid?”

“Damn, getting right to it!” Tyler laughed along with Josh. “Well, one time I wrote a rap for an assignment.”

Josh stopped at that, not sure if he wanted to erupt in more laughter out of respect for Tyler’s feelings. “You what?”

“You heard me. Freshman year we had to do a detailed project about a planet of our choice, and one of the elements to my project was a rap about Saturn.”

“Oh my God,” Josh managed to say through his laughter. “Do you still remember it?”

Tyler went red at that. “Um…no?”

“Tyler, you’re the worst liar in the world.”

“No I’m not! I’m telling the truth!”

Josh playfully rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say.”

“Alright, so what’s yours?” Tyler gave him an expectant look.

Josh knew this was coming and braced himself for the worst. “I got hit in the face with a rake.”

Tyler was worse about controlling his laughter. “You--you got--a rake?” he sputtered like a broken sprinkler.

“Yeah,” he giggled. “I was like ten, and I was digging around in my backyard with a rake. And then I realized I wanted a small little shovel too, so I went to get one from my garage. I ran back to my backyard and didn’t realize that I had left the rake on the ground. Long story short, I stepped on the head and the handle came up and bonked me in the chin. It was something straight out of a cartoon!”

“Oh my God, dude!” Tyler was wheezing, tears in his eyes, and Josh loved seeing him like this. His unadulterated happiness was the purest thing in the world. “Were you okay?”

“I was alright. I went to school the next day with, like, a really blueish purple bruise, like one that took up my entire chin. But not a single kid asked me what happened!”

“You’re joking.”

“Nope,” Josh laughed as he let out a sigh. “Man, I haven’t thought about that in years.”

Tyler smiled at that as the moment became quieter again, more subdued, more intimate. He felt Tyler shifting a little closer to him until their shoulders were touching. Josh lost his breath again. 

“You should talk about that stuff more. I like hearing your stories,” he said simply as he rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. 

If this is what heaven was like, he understood the appeal. 

They exchanged some more questions after that until they sort of abandoned the question format temporarily as they told embarrassing and funny stories from their childhood and teen years. Tyler had more high school stories than anything since he was homeschooled, but Josh appreciated hearing the stuff that happened when he was a kid, too (although he heavily agreed with Tyler that 500 baskets a day was just way too much). 

Josh talked about his punk phase, his emo phase, his phase of nothing but rebellion and underground music as he skateboarded to his music store and acted tougher than he really was. He admitted to Tyler that he did it because he didn’t want anyone messing with him. He already felt like he had zero control of his anxiety, so if he looked a little bit scary, at least he could control the people who wanted to mess with him. Obviously, he said he’s tried to move past that, but it was the way he coped for a while. Tyler made a noise at that, and he was nuzzling his shoulder even more. Josh didn’t know what to make of it, but he didn’t object in the slightest. 

Tyler started where Josh stopped, talking about how he started to move away from basketball because he was never truly passionate about it. Instead, he focused first on writing, because that’s what helped him get all his emotions out. He could feel a jumble of emotions and turn them into something compact, something that made sense. Music helped with that even more. He could combine his love for writing and music and put them together by making his own. It was and still is his own form of catharsis. 

And as Tyler kept explaining and rambling about how much he loves this, about how much music had done for him, Josh couldn’t help but stare at how his eyes shone, how his face lit up. How he looked so beautiful like this when he was pursuing what he loved. 

“I have you to thank most of all for all this,” Tyler said after a while, pulling Josh from his trance. 

“What?” Josh said, snapping back into focus. 

Tyler was silent for a little bit, collecting his thoughts. “I…I’m just really glad you’re in my life, Josh. If I hadn’t met you, and once Chris and Nick left the band, I probably would’ve given up on all of this. But now look at us! We’re playing shows and people are showing up. We have fans. Hell, we might even find a label soon! And I think--no, I know that none of it would’ve happened if you weren’t here. So I guess I’m just trying to say thank you.”

Josh felt the beginnings of tears prick his eyes, but that was the least of his concerns. “I feel the same way, Tyler. Thank you for letting me be a part of this.”

“I would do it again in a heartbeat,” he whispered back before brushing his fingers lightly over Josh’s. “We’re gonna take on the world, you know that?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

Josh let out a small puff of air as Tyler’s fingers intertwined with his. Josh held on tighter.

They stayed like that for a while until Tyler was picking his head off of Josh’s shoulder. He didn’t break the contact with Josh’s hand, but he looked suddenly pensive, or maybe even a little nervous. 

“Tyler?” he asked softly. “What is it?”

He was suddenly blushing. Josh didn’t know why but his stomach dropped. 

“It’s probably nothing,” Tyler dismissed as he turned away a little. 

Josh leaned over and turned Tyler’s head to face him again as he gave his hand a tiny squeeze of reassurance. “It’s never nothing. You can talk to me about anything, I promise.”

At that, Tyler gave a small, soft smile, just like the hints of moonbeams in his eyes. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. And Josh was afraid. 

“All those talks of early memories just got me thinking about something,” he admitted, eyes downcast. He took a deep breath as Josh waited expectantly. “Have you…have you ever kissed anyone before?” 

Josh sucked in a quiet breath at that after feeling like all the air in his lungs suddenly disappeared. Out of everything Tyler could say, he wasn’t expecting that. \

He wasn’t expecting the sudden wave of jealousy to hit him as he thought about anyone else getting to kiss Tyler, either. 

Oh God. He was in deeper than he thought. 

Finally, after Tyler sort of looked up and stared at him, he realized he had to give him an answer. “I, well…only a few,” he admitted, because that much was true. He just didn’t want to admit that they weren’t all girls. 

Tyler’s expression didn’t seem to falter. Maybe it fell just a little, but Josh was sure that was just his imagination leading him on. 

When he didn’t go on, Josh ventured a little further. “Why? Is it…is it because you’ve never…?”

“Yeah,” Tyler rushed out, his voice barely a whisper, blending with the puffs of breath he was releasing and watching it hit the air. “I’ve never…yeah.”

“Oh,” was all that Josh could seem to say before he was falling back into silence.

He didn’t really know what to do, or what Tyler was leading up to. Still, he didn’t let go of his hand. Josh couldn’t think about that too much or else he’d probably explode. 

Tyler broke the silence this time. 

“Were they…were they all girls?”

Josh’s heart stopped completely at that. He had never told anyone about his sexuality outside his family, so the fact that Tyler could just ask something like that made him shake. Could he tell that he had? He was trying so hard to keep that part of him under wraps. As much as he trusted Tyler, he still wasn’t sure if that was a piece of information he wanted out in the open yet. He didn’t know if Tyler would respond well to it. Sure, Tyler was his bandmate, and more importantly, his best friend, but if Tyler knew that he was traveling with someone who liked guys, much less liked him , he didn’t know if Tyler would be comfortable with that. And a sick, selfish part of Josh wanted to keep this experience with Tyler for as long as possible before he inevitably had to say goodbye all because Tyler wouldn’t accept him. 

But Tyler was so accepting. He was the kindest person Josh had ever met. He wouldn’t react like that. He just couldn’t. 

He was right. Because as soon as Josh muttered a small, “No”, Tyler didn’t look upset. He wasn’t angry. He didn’t pull away in disgust. Instead, his grip on Josh’s hand tightened as a sudden weight looked like it was lifted away from his face. 

“What was it like?” he whispered after a while. 

Now Josh definitely couldn’t breathe, but he tried his best as his mind swam with a million thoughts at once. But then, everything went silent. His mind was blank. There was nothing but the sound of the night around them and Tyler’s breathing next to him. He steadied himself to prevent his shaking. “It was…it was nice.”

He wanted to say that it was soft, and intimate, and truly the most wonderful feeling in the world, but now that Josh had met Tyler, he was sure that any of those experiences with the guys of his past would pail in comparison to whatever Tyler’s lips tasted like. 

And there it was. Josh knew what he wanted. He wanted Tyler, but now, he wanted all of him, not just the jokes and the laughter and confessions, but his hands, his lips, his body, his soul wrapped up in his. He wanted every part of him, and not just the parts that were acceptable for platonic intimacy. He wanted more. Oh god, he wanted more.  

But as he looked into Tyler’s eyes, seeing how wide and cautious and afraid they were, he didn’t know if he could ever have him. 

So he let this, whatever this was, fall apart. He pulled back a little, realizing just how dark it was and late it had gotten. 

“I should probably go,” Josh choked out when Tyler said nothing. He didn’t want to leave. God, all he wanted was to stay here, to know if Tyler felt the same for him after all this time. But he probably didn’t. He was just curious. He could never feel the same. Josh was never that lucky to have someone that ever loved him back. 

Tyler’s face fell as he looked at Josh sitting up and getting to his feet on the roof. “Oh,” he muttered, barely above a whisper. “Do you-did you want to…” he trailed off, letting the question die in his throat. 

“Hmm?” Josh turned around, looking at Tyler hunched over with his knees to his chest. 

Tyler just peeked his head up, gave him a small smile that Josh knew wasn’t genuine but didn’t have the heart to really admit to himself. “It’s nothing. You’re right. We both should rest. Goodnight Josh.”

Josh felt like he was leaving a part of himself behind as he turned back to look at Tyler one last time. “Goodnight Tyler.”

Even though he said it, he wasn’t sure how much he meant it. 

--

Josh didn’t see Tyler until he was at the venue. They both had texted a little, with Josh apologizing about leaving early, because he really had been thinking about it all night to the point where he couldn’t sleep. Of course he wanted to stay with Tyler, sleep in his bed and think about nothing but them. But he couldn’t. He was just too afraid. That seemed to be his excuse for everything these days. 

Needless to say, when Tyler asked him if they could match and wear their red shirts and red jeans again for tonight’s show, just like at the Newport, Josh was ecstatic. Maybe things would be alright after all. 

When they both arrived at the venue, Josh getting out of the van to help Michael with taking in the equipment and his drums, he caught another glimpse of Tyler in the outfit and almost tripped with his kickdrum in hand at how hard he was staring. Michael just gave him a funny look before Josh attempted to play it off. 

Nothing could prepare Josh from seeing Tyler on-stage in that outfit again. 

He was running around, singing like a madman, and all Josh could do was stare. During Ode To Sleep, he was glad that he had decided to keep his skeleton hoodie on the whole time, because it gave him an opportunity to look at Tyler without him noticing. He was playing with even more conviction than he had seen in so long. It was making it harder for Josh to concentrate as the show went on. 

He couldn’t help but marvel at how spectacular his best friend was. When he stood next to him and drummed on his piano at the end of Slowtown, Tyler held his mic up to the sticks just so everyone could hear him. When Tyler said that he and Josh go through so much during the day, and that they use this music just as much as the crowd does, there was just a certain cadence in his voice, a certain purpose in his action that brimmed with sincerity and truth. He was pure and honest and raw. He was uncut, but he was still a diamond. Josh could marvel at the sight of him forever. 

And that’s when it happened again. That’s when Josh realized that he was falling deeper.

Because there was Tyler, telling the crowd that they had one more opportunity to lose themselves before the show was over. 

There was Tyler, singing along to Guns for Hands with so much unbridled passion, reaching out to the crowd and making Josh wish that he was the one reaching for him instead, that he was the one holding him and screaming along instead of pounding on his drums so hard to will away his feelings. 

There was Tyler, performing as the backing track started shifting. It was fading into something else, into another song. Josh didn’t know that Tyler would keep this on the setlist. He just thought it was a one-time thing, just something to try out at the Newport. He was wrong, but he transitioned the drums like he knew it was coming. 

There was Tyler, yelling at the crowd to break it down and for them to give it up for him before instructing the small crowd to have a dance party to We Found Love. 

There was Tyler, dancing around like no one was watching. 

There was Tyler, pointing to Josh, asking the entire crowd to praise him. 

There was Tyler. There was Tyler. There was Tyler.  

And that was enough for Josh. 

--

They had driven back to the rental house that night before taking off and driving to Indiana the next day. Josh could’ve lied and said that he was fine, but he wasn’t. He really wasn’t. He could feel the slow decline on his composure slipping, but he was keeping a tight grip on it for now. It was only a matter of time before it crumbled entirely. 

How could he be fine when Tyler had looked at him like that? How could he think straight after Tyler commanded the entire audience in that sweaty room to cheer for him before they both did another drum battle while the line “We found love in a hopeless place” echoed, over and over again?

That’s what this felt like. It felt like love, at least on Josh’s part. He couldn’t deny it anymore. After last night, with the way Tyler was staring at him, just for a moment, with his eyes shining and shirt sticking to his back, Josh knew he’d never need anyone else. Tyler was a force to be reckoned with. He was a masterpiece, a painting in a museum. And all Josh amounted to was just some passerby--able to look from a distance, but never able to touch.

So when Tyler gave him a soft smile when they were driving back to the venue, and again the next day as they sat together quietly in the van, all Josh could do was force one back. He couldn’t let Tyler see how much this was hurting him. He couldn’t do that. It was unfair and wrong to burden your best friend, much less any random person, with the knowledge of feelings that they cannot reciprocate. 

The entire thing was making him exhausted. It explained his heightened nerves before their show. As he paced around backstage in the small green room, he breathed and tried to calm himself down. 

These were just normal nerves. They had nothing to do with every new moment with Tyler, with every new feeling he had to repress. It had nothing to do with him. 

Josh wasn’t a very good liar, because just then, Tyler walked through the door quietly with a look on his face that said he might’ve been looking for him. His face instantly lit up, his soft brown eyes becoming all the home Josh needed. 

He was absolutely head-over-heels for him, and Tyler could never know. 

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat, but this time, he couldn’t get himself to smile. 

Tyler noticed this instantly and closed the distance between them, coming closer. He didn’t touch Josh, didn’t invade his personal space, but he was close enough that he could comfort him if he wanted to. Josh appreciated his consciousness even though he knew that he liked physicality way more than he thought Tyler did. 

Another reason why Tyler holding him in the van was just a one-time thing. 

“Hey man, you alright?” Tyler said slowly. 

Josh wanted to show him that his hands were shaking and that he wasn’t. He needed to say everything on his mind about Tyler, about how he loved and treasured and adored him. About how Tyler was his entire world, and every second that he couldn’t indulge in more of that was corroding his insides like acid. 

Josh never had control. He felt like he was always riding shotgun, but never in the front seat. The car that represented his life was constantly swerving between lanes, and no matter what he did, he couldn’t change it. He wasn’t the one with the wheel to begin with. 

He didn’t know if any of it made sense. It was probably stupid anyway. Tyler would know how to phrase it better. But he couldn’t tell Tyler any of these things because all of this was about him.

The entirety of his thoughts made his head spin. He said none of this aloud.

Josh pushed away every thought and steadied his hands himself. “I’m fine,” he lied, walking out of the green room and calling after Tyler. “C’mon. We go on soon.”

He didn’t look back to see Tyler’s expression falter, but he didn’t need to. He knew it had happened. He knew him too well. 

--

Josh was struggling. Hard.

It’s like everything Tyler did was adorable. Every lip pout, every twirl of his hair between his fingers. Every joke, even if it wasn’t anything that remarkably funny. Everything he did took Josh’s breath away to the point where he was sure Mark and Michael were giving him teasing winks and looks every time they caught him staring. 

He’d have to try to control it more, but he was finding that every time he tried doing that, it would only make things worse. 

Tyler of course wasn’t helping much either. As they sat in the backseat of the van, Tyler leaned in to sit closer with him as they ate their Subway together. Their legs were touching, and Tyler was chewing happily as they both shared his headphones and listened to Death Cab. It would’ve been a perfect moment if they both viewed it as something platonic, just something that friends did. Josh knew that Tyler was seeing it as such. Any outsider looking in would’ve probably seen it that way, too. 

But Josh knew that the platonic feelings were only one-sided. Tyler saw him as a friend. Sure, he hadn’t brought up Josh sort-of-accidentally coming out to him the other night, but just because he was cool with it didn’t mean he was suddenly part of the community himself. His curiosity was out of support, not out of mutual feelings. 

Even though Tyler had held him again in the van last night. Even if Tyler gave him longer looks than necessary, and let his touches linger. Even if he used every chance he got to make it known that Josh was his best friend, the one person he couldn’t do this without. Even if he did all of that…he still wouldn’t think of Josh in that way.

It was the delusion making Josh give meaning to these actions when they were simply just friendly things. 

They were just platonic. Nothing more. 

--

The next show in Tennessee wasn’t much better. It’s like Tyler was purposefully trying to drive him mad. How could he not smile to himself when Tyler clapped to himself as one single person from the crowd pressed a key on his keytar? How could he not beam when Josh drummed on his piano next to him, and when Tyler moved closer and closer to him during their drum battles at the end of the show?

Josh didn’t know how much more he could take, and was paranoid that Tyler could sense this. He knew he wasn’t being as happy or upbeat as usual. Every time Tyler tried to check up on him and ask him if he was okay, Josh would just wave him off, tell him that he was tired or something. Tyler would leave him alone after that, even though he could sense he wanted to say more. 

Josh just didn’t have the heart to admit that anything was wrong because if he were to say that, then he’d have to admit the reason for him feeling this way, which meant he’d have to admit his feelings for Tyler, and he really didn’t want to do that. Even though it seemed like a plausible idea after every day passed. Josh was pushing off dealing with the anxiety he was feeling about it. Shaking hands and swimming thoughts would be buried. He knew it wasn’t a healthy method, but he couldn’t afford to break down. He couldn’t let Tyler see him like this, weak and vulnerable. He was supposed to be Tyler’s protector. He had to be the strong one. 

“Josh?” Tyler called to him softly, nudging his arm as Josh’s eyes refocused. He must have been overthinking again to the point that he zoned out. 

He dropped his head quietly a little, nothing but the glow of the orange street lamps outside illuminating the side of his face. He knew that the little amount of light was still enough to show the pain in his expression. He tried to repress the sudden nerves he was feeling. The light made Tyler’s face look so beautiful. His features looked like they were practically carved out of starlight. Josh just knew he looked sad and pathetic.

“What’s up?” he managed to say quietly. He knew that even though they were on their way to find a good place to rest the van for the night towards a half-way point between Nashville and Monroe, Mark was probably asleep in the passenger seat. 

Tyler didn’t say anything for a while, only looked out the window and breathed. He sat up a little as he turned to face Josh. Those eyes would be the death of him. 

“You alright?” he asked slowly, cautiously. “You’ve just…you’ve seemed a little off lately.” And then he paused, suddenly getting a little self-conscious. He caved in on himself, looking down towards his white vans. “Did I do something?”

Josh was immediately on high alert now. Of course he should’ve realized that the way he was acting would’ve given Tyler the impression that he was avoiding him. God, he was such an idiot. 

“You didn’t do anything,” Josh assured him, giving him a light smile that seemed to ease Tyler’s mind a little bit. “I’ve just…I’ve just been…”

“Hmm?” Tyler prompted him to continue, lightly tracing the inside of his arm. 

Josh felt his breath catch in his throat as he willed every feeling for Tyler that was out of bounds away. “I’ve just been tired. And stressed. I don’t feel like I’m measuring up, or-or that I’m good enough,” Josh managed to get out. 

None of it was necessarily a lie, because he was feeling all of those things. He was just leaving out the part that he didn’t feel good enough for Tyler . 

Tyler looked almost hurt by that--not like he had taken offense to any of it, but like he was empathetic. “Josh, why would you even think that?”

“I-I don’t know,” he stammered, feeling the heat of his anxiety wash over him. “I guess it’s something I’ve always struggled with.”

“And you’re feeling it more now that we’re playing to the same small crowds every night?” Tyler finished for him. 

“Yes. That’s it.”

Well, that was only some of it, but hearing Tyler reassure him was a blessing in and of itself. 

“I feel that way a lot, too,” Tyler admitted. “But we sold out the Newport. More and more people are showing up at shows, even if it’s slow.” He paused, looking directly into Josh’s eyes. “You’re the most talented person I know, Josh. I know we’re gonna make it. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.” 

And then, when Josh thought his heart was aching enough, Tyler pushed him further. 

“We’re gonna be together forever.”

Josh could almost cry at that. The tears that were filling his eyes stung even worse after he dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand to keep them at bay. “Yeah. Together forever,” he echoed. 

Not together in the way that he wanted. Tyler could never mean that. 

Tyler still looked concerned when Josh wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Is there anything else going on?”

The way Tyler asked it made him almost burst into tears. He needed to be stronger than that. He had to. He couldn’t just ruin everything because he couldn’t handle a little heartbreak.

“I’m fine,” he whispered, but he knew Tyler could tell he was lying. 

Tyler sighed quietly as everything went quiet for a while, neither breaking the silence once it had begun until Tyler looked over again. 

“I’m always here for you, Josh. I’m not leaving you.”

Josh dug his fingernails into his palms harder. He didn’t look up again, and he knew that he was probably breaking Tyler too. He had to say something, anything. Nothing was coming out for a while, and he was frantically trying to speak, but his voice was cracking.

“I…I…” he tried, then took a deep breath and attempted it again. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now,” he admitted defeatedly. 

“That’s okay,” Tyler reassured, sitting a little closer so that their shoulders were touching. “But if you do wanna talk, I’m all ears.”

Josh smiled at that a little, and Tyler smiled too, and maybe things would be okay.

They stayed like that for a while, Tyler’s head eventually making it to Josh’s shoulder while Josh had to calm himself once again. They didn’t move until Michael had found a place to park the van for the night in a dugout on the side of a random country road. It was quiet, and their breath was fogging up the glass. They all began to readjust in their seats to go to bed. 

Just as Josh was sinking down into the mattress, he felt a hand rest on his side that held him closer. Then, he felt Tyler’s stomach press gently against his back. Josh felt so safe that he could have cried. 

He supposed that it was fine if he indulged in the touch more than Tyler ever would. He wouldn’t have to know. 

He leaned in closer, making himself the little spoon, and curled into Tyler’s arms as they huddled together in sleep. 

-- 

Road after road passed as the gang set out to make it the rest of the way to Louisiana. It was morning, and they all stopped to get breakfast. This time it was Dunkin Donuts. Tyler gave Josh a little scowl once he took a sip from his coffee, as he usually did. He never liked it much, and Josh didn’t know how it was possible to find such a simple fact so cute, but he did. 

He noticed that Tyler was being extra…close to him today, too. More than usual. Not that he was complaining or anything, because he’d be crazy to do so. After they woke up with their limbs tangled, having grown even closer in sleep, all Tyler did was give him a shy blush as Mark made some offhand comment about it. 

But then he was leaning into his shoulder, never leaving his side as they went and did their laundry together at a nearby Laundromat, and even reached to hold his hand as they walked into the venue together with their equipment. 

Josh could feel himself blushing hard. He didn’t know why Tyler was doing any of this. Maybe he was trying to make it up to him after he noticed him being off last night. Tyler knew that he liked physical contact. For him to go out of his way to do it made Josh’s heart thrum. 

“Eyes on the drums, Dun,” Michael said a little louder than he needed. Josh had barely processed that Tyler had said he was going to get more of the tech, leaving Josh standing offstage with some of his drum parts in hand, standing idle. 

“R-right,” he stuttered, feeling embarrassed.

Michael, with his black shirt and kind eyes, gave a small chuckle at that as he went on stage to plug in some of the equipment for sound before walking back up to Josh. 

“So when are you two gonna get together?” he joked. 

Josh felt his entire heart drop to his ass. He was pretty sure all the color had drained from his face. The increasing time he spent not answering the question wasn’t helping his case, either.

Michael could sense the shift and finished setting up the tech in his hands before pulling Josh off to the side of the stage where no one could see. “Hey dude, I didn’t mean to-”

“No, no,” Josh rushed out, not even sure what he was saying because his heart was pounding so fast in his ears. “It’s okay. You…you’re right.”

Michael paused, giving Josh his full attention and care, because Michael was always kind like that. He waited a little bit to give Josh another opportunity to speak, but then went ahead when he said nothing. He looked back to Tyler, who was now walking off the other side of the stage with Mark and talking to him softly. He slowly turned back around to look at Josh again. “Does he know?”

Josh shook his head defeatedly. “No,” he breathed. “And I can’t tell him either.”

Michael’s eyebrows quirked at that. “Why not?”

“Because,” Josh stammered, “He’s my best friend. We’re in a band together.”

“So?” Michael continued, suddenly a little more adamant. 

“So?” Josh repeated. “That means I have too much to lose. I can’t mess up the one good thing that’s happened to me. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.”

Michael softened at that, seeing Josh’s point of view a little more clearly. He was suddenly very serious and very still. “Look Josh, I completely understand that. It’s your life and you can make whatever decisions you want.”

“Thank you,” Josh said quietly. 

“But,” Michael continued, “as your friend, I would be mad at myself if I didn’t give you advice that would potentially help you make a decision.”

“Okay,” Josh said cautiously. “I’m listening.”

Michael paused a little, his voice low against the currents of chatter that came in and out of the crowd from the venue. “Look, all I’m saying is that whenever I’m with Tyler, whether he’s coming along to pick up food with me or just hanging around the house, he’s talking about you. Like, you’re the only thing he goes on about. I’d be annoyed if it wasn’t so damn cute,” Michael laughed. 

Josh blushed deeply but said nothing.

“I mean, you gotta look at it this way. Being close and always together is definitely the stuff that best friends do. But all the glances? The hand-holding? Cuddling in the back of the van? If I didn’t know you guys, I would’ve sworn you had been dating already.”

Josh’s heart skipped multiple beats at that. He felt his face heating up. Of course Michael had a point. He had a very, very strong point. He could try and pass it off as best friend behavior all he wanted, but Josh knew there were deeper romantic feelings under the surface, at least on his end. 

He just had to know if Tyler felt them too, but he was terrified. 

Michael clapped a hand on his shoulder and brought the message home. “Look, I’m not telling you how to live, but if I had someone like Tyler in my life, I’d never let them go. You gotta go for it. And if he doesn’t feel the same, it’s not like he’s gonna stop being your friend. It would take a lot more than that to separate you two.”

Josh suddenly felt a warmth in his chest at that, a beaming light of hope filling his lungs. He smiled softly, letting it reach his eyes. “You’re right, Michael.” He paused, looking back at Tyler, who was coming back on the stage and repositioning his piano slightly. He gave Josh a small head tilt and a smile at seeing him shine a little brighter. “I’m gonna tell him.”

“Atta boy,” Michael said as he clapped both his hands on his shoulder. “Go get him, tiger.”

“I’m not doing it right now,” Josh laughed. “But eventually. Probably. Soon,” he stuttered.

“I’m holding you to it. I’ve got a bet going with Mark and I can’t lose.”

“You--what?” Josh laughed harder.

Michael just gave him a wink as he walked down the hallway sidestage. “I said what I said!”

Josh just shook his head to himself before he heard the light footsteps that belonged to a gray pair of Vans behind him.

“Hey!” he heard Tyler call softly. 

Josh turned around to see him and couldn’t help but feel his chest tighten again. With Tyler’s short brown hair and button downs and skinny jeans and beautiful eyes…how could he not fall further at just the sight of him?

“Hey,” he returned, before letting out a small gasp as Tyler pulled him into a tight hug. 

It didn’t take long before he relaxed into it, breathing in Tyler’s faint scent of pine and mint, letting the feeling of his skin against his own seep into every atom in his body. He would never get tired of holding Tyler, of letting himself be held, because he had never been this open or vulnerable with anyone else. Tyler came with a book of firsts for him, and he loved reading chapter after chapter. 

Tyler eventually pulled away after they began to sway softly in each other’s arms, nothing but the dim fluorescent lights of the venue’s hallway to illuminate their faces. 

“What was that for?” Josh giggled a little. 

Tyler just smiled to himself. Not something smug or arrogant or prideful--this smile put softness in his eyes, in his face, in his heart. Josh didn’t dare give it the proper name, which was adoration. He was too afraid to admit it. 

“I just missed your smile,” he admitted honestly. 

Josh knew right there that he was in love with Tyler. He was sort-of sure before, but with him looking at him with dilated pupils and a shy blush on the apples of his cheeks, Josh was ready to declare it to the world. 

Metaphorically, of course. He’d have to work up to actually saying it. 

He had never felt so happy, or so full. “I missed you ,” Josh admitted without thinking, even though he knew it was true. 

Tyler laughed a little at that, his voice airy and light. “I was only gone for ten minutes.”

“Well,” Josh started to say, but lost it when he and Tyler laughed more. “Still. It’s true.”

Tyler grinned at him as he walked over to his side and put his arm around his shoulder. Josh leaned into him immediately as they both headed to walk on-stage together. 

And just as they were about to go on, Josh swore he heard Tyler whisper “Missed you too”.

--

The show went pretty smoothly with no major setbacks, other than the fact that Josh probably would’ve dropped his sticks once or twice because he couldn’t stop staring at Tyler. Occasionally he would catch him doing the same and give him a smile. One time, he even gave him a wink. Josh was sure he had passed out, but somehow he managed to stay conscious and keep playing. 

They packed up their gear, talking to a few fans who offered to help put their stuff away as they went back and forth from the venue to the trailer. Josh was walking his drums out when he couldn’t help but watch Tyler out of the corner of his eye. 

There he was, chatting with some girl with long brown hair, a little bit shorter than him. Josh may have thought he had seen her at a few shows and was always a little out of sorts when he realized that they had actual fans, no matter how small the number was. Josh brushed his curls from his face and loaded up the drums. 

Tyler was laughing with her, his smile warm like the setting sun, his shirt clinging to his back with sweat and his forehead glistening. He looked as happy as ever, always having the perfect things to say to the fans that stuck around. It made him so happy to talk to them and really see the people they were affecting. Josh was always too scared to talk, but he’d make some effort once in a while. 

Today wasn’t one of those days though. Even though he was in a good mood because of how well the show went, he still didn’t have the courage for new social situations. Tyler would get it. He was already anxious enough about his own crazy mess of feelings for him, and he didn’t need to do anything else to make it worse. 

He went back into the van and waited for the rest of the guys to pile in. Tyler gave him a small smile as he whispered “Good show man” with excitement. 

Josh beamed at that. “Good show,” he echoed. 

It was finally a hotel night, which they all were thankful for, but Josh more than anyone. The physical toll of touring and playing, plus the mental toll he had been under because of Tyler, was making him extra tired these days. He needed to just collapse on a bed with a decent mattress for once and snore into the noon the next morning. 

What he didn’t register was that he’d be sharing a bed with Tyler, which shouldn’t have been such a surprise. Mark had been adamant on them saving their money and only using it for a hotel every once in a while, and since they had another show in Louisiana the day after tomorrow, they figured it would be fine to just stay. It had just been so long since they had actually stayed at one that Josh had forgotten the fact that he’d be with his best friend. 

It wouldn’t be any different than the van, except he knew there would be no holding, no cuddling, no contact. Tyler was just doing that because of how bitterly cold the van got at night. Once they were under the covers in a warm room, he’d have no need for it. 

Josh tried not to seem disappointed, but he was failing miserably. 

They checked into the hotel after letting Mark handle the middle-aged woman at the front desk. They went up to the second floor, walked down the hallways with beige-colored carpeting until they found their room number. 

Josh almost laughed as Tyler made a big, dramatic deal of dropping his stuff on the bed towards the right side of the room and flopping on top of the covers. 

“Finally,” he muttered as Mark sighed and Michael gave Josh a look that was less than innocent. 

“I call shower first,” Mark called as he was already gathering his stuff and making it into the bathroom. 

Michael called it next and started to unpack some of his clothes as Tyler sat up on the bed. Josh walked over to the nightstand and retrieved the small remote, clicking on the TV and scrolling through channels until he found a rerun of some of the older episodes of How I Met Your Mother. He sat down on the floor, letting his back rest against the foot of the bed as his attention faded in and out. 

He felt a soft nudge on his shoulder as he looked up. Tyler was looking at him, almost smirking as he patted the bed next to him. “You can, uh, sit on the bed. I know it’ll be more comfortable,” he said quietly. 

Josh could feel his nerves spiking again as he felt his lip quiver. He put on a smile as he got to his feet and pulled himself onto the bed. 

“There you go,” Tyler mused. “There’s my Jishwa.”

Josh didn’t know how he continued to live after that, considering he felt like he had just blacked out and tripped down multiple flights of stairs. Tyler was making this so damn difficult. 

All Josh could do was give a weak laugh as he twiddled with his hands. His feet were still on the floor, his leg bouncing up and down as his heart refused to slow down. He could barely even concentrate on the show, and for a while he just stayed like that, caught up in his own head until he felt the bed dip beside him. 

It’s like his heart suddenly stopped, because he felt Tyler’s hand graze his thigh, rubbing it methodically in an effort to calm him down. 

Josh looked up to meet his eyes, knowing that he himself probably looked like a deer in the headlights. But all Tyler did was smile softly with that smile he had never seen him give anyone else. 

“You okay?” he asked sweetly. 

Josh forced himself to nod hurriedly, but he couldn’t speak. 

“Just tired?”

Josh nodded as he took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he managed to admit. That was only the half of it. 

“Me too,” Tyler whispered as he grabbed Josh’s hand, gently tugging it to motion that they could sit back against the headboard instead of by the foot of the bed. 

Josh followed him, trying harder than he ever had to keep his cool. Tyler just kept smiling, and he didn’t say a word as he watched the TV. Josh sat a little farther away than necessary, because he was always worried about invading Tyler’s space. But Tyler just moved closer, his warm skin brushing his own, creating fire. He reached for Josh’s hand again and gave it a little squeeze. 

Josh thought he was in heaven. 

Tyler didn’t let go. They stayed there getting closer as time went on, watching as Mark left the shower and practically fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. Michael didn’t even see them as he took Mark’s place in the bathroom. 

And as they watched, the true exhaustion he had been repressing hit him all at once. Once he finally got a moment of peace, a break after going and never stopping, it was hard to keep it all together. He felt his head slipping slowly until he felt it rest in Tyler’s lap. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he didn’t care. He was too tired to realize the reality of what was happening. 

He hummed and sighed with content as he felt Tyler’s fingers delicately play with his hair. Curling into him more, Josh dozed off.

That was until Michael came out of the bathroom and spotted them together. He said nothing, only gave Josh a small smile that he hoped Tyler didn’t notice but that he most definitely did. 

Josh regained a little more consciousness and slipped out of the bed, quickly grabbing some pajamas and heading into the bathroom. 

“I should shower,” he muttered quickly, his cheeks red-hot. He wasn’t embarrassed or anything. Maybe just shy. Maybe just terrified of Tyler finding out. Maybe both. 

He showered quickly, trying to scrub every nervous and complicated feeling from his skin, but it was no use. Every effort just made him think of Tyler more. He sighed as he toweled off and went back into the room. 

There, he saw Tyler sitting on the bed, folded in on himself slightly as he kept watching the TV. He looked almost sad that Josh wasn’t there with him, but Josh tried to tell himself that it was just wishful thinking. 

But it was hard to convince himself of that when Tyler instantly perked up at the sight of him. 

“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you to dry off all the way?” he whispered and laughed. 

Josh scratched his back and felt the wet patch on the back of his shirt. He blushed. “I told you, I gotta let the air do its thing.”

“You’re so weird,” he mumbled as he grabbed his clothes and went to the bathroom, but he was holding back a smile as he went. 

Josh beamed to himself as he got under the white sheets of the bed and lowered the volume of the TV. He tried focusing, but Tyler’s smile and beautiful face was all that he could think about. 

He was slipping in and out of sleep again until he finally registered that the voices on the TV were gone. He heard the sound of the remote being placed lightly against the nightstand and the shuffling of feet on the floor. 

Josh opened his eyes to see Tyler, bathed in the orange light of the lamp he was just about to turn out. But Josh was practically seeing stars. 

Normally, they kept their clothes on or kept on pajama pants and their hoodies in the van. But now, it was warm enough that they didn’t have to layer up. 

Which is why Josh’s brain completely short-circuited when Josh saw Tyler in nothing but a pair of gray boxers. 

Sure, Josh had seen him like this before, whether it be changing in green rooms or other hotel nights during their summer tour. But now it was different. Now, it meant something. He wasn’t just looking at some dude, at his best friend. He was looking at Tyler Joseph, the man who he had so desperately and hopelessly fallen in love with. 

His eyes traced the intricate string of Roman numerals inked on his bicep, the three lines around his wrist, how smooth his skin was and how his muscles curved. He quite literally couldn’t pull himself away.

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat and felt like dying when Tyler noticed him staring. All he did was smile softly again before turning off the lamp. 

He shuffled over to the bed and climbed under the covers, and Josh thought that was the end of it. He could go to bed thinking about Tyler and trying to will the thoughts away. That would be that. 

What he wasn’t expecting was Tyler to move closer until his arm was resting over Josh. Just like back in the van. 

It wasn’t cold in the room. Not in the slightest. 

Josh felt like he had flatlined. 

He didn’t move a muscle, couldn’t move a muscle, because how could he process that this was real, that Tyler of all people wanted to hold him outside of the need to stay warm? He felt like a statue. He couldn’t say a word.

“Is…is this alright?” Tyler whispered, and he didn’t sound confident or sure of himself like he did most times of the day. No, Tyler was shy. He was waiting. 

He was nervous. 

Somehow knowing they were in the same boat made Josh feel better, and a newfound wave of boldness set him into motion. Moving carefully, he positioned himself so that he was in Tyler’s arms even more and rested his head on his chest. 

He had never felt so safe in all his life. 

“Yeah. It’s amazing.”

Josh felt the breath from Tyler’s happy sigh tickle his cheek as his arms tightened around him considerably to hold him closer. Their legs tangled, their hands intertwined, and they both slipped off together. 

--

Josh woke up first, noticing that he had somehow grown even closer to Tyler in sleep. He only half-registered this fact, knowing that it was real but not rendering any potential consequences of being this close. 

Josh had never slept better in his life. And Tyler must have thought the same, because he usually was a pretty bad insomniac. Josh smiled slightly. 

Then, the reality of this situation hit him as Tyler started shifting. He braced himself for the worst, thinking that once Tyler woke up, this would all be over. He’d push Josh away from him, try to play it cool. That would be the end of it. 

Instead, Tyler’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled, warm and sleepy. He fluttered them closed again as he sighed and tightened his arm around Josh protectively. Josh had never felt more cared for, so he moved closer, nuzzling his head into the crook of Tyler’s shoulder affectionately as he tangled his body with his. 

Tyler hummed as Josh did this and repositioned one arm to wrap around and softly play with Josh’s hair. Josh’s stomach did happy flips. 

They stayed like that for a while, bodies intertwined as the mid-morning sun spilled into the room. They didn’t need words to communicate how they both felt. Holding each other in their arms, the warmess between them a wordless exaltation, they understood.

Their hands found each other under the covers and fit together as they stayed close.

--

They had the rest of the day off, and when Tyler and Josh both forced themselves to get out of bed (Josh tried to make it last as long as possible before Michael was teasing them to get up), Tyler didn’t try to brush what had happened off. He didn’t joke or play it cool. As he sat up in bed, the covers only covering his legs as his tan chest glowed in the sun from the blinds, he gave Josh’s hair an affectionate ruffle before getting up and going to change in the bathroom. 

Josh had subconsciously leaned into the touch and watched Tyler longingly go into the bathroom. This left him and Michael in the room alone, as Mark had gotten up and already gone downstairs to the buffet to get some breakfast. 

Michael smirked at the sight of Josh, who looked lovestruck as all hell. 

“So…you guys were awfully close last night, huh?” he practically giggled. 

“Shut up.” Josh’s face turned red.

“It was adorable. You guys seriously make me melt,” Michael continued as he put his hand over his heart. “Who started it?”

“Dude,” Josh groaned as he buried his head into his pillow.

“I’m taking that as Tyler, then.”

Josh sat up a little, fiddling with his hands as he replayed the memories so vividly in his head that he could practically feel Tyler’s arms around him again. “Well, he did. But he was nervous. So I sorta met him halfway.”

Josh instantly felt himself blush at that as he looked anywhere but at Michael. 

“Look at how red you’re getting,” Michael pointed out. 

“I--just--Michael--” Josh stammered. 

Michael just laughed softly to himself, letting the room get quiet. “You must really love him.”

Josh stopped at that. He had never really said it out loud, and had only admitted it to himself once that this was love. That’s what this was, but  it was somehow still more. It was everything. 

“Yeah, I do,” Josh whispered.

Michael sat up a little on his own bed and focused directly on Josh. “Look man. I know you’re worried about this. I would be too. But I’ve known Tyler my entire life. He’s never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. I can tell that he’s really happy. You just gotta go for it. Maybe not today, but soon,” he shared honestly, before adding another sly comment. “You gotta put me and Mark out of our misery.”

“Way to ruin the moment,” Josh laughed, and the tension he was feeling ceased. 

Michael started laughing too as Tyler popped out of the bathroom, wearing a graphic tee and another pair of skinny jeans. Josh didn’t know how he managed to make every single outfit he wore look hot, but he did.

“What’s all the fuss about?” he joked, putting away his folded dirty laundry in his black bookbag. “Were you talking about me?”

Michael gave Josh an inquisitive raise of his eyebrow, but Josh gave him a death glare. 

“I was just telling Josh about what happened to me before yesterday’s show,” Michael treaded carefully. 

Josh thought for a split second that they had avoided any suspicion. He was wrong. \

“Some guy came up to me and started asking for dating advice,” he continued, and Josh gawked. 

“Oh really?” Tyler smirked, but there was something underneath his words that Josh couldn’t place. 

“Yeah. Said I looked approachable or something. I thought it was adorable.” He directed his last comment at Josh, and Josh prayed to God that Tyler wouldn’t notice. He would chew Michael out later.

“Well you are pretty friendly,” Tyler chuckled, but then he looked at Josh, and there was a newfound softness in his eyes. “I hope he got some good advice.”

Josh felt like he had just gotten hit by a truck. His tongue went dry. He couldn’t say a damn thing. 

But all Tyler did was smile to himself. “I’m gonna go get some breakfast. Meet you guys there,” he called as he walked towards the door and let himself out. 

Michael started smirking at him even more, shaking his head. 

Josh quickly got up, grabbed his clothes, and went to go change in the bathroom. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror, but he could feel himself shaking. 

--

They didn’t really do much the rest of the day, only catching up on sleep and stocking up on supplies and food for the van. They did the same the next day, Tyler working on new music ideas in the hotel room as Josh sat closer and resisted resting his head over Tyler’s shoulder. They went off to play their next Louisiana show, then went back to the hotel room, where Josh found himself in Tyler’s arms once more. He couldn’t believe it, but he tried to downplay it as much as he could. 

They got on the road later the next day, making the five hour drive to Austin a little early because Mark reminded them that if they put it off till tomorrow, they’d be too tired for the show. They supposed he was right and all huddled in the van. Tyler had no problem getting next to him. 

They shared another hotel room that night, Josh in bed with Tyler. He did the exact same thing as before, and Tyler didn’t even miss a beat. 

Josh thought it was comfortable like this, at least for a while. This mutual closeness without having to say anything out loud. At least he wouldn’t risk losing Tyler completely. 

He had to tell him though, because his insides were burning and there would always be that part of him that wanted more. That overwhelming, selfish part that wanted to call Tyler his own and hold his hand and kiss him without consequence. 

Tyler gave him a nudge and watched as Josh pulled himself from his frenzy of thoughts as they sat together on the bench of the van. He gave a soft smile, but something was different in his eyes. It was almost like he could see right through him. 

Josh shook it off and looked out the window. 

--

Their shows had been going pretty good, at least for their standards. As far as Josh was concerned, their chemistry only grew the more time they played together. Each show was another opportunity to delve into the music, to become utterly engrossed and entrenched in its complexity. It was their entire life. 

Tyler made the lyrics, the melodies, the progressions. Josh kept the steady pulse, the thrum, the heartbeat. Together, they were unstoppable. When Josh played with Tyler, he felt like he was on top of the world. 

Which is why the universe had to take their confidence down a notch every couple of weeks. 

There was already something interesting in the air when Josh and the rest of the guys were setting up in the venue in Austin, a building with white bricks and a sign with a swan design (the venue being aptly named The Swan Dive). Tyler had tugged on Josh’s shirt sleeve enthusiastically, pointing out how cool he thought it was with a twinkle in his eyes. All Josh could do was admire him and how cute he was when he got excited like this. It was nice to see him genuinely happy. 

Of course, that wouldn’t last long. Because when they set up all their gear and started the show, they realized that nobody had shown up. Other than the people that were working in the bar, they were playing to no one. 

Maybe they had less fans in Texas than they thought. 

Still, Tyler looked adamant about following through with the show. He was always determined to play with as much passion for no one as you would for a sold-out venue. It was strictly a principle-based thing. Josh loved that about him, and it inspired him to no end, so when he gave Tyler a small nod, they began to play. 

They got a few songs in, Josh being less self-conscious about the amount of times he stared at Tyler. He even thought that through the lights, he could see Tyler start to blush. 

The sweeping sound of the door opening caught Josh’s attention. He saw a middle-aged man with a scruffy beard and rough attitude walk in, positioning himself to lean against the bar and snicker as he watched them play to an empty room. 

Josh knew that Tyler wasn’t paying attention to the specific insults he started to hurl at them, but Josh could make out “crazy”, “pathetic”, “insane”, “nobodies,” “gay”, and probably a few slurs related to the last one if he was betting money. It made his stomach churn as it reminded him of the incident that happened at the beginning of the tour. 

If he wasn’t busy with the drums, he probably would’ve run off-stage. They had never been heckled before in their lives. 

Tyler, however, didn’t choose flight like Josh would’ve. Instead, he chose to fight. Gripping his microphone and yanking it from its stand without missing a beat, he walked down directly in front of him and started rapping. Tyler, the skinny 23 year old kid in a white button down and red Vans started to hurl his words so angrily at the man that he started to back off. Josh could practically hear the venom in his words. He had never heard him like this before. 

Of course, he realized the only reason he had the courage to do this was because Michael was standing right behind the guy, making sure that if he got too out-of-hand he would ask one of the bar’s staff members to escort him out. 

Josh still thought it was pretty badass nonetheless. 

They finally finished up the show, Tyler panting as a line of sweat dripped down his forehead. He wasted no time packing up his things in the van. Josh could tell that he was trying to keep it together. 

He didn’t see him until they had packed away everything in the trailer. Josh was getting his book bag that he left in the small staff area that acted as a makeshift green room. He plopped down on the couch, catching his breath as he replayed how Tyler looked. Even when he was fueled by anger, he looked like he was crafted by the gods. 

He heard a small shuffle of feet as the door opened a little more. Josh looked up to see Tyler, some of the sweat on his face gone but his shirt still clinging to his back. He gave him a weak smile but didn’t sit down. 

“So that went well,” he joked, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

Josh gave a sad laugh back. “Yeah. Loved the crowd tonight. I thought it was our best.”

Even though it was a weak joke, Tyler still laughed anyway. “I especially appreciated Dr. Heckle and Mr. Snide.”

When Josh gave him a bemused expression and started giggling genuinely, Tyler continued. “Those are his alter egos. He switches between them depending on how bad the insult is.”

“Ah, right, right,” Josh laughed, and Tyler laughed with him honestly this time. Josh’s eyes sparkled as his heart pumped louder in his chest. The amount of fondness he felt for this boy was insurmountable. He patted the black couch cushion next to him and hoped that Tyler would meet him there.

Tyler crossed over and sat next to him, but sat considerably closer than Josh expected. He hummed and let out a long sigh as his head instantly rested on Josh’s shoulder, something he seemed to like doing a lot of lately. Josh didn’t mind. He never minded.

Cautiously, taking the tiniest of risks, Josh moved his arm to wrap around Tyler’s shoulder and hold him closer. Tyler leaned into him more. 

They sat like that for a while, Josh’s heart rate settling down as he slipped into the feeling of calm and mutual tranquility they each gained from each other. Things like this with Tyler were so easy.

So slowly that Josh had to blink a few times and focus on the random fixtures on the wall of the room, he registered that Tyler had moved his right hand to wrap around Josh’s back, clinging to his waist and holding him close. But after a while, and after Josh had stopped biting the inside of his lip in anticipation, Tyler repositioned himself so that he had both of his small arms around Josh, burying his face in his neck and hugging him with everything he had. 

Everything changed after that. The joking demeanor fell away. And Josh realized that underneath all the carefully positioned layers, Tyler was hurting. 

Josh thought he could cry. 

He really did. And he would’ve if he wasn’t so caught up in the fact that the person he loved most in the world was clinging to him like he’d never need to rely on anything or anyone else. 

Josh methodically rubbed Tyler’s back as he heard the small sniffles get muffled in Josh’s shirt sleeve. Instinctually, Josh held him closer. 

He shushed him and started to sway with him ever-so slightly. “It’s alright, Tyler. It was just a bad show. The next one will be better, I promise.”

Tyler inhaled deeply at that, but his exhale was shallow. “How do you know?”

“Because so many people have been showing up at shows lately. They love us, Tyler.” Josh deflected all his feelings onto the fans. He couldn’t let Tyler know about his own. Not now. “They’re gonna support us as this thing takes off. They’re gonna support you. I promise. It was just a fluke, I know it.” 

And then, when Tyler nodded weakly as he pulled away to look at Josh and wipe his eyes, Josh whispered a little more reserved. “They love you.”

Tyler was quiet at that, looking into Josh’s eyes with his demeanor calm but somehow still stormy. It felt like an eternity before he finally spoke.

“Do you love me?” he whispered. 

Josh’s heart sank. “W-What?”

Tyler repeated himself again, asking with more assurance. “Do you love me?”

This would be the perfect time to tell him. He’s asking you directly. If he doesn’t love you like that, at least you can move on. You only have a few more shows this month, and then you won’t have to see him if things end badly. This could be your only chance.  

Once again, Josh’s anxiety consumed him like a monster and took control.

“Of course I do, Tyler.” he settled with. “You’re my best friend.” 

He could barely breathe. He choked on the last two words and felt like he was dying. How could he say that that’s all they were when Josh clearly wanted so much more?

Tyler smiled at that, not at all surprised that this was the first time they were saying ‘I love you’ to each other, even if it only seemed like it was platonic. At least he was happy with his response. The tension in his jaw loosened as he gave Josh’s hand a squeeze. “I love you too.”

And when he got up and told Josh that they had to get back to the van in order to drive to the hotel, Josh barely processed what he was saying. All he could think about was how he had the chance to get everything he wanted, and he threw it all away. 

He was starting to think that that’s all he would ever do.

--

After that, Josh got worse.

Like, a lot worse. 

He could barely even look at Tyler without feeling like he’d burst into tears. He had fucked everything up. There he was, sitting in that makeshift green room, the perfect opportunity to confess his feelings to Tyler handed to him on a silver platter. And yet, he turned it away. He felt like he was gonna be sick. 

It was becoming harder to manage his pain. Every time Tyler laughed at something he said, every time he touched him or gave him an innocent look, Josh’s heart tore apart a little more. He felt like a hole had been drilled inside of him, leaving his insides exposed and bleeding. He didn’t know how Tyler didn’t notice this even if it was only metaphorical.

Michael definitely noticed. After their next show in Dallas, he checked in and made sure he was alright. Josh, with broken vocabulary, explained what had happened. Michael just told him to cheer up and encouraged him to tell him by the end of their small tour. 

The deadline was eating away at Josh.

At their radio station show in Tulsa, Mark out of everybody had to calm him down before going on. Josh made sure that Tyler didn’t see him like this, but Mark obviously knew the context. Michael had probably let it slip to him, but he was too nervous to care. 

At their second Tulsa show the next day, Josh practically ran off-stage by the end of the show, not even knowing how he’d be able to look at Tyler again without the knife in his chest twisting. He was just too beautiful, too perfect. Even if Tyler was interested in guys, he’d never love Josh. Josh was just a friend, someone to keep at a distance. 

He felt like throwing up. 

The next night in the van was worse. It seemed like nighttime was where every anxiety Josh had been harboring throughout the day came to haunt him at once. 

He couldn’t get to sleep. All he did was toss and turn with thoughts of Tyler, thoughts of letting him down, thoughts of never seeing him again after his secret got out. 

In the van, he shivered, but it wasn’t because of the cold. 

He was restraining himself from sobbing. 

He couldn’t let any of the guys hear him. He couldn’t be this pathetic. 

He must not have been doing a good job, because there it was. He felt Tyler’s hand rest on his side as he grunted and whispered in the silence. 

“Josh?” he mumbled. Josh didn’t answer. His throat was closing in on itself. Tyler tried again. “Josh, what’s wrong?”

Josh mustered every bit of strength he had and garnered a response. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

At that, Tyler sat up, forcing Josh to do the same. Everything in the van was quiet as Mark and Michael slept. 

Tyler’s eyes twinkled from the bit of moonlight spilling in the van window. Josh thought he looked angelic. 

Even though it was still hard to see, Josh could tell that Tyler was waiting for him to go on. 

“I’m just…” he struggled for an excuse. “I’m homesick. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Tyler didn’t seem convinced, but he pulled on one of his black hoodie strings and laid back down, relenting. 

“Alright,” he whispered. “Goodnight Josh.”

Josh didn’t say anything back. 

When Tyler placed his arm around him, Josh didn’t move or lean into the touch. 

He cried himself to sleep, making sure to be more quiet this time. 

--

The next few days were filled with red eyes, quiet responses, and a guilt that was eating Josh away from the inside out. Every time Tyler would try to joke with him, whether it be standing in line at a McDonald’s or in the bathroom mirrors at a gas station, Josh wouldn’t react. He’d give a half-smile at best and clench his fists, digging his fingernails into his palms to prevent himself from crying. 

He was such a nervous wreck, and it was only getting worse the more he didn’t talk about it. He could barely sleep. If he ate at all, he’d only be able to stomach it for a few hours. He was totally and utterly exhausted, and he just wanted to go home. He needed to hide away from everything and everyone until he was forgotten about. 

If Tyler forgot about him, all of this could be so much easier. He could just move on and find someone else that could actually like him back. He didn’t want to be suspended in this unrequited limbo for any longer. He wanted out. 

Which is why he was oddly relieved that this was their last show. 

The relief he felt was only temporary of course, because as soon as the day went on, and as soon as they reached their last venue in Kentucky, all Josh could focus on was Michael’s advice on confessing to him by the end of their tour. 

He wanted to. He really did. But he wasn’t strong enough. 

He was a coward. Nothing but an anxious nobody who would always hold himself back. There was nobody to blame but him. 

Josh felt like sobbing and never stopping. 

As they unloaded their things from the back of the trailer, Michael gave him a sympathetic look, picking up on his depressed demeanor. Josh shot him a fake smile. 

Tyler must not have noticed how he was feeling, because he hadn’t said a word to him in the van. In fact, he hadn’t said anything to him all day. Maybe it was easier this way. Might as well get a jump start on never speaking to each other again. 

The thought made Josh’s stomach churn. He didn’t want that. Not in the slightest. But he knew it would happen if he ever admitted his feelings. 

Debating it in his head, he watched as another fan in her mid-20s helped Tyler bring his stuff in. He was laughing with her, and she was flipping her hair, and suddenly, Josh felt every culmination of his anxiety and jealousy flare up at once. His chest started tightening at the realization that he would have to live with Tyler being with other girls right in front of him. He’d have to deal with it for the rest of his life if he was still around at all. 

It would be like this unless Tyler knew about his feelings. It would be like this unless Tyler sent him away. 

The pain was agonizing and Josh’s head spun. Leaving some of the equipment he picked up, he rushed into the venue and stumbled quickly into the green room. His breath was gaining speed rapidly, and his vision couldn’t focus no matter how hard he tried to make it. Every calming breath was staggered. He couldn’t even feel his own hands. 

Everything was numb. Everything was wrong. 

He was having a full-on panic attack in the middle of a venue called The Sanctuary, and Josh couldn’t have thought that it was more ironic. 

For a moment, he genuinely thought he was in hell, or purgatory, or that this was the end of his life and he’d be cursed to stay frozen in this state forever.

Weakly, with nothing left, he sank to the ground of the green room next to the small couch and old coffee table. Pulling his knees up to his chest, unable to catch his breath, he began sobbing uncontrollably. How could he ever face anything ever again?

Just then, he heard raised voices traveling down the hallway. Fragments of words bounced from the walls as he filled in the blanks. 

“I don’t know man, he’s just been like this for a while! I didn’t know what to do--” He made out the voice as Mark. 

“He was like this and you didn’t tell me? Jesus Christ, he needs me, Mark!” Tyler yelled with a broken ferocity. “ I need him! I can’t believe this.”

He heard Mark mumbling some apologies before the door of the room flung open. He flinched, not able to look up at Tyler, who was standing in the doorway looking mortified. Josh couldn’t catch his breath as his hands shook more. 

“Oh my God,” Tyler said as he immediately got to the ground with Josh. 

Josh couldn’t bear to look at him as he felt Tyler immediately pull him into his arms. Josh wanted to hold back, wanted to push away and try to ignore how much he wanted the touch, but he couldn’t. If being vulnerable was the only way he could bear Tyler holding him, then he’d have to settle with it. 

Josh relented, burying his head into Tyler’s chest as he let out more broken sobs and ragged breaths. At that, Tyler held him even tighter.

“Shhh, it’s okay Josh. Just breathe. I’ll do it with you.” And then Josh felt like crying even more as Tyler repeated the advice he had given him back at the beginning of tour. “In and out. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.”

Josh focused on Tyler’s voice, soft like clouds, and did as he was told. He sucked in the air through his nose, held it, and released it through his mouth, doing it in the same rhythm as Tyler. As he started to calm down, clutching onto Tyler’s shirt and back pathetically, Tyler started to sway with him, rocking him back and forth in his arms. 

Josh would’ve thought it was heaven if he wasn’t so upset. 

Everything was quiet for a long time until Josh released a few more broken sobs. Tyler immediately held him closer, holding Josh’s hand tightly with one hand and playing with Josh’s hair gently with the other. 

“Shhh,” he whispered again, so delicately, as if Josh would break. “It’s okay baby. I’ve got you.”

Josh’s heart stopped as he looked up to see the look on Tyler’s face. He looked like he didn’t know what to do.

“Sorry, it must’ve just slipped-” he started.

“It’s okay,” Josh assured him, not understanding how he could affirm it so easily even though his heart was breaking. 

It was just a slip. He didn’t mean anything by it. 

Tyler looked relieved, but still a little worried as he let Josh go. He sat across from him, still near him, but letting Josh rest his back against the wall. Tyler was looking at him intently. Josh knew it was his face that meant he was trying to search for the perfect words. 

Finally, he spoke again, and Josh couldn’t look away from his eyes. 

“Look Josh, did something happen?” he started, and as soon as he said the words, they acted like a newfound motivation to help him release more in a panic. “Because I swear to God if anyone did anything to you-”

“Nothing happened, I promise,” Josh cut him off, and he hoped that he was conveying an honest look for him through his trembling lips. 

Tyler nodded and went quiet again, his eyes downcast. “Did I do something? I know you said I didn’t, but…”

“You didn’t do anything,” he assured him again. Tyler didn’t look convinced. “I promise.”

Tyler let out a sigh of relief at that before resuming the pensive silence between them. Nothing was right. Josh felt awful that he put Tyler in this position. 

Tyler looked up, suddenly filled with a spark in his eyes that was burning fiercely. “I know you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. But I’m your best friend.” He took Josh’s hands in his and squeezed tight. Josh thought he was going to cry again. “You can tell me anything. I promise.”

Josh’s throat was closing in and the panic he felt from earlier was mixing with guilt and dread. “Tyler, you’re gonna hate me,” he whispered brokenly. 

“Josh,” he breathed, bringing him closer as he chuckled softly and rested his forehead against his. “I could never hate you,” he whispered with his eyes closed. 

Josh just breathed him in, taking in his faint smell of the hotel shampoo and pine trees, his warmth, his soft smile. Everything about him was so perfect. 

He wanted him. He wanted him so badly. He needed him to be closer, closer, closer-

With his eyes closed, and without even realizing it, Josh was leaning in and pressing his lips softly to Tyler’s. He moved them and pressed into him more, taking in the softness, the sweetness, the simplicity of it all. He felt like this was where he was meant to be all along. 

It was short. It was wonderful. 

It was a kiss. 

Oh God. It was a kiss. 

As Josh pulled back with horror to realize what he had just done, he saw the shock on his best friend's face. He saw his open mouth, the anxiety in his eyes. 

What had he done?

“Oh my God,” Josh murmured as he got up to his feet, stumbling and tripping as fast as he could to get out of the room. “Oh my God.”

“Josh, wait-” he heard Tyler call, but Josh was already running as fast as he could through the venue’s side hallways and out of the door. 

He couldn’t breathe. His life, quite literally, felt like it was crashing down in front of him. He had just kissed his best friend, and he didn’t kiss him back. 

Josh would be out of the band for sure. Tyler wouldn’t ever talk to him again. 

Even though Josh said he wanted Tyler to just forget about him so he could move on, he realized that there was no way in hell he’d ever be able to survive without him. 

He heard Tyler calling for him as Michael gave him a concerned look and tried to go after him. Josh disregarded it all. He tried reaching for his drum parts to take back in to start the last show he’d ever play. 

“Josh!” he heard Tyler call one last time. 

Turning around to see him, Josh processed everything that suddenly happened all at once. 

He felt a strong force hit him in his side. He felt his entire body swing backwards as he heard his friends yell. He felt his body drop to the ground as he heard the screeching of tires. He felt the panic in his friends' voices as his vision faded in and out. 

And then, all he saw was black. 

--

“It’s nothing serious. No major trauma. Just a few scratches. You’re lucky the accident was this minor. He could’ve seriously been hurt.”

The doctor’s voice sounded fuzzy and far off, but it wasn’t because of Josh’s hearing being impaired in any way. He just couldn’t focus because of the emotional stress he was under. 

They still had a good thirty minutes before the show started, so Michael, Mark, and Tyler rushed Josh into the van and took him to a nearby hospital. Mark was frantically whispering the directions to Michael as they drove. Josh was feeling alright from the incident, just a little disoriented at best. He was in more turmoil because of what had happened. 

But all throughout the van ride there, during the checkup where Tyler was the only one to go back with Josh, and the ride back to the venue (because Josh insisted to Mark that they still play even when he said they could call it off), Tyler didn’t look at him. Not once. 

Josh jokingly thought that he could go back to the hospital and admit himself to stay, because he knew that he’d be dying of a broken heart soon. 

Once they pulled back into the venue parking lot, less than five minutes before showtime, Mark brushed his light-brown hair out of his eyes and gave Josh a cautious look. 

“There’s still time to call it off,” he reassured. 

“I’ll be alright. C’mon. The show must go on, or whatever,” Josh muttered as he exited the van, not leaving any time to look at Tyler, either. 

If this was how things were gonna be, might as well get used to it now. 

--

Josh didn’t know how to feel about the show. 

He was hitting his drums harder than he ever had, and that was saying something, since he’d been doing it a lot this tour. He needed an outlet, a way to release his pent up emotions he couldn’t deal with in any other way. The drums were that for him. And since tonight he was more anxious and worried than he ever had been in his life, his drums were taking a beating. 

Tyler didn’t seem to be doing much better. 

His voice was tired, his movements more sporadic than usual. When they played Forest, Josh’s monitor went out, and Tyler seemed out of sorts. When he began to rap, he walked right over to Josh and directed most of the words to him. With the rainbow lighting shining directly on him, and with Tyler hurling his pain and hurt at him, Josh thought it was almost ironic. 

He hit even harder until the show was over. Afterwards, he began to pack his things quickly, not saying a word to Tyler as they packed up. 

--

The air in the van was thick with tension as they all rode home. Michael and Mark had decided to brave the three hour drive back to Columbus, figuring that they could handle the tiredness they were feeling if they knew they’d be getting a good night’s sleep in their own bed by the end of it. Josh didn’t have any energy to disagree with their logic and thought that it wasn’t a bad idea. 

Tyler said nothing about it. He didn’t even say anything.

He was sitting right next to Josh, holding his own shaking hands, eyes downcast and shimmering from the glow of the orange lights on the highway. 

Josh wanted to say something, just anything to break the agonizing silence. The words died in his throat. 

The entire three hours were filled with nothing but increasing tension and the soft sound of the radio playing songs Josh was getting sick of hearing. His mind kept swimming with the worst possible scenarios. 

What if Tyler would never speak to him again? What if he would cut him off, just like that? What if he’d leave him, even if he promised he never would?

No, Tyler would never do that. It wasn’t like him. 

But something like this had never happened between them before. Josh had no idea what to expect. 

Sitting there in the van, watching nothing but the occasional car and the open road, he knew he couldn’t let this go without a fight. He had nothing to lose anyway. 

He tried to doze off a little but only grew increasingly more restless with every thought of Tyler. Tyler with his gray shirt, his soft hair, his kind eyes and safe arms. Tyler with his beautiful voice, his fiery passion, his determination to make a life for them together with this music. 

Tyler with his love for him that was so much different than the way Josh loved him.

He mourned over it all until Michael was finally pulling them into the rental house. 

Josh would’ve asked him to take him back to his apartment, but he had let the chance slip. He usually came back to the rental house more often than not after shows, so it must have just been a force of habit to not ask. 

There was a small part of him that didn’t want him to go back to the hollow loneliness of his apartment either, but he wouldn’t admit that to himself. 

The guys all agreed to unpack tomorrow as they made their way quietly inside. It was nearly 2 am, but Josh had stayed up way later, so it didn’t faze him. Most of those all-nighters were with Tyler, talking about their biggest dreams. 

Josh would miss it. He’d miss all of it.

He didn’t really notice the tears spiking his eyes until Michael and Mark whispered their goodnights, leaving Josh alone in the kitchen.

He didn’t notice that Tyler had snuck in either and was standing in the living room across from him. Nothing but a dim lamp and the moonlight spilling in from the window illuminated his face. Josh was reminded of that same moonlight bathing his face in the van. For some irrational reason, Josh felt like it was a different moon. 

Tyler stared at him, quiet and afraid, like if Josh came any closer, he would run away. 

Josh’s heart plummeted, and the tears from earlier stung more as he tried to restrain them. It was now or never. 

“I am so, so sorry,” Josh said defeatedly, slowly drawing out the words like he was waving a white flag. 

Tyler didn’t say anything, only looked up in shock as Josh suddenly started to speak faster, the words he had been holding back for almost a month now laid out in the open.

“I would tell you that I didn’t mean it, but I did. I didn’t mean for it to happen in that way, and I didn’t even think it ever would happen, but it did. It did, and I’m sorry. I should’ve never let this happen.”

“Josh…” he started to say, but Josh was swaying now, his arms frantic as he tried to convey everything that he couldn’t make sense of until now. 

“I lied to you. I told you that I loved you as a friend, but I don't.” Josh took a deep breath as Tyler looked frozen in place. “It’s more than that. Tyler, I’m…I’m in love with you. Jesus, how could I not be? You’re so talented and brilliant and loyal. You’re so fucking beautiful. I mean, you’re the best friend I could ever ask for. You’re my entire world. I always ask myself what I did to deserve someone as perfect as you.”

Tyler looked like he could cry, but Josh kept pushing forward, his heart feeling like it was going to give out any second. 

“And as soon as we sold out the Newport, as soon as you started to hold me…hell, as soon as I first met you, I knew that I loved you. Maybe I didn’t realize it then, but I did.”

Josh ran his hands through his hair and let out a shaky breath. “I know you may never wanna see me again-”

“Josh…” Tyler said again, this time more broken. 

“-and I understand that. It wasn’t fair for me to put you in that position.”

“Josh,” he said a little more adamantly. 

“But I just needed you to know. It was eating me alive and I was so miserable. So if this is goodbye-”

“Josh!” he practically yelled, this time more frantic. “Listen to me, alright?”

Josh suddenly couldn’t move his mouth. He nodded, his tongue immobile. 

Tyler was coming closer, and Josh’s vision was blurring fast, but there he was, only inches away from him now. 

“I love you,” he admitted honestly, his eyes sparkling. “But just as a friend.”

Josh felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. 

That was, until Tyler picked them all up and put them together again. 

He got closer, whispering into his ear so softly. 

“A boy friend,” he breathed, chuckling a little as he moved back to see Josh’s eyes widening. 

Tyler put one hand on Josh’s cheek and tangled the other in his hair as he closed the distance between them, kissing him gently, passionately, and carefully. Josh was shocked, but it took him only seconds to catch up, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s neck as he leaned in more, smiling and laughing into the kiss.

They held each other close, kissing for ages and for forever before finally pulling back. Josh still couldn’t stop beaming, feeling like all the weight he had been carrying was suddenly gone. He knew that it was. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you back,” Tyler whispered as he intertwined his fingers in Josh’s. “It just took me by surprise is all.”

Josh smiled harder, letting the memories hit him in a whole different light. “It was pretty out-of-character for me.”

“Yeah,” Tyler started to giggle. “Guess that’s what love does to somebody.”

“It can make you crazy,” Josh agreed, leaning in and relishing in the feeling of finally being able to kiss Tyler like this. 

“Crazy enough to get hit by a car?” Tyler laughed, but he brushed his fingers over Josh’s knuckles in a way to show him that he was worried for him.

“Yep, definitely that crazy,” Josh returned as he leaned into the feeling of Tyler’s hand still wandering his hair.

“I thought I was being obvious, though,” Tyler admitted as a sly grin occupied his face. “Cuddling, holding your hand, asking if you had kissed any guys…”

“Hey!” Josh started to defend, only to giggle along with Tyler. “In my defense, I thought I was reading into everything. I didn’t know you liked…that you liked me.”

“I made us play We Found Love! Did you want me to spell it out for you?” Tyler laughed louder. 

The whole thing was becoming so outrageous and glaringly obvious that Josh leaned in and laughed harder, resting his hands on Tyler’s hips gently. “Look- I just-”

“What?” Tyler challenged him playfully. 

Josh let out a fake-agitated groan as he rested his forehead against Tyler’s. “I’m an idiot,” he huffed. 

“Don’t worry love,” Tyler punctuated with another kiss. “So am I.”

They started to kiss again gently, pulling away every once in a while to laugh together again before they heard Mark’s voice from upstairs.

“Can you guys get a room already? Some of us are trying to sleep,” he grumbled. 

“Yeah, we all know how Mark needs his beauty rest,” Michael called. It sent Tyler and Josh into hysterics. “Oh, by the way, you owe me ten bucks, Mark.”

“Bullshit,” Mark called back. 

Tyler and Josh both raised an eyebrow, Josh thinking back to how Michael said he had a bet going with Mark on when they’d get together. Josh didn’t think he was serious. 

He turned back to Tyler, grinning at him and looking the most free he ever had. Still holding his hand, feeling the exhaustion of the last month catch up to him, he pulled him over to the couch. He knew they both would probably collapse before making it all the way upstairs. 

They both laid down next to each other, feeling the comfort of each other’s warmth. 

“Still wanna cuddle?” Tyler joked.

Josh hummed sweetly as he fell into his embrace and turned his head up to meet Tyler’s eyes. “Even if you’re not cold?”

Tyler moved his arms to keep Josh even closer. “I don’t mind.”

They both sighed as they came together, like they were made to fit each other for the rest of their lives. 

Josh knew with every part of himself that it was true. 

“Me neither.”