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Namjoon had faced a great many dilemmas in his life. He would even go as far as calling himself a real pro at shit solving. If shit hit the fan and everything was a thoughtful and logical conversation away from falling into chaos, he was your man.
Navigate the trials and tribulations of unimaginable fame and health, he likes to think he did it with grace and only a mild amount of panic.
Be held responsible for the success and wellbeing of a ragtag group of overambitious teenagers at the terribly volatile age of nineteen, hell he was RM, musical genius and respected leader of BTS, biggest group in the damn world!
He had even managed to finally accept his sexuality at the surprisingly late age of twenty-six years old, realising he had been in love with one of his best friends and band members for over a decade. Not only that, but he had substantially dated, proposed to and married the most beautiful man on earth and love of his life.
Namjoon had done a good job at living life. At the ripe old age of thirty-one, he liked to believe that the hard parts were behind him. He was successful, rich, respected and happier than he had even thought possible. Of course life had presented them all with more than their fair share of stumbles and soul-crushing fails, but when he weighed the wins against the losses, he couldn’t help but think he had done well. He had dreamed big, met the people who could help him reach those dreams and together they had soared.
Rap Monster. Ambitious. Smart. Angry. Unrelenting. Scared.
RM. Leader. Artist. Dancer? Success. Winner. BTS.
Kim Namjoon. Gay man. Friend. Husband. *******
If he had accepted himself as fully as he liked to believe he did, then why couldn’t he bring himself to write that last word?
At every stage of his life, he had to fight for his achievements. It had never been easy but the payoff had been worth it.
He had fought, bled, cried and fought some more. He had done the grind, now was the part where he reaped the rewards. The perfect life, the friends without whom none of it would have been possible, a love he had spent a lifetime dreaming of without once thinking he would actually find it.
It was perfect. It was everything he had ever wanted and yet… Why must there always be an “and yet”? For once in his life, Namjoon just wanted the easy options.
God, life would be so much easier if he hadn’t had the foolish idea to be unapologetically himself, to always live his best life and accept nothing but the best. Past him was such a pretentious jerk. Sure, this life philosophy had only brought him joy and fulfilment so far, but it was still annoying.
Now, just because he had decided to be authentic and happy, he had to admit his perfect life wasn’t quite as perfect as he desperately wanted it to be.
Maybe if the problem had been purely personal he could have buried the truth a little longer, truly let the thoughts and feelings simmer until an explosion was unavoidable. However, his marriage was at stake here, and more than anything else in this world, Namjoon loved and cherished Kim Seokjin. His hyung, his best friend, his husband, and the reason he refused to be anything but his very best self.
And that was why Namjoon now had one big problem to solve and no idea how he was going to do it.
How to stop having sex with his very attractive and loving husband?
Sex had been a serious issue in his life. When he was younger it had been a source of confusion and nerves. As he discovered himself and started sleeping with men it felt like a victory, a confirmation of all his doubts and insecurities. And then with Seokjin, it was just right, always fun, often pretty damn great. He got to be with the man he loved, got to show him with every single touch just how much he loved him. What more could a person possibly want?
Namjoon had wanted nothing more. Even now, the problem was never a question of more, but less. He had it all, but he didn’t want it all. Or at least, there was one thing he didn’t want.
Sex. The driving force of a civilization. He had written a thousand songs about it, had experienced it with men, women, strangers, friends, lovers, and his husband. He had enjoyed it greatly at times and yet deep down, if he was being truly honest with himself, he had never truly wanted it. And sure he probably would have been perfectly fine ignoring it for the rest of his life. They both lived busy and tiring lives, Seokjin enjoyed sex but after a long day’s work he was seemingly just as happy to curl up together on the couch than to head first to the bedroom and pound it out… God, maybe it was only an issue because he chose to think about it in such terms…
Anyway, focus. Sex. How was he going to tell his hot and loving husband that he didn’t want to sleep with him anymore? That he had never really wanted to sleep with him- god no, that sounded wrong. Everything they had done together over the years had been because they both wanted to do it. Namjoon just hadn’t realised he wanted it for different reasons. It wasn’t the pleasure he wanted, but rather the closeness; he wanted a connection and he wanted to feel love. He didn’t need sex for that, Seokjin had showed him that, every day and in every act, Namjoon felt all the love he had always yearned for. He knew without a doubt that Seokjin loved him and that that love had nothing to do with how often they had sex, even if it was never again, Seokjin wouldn’t leave him… god he really hoped Seokjin didn’t leave him.
He, Kim Namjoon, husband, world famous rapper and all previously stated superlatives, was asexual. Just one little word, a descriptor like any other but it changed everything, a lifetime of fears and doubts. He had finally said the word and nothing earth-shattering had happened. Now for the actual hard part, he just needs to explain all of this to Seokjin without sounding like a lunatic, upsetting Seokjin or getting dumped. Easy peasy.
The worst part about telling someone you love and trust completely something you have kept secret for so long is that it is actually that easy. You just tell them. As ridiculous as it may seem there is no other way than to spit out those terribly simple words. And if you are Kim Namjoon and just so happen to be a complete idiot, you do it right as your unsuspecting and clueless husband is busy filling his mouth with more rice and stew than any human mouth could possibly hold.
“And I know I could definitely take them in a fight, but I just can’t help but think they are plotting something evil…”
“I’m ace! And no, the squirrels aren’t after you, they just aren’t afraid of people anymore.”
The hardest conversation of his life and Namjoon had been rewarded for his bravery with a face full of spit and half-chewed food. It seemed oddly appropriate.
And so, after hours of apologies from both sides, a lot of questions and more than a couple tears and tight hugs, Kim Namjoon had officially came out as asexual to his husband, who still loved him and had promised profusely that he would never leave Namjoon for simply being himself.
How do you tell your husband you don’t want to sleep with him? You just do it, you tell him who you are, let them see a side of the person they fell in love with and because they love you and everything you are, they will love you still.
“Everytime you show a little more of who you truly are, you uncover a little more for me to love. Thank you for loving me and for letting me love you back, in whatever way that be, or not be.” Wrapped up in his husband’s arms, Namjoon truly had never been happier.
Friend. Husband. Gay. Asexual. There was no limit to what he could be and the heights he could reach. He truly had it all and most importantly, he was so, so in love.