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It was truly fascinating, wasn’t it? How that one thing you possibly couldn’t be afraid of became your biggest fear after falling deeply in love with him. How he can’t join you in the afterlife after you’ve blown your last breath. How he’ll possibly find someone else to love and caress once you’ve been long gone from his arms.
Will he remember you? Or will you just be a bittersweet memory among the countless other memories he has? Will he miss you? Long for your sweet presence as he sips his osmanthus tea during a sunny spring afternoon?
Will he love you the same as he once did? Or will he detest you for deserting him in this cruel world?
“Dearest?”
Is he in the state to grow old with you? Will you two even grow old together? Or will he still look as young as he does now while your skin has started becoming all wrinkly and—
“Dearest, look at me—", Zhongli fondly requested as your thoughts came to a halt right away after hearing his soothing voice, “Are you alright?”
“I—”, you hesitated and before you even could process what happened yourself, the tears already began to roll down from your cheeks.
How could one feel fine after such a heartbreaking realization?
“I’m… I’m scared… terrified even,” you admitted, “death itself terrifies me so much out of nowhere.”
Zhongli nodded in a rather understanding manner whilst he stood up to sit closely next to you. Those familiar leather gloves frailly wiped your tears away as his lips pressed against the stains on your cheeks.
Fear of death. Understanding. Ironic for an immortal like him. He could long for death as much as he’d like, and his heart would continue to beat like usual. Hell, he could even dance a waltz with death itself for a night straight and he’d be alive and well the next day.
“And why does it terrify you all of a sudden? Would you like to share your troubles with me, my lily?” the words rolled off his tongue meanwhile a protective arm found its way around your waist to pull you even closer than you already were. Such a small gesture already making you smile a bit.
“I wouldn’t mind,” you muttered dimly between your lips, taking a deep breath to bring a sense of calmness ahead of beginning, “It’s just… How do I say this… I’m scared to leave this world. I don’t want to leave you behind. I don’t want to become just a fraction of your lifelong memory.”
The amber-eyed man could only mumble a soft ‘oh’ upon hearing your honest words. This happened to be a subject that happened to linger in his mind fairly often, yet he avoided talking about this like he avoided the plague. Not because he didn’t want to, no, not at all. But because he’s aware how much it’ll hurt the both of you. Just the thought itself anguishes him more than the wounds and scars he had ever received.
He lost countless people and now one day, he’ll lose you. A life without your presence and love. Perhaps this was his punishment for all the lives he took.
“Will you continue to love me once I cannot wake up in your embrace anymore?” you whispered between your sobs, loudly enough for the words to enter his ears clearly.
“Of course I will, y/n. Do not have your doubts about that.” Zhongli replied while drawing you onto his lap, “how could I not?”
Exactly, how could he not? You were the only one who could make his heart and thoughts rave with nothing but a simple smile after all.
“Because you’ll forget me when you’ve moved on and found someone new. We all need love and when we can’t find it, we search for it. When the touches and caresses are absent we long for them, it’s what we naturally do.” You enunciated between your sobs and cries.
It’s human instinct to long for love and adoration. Does he understand?
“I cannot wrap my head around how the thought of me, forgetting you, can cross your mind,” Zhongli admitted, “You made me feel things I have never even felt in six thousand years, even if I tried to slur over you I wouldn’t be able to. Never.”
“Really?,” you questioned in disbelief whilst moving your gaze upward, your puffy eyes meeting his glossy amber ones as your heart felt like it was going to pop right out of your chest.
“Yes dearest, really. You’re simply too marvelous and important to me to disremember,” he paused before carrying on with his sentence, “What kind of man would I be if I forgot you?”. If he could recollect every sole person or event from the past then there’s no absolute way you’d forsake his mind.
Swiftly, he pulled his gloves off to wipe your tears away with his bare fingertips, the sensation of it feeling nothing but welcoming. Each time he touched you it felt like heaven was right under your feet, the way his skin caressed yours and the dreamy gaze he held in his eyes every time he did so was truly something out of this world. It was purely incomparable.
Whilst the chamomile tea in your porcelain cups gradually became cold, you asked your lover another question, “Will I get replaced?”
“I think ‘replaced’ isn’t the right way to put it. Maybe, after a few centuries, I’ll have the desire to experience love again, but no person is truly replaceable. I might find someone new but that doesn’t mean that my love for you will fade away. Even if I tried to find someone with the same adoration as yours I know it’d be journey without success,” he inhaled sharply, “Believe me, it stings my heart as well that we won’t be at each other’s side at some point in life.”
“So you thought about this as well?,” you queried.
“I did, many times in fact,” He conceded.
Yet he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it with you. How was he supposed to? A love story between a mortal and immortal could only end in tears and distress. One stays behind while hankering for the other one.
“But I tried to avoid it as much as I could. I didn’t want to trouble you with it, and it was solely too heartrending.”
“Honestly, I’m glad to hear we share the same troubles,” you announced between a faint smile, yet the tears wouldn’t stop streaming down your face. It was hard to stop them, it truly was. “I’m just so heartbroken that we won’t die together and that I’ll leave you alone here. Will you hate me for deserting you here?”
The man planted his lips against your temple right before answering, “Death itself is not something you can control, once the time comes you must go. I won’t hate you for such a thing, but I’ll absolutely be heartbroken the first few weeks. I’ll mourn and cry until I feel better.”
He already got used to losing countless people whether he wanted it or not, but this time the pain would be something entirely different.
“Will you miss me?”
“Immensely.”
“Will you put glaze lilies on my grave?”
“The freshest ones even.”
“Will you look at the pictures we took?”
“I’ll look at every single photograph while sipping my morning tea. Even the blurry ones that you set your heart on to print out.” He chuckled.
And just when you assumed that your eyes had finished letting out tears, they said welcome de novo. You couldn’t hold yourself in, not when such words found its way past his pretty lips. It stung like a needle, yet it felt so relieving at the same time. Knowing that someone would reminiscence about you even after you’re gone.
You buried your face in Zhongli’s chest meanwhile his ungloved fingers carefully travelled through your smooth locks. It took a while to calm your hysterical sobs and thoughts down but he waited for that with nothing but patience whilst uttering sweet nothings in your ear.
“I’m sorry for bringing this up all of a sudden,” you apologized while backing your tear-stained face from its previous spot, “I’m certain it must’ve broken your heart too.”
It tore both of your hearts apart that you wouldn’t be able reunite in the afterlife. If it even existed that is.
“It’s more than fine, dearest. I’m glad I could ease your concerns about this, but let us not concentrate too much on this matter. Don’t live your life worrying too much about death, there’s no joy in that,” Zhongli assured as he emplaced his soft palm on the side of your face, tenderly stroking your tear-damp cheeks, “but if you ever have such thoughts again please don’t hesitate to talk about it with me.”
You nodded whilst your running tears sluggishly came to an end, “the same thing applies to you as well, Zhongli.”
A fond smile was plastered on his face as he leaned in leisurely, lips brushing against your forehead so long as he whispered, “You may not be in my embrace one day but you are now. I treasure it. Every single moment. Believe me.”
You felt those familiar lips against your skin, the adoring act itself never failing to wash you over with a wave of ease. He’s right. One day you won’t be together with him but for now you were here, resting safely in your lover’s arms while receiving nothing but kisses and words of solace.